# Lost without my giddy girl



## DadnGaia (Feb 12, 2016)

Hello, I'm Carl and I'm so very sad, lost and empty right now. My best friend Gaia took her last sleep two days ago. 

She was a 12 yr old small Staffordshire, white with dark patches and with eyes that could see inside me. And she was as mad as a box of frogs, always tail wagging, always jumping up to tell us it was time for a biscuit and always sat on me, no matter what I was doing, she had to be near me. And even now the tears come back, I can't seem to stop them. 

Gaia was a beautiful, lively and very loving family girl. But nearly 6 months ago she fell down the stairs, she tripped. She hurt her leg and the vet said the X-ray showed she had damaged her nerves in her back and that she had no feeling in her back right leg. A few weeks went by and she was her normal giddy self. Always happy and just the Gaia we all knew. The leg was really only used for support but it didn't slow her down and she wasn't hurting. Then I came home one day to find somehow one of her claws had been pulled out. Straight to the vets and she said it may have been caught on something and because Gaia had no feeling she probably didn't notice. So she was bandaged up and given a shot to help keep any infection away. She was back to the vets every 3 days to clean and re-bandage the paw. Again, she was as giddy and loving as always but she wasn't that keen on the bandage. She'd nibble at it and of course we tried the cone of shame but Staffs don't do too well with them. A week or so later I got back from work to find she had ripped the bandage off and had pulled out the remaining claws, just bitten and pulled them out. There was blood everywhere, it was horrific. And her head went down thinking I was cross with her. Of course I wasn't I just cleaned her up and re-bandaged the paw whist crying my eyes out and telling her I loved her. Back to the vets and she cleaned her up and tried to explain to us that because there was no feeling the leg would feel almost alien to Gaia, that she would just keep trying to get rid of it. My wife Sarah asked what could be done and was told very little. I didn't get that. What about amputation, we'd love a 3 legged Gaia just as much. But she said that Gaia wasn't ideal for surgery being 12 and that most likely she would pull at the stitches like she did with the paw. Even now I'm not sure I agreed with that. 

So Gaia cane home and we took care of the bandaging and care and she was still my giddy normal girl. We had a full night and a full following day of her not chewing the paw and we thought brilliant, she's got used to it and it's just a matter of healing and having a hop a long Gaia. 

The next day my wife called me when I was at work and she was in tears. My darling dog had ripped the bandage off and has gnawed at her paw really badly. She said she couldn't stop the bleeding and she was taking her to the vet. As I was driving home Sarah called me to say she didn't need picking up and I should go straight home, I asked how my Gaia was. She then told me that Gaia was gone. 

I had to pull over as I couldn't see for tears, wailing like a child. I got back to the house before Sarah and our two girls did and there was blood on the carpets even after Sarah had tried to clean up. There was Gaia's blanket in the corner and through tears I picked it up to cuddle it, to smell my baby girl in it. I noticed there were still clumps of thick blood on it and I knew it must have been so much worse than before. Sarah came home and explained that yes it had been worse and the vet couldn't stop the bleeding, couldn't stitch it up because it was such a mess. She had given Gaia her last shot. Sarah said that even then Gaia was still herself, still wagging her tail and wanting to say hello to everyone. She had arrived a little early so had even had a nice little walk before going in to the vets. Gaia left with the sight and smell of her mum, Sarah had made sure the last thing my darling dog had seen, smelled and felt was family. I couldn't get there in time. 

That was Thursday evening and now it's Saturday morning and I've either been crying like a baby or staring in to space. Daisy is 9 and Holly is 5 and they were upset when I explained. Sarah is sad too. But I'm inconsolable, crying and empty and feeling very alone in my grief, missing my best friend and hating this hole in me and in the house. Our very old cat Fifa knows and she is with me, she's even more affectionate than she has been. 

I'm lost. Everywhere I look I see Gaia looking up at me, I keep going to throw a little of whatever I'm eating down to her and then realise she's not there to catch it or rather let it bounce off her head. Silly things like the piece of toast I've just eaten, Gaia would always get the last corner. A knock at the door just now and I'm asking Daisy to make sure the dog is out of the way. 

I've lost two dogs before my Gaia, another staff called Midge and a big German Shepherd called Tan. When Midge left I still had Tan, when Tan left I still had Gaia. Now Gaia has left I still have our old cat Fifa and I love her dearly and believe she is holding on to stick around for me. But it's a dog shaped hole in my heart right now. Fifa helps a lot, but not enough. I'm the only one that wanders in to another room to cry, the only one who has to smell the dog on a cushion or say goodnight and good girl to my best friend who isn't there anymore. 

I'm sorry, it's because I feel alone in this that I've waffled on for ages here. 

I miss my giddy girl, my Gaia Gaia. I'm angry that she's gone because of something I thought could have been fixed. I'm broken and the cure isn't here anymore. 

I love you baby girl, I love you for loving me and I'm so so sorry. 

