# How do I "let go"? My beloved cat died.



## Dianag (Nov 11, 2020)

I am totally broken…I am in pieces. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't work, I will probably get fired if things don't change soon.. I am just broken.

She was a rescue, found her in an old abandoned farm three years ago. A little wild, with attitude but scared, beautiful creature.

Got her with me in the car straight to the Vet. She was pregnant.

Took her home. A month later she got her babies in a box we set up for her on our sofa. Witnessing everything, the birth of two beautiful kittens.

We kept them. She was the best mom in the world. learned so much from her.

This cat was so special. She was really special! I somehow got that connection with her, it happens only once in a lifetime I think. You love them all, but this was special and is very rare.

I had cats before, dogs, horses....but this one was something really special.

I was singing to her, she was walking with me, she was different, there was something there...

She got sick three days ago. Was Sunday, no Vets where I live.

It wasn't very bad, she looked ok, just not great of appetite but nothing major.

I thought we go to the Vet first thing Monday morning.

Then Sunday evening she went out about 8.00pm, looked at me for a while and just went outside and sat outside the door flap still looking at me. It was strange, and I kind of felt something but wasn't sure what it is...

She normally comes back in an hour, since I got her she never missed a night, but this time she didn't come back.

I started panicking, went looking for her at around 10pm. We live in the middle of a huge park with some wild animals and a more secure big beautiful garden.

I spent the night looking for her, I spent Monday all day looking for her. I spent all day Tuesday looking for her.

I was shouting her name, crying. Never found her!

Did she just leave me to die on her own?

I know she loved me and she would never run away, she would never do that.

Her two kittens (a girl and a boy) still with me. Love them to death…..but she not being around is killing me. It is way too strong.

I haven't eaten since the evening she disappeared. No sleep whatsoever, no work, not able to focus…..I am just so sad, it takes me by storm! Never felt like this before.

I lost both my parents, lost some close to me people, but this cat, I have never felt anything like this before.

I just don't know what to do. I am afraid to look at her pictures but will post one here in her memory.

The hour of "sleep" I got last night, was me dreaming she is coming back, woke up and cried and cried and cried.
I just want to see her again, just one more time, just 5 min and she can go if she wants to.
I know she is gone, I can feel it.

I am totally lost.

How do I let go, I cannot continue to feel like this. I love her so much!

RIP My Beloved Jessie


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## Guest (Nov 11, 2020)

She is absolutely beautiful and oh God, I know what you’re feeling. I’m so sorry to hear about this. I’m hoping against hope that she comes back. I’m sending out lots of vibes and prayers that you can see her again because this torture is of a different category. I know it well xx


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## Dianag (Nov 11, 2020)

Thank you so much for the kind words! It means a lot!

I think I now moved into the bargaining stage, or whatever name people give to this feeling.

I should have put her in the car and drive 60 miles to the nearest big city with emergency Vets available on Sunday. Why I decided to wait till Monday for our local Vet.

I should have kept her inside that evening. Why I didn't see she was saying Goodbye, she was looking at me through the window door. I looked back at her, doing our usual eye blink. She was saying Goodbye....why I didn't see it.

There will always be regrets. No matter how much time you had, you’ll always want more.

My husband is great support, he loved her very much. Seeing him crying like a baby made me even more depressed.


I still can't eat. Called at work and told them I can't come, I am sick, don't care, can't think of work, can't think of anything but my Jessie. I see her in every corner of the house. Can hear her walking up the stairs, jumping on top of the keyboard, sending emails accidentally. It happened a couple of times when she wanted me off and away from this big-screen I was looking at for so many hours...

Got a few hours of sleep last night, but it was difficult. She was the one waiting for us to go to bed and jump on top for a long, long cuddle, sleeping on top of me or between us every night.

I know the unbearable pain I feel now will fade with time. It hurts, it really does, but eventually, it will go away. But one thing for sure.... I will never be the same.

