# Don't know what to do with myself



## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Don't really know why I'm even posting here. But had to find an outlet.

I haven't been on too much recently as things at home have been a little tense. Then on Wednesday night, my partner of 14 years finally told me he didn't see a future with us together in it.

I haven't been well for a while as have had a problem with my neck and am in constant pain so just haven't felt like going out. He likes to go to the pub so has been out with his friends a lot.

So I'm aware that this is probably mostly my fault for not being the fun person I was when he met me, but surely he should have understood why. He hasn't said what about the relationship he doesn't like, just that he's "not happy".

It also turns out he doesn't like all the cat stuff in the house and could do without them, which is ironic as 3 out of the 4 we currently have are only here because of him.

So I really don't know what to do with myself, I can't stop crying and feel I've been shattered into a thousand pieces, then some of those have gone down the gutter and I'll never get them back.

I know I don't know any of you, but just wanted somewhere to write this down. I thought he was my world and we'd grow old together.

Sorry for the essay.


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## Soozi (Jun 28, 2013)

Oh hun I am so sorry you are having to go through this hell. It sounds like he’s using the Cats as part of the reason for the split which is cruel. I don’t know what to say that will help take the hurt away. Have you sat him down and thrashed it out with him? Sending you a huge hug. xxx


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## ChaosCat (Dec 7, 2017)

Oh dear, so sorry for you MilleD.

It must be very hard indeed to see the life you had felt secure with is going down the drains.

But please don’t think it’s mostly your 'fault'. If he doesn’t tell you in good time that he starts to be less than happy with your relationship there is nothing you can do about it.
It’s definitely lack of communication on his part.

I don’t want to write the standard answers of perk up, other mothers have nice sons, better be rid of him...
That’s all no use to you.

I just hope that you will get over this awful ruin as quickly as possible. Cats are a great help in emotional criseses.
Sending you lots of sympathy and strength.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Soozi said:


> Oh hun I am so sorry you are having to go through this hell. It sounds like he's using the Cats as part of the reason for the split which is cruel. I don't know what to say that will help take the hurt away. Have you sat him down and thrashed it out with him? Sending you a huge hug. xxx


Thanks Soozi.

I've tried talking to him, but he won't tell me anything. Then drops in something about just needing time to work out how he feels and that maybe he's having a mid life crisis.

But the cynical part of me assumes that that is just a crumb he's throwing my way to keep me having hope. If I turned bitter and vengeful, he knows I could make a lot of trouble for him so maybe he's just keeping me sweet.

But all I want is some truth.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

ChaosCat said:


> Sending you lots of sympathy and strength.


Thanks ChaosCat x


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## CuddleMonster (Mar 9, 2016)

Please don't blame yourself. In any relationship, there are going to be times when one partner is sad or ill and can't be the 'happy' person they usually are. 

Would he see a relationship counsellor to try to work things out?

Sending you lots of love & sympathy - please keep talking to PF if it helps xxx


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## Charity (Apr 17, 2013)

Oh @MilleD, I am so sorry. A relationship which isn't working, at least for one of you, can make the other person feel so bad, about their future, themselves and everything crumbles. It certainly isn't your fault, you can't help being unwell and of course you aren't going to be the happy go lucky person you might have been when you're in pain but it won't be forever and he should be unselfish enough to be supporting you through it. I'm sure he feels uncomfortable and guilty and men then clam up, they don't do talking, explaining or working things out well. Maybe he doesn't even understand it himself so he can't tell you. I think the cat stuff is just something to add to his moan. Do you think he would go to Relate with you to try and sort things out? Sorry I can't take away your pain, I'm sending you a big hug too as I don't like anyone to be unhappy like this, having been there myself once.


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## chillminx (Nov 22, 2010)

I am so sorry to hear this @MilleD  I really feel for you. There is nothing worse than having a suspicion your partner is hiding something, not being straight with you. It would drive me to distraction! :Banghead

Can you say to him that if he has any respect for you he should at least be straight with you.?

Is there anyone - friend, family member - close enough by to come and give you some 'on the spot' support right now ?

