# My puppy is making me completely depressed



## Clare Lo (Sep 10, 2019)

I’ve posted a couple of times now but I’m looking for more advice please.

We got our 5 month old female cavachon 2 months ago. She is my first ever dog and my families first ever pet. I’ve never been a dog lover and always categorically told my 12 year old ‘never ever’, too expensive, commitment, i hate loud noises so any barking at all is a no no. Then in the summer we looked after my sister’s dog who is the same breed for 5 nights and really enjoyed it and cried when she went home.

I still thought having a dog wasn’t for me and i would just have my sister’a Dog sometimes for her and register with borrow my dog. 

BUT I lost my beloved mum a year ago and my father in law not long after (both unexpected) and I’ve literally not stopped crying about it. So i spent a few weeks researching getting a dog and decided maybe a new focus and another life to love might help. Plus my oldest daughter has wanted a dog for years. 

We went to see our puppy the day after I’d had to sort my mums clothes having not been back in the family home for months and I had cried yet again all day. We decided to go for it. I was obviously very emotional but there you go.

Since we’ve had her we have had the usual puppy issues like toilet training, sleep issues, nipping, chewing. All of that I’m fine with but there’s something about knowing she is here for 15 years and I can’t come and go as I please that is making me literally feel sick. 

She has started barking a lot too at any noise and it gives me a knot in my stomach.

I love her but I just don’t want to own a dog! I know that sounds awful but I feel so trapped and hate the constant considerations I have to make. I’m on edge all the time and I’m snapping at my kids. Even resenting my eldest as she wanted a dog so much. It’s like I see her as the reason I have to stick at this! And I’m missing my mum like mad w xmas coming. 

It’s not that she does anything that wrong I just miss doing what I want without worrying a noise will bother her (next door been loading a van up and it’s bothered her) and she barks at doorbell now and post and always a thought on the next walk or loo break. I know I know. What the hell did I expect?. I thought being needed and depended upon would feel similar to the feeling of being a mum to a baby or toddler and I’d like it but I love my kids more than a dog! I had a loaf of poo in her bedding and crate yesterday morning and then runs on carpet (this has happened a few times) when trying get kids ready for school. If I could wave a wand and give everyone amnesia except me, love her as I do, I often think I would give her away to a loving family. I’d miss her a few days and feel really really guilty but as long as I wasn’t upsetting the kids or getting judged by my sister or mums at school (lots have dogs and love my puppy) I’d be relieved. What a mess. I don’t know what to do. Like I say if I feel like this when she isn’t even being any bother....It just feels like every day is something to ‘get through’ rather than enjoy. All the fuzzy feelings i thought she’d give me are there when she sleeps by me but when she is awake and needs loo/walks/entertaining/stopping from barking I just feel so trapped. I’m not even someone who pictures herself throwing a ball and revelling in her chasing it I’ll just be thinking ‘shit, will she come back?’. It’s my fault. I’m too much of a worrier and too startled by loud noise to relax into this. I’m too set in my ways. I thought she’d help me w mum but I just miss mum more in a different way...like ‘how the hell was a bloody dog going to fill that void and how stupid that I even try it’

And my inner non-dog-lover persona kicks in so often. I know I’m totally at fault. If I rehome her my daughter will be heartbroken and everyone will hate me. And yet tonight when she is on my lap I will love her so much. Poor thing. She isn’t doing anything wrong. She doesn’t deserve this. We start training classes on Saturday but even that won’t help as it’s the whole commitment and barking I hate. I feel so trapped. It’s awful. Sorry it’s an essay.


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## Cookie393 (Apr 9, 2019)

I’m so sorry to hear you are feeling like this. Unfortunately I’m not really sure what to suggest that you haven’t already thought of. Training classes may help, you may find it helps you to bond more with her. You may even be able to train her to not bark at the doorbell which may help you with the noise aspect.

However, I would say that your happiness and mental health is just as important as anyone else’s and if she is genuinely making you miserable I think you should seriously consider rehoming her. It’s easier to live without a dog when you love one than live with one when you don’t. If that makes sense. Your children will be upset for a while but they will understand especially as they get older. I also don’t think any other adult in your life would judge you.


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## lorilu (Sep 6, 2009)

Return her to the breeder. She was gotten for the wrong reasons, and there is no shame in admitting you made a mistake. You haven't allowed yourself to grieve your losses properly and now this on top of it all.