I want to meet her again. I know I will, in some other form maybe. Could be another cat.... I will recognise her immediately. A gentle and a sweet, innocent soul can come from any place, any background.

Just bought the finest white climbing rose I could possibly find online...will plant it in the garden, next by the stone wall... will call it Jess!

I think it was meant to meet her. I had to experience this pure, unconditional, deep love. I know, some people will say, it was just a Cat...but for me, it was way more than that.

I can't explain it. I have never felt that way before. Her existence made me feel really happy. A cat made me feel very, very happy!

I don't know if I will ever be able to love another animal the same way as I love her. Her two babies are gorgeous, and I do love them, they are part of her.... but she was the one, the cat that made one human being very happy! 

She was unique! We will meet again. I will find you Jessie.....you such a beautiful, gentle soul.


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## Guest (Nov 12, 2020)

I really am so sorry for your loss and I truly know how bereft you feel as we lost our boy in June and it seemed as if my world had caved in. It does get better - but it's very slow. All the feelings of guilt, we had too. I don't want to make this about our loss, but I thought if I explained our story, it might help your with the loss of your Jessie. First, please don't beat yourself about not taking her to the emergency vet. We did exactly that, took our boy to the emergency vet who totally messed him up. In fact, I look back and wish I *hadn't *taken him in as he probably would have got better himself. So you wish you had, and we wish we hadn't. We can't win. Unfortunately there are no easy answers. Emergency vets regrettably are the least qualified and most junior of vets - there is no guarantee they would or could have helped. Could you have kept her inside that night? Maybe. But how were you to know it would come to this? It's impossible to tell. That final stare - I know it well. It was the same stare my cousin's cat gave when he too decided it was time to go. We all knew it was odd. But we didn't know what it meant. How could you? Unless you have seen it before.

It's so hard being a cat parent. You don't want to overreact at the first sign something isn't right (because you don't want to interfere with a cat's excellent natural healing processes) or maybe you think it's not serious. And then you feel awful if it turns out to be something more than that. And they are never ever *just *cats. These balls of fluff are our friends, they heal us, they are our family. They make every singly day better, never worse. And life is never the same after they have gone.


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## Boxer123 (Jul 29, 2017)

So sorry for your loss. I lost my dog lily December 1st 2018. The pain was unbearable I didn’t think it would ever go away. Slowly I got better the tears turned to smiles remembering the good times. The blue cross run a counselling service which really helped. 

The tears we shed are a tribute to how loved they were. Take time remember the good time’s x


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## Hammystar (Jun 19, 2019)

I am so sorry for your loss of gorgeous Jessie. Animals give us unconditional love; they share our secrets, our tears our hopes and our happiness in a way other humans can't. The loss of one is devastating. I have two cats now but I've cried over the loss of a hamster, especially my first girl who was my confident and companion when I moved 160 miles away from my family and friends for a new job. She was never 'just' a hamster to me.

As to how Jessie went, try and see it as her way of saying goodbye so you remember her as she was. I think maybe she was shielding you from her passing. I am still haunted by the description of how our childhood cat went and I wasn't even there. He had been ill for a while and on that last day, he went out and hid. Mum knew he had gone out to die so searched, found him, and she and Dad took him inside. He kept desperately trying to get out for an hour then had a fit and died. Whilst it did mean we had him to bury, I do wonder whether letting him go in his own way would have been better. But it wasn't my decision. All I know is Mum was so upset after that she never wanted another cat.

I don't think there is such thing as a 'good death' for those left behind. However prepared you think you are, you're not. However much time you've had to say goodbye, it will never be enough. Try to put the 'what if's' aside and focus on grieving for her rather than questioning how and why it happened and what more you could have done. She came to you for a reason and she lived her best life with you. The pain will numb but that doesn't mean your memories will fade. She will always be with you.

Xxx


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## Happy Paws2 (Sep 13, 2008)

I'm so sorry for your loss, may the happy memories you hold in your heart help you at this very sad time.


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