# Putting your pet down: the aftermath



## Garry Wilson (Jun 18, 2013)

Sorry to join the forum with such a miserable (and very long) story but I thought I might share my experiences with you. Hopefully someone will find it useful and maybe just writing down my thoughts and feelings will help me. Both my partner and I were astonished at the grief that we have felt. 

All the stories I have read about putting your animal to sleep seem to revolve around fairly clear cut cases (critical injury or terminal disease). Ours wasnt and it 
I had my beloved 13 year old tortoiseshell cat Ollie put to sleep on Sunday. She had been diagnosed with hyperthyroidism (an overactive thyroid) in January this year. She had been losing weight even though she was eating lots. This condition imposes strain on the heart and kidneys of a cat although it can usually be treated with felimazole. Ollie was given an initial dose of one 2.5mg pill per day which rose to 2x 2.5mg pills over time. Ollies weight had stabilised although she was till very thin. 
On Saturday (9/6/2013) Ollie started yowling early in the morning. I had been asleep and this woke me right up. She stopped after a very short period of time (only a couple of seconds) but this was enough to concern me - I recognised her meows. She was standing very still and was breathing quite fast and looked a little unsteady on her feet. After about a minute she seemed OK again. Over the course of a week she seemed relatively normal except a bit withdrawn (sleeping under our bed during the day rather than at night) and occasionally getting up suddenly from resting for no apparent reason. On Saturday 16/06/2013 she began yowling for a much longer period of time with wide staring eyes and then started panting with her mouth wide open. This went on for about 30 seconds after which she basically collapsed. We went to her straight away and took her to the vets. We were very worried that we would have to put her down and very upset that she was in so much distress. She was her usual unhappy self about the visit but was walking about fairly normally at the vets  although a bit wobbly. The vet took blood and said that it might be a reaction to the medication although there were a fair few other horrible alternatives including epilepsy. We were told to cease medication and she would check with the felimazole company about side effects on Monday. Ollie had no lumps that might indicate tumours and apart from having lost a tenth of her body weight (she now weighed 2.5 kg - about 5 & 1/2 pounds) a raised heart rate and a slight heart murmur then she seemed OK. We were very relieved and went home. Ollie seemed a bit perky, but she always did on leaving the vets! Later on that afternoon the vet rang me and said that there were very significant and serious abnormalities in Ollie's blood sample, specifically that there were very few red and white blood cells. This (I later found out online from looking at the results of the clinical trials) is a rare side effect of the drug. This would explain her panting and high heart rate. There were too few red blood cells to transport oxygen so she was panting and had an elevated heart rate to try and compensate. The vet said that we were to come in the next day and pick up antibiotics as Ollie would be very prone to picking up infections because her white blood cell count was so low. Terrible news but I was hopeful that ceasing the medication would make everything OK. Later that afternoon Ollie was in the kitchen (trying to hide away in a cupboard that she retreats to when threatened) when I heard her yowling again. I put her on the ground and the yowling continued for some minutes. She was obviously in great distress (panting, staring eyes and wobbliness) and it looked to me like she was in pain. The spell passed eventually. A few minutes later I heard her yowling again. She was on her way upstairs (which she normally gets up in a couple of seconds). She was panting again and almost fell downstairs. I picked her up and put her on the landing (she as obviously heading upstairs to hide under our bed). She flopped onto her side and just lay there panting and meowing with very wide eyes not focused on anything. She eventually recovered and eventually made it under the bed. All through the rest of the day she was effectively too weak to move from where she was (including holding up her head) although she was restlessly changing position and she was meowing almost constantly, was unresponsive and had difficulty moving. With our hearts almost breaking we took turns staying with her until 1.00am and got up at 3.00am and intermittently through the night to stay next to her. In the morning then her meowing had stopped but she was very tired and she was still staring at nothing but she was a little more responsive and she was sitting up. We gave her some food but she hardly ate any of it and gave her some water (she had been unable to go downstairs to her bowl). I got her out from under the bed to see how she was. She wanted to hide in a dark corner but couldn't get more than a couple of feet. We took her back to the vet. She was very subdued and hardly moved (normally she struggled like mad). The vet said that she had a fever and that her heart wasnt beating properly. The vet outlined three possible causes for the symptoms: a reaction to felimazole, cat leukemia, feline AIDs. We would have to get her started on antibiotics and given her weakness probably steroids too. The vet recommended another blood test to try and pin down the problem. We asked about what the best case scenario was. This would be that Ollie would return to having hyperthyroidism. In order to treat this then the thyroid would be destroyed with a series of probably four iodine injections which would be operations complicated enough to require specialist referrals. We had discussed the possible necessity to have her put down before we brought her. We were emotional wrecks and tired after the night wed had. We felt that she had suffered all night and we had done nothing. We asked the vet if Ollie should be put down to which she replied That would not be a wrong decision. I then very unfairly asked what she would do if Ollie was her cat to which she rightly said I cant answer that. So, we were in the position of having a 13 year old pet that we both loved and who had been suffering terribly for the last day or so but who might recover - at least to the position of having a chronic disease which could be treated by a series of operations and medication. We decided that it would be most humane in the long term to put her to sleep We were both openly weeping in front of the vet at this point, and we stayed whilst she had the overdose of anaesthetic. 

