# I'm not coping well



## MyBeanie

Hello

I posted on the cat chat forum yesterday, I had to have my lovely cat Mittens put to sleep yesterday.

She came to us as as stray in the summer and we took her on, not knowing she was pregnant. Although that wouldn't have made a difference. 

She had stopped eating the last couple of days and severely vomiting. The vets thought it was a urinary infection and they would also spay her. I was happy and relieved but got a call saying it was a lot worse and the best option was to let her go.

I can't stop crying and feel despair, I miss her so much. And now I am beating myself up as I never got a chance to say goodbye. I just walked out the vets with barely a glance at her, just feeling happy I would be picking her up later.

I am distraught and I just want her to know how much I love her. We have her four gorgeous kittens to look after, but I want Mittens.

Please help me

Thank you,
Vicky xxx


----------



## lostbear

MyBeanie said:


> Hello
> 
> I posted on the cat chat forum yesterday, I had to have my lovely cat Mittens put to sleep yesterday.
> 
> She came to us as as stray in the summer and we took her on, not knowing she was pregnant. Although that wouldn't have made a difference.
> 
> She had stopped eating the last couple of days and severely vomiting. The vets thought it was a urinary infection and they would also spay her. I was happy and relieved but got a call saying it was a lot worse and the best option was to let her go.
> 
> I can't stop crying and feel despair, I miss her so much. And now I am beating myself up as I never got a chance to say goodbye. I just walked out the vets with barely a glance at her, just feeling happy I would be picking her up later.
> 
> I am distraught and I just want her to know how much I love her. We have her four gorgeous kittens to look after, but I want Mittens.
> 
> Please help me
> 
> Thank you,
> Vicky xxx


Oh, Vicky

i think I replied to your previous thread, where you said how guilty you felt.

It is very hard to lose a much-loved pet, especially when they were young and should have had many years before them. Losing our pet is no different to losing any other member of our family. We think of all of the things we could or should have said and done; all the opportunities we had to tell them we loved them, but missed; all the things that might have made a difference if we'd done them in another way.

But all of us can only do what we think is best at the time. You gave a little stray cat a loving home - with you she had the care and freedom from fear that had been denied to her until you took her in. Without you, her babies would have died - I have no doubt of that, but they are still with you to love and cherish. Your dear little cat is safe with God, free from pain and no longer suffering.

Please give yourself time - bereavement takes a long time to come to terms with. You have had very little time, and everything you look at (including her kittens) will bring back the pain of you loss. Is you OH sympathetic to your distress? Some people are, but others can't see how the grief of losing a pet can be just as great as the grief of losing a person. You may need someone to talk to - the Samaritans can be a lifeline at a time like this. And of course there is this forum. If you need to, don't be afraid to go to your GP for help.

It will not be quick, but you pain will start to lessen, and one day you will realise that you can think of the good things as well. She has trusted you with her babies. I don't know if you will be able to keep them all or not, but they will be a great comfort to you if you are able to let them.

I wish you every blessing, and that you are able to come to terms with your very sad loss.


----------



## lymorelynn

Sending you love and hugs (((xxx))) It's only normal to feel the way you do but please try not to feel guilty that you didn't get to say goodbye  
There are specialist pet bereavement support groups who may be able to help you but you can pour out your heart on here and so many of us will understand the pain you are going through.
Take your time to grieve and don't let anyone tell you 'it was only a cat' or 'you should be over it by now' Even if there is no one else who understands we are here to listen xx
Your post yesterday brought tears to my eyes when you said that you had buried Mittens with a photo of her kittens - I thought that was such a touching thing to do and shows how very much you cared for her in the short time she was with you.
Take care of yourself and those gorgeous babies that Mittens has left in your kind hands.


----------



## Summersky

I am so, so sorry that you had to have dear Mittens put to sleep so unexpectedly. That is an awful shock, and I understand why you now feel so guilty for walking away and leaving her, without saying "goodbye".

But, in a way, that would have been far better for Mittens, because if you had been worried or stressed beforehand, she would have sensed that in you, and it would have made it harder for her. So, without knowing, you helped her in those last moments together in a way you didn't plan.