Please keep posting though, and let us give you what support and sympathy we can here hun xx


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## ExD (Jul 1, 2016)

Oh my love, I'm so sorry.
Firstly don't dwell on that rubbish about cats - he's found a wonderful way to hurt you there and is being really childish when you think about it. 
A broken love affair of such long standing has to be grieved over - it will take as long as it takes. All you can do is cry yourself out, don't dwell on who's at fault and wait until you are feeling more in control. Then you will feel able to either move on or try to resurrect the relationship, although bear in mind it will never be the same again.
You say three of the four cats came to you 'because of him' - does this mean they 'belong' to him and would he take them if he left? If you think he would, then you will have to steel yourself to mourn over them too.
Life has dealt you a sh1t hand hasn't it. I'm so sorry, but please look after yourself now - turn selfish and pamper yourself, hugs and best wishes, you are the most important person in your life.


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## Soozi (Jun 28, 2013)

Has he actually left or still at home hun? He sounds like he trying to soften the blow, either that or he really doesn’t know himself how he really feels. I agree with the others it’s not your fault you mustn’t blame yourself. Men are cowards when it comes to being honest about their feelings you need to know why and what has gone wrong. xxx


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## chillminx (Nov 22, 2010)

Soozi said:


> Men are cowards when it comes to being honest


I agree Sooz, sadly this does seem to be the case with many men when it comes to expressing their feelings.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

CuddleMonster said:


> Please don't blame yourself. In any relationship, there are going to be times when one partner is sad or ill and can't be the 'happy' person they usually are.
> 
> Would he see a relationship counsellor to try to work things out?
> 
> Sending you lots of love & sympathy - please keep talking to PF if it helps xxx


Thank you. I don't think he would be prepared to see a counsellor unfortunately.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Charity said:


> Oh @MilleD, I am so sorry. A relationship which isn't working, at least for one of you, can make the other person feel so bad, about their future, themselves and everything crumbles. It certainly isn't your fault, you can't help being unwell and of course you aren't going to be the happy go lucky person you might have been when you're in pain but it won't be forever and he should be unselfish enough to be supporting you through it. I'm sure he feels uncomfortable and guilty and men then clam up, they don't do talking, explaining or working things out well. Maybe he doesn't even understand it himself so he can't tell you. I think the cat stuff is just something to add to his moan. Do you think he would go to Relate with you to try and sort things out? Sorry I can't take away your pain, I'm sending you a big hug too as I don't like anyone to be unhappy like this, having been there myself once.


Thank you Charity.


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## Guest (Feb 2, 2018)

I really feel for you too @MilleD  I am sorry you are going through this. I dont know what to say but I didnt want to say nothing at all because if I could and knew you I would want to give you a hug! Lol. True though. What a silly boy, honestly! (I hope that wasn't inappropriate)


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

chillminx said:


> I am so sorry to hear this @MilleD  I really feel for you. There is nothing worse than having a suspicion your partner is hiding something, not being straight with you. It would drive me to distraction! :Banghead
> 
> Can you say to him that if he has any respect for you he should at least be straight with you.?
> 
> ...


Two out of my three sisters know what's going on. I went for a walk with one of them yesterday as she was talking her dog out. I just don't feel comfortable forcing my patheticness on them all the time, although I'm sure they wouldn't mind. I know I'm spending too much time by myself.

Thanks for the nice reply.


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## Guest (Feb 2, 2018)

I am also sorry you have been in so much pain, thats not fun, and you should not be made to feel guilty for ‘not being fun’ Its so hard being in pain xxx


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

ExD said:


> Oh my love, I'm so sorry.
> Firstly don't dwell on that rubbish about cats - he's found a wonderful way to hurt you there and is being really childish when you think about it.
> A broken love affair of such long standing has to be grieved over - it will take as long as it takes. All you can do is cry yourself out, don't dwell on who's at fault and wait until you are feeling more in control. Then you will feel able to either move on or try to resurrect the relationship, although bear in mind it will never be the same again.
> You say three of the four cats came to you 'because of him' - does this mean they 'belong' to him and would he take them if he left? If you think he would, then you will have to steel yourself to mourn over them too.
> Life has dealt you a sh1t hand hasn't it. I'm so sorry, but please look after yourself now - turn selfish and pamper yourself, hugs and best wishes, you are the most important person in your life.


