# I made a big mistake



## slw

I don’t know where to start. I wish I had thought of a site like this recently as I think it would’ve been more helpful than my vets. 
One of my cats had a “ polyp” diagnosed 3 years ago on her larynx. This didn’t cause a problem for 3 years until noisy breathing and not eating. We went to our vets and I asked if it was a specialist job to remove it. The vet said we could go to a specialist but she was confident to remove it. So, my vet went ahead. My cat has excessive mucous n her throat straight after the op and they had problems clearing the breathing tube, but it eventually settled after a high dose of steroid and the breathing tube removed. as my vets wasn’t manned at night they sent her home the following day for me to tube feed. I felt this was too soon but they said not. 
She recovered brilliantly apart from clearing her throat a bit, but my vet said that was something she may always have now. 
After 8 weeks she suddenly had a gurgle sounding breathing and breathing wasn’t as easy. This was during lockdown and when I rang the emergency vet I was told it wasn’t urgent enough but they would put steroids in safe box for me to collect that evening. So I took her to the vets the following day where I was told it was mucous in her throat, carry on with steroids and give her Bisolvon powder. Seemed to work at first until I asked how long I should give powder for a few days later and asked about steroids and they told me to cut down on steroids and powder. The breathing got worse again. Called vets and was told to go to 1 steroid again. Things didn’t improve so we went back to vets again to be told there was swelling in her neck so either try to feed her liquid food if she was able to take it and unfortunately put her to sleep when ready or get referred to specialist. I chose the latter. However, after requesting a specialist local to me as I have 2 young children in tow also, with the current situation. They got me in at a vets an hour away. I suggested a local specialist and they said they couldn’t get me in soon. I rang them myself and they said they hadn’t had any communication from my vets and could’ve got us in, though they didn’t have a manned site so would have to decline in case of breathing difficulties if anaesthetic or an operation was needed. They suggested another local specialist. I asked if my vets could refer us...the lady on the reception said no. I rang said specialist and they suggested I contact another local vets and ask if they could refer us. I did and they could. Went back to my vets to tell them and they were cross, said they could refer me now and told he not to contact anyone and just Leave it to them. Got referred and got an app for a couple of hours later. I had been really very anxious over the couple of weeks of the breathing/eating difficulties and the lack of continuity from my vets so after the couple of days of trying to get a local specialist , I broke down with high anxiety. My other half was totally against going to a specialist as he thought it would have to involve another operation for her and he said that wasn’t fair. So I felt I had no support and I am ashamed to say I crumbled and cancelled the prevcious app I had worked so hard for. I followed my other half’s opinion of getting my beautiful lady put to sleep instead. I was scared in case things weren’t good at the specialist and I made things worse and she suffered. But straight after we had put her to sleep I have badly regretted it. I’m not sure how to move forward with this at all. I know if I was reading this I would be wondering why on earth the person didn’t go to the specialist. I can’t believe what I have done. They may have been able to help, they may not. But I will never know now. Very hard to live with. Although my cat was having trouble breathing and not really eating, she was still pottering about inside and out with me and still as loving as ever. It has broken my heart and I regret it all enormously. I also regret not taking her to a specialist for the operation in the first place as really she should have had a ct scan and biopsy beforehand, I’ve found out since. I know you will all hate the sound of what has happened here, but I really needed to voice it all as it is killing me. So although my cat hasn’t suffered, I may well have ended her life too soon.


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## lorilu

slw said:


> *So although my cat hasn't suffered, *I may well have ended her life too soon.


What is important is that she didn't suffer. You went out of your way to help her. YOU did everything you should. She is at peace now. Too soon is better than too late after all. It's normal to feel guilt after a loss like this, but I hope you can let the guilt go in time, because you did all you could for her. I'm so sorry for your loss {{{hug}}}


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## Jackie C

You have NOTHING to feel guilty about, at all. The vets dithered about and gave you the run around whilst your poor cat was struggling. You can explain to a human being what is happening, they can consent, they can express what they want. You can't do this with an animal. You can't explain that "soon you'll be better". You were your cats advocate, and the ultimate last act of love is to know when it is time to say goodbye, and you did this. You did the hardest thing in the world, but an important one and it sounds like you made absolutely the right decision. YOU showed her love and compassion and stopped her suffering. As lorilu says, she is at peace and better sooner rather than too late. A cat cannot comprehend "next week" or "tomorrow", they live in the "now". All she knew is that she went to sleep and that was it. 
Feeling guilty is normal after a loss, after all, you loved her. That feeling of guilt will eventually leave you, but your girl will always stay in your heart. I'm so sorry for your loss. xx


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## slw

lorilu said:


> What is important is that she didn't suffer. You went out of your way to help her. YOU did everything you should. She is at peace now. Too soon is better than too late after all. It's normal to feel guilt after a loss like this, but I hope you can let the guilt go in time, because you did all you could for her. I'm so sorry for your loss {{{hug}}}


Thank you for your kind words, but I don't feel I can ever be at peace with this. I never found out whether the swelling was related to the polyp that had been removed or whether it was something that could be treated. All I needed to do was take her for the specialist to look at but I was scared and confused what I should be doing for the best . It's such an awful feeling. Her eyes as she looked at me expecting me to protect her as I've always done. How can I ever forgive myself. Equally cross with my vets for not seeming to do much for her - I know things are so hard at the moment and my vets have 1 veg on duty with 3 nurses that answer the phone too. It's my fault completely but circumstances didn't help at all and I made the very wrong decision.


