# Relationship issues



## Nico0laGouldsmith (Apr 23, 2011)

hi everyone 
I know this isn't the typical thing I post on here about. Just really don't know where to go to about this.
Just having serious doubts about my relationship with my long term partner (almost 8 years). we live together. We have lived together about 3 years now. Literally nothing has happened in the past 8 years. No holidays, a few day trips to zoos and stuff but I could seriously count that on one hand. Tmi but the bedroom stuff doesn't happen very often at all. Literally about 3 times a year. 
I get a lot of male attention so I don't think its a case of me doing something wrong but he's just not interested no matter how hard I try or if I initiate it he gives me the knock back. 
I'm basically his mum. I cook, I clean, I wash/dry/iron his clothes. Sometimes he buys me expensive things to try and make me happy but really that's not what I want and I tell him that. He does cuddle me but its so platonic. 
I want to move out. I darent tell him.
We have 3 cats that are mine so they would be coming with me but finding somewhere that will take us is going to be hard and expensive. Im not 100% sure I can even afford to live on my own but I really don't want a housemate because I'm a very private person and I'd worry about them letting my cats out too much. 

I just feel completely trapped. 
This has been going on for about a year. I got the puppy we had to try and make myself happy again. He died so tragically and then I was back with what I had before. We supported each other through it really well but now that the dust has settled I just feel the same again. Empty.

I tell him all the time we never do anything or act like a couple. I can't book us a holiday because he won't get his passport renewed (seriously it ran out years ago and I've told him over and over).

He's my best friend. But that's it. 
I'm more scared about losing my best friend than I am about losing my boyfriend.

I also have like 1 friend of my own. All my other friends jumped ship years ago when I couldn't spend time with them because he moaned at me if I went out on my own but refused to come with me. So the only other friends I have are his friends. They're mostly guys. Which I don't mind because I get on with men well but I'd lose them too if I moved out.

can't move back home because my work is over an hour away from my parents without traffic and I can't move the 3 cats in there either. I love my job too much it's the only thing I have.


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## rona (Aug 18, 2011)

I've been in your situation, unfortunately I ended up moving to a relationship that wasn't so caring and when that went bad, my ex partner/best friend gave me a home again for a short period. 
I can't offer advice I'm afraid because my decisions weren't really the right ones and sometimes I wish I had never left my best friend. Luckily he stayed my best friend 
I was lucky financially, though at 30 I had been left with nothing, one or two events set me on the righ path.

It's horrid when you feel trapped, particularly by someone you really like or love. I would think the first thing to do for yourself is to get a social life. If he doesn't want to go tough!


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## Nico0laGouldsmith (Apr 23, 2011)

rona said:


> I've been in your situation, unfortunately I ended up moving to a relationship that wasn't so caring and when that went bad, my ex partner/best friend gave me a home again for a short period.
> I can't offer advice I'm afraid because my decisions weren't really the right ones and sometimes I wish I had never left my best friend. Luckily he stayed my best friend
> I was lucky financially, though at 30 I had been left with nothing, one or two events set me on the righ path.
> 
> It's horrid when you feel trapped, particularly by someone you really like or love. I would think the first thing to do for yourself is to get a social life. If he doesn't want to go tough!


Your experience is the exact type of thing I need to hear though. I don't know anyone who has been through this type of thing before. It's like something from a tv show! Like it seems surreal that I'm even considering going.

I went out on Friday night with my one friend (haha) and we did have a great time together so hopefully that's the start of me being a bit more free. I kind of woke up on Saturday though feeling like I wanted to leave even more. Which is awful. It's got to the point where ive tried so so hard to get him to be physical with me and to try and make it work in general that now when he tries to cuddle me or if he rolls over in bed and tries to put his arm around me I recoil a bit. Which is completely involuntary and I feel terrible about. I need to talk to my dad about it. Normally I'm there regularly on my own because he hates going to my parents for some reason (even though I spend a lot of time with his) but this weekend it's my birthday so he will be coming with me to go there. So I still won't get to talk to my dad. I can't even ask him to come talk to me about my mums Christmas present in a bedroom or something because id come down crying.


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## rona (Aug 18, 2011)

I honestly don't know what to say to you, but you really do need to get a life of your own. It does sound as if your partner is being very selfish and getting everything his own way. Did he move straight from his parents to you?

Maybe a good cry on your dads shoulder would do you good and he may be able to give you some help


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## Lexiedhb (Jun 9, 2011)

If it were that bad, you'd find somewhere for the cats, or leave them with him and do the hours commute to work, whilst you sorted things out.

I have been in pretty much this exact situation. I left my ex of 7 years nearly 4 years ago, and had to move in with my mum, and leave behind my dog. Its hard, but its worth it.


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## Nico0laGouldsmith (Apr 23, 2011)

rona said:


> I honestly don't know what to say to you, but you really do need to get a life of your own. It does sound as if your partner is being very selfish and getting everything his own way. Did he move straight from his parents to you?
> 
> Maybe a good cry on your dads shoulder would do you good and he may be able to give you some help


Don't worry I don't really expect people to know what to say to be honest. It's difficult when it's such a personal thing. 
He is very selfish but because he also looks after me in general and he does genuinely care I overlook it and I have done for years. Yes he did move straight from his parents to live with me but his mum didn't actually do anything like his washing for him. I think when we moved in together he thought he basically had a wife and i would do everything. We moved an hour away for his work. Which meant I had to give up my job. I didn't mind because I didn't like it. Then I got a new job that I ended up hating. Now the trickiest part is that we work at the same place. Different parts but same place. People know we are together. A few weeks ago he went for an interview 2hrs away from here. He wanted to move there. That was the moment when I realised I was lying to myself by ignoring my feelings because he turned down the job based on it not being what he thought it was. My heart broke a little bit because I'd been talking to a guy at work (different department so he doesn't even know him so there was no bias since people at work seem to like him) and he said it sounded like the time for following was over because when I was telling him it suddenly hit me how much I didn't want to go Like I'd done that once. Given up my life. I love my job. So when he turned it down I realised that was my chance to stay and tell him to go. That we wanted different things. And the chance was taken from me. It's amazing how much it upset me. It was such a perfect way out.


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## Nico0laGouldsmith (Apr 23, 2011)

Lexiedhb said:


> If it were that bad, you'd find somewhere for the cats, or leave them with him and do the hours commute to work, whilst you sorted things out.
> 
> I have been in pretty much this exact situation. I left my ex of 7 years nearly 4 years ago, and had to move in with my mum, and leave behind my dog. Its hard, but its worth it.


I couldn't possibly leave the cats. He can't even feed them without almost throwing up nevermind the litter trays. They're my babies and id end up going back just to be with them. Not him. I think I may just have to ask my parents for help and see if I can get somewhere around here that will take me and the cats. I don't even have my own car. I got rid last year because I walk to work. So if I moved back home I'd have to buy a car as well.


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## shadowmare (Jul 7, 2013)

By the end of my last relationship that's how I felt... I was still in love but the relationship just felt so platonic! We were together for 4 years and lived together for 2.5 years by that point. We did go on holidays but generally didn't get out much because he was tired between shifts or just had no money. Sometimes I would actually joke that I might as well get off the pill as I was poisoning my body for no reason. Aaaand then I found out he cheated on me. The break up was hard and I obviously lost my best and closest friend, and finding a home with a dog was hard but so worth it!v


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## foxiesummer (Feb 4, 2009)

Does he know how you feel. What about trying Relate, I don't think you have to be married to use the service.


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## Mad4Collies (Jun 19, 2013)

I feel for you, I really do. I was in this situation not long ago and felt my only option was to leave but, like you, there were so many reasons to stay and it was breaking my heart. 

You know what I did? I talked to my partner. I laid it all out. He's my best friend first and my life partner second. If I couldn't talk to my best friend, then who could I talk to? He listened, he understood and he felt the same way. 

When you're with someone for such a long time, it's easy to get complacent and to take them for granted. We're all guilty of it. For me, there were things I wasn't happy with in the relationship and I felt that he wasn't pulling his weight. I was the one pushing us forward and I couldn't bear the weight of it anymore. It was just too hard. So, we went to counselling. And it was the best thing we ever did! It created a safe place for us to share our feelings and concerns with no judgement and an impartial person to help us work through it. It really, really helped but it's only because he was just as willing as me to recognise that our relationship needed a little help and he was willing to put the work in because he loves me, respects me and values me. 

It wasn't easy but we are communicating more now than we ever did. That was what was missing, we were both thinking about the future but weren't sharing our thoughts with each other. We both want the same things out of life but I thought he was just coasting and holding me back. I would suggest that you talk to your partner and see how he is feeling. If you're so unhappy, he must be too. And he can't be that oblivious to how things are between you. 

As for the reasons for staying, I had the same - financial concerns, worry over pets, how would I cope on my own as I don't have friends or family nearby? I realised these were just roadblocks I'd put up for myself because I didn't want to give up and leave. If you want something so badly, you will make it work. I'm not suggesting you're feeling the same way as I did, but it does come across that you don't want to give up either but would rather things improve and they can, but you need to talk to him. 

Let him in


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## Nico0laGouldsmith (Apr 23, 2011)

shadowmare said:


> By the end of my last relationship that's how I felt... I was still in love but the relationship just felt so platonic! We were together for 4 years and lived together for 2.5 years by that point. We did go on holidays but generally didn't get out much because he was tired between shifts or just had no money. Sometimes I would actually joke that I might as well get off the pill as I was poisoning my body for no reason. Aaaand then I found out he cheated on me. The break up was hard and I obviously lost my best and closest friend, and finding a home with a dog was hard but so worth it!v


That is exactly what it is. I love him. I'm not in love with him. I've even started noticing other men over this past year which I have never done! Like I normally don't even fancy men on television usually but like men I work with and stuff ive been like omg! How have I never noticed you before! And stuff. Which is crazy.
My biggest fear is being alone forever. I'm 26 at the weekend and I know that's not old but we've been together since I was in sixth form and I feel like we should be getting married and thinking about kids! Yet I'm wanting to go.



foxiesummer said:


> Does he know how you feel. What about trying Relate, I don't think you have to be married to use the service.


He knows I'm unhappy at the moment. He knows I hate how little he does to help me and how little we are intimate. He knows I hate how we never do couply things. He earns a good wage well we both do but we don't even go like sit in the park or just spend time together anywhere other than watching tv.
He knows I'm not happy. He doesn't know I'm ready to go. I've got to speak to him properly but I know he will tell me not to go and I know I will feel bad and end up staying for a bit longer "give him another chance" etc and nothing will change. It never does. I've been telling him for years I need an equal partnership etc. I need help around the house. But he doesbt even change temporarily. Not even for a day. 
So he's beyond changing I guess. Maybe I just need to accept that's who he is.


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## Nico0laGouldsmith (Apr 23, 2011)

Mad4Collies said:


> I feel for you, I really do. I was in this situation not long ago and felt my only option was to leave but, like you, there were so many reasons to stay and it was breaking my heart.
> 
> You know what I did? I talked to my partner. I laid it all out. He's my best friend first and my life partner second. If I couldn't talk to my best friend, then who could I talk to? He listened, he understood and he felt the same way.
> 
> ...


This is really useful. He seems to understand my feelings though. I just haven't told him I'm at breaking point. Who knows maybe when I do everything will change! I would love to go to counselling but he really wouldn't. I know that for a fact. But maybe if it's that or I go? I dunno.


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## ameliajane (Mar 26, 2011)

Relate will see you on your own if he wont go, although if he may change his mind when he realises you will go without him if necessary! 
Even without your partner present they can help you to sort out your own feelings about this relationship and where you want to go from here.


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## Lurcherlad (Jan 5, 2013)

Why not start looking around for somewhere else to live, that *will* take the cats? Just knowing that you are taking a bit of control over your future may give you a lift and you may just be lucky enough to find somewhere suitable.

If you do, then you can decide whether you really want to leave. At least you will then be in a position to make the choice, rather than feel trapped as you do now.


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## Lexiedhb (Jun 9, 2011)

Nico0laGouldsmith said:


> I couldn't possibly leave the cats. He can't even feed them without almost throwing up nevermind the litter trays. They're my babies and id end up going back just to be with them. Not him. I think I may just have to ask my parents for help and see if I can get somewhere around here that will take me and the cats. I don't even have my own car. I got rid last year because I walk to work. So if I moved back home I'd have to buy a car as well.


Right this may well sound harsh- you are making excuses. I did it for 2 years in my relationship because staying was easier than having to put on some big girl pants and deal with the situation that was making me miserable. You could rehome the cats, or ask any friends etc to have them, or come to some deal with your parents that they are only in one room maybe. Then you could move back in with your folks and get yourself financially stable before trying to find a place of your own.

Its tough, it will be the toughest thing you ever do - for many reasons, but if its over its over and you need to look out for yourself.


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## Charity (Apr 17, 2013)

I'm a senior person, older and hopefully wiser. I don't believe people who are unhappy in relationships should just up sticks and leave. Even though you've told him how you feel, you really need to sit him down, no distractions or doing other things, and explain exactly how you feel and that you are thinking of leaving. This might wake him up a bit and perhaps you'll find he isn't very happy either but, being a man, he doesn't say anything. If necessary, make a list of all the things that get you down and discuss them. May be stop doing so much for him if you are that sort of person, make him do more for himself. Go out more with other people if he's not willing. You have to be strong to follow through and don't give way because he will be hurt but it will either make or break your relationship. By all means, start looking for somewhere else to go so that if things get difficult, you are able to leave when you want. You will feel better for doing something rather than muddling along feeling wretched and unfulfilled all of the time.


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## Nico0laGouldsmith (Apr 23, 2011)

ameliajane said:


> Relate will see you on your own if he wont go, although if he may change his mind when he realises you will go without him if necessary!
> Even without your partner present they can help you to sort out your own feelings about this relationship and where you want to go from here.


That's great I'll look into the relate thing. Thank you. X



Lurcherlad said:


> Why not start looking around for somewhere else to live, that *will* take the cats? Just knowing that you are taking a bit of control over your future may give you a lift and you may just be lucky enough to find somewhere suitable.
> 
> If you do, then you can decide whether you really want to leave. At least you will then be in a position to make the choice, rather than feel trapped as you do now.


I've started looking online but I thought I could just contact an estate agents and just ask for help finding a landlord.



Lexiedhb said:


> Right this may well sound harsh- you are making excuses. I did it for 2 years in my relationship because staying was easier than having to put on some big girl pants and deal with the situation that was making me miserable. You could rehome the cats, or ask any friends etc to have them, or come to some deal with your parents that they are only in one room maybe. Then you could move back in with your folks and get yourself financially stable before trying to find a place of your own.
> 
> Its tough, it will be the toughest thing you ever do - for many reasons, but if its over its over and you need to look out for yourself.