All 4 cats would have to come with me when I move out. He's made it plain that even the one I always thought he considered to be his wouldn't stay.

They are here because of him because he rescued one from a farm as a kitten. And the two pedigrees he agreed to take from someone in the pub who was ironically going through a divorce and she couldn't keep them in her rental property.


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## Soozi (Jun 28, 2013)

MilleD said:


> Two out of my three sisters know what's going on. I went for a walk with one of them yesterday as she was talking her dog out. I just don't feel comfortable forcing my patheticness on them all the time, although I'm sure they wouldn't mind. I know I'm spending too much time by myself.
> 
> Thanks for the nice reply.


Please try and rally round good friends they do help at times like this. We are all here to listen whenever you need love. xxx


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## chillminx (Nov 22, 2010)

@MilleD - bless you hun, in no way are you 'pathetic'. I am glad you have your sisters nearby to talk to.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Soozi said:


> Has he actually left or still at home hun? He sounds like he trying to soften the blow, either that or he really doesn't know himself how he really feels. I agree with the others it's not your fault you mustn't blame yourself. Men are cowards when it comes to being honest about their feelings you need to know why and what has gone wrong. xxx


We are still living together sort of like nothing has changed. Oh, apart from me doing the constant crying thing. He says he will be there for me but I don't know if that's just going to make it worse. Trouble is I love spending time with him. I don't know how we got to this.


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## ewelsh (Jan 26, 2011)

Oh my love, ok you need practical help here as emotions are thin right now.

Ask him to write likes and dislikes of the relationship, some men are better at writing problems down, they are so flipping black or white on times.

The other route is to put all his stuff out and tell him to go work it out and come back when he is ready to talk, that’s a really hard thing to do, but maybe he needs a sharp shove up the backside to see what he really does have in YOU!

Hugs my love xx


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Soozi said:


> Please try and rally round good friends they do help at times like this. We are all here to listen whenever you need love. xxx


I don't really have any friends as I sort of moved into his life when we met so all our friends are mutual. And are likely to be backing him.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

whompingwillow said:


> I am also sorry you have been in so much pain, thats not fun, and you should not be made to feel guilty for 'not being fun' Its so hard being in pain xxx


It's not, but I guess I was expecting too much for him to support me in that.


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## Soozi (Jun 28, 2013)

MilleD said:


> I don't really have any friends as I sort of moved into his life when we met so all our friends are mutual. And are likely to be backing him.


It might not be so much that they are backing him it's often the case they don't want to take sides so stay away unfortunately.


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## ewelsh (Jan 26, 2011)

Oh my goodness, your last reply makes me want to kick something!


You need your best friend right now to pull your self asstem up to where it belongs, why would these friends take his side!

You are NOT responsible for HIS feelings my lovely


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

ewelsh said:


> Oh my love, ok you need practical help here as emotions are thin right now.
> 
> Ask him to write likes and dislikes of the relationship, some men are better at writing problems down, they are so flipping black or white on times.
> 
> ...


I like your pragmatism, but this is his house, so that would be really difficult.


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## ewelsh (Jan 26, 2011)

MilleD said:


> I like your pragmatism, but this is his house, so that would be really difficult.


NO it's your house, you live with him! He is the one with the issues


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

ewelsh said:


> Oh my goodness, your last reply makes me want to kick something!
> 
> You need your best friend right now to pull your self asstem up to where it belongs, why would these friends take his side!
> 
> You are NOT responsible for HIS feelings my lovely


You see, that's what I need, to get angry. Just feel too sad at the moment to muster any energy.


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## Soozi (Jun 28, 2013)

MilleD said:


> We are still living together sort of like nothing has changed. Oh, apart from me doing the constant crying thing. He says he will be there for me but I don't know if that's just going to make it worse. Trouble is I love spending time with him. I don't know how we got to this.