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## lorilu

slw said:


> Thank you for your kind words, but I don't feel I can ever be at peace with this. I never found out whether the swelling was related to the polyp that had been removed or whether it was something that could be treated. All I needed to do was take her for the specialist to look at but I was scared and confused what I should be doing for the best . It's such an awful feeling. Her eyes as she looked at me expecting me to protect her as I've always done. How can I ever forgive myself. Equally cross with my vets for not seeming to do much for her - I know things are so hard at the moment and my vets have 1 veg on duty with 3 nurses that answer the phone too. It's my fault completely but circumstances didn't help at all and I made the very wrong decision.


You did protect her. She's safe now. However you are still in shock. You will need to grieve. Try to be gentle with yourself. Spill it all out here, we've been there, and understand. xx


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## Jackie C

slw said:


> THer eyes as she looked at me expecting me to protect her as I've always done..


You *did *protect her. You stopped her suffering, she is safe. Cats don't understand the concept of death the way we do. She wouldn't have thought, "I'm dying", she would just have felt sleepy and then gone to sleep and passed on. 
"What if...." is a common feeling with grief, you have just lost a member of your family, they aren't "just" a pet. Be kind to yourself.


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## slw

If I was reading what I’ve written I would wonder why I hadn’t taken her to the specialist. I can’t even explain why not - hesitated because of the unknown, scared in case I made matters worse and didn’t want her frightened as she was very timid with others. Heightened anxiety through worry for her over the last couple of weeks whilst trying to homeschool my children during this strange time. I keep trying to figure out why on earth I didn’t go for that appointment but I’m going round in confused circles. I can’t imagine anyone has ever made such an awful mess for their beloved pet. I really wish I had found this forum beforehand as I think it would’ve helped me do the right thing.


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## slw

How will I ever know if the swelling and mucous were due to the polyp possibly growing back? Would it grow back 8 weeks after surgery? The vet that removed the polyp said she didn’t quite remove it all , presumably so she didn’t need to remove any of the larynx. She had done a clearing of the throat noise ( reverse sneezing) since the surgery which my vet wasn’t concerned about. I worried the internal stitches were irritating her throat or there was a foreign body in there, but the vets didn’t think so. 
it was the swelling that was causing the breathing/eating difficulties and I’m not sure if this swelling was near to the larynx as I’m not sure you can feel the larynx from the outside?
I have so many questions....


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## slw

Jackie C said:


> You *did *protect her. You stopped her suffering, she is safe. Cats don't understand the concept of death the way we do. She wouldn't have thought, "I'm dying", she would just have felt sleepy and then gone to sleep and passed on.
> "What if...." is a common feeling with grief, you have just lost a member of your family, they aren't "just" a pet. Be kind to yourself.


But I keep wondering if the specialist could have made her better? A ct scan may have revealed the problem. Or a biopsy. When I asked if the removed "polyp" had been sent off for testing, my vet hadn't, they had just thrown it away! The polyp may not have even grown back, it may have been something else. Something that could've been treated and made her better. I felt time was running out with her not managing to eat enough to feed a mouse, but somewhere what she did eat was enough to keep her going. Felt so wrong that she wasn't eating property yet nothing was being done. Are all vets like this? I had a bad experience years ago and never thought it would happen again.


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## lorilu

All your self doubts and agonies are normal. I'm sorry you have to go through it. There really isn't anything we can say to take it away, but it's good for you to put it on paper (so to speak.)

But think about this: If you HAD gone through with the specialist and the turn out was bad, you'd be berating yourself for putting her through it. You'd be saying "why did I make her go through that for nothing?" The "I should have" or "why didn't I" or "If only I" can be played out endlessly but it won't make you feel any better.

What matters most is that your precious girl is at peace. SHE isn't suffering. You are. You will get through it. xx


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## SusieRainbow

As @lorilu says these doubts and guilt feelings are a normal part of bereavement. You saved your little cat further pain, surgery, fear and suffering, for that she would thank you.
I had my little dog put to sleep 18 months ago, she had severe breathing difficulties. The vet said she could treat her and make her feel better for a while but the breathing problems would come back. Rather than put her through that again we let her go. I did feel we'd possibly given up on her too soon but she was an old dog at 15 yrs old. 
Cherish the memories.