I could never rehome my cats. It would break my heart to lose them and live alone. Worst case scenario they would be shut in a room at my parents' house but no way I could rehome them.
Thank you for being so blunt though it's actually helpful to see the views of different people



Charity said:


> I'm a senior person, older and hopefully wiser. I don't believe people who are unhappy in relationships should just up sticks and leave. Even though you've told him how you feel, you really need to sit him down, no distractions or doing other things, and explain exactly how you feel and that you are thinking of leaving. This might wake him up a bit and perhaps you'll find he isn't very happy either but, being a man, he doesn't say anything. If necessary, make a list of all the things that get you down and discuss them. May be stop doing so much for him if you are that sort of person, make him do more for himself. Go out more with other people if he's not willing. You have to be strong to follow through and don't give way because he will be hurt but it will either make or break your relationship. By all means, start looking for somewhere else to go so that if things get difficult, you are able to leave when you want. You will feel better for doing something rather than muddling along feeling wretched and unfulfilled all of the time.


I can see what you mean here. I just feel like if it's not changed in 8 years of me telling him. I don't see how it can change. I really do need to man up (kind of.... Haha) and just tell him I'm at breaking point. And hope that makes him realise things need to change and if he isn't willing to work with me I'll have to go it alone.


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## Catharinem (Dec 17, 2014)

Relationships have ups and downs, and you're not going to have mad passion every night in a long term relationship, especially if you are both tired, stressed, trying too hard or just always on the run. There's a saying about couples changing over time:
First it's tri - weekly, then tries weekly, then tries weakly. ;-) 
If that's the only thing making you unhappy then there really are other things to be worrying about that are more important.
However, you say you love but are not "in love". You need to think what you mean by that. If you're trying to rekindle the same "first love" you had, you need to accept that it doesn't stay like that forever, especially if you want children - few mums or dads want to stay up half the night with a poorly child, finally get it off to sleep, get out of bed again to change child's sheets and pyjamas which have just been sacked on, then go back to their own bed for a night of passion before getting up for the daily commute! Life isn't a Fairy Tale, unless you count Shrek (3 I think?), where he does a deal to get just one day of his old life back. And the song says "along with the sunshine, you got to have a little rain sometimes "
BUT, at the end of the day, is he more than your freind? Is he someone you can't imagine not coming home to? If he gad a fling with someone else would you be heartbroken or relieved? Be honest with yourself about how you'd feel, because he deserves a lady who thinks he's the best thing that ever happened to her, even if he drives her crazy sometimes. Is he really that selfish, are you sure there's nothing you assume he'll do for because those are his jobs ( checking your car's oil, carrying the heaviest bags, paying for the diesel if you go somewhere together, even if it is only grocery shopping)?
If he's your best freind but not the love of your life then you do need to give both of you a chance to find your true love. If you can't imagine not coming home to him then you really need to talk properly about what you both want. 
If you are good freinds but don't have a future as a couple, is there a reason you can't continue as flatmates for now, it doesn't have to be a case of leave or rehome the cats or stay together does it? Yes, it could be awkward for a little while, but if he's a good freind then fight to keep at least that - just tells ng him you're taking the cats and leaving is not going to make him feel a special freind, but a dumped ex boyfriend. 
Can you talk to him about having a talk? Not just want decisions or ultimatum straight away, but say you're not happy with how things are, can you make some time specifically to talk things through calmly?
Hope you get the answers you're looking for.


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## rona (Aug 18, 2011)

Charity said:


> I'm a senior person, older and hopefully wiser. I don't believe people who are unhappy in relationships should just up sticks and leave. Even though you've told him how you feel, you really need to sit him down, no distractions or doing other things, and explain exactly how you feel and that you are thinking of leaving. This might wake him up a bit and perhaps you'll find he isn't very happy either but, being a man, he doesn't say anything. If necessary, make a list of all the things that get you down and discuss them. May be stop doing so much for him if you are that sort of person, make him do more for himself. Go out more with other people if he's not willing. You have to be strong to follow through and don't give way because he will be hurt but it will either make or break your relationship. By all means, start looking for somewhere else to go so that if things get difficult, you are able to leave when you want. You will feel better for doing something rather than muddling along feeling wretched and unfulfilled all of the time.


Agree with this wholeheartedly. Also if you want kids your biological clock is ticking and you don't want to be wasting any more time on a relationship if it's not right


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## Nico0laGouldsmith (Apr 23, 2011)

Catharinem said:


> Relationships have ups and downs, and you're not going to have mad passion every night in a long term relationship, especially if you are both tired, stressed, trying too hard or just always on the run. There's a saying about couples changing over time:
> First it's tri - weekly, then tries weekly, then tries weakly. ;-)
> If that's the only thing making you unhappy then there really are other things to be worrying about that are more important.
> However, you say you love but are not "in love". You need to think what you mean by that. If you're trying to rekindle the same "first love" you had, you need to accept that it doesn't stay like that forever, especially if you want children - few mums or dads want to stay up half the night with a poorly child, finally get it off to sleep, get out of bed again to change child's sheets and pyjamas which have just been sacked on, then go back to their own bed for a night of passion before getting up for the daily commute! Life isn't a Fairy Tale, unless you count Shrek (3 I think?), where he does a deal to get just one day of his old life back. And the song says "along with the sunshine, you got to have a little rain sometimes "
> ...


This was really helpful thank you  
I fully understand what you're saying and thank you for all of this. There's many many things that all seem so little when you think about them but when you add them all together it shows an enormous problem of potentially a lack of respect. He has one job and that is to take the bins out. No word of a lie. That is his one job around the house. Once a week he has to physically take the wheelie bin out on to the road. Because I've been covering more hours at work recently it hasn't been done for 2 weeks because I always end up doing it and forgot myself. He isn't a bad guy by any means really he's a really nice man. People at work like him, my parents like him. I understand that he deserves to be with someone who basically worships him but i also feel like I've been his mum for 8 years and get very little in return. I think I deserve at least a little appreciation.
He doesn't even call me by my name. Not even a pet name. He talks at me. Even in public. If I don't respond he just doesn't ask again. I've tried it to see what he would do. He walks in front of me. Sometimes knocking me out of the way if I didn't realise he was going to step there if we have to go in single file to go through a door. He puts things next to the bin rather than in it. If I went home and took a photo of my house right now I would be ashamed and it's all because I've been too tired and he creates mess rather than cleaning it up.
I fully understand it isn't meant to be roses and chocolates forever. But a few kind words of appreciation, a little help would go a long way. 
He won't spend time with my family even though they're nothing but nice to him. He asks me if he can stay at home. Then moans if I say I'm going on my own to see them. Ive lost so many friends through cancelling spending time with them because he has complained yet I spend so much time with his family and friends. On my birthday I didn't go and see my parents because he complained about the drive but didn't want them at the house. same on my dads birthday except he pestered me until I said I wouldn't go on my own.
Yes I do want to settle down and have kids but I honestly can't see it happening with him. He says he wants kids one day. He said he doesn't really want to get married and if we do he won't wear a wedding ring. I can understand that's his compromise and it's nice that he would consider marriage with me if he doesn't have to wear a ring because I don't want to make him marry me. 
Those things that you said about filling up the car and stuff. It's me who books the services and MOTs and drops it off, it's me who usually puts the petrol in because he leaves it to go low. He complains so much if a tyre needs air in or something and I end up doing it and getting covered in dirt off the tyre.
Yes fair enough occasionally he says to me to go get my hair done and treat myself or something. 
We work at the same place yet every day he sets off earlier or later than me to walk in so we have to walk separately. It's just odd really.

There are so many things. It's been building up for such a long time and I honestly have been telling him as things are annoying me.... But of course I'm just nagging and I'll be fine again in the morning. That's literally what he thinks.


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## Hanwombat (Sep 5, 2013)

I was in the exact same situation earlier this year. Been with my boyfriend for 6 years, never been on holiday, never wanted to do anything, I cooked, cleaned, did all his washing, ironing etc.. I was sick of it!

Eventually in April I had had enough and told him I wanted to end it! We had two dogs and a cat at the time but I kept them as I paid for them all and did everything with them.

Its not been easy, I was lucky I was able to move in with a friend. I also crashed and wrote off my car in June which really didn't help. My dogs also had to go away for 10 weeks whilst I sorted myself out, so it was really hard without them but they were both looked after so well.

Anyways, its nearly December, I have a new boyfriend who is AMAZING and completely different to my ex! We've only been together a few months and already we've been away to the Lake District. We also have another holiday booked in February in Norfolk and we plan to go to Rome, Italy next Autumn  Hes also great with all my pets and loves them all dearly.
He even comes to the dog shows with me and wants to go on a horse riding holiday with me next year!

I wish I'd broken up with my ex YEARS ago! But its all done now and I couldn't be happier!

I wish you all the luck, whatever you do.


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## shadowmare (Jul 7, 2013)

Nico0laGouldsmith said:


> That is exactly what it is. I love him. I'm not in love with him. I've even started noticing other men over this past year which I have never done! Like I normally don't even fancy men on television usually but like men I work with and stuff ive been like omg! How have I never noticed you before! And stuff. Which is crazy.
> My biggest fear is being alone forever. I'm 26 at the weekend and I know that's not old but we've been together since I was in sixth form and I feel like we should be getting married and thinking about kids! Yet I'm wanting to go.


I turned 26 a couple of months after the break up so I know exactly how that feels haha! I thought my life was planned out and we regularly spoke about a wedding and children (even about their names haha) so becoming single was a real shock to the system... But definitely for the best. My break up was messy because of his cheating so I often wish I had walked away before I got disillusioned...


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## rona (Aug 18, 2011)

Nico0laGouldsmith said:


> This was really helpful thank you
> I fully understand what you're saying and thank you for all of this. There's many many things that all seem so little when you think about them but when you add them all together it shows an enormous problem of potentially a lack of respect. He has one job and that is to take the bins out. No word of a lie. That is his one job around the house. Once a week he has to physically take the wheelie bin out on to the road. Because I've been covering more hours at work recently it hasn't been done for 2 weeks because I always end up doing it and forgot myself. He isn't a bad guy by any means really he's a really nice man. People at work like him, my parents like him. I understand that he deserves to be with someone who basically worships him but i also feel like I've been his mum for 8 years and get very little in return. I think I deserve at least a little appreciation.
> He doesn't even call me by my name. Not even a pet name. He talks at me. Even in public. If I don't respond he just doesn't ask again. I've tried it to see what he would do. He walks in front of me. Sometimes knocking me out of the way if I didn't realise he was going to step there if we have to go in single file to go through a door. He puts things next to the bin rather than in it. If I went home and took a photo of my house right now I would be ashamed and it's all because I've been too tired and he creates mess rather than cleaning it up.
> I fully understand it isn't meant to be roses and chocolates forever. But a few kind words of appreciation, a little help would go a long way.
> ...


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## chissy 15 (Mar 13, 2013)

I know what it's like to be in your mid 20s and feel your relationship isn't going anywhere. I moved back in with my mum but didn't have pets to consider and it was nearly 30 years ago. I started dating my now husband a few months after the break up and we have been married 27 years

I was only 16 when I started going out with my ex and I think you do a lot of growing up through your 20's, what you feel like at 20 isn't necessarily the way you feel at 26.

You say your relationship isn't physical and that's down to him, I don't want to offend you or anything and apologise if I do,, but is he just using you to do everything for him? Does he have a social life without you, or does he only go out with you? If he does have a social life without you is it possible he could be seeing other people, women? Like having his cake and eating it so to speak? Just a thought as it seems strange to me he has never wanted to have much of an intimate relationship with you, again I apologise if it is nothing like this.


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## rona (Aug 18, 2011)

Nico0laGouldsmith said:


> I've been his mum for 8 years and get very little in return.





Nico0laGouldsmith said:


> He doesn't even call me by my name. Not even a pet name. He talks at me





Nico0laGouldsmith said:


> Sometimes knocking me out of the way if I didn't realise he was going to step there if we have to go in single file to go through a door





Nico0laGouldsmith said:


> he creates mess rather than cleaning it up.





Nico0laGouldsmith said:


> He won't spend time with my family





Nico0laGouldsmith said:


> He asks me if he can stay at home. Then moans if I say I'm going on my own to see them. Ive lost so many friends through cancelling spending time with them because he has complained





Nico0laGouldsmith said:


> He said he doesn't really want to get married and if we do he won't wear a wedding ring





Nico0laGouldsmith said:


> petrol in because he leaves it to go low





Nico0laGouldsmith said:


> He complains so much if a tyre needs air in





Nico0laGouldsmith said:


> every day he sets off earlier or later than me to walk in so we have to walk separately


I'm sorry but this is an abusive relationship. Much the same as my second, it's mental abuse and he's trying to control you


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## Nico0laGouldsmith (Apr 23, 2011)

Hanwombat said:


> I was in the exact same situation earlier this year. Been with my boyfriend for 6 years, never been on holiday, never wanted to do anything, I cooked, cleaned, did all his washing, ironing etc.. I was sick of it!
> 
> Eventually in April I had had enough and told him I wanted to end it! We had two dogs and a cat at the time but I kept them as I paid for them all and did everything with them.
> 
> ...


Nice to hear such a positive outcome!



shadowmare said:


> I turned 26 a couple of months after the break up so I know exactly how that feels haha! I thought my life was planned out and we regularly spoke about a wedding and children (even about their names haha) so becoming single was a real shock to the system... But definitely for the best. My break up was messy because of his cheating so I often wish I had walked away before I got disillusioned...


We do the same. Talk about kids and stuff even though I get the feeling he would put it off forever



chissy 15 said:


> I know what it's like to be in your mid 20s and feel your relationship isn't going anywhere. I moved back in with my mum but didn't have pets to consider and it was nearly 30 years ago. I started dating my now husband a few months after the break up and we have been married 27 years
> 
> I was only 16 when I started going out with my ex and I think you do a lot of growing up through your 20's, what you feel like at 20 isn't necessarily the way you feel at 26.
> 
> You say your relationship isn't physical and that's down to him, I don't want to offend you or anything and apologise if I do,, but is he just using you to do everything for him? Does he have a social life without you, or does he only go out with you? If he does have a social life without you is it possible he could be seeing other people, women? Like having his cake and eating it so to speak? Just a thought as it seems strange to me he has never wanted to have much of an intimate relationship with you, again I apologise if it is nothing like this.


He doesn't go out. At all. Always home playing computer games. I just don't think he even has the drive to do anything with someone else. Nevermind me.



rona said:


> I'm sorry but this is an abusive relationship. Much the same as my second, it's mental abuse and he's trying to control you


Now that you've done that I can actually see what you mean. Breaking it down like that has made me think of I read that from someone else I'd be horrified. Wow.


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## rona (Aug 18, 2011)

Nico0laGouldsmith said:


> Now that you've done that I can actually see what you mean. Breaking it down like that has made me think of I read that from someone else I'd be horrified. Wow.


Everyone thought my abusive OH was nice, he was with everyone else just tried to undermine me all the time. He would even say things that seemed innocent when we were out that when I reacted to them just made me seem the bad one.
Tried to make me feel guilty when I had to have treatment in hospital, made my fathers funeral all about him and tried to separate me from all my friends............................

Okay, tell us all what is good about your OH


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## Little-moomin (Sep 28, 2008)

I'm really sorry to hear this.