You are going to miss her badly, and the road of grief is different for everybody. Guilt is normal, as is anger - and it is very early days yet.

But your Mittens won't be far away, so do talk to her. Tell her the things you wished you had said before she was PTS.

Give yourself time to grieve, but please don't feel guilty any more.

When you took her in when she in need, that was a wonderful thing to do. But perhaps she came to you for a reason, and wasn't meant to stay for long.

In return, she has left you a special gift - her kittens.

Mittens will know that she was loved. 

Take care XXX


----------



## Charity

I felt just like you a few weeks ago, Vicky, when I took my beautiful Maisie to the vets thinking she would be coming home later so I just told her she would be OK and left. She then died when she was coming round from the anaesthetic and it still bothers me that she died alone and I never got the chance to be with her or say goodbye. I try hard not to dwell on it otherwise it all wells up and sets me off crying. Although we have a new cat now, I would give anything to have Maisie back. Bereavement and loss take a long time to get over, its all very fresh and raw for you at the moment. Mittens knew that you loved her and she still does. xx


----------



## MyBeanie

Thank you all so much for your replies. Your words help a great deal.

I woke up this morning feeling terrible. I suppose I was expecting to feel slightly better but I felt worse. 

I'm making my son and daughter feel bad too as they keep seeing me cry and I don't want that.

I keep thinking all the negative things about Mittens, the times. I ignored her, or shooed her away when she was after my food. Or accidentally shutting her tail in the door last week and her squealing, not cuddling or kissing her enough, not that she liked to be cuddled much .... and before I left her at the vets, not seeing her body when we buried her. I just kissed the towel she was wrapped in. 

I seem to be punishing self today and I want her to know I miss her so much. I don't want her to be lonely out in the garden. I hope she is happy playing and knowing I will take care of her kittens. Xxx


----------



## Cheryl89

MyBeanie said:


> Thank you all so much for your replies. Your words help a great deal.
> 
> I woke up this morning feeling terrible. I suppose I was expecting to feel slightly better but I felt worse.
> 
> I'm making my son and daughter feel bad too as they keep seeing me cry and I don't want that.
> 
> I keep thinking all the negative things about Mittens, the times. I ignored her, or shooed her away when she was after my food. Or accidentally shutting her tail in the door last week and her squealing, not cuddling or kissing her enough, not that she liked to be cuddled much .... and before I left her at the vets, not seeing her body when we buried her. I just kissed the towel she was wrapped in.
> 
> I seem to be punishing self today and I want her to know I miss her so much. I don't want her to be lonely out in the garden. I hope she is happy playing and knowing I will take care of her kittens. Xxx


This is totally natural hun  Feel very sorry for you x

I felt awfully guilty when I had to put my Bonnie to sleep (my cat) I had him 15 years  He went in the vets to be put under GA for X rays to see why his back and legs were playing up and as he was coming round they said I could come get him and take him home for the night before they gave us the results (me obviously knowing they've found something awful) I brought him home and he was stumbling everywhere and couldnt even go toilet - he was so ill and I even felt bad bringing him home so I rung the vets back after an hour to say he had to come back because he couldn't even stand up.

As soon as I got there she told us that awful news that he was riddled in cancer and the decision was made to let him go... I couldn't even be in the same room. I was terrified/heartbroken/distraugt. Cried my eyes out the whole way home and still to this day feel awful for all the times I shooed him and told him off for being naughty...even dribbling on me  I still can't get over not being in that room with him and that makes me feel like I am an evil person.... but time has gone on and I now realise what I did was the best thing for him. He'd consistently mess himself and wee everywhere and what quality of life would that of been for my gorgeous darling Bonnie? None at all.

I know you miss mittens and it's so raw but no one is more understanding then all of us having been through heartbreak of losing pets before. You're in my heart today and I'll be thinking of you. Time is the greatest healer xxxxxxxxxxxxx


----------



## MyBeanie

Thank you so much for your kind words. I am so sorry that we've all had to suffer losing our beloved furries.

I sometimes think it may be easier not to have any animals as dealing with the heartbreak is unbearable.

I'm trying so hard to think positively but struggling. 

