# Coping with grief



## dogandbone

I am in a really bad place right now, and wanted to know if anyone has suffered the same level of grief after losing a pet. There are very few people I know who I can talk to about this because as soon as you mention "I lost my dog" most would laugh or simply just not understand how serious and delicate this matter really is.

Since November last year I lost my 3 dogs, one of cancer, the other two of kidney failure after ingesting toxins. After my second dog died just over a month ago I went into depression which is being treated by my doctor. 
I know many of you have lost pets in the past or more recently, but just wondered how long your grief has lasted, how bad it was, were there any after effects (i.e. depression), and what you did to overcome it, ways of coping etc? Has anyone tried the pet bereavement helpline, are they any good?


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## scosha37

Hi  And sorry to hear of your sad loss, you feel that way because you loved your dogs like no other, like a lot of people in the world and you will find you will not be alone here , right now your not in a good place but in time you will be able to think and look at pictures or your loving pets and think happy times you had with them remember they came into your life for a reason , dont rush your healing it will work out in the end, and when people say to me "oh it only an dog/animals" i say "and your only a Human" good luck


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## janette shepherd

my heart goes out to you.
I lost my boy Bob 26/3/13 and never felt pain like it.
I have just returned to work on thursday.
I have been in a terrible state didnt leave the house for a month and wouldnt answer the door or phone just shut myself away and cried.
I couldnt sleep eat and have lost a stone in weight.
Grief is a very painful thing and you are right people just cant comprehend the pain and desolation if your loss.
I am gettin there slowly i still cry every day still miss him so much.
As i work fir the nhs i was offered ciunselling dont kniw if its helping but i am going.
Blue Cross helpline are great they are a caring listening service i would ring them and just piur my heart out to them they understand as they have been there.
Just want to hug you and tell you things do get easier in time.
You have had massive loss and it takes time.xxxxxx


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## janette shepherd

Omg look at my typing errors never type through tears.x


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## NoSpecialFeaturesHere

That's terrible that your friends would laugh or dismiss your pain. I am so sorry for you. I am lucky that the people in my life understand. Losing a loved one, human or animal, is the most painful thing in the world, and you need support, even if it's just someone with a sympathetic ear.

I lost my Tara dog in January. My world felt like it ended, but I had to keep going, because my other animals and the horses I care for at work every day all needed me. I couldn't just stop. Life just went on, but my heart was gone. It was a surreal time for a few weeks. I haven't felt happy once since she left, but I don't feel that same completely-lost feeling I felt before, though I miss her always.

There is no set time for the grieving period to last, it just is. The pain gets less in time, but how much time is unique for each individual person and each individual relationship. And people are so different that what helps someone cope might not be what another person needs. My only advice is to hang in there, and focus on those that still need you. Nothing can make you feel better until you are ready to feel better. To lose three dogs in such a short space of time is going to take a lot of healing. Take comfort knowing that you gave them the best lives they could have had. xxxx


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## LPC

dogandbone, I am truly sorry to read about the recent passing over of three dogs. I am sure that was a great blow for you and I sympathise.

It is very difficult to put a time scale for recovering from depression after such events. It varies from person to person, depending on how strong the bond of love was. But, sad to say, it is not something which passes quickly.

You will find lots of kind, understanding pet owners on this forum. Many of them have experienced the feelings which you are now going through. You can expect lots of sympathetic and helpful replies.

One thing which might well help you, once the initial grief has passed, is to help others on this and similar forums. In helping others, you will be indirectly helping yourself.

My condolences to you, and warmest best wishes.


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## dogandbone

Thank you for all your touching replies, I just want to hug every one of you, as I write this I'm in floods of tears, it's all I seem to be doing these days. I keep playing "If I Could Be Where You Are" by Enya which for some very weird reason happened to be on my cd player the day I returned from the vet's last week, I couldn't believe it but I haven't had a dry eye since.
I know everyone says it, but it is true, time's a great healer, even if I can't feel it now, but I really appreciate all your support, as I know we have all been in the same boat at one point or another xxxx


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## 912142

dogandbone said:


> Thank you for all your touching replies, I just want to hug every one of you, as I write this I'm in floods of tears, it's all I seem to be doing these days. I keep playing "If I Could Be Where You Are" by Enya which for some very weird reason happened to be on my cd player the day I returned from the vet's last week, I couldn't believe it but I haven't had a dry eye since.
> I know everyone says it, but it is true, time's a great healer, even if I can't feel it now, but I really appreciate all your support, as I know we have all been in the same boat at one point or another xxxx


I am sorry to hear of your loss, one dog is bad enough but three is almost too much to bare.

I believe your loved ones never leave you and they wouldn't want you to be this unhappy. One day you will be able to think about your pets without feeling so much pain yourself, just as if a switch is flicked inside you and then you will remember the good times you shared together and smile again when you think of them. I personally could not speak to anyone about my loss and over the years I have had a few but I just found it too painful and like you found that non-doggy people pile the pressure on you for 'feeling grief' towards a loved pet.

Maybe one day you will be able to open your heart to another dog because sometimes that helps when you can't live without a four legged friend.


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## Supasilvfoxy

Sorry to hear about the loss of your three dogs Dogandbone, life can be really hard sometimes and it seems all it deals us is low blows.