Have you spoken to him? Explained you feel there is no excitement, and how you feel you're doing all the cooking, cleaning etc?

Do you feel if those things changed you'd feel more positive or do you feel deep down, as much as you love him as a friend, being together romantically is just not for you?

If you feel that your relationship has come to an end, as horrible and hard as it is, tell him. You both deserve freedom if that's what you want.

I felt a similar way recently re not doing much and always doing cooking and cleaning, spoke to my boyfriend and he's listened and changed.


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## Little-moomin (Sep 28, 2008)

Nico0laGouldsmith said:


> That is exactly what it is. I love him. I'm not in love with him. I've even started noticing other men over this past year which I have never done! Like I normally don't even fancy men on television usually but like men I work with and stuff ive been like omg! How have I never noticed you before! And stuff. Which is crazy.
> My biggest fear is being alone forever. I'm 26 at the weekend and I know that's not old but we've been together since I was in sixth form and I feel like we should be getting married and thinking about kids! Yet I'm wanting to go.
> 
> He knows I'm unhappy at the moment. He knows I hate how little he does to help me and how little we are intimate. He knows I hate how we never do couply things. He earns a good wage well we both do but we don't even go like sit in the park or just spend time together anywhere other than watching tv.
> ...


I hadn't seen this.

If he knows all this and won't change, move on, now. If you love someone, you compromise, you change or try to. I don't mean change for them, but surely if he knows you are unhappy he'd try and make you happy.

You deserve to find someone who will make you happy, make you happy without even trying! xx


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## Amelia66 (Feb 15, 2011)

Nico0laGouldsmith said:


> That's great I'll look into the relate thing. Thank you. X
> 
> I've started looking online but I thought I could just contact an estate agents and just ask for help finding a landlord.
> 
> ...


There is a big difference in nagging/arguments/chats and a sit down serious conversation. A we need to sloe this or i will leave sort of thing. You could also try a temporary break [maybe staying with your parents or friends] to see if a bit of space and perspective can help you.


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## Nico0laGouldsmith (Apr 23, 2011)

rona said:


> Everyone thought my abusive OH was nice, he was with everyone else just tried to undermine me all the time. He would even say things that seemed innocent when we were out that when I reacted to them just made me seem the bad one.
> Tried to make me feel guilty when I had to have treatment in hospital, made my fathers funeral all about him and tried to separate me from all my friends............................
> 
> Okay, tell us all what is good about your OH


I think it's just that I really didn't think of it as abusive because I imagine abusive to seem more purposeful but I can totally see what you mean. even if it's not directly purposeful it is abuse. 
That's awful about everything yours did 

Um good things.
Well we have similar interests like we both like playing games and things on our playstations but it makes me wonder if I actually like playing them or if I started to play them because I had nothing better to do and decided just to join in? I do like them now though.
He's very friendly and nice. He rarely argues with me even when I want him to because I'm so furious I just want to have a good shout.
He accepts my flaws - but saying that ive gradually become a very socially anxious person. 
I really can't think of much more which is really awful. Like it kind of makes me feel bad that I cant.



Little-moomin said:


> I'm really sorry to hear this.
> 
> Have you spoken to him? Explained you feel there is no excitement, and how you feel you're doing all the cooking, cleaning etc?
> 
> ...


I have told him. Lots of times but because I'm back to my usual self the next day he just thinks I'm having a mardy evening and stuff.
Like right now I moaned about the kitchen worktops being covered in his stuff. He actually has just picked some stuff up but left my empty cardboard boxes from the cat food on the side (they're only not in the recycling because the indoor recycling bin was full this morning and I didn't have time to empty it). That's another thing he does which is odd. If there's pots in the sink and I complain about doing them again he will empty the sink and only wash his own pots leaving anything I have used next to the sink to be washed by me. So I would do everything. He just does his own. I have told him time and time again about that and he just still carries on. It's just selfishness....
But yeah I definitely need to have a proper talk with him and tell him that I'm really at breaking point now. Make it obvious I am serious.


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## Nico0laGouldsmith (Apr 23, 2011)

Amelia66 said:


> There is a big difference in nagging/arguments/chats and a sit down serious conversation. A we need to sloe this or i will leave sort of thing. You could also try a temporary break [maybe staying with your parents or friends] to see if a bit of space and perspective can help you.


Yeah I think so too. I was thinking of suggesting a break but I dunno really whether that just makes him think I'm just going to come right back.


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## emmaviolet (Oct 24, 2011)

I have read your posts here and I can only agree with what Rona has said, it sounds somewhat abusive.

He sounds VERY controlling, the not arguing thing is passive aggressive, letting you get worked up so then he can be the calm one in everything, then most likely blame you for everything. I bet he seems charming to other people?

There are some red flags like making you walk in at different times and the only doing his own pots and things.

I would have a read up on passive aggressive behaviours and controlling relationships, sometimes there will be a huge light bulb moment. Do you have someone you can talk to about all of this, a support network. A big thing victims will all say is that they do really love you and care, but at the heart of it is just control on their part.

You really do sound like you want out, if you are not happy then you need to make a change for what you really want. It's easier said then done, bit now you know, he isn't going to suddenly change and do all the things you wish for him to, people don't change like that out of the blue.

I don't know what else to say other then maybe talk to relate or refuge, maybe your GP if he is making you feel stressed or depressed and maybe the CAB or somewhere that could help with your living arrangement.

From what I have seen these situations can escalate too into getting even worse, so take the steps you need. I hope you find what makes you feel happy, I think we all deserve our own happiness and you shouldn't have to put up with not getting it.


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## Nico0laGouldsmith (Apr 23, 2011)

emmaviolet said:


> I have read your posts here and I can only agree with what Rona has said, it sounds somewhat abusive.
> 
> He sounds VERY controlling, the not arguing thing is passive aggressive, letting you get worked up so then he can be the calm one in everything, then most likely blame you for everything. I bet he seems charming to other people?
> 
> ...


Thank you for this.
I've spoken to my brother who was shocked because he comes across so nicely to him. But he said he can't tell me what to do but he can see I'm not happy from what I said. I spoke to my friend about it and she basically said that it sounds like ive made up my mind and I want to go but that I need to consider everything.
I'm going to speak to my dad this weekend. I'll cry. I won't be able to tell him everything because he will get mad at him but my dad is very understanding and he will help me.


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## stuaz (Sep 22, 2012)

As a man myself, when I started reading this thread I thought "why not just talk to him?!"

As I read further, it became apparent that this isn't a relationship. Your living together, but you aren't living together with each other, if that makes sense?

Emotional abuse is the really awful side of domestic abuse (all is bad of course) but broken bones, cuts and scrapes, they heal but the emotional scars, the being told your crap, the belittlering, that takes much longer to heal if it ever does. And it's often not obvious it's happening 

If I was you, I would have a long hard chat with him, lay it all out on the table. But tbh I think I know what the outcome will be.


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## Jesthar (May 16, 2011)

Hmmm... Hate to say it, but it sounds like your OH doesn't want you as a partner so much as a live in carer, cook, cleaner, handywoman and general maid.

For free. So maybe House Slave would be a better description.

You also mention you have become a bit socially anxious gradually over the last few years. I suspect this could at least partly be because if it's him who want to go wherever and you go with him then he largely ignores you for the duration of the trip, and when it's you who wants to go then you either have a choice of him coming along unwillingly and maybe causing you embarrassment somehow, or going without him when he doesn't want you to and the ensuing sulking, snide remarks and small but mean actions that underline his displeasure at any disobedience on your part. Cutting someone off from family and friends is standard tactics for the controlling party in a mentally abusive relationship.

And please don't be afraid or embarrassed to tell your friends the truth. You aren't the first lady to fall victim to someone like this, and sadly you won't be the last


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## MollySmith (May 7, 2012)

I do not feel that a forum that hasn't met you or your partner is able to say if your relationship is abusive or otherwise. Just as many of us say that we're not vets or behaviourists, then neither should you view this forum or anyone on it as a substitute for your thoughts, a good conversation or mediating with a counsellor. 

Relationships go through huge ups and downs. I can't compare what I have now to what I've endured in the past but it's been very hard for me and my OH. I get fed up (we've been together for your entire lifetime OP... god I feel old, anyway...) and we've had a lot of problems that have both made us stronger but pulled us apart not least childloss, childlessness and an age gap. 

What I know is this. Talking is absolutely critical, whether you do that through Relate or try together. Flouncing, sulking, cheating and making judgements via strangers on a forum are not the answers if you want to find a honest outcome. Sorry if that's brutal but it seems to me that sometimes in posting online, people are seeking permission to leave. PF cannot be an honest conversation as we are all strangers.


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## Nico0laGouldsmith (Apr 23, 2011)

stuaz said:


> As a man myself, when I started reading this thread I thought "why not just talk to him?!"
> 
> As I read further, it became apparent that this isn't a relationship. Your living together, but you aren't living together with each other, if that makes sense?
> 
> ...


Very good to have a man's opinion! I think I already know what the outcome will be but its just he fear of being alone really. But I don't want to stay in a relationship that's so hard. I kind of feel like I can't win.



Jesthar said:


> Hmmm... Hate to say it, but it sounds like your OH doesn't want you as a partner so much as a live in carer, cook, cleaner, handywoman and general maid.
> 
> For free. So maybe House Slave would be a better description.
> 
> ...


You've also just reminded me that sometimes when we go to busy shopping places and things together like shopping malls and things he will storm off in front in the crowd leaving me behind or just walk out of shops because he's too hot and leave me there to get what I needed quick. It sounds silly but it makes me so uncomfortable and I tell him that all of the time but he still does it. 
It's just so weird to think of it as mentally abusive and things but seriously if I was reading this thread from the other side I would be thinking those same things but it's just not been clear to me in my own relationship. I always see it as that's just how he is. Even though I hate it and I tell him all the time there's so many things he does and doesn't do that make it so hard.
I also always think that it's normal to have these hard bits in relationships but sitting down and actually thinking about it all makes me realise how weird my whole relationship is. Always has been. Kind of kicking myself because he's never even done the whole trying to impress me or whine and dine me. We kind of fell into a relationship. So I guess that set the bar pretty low and so ive never expected more.


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## Nico0laGouldsmith (Apr 23, 2011)

MollySmith said:


> I do not feel that a forum that hasn't met you or your partner is able to say if your relationship is abusive or otherwise. Just as many of us say that we're not vets or behaviourists, then neither should you view this forum or anyone on it as a substitute for your thoughts, a good conversation or mediating with a counsellor.
> 
> Relationships go through huge ups and downs. I can't compare what I have now to what I've endured in the past but it's been very hard for me and my OH. I get fed up (we've been together for your entire lifetime OP... god I feel old, anyway...) and we've had a lot of problems that have both made us stronger but pulled us apart not least childloss, childlessness and an age gap.
> 
> What I know is this. Talking is absolutely critical, whether you do that through Relate or try together. Flouncing, sulking, cheating and making judgements via strangers on a forum are not the answers if you want to find a honest outcome. Sorry if that's brutal but it seems to me that sometimes in posting online, people are seeking permission to leave. PF cannot be an honest conversation as we are all strangers.


No I totally understand what you mean. I need to suck it up and talk to him properly about it. I've tried so many times. So so many times but he hasn't taken me seriously. Someone said earlier to tell him in advance so he's expecting a long hard talk. Plan the time and just sit and tell each other (hopefully each other anyway!) everything. 
I think the fact that I've turned to this forum for help just kind of shows that I'm past my breaking point really and I just need to say what I need to say and mean it and have him know I mean it. Then if I have to find a new house then I have to find a new house! I just hope to god he doesn't just up and leave and go back to his mum and dads leaving me to deal with this place alone. Can't afford to stay here alone that's for sure (rented)


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## rona (Aug 18, 2011)

Nico0laGouldsmith said:


> Thank you for this.
> I've spoken to my brother who was shocked because he comes across so nicely to him. But he said he can't tell me what to do but he can see I'm not happy from what I said. I spoke to my friend about it and she basically said that it sounds like ive made up my mind and I want to go but that I need to consider everything.
> I'm going to speak to my dad this weekend. I'll cry. I won't be able to tell him everything because he will get mad at him but my dad is very understanding and he will help me.


I'm glad that you have people you can talk to and support you. They will be more use to you than any of us


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## Firedog (Oct 19, 2011)

Totally agree with Rona. This guy has little respect for you and sounds like a millstone around your neck.


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## Lexiedhb (Jun 9, 2011)

ohi should have mentioned my happy ending!! I met my now OH, bought a house, and we are getting married next year. I'm also 38, and wondered if id left it too late tomeet someone, but Imo there is always someone out there for everyone!


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## Nico0laGouldsmith (Apr 23, 2011)

rona said:


> I'm glad that you have people you can talk to and support you. They will be more use to you than any of us


Thanks 
It's just kind of nice to see completely unbiased opinions too though I must admit. Well I guess a little biased because you're only getting my side of the story but so are my friends and family except they know him too.


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## Nico0laGouldsmith (Apr 23, 2011)

Lexiedhb said:


> ohi should have mentioned my happy ending!! I met my now OH, bought a house, and we are getting married next year. I'm also 38, and wondered if id left it too late tomeet someone, but Imo there is always someone out there for everyone!


Yaaaaay!!


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## Firedog (Oct 19, 2011)

Do a for and against list, I bet you the against list will outweigh the other ten to one.

Is there any way he could move out?

I was in a similar situation to you about 16 years ago, except my cats were children. I did virtually everything myself and felt like a single mum, decided there and then that I might as well be one. I used to get up at 5am sort the kids out and get them to school, sort everything else out all day and prepare a meal before going to work at 5.30pm. All he had to do was bath the kids and put them to bed, he would do it and moan like hell when I got home. He wouldn't even get up and make a coffee while I was gone. Without going into too much detail I'd had enough and told him to go, he did but never made it easy for me. Best thing I ever did though. I had to give up work for a bit but I soon found another job and eventually I got married again to a man who is not a total pig.

I wonder if he has got too comfortable in this relationship but doesn't really want it and wants you to finish it so he doesn't look like the bad guy.


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## Nico0laGouldsmith (Apr 23, 2011)

Firedog said:


> Do a for and against list, I bet you the against list will outweigh the other ten to one.
> 
> Is there any way he could move out?
> 
> ...


I will try making a list. That will help me get a clearer picture before I speak to my dad. Luckily my dad is the sensitive one out of my parents and he won't just break his face for making me feel this way or something! Myra very level headed and he will support me whatever happens.
It definitely sounds like you did the right thing in making him leave. Your life could have been horribly different.


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## emmaviolet (Oct 24, 2011)

Nico0laGouldsmith said:


> Thank you for this.
> I've spoken to my brother who was shocked because he comes across so nicely to him. But he said he can't tell me what to do but he can see I'm not happy from what I said. I spoke to my friend about it and she basically said that it sounds like ive made up my mind and I want to go but that I need to consider everything.
> I'm going to speak to my dad this weekend. I'll cry. I won't be able to tell him everything because he will get mad at him but my dad is very understanding and he will help me.


