# Night time torture



## Jomag (Oct 24, 2021)

My lovely puppy brother died three weeks ago today.
He was there for almost half of my life. He was genuinely my little brother. He did everything with us as a family, picnics, beach trips, BBQs etc.

In the end he had uncontrollable diabetes. He went blind overnight and became very timid about getting out. They said he had all the signs of Cushing's too except his rapid weight loss the past year.
He managed three weeks being blind but he went downhill.

I stayed with him in the vets and tucked his favourite toy under his arm, he passed so quickly it was a relief as I'd pictured it lasting for ages.
It was so hard to watch. I felt lightheaded, both my arms filled with pins and needles and felt numb and really heavy....

I tried to close his little eyes but they wouldn't shut. I patted him and left him alone with my parents to have their last moments with his body. I went outside and cried some more and then I went back in to try and encourage my Mum to leave him, as i knew she was struggling to.
She asked me if i wanted to kiss him and I did. I kissed him a few times and told him he was the best boy ever.

I'm so glad I petted and kissed his body, something I had imagined I would be too afraid to do.


I've managed to stop the daily tears, but I haven't slept well since. It's very hard at night and I think about him and I say "I miss you" aloud into the darkness as if he can hear me. My smart watch sends me messages saying my sleeping is irregular these past weeks, if only it knew.

The vet office called today and said we can collect his ashes tomorrow.
Suddenly I can't stop the hysteria. I can hardly breathe. I can't catch my breath and it hurts physically and mentally. I keep having intrusive thoughts of him burning, i hadn't once pictured this until they said he was ready for collection.
It's so heartbreaking.
I feel so guilty for letting him go even though we'd exhausted all options and meds. He was tired. We did it for him and not what was best for us and let his last days drag on. Still, the guilt is unyeilding.

It suddenly feels very final even though it's been three weeks. The days have slipped away and the nights drag in.

I miss him so much.
I love him so much.

Going into my parent's home and not having him jump on you for kisses and pets, not playing hide and seek with him and play wrestling with him on the floor is crippling. I miss his tricks he loved to show off.
I miss being with him 365 days a year. I miss buying him toys! I miss his quirks and his grumpy ruffs if you didn't do what he wanted right away. I miss him playing with the cat on the lawn.
I miss playing our song which is now unbearable to hear.


Does anyone else struggle at night time with their pet grief?


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## Lurcherlad (Jan 5, 2013)

I’m so sorry for your loss 

I have my beloved Jack’s ashes to scatter on the wild daffodils in a nearby copse, but will wait for Spring when they are in bloom and it’s not so gloomy.

I too miss him terribly and think of him all the time but if I wake in the night that’s the worst time … I distract my thoughts with a short spell Googling positive, happy things on my iPhone so I can get back to sleep.

Allow yourself time to grieve but know you did the very best for him… he was lucky to have been so loved and cherished, right to the end.

Time will slowly ease the pain but you will hold him and all your happy memories in your heart forever.

Take care x


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## Jomag (Oct 24, 2021)

Lurcherlad said:


> I'm so sorry for your loss
> 
> I have my beloved Jack's ashes to scatter on the wild daffodils in a nearby copse, but will wait for Spring when they are in bloom and it's not so gloomy.
> 
> ...


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## Jomag (Oct 24, 2021)

Thats a really good idea about Google happy things! Thank you and sorry for your loss


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## Guest (Oct 27, 2021)

Sorry for the loss of your beloved friend. 
Time is a healer.


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## Boggins (Dec 23, 2021)

I know my reply is a little late but I do hope things are getting easier for you.
2 nights ago, my gorgeous best friend Bo died unexpectedly in my arms. I am now having those sleeess nights. I doze off and jerk awake as I see him dying in my arms all over again.
Bo was my 6th dog to pass and it gets harder ad I get older, but I know, on time, there is another little soul destined to fill some if the void for a short time on this imperfect planet. 
I hope you have started your recovery from this tragic loss and can only provide hollow words but believe me when I say, it does get easier but it never goes away. I still mourn for all of my lost friends they ate never all that far away, and always allow my room to love a new friend when the time is right. Take care


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