People that dont have pets can't understand how miserable you feel, so they expect you to pull yourself together and get on with things. The sad thing is they don't know how unlucky they are not to have experienced the love and companionship that our pets give us, they are the losers in this, imagine going through life never having known the wonderful moments of happiness that you have had because you gave your heart to an animal.

Your heartache will pass, slowly, yes, but it will leave you with the precious memories your dogs have given you - and memories live forever.

Hope this brings you some comfort: Saying Goodbye - Loss of a pet - YouTube


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## Harveybash

Hi, I'm so sorry for your loss. 

After a long battle on 3 legs, my cat Harvey had to be put down 3 and a half weeks ago. 
I too am depressed, I've started smoking and comfort eating. When I found out that he could no longer go on as his remaining back leg was too badly damaged, I literally collapsed on the floor and cried so hard that all the blood vessels burst round my eyes. 
I totally understand your grief, and also what you mean about those around you not understanding. I don't really have anyone in RL to talk to either. I frequently wake up with tears, having flashbacks about the moment he was put to sleep. (I have tears writing this).
I don't really have any advice for you, but just wanted you to know you aren't alone and I'm here if you need a shoulder.
Take care x


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## Charity

Its bad enough to lose one friend but three makes it so much more difficult as you haven't had time to grieve over one tragedy before another comes along. I had this same situation a few years ago and I thought feeling sick, depressed and unhappy would never end but it did. I wish we could wave a magic wand and make ourselves feel better but, unfortunately, we can't. I think its important to have someone to talk to so, if you haven't got a friend or relative, please consider a pet bereavement counsellor. Who cares if you bawl your eyes out when you're talking, they understand and deal with this all the time and they want to help. My lad YoYo has been gone two months now and everyone else has moved on and never mentions him but there isn't a day goes by when I don't think about him and look at his photos and get choked up. I know its easy to say but try not to dwell too much on the last moments, YoYo didn't have a good end but I try to push it from my mind and concentrate on better times and I have to believe that he's in a better place than when he was here very ill and suffering. I'm lucky in that I have three other pets who need my attention so I focus on them. Getting over it for all of us will take as long as it takes and there are lots of other lost little souls out there needing love from someone like you...when you're ready.


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## ClareThor

I lost my beautiful Pippa Cat last November, and i still do not think a day has gone by where i dont think about her and miss her.
Im worried to tell my husband as he will think im crazy and I also feel guilty as we lost some close family members recently but my cat has affected me more for some reason.

I try to focus on the fact i was lucky to have 18 months with her and that gets me through.
It may be worthwhile, signing up to volunteer at a local dog sanctuary as you obviously love dogs and have a passion for them, you can channel this in a positive way and help our furry friends who need a cuddle or love.

my friend said to me "everyone needs rescuing at some point in their lives"
so helping out with animals in need may help you and in return you are helping them.

Take care xx


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## Sled dog hotel

dogandbone said:


> I am in a really bad place right now, and wanted to know if anyone has suffered the same level of grief after losing a pet. There are very few people I know who I can talk to about this because as soon as you mention "I lost my dog" most would laugh or simply just not understand how serious and delicate this matter really is.
> 
> Since November last year I lost my 3 dogs, one of cancer, the other two of kidney failure after ingesting toxins. After my second dog died just over a month ago I went into depression which is being treated by my doctor.
> I know many of you have lost pets in the past or more recently, but just wondered how long your grief has lasted, how bad it was, were there any after effects (i.e. depression), and what you did to overcome it, ways of coping etc? Has anyone tried the pet bereavement helpline, are they any good?


I was so sorry to hear of your last lost especially as you had already lost the others too in such a short space of time. Its always hard to lose one at a time, Ive been through it 3 times myself but at least did have quite a few years inbetween and that was hard enough to cope with.

I can imagine you are feeling even worse because of losing them so closely, you really havent had time to adjust and get over one loss before another has happened so I can fully understand why its hit you even harder and you feel even lower still.

Even though I have had others, when Ive lost mine they still leave a great big hole in your life even then and it does take time to adjust to their loss.
I know how you feel too when people dont understand, usually its ones that dont have a dog or have never had to go through it yet so dont realise how devastating and hard it can be, or if they do have/had dogs then they are often the ones that havent got such a close bond with theirs and the dogs are/were not such a big part of their lives. I had it when I lost mine the Oh at least you have the others, people dont realise how each dog is different and individually each a part of your life.

Personally Ive never used the pet bereavement line or any forms of bereavement councilling even when losing family, Ive muddled through and finally come to terms with it, but having said that sometimes it gets to a point you cant, and Im not ashamed to admit there have been times, when I have had to give in and go and see the doctor and get help in my life. I resisted help for a long time, but finally had to admit I cant do this on my own without help this time, and did find that anti depresants have helped on occasion. So if you really cant cope and are really low, dont leave it and leave it like I did once, go and have a chat to your doctor, it can help sometimes. If you are on anti depresants some dont work on some people but there are others, so even if you have been and are on them go back and speak to them there may be something else they can give that works better.
They can offer councelling too although depending on where you live there may well be a wait and likely some areas it will be longer waiting then others.