I am really glad to hear you have those people close to you to talk to.

To me it does sound like you have made your mind up and just needed to put it out there for yourself really. Your family sound like a great support and it's great that your Dad will help you too.


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## Colliebarmy (Sep 27, 2012)

Someone please tell my missus how lucky she is.....


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## Nico0laGouldsmith (Apr 23, 2011)

emmaviolet said:


> I am really glad to hear you have those people close to you to talk to.
> 
> To me it does sound like you have made your mind up and just needed to put it out there for yourself really. Your family sound like a great support and it's great that your Dad will help you too.


Yeah is it bad that I'm genuinely concerned that they have bought him his Christmas presents already?!?!?!? Like I'm so stressed about it all I'm worrying about little things like that.



Colliebarmy said:


> Someone please tell my missus how lucky she is.....


Show her this thread! Haha


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## emmaviolet (Oct 24, 2011)

Nico0laGouldsmith said:


> Yeah is it bad that I'm genuinely concerned that they have bought him his Christmas presents already?!?!?!? Like I'm so stressed about it all I'm worrying about little things like that.
> 
> Show her this thread! Haha


I think for you it's a good thing, it's a confirmation you feel that strongly.

Don't worry about things like that, things can be taken back, gifted to someone else or kept.

Is your OH home now with you?


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## Nico0laGouldsmith (Apr 23, 2011)

emmaviolet said:


> I think for you it's a good thing, it's a confirmation you feel that strongly.
> 
> Don't worry about things like that, things can be taken back, gifted to someone else or kept.
> 
> Is your OH home now with you?


He is but he's playing on a game with his friend online with his headset on. I'm just about to do the litter trays before bed hahaha delightful task that I've been putting off since I got home from work!!
He's literally always here. it's my birthday on Saturday and I keep telling him to make sure he doesn't spend much. It's fallen at such a bad time because I really need to speak to my dad before I do it. I feel like I need to make sure I have their full support. But I can't do it over the phone because I'll cry and my dad hates it when I cry on the phone because he feels so helpless. I can't make a special trip between now and my birthday because it's an hours drive and I just really don't have the time before then. Don't really want to discuss it on my actual birthday because assuming we end up going there he will actually be with me. He has band practice with his friends near my parents house (well 20 minutes away) on Sunday's so when he goes for that I usually go to my parents and I think I will do it then. Talk to my dad properly. I'll make sure he hasn't had a drink with his Sunday lunch though (he wouldn't be drunk but I need his full attention!)


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## emmaviolet (Oct 24, 2011)

Nico0laGouldsmith said:


> He is but he's playing on a game with his friend online with his headset on. I'm just about to do the litter trays before bed hahaha delightful task that I've been putting off since I got home from work!!
> He's literally always here. it's my birthday on Saturday and I keep telling him to make sure he doesn't spend much. It's fallen at such a bad time because I really need to speak to my dad before I do it. I feel like I need to make sure I have their full support. But I can't do it over the phone because I'll cry and my dad hates it when I cry on the phone because he feels so helpless. I can't make a special trip between now and my birthday because it's an hours drive and I just really don't have the time before then. Don't really want to discuss it on my actual birthday because assuming we end up going there he will actually be with me. He has band practice with his friends near my parents house (well 20 minutes away) on Sunday's so when he goes for that I usually go to my parents and I think I will do it then. Talk to my dad properly. I'll make sure he hasn't had a drink with his Sunday lunch though (he wouldn't be drunk but I need his full attention!)


Oh I see. Haha, I know the feeling, I usually do the things I hate right away otherwise I just think about them!

Yes, I would talk things over with your family first before you do anything, they seem like really supportive people who care a great deal about you, I am sure they just want you happy. I don't blame you not wanting to do it on your birthday, try to enjoy your day, I am sure it will all work out at the right time, I would just go with your instincts and I am sure you will find the time to chat with them.
I hope things are ok at home for the time-being.


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## Catharinem (Dec 17, 2014)

Sounds like it's only going to end one way to be honest, and you will probably find it hard to stay freinds after all. But then, no way would I put on my freinds like he does you. Sounds more like cosy companionship ( for him anyway) than best freinds as you originally said. But do give him fair warning of a serious talk coming, he seriously needs to pull his socks up, but he may just not know you mean what you say. Hope you find happiness one way or the other, we all deserve it.


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## Rosie64 (Feb 27, 2014)

rona said:


> I'm sorry but this is an abusive relationship. Much the same as my second, it's mental abuse and he's trying to control you


I am sorry but I whole heartedly agree with Rona this is exactly what my 1st husband was like he is controlling you


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## Nico0laGouldsmith (Apr 23, 2011)

emmaviolet said:


> Oh I see. Haha, I know the feeling, I usually do the things I hate right away otherwise I just think about them!
> 
> Yes, I would talk things over with your family first before you do anything, they seem like really supportive people who care a great deal about you, I am sure they just want you happy. I don't blame you not wanting to do it on your birthday, try to enjoy your day, I am sure it will all work out at the right time, I would just go with your instincts and I am sure you will find the time to chat with them.
> I hope things are ok at home for the time-being.


Thank you I'm dreading talking to my family and then him but I've got to do it. Otherwise I'll wake up in another 8 years and still be in the same boat! More than likely still not married, with no kids or anything with how slow our relationship moves...



Catharinem said:


> Sounds like it's only going to end one way to be honest, and you will probably find it hard to stay freinds after all. But then, no way would I put on my freinds like he does you. Sounds more like cosy companionship ( for him anyway) than best freinds as you originally said. But do give him fair warning of a serious talk coming, he seriously needs to pull his socks up, but he may just not know you mean what you say. Hope you find happiness one way or the other, we all deserve it.


Yeah you're right though. I never expect anything like what he expects from me. 
I will give him warning so he knows. 
Last night he actually kind of tidied the kitchen a little bit but that was literally because I sat on the settee texting my friend looking really annoyed and refused to make tea because there was so much stuff on the worktop. He basically moved it all somewhere else though... Then expected praise for doing so!



Rosie64 said:


> I am sorry but I whole heartedly agree with Rona this is exactly what my 1st husband was like he is controlling you


I really don't think he realises he is which is the worst part! He genuinely won't know he's doing it unless i spell it out to him. The fact that I didn't realise until I sat here and put a few examples of the things he does. 
The odd thing is that ive only cried about it a couple of times. Once yesterday morning and once a few days ago. I wasn't even crying because I want to end it. I was crying because I'm so mad at myself for not letting myself realise how unhappy I really am. I used to have a horrible job and I hated it. Now thinking back though yes I hated my job but when I got a much better job I felt so much happier because I wasn't travelling as much and was at home more with the cats.... Not with him. Had more time to keep on top of my housework etc. recently ive been working more hours because my employer needed me to and he promised me he would help with the housework. He hasn't. No matter how many times I've asked him to.


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## Lurcherlad (Jan 5, 2013)

Nico0laGouldsmith said:


> This was really helpful thank you
> I fully understand what you're saying and thank you for all of this. There's many many things that all seem so little when you think about them but when you add them all together it shows an enormous problem of potentially a lack of respect. He has one job and that is to take the bins out. No word of a lie. That is his one job around the house. Once a week he has to physically take the wheelie bin out on to the road. Because I've been covering more hours at work recently it hasn't been done for 2 weeks because I always end up doing it and forgot myself. He isn't a bad guy by any means really he's a really nice man. People at work like him, my parents like him. I understand that he deserves to be with someone who basically worships him but i also feel like I've been his mum for 8 years and get very little in return. I think I deserve at least a little appreciation.
> He doesn't even call me by my name. Not even a pet name. He talks at me. Even in public. If I don't respond he just doesn't ask again. I've tried it to see what he would do. He walks in front of me. Sometimes knocking me out of the way if I didn't realise he was going to step there if we have to go in single file to go through a door. He puts things next to the bin rather than in it. If I went home and took a photo of my house right now I would be ashamed and it's all because I've been too tired and he creates mess rather than cleaning it up.
> I fully understand it isn't meant to be roses and chocolates forever. But a few kind words of appreciation, a little help would go a long way.
> ...


What *are* you getting out of this relationship? Write a simple list of pros and cons - it may be clearer in simple terms and black and white 

No relationship is perfect, but there have to be more positives than negatives to make it seem worthwhile and fulfilling IMO (and I'm not talking about how often a couple have sex btw! )

Would you continue to spend time with a girl friend who made you feel disrespected, undervalued and generally unhappy (if that's how you feel living with your OH)?

Does he want to split up perhaps, but CBA to do anything about it because his life is plodding along quite nicely because he doesn't have to invest emotionally and can pretty much please himself anyway?

Life is short enough - why waste it being unhappy?


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## Nagini (Jan 13, 2014)

Nico0laGouldsmith said:


> *That is exactly what it is. I love him. I'm not in love with him. I've even started noticing other men over this past year which I have never done! Like I normally don't even fancy men on television usually but like men I work with and stuff ive been like omg! How have I never noticed you before! And stuff. Which is crazy.*
> My biggest fear is being alone forever. I'm 26 at the weekend and I know that's not old but we've been together since I was in sixth form and I feel like we should be getting married and thinking about kids! Yet I'm wanting to go.


This stands out to me more than any other post i have read on your thread. I personally could not bare the thought of wasting my time in a relationship with someone i was not in love with. We are only here for a short amount of time, so afraid we have to make the most of it. You are only 26, you still have a lot of living to do, time is precious, i wouldn't waste another second. There is someone out there for everyone, this man isn't the be all and end all of your life, you are unhappy in a relationship that seems filled with emotional abuse. I wouldn't wait a second longer, i would have been gone yesterday.


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## Nico0laGouldsmith (Apr 23, 2011)

Lurcherlad said:


> What *are* you getting out of this relationship? Write a simple list of pros and cons - it may be clearer in simple terms and black and white
> 
> No relationship is perfect, but there have to be more positives than negatives to make it seem worthwhile and fulfilling IMO (and I'm not talking about how often a couple have sex btw! )
> 
> ...


I'm definitely going to sit down and do a pros and cons list. Might do it on my train ride home from my conference today. 
Yeah he's definitely in a state of not being bothered. He's never been bothered about doing anything!! He puts everything off - passport renewal, holidays, babies, wedding etc. probably a good thing he's too lazy to get married I'd be in a much more difficult situation!!



Nagini said:


> This stands out to me more than any other post i have read on your thread. I personally could not bare the thought of wasting my time in a relationship with someone i was not in love with. We are only here for a short amount of time, so afraid we have to make the most of it. You are only 26, you still have a lot of living to do, time is precious, i wouldn't waste another second. There is someone out there for everyone, this man isn't the be all and end all of your life, you are unhappy in a relationship that seems filled with emotional abuse. I wouldn't wait a second longer, i would have been gone yesterday.


Yeah I just can't believe I've only really admitted it to myself. I think that's just because it's an easy life. Yes I hatehow much physical work I have to put into the housework etc and basically looking after him but being financially stable etc. it is an easy life but only if I go along with it. But I also want to actually live my life!
It shouldn't be get up, go to work, come home every day. I know I can't expect trips abroad all the time or meals out every evening but any kind of appreciation would be good.


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## rona (Aug 18, 2011)

Nico0laGouldsmith said:


> any kind of appreciation would be good.


You keep mentioning appreciation, and while it's nice to be recognized for doing something special, in a grown up relationship you shouldn't need appreciation because you will either do things together or you will be in an equal relationship with mutual respect


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## Rosie64 (Feb 27, 2014)

Nico0laGouldsmith said:


> I really don't think he realises he is which is the worst part! He genuinely won't know he's doing it unless i spell it out to him. The fact that I didn't realise until I sat here and put a few examples of the things he does.


Obviously you know your partner, I don't . BUT you have stated you have told him over and over again how you feel so HE KNOWS what he is doing and how it makes you feel, he just wants you there at his beck and call which is why he moans and complains and puts you on a guilt trip when you want to go some where on your own, when he doesn't want to go, he is trying to seperate you from your family and friends so that you are there solely to do for him, HE IS CONTROLLING YOU and he knows exactly what he is doing and he has you making excuses for his behaviour too, as I used to for my 1st husband


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## Jesthar (May 16, 2011)

rona said:


> You keep mentioning appreciation, and while it's nice to be recognized for doing something special, in a grown up relationship you shouldn't need appreciation because you will either do things together or you will be in an equal relationship with mutual respect


I'd have to respectfully disagree with you there, rona. Expressed appreciation is something I would regard as being very important in a healthy relationship.

Of course, we're not talking wining and dining every night and luxury weekend breaks every month, but rather the little things - like simple, genuine thank yous and well dones, coming and doing the wiping up without beng asked, warming your slippers by the fire before you get in on a cold night. Appreciation by thoughtfulness, if you will - the little things which show you really care and often mean a lot more than the big gestures.

As a non-partner example, one of my work colleagues (who is an extremely dedicated and efficient lady with several very responsible roles in the company on her CV) has recently moved under a new manager, and she is really struggling to work with him as (amongst other things) he never gives positive feedback, thank yous or well dones, only corrections and criticisms, and it's really starting to demoralise her. Bearing in mind that for a lot of her time with us she has been renowned for easily coping with some of the most demanding managers going (sometimes more than one at once) but they've always said thank you and well done, it's really been an eye-opener to see how removing those little things can negatively affect someone.


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## rona (Aug 18, 2011)

Jesthar said:


> I'd have to respectfully disagree with you there, rona. Expressed appreciation is something I would regard as being very important in a healthy relationship.


Only if it's freely/genuinely given, not as something to expect or to appease


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## Jesthar (May 16, 2011)

rona said:


> Only if it's freely/genuinely given, not as something to expect or to appease


Well, yes. But if it's not being given at all, which is where the OP finds herself (not to mention that her other half appears to expect to be thanked for rearranging messy pots and pans into a slightly less messy arrangement, etc.), then there's a problem.

Might have mis-interpreted your post, of course, but it did read rather as if you were saying in a mature relationship you shouldn't need to bother to say thank you or otherwise show/express appreciation for what your OH does as your OH should know it anyway


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## Nico0laGouldsmith (Apr 23, 2011)

Rosie64 said:


> Obviously you know your partner, I don't . BUT you have stated you have told him over and over again how you feel so HE KNOWS what he is doing and how it makes you feel, he just wants you there at his beck and call which is why he moans and complains and puts you on a guilt trip when you want to go some where on your own, when he doesn't want to go, he is trying to seperate you from your family and friends so that you are there solely to do for him, HE IS CONTROLLING YOU and he knows exactly what he is doing and he has you making excuses for his behaviour too, as I used to for my 1st husband


That's very true. I was talking to a male work colleague about it because make opinions are always good. He said something about how he should treat me and I found myself starting to defend him and then I noticed what I was doing. Because the guy was right!! Like I treat him really well. I do everything for him, constantly make sure there's nothing else he needs and things. I genuinely do care about him. He does care about me. Like now he's texted me asking me how long until I'm back in my home town because I'm on a train and he wants to make sure im okay. Which is nice. But all the bad things add up don't they....