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## Gemmaa (Jul 19, 2009)

You're not really going to get any different advice than you've already had. 

I stand by what I said last time, you need to give her back to the breeder, it's not fair on the dog.


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## Clare Lo (Sep 10, 2019)

Thank you both so much. I really do love maddie and she is a great little pup but I’m getting absolutely terrible anxiety having her. My kids know how I feel and are accepting if we have to rehome. I will feel like I have let everyone down. Including then lovely pup. I can’t see the breeder taking her back. It was a farm/kennels and we have had her 7 weeks x


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## Clare Lo (Sep 10, 2019)

I'd just like to say I am completely solicitous to her. Walk miles each day absolutely cuddle her like a baby. Your tone isn't very helpful.

QUOTE="Gemmaa, post: 1065530237, member: 24680"]You're not really going to get any different advice than you've already had.

I stand by what I said last time, you need to give her back to the breeder, it's not fair on the dog.[/QUOTE]


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## lorilu (Sep 6, 2009)

Clare Lo said:


> I can't see the breeder taking her back. It was a farm/kennels and we have had her 7 weeks x


Then please take her to a rescue. You might see if either of the breed specific rescues that make up her mix will take her.

Nobody is accusing you of mistreatment. But a dog will know she isn't wanted. I think that is all that is meant


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## Gemmaa (Jul 19, 2009)

Clare Lo said:


> I'd just like to say I am completely solicitous to her. Walk miles each day absolutely cuddle her like a baby. Your tone isn't very helpful.
> 
> QUOTE="Gemmaa, post: 1065530237, member: 24680"]You're not really going to get any different advice than you've already had.
> 
> I stand by what I said last time, you need to give her back to the breeder, it's not fair on the dog.


[/QUOTE]

I'm sure you are...but nothing in any of your posts suggests that you want to own a dog and will do so happily for at least 10+ years.
I don't see what anyone could possibly say to make this better, other than you need to get the dog a new home, for her sake and yours.


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## Blitz (Feb 12, 2009)

Clare Lo said:


> I'd just like to say I am completely solicitous to her. Walk miles each day absolutely cuddle her like a baby. Your tone isn't very helpful.
> 
> QUOTE="Gemmaa, post: 1065530237, member: 24680"]You're not really going to get any different advice than you've already had.
> 
> I stand by what I said last time, you need to give her back to the breeder, it's not fair on the dog.


[/QUOTE]

I do not think @Gemmaa meant anything nasty by that comment. There is not much different advice you can have. I dont think I saw your last post but this one screams of someone who is very unhappy and the dog is not helping. It does not sound like you can give her back to the breeder but it does sound like she is a nice well balanced dog with no problems so it should be easy enough to find a home for her. Personally I would prefer to find a home myself in a situation like this but most people will recommend you go to a rescue. I think it is unfair to overload rescues with mistakes but it is up to you which you do. Whichever, make sure you vet the home and try and get some sort of reference, maybe from the vet if they have other animals. Owning a dog should be a pleasure for all the family and if you are sure it is always going to be a worry and a chore do the sensible thing before she gets any older.


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## MontyMaude (Feb 23, 2012)

Would your sister take her, seeing that she already has a dog, then your kids still get to see her, I'm sorry you are having such a tough time.


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## Clare Lo (Sep 10, 2019)

MontyMaude said:


> Would your sister take her, seeing that she already has a dog, then your kids still get to see her, I'm sorry you are having such a tough time.


Yes my sister might but her son is very very spoilt and bragging and already says ''my dog!' it they try to hold his dog. I know he'd make loads comments about having their dog now too and it would be too painful seeing her and not having her for their own.

I've set myself a deadline of end of November to make 'the decision' as we start training classes this Saturday so by then I will have had 3 sessions and more time to think. It's just I think perhaps dog ownership and me is like putting a square peg in a round hole. She really is very good. I'm just not good with change generally and although a year after losing mum didn't feel rushed, maybe it was. I just feel like I want my old life back. But please believe me. I DO love her x


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## Smolmaus (Oct 3, 2019)

Clare Lo said:


> Yes my sister might but her son is very very spoilt and bragging and already says ''my dog!' it they try to hold his dog. I know he'd make loads comments about having their dog now too and it would be too painful seeing her and not having her for their own.