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## slw

SusieRainbow said:


> As @lorilu says these doubts and guilt feelings are a normal part of bereavement. You saved your little cat further pain, surgery, fear and suffering, for that she would thank you.
> I had my little dog put to sleep 18 months ago, she had severe breathing difficulties. The vet said she could treat her and make her feel better for a while but the breathing problems would come back. Rather than put her through that again we let her go. I did feel we'd possibly given up on her too soon but she was an old dog at 15 yrs old.
> Cherish the memories.


I'm so sorry to hear this. We had similar with our dog a long time ago when his back legs went - he was 17 but amazingly healthy. The vets said they could give him something to help but would only last about 6 weeks. We couldn't think to have to go through the thought of having him put to sleep again so soon and it really was sad that his back legs wouldn't hold him, so let him go then. Again, the eyes of trust looking at us never left us. My thomasina has just turned 15 a couple of weeks ago. She was the fittest and brightest 15 year old cat I have ever known. You'd never have known she was that age. Her breathing difficulty was due to swelling that didn't seem to go down. No idea if connected to the polyp that may have grown back. Too many unanswered questions haunting me when I could've found out. All this happened just recently with me making the stupid mistake on Thursday, yet feels like she's been gone for much longer. My other cat hasn't a clue where she is. Although I have two young noisy children in the house, it seems so quiet and still and thomasina was always after my affection and strokes and could sense when I sat down or went to bed as she was there in a flash! I feel I let her down so badly and would do things so differently in hindsight. I just couldn't see the wood for the trees after so much stress and still can't!


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## slw

lorilu said:


> All your self doubts and agonies are normal. I'm sorry you have to go through it. There really isn't anything we can say to take it away, but it's good for you to put it on paper (so to speak.)
> 
> But think about this: If you HAD gone through with the specialist and the turn out was bad, you'd be berating yourself for putting her through it. You'd be saying "why did I make her go through that for nothing?" The "I should have" or "why didn't I" or "If only I" can be played out endlessly but it won't make you feel any better.
> 
> What matters most is that your precious girl is at peace. SHE isn't suffering. You are. You will get through it. xx





lorilu said:


> All your self doubts and agonies are normal. I'm sorry you have to go through it. There really isn't anything we can say to take it away, but it's good for you to put it on paper (so to speak.)
> 
> But think about this: If you HAD gone through with the specialist and the turn out was bad, you'd be berating yourself for putting her through it. You'd be saying "why did I make her go through that for nothing?" The "I should have" or "why didn't I" or "If only I" can be played out endlessly but it won't make you feel any better.
> 
> What matters most is that your precious girl is at peace. SHE isn't suffering. You are. You will get through it. xx


I think this is what was worrying me so much - it's what my other half was trying to tell me - what if the news was bad after they had done a ct scan and biopsy and whatever other tests they may have done . She wouldn't have liked that. 
But I can't help but wonder if it was something that could've been treated easily without being invasive. I just hated the thought of her going in without me in these horrible times where we can't be with them during a consultation. I feared the unknown! I will never know if we did the right thing or not, but at the moment it feels very wrong that I didn't try to find out when I had miraculously got an emergency referral for the same day. Sigh....


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## lorilu

slw said:


> I just hated the thought of her going in without me in these horrible times where we can't be with them during a consultation.


I would hate that too. I have a 16 year old with IBD and a 10 year old cat and do worry if either of them get ill, they will have to go through that, being taken in for an examination without me by their side..

Something to remember, that when a cat finds breathing hard they don't understand, and it is terrifying for them. You did right by your Thomasina. xx


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## lorilu

PS - You are a Paul Gallico fan I take it? One of my favorite authors! In fact I had a cat named after one of his characters too, my Jennie. (named for Jennie Baldrin) She left me January 2019, she wasn't even 13 yet. She had colon cancer.

{{hug}}


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## slw

lorilu said:


> PS - You are a Paul Gallico fan I take it? One of my favorite authors! In fact I had a cat named after one of his characters too, my Jennie. She left me January 2019, she wasn't even 13 yet. She had colon cancer.
> I'm sorry to hear about your Jennie. Yes, I was initially relieved she had had the surgery as recovered just before lockdown, then this happens. Had the indignity of putting her to sleep in the vets car park too. They were very good about it all, but it was still awful. I keep saying I'm not having any more cats when we lose one... but the last 3 have found us!
> Thomasina was named after a film about a cat called Thomasina that I had seen - The Three Lives of Thomasina. Strangely, I was trying to find it for my children to watch recently during lockdown. X
> {{hug}}


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## lorilu

slw said:


> Thomasina was named after a film about a cat called Thomasina that I had seen - The Three Lives of Thomasina. Strangely, I was trying to find it for my children to watch recently during lockdown. X
> {{hug}}


 The 1963 Disney film was based on a book called Thomasina, written by Paul Gallico. He wrote several lovely books featuring cats. You could get the book and read it to your children, if they're old enough.