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## Nico0laGouldsmith (Apr 23, 2011)

rona said:


> Only if it's freely/genuinely given, not as something to expect or to appease


I don't expect it. I really don't after all these years of not getting it. It's not really appreciation I want. I just want him to not take me for granted. My wording was bad.


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## rona (Aug 18, 2011)

Nico0laGouldsmith said:


> I don't expect it. I really don't after all these years of not getting it. It's not really appreciation I want. I just want him to not take me for granted. My wording was bad.


The point I was trying to make was that it shouldn't even come into your mind because it should come naturally



Jesthar said:


> Might have mis-interpreted your post, of course, but it did read rather as if you were saying in a mature relationship you shouldn't need to bother to say thank you or otherwise show/express appreciation for what your OH does as your OH should know it anyway


Saying thank you etc is just common courtesy that you would extend to anyone
I would class showing appreciation as a special thing that you would do for an action that entails more than the basics of living together.


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## feathered bird lover (May 23, 2011)

someone really close to me has taken a job abroad, has been in a relationship for nearly 30 years, had moved into her new flat, has a fulltime job, and after being in her new abode and job for 2 weeks, sent her husband an e-mail, stating she doean't want to be married or have any obligations anymore, she mustv'e been unhappy and not one of us knew. she leaves behind her husband, her son and her daughter, both children are now over 16yrs old. i feel sad as she coulodn't speak to me of it, i wouoldn't have persuaded her to stay if she was unhappy, but i would have given her an ear to listen to her problems. so no matter how long or short the relationship, it's best to get out of it if it isn't working, life's to damn short. seek happiness as much as you can.


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## Catharinem (Dec 17, 2014)

This sympathetic male work colleague - single? Just a thought, my best freind, my "spare" as I called him, was the one I married and had my children with. Not that things are perfect, but we have similar backgrounds, and I knew him as a freind before there was any romance.

He told you how he'd treat you: sympathy or a hint?


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## Nico0laGouldsmith (Apr 23, 2011)

rona said:


> The point I was trying to make was that it shouldn't even come into your mind because it should come naturally
> 
> Saying thank you etc is just common courtesy that you would extend to anyone
> I would class showing appreciation as a special thing that you would do for an action that entails more than the basics of living together.


Yeah that makes sense 



feathered bird lover said:


> someone really close to me has taken a job abroad, has been in a relationship for nearly 30 years, had moved into her new flat, has a fulltime job, and after being in her new abode and job for 2 weeks, sent her husband an e-mail, stating she doean't want to be married or have any obligations anymore, she mustv'e been unhappy and not one of us knew. she leaves behind her husband, her son and her daughter, both children are now over 16yrs old. i feel sad as she coulodn't speak to me of it, i wouoldn't have persuaded her to stay if she was unhappy, but i would have given her an ear to listen to her problems. so no matter how long or short the relationship, it's best to get out of it if it isn't working, life's to damn short. seek happiness as much as you can.


Wow that's awful. But yeah I don't want to get to that point in my life. I'm so scared of change though. So scared of just sucking it up and doing it because I know I'll regret it. Even though I know I shouldn't stay with him there will be evenings when I'm home alone and I will regret it. Just because I'll miss having someone there. Wonder if ive done the right thing in the dark, cold nights but be fine again in the daytime.



Catharinem said:


> This sympathetic male work colleague - single? Just a thought, my best freind, my "spare" as I called him, was the one I married and had my children with. Not that things are perfect, but we have similar backgrounds, and I knew him as a freind before there was any romance.
> 
> He told you how he'd treat you: sympathy or a hint?


Hm he's not single but he empathises because he's having doubts about his relationship too. Which he has actually only told me because I confided in him about my problems. 
He's a very attractive man and buys me coffees and stuff (so I guess that even at work he treats me better than my own partner does....who works there too!) but I definitely wouldn't go down that sort of route right away. Like I would want to have a clean break and not even think about someone else just yet. Mostly so I know I'm doing the right thing but also partly because if he did split up with his partner and I did go for a meal with him or something it would look like I had planned it that way. Like there was someone else etc. especially since we all work at the same place.


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## saffysmum (Feb 11, 2015)

Splitting with my ex-husband nearly 6 years ago, was the best thing that I did tbh. I had been unhappy for a couple of years beforehand, but like you, I didn't have the confidence to walk away. I had never lived on my own before and I also had 2 cats. It was actually him who put an end to the relationship, because he was unhappy too and he moved out to live in a friend's basement flat. We had been together for 15 years.
It wasn't until the end of the relationship that I started looking at the positives and negatives of the relationship and like you, I hadn't realised that I had settled into a habit of letting him dictate where we went and what we did. I guess that this was a bit my fault because I hadn't 'found me' before we moved across the country together and let him mould me a bit into what I thought I should be. 

I started looking for places to rent back home in Norfolk, near my family, but it was a bit of a challenge trying to house hunt 180 miles from where I lived. Thankfully, my uncle is a financial whizz, so he helped me to understand my finances and what I would be able to afford, rent and bill wise.

I was on my own with the cats for just over 2 years and it was the best thing that I ever did. It taught me that I can cope with pretty much anything that life throws at me and while it may not always be easy, I can manage. I am now so much more confident in my abilities, I have married again and am braver all around (I think)

From what I have read so far in this thread, it sounds like a very one sided, toxic relationship. Is it your partner who has made you feel that you can't manage without him, or is it just your desire not to upset people that keeps you there? It sounds like you have already made your decision, but it's a very difficult thing to actually walk away. This I can totally understand and empathise with. 8 years ago, that was me. I so hope that you can come to a resolution with this Nicola ((((((hugs)))))))


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## Nico0laGouldsmith (Apr 23, 2011)

saffysmum said:


> Splitting with my ex-husband nearly 6 years ago, was the best thing that I did tbh. I had been unhappy for a couple of years beforehand, but like you, I didn't have the confidence to walk away. I had never lived on my own before and I also had 2 cats. It was actually him who put an end to the relationship, because he was unhappy too and he moved out to live in a friend's basement flat. We had been together for 15 years.
> It wasn't until the end of the relationship that I started looking at the positives and negatives of the relationship and like you, I hadn't realised that I had settled into a habit of letting him dictate where we went and what we did. I guess that this was a bit my fault because I hadn't 'found me' before we moved across the country together and let him mould me a bit into what I thought I should be.
> 
> I started looking for places to rent back home in Norfolk, near my family, but it was a bit of a challenge trying to house hunt 180 miles from where I lived. Thankfully, my uncle is a financial whizz, so he helped me to understand my finances and what I would be able to afford, rent and bill wise.
> ...


This was really helpful. Thank you. 
I think it's a bit of both. He has made me feel like I need him. Like until recently I couldn't even order a coffee on my own or go shopping on my own without feeling uncomfortable. I definitely don't want to upset anyone. I feel like I'll ruin his life. For now. I know it will get better but for the time being that's what I feel like it will do to him. He's not a bad guy he just doesn't realise. He doesnt even realise when I tell him there's a problem. He's also the kind of person that chucks money at things. Like its my birthday on Saturday. I asked him to not spend much. Mostly because I know I will be having this talk soon. He came home from shopping and said he'd done very well and he thinks I will be very happy. I constantly say I don't want money spending etc but he seems to think that's how you make people happy. Just buy them stuff.


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## Catharinem (Dec 17, 2014)

Nico0laGouldsmith said:


> This was really helpful. Thank you.
> I think it's a bit of both. He has made me feel like I need him. Like until recently I couldn't even order a coffee on my own or go shopping on my own without feeling uncomfortable. I definitely don't want to upset anyone. I feel like I'll ruin his life. For now. I know it will get better but for the time being that's what I feel like it will do to him. He's not a bad guy he just doesn't realise. He doesnt even realise when I tell him there's a problem. He's also the kind of person that chucks money at things. Like its my birthday on Saturday. I asked him to not spend much. Mostly because I know I will be having this talk soon. He came home from shopping and said he'd done very well and he thinks I will be very happy. I constantly say I don't want money spending etc but he seems to think that's how you make people happy. Just buy them stuff.


Not everyone is in the position of chucking money at stuff, but if he is, maybe a little talk about how it's no good you being knackered and unhappy all the time if a little help around the house would give you more time to relax in the time you have together. If he isn't good at cleaning up, you doing it all is causing problems, but he's in the lucky position of having spare cash, maybe a helping hand from a cleaner would work? You'd be less resentful, and he might appreciate the value of what you have until now done by yourself ( on top of your own job).


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## saffysmum (Feb 11, 2015)

In the last couple of years of our relationship, I was very reluctant to let my ex spend money on me for birthdays and christmas, because in my head, I didn't deserve to have things bought for me. I felt horrible for not loving him and felt uncomfortable accepting gifts. I always asked for charity things, like buying a goat for a family in Africa, or books for a school, from Oxfam, or a couple of years, he 'bought' me a donkey from the Donkey Sanctuary in Devon. That way, he could spend money on gifts, but I felt better knowing that people who really deserved it, got something useful. As he earned more than me in the early part of the relationship, he did always pay for things and even if I offered, he made me feel that I couldn't afford it. As a consequence, I felt quite frustrated and he did change when I told him how it made me feel and let me pay more for things. Even when I qualified as a nurse and my salary jumped to a decent level, I still worried about whether I could afford stuff, because he'd put me in that mindset. As I said, my uncle helped massively and gave me confidence that I was financially independent. Both of us had moved in together straight from living with parents, so it was a steep learning curve for us both..

It was only in the first year after we split and speaking with friends about it all, I actually realised how subtly I was being controlled and how I just went along with stuff for a quiet life. Looking back, the thing that was a turning point, was when I qualified and he realised that I would now be more independent of him, if he let me, as I was earning more money. I do feel that that was the point that the relationship started to slowly move toward it's conclusion. It still took 5 years to end though.

Since then, I have learned to live independently, rent and homeowner, got a mortgage, moved across the country and lived away from family on my own for 6 months. During that time, I rented out my house, so I've been a landlord too, sold a house, found a new man, remarried and we now jointly own his house outright as we paid off his mortgage with the proceeds of selling my house! I've done more in the past 6 years, than I ever did in the preceding 37...!


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## Nico0laGouldsmith (Apr 23, 2011)

saffysmum said:


> In the last couple of years of our relationship, I was very reluctant to let my ex spend money on me for birthdays and christmas, because in my head, I didn't deserve to have things bought for me. I felt horrible for not loving him and felt uncomfortable accepting gifts. I always asked for charity things, like buying a goat for a family in Africa, or books for a school, from Oxfam, or a couple of years, he 'bought' me a donkey from the Donkey Sanctuary in Devon. That way, he could spend money on gifts, but I felt better knowing that people who really deserved it, got something useful. As he earned more than me in the early part of the relationship, he did always pay for things and even if I offered, he made me feel that I couldn't afford it. As a consequence, I felt quite frustrated and he did change when I told him how it made me feel and let me pay more for things. Even when I qualified as a nurse and my salary jumped to a decent level, I still worried about whether I could afford stuff, because he'd put me in that mindset. As I said, my uncle helped massively and gave me confidence that I was financially independent. Both of us had moved in together straight from living with parents, so it was a steep learning curve for us both..
> 
> It was only in the first year after we split and speaking with friends about it all, I actually realised how subtly I was being controlled and how I just went along with stuff for a quiet life. Looking back, the thing that was a turning point, was when I qualified and he realised that I would now be more independent of him, if he let me, as I was earning more money. I do feel that that was the point that the relationship started to slowly move toward it's conclusion. It still took 5 years to end though.
> 
> Since then, I have learned to live independently, rent and homeowner, got a mortgage, moved across the country and lived away from family on my own for 6 months. During that time, I rented out my house, so I've been a landlord too, sold a house, found a new man, remarried and we now jointly own his house outright as we paid off his mortgage with the proceeds of selling my house! I've done more in the past 6 years, than I ever did in the preceding 37...!


This is massively helpful because of so many similarities. 
I will speak to my dad. Have a heart to heart. I know they will support me no matter what but it's so hard after so long. They really like him too because they obviously don't have to live with him.


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## saffysmum (Feb 11, 2015)

Nico0laGouldsmith said:


> This is massively helpful because of so many similarities.
> I will speak to my dad. Have a heart to heart. I know they will support me no matter what but it's so hard after so long. They really like him too because they obviously don't have to live with him.


I'm glad I can be of help  Be brave and whatever will be, will be. As a friend of mine liked to say...'put those positive pants on girl!'


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## Nico0laGouldsmith (Apr 23, 2011)

I t


saffysmum said:


> I'm glad I can be of help  Be brave and whatever will be, will be. As a friend of mine liked to say...'put those positive pants on girl!'


i think I'll have to  
Thank you to everyone for your support and opinions  . I will definitely let you all know what's happened when it does.


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## Jesthar (May 16, 2011)

I discovered this phrase this year:










I try and keep it in mind, as I have a tendency to be a bit of an Eeyore if I don't!


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## Nico0laGouldsmith (Apr 23, 2011)

Jesthar said:


> I discovered this phrase this year:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


This is great thanks


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## 2Cats2Dogs (Oct 30, 2012)

I was in a similar situation last year. Me and my girlfriend had been together 10 years and the relationship wasn't progressing or moving forward. Hadn't had a holiday together despite her going on numerous ones with her friends and she never wanted to do things together. We had animals and I toyed with the idea of breaking up and kept guilt tripping myself. Spoke to my family and eventually I summoned the courage to end the relationship. It was tough. Tears and anger followed. It really did feel being back at square one. My life felt so empty. I eventually begun re-connecting with friends and family that I had neglected. I realised I wasn't so alone. For 6 months I was rebuilding my self-esteem. 

January this year I made a list. To meet a lovely girl, have a holiday, get a new job and lose weight. I am glad to say I have done all 4. Met my new girlfriend early this year and it has been fantastic. A real life saver and changer. Got a new job which has made the world of difference all round. We recently came back from Rome which was amazing and I lost a stone in weight.

It was a case of 1 step back and 2 steps forward. I wish you all the best in your journey ahead. Things will get better


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## Muttly (Oct 1, 2014)

Just remember, the grass isn't always greener, in fact is rarely is. Part of being an adult is talking and working out your issues and if this has been exhausted and nothing changes, then time to ask why. Do neither or one of you just not care enough?

I'm not gonna lie, there are several stresses and bad points in my situation now, but when I think of the ex I left and what would I be doing if I had never left, it shocks me back to "I'm so glad I left" There are parts to my life now I wish there weren't and things about my OH I don't like and annoy me, but his good points are really one of a kind, I would never find a more selfless person in some ways. He actually would die for me. But some days I wanna kill him lol.
There are some major points that I kinda regret and feel trapped by, but they won't be there forever.

A break is good, it can make you miss them or love the freedom. Can be a decider.


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## Catharinem (Dec 17, 2014)

Muttly said:


> He actually would die for me. But some days I wanna kill him lol.


That's what I call " a win win situation "!


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## Muttly (Oct 1, 2014)

Catharinem said:


> That's what I call " a win win situation "!