Hun do you think there is someone else? It doesn't sound like it tho. Sorry that's a sensitive area.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

ewelsh said:


> NO it's your house, you live with him! He is the one with the issues


We rented 'my' house out when I moved in with him. So the upshot of this is that we will need to uproot the tenant who is a nice guy so I can move back in.

Feels such a backward step. And two of my cats are buried in the garden here. If nothing else, I've realised what bonkers things you think about when push comes to shove.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Soozi said:


> Hun do you think there is someone else? It doesn't sound like it tho. Sorry that's a sensitive area.


I think something happened towards the end of last year, but he swears that nothing is going on now and that's not the reason.

He's always been a pretty good liar.

I'm not painting a very good picture of why I want to stay with him am I


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## ewelsh (Jan 26, 2011)

Ok pen and paper time tonight over a cuppa, calm sensible talking, no crying! You need to get it out of him what the issues are and don’t take all the responsibility, YOU have done nothing wrong!

It will come to a head but you have to get him to talk which men don’t do, pen and paper I say.


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## Ringypie (Aug 15, 2012)

I’m so sorry you are going through this. Have a big hug from me and remember this too will pass. 

In the meantime is there anything practical you need to do to protect yourself as in any joint accounts? What do you own in the house? I know you feel awful now but can you take some control back by deciding what you are going to do with yourself in case he doesn’t sort himself out?

What area are you in? Just wondering if any of us are close enough to give you some real support rather than virtual!


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## ewelsh (Jan 26, 2011)

Yes where do you live my love?


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## Soozi (Jun 28, 2013)

We all have our faults. I would never say he’s an arsehole cos I don’t know him.  You love him for him warts and all but you can’t go on everyday like this because he’s too cowardly to sit and talk it through. That’s torture. xxx


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Ringypie said:


> I'm so sorry you are going through this. Have a big hug from me and remember this too will pass.
> 
> In the meantime is there anything practical you need to do to protect yourself as in any joint accounts? What do you own in the house? I know you feel awful now but can you take some control back by deciding what you are going to do with yourself in case he doesn't sort himself out?
> 
> What area are you in? Just wondering if any of us are close enough to give you some real support rather than virtual!


North Staffs.

Financially it's going to be a bit of a nightmare as we jointly own two rental properties.

The only good thing is I'm not financially reliant on him thank goodness.

As for things in the house, I probably bought most things over the years apart from large things like the sofas and dining table and bed etc.


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## Summercat (Oct 8, 2017)

I agree it seems he is making excuses. If he wanted most of the cats, that is odd and he is just saying what he thinks will fly. Rather vague on his part about not happy. 
You have been together a long time and It will be hard.
Feel free to vent anytime.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Soozi said:


> We all have our faults. I would never say he's an arsehole cos I don't know him.  You love him for him warts and all but you can't go on everyday like this because he's too cowardly to sit and talk it through. That's torture. xxx


My sister's husband called him the C word yesterday. He doesn't swear very often either. Not to his face mind 

Look, a grin. You people made me feel better for a few minutes. Thank you.


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## Guest (Feb 2, 2018)

Ringypie said:


> I'm so sorry you are going through this. Have a big hug from me and remember this too will pass.
> 
> In the meantime is there anything practical you need to do to protect yourself as in any joint accounts? What do you own in the house? I know you feel awful now but can you take some control back by deciding what you are going to do with yourself in case he doesn't sort himself out?
> 
> What area are you in? Just wondering if any of us are close enough to give you some real support rather than virtual!


Yes, if you are anywhere near london you would be welcome to pop over for a cup of whatever you like (coffee, tea, I even have a bottle of bourbon and wine!) and saffi and mojo will try to be of use by you giving them treats for cuddles


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## ewelsh (Jan 26, 2011)

Too far from me I’m afraid, I am so sorry he is doing this to you! You don’t deserve it.

You really need a friend who is on call and can come round who knows you both who is able to listen to both sides.


I have to go out now, I am not deserting you. Fight my lovely fight for what YOU want and deserve xx


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## Teddy-dog (Nov 2, 2017)

I'm so sorry you're going through this  I'm sorry I don't have much advice, but I couldn't read and not comment.
He sounds like he hasn't actually told you the reason why, the cats are just an excuse. Could you both try and sit down and talk about what's happened and what exactly is making him unhappy?