(The book is much better than the movie! My mother read us Thomasina as children and when the movie came to the drive in when I was about 8 she took us to see it. It was paired with a movie called The Shaggy Dog starring Fred MacMurray. Funny the things you remember isn't it?)

Two editions of the book are available on AmazonUK

https://www.amazon.co.uk/s?k=thomasina+Gallico&i=stripbooks&ref=nb_sb_noss


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## lorilu

slw said:


> My other cat hasn't a clue where she is.


You may find your other cat goes through a period of grieving as well. Pay very special attention to him or her now and talk to him (her?) about what has happened to Thomasina.


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## slw

Oh I hadn’t realised it was based on a book! Haven’t watched the film for a very long time, but it always stuck in my mind and I loved the name. Don’t think I could bring myself to read the book or watch the film at the moment. My eldest may like the book at some point - he’s 8. 
It’s been confusing for my other cat as thomasina was in my bedroom for a while when recovering from the operation, so she was out of his sight. Then she appeared with a strange bandage round her neck and her feeding tube. Then things were normal again, though he seemed to realise things weren’t quite right recently with her noisy breathing and reverse sneezing whilst trying to eat. he kept close by to her most of the time. She had always kept her eye on him - he’s 8. We have had her for just over 6 years. She turned up in our garden the day after we had to let our cat, Dylan, go. She was desperately crying, turned out to be very hungry. After trying and failing to find out if she belonged to anyone and it being winter and very snowy, we built a little shelter out of a gushing box for her with a sleeping bag and fleece inside. The roads were too bad to take her to the vets to check for a microchip just then. When we were able to take her, she did have a chip but none of the numbers were answered. They wrote to the address given, but no reply, so we adopted her. I did find out eventually that she and another cat had been left behind when a tenant had moved from a rental property near us. She had been living rough for 18 months apparently! So that’s how thomasina came into our lives. From the moment she did, she has always been forever grateful and extremely loving. Never known a cat like her. Gosh, it’s hard. I think it seems to quiet now as I’ve been so wrapped up caring for her, then watching her and trying to encourage her to eat lately buying all types of soft cat food to try and make it easier. 
I can’t help but keep asking myself, what if the specialist could’ve helped her. It seemed so wrong putting her to sleep whilst still able to potter around!


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## Dougal

I am going through the same (see previous thread), Had my dog PTS last week and now feel I should have taken him for a second opinion. Was with him for nearly 11 years and I can't forgive myself at the moment for not doing more. He was in a lot of pain and distress and I thought it was the right thing at the time. Like your cat, my dog was able to walk, although very gingerly. It all happened so quickly and made worse due to lockdown as I was not allowed inside the vets.

I hope things get better for you. I am sure, like my dog, your cat had a good life and that's the way to try and get through it.


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## ttaylor45

I faced this dilemma two years ago today the 10th May with Rusty the slightly taller one in the photo he had extremely high liver enzymes so had xrays which showed a growth between his ribs and his liver, I was offered the option of taking him to a specialist vet for an ultrasound ASAP to try and work out what the growth was or say good bye to him. I chose the latter as he was 13 and a half and in pain which had come on very suddenly as I had been at the vets only a few days before and he was definitely not in pain then. My decision was backed up by my vet as I just couldn’t bear to put him through a biopsy which would have been required. Even to this day I question myself especially when I watch vet programs like the Yorkshire vet where a dog had a growth removed and was fine afterwards. I know deep in my heart I did the kindest thing for Rusty he had to come first even though it broke my heart and I still miss him and Pepe whom I lost two days short of 6 months later on November 8th 2018 due to kidney failure.


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## slw

lorilu said:


> I would hate that too. I have a 16 year old with IBD and a 10 year old cat and do worry if either of them get ill, they will have to go through that, being taken in for an examination without me by their side..
> 
> Something to remember, that when a cat finds breathing hard they don't understand, and it is terrifying for them. You did right by your Thomasina. xx


But what if taking her to the specialist had made her better? I can't get away from that question. Because my other half was so against her going to the specialist, I find myself angry with him now and I can't talk to him. I don't blame him, but I feel very upset he didn't support me in my wanting to take her. I think he saw it all from a different view, he's not a huge pet person, like me, and a matter of fact person, unlike me. He wouldn't have put her through the operation 8 weeks ago to remove the polyp/tumour. I'm trying to convince myself the swelling was a reaction to something to do with the polyp maybe starting to do something. Then I think of something silly like, was there something stuck in her throat after the surgery, that's why she was reverse sneezing ever since, and now it was inflamed and swollen. Was there a foreign body in there? A big blade of grass stuck? Laryngitis? My mind won't stop imagining all sorts. I don't even know where the swelling was exactly!