A lot of people do found bereavement councilling and speaking to someone does help. Just because I have never personally gone that route, doesnt mean it cant help, for a lot of people it does. I figure you dont know until you try it, you could try that first and see if it helps. The Blue cross do have a pet bereavement service that is confidential and completely free. Details are on the link.
They dont offer councelling as such but do offer emotional support and information so it may be a start and worth exploring what they do offer.
Blue Cross - Pet Bereavement Support Service

Only other suggestion is dont suffer in silence if you feel bad there is lots of us on here that have gone through it and understand how you feel, so will always try to help.


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## 1966 kerry

DEAR DOG AND BONE,
Im so sorry to hear about your loss of your 3 beloved dogs. I have lost dogs in the past and it breaks your heart but on 23.07.12 I lost my beloved patterdale terrier suddenly I had to make a decision and decided to PTS .I still haven't got over it and it breaks my heart every day. The pain is terrible my hubby works away in the week so basically I was on my own my friends aren't really dog lovers so couldn't understand. Do you get over it no I don't think you do you just learn to cope better the void is there in your home and your heart. Im sorry you suffered depression that's a bad thing to pull yourself back from and I hope you do it sounds like you loved your dogs tremendously and my heart goes out to you please take care and be strong xxx


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## rachelledger

Hi so sorry for the loss of your dogs, my heart goes out to you, i am in that place right now too so i know exactly how you feel, my little marley was put to sleep last wed, as it comes up to a week the pain is still as raw as it was last week, i think ive sobbed continuously the whole week, no interest in anything.

sending you big hugs and lots of love xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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## jonb

so sorry for your losses,we lost 2 dogs last year and it was a tough time for us,so can only slightly feel what you are going through,unfortunatley non pet owners don`t really understand
sending big hugs to you
jon


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## doggilover

dogandbone said:


> I am in a really bad place right now, and wanted to know if anyone has suffered the same level of grief after losing a pet. There are very few people I know who I can talk to about this because as soon as you mention "I lost my dog" most would laugh or simply just not understand how serious and delicate this matter really is.
> 
> Since November last year I lost my 3 dogs, one of cancer, the other two of kidney failure after ingesting toxins. After my second dog died just over a month ago I went into depression which is being treated by my doctor.
> I know many of you have lost pets in the past or more recently, but just wondered how long your grief has lasted, how bad it was, were there any after effects (i.e. depression), and what you did to overcome it, ways of coping etc? Has anyone tried the pet bereavement helpline, are they any good?


So sorry to hear about your loss. Losing one dog is bad enough but to lose all three I can't even begin to imagine what you must be going through.
The pain of losing a pet is like no other pain. I always think grief is the worst because unlike other pains you can often take a pain killer, with grief you have to live with it.

It's been four years since I lost my Border Collie and I got a new puppy in February this year, I never thought I would have another dog. I never wanted to suffer the pain of losing them again. But I guess the pain has become a distant memory and now I'm ready to pour my love into this little life and take the risk of breaking my heart all over again one day, but I know it's worth it.

Don't feel alone, everyone who has lost a dog will identify with your pain. I found the best way for me to get through the torment, and this might sound cold, I tried not to think about her, every time she crossed my mind I chose another thought in it's place. I did this for a very long time, until I got to the place eventually when I could hold the thought about her without filling with tears then I knew the healing was taking place. 
Then one day I could smile at my thoughts and feel happy that I could enjoy them without tears.

Keep posting.


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## Freya'n'Sassy

dogandbone said:


> I am in a really bad place right now, and wanted to know if anyone has suffered the same level of grief after losing a pet. There are very few people I know who I can talk to about this because as soon as you mention "I lost my dog" most would laugh or simply just not understand how serious and delicate this matter really is.
> 
> Since November last year I lost my 3 dogs, one of cancer, the other two of kidney failure after ingesting toxins. After my second dog died just over a month ago I went into depression which is being treated by my doctor.
> I know many of you have lost pets in the past or more recently, but just wondered how long your grief has lasted, how bad it was, were there any after effects (i.e. depression), and what you did to overcome it, ways of coping etc? Has anyone tried the pet bereavement helpline, are they any good?


I so feel for you, and I hope you soon start to feel a bit better. You have to take one day at a time.

Eight years ago I lost my "one in a million" dog, my brown Newfoundland called Bronte. My vet forced me into having her spayed because she had an open pyometra. I wanted her put on antibiotics, but the vet was so forceful and I was so scared of not having her I ended up agreeing to the op, even though I was worried about her being nearly 8 years old. I wish I had taken her for a second opinion somewhere else, but my vet (at that time) made me believe that unless he operated that evening she would be dead. The op itself went ok, but a few days later, at home with me, she died because of a blood clot. I was hysterical, no word of a lie. I tried to phone my hubby, but he couldn't understand a word I was saying, so he came home from work. I was in bed refusing to have anything to do with the world for days, the only reason I got up in the end is because my youngest daughter still needed me to look after her... Though I just went through the motions of living for months. And yes I got the "It was only a dog" said to me many times.

I won't lie, even now I cry over Bea, but although I don't believe that time is a healer, in time you do learn to live with the pain, so it becomes easier. Only last weekend I got rid of Bronte's food bowls and stand... It has taken a long time time to be able to do this without feeling that I am throwing her out.... I will never forget her, and if I could give an arm or a leg to have her back then I would give it in a second.