Even if their cousin wasn't like this I think being able to see the dog sometimes but have it be someone else's dog would be heartbreaking.

Reading your posts there is no doubt you love her. And I am very glad to read that you've explained all this to your kids honestly as well. I think you're making the best of an unfortunate situation, many people would either give up immediately or try and push through for too long both of which could end up a disaster. I'm also sorry you've had to go through this and really wish you all the best.


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## Boxer123 (Jul 29, 2017)

You are grieving this will make you tired and less resilient it is hard looking after a puppy despite her being well behaved. There is no shame in rehoming. If the breeder is not going to take pup back Please use a rescue as a puppy (popular mixed breed) she will no doubt be rehomed. Doing it yourself can go wrong with pups being passed on quickly.

Are you the main puppy carer ? We have so many people who have puppy blues only you know if it will pass or if you need to say goodbye. Just to add my puppy is a year now a week before we got him our dog lily passed away aged 3 then my marriage broke down. During this time I sometimes wondered if I should have kept Loki I was exhausted and crying a lot. However I'm glad we stuck with it he is my best friend. 

This is the long way of saying it's your choice you are grieving if people you know judge you they are not worth your worry but again make sure you rehome responsibility.


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## Clare Lo (Sep 10, 2019)

Thanks everyone. As I say I’m going to reassess at the end of November. If we do rehome I would move heaven and earth to make sure it was a wonderful home. I wouldn’t do this lightly. I really really love her. I’m just not coping with all the demands. The only reason I’m setting any sort of deadline is because I don’t want my Kids getting more and more attached x


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## Blitz (Feb 12, 2009)

It sounds like you are being very sensible. Just a thought, you say your daughter is 12 and she is the one that really wants the dog. She will probably have left home in 5 or 6 years time and you could end up with a dog you still do not want for a further 10 years. Just something else to throw into the mix.


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## Clare Lo (Sep 10, 2019)

Blitz said:


> It sounds like you are being very sensible. Just a thought, you say your daughter is 12 and she is the one that really wants the dog. She will probably have left home in 5 or 6 years time and you could end up with a dog you still do not want for a further 10 years. Just something else to throw into the mix.


That's already very much in my mind! I want to do more trips w my husband and it all feels impossible now...x


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## Lurcherlad (Jan 5, 2013)

Clare Lo said:


> Yes my sister might but her son is very very spoilt and bragging and already says ''my dog!' it they try to hold his dog. I know he'd make loads comments about having their dog now too and it would be too painful seeing her and not having her for their own.


But the dog's day to day happiness is paramount imo.

I'd rather a did stay in the family if it has to go anywhere.

Maybe you can arrange with your sister for you and your kids to take "your" dog out for walks without them on occasion so they have her to themselves?


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## Clare Lo (Sep 10, 2019)

It wouldn’t work as my sister will make me feel terrible forever about her having to bail me out. Whatever happens the pup will be happy. Hopefully still with us x


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## Dogloverlou (Dec 8, 2013)

I'm sorry you're still feeling depressed about the situation, it's still early days, and as a puppy matures and moulds into your life & routine you forget you ever felt this way about their puppy days! So there is that to consider. Regarding the barking and feeling trapped/annoyed etc, again, a lot of that calms down with maturity and/or training. The thing you have to ask yourself now is can you envisage her in your family as a trained, mature adult, right into her senior years? And can you see yourself enjoying her company as a mature & well rounded adult? Would your mood and perception of owning her shift? If the answer is no to all those questions then you really have no choice but to consider rehoming her. Will it be hard on your kids? For sure! But better that then you possibly resenting the puppy and/or it causing huge family divides. When I was around 9 years old, my parents brought home a Cocker Spaniel puppy. My mum much like you was NOT a dog person. She had relented due to the constant nagging from both my sister & I to wanting a dog. She'd grown up with them in her own family home, but didn't want the responsibility and tie that owning a dog brings. She was a stay at home mum, so whilst we was at school, my dad at work, my mum was lumbered with the responsibility, all the house training, the constant supervision etc. She hated it and things were made worse because once my dad returned from work he was to 'tired' to walk the puppy & she'd then go days without proper walks & as she wasn't being exercised or mentally stimulated she'd find holes in our fence and keep escaping into our neighbours garden. My sister & I loved her and were over the moon, but in the end my parents decided to rehome & it broke our hearts. I even missed days off school because I was hysterical! But as is the case with children, the hysterics and trauma is short lived. Your children will come around after a couple of weeks or so. You just need to decide how drastic this feeling of not wanting her is versus can you see yourself feeling differently in the future.