When I saw the first vet about the gurgly breathing a couple of weeks ago, it was the vet who did the surgery and she was very short about it and hurriedly said that the "polyp/growth/tumour" would grow back and they wouldn't be able to help when it did. All this said at about 5 metres away and like she was in a hurry. Just confusing! I know it's difficult for the vets at the moment. The second vet I saw seemed to this it was due to the growth too. Were they right? Or could they have been terribly wrong? My girl really did appear okay apart from not eating much at all - a few mouthfuls a day, and this wasn't easy as she kept reverse sneezing and it was obviously difficult. And the noisy breathing, which began to sound different as time went on. Should the steroids have brought the swelling down?
So sorry for going on and on... I'm feeling really sorry and angry for what I did and didn't do. Didn't feel the vets helped. The other vets I spoke to about a local referral (when my vets said they couldn't refer to a local vets) were really helpful and rang me back within the hour. Maybe with their different approach I would've made a different decision with a different outcome. They had agreed seeing a specialist was the right next step. She didn't seem in distress unless she was covering it well. She did struggle with breathing at times which was distressing to watch - she would be trying to sleep but have to move or get up to get air in. She would also be opening her mouth often to get air in.


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## slw

ttaylor45 said:


> I faced this dilemma two years ago today the 10th May with Rusty the slightly taller one in the photo he had extremely high liver enzymes so had xrays which showed a growth between his ribs and his liver, I was offered the option of taking him to a specialist vet for an ultrasound ASAP to try and work out what the growth was or say good bye to him. I chose the latter as he was 13 and a half and in pain which had come on very suddenly as I had been at the vets only a few days before and he was definitely not in pain then. My decision was backed up by my vet as I just couldn't bear to put him through a biopsy which would have been required. Even to this day I question myself especially when I watch vet programs like the Yorkshire vet where a dog had a growth removed and was fine afterwards. I know deep in my heart I did the kindest thing for Rusty he had to come first even though it broke my heart and I still miss him and Pepe whom I lost two days short of 6 months later on November 8th 2018 due to kidney failure.





ttaylor45 said:


> I faced this dilemma two years ago today the 10th May with Rusty the slightly taller one in the photo he had extremely high liver enzymes so had xrays which showed a growth between his ribs and his liver, I was offered the option of taking him to a specialist vet for an ultrasound ASAP to try and work out what the growth was or say good bye to him. I chose the latter as he was 13 and a half and in pain which had come on very suddenly as I had been at the vets only a few days before and he was definitely not in pain then. My decision was backed up by my vet as I just couldn't bear to put him through a biopsy which would have been required. Even to this day I question myself especially when I watch vet programs like the Yorkshire vet where a dog had a growth removed and was fine afterwards. I know deep in my heart I did the kindest thing for Rusty he had to come first even though it broke my heart and I still miss him and Pepe whom I lost two days short of 6 months later on November 8th 2018 due to kidney failure.


I'm so sorry to hear this... I read it and see that you were doing right by him, though. And I can see that many people question if what they've done afterwards was the right decision. It's so hard. I feel how can I love my pets so much, then do something I think was so wrong. How sad to lose your other dog so quickly afterwards... where they the same age? did you ever get more dogs? When they are in obvious pain and distress it's awful if you can't help , but thomasina didn't seem to be. She appeared to be carrying on as normal despite it eating much and it being so sad to watch her trying and wanting to eat - she always loved her food. I just can't forgive myself for not finding out if it was indeed related to the growth or not.


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## SusieRainbow

Cats are very good at hiding pain and distress., she was most likely in a lot more discomfort that you could see. My cat died 6 months before my little dog, she had just turned 19. She had lost weight, needed tempting to eat and wasn't moving round much. The last day I noticed her hunched over the edge of the pond and realised how sick she was. We tookher to the vets, the vet felt her all over and said she had a large kidney tumour. The only thing they could do for her was put her to sleep, so that's what we did. I felt really guilty that I hadn't realised how sick she was until then.
But as I say, cats hide pain so well. It was only in the last few days that she really appeared to be ill.


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## Jackie C

@SusieRainbow is right, cats hide their pain as a survival mechanism and we often realise too late how sick they are. 
My last cat, Betty, had a tumour in her mouth. We'd gone on holiday and my mum was looking after her. When we got back, my mum said that she'd not been eating very well, and I took one look at Betty and was shocked how sick she looked. It wasn't my mum's fault, but obviously it had been over a week since I'd seen her. She was drooling and looked scraggy. When I took her to the vets the next day, they took one look in her mouth and the lump was massive. We gave her chance with a course of steroids, but nothing changed. They couldn't get a biopsy, but the vet told me most mouth tumours in cats are cancerous. Betty hated the vets and was traumatised every time she went. Besides, to remove the lump would have meant removing half her tongue and mouth and you can't do that to a cat. A week after the initial vet visit, I decided to let her go. She could have gone to a specialist, but I wasn't going to put her through it. Watching her trying to eat when she couldn't, watching her look unhappy and miserable and probably in pain made me think that I just couldn't put her through any more. She was 12.

Although Thomasina wasn't an elderly cat, she was getting old. If the polyps kept coming back, you can't keep putting an older cat through surgery, IMO.


