# New cat - loves me, scared of husband!



## seren1980 (Apr 29, 2014)

Hi all,

This is my very first post so thanks in advance for your patience!

We got a three year old rescue cat, Minx, nearly three weeks ago. To me, she is an extremely loving, affectionate girl but for some reason she is TERRIFIED of my husband and any movement or word from him sends her fleeing to her favourite hiding place. We're mainly concerned about the effect living with someone who so clearly causes her stress will have on her. A Feliway diffuser didn't seem to make any difference at all.

I guess it's still early days and she is eating and using her litter tray with no problems but do you think she will settle down and is there anything we can do to help her get accustomed to him?

TIA


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## ForeverHome (Jan 14, 2014)

Hi, welcome and congratulations on the new addition to your family. 

When you say rescue, did Minx come from a shelter? Did they have any idea of her past history? It's very common with adult rescue cats that they have had some kind of past trauma. They "learn" from these, but often what they learn can be very strange and irrational. But then, cats are not rational! She may have been afraid of men before, but that doesn't mean she can't change her mind about this one.

The good news is, it's well withing the normal range for an adult rescue cat to be showing some stressed behaviours. It can take 3 months or longer for some cats to settle. It's important to let her run when she feels the need, and to hide where she feels safe. Try not to be anxious as that will reinforce her idea that something's wrong, they can sense your anxiety. Just take it as a normal event and do not try to 'reassure' her - cat's don't see our reassuring behaviour the same way we do.

The next bit of good news is that there is lots you and your husband can do to help her settle with him. He can sit quietly talking to her, not looking at her, just ignore her but read aloud softly or something. This will allow her to calm down in his presence. If he can give her some warning that he's going to move, like getting up slowly and deliberately and again not looking at her when he does, this will make him less unpredictable to her. 

It' also important to start soon, because cats reinforce their own fears. They believe that the only reason they didn't come to any harm and nothing bad happened is because they ran. So if you can make things different while she is still normally nervous from being in a new place with new people, all the better. Once she comes towards your husband, he can begin to offer her treats, but not try to stroke her until she is more comfortable. Let her decide for herself what's safe and take it one step at a time.

There are some who say you shouldn't pussyfoot around a nervous cat and they have to get used to the household. That can work too, but personally I prefer the gentle approach, I see it as a negotiation process between me and cat and I don't mind making simple compromises.


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## seren1980 (Apr 29, 2014)

Thank you so much for your lovely reply!

Yes, Minx came from a shelter; we know she had a female owner so would expect her to be more comfortable with girls but the personality change is so marked that we're wondering if there is more to it.

Will definitely try the techniques you suggest.


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## ForeverHome (Jan 14, 2014)

seren1980 said:


> Thank you so much for your lovely reply!
> 
> Yes, Minx came from a shelter; we know she had a female owner so would expect her to be more comfortable with girls but the personality change is so marked that we're wondering if there is more to it.
> 
> Will definitely try the techniques you suggest.


Doesn't necessarily mean she was mistreated, could be she is just not used to men and they are often louder and more sudden in their movements. There may be more to it, of course. But there's no reason why Minx shouldn't be able to overcome most if not all of her past troubles, with patience and understanding from you both.

Just thought of another thing which may help a great deal, I know it helped Molly with me, and that's the slow-blink. Jackson Galaxy explains this much better than I can -


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## korrok (Sep 4, 2013)

Heya!

Last summer we adopted our two cats from a rather abusive situation, and our boy Teemo has been much the same with me and my boyfriend. He loves me, but was very very nervous of my boyfriend, running when he spoke or stood up etc to begin with. The good news is, it gets better, a little at a time! Teemo still runs from my bf in many situations and still won't sit on his lap or anything, but he'll let him pet him, feed him, often will just chill out on the bed when he's sitting on it, he'll come when my bf calls him. So it's not perfect, but the progress has been significant from the beginning.

Just make sure your other half gives your new cat lots of space, while still talking to her and being open to her. Treats and play are always good for bonding, as well as having him feed her (especially if it's a favourite food - we started a routine where my bf would feed the cats a favourite food every night at around 9, now Teemo runs up to him and circles his feet at that time!). It'll feel like baby steps, but it's worth it in the end.


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## seren1980 (Apr 29, 2014)

That's good to hear - thanks


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## rose (Apr 29, 2009)

I have always had cats and dogs and I think they often prefer women, could be our higher voices sound more friendly? There are a lot of men that don't like cats though


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## Blackcats (Apr 13, 2013)

Hi and welcome to the forum.

Sorry your cat is behaving like this but some cats genuinely have a preference to the gender of people. If a cat has come from a home with only females, they may be quite timid and shy of males if they haven't interacted with them for a long period of time.

The same can be said for the opposite.

Encourage your husband to talk to her, play with her, feed her, etc, and when she comes in the room with him, try and get her to approach him. The better she smells him and gets used to his presence, hopefully she can bond with him and feel comfortable with his presence for the future.


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## seren1980 (Apr 29, 2014)

I came downstairs yesterday afternoon to find him sitting reading "Game of Thrones" to her! Not sure it's particularly appropriate reading material for a little cat  But hopefully it will help. We really want her to feel as safe and comfortable as possible and hate the thought that 50% of the household stresses her out!


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