# Rehoming a rescue - GUILT



## Dot93 (Oct 19, 2018)

Im just looking for some advice to be honest. Me and my partner adopted a dog and we brought her home onTuesday, we got her from a rescue centre, we went to visit her a couple of times and while we were there she seemed like the perfect dog and I just couldn’t understand why she was there! We both felt nervous about it as we always wanted to rescue a dog but didn’t think we would do it yet! Anyway we went ahead with it as at the time it felt right. She was obviously weary/confused and unsettled like anyone would be! However as the few days have passed she has basically dominated me despite me telling her off and being just a stirn as my partner, and has shown more of her true colours, not necessarily in a bad way! But she only listens to him. It’s probably my own fault but I’ve created a bit of a fear of her being on my own as she’s different with me when my partner isn’t there! She needs lots of training and a lot more than what we anticipated and I’m now worried we don’t have the time for that aswell as getting me to feel confident with her. I ended up being locked in my bedroom away from her yesterday until my partner got home because she does not listen to me, she jumps up and mouths me, I’m just over 5ft and when she’s stood up she’s really not much smaller! We made the decision to return her at the weekend however my partner is devastated as he feels like he has a bond with her which they really do! I feel heartbroken that she’s going back and has to go through this again, and feel heartbroken that my partner feels this way and it’s bevause of me  does it sound like I’m doing the right thing? She is only 2.5 years old so maybe she’s trying to be playful but it’s coming across as a bit scary! She was a street dog in Romania for the first 2 years of her life so she’s still new to so much.


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## dustofneptune (Oct 26, 2018)

I'm not sure if you still have her or if you decided to return her to the shelter, but I thought I'd reply. 

It's not uncommon for dogs to be returned to shelters if the fit isn't right. I can understand your nervousness, particularly with her size. And then being fearful and hiding from her and feeling frustrated - she'll pick up on that, and it will put her on edge, which is why you're seeing her behaving differently towards you. If you have kept her, this can potentially be turned around! But if you have returned her, it's all a learning experience. 

The thing I really wanted to say to you though is that I feel like maybe you've been told that you need to be the 'alpha' with a dog, otherwise they will try to dominate you. Many now argue that this is not the case: that what you really need to achieve is mutual respect, not dominance. Dogs look to you to be the leader, but there is no need to be strict or to tell a dog off. It's just about setting calm boundaries, giving consistent guidance, and using positive reinforcement. If you can bond with a dog through lots of fun, games, treats and positive experiences, then use calm, neutral corrections (no shouting, raised voice, exasperation, etc.), they are more likely to connect with you, and when they are more bonded with you, they listen to you. 

Whether you have kept her or not, I just really wanted to say this to you, because I feel it could help you with her (if you've kept her), or with a future dog that you may get. It's a really difficult and scary thing, getting a new dog who behaves in a way that you don't expect, and I feel it's very different on paper to the actual in-the-moment reality. I don't blame you for being nervous at all. 

If you haven't already watched his videos (?), I'd highly recommend Zak George on YouTube. He's a positive dog trainer who teaches so many amazing things in such a clear way, and he has hundreds of videos. 

Finally, whatever has happened, it's my opinion that if you're a couple deciding to adopt a pet together, then it has to be a pet that is right for both of you. You go through the rough and smooth together. If you have returned her and if your boyfriend is upset about that, it's completely understandable; but at the same time, ultimately, you aren't forcing the decision, you're expressing your fears and feelings. It is then his choice what he wants to do. It's not your fault, and it's clear that you are a caring person, from what you've written, with good intentions. 

I hope this helps. Best of luck. x


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