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## lorilu

slw said:


> But what if taking her to the specialist had made her better? I can't get away from that question.


And what if it didn't and you put her through more suffering for no reason? You'd be berating yourself for that now instead. You see, the "what ifs" don't matter now. I understand you are stuck on that, but it should fade with time. Thanks for sharing her story of how she came to be a member of your family. She was a lovely cat and you gave her a wonderful happy life. Thomasina Chose her family well. xx


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## ttaylor45

slw said:


> I'm so sorry to hear this... I read it and see that you were doing right by him, though. And I can see that many people question if what they've done afterwards was the right decision. It's so hard. I feel how can I love my pets so much, then do something I think was so wrong. How sad to lose your other dog so quickly afterwards... where they the same age? did you ever get more dogs? When they are in obvious pain and distress it's awful if you can't help , but thomasina didn't seem to be. She appeared to be carrying on as normal despite it eating much and it being so sad to watch her trying and wanting to eat - she always loved her food. I just can't forgive myself for not finding out if it was indeed related to the growth or not.


Rusty was 13 and a half but Pepe was only 12 and 4 months and had various things wrong with him in the last two years of his life which rightly or wrongly I blame the lepto 4 vaccination for which he was given in September 2016 and was never well again starting with a problem with his white blood cells treated for several weeks with antibiotics this was followed by severe anaemia for which he was on steroids for 10 months which I am sure damaged his kidneys then to top it all in January 2018 he developed very fast growing cataracts and glaucoma which left him virtually blind we visited two different specialist vets one for the anaemia and Optivet in Havant for his eye problems. He couldn't have the cataracts removed because of the glaucoma, oh how I wish he hadn't had the lepto 4 jab. Yes I have a new puppy Teddy who is 13 weeks old today and is from the same breeder so is distantly related to my beloved boys. He has had his jabs but lepto 2 no way will I risk lepto 4 ever again. Here is a photo of Teddy


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## Happy Paws2

Please don't beat yourself up, it's normal to think I should I have don't this or should I have that, the most important thing is that he is at peace now. 

When we look back we all think we could have done more for them, but in our hearts we know we did the right thing for them.

Just try and remember the happy times you hold in your heart.


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## Jackie C

Happy Paws2 said:


> Just try and remember the happy times you hold in your heart.


This, exactly.

Try and remember all those years of happiness you gave her and she gave you. She felt safe and loved with you. Remember the happy times, the times she made you laugh and smile. x


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## lorilu

Jackie C said:


> This, exactly.
> 
> Try and remember all those years of happiness you gave her and she gave you. She felt safe and loved with you. Remember the happy times, the times she made you laugh and smile. x





Happy Paws2 said:


> Just try and remember the happy times you hold in your heart.


Those times will come, certainly, but a person needs to grieve first. xx


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## slw

Jackie C said:


> @SusieRainbow is right, cats hide their pain as a survival mechanism and we often realise too late how sick they are.
> My last cat, Betty, had a tumour in her mouth. We'd gone on holiday and my mum was looking after her. When we got back, my mum said that she'd not been eating very well, and I took one look at Betty and was shocked how sick she looked. It wasn't my mum's fault, but obviously it had been over a week since I'd seen her. She was drooling and looked scraggy. When I took her to the vets the next day, they took one look in her mouth and the lump was massive. We gave her chance with a course of steroids, but nothing changed. They couldn't get a biopsy, but the vet told me most mouth tumours in cats are cancerous. Betty hated the vets and was traumatised every time she went. Besides, to remove the lump would have meant removing half her tongue and mouth and you can't do that to a cat. A week after the initial vet visit, I decided to let her go. She could have gone to a specialist, but I wasn't going to put her through it. Watching her trying to eat when she couldn't, watching her look unhappy and miserable and probably in pain made me think that I just couldn't put her through any more. She was 12.
> 
> Although Thomasina wasn't an elderly cat, she was getting old. If the polyps kept coming back, you can't keep putting an older cat through surgery, IMO.


ahh my 4 year old daughter is called Betty.

My cat, Dylan, that we lost years ago had a tumour on his tongue which started with excessive drooling, then he couldn't eat. After a lot of faffing with a vet, we went to a specialist which took a biopsy and confirmed it was cancer. I did feel bad for taking him there as he was there for a long day and was so tired afterwards. We did bring him home though and had a vet out to put him to sleep at home. 
Dylan was obviously poorly though whereas thomasina didn't lose weight until the last few days when she hadn't been able to eat much at all. She wanted to eat, but couldn't. I just don't know - she looked her usual self, blood tests before the op were really good. What else could it have been if not related the the growth growing back?! Though the only symptoms before the op were noisy breathing and unable to eat. I don't understand why there was the mucous on her throat this time. I will always wonder. She just looked her usual self apart from the noisy, difficulties breathing and eating.


