# Okay, I am 'that' person



## Tracy Sidaway (May 6, 2018)

After much thought and soul searching we decided to add cat number 2 to our family.
We tried carefully to match temperament to our current cat.
Well I fear we have made a huge mistake. I and finding it very hard to bond with the new cat.
He is way more confident than the rescue described and the home situation is becoming difficult to manage. He has his own room but is desperate to leave it. We've done gentle introducing etc. My resident cat is just terrified. New cat has managed to chase him off twice.
I am starting to feel resentful towards the newbie and I feel so bad for feeling like this.
I am suffering huge anxiety and feel totally trapped.
I am pro rescue and feel so bad for this but feel we may have to return him.
We've had him for 2 and a half weeks and I know the advice would be to wait and see. I'm afraid that the resentment will build and to return him now would be better for him in the long term. There feels like there is no easy option. 
I know how awful thus sounds but really feel like we have no choice. This is having such a massive impact and I'm really not coping.


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## Lurcherlad (Jan 5, 2013)

How long have you had him?


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## Tracy Sidaway (May 6, 2018)

I've edited post to add more detail x


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## Bertie'sMum (Mar 27, 2017)

Tracy Sidaway said:


> After much thought and soul searching we decided to add cat number 2 to our family.
> We tried carefully to match temperament to our current cat.
> Well I fear we have made a huge mistake. I and finding it very hard to bond with the new cat.
> He is way more confident than the rescue described and the home situation is becoming difficult to manage. He has his own room but is desperate to leave it. We've done gentle introducing etc. My resident cat is just terrified. New cat has managed to chase him off twice.
> ...


Don't feel bad about this - sometimes it just doesn't work out. Just because they are the same species doesn't mean they will get along - I mean do you get on with every human you meet ?!!
I was in a similar situation last year - after 8 months of trying just about everything to bond with Missy I had to admit defeat and rehome her. I now have Bertie who is my soul mate in every way - the right cat for you is out there. you just haven't found him/her yet.


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## Lurcherlad (Jan 5, 2013)

If you resent him, then yes, he would be better off back at the rescue ASAP.


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## Tracy Sidaway (May 6, 2018)

I realise how harsh it sounds from my point of view. I absolutely hate the way I am feeling. But I am terrified that these feelings won't go away.
I am concerned for his welfare and care what will happen if we don't keep him but we are looking at 20 years possibly with this cat.
The thought of returning him makes me feel sick, but so does the thought of keeping him.


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## Lurcherlad (Jan 5, 2013)

Maybe a neutered female might be better?


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## Tracy Sidaway (May 6, 2018)

I just keep thinking we chose the wrong cat. He was described as gentle and timid, the same as my boy. He is very confident, he was a stray so probably sees my boy as a threat not a friend. 
If this doesn't work out we won't get another.


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## Charity (Apr 17, 2013)

It can be very difficult when seeing cats in rescue as their true personalities often don't emerge until they are settled in a home. I sympathise as we had a similar situation some years ago, slightly different in that the problem wasn't over confidence on the part of the new cat but a total unwillingness to share her humans with other inmates and she was an absolute demon with my other cat, fights were serious and frightening daily. I knew from the start we had a serious problem and we tried for three months to make things work but our other cat, who was a big friendly boy, was becoming a nervous wreck as was I. In the end, and I wish we hadn't waited so long, we decided to return the new cat to the rescue which broke my heart but she got another home very soon as an only cat which was much better for her. 

I don't believe in 'making do' if cats seriously don't get along or one is suffering and stressed, it isn't fair on the animals and makes life very difficult for the owners. You cannot spend your life walking on eggshells or keeping cats confined to avoid conflict. 

It is early days but if you can see negative signs already of this cat dominating your other one and making life stressful for him, and you, then there is no shame in returning him, now rather than later when perhaps things have got worse, and make it clear to the rescue he needs a home as an only cat. It will be hard and you will feel sad ang guilty but the relief of not having that constant tension and worry plus knowing how it will benefit your other cat makes it worth doing. I'm sure he will soon find another home.

Your resident cat may be one who likes being on his own, a lot of cats do, especially if they have been for some time. I would give him a little time to get settled again before introducing another, if that's what you want to do. Next time, don't go for the friendly, forward type, perhaps look for one who comes across as quite shy as they can blossom in a home but won't be too confident.


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## Tracy Sidaway (May 6, 2018)

Thank you. He was described as a quiet timid cat who would need a patient owner. 
I think he was maybe shut down in rescue which is why I feel bad about how I feel too. He came from cats protection but was quite smelly and and with an eye infection which was probably making him miserable. He was in rescue for 6 weeks.


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## kittih (Jan 19, 2014)

There is no shame in taking the cat back if he isn't a good fit with your resident cat. You are thinking of both animal's welfare.

I have lived with two cats that hated each other from kitten hood till old age and it was hard work dividing my house into two and keeping doors shut between them at all times as well as dividing my time between them, changing clothes and washing hands each time. Even then neither cat was as happy as they could have been. Retrospectively I should have rehomed the feral kitten I had found when it was clear there were issues but tried to work it out.

Most cats don't need a companion. They are more than happy with their humans and if they have been only cats for a while it is a big ask to get them to share their territory resources and humans with another. Many cats that seem to get along have just worked out rules about how to manage their companionship. Until recently two of mine got on well (on her death my boy cat was devastated) but even then they had behaviours that used to annoy each other and the odd spat. Both would have been fine as only cats. Yes some people have multiple households and they enjoy each others company but many have grown up with companions so are used to sharing.