Yes time is the greatest healer, I want it to pass. I always think I can handle losing one of my cats and I've only ever experienced losing them at an old age and Mittens wasn't. Part of me thinks she is the lucky one as right now I wish I was with her.

Thank you all so much again, it really helps to talk here as I know you all understand xxxxxx


----------



## lorilu

She knows. She knows. She Chose you to come to to have her family, and she knew you would care for them. Sounds like she had a very bad pyometra. How is that your fault? You aren't the one who didn't spay her and let her roam. All you did was take her in, love her, and take care of her little family. You are her Angel, and now she is your Angel, and she will be watching out for you forever, while she waits for you at the Bridge. I'm so sorry for your loss of your beloved Mittens. But you did everything right for her and her babies.


----------



## Chillicat

I am so sorry you are going through this pain. We had our beloved Chilli PTS last Saturday and I feel guilty for not allowing Oakley to say goodbye (even though he appeared to sense she was not well) mainly because I didn't want to believe she wouldn't be coming home. Chilli's was very sudden and the shock was unbelievable.
We stayed with her which I really didn't think I was going to be able to and whilst I don't regret being with her, I still have that last image of her whenever I close my eyes and I came across a photo of her sleeping in the same position and it broke my heart all over again.
It is very hard and everywhere we look we see her and I haven't been able to hoover the arm of the sofa where she often settled, but I do know that we gave her a fantastic life and she was deeply loved which it sounds exactly like the life you gave Mittens.
So please try not to feel guilty as she knows that you loved her.


----------



## MyBeanie

Thank you all again and I'm really sorry to hear if your losses too. This forum is such a great comfort to me. Sometimes I will just come here and read and feel like I'm with friends.

I find the mornings hard. I hate waking up and Mittens not being around and knowing I have a full day ahead of me. My husband is understanding but he doesn't have the great love of animals I have and doesn't feel the same.

I think we will be keeping all the kittens. I can't bear to part with them knowing part of Mittens is in each one. They are a comfort and I tell them that I miss their mummy. We have named one of them Mitzy after her, the one most like her.

I still feel guilty and keep thinking about the last moments but trying hard to distract myself when those thoughts come. 

I really hope she thought I was a good owner, I just think I could have done that bit more though to have been a better one.

Hugs to you all xxxxx


----------



## Roger Downes

You have my deepest sympathies for losing your pet. It goes to show how much you loved Mittens by how much you are missing her. Don't beat yourself up about not saying good bye to her at the vet, you wasn't to know. And although they will never replace Mittens, you have four of her kittens to look after, so enjoy seeing these grow up, im sure Mittens would of wanted that.


----------



## moggiemum

i liked your post for the part that you said you wanted to keep all the kitts, thats so lovely even if you dont the sentiment was there and its obvious you want nothing but the best for them, they will bring you joy and love in return for the courageous love you ve shown them and their mum, you are doing great and you wouldnt be human if you didnt cry, let the kids see you cry they will understand and help you through this as well, im not very experienced but if you need any help and advice dont be scared to shout ,there are lots of lovely experienced people on here, take care and best wishes x
r.i.p. Mittens x


----------



## Summersky

Whatever you decide to do with her kittens, YOU helped give them a good start to life, by taking her in. They will in time be a comfort to you.

I understand how hard the mornings are - having to go through the fresh realisation of what happpened after the respite of sleep, and wishing it had only been a bad dream.

I promise you that things will get easier, and you will get through - and you will be able to look back and smile at those precious memories you have of little Mitttens. Not today. Not tomorrow. But it will happen. (don't feel guilty at smiling, or feeling happy - you will be honouring her memory).

And at some point in the future, you will use those experiences, awful though they were, to help someone else in need - again in Mitten's memory.

Take care, and come back on here to talk anytime you want.


----------



## MyBeanie

Thank you so much. This forum has been a lifeline, I keep coming back to read when feeling low which is often.

I've been doing a little better, trouble is when I think I'm doing ok I will start to get flashbacks of her last night when she was sick and then at the vets. I can't talk about it and I can't look at any photos of her. I can't even bring myself to have weetabix or cereal in the morning as she used to finish off my milk.