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## Clare Lo (Sep 10, 2019)

Thank you. That’s brilliant advice. I can see me relaxing and enjoying her more when the demands are less but as I say I’m scared because some of it is generic in terms of holidays and the feeling of being tied etc. Of course I knew that going into this but I thought my extended family could have her if we go away but I’ve realised I couldn’t expect that if I didn’t reciprocate and I don’t think I could cope w two dogs! Soul searching for me. 

I carried her a mile in heavy rain today after our long walk went by heavy traffic and she was scared. I felt nothing but love and wanting to protect her. But I don’t feel equipped for the whole job of this...

I’m a stay at home mum and my husband works away or late hours a lot so I thought the company would be good but I find I’m doing the majority of the work. And I miss my mum so badly and feel this isn’t the answer as I’m so down. My 12 nearly 13 year old is brilliant helping but she has school and her own social life and I know they will take up more of her time as the years go on. All things I considered but no way that I’m ‘in it’ and it’s real - all these future issues are panicking me x


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## Guest (Nov 13, 2019)

@Clare Lo I'm sorry you're having a rough time, and I think you're very brave just to consider rehoming her - it's easy to ostrich over things! It shows you genuinely care about your dog. It isn't easy, especially when you've got kids (guilt!)

I can't really offer any advice different to what has been mentioned above, wouldn't really know where to begin without sounding insincere or patronising.

Just to echo what others' have said - you have to look after yourself, and taking care of YOU is not selfish.

From my very limited experience of dogs, they_ do_ get easier as they get older. Not as needy, not as time-consuming, and turn from almost a 'kid' role into a companion. Getting there is hard though!

If you wanted to go on holiday, couldn't your sister look after your dog for a week or two? And there are kennels/dog sitters. You don't have to be held hostage by your dog!

Whatever you decide to do, I'm sure you'll make the right decision.


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## Clare Lo (Sep 10, 2019)

Thank you for such an understanding reply. I've had a terrible year with bereavements and family members w cancer and now my best friend hasn't it too. I want to help look after her but she isn't local so I'll need help w the dog and can't afford it. Issues w my, husbands job. Then now I feel I've possibly made a mistake. But tonight I've walked her loads and I'm cuddling her now and I do love her so much. My sister would have her in summer but I'd then have to have her dog too and I couldn't face two of them. My house isn't big enough and they fight abs bite each other. Maybe that would improve but that's how they are at moment Xx



AsahiGo said:


> @Clare Lo I'm sorry you're having a rough time, and I think you're very brave just to consider rehoming her - it's easy to ostrich over things! It shows you genuinely care about your dog. It isn't easy, especially when you've got kids (guilt!)
> 
> I can't really offer any advice different to what has been mentioned above, wouldn't really know where to begin without sounding insincere or patronising.
> 
> ...


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## SusieRainbow (Jan 21, 2013)

Clare Lo said:


> Thank you. That's brilliant advice. I can see me relaxing and enjoying her more when the demands are less but as I say I'm scared because some of it is generic in terms of holidays and the feeling of being tied etc. Of course I knew that going into this but I thought my extended family could have her if we go away but I've realised I couldn't expect that if I didn't reciprocate and I don't think I could cope w two dogs! Soul searching for me.
> 
> I carried her a mile in heavy rain today after our long walk went by heavy traffic and she was scared. I felt nothing but love and wanting to protect her. But I don't feel equipped for the whole job of this...
> 
> I'm a stay at home mum and my husband works away or late hours a lot so I thought the company would be good but I find I'm doing the majority of the work. And I miss my mum so badly and feel this isn't the answer as I'm so down. My 12 nearly 13 year old is brilliant helping but she has school and her own social life and I know they will take up more of her time as the years go on. All things I considered but no way that I'm 'in it' and it's real - all these future issues are panicking me x


I use kennels for my dogs when OH and I go away which we try to do once a year, as like you we have no family willing or able to look after them. They are fine. 
Also, like you, I am at home all day and OH works long hours including some overnight stays. 
It was a shock to me just how much of a tie the dogs are, my first one ,now dead, had quite severe seperation anxiety but the two I have now seem OK to be left for a few hours. It's now me that suffers the seperation anxiety !
I think your idea of setting a time limit is a good one. If, at the end of it, you still feel it's not working for you, be honest and stick to your guns. Your daughter will be upset, sure, but from what you say she understands your feelings and will get over it. You are the one doing all the hard work after all.
I hope that whatever happens you're OKwith it. 
Please keep us updated.


