# I can't forgive myself for my cats death



## Zuzas boy (Jan 30, 2021)

This all happened on the 18th January, me and my girlfriend were spending hours playing with both of our cats until they were eventually exhausted and went to sleep. Not long after my girlfriend went to sleep and I stayed up the whole night trying to finish some work. At some point, around 4.30 a.m., our cat Zuza woke up asking me for kisses and hugs. I gave her a quick scratch on her head and returned to work. She jumped from the bed on the floor, looked at me with her charming eyes and asked me for a place on my lap. I told her I don't have time now, we'll cuddle when I finish. She waited for two minutes, before asking her self out through the window as she always does. She does her soft meow whenever she wanted something and pointed at it with her head and that's only one of her amazing traits, she was so smart and full of character. She always comes back within an hour, always, but she didn't return this time...

Long story short, after doing everything we possible could, we found her two days later hidden under our neighbours bush where we first went to ask if somebody saw her, yeah, two days after searching everywhere she was only 20 feet away from our house, hidden under a bush, probably all this time. She looked like she was placed there carefully, laying on her stomach, her back legs under it, her front side put side ways, front arms stretched and dirty paws. She had wide open eyes and an open mouth, which was a bit bloody. She had no other visible wounds. We suspect it was an car accident. 

I just feel awful that I was so buried in my work I didn't even take a few minutes to play with her and just continued with my stuff while our last moments where fading away. I feel so awful leting her out so late in the middle of the night. I feel awful for everything I've done that moment. I keep trying to change things in my mind, but then reality hits me. I won't never see her again, never hear her again, never cuddle her again and that's just my fault.

I can't get the picture of her out of my head, I keep wondering if she survived and suffered, waiting for me to find her. Would it be possible for her to jump a high fence and hide herself under a bush after an hit or did someone place her there? I keep imagining I've heard something that night. It's killing me that I'll never know what actually happened and that I wasn't there in her last moments. What if I could've saved her? I keep re living that day, imagining what life would be like now if I've just let her on my lap in that moment or let her outside a few seconds later. She was always super healthy, only wanted and ate high quality food, never had any issues and was being careful outside, mostly sticking to our turf but sometimes crossing the road near our house to go to the nearby park. She was 6 years old and spayed early on. I've known her since the beginning, she was born not long after me and my girlfriend started dating, she was a part of the relationship, and our family.


I know I can't change what happened now, but I've been looking everywhere what are the chances of a cat surviving an car accident and just wondering If I could've done something If I just found her quicker. We've also been to the vet today with the other cat for a check up, we also asked her about her opinion but she says she can't give a definitive answer about the accident. It's been 9 days now and I still feel like I've just found her, it's been weird, I feel empty and still in shock. It's all just so unreal. Sometimes I think it's getting better, but then I just break down, stop functioning for a few hours and just cry my eyes out.

On the 1st January my grandfather died so it was already an awful beginning of the year, I had my birthday on the 8th January, that's when I also found out I have to get a surgery, nothing serious and then on 18th January, this happened. Im feeling the full wrath of Murphy's law and I just don't know where to start or how to cope with this. Each day is getting only worse and not better. I've barely ate, can't sleep properly, I don't know what to do.


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## cava14 una (Oct 21, 2008)

So sorry for the loss of your beautiful girl. Sometimes bad things happen and there's just nothing you can do to change it(((hugs)))
It's natural to grieve but try not to blame yourself. In time you will remember Zuza with a smile.


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## Zuzas boy (Jan 30, 2021)

cava14 una said:


> So sorry for the loss of your beautiful girl. Sometimes bad things happen and there's just nothing you can do to change it(((hugs)))
> It's natural to grieve but try not to blame yourself. In time you will remember Zuza with a smile.


She could still be with us if I would've only been a more responsible pet owner in that moment, I don't know how to really forgive myself. Im trying but it's hard.


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## jasmine2 (Apr 30, 2019)

First of all so sorry for your loss What exactly did you hear that night? Could you please explain. I find it suspicious that she was found like this. Maybe you should have had an autopsy done.


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## Zuzas boy (Jan 30, 2021)

jasmine2 said:


> First of all so sorry for your loss What exactly did you hear that night? Could you please explain. I find it suspicious that she was found like this. Maybe you should have had an autopsy done.


I've heard an man and woman arguing outside. We were also suspicious of what could have happend, but figured out it was probably a car accident. My guess it she survived the hit and with the energy she had left, she jumped the neighbours fence and got under a bush to hide her self from possible danger. Now, I keep telling myself if the injuries wouldn't have been fatal she would managed to come to our house or was she just in shock? We wanted an auotpsy done but after discussing it for a few minutes we figured we just give her peace and buried her althought now the unknowing is killing me.

My girlfriend went to work 2 hours later after I've let Zuza out and coulnd't hear anything outside.