:Hilarious


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## Nico0laGouldsmith (Apr 23, 2011)

2Cats2Dogs said:


> I was in a similar situation last year. Me and my girlfriend had been together 10 years and the relationship wasn't progressing or moving forward. Hadn't had a holiday together despite her going on numerous ones with her friends and she never wanted to do things together. We had animals and I toyed with the idea of breaking up and kept guilt tripping myself. Spoke to my family and eventually I summoned the courage to end the relationship. It was tough. Tears and anger followed. It really did feel being back at square one. My life felt so empty. I eventually begun re-connecting with friends and family that I had neglected. I realised I wasn't so alone. For 6 months I was rebuilding my self-esteem.
> 
> January this year I made a list. To meet a lovely girl, have a holiday, get a new job and lose weight. I am glad to say I have done all 4. Met my new girlfriend early this year and it has been fantastic. A real life saver and changer. Got a new job which has made the world of difference all round. We recently came back from Rome which was amazing and I lost a stone in weight.
> 
> It was a case of 1 step back and 2 steps forward. I wish you all the best in your journey ahead. Things will get better


This is inspiring 



Muttly said:


> Just remember, the grass isn't always greener, in fact is rarely is. Part of being an adult is talking and working out your issues and if this has been exhausted and nothing changes, then time to ask why. Do neither or one of you just not care enough?
> 
> I'm not gonna lie, there are several stresses and bad points in my situation now, but when I think of the ex I left and what would I be doing if I had never left, it shocks me back to "I'm so glad I left" There are parts to my life now I wish there weren't and things about my OH I don't like and annoy me, but his good points are really one of a kind, I would never find a more selfless person in some ways. He actually would die for me. But some days I wanna kill him lol.
> There are some major points that I kinda regret and feel trapped by, but they won't be there forever.
> ...


I understand that but it's him that doesn't care enough I think. He takes me for granted so much. We are intimate about 3 times a year... That's if I keep trying. I know that's not all relationships are about but I'm 26 today and I want to have kids soon. If he isnt interested for pleasure it seems like a massive effort for him to do it to make kids one day.
He knows I'm unhappy. I've been asking him to renew his passport for years so I could book us a holiday. He still hasn't. 
I spoke to someone yesterday and she said she split up with her partner. Moved apart and then 6 months later they got back together because it scared him so much he started to show her how much he loved her. Started doing things for her and trying to help her in life.


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## Amelia66 (Feb 15, 2011)

Nico0laGouldsmith said:


> This is inspiring
> 
> I understand that but it's him that doesn't care enough I think. He takes me for granted so much. We are intimate about 3 times a year... That's if I keep trying. I know that's not all relationships are about but I'm 26 today and I want to have kids soon. If he isnt interested for pleasure it seems like a massive effort for him to do it to make kids one day.
> He knows I'm unhappy. I've been asking him to renew his passport for years so I could book us a holiday. He still hasn't.
> I spoke to someone yesterday and she said she split up with her partner. *Moved apart and then 6 months later they got back together because it scared him so much he started to show her how much he loved her. Started doing things for her and trying to help her in life*.


I wouldn't count on this. Im sure there was alot more behind it and this is a very unlikely outcome.


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## lisa0307 (Aug 25, 2009)

Nico0laGouldsmith said:


> I'm 26 at the weekend


Happy Birthday for this weekend x
Am I correct in thinking you're a Sagittarian?
Is your OH an Aries or a Taurus by any chance?


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## Catharinem (Dec 17, 2014)

Nico0laGouldsmith said:


> This is inspiring
> 
> I understand that but it's him that doesn't care enough I think. He takes me for granted so much. We are intimate about 3 times a year... That's if I keep trying. I know that's not all relationships are about but I'm 26 today and I want to have kids soon. If he isnt interested for pleasure it seems like a massive effort for him to do it to make kids one day.
> He knows I'm unhappy. I've been asking him to renew his passport for years so I could book us a holiday. He still hasn't.
> I spoke to someone yesterday and she said she split up with her partner. Moved apart and then 6 months later they got back together because it scared him so much he started to show her how much he loved her. Started doing things for her and trying to help her in life.


Had this situation with a freind. Partner seemed nice, but whenever I went over with kids he would look up from sofa and say hello, but was my freind who was out in the garden playing with the kids, cooking their tea, fetching drinks etc. When they split up I was sympathetic with asking if anyway I could help, but was careful not to say " I never liked him" Because I did actually like him as a person, just didn't like seeing her trying to be supermum on her own. They split up, few months later they're back together and he's really helping out. And we're still freinds. If I'd said " I never liked him" and then they'd got back together it would have been very awkward. So if people reading this know this sort of situation in not "real life", as Lostbear pointed out PF are real people too, maybe non virtual would be better phrasing?, then offer sympathy, a shoulder, a cup of tea, take the kids out for an afternoon etc, but don't verbally attack the ex.


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## saffysmum (Feb 11, 2015)

Nico0laGouldsmith said:


> This is inspiring
> 
> I understand that but it's him that doesn't care enough I think. He takes me for granted so much.....
> 
> He knows I'm unhappy. I've been asking him to renew his passport for years so I could book us a holiday. He still hasn't..


These two bits leapt out at me. You have to ask yourself if you really want to have children with a man who takes you for granted and also disregards your feelings and opinions so much... :Bored


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## 2Hounds (Jun 24, 2009)

Weirdly what stuck in my mind was him only doing his own pots & leaving OP's, which seems more housemate or maybe stroppy teenager still living with parents. I find it rather disturbing how he treats you in public & generally just such seems a lack of respect & care for someone.

It was only when i broke up with an ex that i realised just how much crap i had accepted during the relationship as just becomes the normal and don't always notice the gradual erosion of your esteem & individuality. Hope you manage to have good birthday and its great that you've supportive parents to help you whatever you decide to do.


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## Nico0laGouldsmith (Apr 23, 2011)

Amelia66 said:


> I wouldn't count on this. Im sure there was alot more behind it and this is a very unlikely outcome.


I think I'm kind of past this point anyway. I think if I tried to make it work right it would go to rubbish again anyway and I might feel like I've missed my chance.



lisa0307 said:


> Happy Birthday for this weekend x
> Am I correct in thinking you're a Sagittarian?
> Is your OH an Aries or a Taurus by any chance?


Thank you  
I am a Sagittarian. He is a Scorpio. I don't know much about star signs to be honest


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## lisa0307 (Aug 25, 2009)

Nico0laGouldsmith said:


> I am a Sagittarian. He is a Scorpio.


There's a bloke that works with my OH and he's a Scorpio...has lived with his girlfriend for a good few years and everyone that meets them says either, "he treats her like his Mother, "he only lets her live there because its cheaper than paying a dog sitter", "she loves him more than he loves her". .
He has no interest in marrying the girl...she cooks, cleans, dog sits, shops etc while he works every hour he can just so he doesn't have to go home...spends any spare time taking his dog out.
Ok, on the plus side he pays all the bills but will only buy presents for her if it's things she's specifically asked for..he's not tight but won't buy surprise gifts...if they go out, which isn't often, it's usually down the local pub.
She stays because I guess she thinks he'll change or she can change him but it's sad to think anyone can waste their life hoping things will get better.


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## Nico0laGouldsmith (Apr 23, 2011)

lisa0307 said:


> There's a bloke that works with my OH and he's a Scorpio...has lived with his girlfriend for a good few years and everyone that meets them says either, "he treats her like his Mother, "he only lets her live there because its cheaper than paying a dog sitter", "she loves him more than he loves her". .
> He has no interest in marrying the girl...she cooks, cleans, dog sits, shops etc while he works every hour he can just so he doesn't have to go home...spends any spare time taking his dog out.
> Ok, on the plus side he pays all the bills but will only buy presents for her if it's things she's specifically asked for..he's not tight but won't buy surprise gifts...if they go out, which isn't often, it's usually down the local pub.
> She stays because I guess she thinks he'll change or she can change him but it's sad to think anyone can waste their life hoping things will get better.


That sounds exactly like him! he does spend money on me however it is only on things that I specifically want. He would never go out and buy me flowers or something (obviously I don't expect that really but once in a while would be nice. I buy him random little presents every so often). Yesterday for my birthday he took me shopping and bought me a pair of boots and a handbag because he wanted me to pick them. 
He also seems to think that having nice things will just make me happy. It does for a short while but deep down it doesnt. I'd have rather spent the day at home together and then gone for a meal or something. I don't want to sound ungrateful because the gifts he got me to pick were extremely generous and that's obviously just his way but like before and after we went out he was just playing on a game. He just thinks he doesn't need to spend time with me as long as he buys me things.
It's also just added more guilt because now I'm putting off telling him how I feel because I feel so bad that he bought me things for my birthday...
Tonight we might be going out for a meal but only because he fixed one of my friend's parents' computer. So they gave us a voucher for a restaurant near us and we need to use it soon. He would never normally want to go even though he doesn't mind spending money. I'm also filled with anxiety because on the odd occasion when we do do something like this (probably could count on my hand how many times since we have been together) he makes me do all the talking! So I have to talk to the waiter and things. I don't mind but because we don't go places often I worry I will say something stupid haha 
He's not even a shy person he is a singer in a band.


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## LinznMilly (Jun 24, 2011)

OP; one thing I keep seeing in your posts, is how you feel guilty knowing what you're about to do while he spends money on expensive presents for birthdays.

I'm not going to tell you whether you should stay or go, and plenty of people have spelled out for you that this is a toxic or abusive relationship.

What I will say is, don't put off this talk just because it was your birthday this weekend. Don't let feelings of guilt put off the talk, if that's what you need to do. I'll tell you why:

Trying not to go into too much detail on a public forum, but my dad had an issue with my SIL. Every time I went to visit him, I got the same story, the same moan. And every time he would tell me "don't say anything to J and C because they have enough on their plates atm". Well, they have! SIL has just gone through chemo and about to start radiotherapy. But, my dad was becoming more and more bitter, and while I was gagged, he wasn't saying anything to her either!

So after getting the same bitter resentment on Wednesday from my dad, I went round on Thursday and told my SIL how dad felt. We collectively me, bro, SIL, went round last night and talked about it.

My dad now says he's happy that they've had that talk, and that it was always going to happen, but "when you get through chemo", "when you're through radio.." Then it'll have been my niece's birthday, then my nephew's, then Easter, my youngest niece's first birthday, Father's Day, J's ... 

In other words there was never going to be a good time to have the talk and that's true for you. There's always going to be something that could "get in the way" - if you let it. Meanwhile, you're still feeling like you do, he's not changing his ways, and the resentment will only continue to build.


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## Nico0laGouldsmith (Apr 23, 2011)

LinznMilly said:


> OP; one thing I keep seeing in your posts, is how you feel guilty knowing what you're about to do while he spends money on expensive presents for birthdays.
> 
> I'm not going to tell you whether you should stay or go, and plenty of people have spelled out for you that this is a toxic or abusive relationship.
> 
> ...


Thank you for this. It puts things into perspective for sure. I guess it will be Christmas, then New Years, then Valentine's Day etc. 
my only concern now really is that finding somewhere to live before Christmas is really going to be difficult in such a rush. Just because I don't want to be saying I'm going to leave and then not leaving and staying here because that just makes this time like all the other times when I have "moaned" that I'm not happy. I need to prove my point by actually going or at the very least saying I have a move in date for somewhere else/have viewed another place. 
It's just so messy. Like we have so many shared things. Large appliances etc. I know so many people go through this but it's working out what I'm going to do. I know he wouldn't want to stay in this house on his own either. Luckily the contract is now rolling month by month for us to give notice so we could give a months notice on here and I'm not leaving him stuck. It's just so frustrating because I teally care about him. I really really don't want to see him hurt. Sometimes I even wish he would cheat on me and fall in love with her. I wouldn't make him feel like the bad guy. I'd be happy that I was leaving him in a happy place.


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## lisa0307 (Aug 25, 2009)

Nico0laGouldsmith said:


> Thank you for this. It puts things into perspective for sure. I guess it will be Christmas, then New Years, then Valentine's Day etc.
> my only concern now really is that finding somewhere to live before Christmas is really going to be difficult in such a rush. Just because I don't want to be saying I'm going to leave and then not leaving and staying here because that just makes this time like all the other times when I have "moaned" that I'm not happy. I need to prove my point by actually going or at the very least saying I have a move in date for somewhere else/have viewed another place.
> It's just so messy. Like we have so many shared things. Large appliances etc. I know so many people go through this but it's working out what I'm going to do. I know he wouldn't want to stay in this house on his own either. Luckily the contract is now rolling month by month for us to give notice so we could give a months notice on here and I'm not leaving him stuck. It's just so frustrating because I teally care about him. I really really don't want to see him hurt. Sometimes I even wish he would cheat on me and fall in love with her. I wouldn't make him feel like the bad guy. I'd be happy that I was leaving him in a happy place.


Don't take this the wrong way but your posts are all about making his life better...WHAT ABOUT YOU?
Don't you deserve happiness?
Sounds like his life with you so far has been great and you're continuing to wrap him in cotton wool...think of yourself and what's best for you for once.x


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## LinznMilly (Jun 24, 2011)

Nothing to stop you from looking, though.  Even if you don't find somewhere before Christmas, the fact that you're looking might make him realise that you're serious. My parents broke up 6 months before they actually found their own places - and _that_ was in the summer!!


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## saffysmum (Feb 11, 2015)

LinznMilly said:


> OP; one thing I keep seeing in your posts, is how you feel guilty knowing what you're about to do while he spends money on expensive presents for birthdays.
> 
> I'm not going to tell you whether you should stay or go, and plenty of people have spelled out for you that this is a toxic or abusive relationship.
> 
> ...


This...totally. LinznMilly has hit the nail on the head. 
I totally felt the same way as you Nicola. The ex and I split up late November and what with Xmas, New Year etc, I finally moved into a place of my own at the end of February. It was the best thing I ever did! I completely understand how difficult it is to take a first step on an unknown journey, but reading your posts on here, you need to start thinking of yourself. Do you know what was my kick up the bum...? Reading the book 'Burnt Toast' by Teri Hatcher!


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## saffysmum (Feb 11, 2015)

LinznMilly said:


> OP; one thing I keep seeing in your posts, is how you feel guilty knowing what you're about to do while he spends money on expensive presents for birthdays.
> 
> I'm not going to tell you whether you should stay or go, and plenty of people have spelled out for you that this is a toxic or abusive relationship.
> 
> ...


This...totally. LinznMilly has hit the nail on the head. 
I totally felt the same way as you Nicola. The ex and I split up late November and what with Xmas, New Year etc, I finally moved into a place of my own at the end of February. It was the best thing I ever did! I completely understand how difficult it is to take a first step on an unknown journey, but reading your posts on here, you need to start thinking of yourself. Do you know what was my kick up the bum...? Reading the book 'Burnt Toast' by Teri Hatcher!