Twenty years ago I lost my baby son to cancer, I know this is going to sound terrible, but I coped with that much easier than I coped with the loss of my Bronte, and if I had the chance to have just one of them back in my life and live with me forever I know which one I would choose... Sorry son!!!

I honestly do understand how you are feeling, it is so hard to tell someone going through that pain to carry on and things will get easier. Grief is different for everyone, when my baby (son) died I cracked jokes about it which my family thought was awful, but it was my way of coping. But when Bronte died I just shut myself away and wanted to die to. But remember, the worst of the sadness will go.... Give yourself time.


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## dogsruleok

Dear dogandbone right now i am crying for your loss, like you i feel the same way about my pets i lost my beautiful rotti just before christmas i wanted to die. he had been ill with heart trouble for about a month his meds stopped working and when i knew the time was right for him i had the vet to the house to put him to sleep.I screamed and wailed like a banshee as did my partner never in my days have i felt pain like it, i could'nt eat,sleep,think,talk or even breathe , i kept him in the house all day and night wrapped in his quilt with 5 candles burning all night, one for each year we had him. When we took his body to the vets then i really broke down. The extent of your grief is a testament of your love and you should never listen to those who say things like its only a dog i hate remarks like that.I have another dog now as i really wanted to die and i knew if i had another dog i would have to stay alive to look after him. I am still grieving for Major his collar is by my bed along with his ashes,his picture is on my keyring and i miss him and long for him every day and night.At the time of Majors death i did'nt know about this site i wish i had so i could have spoke to some like minded people. I know all that i have said probably wont help the pain but try and focus on the fun things.xxx


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## lostbear

dogandbone said:


> I am in a really bad place right now, and wanted to know if anyone has suffered the same level of grief after losing a pet. There are very few people I know who I can talk to about this because as soon as you mention "I lost my dog" most would laugh or simply just not understand how serious and delicate this matter really is.
> 
> Since November last year I lost my 3 dogs, one of cancer, the other two of kidney failure after ingesting toxins. After my second dog died just over a month ago I went into depression which is being treated by my doctor.
> I know many of you have lost pets in the past or more recently, but just wondered how long your grief has lasted, how bad it was, were there any after effects (i.e. depression), and what you did to overcome it, ways of coping etc? Has anyone tried the pet bereavement helpline, are they any good?


My heart aches for you. People who do not have pets have no idea that the pain of losing a beloved animal is as great as the pain of losing a loved person.

Like you, I suffered a number of losses, canine and human, over a short space of time. I became very depressed, and I have to admit that it took me a long time to get over it. When you are ready (which might be tomorrow, or not for some years) you will find that another dog will help you to cope with your grief. You cannot replace the ones you have lost, but you can share the joy of life with another.

You will see them in corners and shadows, dream about them at night - but one day, will wake up and realise that the pain is less, or that you haven't thought about them for ten minutes or so, and will know that your healing has begun. And really, they are never really lost because they remain in your heart forever.


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## victoria171168

big big hugs coming your way.

None of my friends would dare tell me it was just a dog and my work colleagues know better than to bring up the subject of my beloved Beau.
I rescued him at 6 months old in aterrible condition and after a water bug at our local reservoir he was always a poorly boy but I never expected to be told last july that he had three weeks to live with a terminal cancer. The sun shone out of that dogs ass as far as I was concerned.

If bereavement counselling helps try it, didnt work for me but if I know I'm going to loose it I always try to find somewhere quiet as the grief is still with me nearly a year on. I cant imagine loosing three in such a short space of time but know that you are not alone in how you feel. 

Perhaps time does lessen the pain but not in my case though it is easier to get on with things but I only have to think of Beau and I am infloods of tears .
I also grieve more for him than I did my dad who died the previous year

get yourself a good support network and not friends who dismiss your feelings


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## dogandbone

I can't thank you all enough for your replies to this thread, even though I'm reduced to tears when reading them, they offer great support. I have pm'd some of you, and only wish I could do the same for everyone.

To make matters worse I am now having to live with the guilt of losing my precious babies. It was speculation before, but now it's been established the cause of their deaths is certain to be down to them drinking dirty pond water - whether it was the algae itself or the product I used to try and clear it - but it was definitely the water. I could have avoided this if I had done something about this sooner. I caused the unnecessary deaths of the most cherished and important things in my life. Not a day will now go by without me knowing this and I will carry this guilt forever. Words just can't describe how this feels, I feel sick just thinking about it and I just don't know where I go from here. I have arranged for some counselling but it's not till next month.


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## Sled dog hotel

dogandbone said:


> I can't thank you all enough for your replies to this thread, even though I'm reduced to tears when reading them, they offer great support. I have pm'd some of you, and only wish I could do the same for everyone.
> 
> To make matters worse I am now having to live with the guilt of losing my precious babies. It was speculation before, but now it's been established the cause of their deaths is certain to be down to them drinking dirty pond water - whether it was the algae itself or the product I used to try and clear it - but it was definitely the water. I could have avoided this if I had done something about this sooner. I caused the unnecessary deaths of the most cherished and important things in my life. Not a day will now go by without me knowing this and I will carry this guilt forever. Words just can't describe how this feels, I feel sick just thinking about it and I just don't know where I go from here. I have arranged for some counselling but it's not till next month.


