# grieving the loss of my marley boy



## rachelledger (May 25, 2013)

on wed 22/5/13 me and my husband had to make the agonizing decision to have our 14 year old peke marley boy put to sleep, i cannot explain the pain im feeling, i feel like my heart has been ripped out, the house feels awful, i cant eat cant sleep im totally lost, sobbing constantly the grief is unbearable jus t would like someone to chat to or someone to message me who might be going through the same thing, it is the most hardest decision we have to make as pet owners , it all seemed to happen so fast and im left in despair about it all was it the right thing, the wrong thing to do? should i have done this or that its awful, is this normal to have all these awful feelings as well as the total loss and grief? i am new to this site so if someone could get back to me to let me know i have posted correctly, many thanks :-((((


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## Velcro (May 20, 2013)

Apparently it's normal, Im feeling the same things about my kitten, to the extent I rang up the vets the day after asking if Id made a huge mistake and was there anything else that could have been done. She ended up giving me a number for pet bereavement, which I won't ring, as I can't talk about (or type it would seem) about it without getting upset and making a scene.

I'd like to say it gets easier. But I'm not so sure it does yet myself. Every time I think I'm doing ok something sets me off again.


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## rachelledger (May 25, 2013)

hi i did exactly the same thing, rang the vet up seeking reassurance, i just feel so desperate and miss him so so much, i go in panic as it sinks in im not going to see him again, i have a cat called bilbo and they were best buddies and he is so lost too, he just sits looking at me sobbing, my family are a bit worried about me i think because i just cry and cry but i cannot stop the tears, the house feels completely dead to me :-( sorry for your loss too


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## Sled dog hotel (Aug 11, 2010)

rachelledger said:


> on wed 22/5/13 me and my husband had to make the agonizing decision to have our 14 year old peke marley boy put to sleep, i cannot explain the pain im feeling, i feel like my heart has been ripped out, the house feels awful, i cant eat cant sleep im totally lost, sobbing constantly the grief is unbearable jus t would like someone to chat to or someone to message me who might be going through the same thing, it is the most hardest decision we have to make as pet owners , it all seemed to happen so fast and im left in despair about it all was it the right thing, the wrong thing to do? should i have done this or that its awful, is this normal to have all these awful feelings as well as the total loss and grief? i am new to this site so if someone could get back to me to let me know i have posted correctly, many thanks :-((((


I am so so sorry, It is the hardest thing that we will ever have to do when the time comes. I have had to go through it 3 times so I know how hard it is.
You always do question that you have done the right thing. I think a lot of it is the fact that it is so hard to accept with all the love and will and best veterinary medicine in the world there does come a time finally when we can no longer do anything more for them. We only have one choice and that is to do the last selfless act of love to prevent any further pain and suffering and set them free.

Its normal to beat yourself up about it, along with wondering if you made the right decision, I found that I was left wondering did I miss something, could I have acted sooner and made a difference. Sometimes though you cant sometimes dogs do suddenly go down hill they can seem completely fine one minute and then become very ill the next without warning and dont always tell us that they are ill before hand.

I am sure that you made the right decision and the only decision you could make. The hard part is accepting that there wasnt anything you could do anymore and it was the only choice you had. How ever long we have them and I like you had the last two live to 14 plus its never long enough is it and we all wish we had more time.

You do worry, you do question yourself and at the moment all you can see and feel is the sadness and cant think about him or the situation without crying and feeling the pain. In time though although it doesnt seem like it now you will be able to think of him and the good times with a smile again.

So sorry you have joined the forum in such sad circumstances but welcome, many of us have gone through the same thing and know just how you are feeling.

There is a rainbow bridge section, where it might help when you are ready to do a tribute to Marley and share how much he meant to you.

The Blue cross also if you feel you need to speak to someone also does a pet bereavement service which is entirely confidential and free of charge that may help. They also have a section too where you can leave a tribute to Marley if that is something you feel you want to do and it may help.

Blue Cross - Pet loss

I am sure that Marley did have a wonderful life with you and knew how much he was loved.

One thing that helped me although it does make me cry is the poem if it should be, its very sad but so true and explains things or I find anyway.

If it should be

If it should be I grow frail and weak
and pain prevents my peaceful sleep.
Then you must do what must be done
when this last battle can't be won.
You will be sad, I understand.
Selfishness might stay your hand
But on this day, more than the rest,
Your love and friendship take the test.
We've had so many happy years
That what's to come can hold no fears,
You'd not want me to suffer, so,
When the time comes to let me go
Take me where my needs they'll tend.
Only - stay with me until the end
Hold me firm and speak to me
until my eyes no longer see.
I know, in time, you too will see
It is a kindness that you do for me,
Although my tail Its' last has waved,
From pain & suffering I've been saved.
Do not grieve It should be you
who must decide this thing to do.
We've been so close we two these years
Don't let your heart hold any tears.