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## Nico0laGouldsmith (Apr 23, 2011)

lisa0307 said:


> Don't take this the wrong way but your posts are all about making his life better...WHAT ABOUT YOU?
> Don't you deserve happiness?
> Sounds like his life with you so far has been great and you're continuing to wrap him in cotton wool...think of yourself and what's best for you for once.x


You're right. I don't think of myself enough. I think that's how the relationship has lasted so long to be honest.



LinznMilly said:


> Nothing to stop you from looking, though.  Even if you don't find somewhere before Christmas, the fact that you're looking might make him realise that you're serious. My parents broke up 6 months before they actually found their own places - and _that_ was in the summer!!


That's reassuring. I guess I don't have to leave right away. Might need to get a spare bed or a camp bed or something though! We do have a spare room so that's doable.



saffysmum said:


> This...totally. LinznMilly has hit the nail on the head.
> I totally felt the same way as you Nicola. The ex and I split up late November and what with Xmas, New Year etc, I finally moved into a place of my own at the end of February. It was the best thing I ever did! I completely understand how difficult it is to take a first step on an unknown journey, but reading your posts on here, you need to start thinking of yourself. Do you know what was my kick up the bum...? Reading the book 'Burnt Toast' by Teri Hatcher!


This is also reassuring. I will look into that book too


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## lisa0307 (Aug 25, 2009)

I think a lot of times women will try to save a failing relationship whether it's saveable or not, it's just in us to try and that's fair enough...having said that, if a woman has tried and tried and all there appears to be left is a "friends" relationship then there's a chance you will unwittingly turn in to a Mother figure and if he's the type to sit back and go with the flow then you're stuck even more with feelings of guilt and yearning for a life that will make you happy...going around in circles and turning in to his Mother is no good for any relationship x


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## Nico0laGouldsmith (Apr 23, 2011)

lisa0307 said:


> I think a lot of times women will try to save a failing relationship whether it's saveable or not, it's just in us to try and that's fair enough...having said that, if a woman has tried and tried and all there appears to be left is a "friends" relationship then there's a chance you will unwittingly turn in to a Mother figure and if he's the type to sit back and go with the flow then you're stuck even more with feelings of guilt and yearning for a life that will make you happy...going around in circles and turning in to his Mother is no good for any relationship x


I am absolutely definitely the mother figure haha 
Thanks for this  I feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall with him. 
This is the guy that I literally stood in front of trying on bras and he didn't bat an eyelid!!! I know that's not all relationships are about but it would be nice to be acknowledged. I told my married friend and she couldn't believe it.


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## lisa0307 (Aug 25, 2009)

Hope everything is ok. X


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## Nico0laGouldsmith (Apr 23, 2011)

lisa0307 said:


> Hope everything is ok. X


Sorry I've been MIA since! 
Basically not much has changed. I've tried having the talk about 5 times since this thread started and he actually laughs!!! Like he genuinely thinks I'm joking and says I can't afford to live on my own. He has accepted the job miles away which would mean us relocating so this is my actual chance now. So after Christmas I am going to be flat hunting. That guy friend I mentioned before was telling me that he is allowed pets in his flat and that loads of people in the building have dogs and cats so it's not an issue if I can get a flat there. It's £400 a month which I guess is a bit expensive when I consider bills etc on top but it seems doable! So worst comes to the worst if I can get a flat there that would work brilliantly. I just can't believe he won't take me seriously! Like he still talks about us moving closer to his new job etc. Even though I outright say I'm staying. He thinks I'm either being mean or joking.


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## saffysmum (Feb 11, 2015)

He needs the kick up the behind of you actually making plans that don't involve him and seeing it through. He has got himself so comfortable that he no longer feels the need to make an effort.

New Year, new start for the both of you 
((((((Hugs)))))

There is lots of support on here for you and people who do understand what you're going through


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## Nico0laGouldsmith (Apr 23, 2011)

saffysmum said:


> He needs the kick up the behind of you actually making plans that don't involve him and seeing it through. He has got himself so comfortable that he no longer feels the need to make an effort.
> 
> New Year, new start for the both of you
> ((((((Hugs)))))
> ...


Thanks  everyone has been absolutely amazing and I will definitely update again once I've actually managed to make some changes. Very good point about the new year! That will help. Here's me thinking its a rubbish time of year for this type of thing but the new year will help!


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## Lurcherlad (Jan 5, 2013)

An opportunity for a clean break IMO


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## saffysmum (Feb 11, 2015)

I've been thinking about this thread recently, and I wondered if there had been any movement on either side? 
Sorry if that sounds nosy, but your story resonated with me a lot  (((hugs))))


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## lisa0307 (Aug 25, 2009)

saffysmum said:


> I've been thinking about this thread recently, and I wondered if there had been any movement on either side?
> Sorry if that sounds nosy, but your story resonated with me a lot  (((hugs))))


Agreed x


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## Nico0laGouldsmith (Apr 23, 2011)

saffysmum said:


> I've been thinking about this thread recently, and I wondered if there had been any movement on either side?
> Sorry if that sounds nosy, but your story resonated with me a lot  (((hugs))))


Hi thanks for your thoughts 
I've had a few talks with him but he doesn't seem to get it and I really don't want to argue with him. It's like I explain how I am feeling like I want to be alone for a bit and he seems to accept it but then the next day he's talking about us going and looking at a new car for "us" together and things. There has been an enormous bit of progress though. He was looking at rooms to rent where his new job is to avoid the 2hr commute each way. So he was planning on travelling home on a Friday night and going there on a Monday morning. So I'm thinking that is a really good opportunity for me to push it more. Once he's staying there I can say I'm looking for a smaller place of my own.

It sounds really nasty of the surface to wait until he's gone but my brothers girlfriend agreed that it's actually quite a kind way to do it. To kind of show him that he we will be okay without me. Since it doesn't seem to be sinking in when I try to explain it. 
I think it will be easier for me to be blunt about it when he's been gone a few days too. Like obviously I have no intention of texting him and telling him or something I'd probably go see him or let him come see me and explain it then but I do care about him so I need him to know he will be okay.
I think the hardest part l, regardless of everything, is that I know he will feel just like I do that we kind of had our lives set really like we could get married and have kids etc. Now we have to start all over again. It does make me really sad that he has to go through it too.


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## Nico0laGouldsmith (Apr 23, 2011)

If anyone is still following this thread 
I'm posting this from my beautiful new flat with just me and the 3 cats! Left him on the 1st of April (oops didn't mean to do it on April Fools Day!!!) and everything is sorted now. Started seeing someone else but nothing serious yet as he understands and has a bit of a complicated back story himself (may or may not have mentioned him before ) so things are looking up!


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## Lilylass (Sep 13, 2012)

Nico0laGouldsmith said:


> If anyone is still following this thread
> I'm posting this from my beautiful new flat with just me and the 3 cats! Left him on the 1st of April (oops didn't mean to do it on April Fools Day!!!) and everything is sorted now. Started seeing someone else but nothing serious yet as he understands and has a bit of a complicated back story himself (may or may not have mentioned him before ) so things are looking up!


Ohhhhh I'm so happy things have been resolved Nicola  I wondered if you'd ever made the break but I couldn't find the thread (I'm hopeless at that!) I'm sure it was a really difficult time for you but wishing you every happiness in your new place - sure your ex will be much happier in the long run too


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## saffysmum (Feb 11, 2015)

Nico0laGouldsmith said:


> If anyone is still following this thread
> I'm posting this from my beautiful new flat with just me and the 3 cats! Left him on the 1st of April (oops didn't mean to do it on April Fools Day!!!) and everything is sorted now. Started seeing someone else but nothing serious yet as he understands and has a bit of a complicated back story himself (may or may not have mentioned him before ) so things are looking up!


Funnily enough, I was just thinking about you the other day and wondering if it was appropriate to ask for an update 

I'm so glad that you have moved on and are happy. Give yourself time to recover and relax before getting too involved with someone else though. Make time for YOU 

(((((Hugs))))) :Smuggrin xx


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## lisa0307 (Aug 25, 2009)

So pleased x


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## rona (Aug 18, 2011)

So glad it seems to be working out for you


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## Nico0laGouldsmith (Apr 23, 2011)

saffysmum said:


> Funnily enough, I was just thinking about you the other day and wondering if it was appropriate to ask for an update
> 
> I'm so glad that you have moved on and are happy. Give yourself time to recover and relax before getting too involved with someone else though. Make time for YOU
> 
> (((((Hugs))))) :Smuggrin xx


Thanks everyone!!
This is what I'm doing  just recuperating really. I'll be honest it was really really tough in the old house on my own. I cried every single day at least twice even at work in my office with the door shut and it was really hard. Just because after 8 years you really don't expect a relationship to die. I especially used to cry in the mornings when I got out of bed because that was the one time when I was very aware of there being someone there but it wasn't that I missed him specifically it was just I missed being with someone. The new person is definitely helping though because he's giving me things to look forward to and we have agreed to take it super slow but it at least gives me hope that I will be in a happy relationship again one day because I can do it. Now that I have moved I feel loads better. My flat is absolutely beautiful and in a lovely area with a gym close by, a river filled with ducks (and ducklings!) and it's actually really big for a one bedroom for the cats! So I've really landed on my feet I hope!


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## lisa0307 (Aug 25, 2009)

Onwards and upwards....you go girl!!!!


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## Nico0laGouldsmith (Apr 23, 2011)

lisa0307 said:


> Onwards and upwards....you go girl!!!!


thanks Lisa! I'm definitely on my way up


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## ForestWomble (May 2, 2013)

Only just seen this. Well Done for being brave enough to do this.
New home, new start, great opportunities.


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## Firedog (Oct 19, 2011)

Well done and good luck for the future.


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## Kimmikins (Apr 9, 2016)

Just read this from the beginning, and the whole time I was egging you into make the break and start afresh. So pleased to get to this final page and see that you've done it, and that you're life is all the better for it. 

*deep breath* I'm thinking of leaving my boyfriend of nearly 8 years (that was hard to put into black and white!) and your story really struck a chord. He's not lazy or controlling like your ex, but I definitely feel the chemistry has gone and that I'm putting off the inevitable. With 2 dogs and owning a house together it's very complicated and scary to even consider! Hearing how well it all turned out for you has given me hope that if I do decide to end it, it won't be the end of my happiness!


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## Catharinem (Dec 17, 2014)

Kimmikins said:


> Just read this from the beginning, and the whole time I was egging you into make the break and start afresh. So pleased to get to this final page and see that you've done it, and that you're life is all the better for it.
> 
> *deep breath* I'm thinking of leaving my boyfriend of nearly 8 years (that was hard to put into black and white!) and your story really struck a chord. He's not lazy or controlling like your ex, but I definitely feel the chemistry has gone and that I'm putting off the inevitable. With 2 dogs and owning a house together it's very complicated and scary to even consider! Hearing how well it all turned out for you has given me hope that if I do decide to end it, it won't be the end of my happiness!


Do think carefully though. Not lazy or controlling means hard working and considerate. "Chemistry" isn't everything ( take it from someone just gone 17 years married and with 2 school age children).
Love can be passionate, but it can also be gentle, supportive, freindly and good fun. Don't hang on in there because of the practicalities of separating, they can be sorted as Nicola has shown ( well done  ), but don't throw it all away to search for fresh passion - you might get a complete hunk, who in 8 years is a drunk or beating you. If you love your guy, rekindle the spark, if you don't, don't be scared to search again for love. Love, not chemistry, is what to build a relationship on.
Here endeth the lesson! :Bookworm


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## Nico0laGouldsmith (Apr 23, 2011)

Catharinem said:


> Do think carefully though. Not lazy or controlling means hard working and considerate. "Chemistry" isn't everything ( take it from someone just gone 17 years married and with 2 school age children).
> Love can be passionate, but it can also be gentle, supportive, freindly and good fun. Don't hang on in there because of the practicalities of separating, they can be sorted as Nicola has shown ( well done  ), but don't throw it all away to search for fresh passion - you might get a complete hunk, who in 8 years is a drunk or beating you. If you love your guy, rekindle the spark, if you don't, don't be scared to search again for love. Love, not chemistry, is what to build a relationship on.
> Here endeth the lesson! :Bookworm


I totally agree with this!

Make sure you have tried everything before you go. Like I said in my last post it was so hard to start with. Literally I would come home from work to my empty house and cry uncontrollably and have to ring my mum just so I had someone to talk to. Literally stayed on the phone for hours whilst barely even talking some days just so that there was someone there. That's when the doubts creep in and you wonder if you did the right thing. I am 100% sure I have done the right thing now but I wasn't sure until I got into my own place.
You can definitely do it if you really do want to leave! If you really do think there is no hope at all then for your own sanity and future happiness then don't stick around because of financial implications and the logistics of it all but you just have to be sure. I'm glad my story has helped you to think about it and to be honest I do think that with myself after 8 years if I was having doubts then that says a hell of a lot because you wouldn't have doubts about a friend after 8 years... So you probably are right in what you are thinking. It took my months to decide to definitely do it.

Have you spoken to your partner about the chemistry side of it Kimmikins? I had conversations (one sided conversations) with mine for years about our relationship being so platonic and sometimes he would literally take me to bed just because I had complained!

I do believe in fate though and it makes me wonder that I updated this and you saw it now after all this time and have been in a relationship 8 years etc so maybe you were meant to find this post to talk things though!
Xx


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## Kimmikins (Apr 9, 2016)

I hadn't thought of it from that point of view, being meant to see it to sort things out.

It's just something that's been playing on my mind. I saw Relate mentioned a few times so I've started to think about that; we can't have a discussion about it without it ending up in an argument or him saying something unreasonably mean and me storming out. So it may well be a solvable thing, if we can just figure out how to talk about it! Thanks for the kind words, and for not saying something for the sake of it, but meaning what you say and not what you think I want to hear


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## Nico0laGouldsmith (Apr 23, 2011)

Kimmikins said:


> I hadn't thought of it from that point of view, being meant to see it to sort things out.
> 
> It's just something that's been playing on my mind. I saw Relate mentioned a few times so I've started to think about that; we can't have a discussion about it without it ending up in an argument or him saying something unreasonably mean and me storming out. So it may well be a solvable thing, if we can just figure out how to talk about it! Thanks for the kind words, and for not saying something for the sake of it, but meaning what you say and not what you think I want to hear


It does sound like he's being unreasonable by arguing when you try to talk about it really and that's probably an enormous part of the problem. That was a large part of my problem he wouldn't talk and he wouldn't change to want to talk either. Keep me updated with what happens! 
I never argued with mine so perhaps he argues because he is scared that it is the end or maybe he's just an unreasonable person but you'll only find that out if you manage to get him to talk to you. 
You need to find out how he feels about it all

One thing that really did break my heart was when I said to my ex "you can't say you've been happy" and he said "well I was" and seeing him sad absolutely killed me. I did care about him and I really do still but it just wasn't right


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## Muttly (Oct 1, 2014)

Nico0laGouldsmith said:


> If anyone is still following this thread
> I'm posting this from my beautiful new flat with just me and the 3 cats! Left him on the 1st of April (oops didn't mean to do it on April Fools Day!!!) and everything is sorted now. Started seeing someone else but nothing serious yet as he understands and has a bit of a complicated back story himself (may or may not have mentioned him before ) so things are looking up!