I know that you feel responsible and anything I say will likely not make you feel otherwise as whenever anyone loses a dog for whatever reason you still beat yourself up, I know I do and so do friends that have lost theirs too. You always question, should I have noticed something sooner, could I have done something,did I do evertything I could. You even ask youself did I make the right decision when you have to say goodbye, so whatever the reason you still beat your self up and go through all the things the same, its part of the grieving process, along with the sadness, heartbreak and everything else.

One thing I will say, it may have been down to drinking the water, but how were you to know, you werent, how could you. If there were no warnings and you didnt know about it, you are not directly responsible. If there were no warnings or ones that were clear on the pond treatment then you couldnt know, as you didnt know about anything that may have been in the dirty water. Probably 100s if not 1000s of people take their dogs out every day and they drink from and swim in ponds or drink from ditches in forests and all sorts, without even thinking or being aware that there may be any risks from algae bacteria or anything else.

You took the dogs to the vet when they became ill, you did your best they were not neglected healthwise, you can only put your dogs in the hands of professionals to make the right diagnosis and give the correct treatment.

I hope this and the councilling will help in someway so that eventually you will at least see that you are not directly to blame.


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## Calvine

Sled dog hotel said:


> I know that you feel responsible and anything I say will likely not make you feel otherwise as whenever anyone loses a dog for whatever reason you still beat yourself up, I know I do and so do friends that have lost theirs too. You always question, should I have noticed something sooner, could I have done something,did I do evertything I could. You even ask youself did I make the right decision when you have to say goodbye, so whatever the reason you still beat your self up and go through all the things the same, its part of the grieving process, along with the sadness, heartbreak and everything else.
> 
> One thing I will say, it may have been down to drinking the water, but how were you to know, you werent, how could you. If there were no warnings and you didnt know about it, you are not directly responsible. If there were no warnings or ones that were clear on the pond treatment then you couldnt know, as you didnt know about anything that may have been in the dirty water. Probably 100s if not 1000s of people take their dogs out every day and they drink from and swim in ponds or drink from ditches in forests and all sorts, without even thinking or being aware that there may be any risks from algae bacteria or anything else.
> 
> You took the dogs to the vet when they became ill, you did your best they were not neglected healthwise, you can only put your dogs in the hands of professionals to make the right diagnosis and give the correct treatment.
> 
> I hope this and the councilling will help in someway so that eventually you will at least see that you are not directly to blame.


Absolutely agree with this post. I have heard so many people (myself included I must admit) say that they could not understand why the death of a pet affected them more than the death of a parent. A few months ago I lost my lovely boy Elliot, aged 15+. He was the loveliest cat you ever met, really huge, silly, soppy, possibly not the smartest cat in the world but a true gent whom I had owned for 14 years. He was always so kind, gentle and welcoming to the ones I fostered, even tho' they sometimes did not show appreciation of his sweet nature! 
Elliot enjoyed, and thrived on, Feline Fayre tuna pouches...he was always just under 7 kg so it obviously suited him. He had never had a day's illness in his life, and his only ever trips to the vet were for routine boosters. So, came the day, went to the supermarket and the pouches were not there...sold out.. help! But in the place where they had been were some Feline Fayre tuna tins...400g as opposed to the 100g for the pouches. I read the nutrition info and it was the same...60% fish, same protein, same oil/fat, same vitamins etc etc. ... in fact same everything except for the size of the can; but within 24 hours, Elliot had the worst diarrhoea you ever saw, if he stood up, it just ran out of him, no control at all, and so sore that he washed himself constantly (which made him worse). The vet had to agree that it was indeed a great coincidence that this coincided with changing his food (albeit only the size of the container) and thought that a course of AB's and some Prokolin would sort him but he just got worse. All three vets felt and said definitely no tumour, but despite their best efforts he had to be pts 5 days later. To this day, I feel that maybe I should have said, sod it, I'll give him a can of sardines (which he often had as a 'treat' and which did not upset him). The reason for the guilt with your cat, as opposed to with your parents, is that ultimately, YOU are responsible for their fate. YOU are the one who has to agree to having them pts and you always ask whether maybe you should have tried one more thing...an extra blood test, an ultrasound...? They told me that Elliot's urine results were 'off the end of the scale' which shocked me as he had not had any urinary problems and I told them so. Then they said, oh, well, that could, of course be because he had been so dehydrated with the diarrhoea, if the kept him on fluids another two days and tested again, maybe it would improve. I went to see him and when I saw what weight my lovely boy had lost, I just said I did not want him to continue like that, lying in his own mess, and he was pts. But the guilt is still there, I was the one who said he should not be kept alive...and you had NO way of knowing what someone else might have dumped in that pond...it wasn't you who dumped it...Don't blame yourself. 
I know how you feel...I feel I poisoned my lovely cat...I attach his picture.


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## AnnC

Its awful that you lost three so quickly and last year I was in a similar place to you, having lost the first dog [having always wanted dogs all my life] that I had from being eight weeks old.
The pain I felt and the sense of betrayal I felt through having to put him down when life finally got too much for him was huge.

I am going to admit to something now I have never ever told a living soul but I feel in a place now where I can take ownership of what happened and even forgive myself. Now if I can do that *so can you with time*.