Also don't blame yourself at all! It is not your fault this has happened, if he was unhappy he should have spoken to you about it so you could both work at it. 

This forum has an amazing sense of community and I'm sure everyone is here for you xx

Speak to your sisters too, you're not pathetic at all.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Teddy-dog said:


> I'm so sorry you're going through this  I'm sorry I don't have much advice, but I couldn't read and not comment.
> He sounds like he hasn't actually told you the reason why, the cats are just an excuse. Could you both try and sit down and talk about what's happened and what exactly is making him unhappy?
> 
> Also don't blame yourself at all! It is not your fault this has happened, if he was unhappy he should have spoken to you about it so you could both work at it.
> ...


Thanks 

He's had a bit of a charmed life I guess and maybe thinks that you don't need to work at a relationship, that it should all be smooth sailing.

Life isn't like that unfortunately. I thought when I lost my Dad at the age of twenty that it was the worst thing ever, but this is coming pretty close for the grief I feel.


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## Charity (Apr 17, 2013)

If you're worried about the future and what will happen if you split up, as you have a lot of things between you property wise etc. why not get some legal advice in advance as to where you stand. After 14 years, whilst it may be his house, its your home as well and you're entitled to your portion of it. I know it sounds cold talking like this but you're much better prepared and it makes you stronger.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Charity said:


> If you're worried about the future and what will happen if you split up, as you have a lot of things between you property wise etc. why not get some legal advice in advance as to where you stand. After 14 years, whilst it may be his house, its your home as well and you're entitled to your portion of it. I know it sounds cold talking like this but you're much better prepared and it makes you stronger.


I will certainly need someone for the splitting up of assets, but I probably wouldn't go for anything of the house.

God, that makes me sound like a right doormat, if you knew me, you think I'd gone soft


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## huckybuck (Jan 17, 2014)

Oh @MilleD I am so sad for you and sorry to hear what is happening.

It sounds like he has made his decision and is simply finding excuses to blame you perhaps for his change of heart.
The you not going out with him, being in pain and the cats are just a smokescreen by the sounds of it.



chillminx said:


> I am so sorry to hear this @MilleD  I really feel for you. There is nothing worse than having a suspicion your partner is hiding something, not being straight with you. It would drive me to distraction! :Banghead
> 
> Can you say to him that if he has any respect for you he should at least be straight with you.?


I hate to say the same as @chillminx but I too have a feeling he's probably hiding what's really going on.

I am very cynical about situations like this - been there myself a few times - when a guy says he's not happy he's normally made his mind up and/or got another agenda.

An O/H once told me that he wasn't happy and thought he might be having a mid life crisis...I found out years later that he'd been having an affair. At the time I went along with what he said because I wanted to work things out - though my suspicion was always there - in reality he had continued the affair and it didn't work out for them. Our relationship carried on (as I hadn't found out) but when I did I was so angry because I would have left him had I known the truth.



ewelsh said:


> The other route is to put all his stuff out and tell him to go work it out and come back when he is ready to talk, that's a really hard thing to do, but maybe he needs a sharp shove up the backside to see what he really does have in YOU!


I totally agree with this - whatever his motives - I would give him the opportunity to really see what he will be missing.

Just read that it's his house so maybe you will have to move out but I would suggest he finds somewhere to stay temporarily while you sort yourself out. He should have the decency to do that.

(I have always said that if Mr HB and I ever split I have no doubt he would start a relationship with someone else...but after 6 months and the novelty wore off he would suddenly realise what he had and want to come back. Sadly that would be too late for me)

I think it's time for the practicalities lovely because it's not doing you any good crying and trying to make sense of it. He is/has not been very nice/loyal/kind/loving towards you (I want to say he's a w***** but I will refrain). You deserve better. But better is going to have to be your making.