Dad.


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## BowieBoy (Jan 19, 2016)

Hi Carl. I'm so sorry for your loss. Please don't apologise for how you're feeling, it's just a sign of how much you cared for Gaia. For 12 years, you loved her and she loved you, and that's what you need to hold on to right now. I wish I could say more to help you, but hopefully knowing that you're not alone is worth something. Cuddle Fifa and your family, and give yourself time to grieve x


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## Charity (Apr 17, 2013)

I'm so so sorry. You are welcome to waffle if it helps. Your story about your lovely Gaia brought tears to my eyes because we lost our dog last October so I understand how awful you feel at this time. The house is so empty without them, they were such a huge part of our lives and always there come rain or shine, whether we were up or down. Gaia was very lucky to have someone who loved her so much and it sounds as if she was a very happy dog. I know it will take time for you and your family to grieve but one day the pain, although it doesn't completely go away, it will lessen and you will be able to smile at all the lovely memories you have of her. Take care. RIP dear Gaia.


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## DadnGaia (Feb 12, 2016)

Thank you guys. 

Made it out of the house yesterday and printed some pictures of my Gaia, bought a frame, one of those that holds a few pictures. It's going up on the living room wall today. Even found a couple of old pictures of my previous best buddies Midge and Tan too. I was worried having photos out would just keep it all fresh but it also makes me smile now and then too. 

Sarah and I had a good talk last night, she's taking it so much better than me, part of me is desperate for her to break down and cry with me but I'm guessing there's a plus side to anti-depressants. She saw how bad Gaia's paw was that last day and tries to convince me it was the best thing to do. Of course I still have my doubts but we all do that, questioning if it was the right thing. 

House still has a Gaia shaped hole in it, somehow that hole seems bigger than Gaia actually was.


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## DadnGaia (Feb 12, 2016)

Took zone time out of the house today, not really for valentines just to get out. It's weird how even at places I never took Gaia to it still felt wrong to be there without her. Coming home is pretty rough knowing there's no crazy dog bounding at the door as I open it. 

Miss you giddy girl.


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## Jannor (Oct 26, 2013)

So sorry x Grief is such a horrible thing.


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## DadnGaia (Feb 12, 2016)

Not a good start to the day. That place between awake and asleep tricked me in to believing everything was okay. 
That realisation that it's not had me throwing up and crying in the bathroom 5 minutes later. 

Miss you giddy girl, so very much.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

DadnGaia said:


> Not a good start to the day. That place between awake and asleep tricked me in to believing everything was okay.
> That realisation that it's not had me throwing up and crying in the bathroom 5 minutes later.
> 
> Miss you giddy girl, so very much.


It's strange how out brains work isn't it? I think when we sleep there is a reset button that gets pressed and when you wake you need to wait for reality to reassert itself and then it feels raw all over again. Hope you feel better soon.


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## DadnGaia (Feb 12, 2016)

Thanks Millie, waves and ripples today.
Work wasn't much distraction, I even sneaked home early because I'm just useless in work right now. Wish I hadn't as at home there are the reminders and they set off the waves of sadness again.

Can't see the light at the end of the tunnel yet, too many tears to even see the damn tunnel.


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## DadnGaia (Feb 12, 2016)

Sarah told me last night just how badly you messed your paw up that last time baby. She needed to share it even though I didn't want to hear it. 

Nobody is cross with you about it baby, we know you didn't know what you were doing hun. 

I'm off work for a few days now, wish you were here, but I'm taking the girls to the cinema whilst they're still on school hols. They need to see their dad without the crying.

In 8 hours it will have been a full week since you had to leave. We all miss you so very much babe. I'm glad you were still your normal giddy self all the way through and you weren't scared. 

I miss you so much though darling, it's killing me. You're always in my thoughts my Gaia. Love you so much giddy girl. 

X


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

I'm so sorry to hear you are still devastated. Hopefully soon you will be able to remember the good times through the pain, and how great you made her life for her.


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## BowieBoy (Jan 19, 2016)

I'm very sorry that you're hurting. I think you're right to go out and do things with your family; I hope it helps some. Gaia was lucky to be part of such a caring family. Don't let that thought get lost amidst the grief.


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## DadnGaia (Feb 12, 2016)

Another day passed. Sometimes it feels like so much longer, sometimes it just doesn't. 

Thanks for your words of support guys. 

I will keep on pushing through each day. I have my moments when it's too much and I need cry still. Even in things Gaia wasn't involved in she is missed. 
Wish I was tougher than this.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Hey, that just means you loved her, something that shouldn't be regretted.

I was an absolute mess when my last cat died. My partner is a tree surgeon and he was working on Good Friday and I was off so he got me to go help him. I remember standing holding a running chainsaw with tears streaming down my face. What's the worst that could happen right? That was nearly 2 years ago now and I still miss her but I can think of her and smile too. You'll get there it just takes some people more time.


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