# Had to have my cat put to sleep and feel so guilty



## Janine Nichol (Oct 11, 2018)

Hi, im new to this forum so would like to start by saying hi.
I really wish my circumstances were different to why I found this site to post on.

Unfortunately 4 weeks ago yesterday i had to have my beloved cat put to sleep! We took her in as neighbours had abandoned her when moving and she was living on the streets for 5 weeks.
So on the fri 4 days before her being put to sleep i noticed she wasnt eating. I wondered if she had eaten somewhere else as she seemed ok. By the sunday i was getting worried as she still wasnt eating and laying and sleeping most of the day in unusual places (i mentioned to my partner that cats can do this when they are dying but really didnt think this was the case with our Molly). I thought she may have had a fur ball stuck and that was the reason for not eating. Rang the vet (PDSA) and they booked me in for the next morning. I bought some tuna to see if she would eat that. She ate little bits but noticed her behaviour was different. She wasnt coming when called (she ALWAYS did) and when putting her on my lap for a fuss she jumped straight off!
Went to the vets on the Tuesday. Told the vet the symptoms, he got her out the cage. Started feeling around her mouth and got to her stomach! Said he could feel the problem. Unfortunately she has a very large tumour in her stomach and that she was very poorly. He suggested the best thing to do was have her put to sleep! I felt like soneone had just slapped me in the face. He said he strongly thought it was cancer by feeling and by the symptoms. He said he could run tests etc but he felt that she was so poorly and that the tests would be very intrusive. He then went on to say that she would 100% need an op and that again he was certain she wouldn't survive the anaesthetic as she was so poorly and weak! 
At this point i was in such a state of shock that i didnt even cry and just agreed. I asked when and he said now. I asked to bring her home as the kids were so worried about her and i wanted them to say goodbye. He agreed but warned me that she may not survive the night and if she took a turn to bring her back. She made it through the night- and im so glad i brought her home for the night. We literally cuddled her all night. I was there when she was put to sleep. She went so quickly and looked so peaceful!
The next few days were a blur. Had so many mixed emotions and was absolutely devastated- i literally cried for 2 days. Fast forward 4 weeks and im still struggling. Im actually hiding in my bedroom crying whilst writing this. I feel so guilty and keep questioning if i made the wrong decision. I keep thinking i should have at least got the vet to run tests to be 100% sure it wasnt something else that could have been treated. I just feel like i gave up on her too quickly. 
I miss her so much


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## Janine Nichol (Oct 11, 2018)

Not sure if my daughter has picked up on my sadness this evening. She went to bed and started crying saying how its been 4 weeks without Molly and how much she misses her! And i thought i pulled myself together after writing the last post


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## Rafa (Jun 18, 2012)

Very sad, but you had no choice.

Your cat was suffering and it was the right thing to do to end that peacefully for her.


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## lorilu (Sep 6, 2009)

I'm so sorry for yours and your family's loss of your beloved Molly. 

Your feelings are perfectly normal but please know that you absolutely did the right, brave kindest, thing for her. From the moment you rescued her, sounds like, you've done right by her, including having the courage to end her suffering, even at the cost of great pain and shock to yourself.

Four weeks is a very short time, when dealing with such grief and loss. Please be gentle with yourself. There will come a time when you will be able to remember Molly and smile and feel happy about all the love and joy she gave to your family. It does take time to get there though, a month is nothing in the scope of your loss.

You are among people who understand now. We're here for you. xx

PS I also want to tell you that cats are masters of hiding pain and illness. They are notorious for it, it is instinctive to them, because they are prey animals to bigger predators. So, it's not your fault either, that you didn't know she was ill. A tumor like that could be growing for a long time, or a short time, either way, Molly would have hid any feeling of illness from you until she got to the point she did.


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## Janine Nichol (Oct 11, 2018)

Thank you both for your replies.
I know she was in pain even though she hid it very well and keep telling myself that putting her through all the tests and an op would have only prolonged her pain. When being put to sleep she went very quickly so think the vet was right in saying he felt she wouldn't survive the anaesthetic. Just keep having thoughts that if i took her to another vet would they have said different? I dont know why i keep beating myself up about it. 
Another thing that plays on my mind is when talking to my partner after she was put to sleep, he didnt realise she had had no tests done to give a definate diagnoses and his reaction plays on my mind- does he really think i made the wrong decision and should have pushed more? He tells me I did the right thing but not sure whether he is just saying it as he knows how upset i am! I know pets dont live forever but as we took her in as an abandoned cat we got a rough estimate on age from the vet when taking her in and thought she could have only been 10/11 years so just had in my head that she had a good few years left yet. 
Strangly my 10 year old daughter only 6 months ago had been asking how long Molly would live to. I was reassuring her that she would be with us for a good few years yet! That beats me up too! 
Last week i had walked into my dining room late evening when it was dark to see a black and white cat that looked just like molly sitting outside at my patio door! I was so shocked i screamed and ran out the room!
Its such a strange feeling- it only feels like yesterday we were going through this nightmare but then also feels like shes not been with us for so long 
My partner and our kids would love another cat. Me on the other hand cant even think about it! And for a few reasons- dont think i could deal with a loss of another pet, it hurts far too much. I also worry that i may love another cat more (like the saying you dont know what you have until its gone- will i give more love to another cat?) Will i not love another cat all all as its not Molly? Maybe time will tell as its still early days xx


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## kimthecat (Aug 11, 2009)

Im so sorry to hear this. You did the kindest thing and not let her suffer.


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