I really do miss her presence xx


----------



## Summersky

MyBeanie said:


> Thank you so much. This forum has been a lifeline, I keep coming back to read when feeling low which is often.
> 
> I've been doing a little better, trouble is when I think I'm doing ok I will start to get flashbacks of her last night when she was sick and then at the vets. I can't talk about it and I can't look at any photos of her. I can't even bring myself to have weetabix or cereal in the morning as she used to finish off my milk.
> 
> I really do miss her presence xx


Everything here is very normal, and we can all identify with what you say.

Those "flashbacks" will happen for a while. I think it is the way our mind copes with it all - being able to cope a bit better for a while - and then BAM!! You might find you fall into a sort of pattern, or it might be more random.

There's no need to look at any photos, until you are ready, and that will help you. She is firmly in your heart, and always will be.

I love it that she used to share your breakfast.  It's the little things that make them special.

How are the kittens doing? No one can replace Mittens, but they will help keep you busy for now.


----------



## MyBeanie

Summersky said:


> Everything here is very normal, and we can all identify with what you say.
> 
> Those "flashbacks" will happen for a while. I think it is the way our mind copes with it all - being able to cope a bit better for a while - and then BAM!! You might find you fall into a sort of pattern, or it might be more random.
> 
> There's no need to look at any photos, until you are ready, and that will help you. She is firmly in your heart, and always will be.
> 
> I love it that she used to share your breakfast.  It's the little things that make them special.
> 
> How are the kittens doing? No one can replace Mittens, but they will help keep you busy for now.


Thank you so much for your reassurance. Yep as you describe it BAM!! It feels like a huge smack in the face!

The kittens are a comfort, they are gorgeous. 10 weeks old tomorrow. My husband said we can keep 3 and give one away, but I can't bear to just send one off, so I've decided we will keep them all, I just haven't told him yet!

They are extra special because of who their mum is. I do tell them I miss their mummy.

I hope I can return the favour to all you lovely people on here and be of some comfort to someone one day xxx


----------



## Guest

I know exactly the feeling my Ragdoll cross was killed by a car a year after I got her from the cats protection I still think about her and its been at least 15 years since she passed. We were very close :>

For a long time I felt that someone had stollen her as it was better then thinking she had been run over. 

Its hard to accept when a much loved pet is taken from us so young when its not their time but time does help us accept that their gone all though we never forget.


You will feel yourself again in time even though, thoughs around you may not understand your feelings you may even grow to give another a second home all though it might not be for a while yet the house will feel feel empty without four paws pottering about and theirs also all ways photos to remind you of some good times :>


----------



## Summersky

MyBeanie said:


> Thank you so much for your reassurance. Yep as you describe it BAM!! It feels like a huge smack in the face!
> 
> The kittens are a comfort, they are gorgeous. 10 weeks old tomorrow. My husband said we can keep 3 and give one away, but I can't bear to just send one off, so I've decided we will keep them all, I just haven't told him yet!
> 
> They are extra special because of who their mum is. I do tell them I miss their mummy.
> 
> I hope I can return the favour to all you lovely people on here and be of some comfort to someone one day xxx


I am sure that at some point in the future, you will be there to support someone else. For now, concentrate on yourself and the little kitties. Mittens will be watching over you, giving you strength, and will be oh so proud of you for looking after her babies.

Take care.


----------



## Horselover503

Don't beat yourself up, I'm sure mittens knew how much you loved her. She's looking down at you now, trying to tell you its OK. That she knows how much you loved her. She is in a better place now and you have her kittens to remember her by. 

=======================================================
If our much loved animals never died, then we wouldn't have the chance to make tonnes of new friends!
============================ ===========================


----------



## MyBeanie

Thank you all again, you are all so lovely and supportive.

It's just over a week since Mittens died. I'm doing a little better but still feel so sad. I do really hope she knew how much I loved her, even if I didn't show it. If I knew the time I had was so short with her I would have showed her so much more love and given her loads of fuss and I feel I didn't.

It's nice to come on here and say how I feel. Thanks for listening xxx


----------



## Summersky

I am a hundred percent sure that she knew she was loved. You provided all that she needed while she was with you right up until the end. So you have nothing whatsoever to regret 

She was lucky to find you when she needed you. She has left her kittens safe in your hands. 