Anonymous

Another poem I found a great help is the one below, also true because even though Marley is no longer with you, he will still always be there in your heart and memories, and in time you will find that a comfort.

Native American Prayer"

I give you this one thought to keep - 
I am with you still - I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush,
I am the sweet uplifting rush,
of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft starts that shine at night.
Do not think of me as gone - 
I am with you still in each new dawn. 
Author: Native American Prayer


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## jenniferx (Jan 23, 2009)

So sorry Rachel. It sounds as though Marley was very loved and had a long and happy life. 

What I will say is that- however they pass it is natural to question everything and feel a guilt about what you did or didn't do. It is because you care so much. 

You only lost him a couple of days ago. The first month (at least) after I lost my Sheba was a total blur. I don't remember anything of it, blanked it out, it was so painful. The actual moment and day of her death, however, haunted me for months. 

It's five years this August that she's gone and I won't lie- I still miss her and I'd give the world to have her back but it is what it is and life does go on. 

Give yourself time to grieve. Cry all you need.


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## rose (Apr 29, 2009)

So sorry for you. You are completely normal, losing a pet is as hard as losing a close relative, sometimes even more so as they are so dependant on us that they leave a huge hole in our lives. When I have lost a beloved pet my eyes and face are red raw for the first few days where the salty tears have burned my face. It does get better, the hurt fades, you will still cry on dark days but they will get less. You will never forget them, you will carry him in you heart forever.
It is the price we pay for the privilege of loving. Take care xxx


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## Charity (Apr 17, 2013)

I'm sorry for your loss. I think everything has been said really. I've been through this so many times and it doesn't get any easier. Your pets are the only things in life where you have total control over their life and death and none of us are happy dealing with the last part but we do it because we love them, but with that responsibility comes lots of confusing emotions like grief, guilt, questions about whether it was the right thing to do etc We all go through it and it's necessary to help you gradually get over your loss. Things are very raw for you at the moment as its so recent. Don't be afraid or embarrassed to grieve and don't worry about how long it takes. I was told I should more or less buck up and move on a couple of weeks after I lost my young cat recently but here I am two months later and it still makes me cry when I think of him. It will get easier in time. You might find it helps to put a memorial on a site such as Blue Cross or Dearest Pets where you can go when you think of him I do this often. Take care.


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## rachelledger (May 25, 2013)

Thankyou all for your kind messages, it is reassuring to know that how im feeling is normal, he had been such a healthy little boy all his life and was such a good boy, i noticed his breathing was slightly heavy one day thought he may have been having an off day first thing the next morning i took him to the vets she checked him over and we were told he had a massive heart murmur a grade six and water on his lungs, he was starting to cough she gave us all our options, i had always said that he had had a good life and when he was really poorly i wouldnt mess him around i would let him go as he was 14, the vet told me he was suffering which makes you panick and stress more, other options were to have him x rayed which would of had to be done under anesthetic and Pekingese dont cope well under anesthetic, he would of had to be on adrip and away from home, i just couldnt bear the thought of him being away from home and if i couldnt get to him and if he was suffering, but.........when your loss is so great that you feel you would do anything to have them with you again you do question your decision, one of my biggest regrets is not being with him righat at the end, i wanted to and then the vet said he may cry out and that just finished me off i didnt want that to be my last memory of him, i had to say my goodbye to hime and then go and wait outside, his daddy my husband stayed with him though to the end, sorry for spelling mistakes its hard to type when you are sobbing, thanks again for your kind responses


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## Summersky (Aug 11, 2012)

I am so sorry for your loss of Marley Boy, and especially because you had no time to prepare yourself. No wonder it is such a shock. He was part of the family after all.

From what you have said about his problem, you absolutely made the right decision about having him put to sleep. Far better than the other option of watching him struggle and suffer - it was the best and final gift you could give to him - peace.

And it was also the right decision to leave the room before the end - he would have felt your distress if you had stayed, which would have made it worse for him. 

Bereavement can be a long and lonely road, but people on here will understand. So if you feel unable to talk to others face to face, or don't feel ready contact a bereavement councellor just yet, remember we are here, for when you have those thoughts that you just need to share.

It WILL get better, but not overnight.

Please try not to blame yourself. Guilt is a natural part of the grieving process, as is anger, but you did do the right thing.

Take care.