Are you getting another cat for yourself or for your cat ? If the latter then spend some time considering whether your cat will actually benefit from another cat.

I suggest you take him back to the rescue and explain that the cats are not getting on despite following the rescues introduction advice and your existing cat is getting very stressed. Don't say how you feel about it just that you are very concerned about both cats welfare. Also write down your assessment of the new cats character in a home environment so the rescue can use that as a sales pitch for a new home.

A friend had to return a cat back to rescue recently as they just weren't compatible and wrote a character assessment of the cat which was quite different to the rescues original one. She was rehomed within 3 days.


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## Ceiling Kitty (Mar 7, 2010)

Your loyalty is to your first cat.

I would return the new cat, and think long and hard about whether you need a second cat at all. If your existing cat is happy on his own, why upset the applecart? 

Cats are not as social a species as dogs and don't live in groups naturally. They can live together, but it takes careful handling and a lot of luck to ensure a happy home. It may be best to leave the situation as it is.


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## SuboJvR (Mar 28, 2018)

Definitely return him. It’s not a failure, what you have done is learned more about the new cat than the rescue were able to do in the shelter environment, which will help him find a new home.

Six weeks is not a long time to be in a shelter at all, please try not to worry about that, he will find a new home and they will be better prepared for what they will now know is a confident cat who prefers to be an only cat!

Do it ASAP  for your own wellbeing and that of your existing cat and ultimately, the new cat as clearly it’s not quite the right fit for him either. That’s okay - it’s nothing you’ve done!!!


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## Summercat (Oct 8, 2017)

@Tracy Sidaway 
How old is your first cat and how long has he lived alone? I think introductions between adults, especially those who have long lived alone are tricker than kitten to kitten or kitten to adult.

If the new cat was in a position to chase the resident cat, it may have been too soon to allow them access. Scent swapping, sniffing under doors, viewing behind a screen etc may have needed more time.

Cats also chase in play and it can be the new cat was more boisterous than your cat. Often play fights look real to humans.

If you feel it is best and if you resent the new cat, it seems it is best for him as well to go back.

Keep in mind we may want a fast track to cats getting along but unless you bring home two young kittens that may not be the case.
As others said, think about whether your cat could use a companion. Is he active and do you think a playmate will help. Is he often alone. 
Do you have places for them to go to if need be for alone time, cat trees, shelving, outdoor access etc if you do have two in future.


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## Tracy Sidaway (May 6, 2018)

My first cat is 3. New cat is 1.
My cat has lived alone since he was bought home at 9 months but we had a dog and they got along.
My cat is timid with strangers but totally chilled otherwise. Never been hyper or overly playful.
Hard to keep them separate without shutting out the current cat as newbie is climbing the walls in his room. It has shelves, a cat tree etc. Newbie is very confident and becoming hyper.
Thank you for the helpful and kind replies. My head is spinning tbh. 
I feel like an absolute monster.


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## Blaise in Surrey (Jun 10, 2014)

Hi Tracy. You are not a monster. Read again all the advice above. Believe me, this forum is not slow to tell people if they are being unreasonable! You tried; it hasn't worked. Tell the rescue all you have learned and they will find him the right place.


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## Tracy Sidaway (May 6, 2018)

Thank you all, you have helped so much. 
I have taken the first steps and left a message at the rescue and sent a text to the fosterer. 
Thanks again.


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## Bertie'sMum (Mar 27, 2017)

Sometimes we have to make hard decisions based on what's best for the cat - you did your best so don't beat yourself up over the fact that it didn't work out.


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## Tracy Sidaway (May 6, 2018)

Just an update, spent a long time talking to the rescue who were very supportive. They 100% assured me that the match wasn't compatible. He's gone back into foster. 
Many tears were shed, it was hard and I can't stop thinking about him. But with a level head I know it's right. 
I've written a new bio for him and hopefully he'll get snapped up. 
Resident cat is still wary but much calmer, slept on my feet all night which is something he hadn't done for a while. 
Thank you all so much. Xx


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## Calvine (Aug 20, 2012)

Tracy Sidaway said:


> I've written a new bio for him and hopefully he'll get snapped up.


@Tracy Sidaway: That should help; I know sometimes rescues are so keen to rehome that they omit a few details about the animal they are homing. Sometimes of course, they themselves know very little about the cat and really don't know how they will react in a particular home situation (with dogs, with children, with other cats). This cat may well do better as the only cat in the house.


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## Tracy Sidaway (May 6, 2018)

Yes, we've said only cat.
We also think he's very much a people cat and will enjoy 100% of the attention. Can't vouch for him enough in every other way, just not suitable to live with other cats.


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## Bertie'sMum (Mar 27, 2017)

Tracy Sidaway said:


> Just an update, spent a long time talking to the rescue who were very supportive. They 100% assured me that the match wasn't compatible. He's gone back into foster.
> Many tears were shed, it was hard and I can't stop thinking about him. But with a level head I know it's right.
> I've written a new bio for him and hopefully he'll get snapped up.
> Resident cat is still wary but much calmer, slept on my feet all night which is something he hadn't done for a while.
> Thank you all so much. Xx


Thank you for the update - I do think you've made the right decision and I do know how hard that decision was to make (been there, done that, got the t-shirt). If it's any consolation I did exactly the same as you and wrote a new biog for Missy when I gave her back to the re-homing centre - she was adopted by her new family in less than a week and is now living 'happily ever after' with a male slave to pander to her every whim


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