Perhaps this is how it was meant to be 

Xx


----------



## polly63

I think what you have done for Mittens is truly admirable. Of course she knew how much you loved her. You commented in my post about my puppy Lola. I think the same thing about her, if only I had played with her more, cuddled her more, loved her more. Thank you for taking the time out of your own grief to offer me some comfort - you must be a special person and I am sure Mittens knew that and that is why she chose you. You now have the most wonderful gift of her kittens. Take care of yourself xxxx


----------



## greengulf

We had to have Chloe, our beautiful black standard poodle put to sleep on the 8th June, 2011. She was 15. She had been on medication for several years, and we finally accepted that we owed her the dignity of a peaceful death. I still miss her so badly, I can hardly type for the tears. Yet, it is our responsibility as partners to our furry friends that we accept the daunting and harrowing prospect of their demise. Chloe gave so much love, and expected so little in return. The empty space that she has left in my heart can never be filled, but the joy that she brought pervades every atom of my world. Goodnight my beautiful friend.


----------



## buddyrevell

Vicky, I hope you're feeling better by now.

I could relate to what happened to you, because after our cat Nina died last year, I would often think that I should have stayed by her side the whole time during her final hours. She was almost 18 years old and very fragile at that point, so it was clear she wouldn't live much longer. She was very reclusive in her last weeks and for a couple of days she even looked better, but that didn't last.

I did check up on her a couple of times before she left, but I guess it's just human nature to think what could we have done differently and blame ourselves. I think she wanted to be alone and die in peace, but I still think about that night. I also remember the times when I wasn't gentle to her and it's really sad, but then I tried to remember the days when she wouldn't left my bed for nothing because it was cold and other nice memories. That's what really matters.

Oh, and she was a stray cat as well. I'm sure she was grateful to us. I've always felt that, really.

I hope you and Mittens' kittens are doing fine.


----------



## MyBeanie

I just wanted to say thank you so much to you all for your support. Although I haven't posted for a while, I still read often.

This forum helped me and still does so much after losing Mittens.

I think about her lots and still feel gutted she was with us for such a short time. I tell her I miss her when I go to where she is buried in our garden.

Her kittens are 14 weeks now and are so cute and a bit mad! I'm very grateful to Mittens that she left this gift with us.

I'm sorry to hear of all your losses but it's so comforting to know we feel the same. I really appreciate every reply I've received from you all.

Vicky xx


----------



## lymorelynn

Thank you for your update Vicky and I pleased that Mitten's little family are helping to ease the pain of her loss.
Do stay around and join in when you feel like it - we would love to hear about the kittens growing up with you  and see them too if you'd like to post some photos :yesnod:


----------



## Summersky

MyBeanie said:


> I just wanted to say thank you so much to you all for your support. Although I haven't posted for a while, I still read often.
> 
> This forum helped me and still does so much after losing Mittens.
> 
> I think about her lots and still feel gutted she was with us for such a short time. I tell her I miss her when I go to where she is buried in our garden.
> 
> Her kittens are 14 weeks now and are so cute and a bit mad! I'm very grateful to Mittens that she left this gift with us.
> 
> I'm sorry to hear of all your losses but it's so comforting to know we feel the same. I really appreciate every reply I've received from you all.
> 
> Vicky xx


Glad you are doing OK, and the kittens are keeping you busy with their antics!

It's good to share the good as well as the sad, so don't be shy about posting about their antics down in cat chat.


----------



## Guest

I am so sorry for you loss. I am sure Mittens knew how much you loved her. You took such good care of her and that is the best anyone could have done. You did very well with her and eventually I am sure you will remember al the good moments with her and feel happy about being able to make Mittens a happy cat.


----------



## Wig Dog

Dear Vicky,
I'm so sorry about Mittens. I'm glad you are feeling a little better. I lost my dog suddenly & in traumatic circumstances before Christmas, like you I have been tormented by guilt as well as grief. I can't think of anything better to say than has already been said here. I had the most amazing support & comfort from the PFers & I too returned many time to read their words.

I hope that Mitten's kittens continue to bring you joy & comfort; she lives on in them. X


----------