Run happy and free Marley Boy. XX


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## Sled dog hotel (Aug 11, 2010)

rachelledger said:


> Thankyou all for your kind messages, it is reassuring to know that how im feeling is normal, he had been such a healthy little boy all his life and was such a good boy, i noticed his breathing was slightly heavy one day thought he may have been having an off day first thing the next morning i took him to the vets she checked him over and we were told he had a massive heart murmur a grade six and water on his lungs, he was starting to cough she gave us all our options, i had always said that he had had a good life and when he was really poorly i wouldnt mess him around i would let him go as he was 14, the vet told me he was suffering which makes you panick and stress more, other options were to have him x rayed which would of had to be done under anesthetic and Pekingese dont cope well under anesthetic, he would of had to be on adrip and away from home, i just couldnt bear the thought of him being away from home and if i couldnt get to him and if he was suffering, but.........when your loss is so great that you feel you would do anything to have them with you again you do question your decision, one of my biggest regrets is not being with him righat at the end, i wanted to and then the vet said he may cry out and that just finished me off i didnt want that to be my last memory of him, i had to say my goodbye to hime and then go and wait outside, his daddy my husband stayed with him though to the end, sorry for spelling mistakes its hard to type when you are sobbing, thanks again for your kind responses


Under the circumstances you did do the right thing, and I dont think you had any other choice. If he had breathing problems and a high grade mumour then putting him through the stress of an anaesthetic which always has a degree of risks anyway but especially in an older dog who already has heart and breathing problems, wasnt the right thing to do. If his heart mumour was that bad and already causing the problems it was then it would not have achieved anything anyway. The aneasthetic can alter blood pressure anyway and put further strain on the heart and circulatory system, so it really wouldnt have been fair to him and you could have lost him anyway.

I know you couldnt be with him but your husband was so he wasnt alone and passed with someone he knew and loved him by his side which is the main thing. What they give them is a form of anaesthetic, so it does act very quickly and they slip off to sleep. Still the hardest decision you will ever do though, and it was the right decision that you made for him. As hard as it is at least we have that option when we can longer do anything for them, and we can prevent any more pain and suffering.


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## rachelledger (May 25, 2013)

thank you for these comments on my post they have gave me a little bit of peace in my heart, the guilt feeling is horrendous and the loss, i go round and round in circles in my head all day long , the vet said that if i wanted they would just get him on the drip and leave him till tea time to see how he went i was close to agreeing with this but i suppose i just didn't want him to suffer being in a strange place and if something would have happened to him and i was not there i would not have forgiven myself :-( but i guess im going to always have that nagging feeling in my head, what if i did? i cannot thank you enough for reassuring me that i did the right thing it means a lot as when your grieving everything gets mixed up in your head and its hard to think straight, can you let me know how to post on the rainbow bridge as im struggling getting around this site at the minute as its so new to me? thank you again for all your very kind support x


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## Sled dog hotel (Aug 11, 2010)

rachelledger said:


> thank you for these comments on my post they have gave me a little bit of peace in my heart, the guilt feeling is horrendous and the loss, i go round and round in circles in my head all day long , the vet said that if i wanted they would just get him on the drip and leave him till tea time to see how he went i was close to agreeing with this but i suppose i just didn't want him to suffer being in a strange place and if something would have happened to him and i was not there i would not have forgiven myself :-( but i guess im going to always have that nagging feeling in my head, what if i did? i cannot thank you enough for reassuring me that i did the right thing it means a lot as when your grieving everything gets mixed up in your head and its hard to think straight, can you let me know how to post on the rainbow bridge as im struggling getting around this site at the minute as its so new to me? thank you again for all your very kind support x


Here is a link to rainbow bridge section. (Hopefully Ive done it right)

If you click on the link below Ive provided and then click on the box in blue on the left hand side that says new thread you will be able to post.

Rainbow Bridge - Pet Forums Community

It is all raw and new at the moment and you are so consumed in the grief and what happened so suddenly aswell as everything else, it is hard to get things into some semblance of order that you can understand. You will get there though, even though it doesnt seem like it at the moment.


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## cheekyscrip (Feb 8, 2010)

just hugs...


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## Summersky (Aug 11, 2012)

rachelledger said:


> thank you for these comments on my post they have gave me a little bit of peace in my heart, the guilt feeling is horrendous and the loss, i go round and round in circles in my head all day long , the vet said that if i wanted they would just get him on the drip and leave him till tea time to see how he went i was close to agreeing with this but i suppose i just didn't want him to suffer being in a strange place and if something would have happened to him and i was not there i would not have forgiven myself :-( but i guess im going to always have that nagging feeling in my head, what if i did? i cannot thank you enough for reassuring me that i did the right thing it means a lot as when your grieving everything gets mixed up in your head and its hard to think straight, can you let me know how to post on the rainbow bridge as im struggling getting around this site at the minute as its so new to me? thank you again for all your very kind support x


It's natural to go over and over things in your head at the moment, as it is such a major decision. But in time, you will be able to look back and know that you did right by Marley Boy.

If you had said yes to the drip, you might have bought a little time, but it wasn't going to put things right, and it wouldn't have been quality time.

You clearly love Marley so much, and you would NOT have said yes to him being put to sleep, if it had not been in his best interests.

It's hard for you right now, but you put Marley first - what else could you have done?

Better a day too early, than a day too late is an expression you will here on here.


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