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## slw

lorilu said:


> Those times will come, certainly, but a person needs to grieve first. xx


I'm really trying to convince myself that the swelling was related to the growth thinking about growing back. when the vet doing the op 8 weeks ago saw it she said it wasn't cancerous, just by looking at it. Surely if it was, thomasina would've been showing symptoms by losing weight and being unwell. I don't know what else it could be unless there was something irritating or a foreign body? Could the internal stitches cause irritation?! I would've have thought so. Could a blade of grass stuck in the esophagus cause such symptoms?!


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## lorilu

slw said:


> Surely if it was, thomasina would've been showing symptoms by losing weight and being unwell.


Not really. Cats will hide discomfort until they are in agony. I lost my Jennie to colon cancer last year. Up until the day before I had to let her go, she was still eating, still playing. She was on heavy pain drugs by then, but it was her colon being blocked that was the main problem. Once the mass grew so that she couldn't poop, there was nothing more to do for her. But she was still herself. She hadn't lost any weight, To look at her, you wouldn't know she was ill, and dying.

Too soon is always better than too late. It is so much better to know they didn't suffer, then to push them into suffering and have that awful memory that you waited to long.


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## slw

Thank you everyone for taking the time to read and write your thoughts and advice. Still feeling the regret big time here and wondering why on earth I didn’t get a second opinion. couldn’t see the wood for the trees. One thing I remembered also was that when I asked the vet what she would do if she were her cat, she said she would let her go. I still think it was all hasty decisions though as we didn’t really know what was causing the swelling and gurgly breathing. overall, not very impressed with things from the original surgery look g back with what I know now.
However, your words have helped me more than anything - I know I don’t know any of you, but we are all people that love our pets, and your words have been taken in by me and I keep reading them to try and create some peace in me. Been a tough day here today. I have emailed my vets to voice some things that I felt didn’t help the situation - didn’t feel they were particularly helpful when we needed them.


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## slw

View attachment 440516


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## SusieRainbow

slw said:


> View attachment 440516


That brings up an error message I'm afraid.


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## slw

SusieRainbow said:


> That brings up an error message I'm afraid.


Ooh will try again. It was a photo of Thomasina I wanted to share.
Has anyone tried the Blue Cross Pet Bereavement service. Feel I'm clutching at straws, but it's the way we ended up losing thomasina that I'm finding very hard to come to terms with and people will get fed up with my constant wailing about it on here. My family have had enough of me still being so upset, I'm sure of it. If I had known I was helping her, it would be heartbreaking, but I would've accepted it. I just can't get feeling I let her down and didn't get extra help. My own vets were negative from the word go. Reading the massive difference of opinions from local vets and specialists on here is just making me regret not going to the specialist appointment even more. She wasn't unwell, she was bright and acting normal apart from difficulty eating and the intermittent noisy breathing. 
I'm waffling again.... just so many questions that I wish I had asked now.
maybe voicing it to the blue cross service will help. Just wondering if anyone had any experience with it.


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## Jackie C

slw said:


> Ooh will try again. It was a photo of Thomasina I wanted to share.
> Has anyone tried the Blue Cross Pet Bereavement service. Feel I'm clutching at straws, but it's the way we ended up losing thomasina that I'm finding very hard to come to terms with and people will get fed up with my constant wailing about it on here. My family have had enough of me still being so upset, I'm sure of it. If I had known I was helping her, it would be heartbreaking, but I would've accepted it. I just can't get feeling I let her down and didn't get extra help. My own vets were negative from the word go. Reading the massive deference of opinions from local vets and specialists on here is just making me regret not going to the specialist appointment even more. She wasn't unwell, she was bright and acting normal apart from difficulty eating and the intermittent noisy breathing.
> I'm waffling again.... just so many questions that I wish I had asked now.
> maybe voicing it to the blue cross service will help. Just wondering if anyone had any experience with it.


I've not used Bluecross bereavement, but it might be a good service to try and sometimes it can help to talk.

I know words can't change your mind right now, but you did not let Thomasina down. You gave her years of happiness, love and safety. She felt safe and loved. She might have been *acting* normal, but you don't know if she was in pain and hiding it. If she was finding it hard to eat, she might have been unhappy or very uncomfortable or in pain. Too soon is better than too late, and you did the ultimate and final act of love in letting her go. You put your precious Thomasina first and your feelings second, you were her advocate and you did a kind thing. I know there are a lot of "what if's", and I know you will beat yourself up a long time as you can't answer it yourself. 
Cats do not understand the concept of life and death like us. All she would have known is that she felt sleepy and just passed.

It reminds me of a friend of mine whose cat died of heart and lung failure. But it's the opposite to you. My friend had workers in her house and the cat was acting weird, not eating, hiding in places, but she thought it was because the cat was a bit stressed with the workmen in. Then the next day, the cat collapsed. Her lungs had filled with fluid and she was in a great deal of distress. My friend had to take her away to the vets and knew it was the end. She felt the opposite, and felt guilty because she felt the cat had been suffering for a long time and hadn't noticed the symptoms as she'd put it down to the workmen stressing the cat out. She felt she'd left it _too_ _late. _She felt bad for a long time because of it. She felt she'd let her cat down.