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## Clare Lo (Sep 10, 2019)

Thanks all. My daughter is incredible and says my happiness is most important. I actually feel much more positive tonight. Promise to keep being positive and update. She’s a beautuful pup. She really is x


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## Jobeth (May 23, 2010)

That’s lovely and you must be very proud of her. It does get easier as they get older. My sister had a perfectly trained dog (retired guide dog) but would never have another one due to the level of commitment. I can’t imagine my life without mine. Neither of us are ‘right’ and there is nothing wrong with not feeling the same way about it.


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## Sairy (Nov 22, 2016)

Hi @Clare Lo sorry to hear of your angst regarding your puppy. You have had good advice so far, but I wanted to ask if you have sought counselling at all? The reason I ask is that you have been through a lot lately and sound like you could be suffering from anxiety and depression. This will make things like a new puppy difficult to cope with as anxiety can be completely overwhelming and crippling at times. A few things you have said remind me of times I have been suffering and having counselling has really helped.

Dog ownership is a big responsibility and yes they are a tie. If you really don't think you want this in your life then rehoming is the best option, but I will say that remember things happen one moment at a time and not all at once. Puppies are a huge amount of work, but they mature and if you have put in the work then usually they are a lot less hassle as adults and you come to a time when you can't remember life without them. Things like going away on holiday may seem really difficult at first, but as time goes on making arrangements for pets just becomes second nature (just like having children) and doesn't seem such a big deal.

I hope you find a good resolution for everyone and think you have been very wise in setting yourself a deadline. Remember to never make any big decisions whilst you are feeling anxious though as these hasty decisions are more likely to be regretted at a later date.


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## Bugsys grandma (Aug 3, 2018)

I'm so sorry you are having such a tough time. 
I'm with @Sairy on this one.
My first thoughts when reading your posts were, that you sound to me like you are very definitely still in the early stages of grief, and are maybe suffering with depression. 
I think you need to seek some counselling. I'm not sure that the way you are feeling is totally because of the dog. 
Yes pups can be hard work,and frustrating and I think from time to time they can move even the most capable, experienced dog lover to tears! 
I also think that you probably got her at the wrong time too. 
There is of course the option to rehome her, and if that is genuinely the best thing for your well being and that of the dog,mthen you should never feel bad about doing that. 
But please consider getting some help for yourself as soon as possible, because you could end up re homing her and actually still feel exactly the same as you are now. 
It's abundantly clear to me that you do love and care for this little dog. 
I really wish you all the very best.


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## Sarah1983 (Nov 2, 2011)

Sorry you're having such a rough time. Sounds like pup was bought for all the wrong reasons really. You're still grieving, she hasn't been the fix it seems like you expected and she's causing you more anxiety. That said, I would seriously look at getting yourself some professional help for how you're feeling because there's a good chance that you could rehome this pup and still end up feeling exactly the same way, that it's not actually the puppy who's the issue, that the underlying issues are there and the pup is just an easy thing to put the blame on. Not saying you're doing that intentionally, we can often do things like this without even realising. 

Puppies are hard work and lots of people get the puppy blues so you're not alone in struggling with a puppy. They're hard work and many people have regrets in the early days. Whatever route you go down hope things work out.


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## Blitz (Feb 12, 2009)

I know kennels are quite expensive but they are there so that you can go away. I ran a small boarding kennels and some of my regulars came in several times a year. So much so that they became house dogs instead of kennel dogs! Their owners went away for long weekends frequently through the year and for longer holidays as well and though some of them could have got family members to look after them they felt more secure having their dog being looked after professionally. I even got the odd dog in when the owners had visitors so they did not have to worry about the dogs. It did not mean they loved their dogs any less and the dogs were certainly very happy with me though the real regulars really were not treated like boarders and were one of the family but the ones that were in kennels were perfectly happy too. You could even board her for respite or if you have a heavy social weekend but as she slots into your family you might find she is not a tie at all, any more than your children are.