When we got home we spent the rest of the day intermittently openly weeping. We sobbed like children and neither of us had expected the level of grief we felt. We have both lost pets before and in one case I have had a cat who had feline enteritis and was in agony put down. We have also experienced a lot of human bereavement (my mother and an aunt remain in my family  everyone else is dead) and it may make me seem like a monster but I have never experienced the same loss as I feel at putting Ollie to sleep. I am also eaten away with guilt. Regardless of whether it was right or wrong the bald truth remains that we killed our cat. I feel like I betrayed her trust in me. I am normally a very decisive and unemotional person and I dont brood or second guess my decisions. I feel like we made the wrong decision  maybe not for the cat, but for us  which is horrible. If I had known how I would feel I would not have put her down regardless if it was the right thing to do. Everything in the house reminds me of her and sets me off crying. I feel like a part of my life is dead. I will never hold her or stroke her or hear her purr again. 

Please think carefully about yourself as well as your pet in cases where there is not an immediately clear case that euthanasia is best for your pet. It is a much more traumatic decision than you might expect and you will have to live with the decision for the rest of your life.


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## lymorelynn (Oct 4, 2008)

Just want to let you know that what you are experiencing is by no means uncommon 
It is a heartbreaking decision to have to make whatever the cause of the problem - even in the cases of chronic, untreatable illness or trauma it hurts no less.
I am a breeder of Siamese cats and this year had to have two very young kittens (8 & 9 weeks) pts because of a chronic problem. It broke my heart having nurtured these tiny babies from birth and trying my hardest to get them to thrive but at the end of the day I know I made the best decision for them even if it was the worst for myself. I still cry if I see photos of them - and I do regularly as my screensaver is set to show random pictures from my albums.
Crying is inevitable - you shared so many years with your beloved Ollie  I have to agree that the loss is so unlike that of losing a relative, perhaps because you were the ones to make the decision to let them go. But please do not doubt your decision - Ollie is free from suffering now.
RIP beloved girl and chase butterflies over the Rainbow Bridge until you are reunited with your caring slaves


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## Garry Wilson (Jun 18, 2013)

Thank you.


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## Charity (Apr 17, 2013)

I am so very sorry about what you have been through, its never easy to deal with or make the right decision. We lost our cat three months ago and I questioned whether the action we took was correct. firstly, can I say that things are very raw and emotional for you both at the moment, its only a few days and you are feeling just like most of us feel. I can't say don't beat yourself up about your decision because the very fact that we humans have to choose to end an animal's life is hard enough to bear, let alone how, why and when. From what you describe, Ollie was seriously ill and I don't think you betrayed her trust at all, I think you did a brave thing which was in her best interest. I think even your vet was telling you discreetly that it was the best thing to do. Had you chosen treatment which you say would have consisted of a series of operations and medication, it would have been a long arduous road to get your puss back to good health with no guarantees of success. Could you have honestly taken her home in the state she was in and watched her suffering even for another day? Had I been in your shoes, I would have made exactly the same decision. 
You have to remember what is most important is what was best for your cat, not what was best for you. None of us want them to leave us and to have this overwhelming grief but its the price we pay for loving them and relieving their suffering. 
Like you, I have experienced a lot of human tragedy and I can honestly say losing my pets is equal to that grief. Don't expect to get over it within a few days, people may expect you to but it takes as long as it takes. In that time, we all go through grief, anger, guilt, until there comes a time when it doesn't hurt quite so much. 
I think if Ollie could talk to you now, she would say "thank you for relieving my suffering". 
It helped me to put a memorial online and to make a memory box.
I hope you will both feel a little better soon and eventually come to know that you did do the best for Ollie.
https://secure.dearestpets.com/html/about.php
"You have left our lives but will never leave our hearts"