I loved Badge, so much I'd always wanted dogs as a child and was not allowed. Badge went every where with me, he was an almost constant companion.

But there were times when building up towards his death and going through a really awful time when my whole future looked in jeopardy and accusing fingers were being pointed my way that I got angry with him for being old, frail and because it hurt like hell the very thought of having to loose him.I felt so guilty, because it caused some behavioural issues with him and I had caused my PAL who had given unconditional love all his life suffering and even though I loved him so much I had still hurt him.

This took a very very long time to forgive myself for, but looking back and seeing all the stress I was under at the time, it had to come out somewhere and I hurt the ones I loved most.

We look to ourselves to blame, because we hurt so much at loosing them and seek to find fault with what we've done as a way of saying it must be our fault.

But they are only on loan to us for a very short time and if we have loved and cherished them throughout their lives then why should we blame ourselves for any minor misdeeds we feel we've done?

All we can do is learn from our mistakes.

When you look around and see the suffering some animals go through at the hands of their owners and then think of all the wonderful joyful experiences we've given our animals, the opportunity to experience and to give love then we haven't done too bad a job all in all.

We are only human and we have human limitations and frailties, *forgive yourself *and start finding reasons to be happy again.

To throw in a couple of quotes, firstly the Queen

*Grief is the price we pay for love.*

*The risk of love is loss, and the price of loss is grief - But the pain of grief is only a shadow when compared with the pain Of never risking love.* 
Hilary Stanton Zunin 
I've no idea who the second person is, but they summed it up perfectly.

My way of coping was to start and look for another dog. If this is right for you then think of all the joy and happiness you could give another dog, maybe one who so far hasn't had the opportunity.

There are scores of dogs out there lonely, hurt and sad just waiting for an opportunity to experience love maybe for the first time in their lives.

Your dogs are gone blaming yourself and grieving will never ever bring them back, start looking forward and start thinking about that special doggie thats out there just waiting for you to give them the love they need. 

Look after another dog again was the best therapy for me and I went from a 15 yo to a pup and boy was that a wake up call!!

Forgive yourself for being human and move on, you deserve to be happy and a sad doggie deserves a wonderful happy life with you, make it happen.


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## Sled dog hotel

To AnnC abd Calvine so sorry to hear of your losses too, never easy and the hardest thing you will ever go through.


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## lulubel

dogandbone said:


> To make matters worse I am now having to live with the guilt of losing my precious babies. It was speculation before, but now it's been established the cause of their deaths is certain to be down to them drinking dirty pond water - whether it was the algae itself or the product I used to try and clear it - but it was definitely the water. I could have avoided this if I had done something about this sooner. I caused the unnecessary deaths of the most cherished and important things in my life. Not a day will now go by without me knowing this and I will carry this guilt forever. Words just can't describe how this feels, I feel sick just thinking about it and I just don't know where I go from here. I have arranged for some counselling but it's not till next month.


My beloved Sam _probably_ had leukemia that led to the brain tumour that resulted in my having him put to sleep last Thursday, and he _probably_ caught it from the cat that we let into our house 5 years ago when she was shut out in a storm and desperate for shelter. (I don't know this for certain, but his immune system was wrecked, and he was an indoor cat, so there aren't many other possibilities.)

I was the one who made the decision to let her in, and I was the one who let her keep on coming in over the next few months, whenever she wanted a break from her own chaotic home, or just somewhere warm and comfy to wait for her owners. She used to steal Sam's food often, and I hear leukemia is transmitted through saliva. She was run over and killed on 30th June 2008, so she didn't live long enough to show any signs of illness. I will never know for certain. If I hadn't let her in, perhaps my Sam would still be alive.

Do I blame myself? No. But I could do if I spent too much time thinking about it. Sometimes we do things, or don't do things, that affect those around us in ways we can't begin to imagine. (A butterfly flaps its wings, and a tornado touches down on the other side of the world ....)

You loved them. Keep focusing on that. Every time you start to feel guilt, think about the love you had, and still have, for them.

In time, when you think of them, smiles will come more often, and the tears will be less.


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## Grace_Lily

Dogandbone I am so, so sorry to hear your story. Losing one pet is heartbreaking and utterly crippling, I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through having lost 3 so close together. 

I lost one of my dogs quickly and unexpectedly to lymphoma 4 years ago now. I actively grieved for well over a year, and even now his loss is still painful to bear. My heart feels all heavy when I think about it right now. I am slowly managing to remember him with a smile and think of our happy memories, but his loss is still raw. At the time I had just started 2 new jobs and threw myself into those as a distraction, shortly after we chose to bring 2 new puppies into the family. We never would have contemplated a new pet so soon previously, but at the time it did serve as a welcome distraction from our loss. I don't think there is any shame in how long each person's grieving process takes, and more harm can be done if we try to block these feelings.

I hope the counselling offers you some support and coping mechanisms and please return to the forum for support or a chat as often as you need it. I'm sorry that you aren't supported by many sympathetic people offline but you can be assured that there will be many people ready and willing to listen/read here. Most of us have suffered the loss of a pet ourselves and know how awful it is. Sending big hugs your way x


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## lostbear

Calvine said:


> I know how you feel...I feel I poisoned my lovely cat...I attach his picture.