Well done for having the courage to leave. I'm so glad you are happy. 

I will say if I ever do leave (which lately has been said more than once), then I am DONE with relationships forever.


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## Nico0laGouldsmith (Apr 23, 2011)

Muttly said:


> Well done for having the courage to leave. I'm so glad you are happy.
> 
> I will say if I ever do leave (which lately has been said more than once), then I am DONE with relationships forever.


Aw no what's going on? Hope you're okay! Relationships probably are more trouble than they're worth but there are nice things! That new guy is coming over tonight to cook for me. In the entire 8 years I was with my ex he never once cooked a meal for me...


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## Hanwombat (Sep 5, 2013)

Well done leaving your ex. Glad you seem happier  Lately I've been thinking I should become a lesbian as men are just liars and morons ! :Shifty


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## Muttly (Oct 1, 2014)

Nico0laGouldsmith said:


> Aw no what's going on? Hope you're okay! Relationships probably are more trouble than they're worth but there are nice things! That new guy is coming over tonight to cook for me. In the entire 8 years I was with my ex he never once cooked a meal for me...


I'm quite an independant person and most seem to want to smother me.


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## Muttly (Oct 1, 2014)

Hanwombat said:


> Well done leaving your ex. Glad you seem happier  Lately I've been thinking I should become a lesbian as men are just liars and morons ! :Shifty


So are woman though!


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## Hanwombat (Sep 5, 2013)

Muttly said:


> So are woman though!


Loneliness it is then  :Sorry *hugs a dog* :Shamefullyembarrased


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## Nico0laGouldsmith (Apr 23, 2011)

Muttly said:


> I'm quite an independant person and most seem to want to smother me.


That's fair enough!!! A lot of people are happy on their own or happy just seeing someone casually and livin separately etc


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## MiffyMoo (Sep 15, 2015)

Hanwombat said:


> Loneliness it is then  :Sorry *hugs a dog* :Shamefullyembarrased


I was speaking to a dog walker the other day who told me I would be single forever as no man would want to take on a woman who has 2 huskies. Something to do with them being too high maintenance and men not liking high maintenance. I told him he was a bit of a d*** and walked off.


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## Nico0laGouldsmith (Apr 23, 2011)

Hanwombat said:


> Loneliness it is then  :Sorry *hugs a dog* :Shamefullyembarrased


Dogs are better than people


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## Nico0laGouldsmith (Apr 23, 2011)

MiffyMoo said:


> I was speaking to a dog walker the other day who told me I would be single forever as no man would want to take on a woman who has 2 huskies. Something to do with them being too high maintenance and men not liking high maintenance. I told him he was a bit of a d*** and walked off.


That would be the wrong man for you if they didn't like your dogs! My new friend wasn't a fan of cats but now he even has a favourite out of my 3!!!


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## MiffyMoo (Sep 15, 2015)

Nico0laGouldsmith said:


> That would be the wrong man for you if they didn't like your dogs! My new friend wasn't a fan of cats but now he even has a favourite out of my 3!!!


It would definitely be a deal breaker


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## Muttly (Oct 1, 2014)

Hanwombat said:


> Loneliness it is then  :Sorry *hugs a dog* :Shamefullyembarrased


Exactly my point :Happy
I will be crazy mutt lady :Shy


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## Nico0laGouldsmith (Apr 23, 2011)

MiffyMoo said:


> It would definitely be a deal breaker


And so it should be!!


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## Muttly (Oct 1, 2014)

MiffyMoo said:


> I was speaking to a dog walker the other day who told me I would be single forever as no man would want to take on a woman who has 2 huskies. Something to do with them being too high maintenance and men not liking high maintenance. I told him he was a bit of a d*** and walked off.


Idiot.


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## cheekyscrip (Feb 8, 2010)

My ex did not understand our dog....did I say...ex?


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## ellenlouisepascoe (Jul 12, 2013)

Catharinem said:


> Do think carefully though. Not lazy or controlling means hard working and considerate. "Chemistry" isn't everything ( take it from someone just gone 17 years married and with 2 school age children).
> Love can be passionate, but it can also be gentle, supportive, freindly and good fun. Don't hang on in there because of the practicalities of separating, they can be sorted as Nicola has shown ( well done  ), but don't throw it all away to search for fresh passion - you might get a complete hunk, who in 8 years is a drunk or beating you. If you love your guy, rekindle the spark, if you don't, don't be scared to search again for love. Love, not chemistry, is what to build a relationship on.
> Here endeth the lesson! :Bookworm


This was lovely to read , me and my other half have been together for 6 years and married for 4. Although that is short term in the scheme of things, our relationship is exactly that. Gentle, supportive, friendly and fun. He's my best friend and we are soul mates / kindred spirits but that doesn't mean we want to suck face 24x7 :Hilarious


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## Nico0laGouldsmith (Apr 23, 2011)

ellenlouisepascoe said:


> This was lovely to read , me and my other half have been together for 6 years and married for 4. Although that is short term in the scheme of things, our relationship is exactly that. Gentle, supportive, friendly and fun. He's my best friend and we are soul mates / kindred spirits but that doesn't mean we want to suck face 24x7 :Hilarious


I think that's why we lasted as long as we did to be honest we absolutely were best friends. But there was nothing else there at all. Like we really cared for each other but there just wasn't a spark anymore and he didn't want to rekindle it so I gave up. We would never have had children or got married as we were. He knew that's what I wanted and he always said he did but he had no drive to follow through on any of it

The main thing is that you're happy


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## JenKyzer (Jun 25, 2013)

Hanwombat said:


> Well done leaving your ex. Glad you seem happier  Lately I've been thinking I should become a lesbian as men are just liars and morons ! :Shifty


Ah, I hope you're ok! From posts I know how happy you were after leaving your ex & starting fresh yourself and then this new guy. Hope it's nothing too serious  X


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## Hanwombat (Sep 5, 2013)

JenSteWillow said:


> Ah, I hope you're ok! From posts I know how happy you were after leaving your ex & starting fresh yourself and then this new guy. Hope it's nothing too serious  X


Thanks - just a hiccup I suppose  x


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## Muttly (Oct 1, 2014)

Nico0laGouldsmith said:


> I think that's why we lasted as long as we did to be honest we absolutely were best friends. But there was nothing else there at all. Like we really cared for each other but there just wasn't a spark anymore and he didn't want to rekindle it so I gave up. We would never have had children or got married as we were. He knew that's what I wanted and he always said he did but he had no drive to follow through on any of it
> 
> The main thing is that you're happy


This was me and my Ex. He was my best friend and in the beginning, there was A LOT of passion, but that faded. We stayed together for 7 years. We had all the same interests and also had separate time. Neither of us wanted kids, both wanted dogs. We were perfect on paper. In reality that part missing ended it.


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## Hanwombat (Sep 5, 2013)

Muttly said:


> This was me and my Ex. He was my best friend and in the beginning, there was A LOT of passion, but that faded. We stayed together for 7 years. We had all the same interests and also had separate time. Neither of us wanted kids, both wanted dogs. We were perfect on paper. In reality that part missing ended it.


I would say my ex whom I broke up with after 6 years.. we were a good match in the way that we had a lot of the same interests and in the beginning it was all very fun etc but then he completely let me down and I stupidly forgave him.. but it still ate away at me for YEARS and eventually I left him.


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## Muttly (Oct 1, 2014)

Hanwombat said:


> I would say my ex whom I broke up with after 6 years.. we were a good match in the way that we had a lot of the same interests and in the beginning it was all very fun etc but then he completely let me down and I stupidly forgave him.. but it still ate away at me for YEARS and eventually I left him.


If anything (and this will sound stupid) my ex was too perfect! He just never did anything to make me mad at him, but almost like he had no passion for anything and I got bored.


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## Hanwombat (Sep 5, 2013)

Muttly said:


> If anything (and this will sound stupid) my ex was too perfect! He just never did anything to make me mad at him, but almost like he had no passion for anything and I got bored.


I was constantly mad at my ex! I never used to have such a short fuse.. but he certainly gave me one


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## Pappychi (Aug 12, 2015)

I had a similar thing. My ex was an angel in the beginning, couldn't wish for a better partner. 

However, when I really needed him he left me for another girl who was 'better looking then ill ever be'. He couldn't deal with me being poorly. He still texts me now and again telling me he loves me (from different numbers because I blocked him) and he will one day try and get back with me. He's gonna marry me etc. 

Now I've had the freedom of being away from his controlling, emotionally abusive ways I don't think I could ever go back there even if I wanted to.


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## Muttly (Oct 1, 2014)

Hanwombat said:


> I was constantly mad at my ex! I never used to have such a short fuse.. but he certainly gave me one


We were polar opposites on that score. I have a very short fuse.


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## Hanwombat (Sep 5, 2013)

Muttly said:


> We were polar opposites on that score. I have a very short fuse.


me too.. whereas my ex didn't.. which was annoying


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## Muttly (Oct 1, 2014)

Hanwombat said:


> me too.. whereas my ex didn't.. which was annoying


This is exactly it and why I wouldn't bother again if me and OH broke up. There is noone else out there for me, because I think I now require too much


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## Hanwombat (Sep 5, 2013)

Muttly said:


> This is exactly it and why I wouldn't bother again if me and OH broke up. There is noone else out there for me, because I think I now require too much


I think we should all become mad dog ladies  far less hassle


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## MiffyMoo (Sep 15, 2015)

Hanwombat said:


> I think we should all become mad dog ladies  far less hassle


I think that ship has already sailed


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## Nico0laGouldsmith (Apr 23, 2011)

Pappychi said:


> I had a similar thing. My ex was an angel in the beginning, couldn't wish for a better partner.
> 
> However, when I really needed him he left me for another girl who was 'better looking then ill ever be'. He couldn't deal with me being poorly. He still texts me now and again telling me he loves me (from different numbers because I blocked him) and he will one day try and get back with me. He's gonna marry me etc.
> 
> Now I've had the freedom of being away from his controlling, emotionally abusive ways I don't think I could ever go back there even if I wanted to.


This is absolutely awful. Never ever get back together with him. He sounds like someone you should never associate with again and I'm glad he left you because he clearly didn't deserve you. I'm also glad he's clearly miserable if he's pestering you


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## Hanwombat (Sep 5, 2013)

Pappychi said:


> I had a similar thing. My ex was an angel in the beginning, couldn't wish for a better partner.
> 
> However, when I really needed him he left me for another girl who was 'better looking then ill ever be'. He couldn't deal with me being poorly. He still texts me now and again telling me he loves me (from different numbers because I blocked him) and he will one day try and get back with me. He's gonna marry me etc.
> 
> Now I've had the freedom of being away from his controlling, emotionally abusive ways I don't think I could ever go back there even if I wanted to.


How awful  What a complete and utter waste of space! Least you can see how pathetic of a man he is and you're a far better person


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## Muttly (Oct 1, 2014)

MiffyMoo said:


> I think that ship has already sailed


:Hilarious True for me!


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## Muttly (Oct 1, 2014)

Pappychi said:


> I had a similar thing. My ex was an angel in the beginning, couldn't wish for a better partner.
> 
> However, when I really needed him he left me for another girl who was 'better looking then ill ever be'. He couldn't deal with me being poorly. He still texts me now and again telling me he loves me (from different numbers because I blocked him) and he will one day try and get back with me. He's gonna marry me etc.
> 
> Now I've had the freedom of being away from his controlling, emotionally abusive ways I don't think I could ever go back there even if I wanted to.


What an idiot!!!
But now you get to feel nice and smug that he wants you and he can't have you.


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## Pappychi (Aug 12, 2015)

@Nico0laGouldsmith @Hanwombat @Muttly

He is a nightmare. Honestly, he's turned up on night outs and followed me round the town, rang me at god know's what time in the morning begging me not to go to Ibiza (whilst he was on his way to see his new gf mind you!), sent me emails saying 'I like your new hair' 'how was your night out?' etc.

Strange. Strange human being.

I think we should make a PF pact. If we all decide to give up men we should buy a house somewhere in the country and just live together with all the dogs etc :Couchpotato


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## Muttly (Oct 1, 2014)

Pappychi said:


> @Nico0laGouldsmith @Hanwombat @Muttly
> 
> He is a nightmare. Honestly, he's turned up on night outs and followed me round the town, rang me at god know's what time in the morning begging me not to go to Ibiza (whilst he was on his way to see his new gf mind you!), sent me emails saying 'I like your new hair' 'how was your night out?' etc.
> 
> ...


I'm in! 

He's obviously still besotted with you!


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## Jesthar (May 16, 2011)

Muttly said:


> I'm in!
> 
> He's obviously still besotted with you!


Nah, he's not besotted. If he were besotted, he wouldn't have left or kept making all thsoe snide comments in the first place. He just wants control!


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## Hanwombat (Sep 5, 2013)

Pappychi said:


> @Nico0laGouldsmith @Hanwombat @Muttly
> 
> He is a nightmare. Honestly, he's turned up on night outs and followed me round the town, rang me at god know's what time in the morning begging me not to go to Ibiza (whilst he was on his way to see his new gf mind you!), sent me emails saying 'I like your new hair' 'how was your night out?' etc.
> 
> ...


Count me in


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## Pappychi (Aug 12, 2015)

Muttly said:


> I'm in!
> 
> He's obviously still besotted with you!





Jesthar said:


> Nah, he's not besotted. If he were besotted, he wouldn't have left or kept making all thsoe snide comments in the first place. He just wants control!


I'm not too fussed what he is to be honest. In the wise words of Rhett Butler 'Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn' :Meh.

He calls me his 'one day girl' and I like to refer to myself as the 'gone girl'. He's nuts, well and truly. He doesn't think like a normal human being at all.

Doesn't matter either way to me. Bear doesn't like him and I trust Bear's taste in people :Finger


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## Muttly (Oct 1, 2014)

Pappychi said:


> I'm not too fussed what he is to be honest. In the wise words of Rhett Butler 'Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn' :Meh.
> 
> He calls me his 'one day girl' and I like to refer to myself as the 'gone girl'. He's nuts, well and truly. He doesn't think like a normal human being at all.
> 
> Doesn't matter either way to me. *Bear doesn't like him and I trust Bear's taste in people* :Finger


Absolutely! I listen to Muttly and my Mum's instinct on people!


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## Pappychi (Aug 12, 2015)

Muttly said:


> Absolutely! I listen to Muttly and my Mum's instinct on people!


It was strange because the ex was here when we picked Bear up from his previous home at four months. The dog adored him. Until his personality changed with me, then the dog would actively get between us and once snarled at him. So strange for Bear to do that, once he is your friend he is a friend for life.


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## Muttly (Oct 1, 2014)

Pappychi said:


> It was strange because the ex was here when we picked Bear up from his previous home at four months. The dog adored him. Until his personality changed with me, then the dog would actively get between us and once snarled at him. So strange for Bear to do that, once he is your friend he is a friend for life.


Brilliant Bear


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