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## jill3 (Feb 18, 2009)

Gary I am so sorry for your loss.
Having a loved pet put to sleep is very difficult and heart breaking. We are not use to making these decisions.
Most people afterwards think did they do the right thing. There are always ifs and buts.
I had to 2 of my cats put to sleep within 24 hours of each other.
One collapsed with a heart problem and had to be put to sleep straight the way.
He was only 3 years old and we are both still heart broken.
My elderly girl who was nearly 18 years old was ill very similar to your Ollie.
We had tried for months to make her better but in the end she was hiding in cupboards and refused to eat anything. We could of carried on but I knew she was suffering. The vet was not our normal vet and so had to have the one standing in. she said " her heart is fine". Yes her heart was but everything else wasn't.
We made the decision to put her to sleep and within 2 seconds she had gone.
we were heart broken. We knew it was the right thing but God it hurts.
What you are going through is bereavement and crying is part of it.
You did not kill your cat. What you did was what any kind and caring pet owner would do.
There is a site called gonetosoon on the internet for pets and people. You can put a tribute and memorial on there for her and this might help you too.

R.I.P Ollie and have fun at Rainbow Bridge. One day you will be altogether again xx


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

I've been there myself and my heart aches for you now.

It is a hard thing to do, but at all times the comfort of the animal is paramount. To love your pet enough to let her go is to lover her hugely. It is particularly difficult when there is a chance (however remote) that something might be possible - but as another post has said, to put your pet (especially when she is elderly) through distressing treatment is not the right thing to do. You did the right thing. You let her go when her quality of life was still tolerable to her, but was unlikely to get better. Had you waited until she was in terrible distress, you would have been keeping her alive for yourself, not for herself.

Remember her as she was, the love you gave each other, and the companionship you shared. She will always be in your heart.


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## Garry Wilson (Jun 18, 2013)

Thank you all for your kind words. It has helped.


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## loganberry (Jul 14, 2012)

From your description of your cats symptoms I think you made the right decision in having your cat put to sleep.Your cat was never going to be fit and healthy due to on going chronic conditions and would despite medication never feel well. I'm afraid I have to disagree with your closing statement though, no matter how awful an owner feels, no matter how upset you may feel at losing a cherished pet, the only concern should be for the animal. An owner should love their pet enough to let them go.


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## lulubel (Apr 28, 2011)

You did the right thing. You put her first, and you let her go.

I can't post much because I only had my own beloved cat put to sleep a few days ago, and it's still very raw, but I want you to know that the feelings of grief and loss you are feeling are perfectly normal.

You didn't kill her. You relieved her suffering. She would thank you for that.


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## Colliebarmy (Sep 27, 2012)

oh how I wish we had been able to have our last dog PTS in a calm quiet loving way, she had a seizure at 4am on October 18th 2001 and it took over 30 minutes for her to finally ease out of this life with shaking, crying, whimpering in my arms while the wife tried to get the vet out, she died while the wife was still on the phone, i sat on the stairs with her on my lap till he came at 9am to collect her


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## Garry Wilson (Jun 18, 2013)

I probably didn't out it correctly. My worry is that I might have been too quick to avoid any more suffering on her part and that I had her put down when she might have made a recovery. It wasn't a clear cut case. It's difficult to disentangle the pet's suffering from our own. That's all I meant.


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## loganberry (Jul 14, 2012)

Garry Wilson said:


> I probably didn't out it correctly. My worry is that I might have been too quick to avoid any more suffering on her part and that I had her put down when she might have made a recovery. It wasn't a clear cut case. It's difficult to disentangle the pet's suffering from our own. That's all I meant.


There is a saying ...Better a week too early than a day too late. Animals are very stoic and hide signs of illness or pain. I should say your cat was suffering more than you knew. Plus they cannot tell you how poorly they really are. I still think you did the best thing for your cat in view of her age, the illness and any treatments that may or may not have worked. You have to think of the quality of life that the animal has. To merely exist is not enough.