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## slw

Jackie C said:


> I've not used Bluecross bereavement, but it might be a good service to try and sometimes it can help to talk.
> 
> I know words can't change your mind right now, but you did not let Thomasina down. You gave her years of happiness, love and safety. She felt safe and loved. She might have been *acting* normal, but you don't know if she was in pain and hiding it. If she was finding it hard to eat, she might have been unhappy or very uncomfortable or in pain. Too soon is better than too late, and you did the ultimate and final act of love in letting her go. You put your precious Thomasina first and your feelings second, you were her advocate and you did a kind thing. I know there are a lot of "what if's", and I know you will beat yourself up a long time as you can't answer it yourself.
> Cats do not understand the concept of life and death like us. All she would have known is that she felt sleepy and just passed.
> 
> It reminds me of a friend of mine whose cat died of heart and lung failure. But it's the opposite to you. My friend had workers in her house and the cat was acting weird, not eating, hiding in places, but she thought it was because the cat was a bit stressed with the workmen in. Then the next day, the cat collapsed. Her lungs had filled with fluid and she was in a great deal of distress. My friend had to take her away to the vets and knew it was the end. She felt the opposite, and felt guilty because she felt the cat had been suffering for a long time and hadn't noticed the symptoms as she'd put it down to the workmen stressing the cat out. She felt she'd left it _too_ _late. _She felt bad for a long time because of it. She felt she'd let her cat down.


I know what you're saying. I'm trying to see it all from a different view, but I just can't. I guess I need confirmation that, indeed, the symptoms weren't good and it wouldn't be possible to make her better. So many reasons I could say I didn't take her to that specialist appointment. I keep going round in circles. Wishing we had decided to go to a specialist in the first place before the surgery. She just seemed so well and coped with it so well - it baffles me. I don't understand the mucous in the throat. It wasn't there before surgery when the growth was so big it was blocking her oesophagus, but she had problems straight after the surgery with mucous keep blocking the breathing tube. I was told afterwards, that the recent onset of mucous was possibly due to a blockage so she couldn't swallow it, but she was eating normally for the first week the mucous was present, so there couldn't have been a blockage?! This is before the swelling in her throat. The clearing of her throat noise only appeared after surgery, too. I just don't know. Feel so desperate to know! 
Then rushing her to have her pts because I couldn't bear to plan it for another day. Had to go and find her in the garden where she was enjoying a snooze under the treehouse. my vet had said I would know when it was time to put her to sleep, but what was I waiting for - for her to be weak from not being able to eat much? The swelling may have got worse and she could've suffocated. Maybe it wouldn't. Even the vet had commented how bright she was. I just hope they hadn't assumed wrongly. I just don't know.
I do realise I sound like I've lost the plot here...


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## lorilu

@slw please do call the Blue Cross Bereavement center. It's clear you can't stop circling these things through your mind, and this is not healthy. You need to work through it and we aren't professionals. We care, and understand, but I do think you will benefit from some skilled professional help, to break through this continuing cycle of self blame and regret. xxxxxx


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## slw

lorilu said:


> @slw please do call the Blue Cross Bereavement center. It's clear you can't stop circling these things through your mind, and this is not healthy. You need to work through it and we aren't professionals. We care, and understand, but I do think you will benefit from some skilled professional help, to break through this continuing cycle of self blame and regret. xxxxxx


Thank you, lorilu, you're right and I did email the Blue Cross. They came back with good comments and suggested I contact my vets with questions that I was uncertain about, which I have already done. I'm waiting for another reply from my vets as an explanation in the first reply didn't make sense.
How I'm feeling is unhealthy and it's making me feel rather ill and it's also upsetting my children at times, which obviously makes me feel really bad. I'm trying harder today to make it a lovely day for them and so far succeeding.
I think I was hoping someone would find Thomasina's symptoms familiar and be able to comment. I believe tumours on a cats larynx is quite rare, so it's unlikely anyone has had experience of this . As far as I know the tumour/growth ( everyone called it something different!) was benign. It was very large though - even big when it was discovered over 3 years ago. So maybe we had done all we could and, though everything else about her was in perfect health, this benign tumour was just in a bad place that made getting rid of it difficult. 
X


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## Jackie C

lorilu said:


> @slw please do call the Blue Cross Bereavement center. It's clear you can't stop circling these things through your mind, and this is not healthy. You need to work through it and we aren't professionals. We care, and understand, but I do think you will benefit from some skilled professional help, to break through this continuing cycle of self blame and regret. xxxxxx


Agreed. Your pain is still so raw and your grief is very valid, so don't be hard on yourself. You may find that talking to a professional helps a little.


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## slw

❤








Keeping me company while I poo pick the horses fields as usual. This was just before we lost her.


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