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## Clare Lo (Sep 10, 2019)

Thanks everyone. So touched by the warm, wise and compassionate replies. I had grief counselling a few months ago and did feel a bit better. Then I had to sort my mums clothes and I filled badly and that’s when we got the puppy. Also Xmas is coming and my birthday and no mum here.


I’m probably suffering with anxiety and depression. I know it’s stupid but I don’t want to see my doctor and go down the antidepressant route. I exercise daily at gym and walk miles with the dog and have an amazing support network of friends and family including 6 siblings. I’m mid 40s so think hormones are playing a part.


I’ve also had a husband’s family member marriage breakdown I’ve had to support her through and dealing with an elderly uncle also on my husband’s side I’ve been dealing with social workers on. It’s been the most insanely stressful year in my life. 


It’s just over a year since I lost mum so although I knew I was still deep in grief I thought I wasn’t being too impetuous w the puppy. I’m naturally a worrier so even when it’s going well I’m already thinking ‘what if she starts barking more/what if she stops sleeping well?’ And altho I truly truly love her as I’ve never had an affinity w dogs or wanted one til lately and my best friends don’t like them (one is allergic!) I keep doubting myself. I suppose I’m too scared to keep going in case it’s wrong. But as a few of you have said (as has my lovely husband) the underlying sorrow will still be there only then I may also be upset at having rehomed the dog!


It’s tricky x


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## Clare Lo (Sep 10, 2019)

I have a lovely lady recommended who she can board with and also a gorgeous young couple one minute away who will have her a few hours (maybe even overnight). She is the daughter of a teacher at school who is dog mad but can’t have one full time over work. So I do have help but the expense does worry me. And the fact I have to think about it all feels oppressive. Even tho the girl rounds corner doesn’t want paying I would buy her vouchers or gifts to same value anyway x


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## Sairy (Nov 22, 2016)

Clare Lo said:


> Thanks everyone. So touched by the warm, wise and compassionate replies. I had grief counselling a few months ago and did feel a bit better. Then I had to sort my mums clothes and I filled badly and that's when we got the puppy. Also Xmas is coming and my birthday and no mum here.
> 
> I'm probably suffering with anxiety and depression. I know it's stupid but I don't want to see my doctor and go down the antidepressant route. I exercise daily at gym and walk miles with the dog and have an amazing support network of friends and family including 6 siblings. I'm mid 40s so think hormones are playing a part.
> 
> ...


If I were you I would see if I could get some more counselling. The first Christmas without a loved one can be very hard and it might benefit you to have some extra sessions.

To make a big decision you really need to be able to see things in the cold light of day, which is very difficult when you are depressed and anxious as thoughts become distorted. I suffer with anxiety and OCD and could write a book on how it's affected my life, but I have begun to recognise the difference between my anxious thoughts and the more logical ones. I almost broke up with my partner many times due to anxiety telling me to, but luckily I recognised the difference and 10 years on we are still very happy.


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## Smolmaus (Oct 3, 2019)

Clare Lo said:


> I have a lovely lady recommended who she can board with and also a gorgeous young couple one minute away who will have her a few hours (maybe even overnight). She is the daughter of a teacher at school who is dog mad but can't have one full time over work. So I do have help but the expense does worry me. And the fact I have to think about it all feels oppressive. Even tho the girl rounds corner doesn't want paying I would buy her vouchers or gifts to same value anyway x


I have this arrangement with a friend, I love having my small dog friend to stay sometimes and it works out really well for us. She has a toddler and a baby and it is my honest pleasure to help take the pressure off. Don't at all hesitate to take help where it's offered  This weekend my payment is home-made chilli jam, I won't accept cash either!

I wouldn't rule out going to your GP about your mental health even though I know it's an uncomfortable thing to have to do. I used exercise as a crutch for my anxiety myself but it eventually slipped out from under me. It's a patch up job of a coping mechanism really.


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## Clare Lo (Sep 10, 2019)

Yes makes a lot of sense. My thoughts keep looping. Over thinking is a fault of mine! X


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