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## rose (Apr 29, 2009)

What you are feeling is a normal part of grieving, we all can think back even on a natural death we torture ourselves with ifs and buts and should we have gone to the vet earlier, noticed signs. All completely normal. I took my Cassie (cavalier almost 8 with heart disease) to the vets one Saturday morning as she was very weak and struggling to breathe. The vet checked her heart and said she was dying and needed PTS. I couldn't believe what he was saying and said I couldn't do it. He left the room for a moment and in that moment she died in my arms with blood running from her mouth. I screamed and the vet ran back in and grabbed her from me apologising profusely. It was very distressing, but in hindsight I was glad I witnessed it as I know she hadn't suffered, but if I had found her at home like that I would never know that it had been quick.
I also had to make a heart breaking decision 2 years ago to have an 18 month old beautiful boy cat PTS with bowel and bladder damage from an RTA and I still wonder if I could have tried longer to save him. We all beat ourselves up because we just want them back. We can only do what we think is best, your cat was ill and miserable, not fair to keep having tests done on her. I think you made the right decision as painful as it was. She is pain free now, take comfort in that. Take care and RIP puss xx


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## Supasilvfoxy (Apr 6, 2013)

So true. It's such a hard decision to make, when or if it is the right time. The right time is when your pet is suffering and you can't bear to watch her/his pain anymore. you know you have it in your power to end that suffering. Take comfort from the fact she is not suffering anymore, she sleeps safely and soundly and without pain.

In the days to come you will see through your grief and realize that in putting her to sleep you ended her suffering, this is so the right thing to do. Give yourself time to grieve be kind to yourself, do not blame yourself ever for doing the right thing. 

Remember a special friend gives us special memories and special memories live forever.


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## janette shepherd (Mar 31, 2013)

I felt so guilty when i had to have my 13 yr old boy boxer Bob pts i had all the feelings of betaying him but the truth is we are doing the kindest most loving thing we could ever do for them.I love my handsome old man so much and miss him so much but not doing what was best for him would have been selfish and cruel.
You gave ollie the most precious gift of the reease from pain and ill health and u shold be proud that u loved him so much that u could let him go.
RIP Run free at the bridge.x


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Colliebarmy said:


> oh how I wish we had been able to have our last dog PTS in a calm quiet loving way, she had a seizure at 4am on October 18th 2001 and it took over 30 minutes for her to finally ease out of this life with shaking, crying, whimpering in my arms while the wife tried to get the vet out, she died while the wife was still on the phone, i sat on the stairs with her on my lap till he came at 9am to collect her


How awful - you must have felt so helpless to be unable to ease her suffering. These thing stay with you. But you did what you could to comfort her, and there was nothing more anyone could have done (except the vet could have shifted his/her lazy @rse - sometimes I get so angry ). At least she wasn't alone and terrified of what was happening. She knew that you were there for her.


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## Colliebarmy (Sep 27, 2012)

what would we give for a day, week, month longer with them but they look to us to do what we think best on their behalf after weighing everything up, I dont think your Ben would have any complaints for the ease you gave him

theres never a good day to lose your best mate


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## rachelledger (May 25, 2013)

my heart goes out to you right now it really does, 4 weeks ago myself and my husband had the awful decision to have our Little marley 13 year old peke put to sleep he could have been treated but he was very poorly with a very large heart murmer, water on his lungs and a few other things going on, the vet had said it was going to take a lot to stabilize him and he was suffering as he couldnt breath, i was a total wreck sobbing my husband came down to me, it was THE most awful day of my life, i was very close to leaving him till tea time to see how he went but in the end we decided to have him put to sleep as we thought it was the kindest thing to do, he was old deaf partially sighted and thought how awful it would be for him to be away from home as he would of had to be transferred to the pdsa at night to look after him, i will always have that nagging doubt `what if` and when the grief hits you so bad that you would do anything to have your pet back with you it makes it so much harder, i dont think i will truly ever get over it, everything about it was so traumatic but it is getting better with time, everything that you are feeling is totally normal and please remember that guilt is one of the most powerful emotions of grieving, you made the right decision for your beloved pet, no more suffering, please dont be hard on yourself and give yourself time to grieve , it is totally normal, i myself joined this forum when id lost my dog and found the support so comforting , i said to myself that i would try to help others on here too who were going through the same thing, i do hope my words have helped you? take care.


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## Garry Wilson (Jun 18, 2013)

Thank you all for your very kind words and for sharing with me your own stories of loss. They have helped me to put my own situation into perspective and I can't tell you how helpful it is to know that there are others who think that putting her to sleep was, on balance, the right decision and that here are so many people out there who don't subscribe to the "It's only a pet!" school of thought. I'll be without computer access for a while so I thought I'd take the opportunity to thank you all once again for your support.


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## Colliebarmy (Sep 27, 2012)

"It's only a pet!"................... :mad2:

i feel sorry for those who think like that

only humans let you down....not animals (except anything i back at Kempton/Ascot,etc)


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