We beat ourselves up so much about these deaths, even though we do the best we can at the time. Forgiving ourselves isn't easy, but I'm sure our pets know that we do our best, even though we make mistakes. And what more can we do?

He was indeed a beautiful cat.


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## peackie76

i lost my 4 year old shihtzu Bobby a few months ago and i was beside myself with grief so much so i had to go on anti depressants and then i lost my mother 2 weeks later and i felt my whole purpose in life had gone because my dog and my Mum took up all my time and then i had nothing but time on my hands i couldnt even mention Bobbys name i was more upset over him than Mum because Mum was 90 and it was expected but poor Bobby had a brain tumour and we had to have him put down the rainbow bridge poem helped me a lot thinking that one day we will meet again.
I have just got a new shihtzu puppy now little Charlie and he has helped me no end i am off the anti depressants after 3 weeks and i am getting back to my old self at last I hope you have found the same comfrt by now xx


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## martmart

I lost my sasha a couple of days ago. I was forced to PTS. The pain of loss that Im feeling is nothing new to me..and I've been in that state where I didn't eat for over 3 weeks..shut myself away..etc..total depression a few times before in my life but I got through it. (not related to dogs, but other reasons) .... I dont know if you can be hardened through experience but I think because of those past experiences, Im sure that my own sense of grief will be fairly short in comparison. I will always miss her, she was a big part of my life and coming to terms with her passing, especially the cirumstances, and the sense of betrayal of her trust in me that I feel...will be difficult and will probably haunt me for the rest of my life, but I know I will eventually move on. 

I have a very dear friend from america who I talk to over skype...she helped me a lot...just having someone to talk to. She told me about a dog she had when she was a child and grew up with it, the dog died when she was just 13 and it tore her apart...she stayed in her bedroom for over a month. A few months later she got 2 other dogs and this helped a lot. It filled that massive gap in her life that was left by losing Stormy. 

You are so obviously a great lover of dogs, and as dog lovers who have experienced the love that dogs give, need dogs in their lives. There are plenty of abandoned dogs that are in need of a home with a loving caring owner. I think you need to fill this missing gap in your life, make new memories..it may not be the same with new dogs, but Im sure the bond you had with your 3 dogs will develop just as much with some new dogs in your life. This is what I plan to do because since I lost sasha a few days ago, I feel so empty and missing and craving that love and attention that she gave me and little things from the funny, to the annoying. Even the little things like the disgusting smell that came from her back end, and picking up her horrible smelling poo, I just miss doing it so much. But I think eventually having another dog will focus my attention on this dog and greatly help with the grief of losing sasha. , I always said that once my chihuahua passes (he's almost 14) I would never have another dog, but then sasha unexpectedly came into my life...I love dogs, I always have but after my experience with sasha, and how different and loving she was compared to Jacko, I know I need a dog in my life and probably always will.

Im really really sorry to hear of your loss of your dogs. I know the pain Im going through at the moment iss very tough, so I can only imagine what you must be going through after losing 3 dogs in such a short space of time. After only a month of losing your last dog...I suppose it may be too soon...I dont know, some may see it differently...but if you are still feeling a high level of grief, and depression for which you are seeking help from your GP, I honestly think the best thing for you is not depression tablets, or whatever, but another set of dogs. You need dogs in your life just like any dog lover and this is whats missing and I think will be a big part of your healing.

So I say, give another set of dogs a loving home, and help them to help you.

take care


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## Cheryl89

This is a really touching post by all of you and brings back sad memories. I have lost many pets along the way to where I am now and grieving the way you are is normal. When I lost my cats/dogs I felt so empty and even today I look back and still get tearful or listen to certain songs about heaven that makes me cry for them. The only thing you need is a shoulder to lean on and people to talk to. I remember when my partners golden retriever was ran over by a van and I told work I was not coming to their work do because I was distraught and by my boyfriends side at the emergency vets...I too was laughed at by MY boss and managers and I'll never forgive them for it but I know in my heart I did the right thing, they do not bring me joy like these animals do and animals are my life and may all three of your gorgeous doggies RIP over the rainbow bridge with all the pets we've lost along the way xxx


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## koolchick

I doubt many have lost 3 dogs close together but losing just 1 is bad enough. Last year I lost my dog Max who had only just turned 5 in a car accident. I was unconscious for 2 week after so Max was the 1st thing I said to my mum when I came round. I think I was just missing him as I had some awareness that something had happened to me. I'd heard people saying car accident and knew I sometimes had Max in car with me so just hoped he wasn't in car at that time. If he was I hoped he was ok which I guessed he would be as I had obviously survived. 

Sadly my mum had to tell me he'd died. I sobbed no no no no. My mum promised me another dog from a pup when I was better I agreed but couldn't of cared less. In time in did get easier. I've always had dogs so had something to look forward to. I learnt more about the accident tho don't know what caused it I have no memory of it. I was lucky to survive so its obviously expected that a dog wouldn't survive.

I have read article about the accident there was a dog thrown out of window and hit by another car the article says it was from the car that hit me but no mention of a dlog in my car so it could mean my dog, but I've decided there is nothing I can do about it now so better off not knowing. He's dead unfortunally what I don't know can't upset me. I don't think I'll ever be ready to find out details. There is definitely no memory of him when the accident happened I could of been unconscious before seeing him hopefully I was because I can't say I wouldn't of tried to save him even if it put me at risk.