Im keep having these nightmares and unsettling PTSD symptoms, I can't get these thoughts of my head and Im filled with regret and there's no end in sight.

Words cannot describe the bond and love we shared for eachother.


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## MizuMummy (Jan 18, 2021)

@Zuzas boy you sound like such a loving cat daddy. It wasn't a mistake, but very bad luck. You gave her the freedom of being outside and unfortunately that is a risk we take, but the cats do benefit from it. There is nothing you could have done. Please try not to blame yourself when it is clearly not your fault. Just a very tragic accident. Hugs.


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## Zuzas boy (Jan 30, 2021)

> @Zuzas boy you sound like such a loving cat daddy. It wasn't a mistake, but very bad luck. You gave her the freedom of being outside and unfortunately that is a risk we take, but the cats do benefit from it. There is nothing you could have done. Please try not to blame yourself when it is clearly not your fault. Just a very tragic accident. Hugs.


I've grown up with cats and always saw them as a little person of their own, as weird as this sounds. I've always found a true friend in them. I still have my 18 years old Snowflake, he's a huge part of my childhood and means everything to me, still going strong. He lives with my mother and was always an indoor cat.

I just feel like I failed her that night, I can't imagine a future without her.


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## jasmine2 (Apr 30, 2019)

I understand how you are feeling. My cat died in 2017 and I feel guilty too. I won’t go into the details but the thing is that in future please consider having a Catio or make your garden fences cat proof fences so your pets can’t jump out. There are all sorts of dangers outside and some nasty people around so please take care. My cats death has changed me and I can’t forget the circumstances in which she died. I also feel that I failed her. I get flashbacks and it’s scarred me for life. She was more loyal to me than humans. When everyone had left me alone in my hour of need and my mother was in the hospital she was by my side. She showed me how loving, loyal and trusting animals are. My nearest people have deceived me and I’m more close to my cats than to humans as I can’t trust them now. I will always love my cat and for me she was not just a cat but a little human. She was my loyal friend and I will love her till the day I die. I still think your cats death was suspicious but I won’t go into the details as this will be stressful for you. Do you live in the uk? Please join Facebook cats lost found pages and you will see what is happening nowadays.


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## Nicola234 (Nov 10, 2020)

So sorry for your loss x


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## Guest (Feb 7, 2021)

So sorry for the loss of your beautiful cat. I just don’t know what you could have done to save her as there will have been plenty of other times that you were a little busy to tend to her but found her and cuddled her later. How were you to know this time it would be different? All I can say is I know the wretchedness you’re feeling. You’re right. These cats are people in miniature. I feel maybe I felt my cat’s loss more than my father’s...


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## Zuzas boy (Jan 30, 2021)

Douglas' Dad said:


> So sorry for the loss of your beautiful cat. I just don't know what you could have done to save her as there will have been plenty of other times that you were a little busy to tend to her but found her and cuddled her later. How were you to know this time it would be different? All I can say is I know the wretchedness you're feeling. You're right. These cats are people in miniature. I feel maybe I felt my cat's loss more than my father's...


It was still really stupid on my part to let her go out so late. I've always, literally always let her on my lap every time she asked me even if I wasn't feeling like it or had things to do, I should've just let let her hop on.


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## Zuzas boy (Jan 30, 2021)

jasmine2 said:


> I understand how you are feeling. My cat died in 2017 and I feel guilty too. I won't go into the details but the thing is that in future please consider having a Catio or make your garden fences cat proof fences so your pets can't jump out. There are all sorts of dangers outside and some nasty people around so please take care. My cats death has changed me and I can't forget the circumstances in which she died. I also feel that I failed her. I get flashbacks and it's scarred me for life. She was more loyal to me than humans. When everyone had left me alone in my hour of need and my mother was in the hospital she was by my side. She showed me how loving, loyal and trusting animals are. My nearest people have deceived me and I'm more close to my cats than to humans as I can't trust them now. I will always love my cat and for me she was not just a cat but a little human. She was my loyal friend and I will love her till the day I die. I still think your cats death was suspicious but I won't go into the details as this will be stressful for you. Do you live in the uk? Please join Facebook cats lost found pages and you will see what is happening nowadays.


Was totally the same with my Zuza. Im not from UK.


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## Guest (Feb 7, 2021)

OK I get it now... I can understand why you are feeling so sore.


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## jasmine2 (Apr 30, 2019)

She will always be alive in your memory and one day you will meet again with her


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## Guest (Feb 11, 2021)

Im so so so sorry for your loss, please don’t blame yourself, you were not the person who hit her. You shouldn’t blame yourself. Understand that it’s fine, you can’t always have time for your pets. It is obvious that your cat was not a pet to you she was a friend, you obviously cared for her as best as you could and did everything for her. Don’t blame yourself just try and accept you can’t change it and the best you can do is make sure she is in your heart forever.


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