When I got home it was actually easier than I'd expected not getting upset. There was times when I did like the window cleaner asking where our dog was and not having to shut back gate when my mum was cutting grass. I found I felt better after having a cry over him. Getting another dog does help a lot. No dog can ever replace another but you can treat it how you treated your other and it does make the loss less upsetting.


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## Garry Wilson

I am so sorry for your loss. Losing multiple pets must be a nightmarish situation. I can only echo what other members of the forum have said. I have found just expressing my feelings to like-minded and sympathetic people has been incredibly helpful. I was shocked at the depth of feeling I had about the loss of my cat (much more than the loss of family members). I put my cat to sleep three weeks ago and I am still experiencing guilt and grief about it. 

I too have found myself thinking "What if we had done something different?" and it's been driving me crazy. I've found it helpful to remember that I loved her and that loving owners I try their best for their pets. That is all we can do. Case in point: I discouraged my cats from leaving the garden over walls/gates that led onto roads (squirting them with water, scolding etc) ever since they were kittens. Last year my tom cat (12 years old at that time) went over just such a wall and was duly hit by a car and suffering terrible pelvic injuries (from which he has thankfully made a great recovery). I did all that I could barring making him a prisoner. If I had done more to protect him then I would have made his life worse.

Grief over the loss of a pet can be exactly the same in psychological terms as grief over a person and I have discovered that I am effectively in the denial stage. e.g. A neighour's cat got locked in our house the other day and when I saw her out of the corner of my eye my VERY FIRST thought (ludicrous as I know it was) was that my cat Ollie somehow wasn't dead, that there was some mistake and I'd got her back. Cue a split second of relief and then a stab of fresh grief that she was gone forever and the inevitable weeping and feeling ridiculous. I'd recommend reading a book about grief. It will at least help you to know that what you are feeling isn't silly or weird and will at least allow you to know what to expect. 
My deepest sympathies.


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## Charity

I just wanted to add my sympathy at losing three wonderful pets within such a short time. I did that a few years ago and it seemed as if the grief would never end, you don't have time to get over one loss before another comes along. I lost a precious cat to cancer in March and it still hurts a lot when I think of it. I agree the Blue Cross bereavement service is very good as far as I know, haven't used them myself. I think we all know people who aren't very sympathetic but best to ignore them, I actually feel sorry for them that they haven't felt the love for a pet which would make them understand. The more we have loved them, the more it hurts, same as people. I read a book about grieving and about where our pets have gone after death, that it isn't the end, it all helped though did make me cry a lot. In time, you will feel better and being such an obviously kind person will probably have the love of another dog sometime in the future when you're ready which will make you feel a whole, happy person again. Take care.


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## dogandbone

Many thanks for all your replies, you're all very kind.
It's difficult to describe how I'm feeling now, it's almost like I'm caught in no-mans land as I feel there is an improvement but there's still a long way to go before I am myself again, but baby steps is the way to go. I have been very busy with my 16 week old Retriever who has definitely helped me through a very difficult time.
To peackie76, martmart, koolchick, Garry Wilson and Charity, I'm so sorry for all your losses, my heart goes out to all of you. Let's hope time heals the pain for all of us xx


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## AnnC

I'm sorry to hear you are still struggling emotionally, I wonder if you have considered getting some professional help? It maybe that whilst the great sadness you experienced through the loss of your dogs has thrown you into depression.

You could talk to your GP about medication to help, a short course of anti depressants may help and perhaps counselling as well.
There's CRUSE Homepage | Cruse Bereavement Care who may be able to help you.

Good to hear you've got a new comer to the family hope all goes well.


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## dogandbone

AnnC said:


> I'm sorry to hear you are still struggling emotionally, I wonder if you have considered getting some professional help? It maybe that whilst the great sadness you experienced through the loss of your dogs has thrown you into depression.
> 
> You could talk to your GP about medication to help, a short course of anti depressants may help and perhaps counselling as well.
> There's CRUSE Homepage | Cruse Bereavement Care who may be able to help you.
> 
> Good to hear you've got a new comer to the family hope all goes well.


Thank you so much! Things seem to be much better now, I have rescued a 2 y/o Goldendoodle who has settled in really well with Tara and given me plenty to focus on. I still find it very hard looking at photos or watching films of my poor girls, I miss them so much.

I know pills wouldn't be everybody's way to solve a problem, and yes the dogs I have now have certainly helped me through a difficult time, dogs are definitely a therapy. But when depression gets hold of you, you can't just simply snap out of it or brush it aside. That's what makes it the problem it is, and the only people who really understand are those who have suffered with it themselves. I have lost dogs before and been inconsolable as a result, but it never caused depression (though I have suffered before). On this occasion it started after I lost my second dog, having barely got to terms with the loss of Sally some 4months before. I just couldn't function, wasn't eating and had a complete lack of motivation to do anything. By the time Kayleigh passed away a month later I had already hit rock bottom, so meds were the only option at the time. One important thing though is that little things mean a lot, and I find the response by everyone on here overwhelming, so once again I really can't thank you all enough!


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