Sending you a massive hug and please know we are all supporting you 24/7 xxxx


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## Soozi (Jun 28, 2013)

Charity is right hun! Don’t get mad get even and don’t think that by getting advice will rock the boat or force him to a final decision. You need to know where you stand legally. Don’t let him call the shots. I know your heart is breaking right now so it won’t be easy but just make a few enquiries as to where you stand.


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## huckybuck (Jan 17, 2014)

Charity said:


> If you're worried about the future and what will happen if you split up, as you have a lot of things between you property wise etc. why not get some legal advice in advance as to where you stand. After 14 years, whilst it may be his house, its your home as well and you're entitled to your portion of it. I know it sounds cold talking like this but you're much better prepared and it makes you stronger.


Sadly this isn't the case. There's no such thing as 'common law marriage" 
Unfortunately MilleD isn't entitled to anything unless it was bought together.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-42134722


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

huckybuck said:


> Sadly this isn't the case. There's no such thing as 'common law marriage"
> Unfortunately MilleD isn't entitled to anything unless it was bought together.
> 
> http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-42134722


I wouldn't want to get anything anyway. Just my stuff.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

huckybuck said:


> Oh @MilleD
> 
> Just read that it's his house so maybe you will have to move out but I would suggest he finds somewhere to stay temporarily while you sort yourself out. He should have the decency to do that.


I really don't want him too. Honestly, I'm not normally this wet...



huckybuck said:


> (I have always said that if Mr HB and I ever split I have no doubt he would start a relationship with someone else...but after 6 months and the novelty wore off he would suddenly realise what he had and want to come back. Sadly that would be too late for me)


This is exactly what I think will happen.

I don't think he realises how good we are together and that the grass looks greener somehow. I think he might be in for a shock.



huckybuck said:


> Sending you a massive hug and please know we are all supporting you 24/7 xxxx


Thank you xx


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## huckybuck (Jan 17, 2014)

MilleD said:


> I wouldn't want to get anything anyway. Just my stuff.


If you have been contributing towards the mortgage or bills or anything else for the14 years I would mention it to him and hope he has the decency to give you something towards moving out and starting afresh.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

huckybuck said:


> If you have been contributing towards the mortgage or bills or anything else for the14 years I would mention it to him and hope he has the decency to give you something towards moving out and starting afresh.


£360 per month for 13 years 

I consider that gone and spent though.


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## huckybuck (Jan 17, 2014)

MilleD said:


> This is exactly what I think will happen.
> I don't think he realises how good we are together and that the grass looks greener somehow. I think he might be in for a shock.


Good. Keep this thought with you and try to be strong.

It may be that he needs to be without you for him to realise this, so hard as it is I do think you should let him go. Just make sure you really think if he's what you want when he comes crawling back....


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

huckybuck said:


> If you have been contributing towards the mortgage or bills or anything else for the14 years I would mention it to him and hope he has the decency to give you something towards moving out and starting afresh.


Loving your cats on glass pics by the way


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## huckybuck (Jan 17, 2014)

MilleD said:


> £360 per month for 13 years
> 
> I consider that gone and spent though.


That is over £50,000 you have invested. Please point this out and ask for something lovely.


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## Matrod (Dec 22, 2014)

I'm so sorry you're going through this @MilleD  I've got no practical advice to offer but I'm here if you ever need to offload x


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

huckybuck said:


> That is over £50,000 you have invested. Please point this out and ask for something lovely.


Ach, it's only money....


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Matrod said:


> I'm so sorry you're going through this @MilleD  I've got no practical advice to offer but I'm here if you ever need to offload x


Thanks Matrod x


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

huckybuck said:


> That is over £50,000 you have invested. Please point this out and ask for something lovely.


It's the years I'm going to miss more I think.


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## Jannor (Oct 26, 2013)

So sorry you have to go through this ... but I do agree with what others have said about taking a little control by taking legal advice. Even if you don't act on it at least he will see he isn't going to have it all his own way and it might make him think more about what he is actually doing.

But I know that's easily said and difficult to do when you are devastated. What did you sister think? I do hope you can keep talking to her/them.


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## Summercat (Oct 8, 2017)

I dunno, if some of that £360 was towards the mortgage and you assumed you were investing in a future property to have together; you may be entitled to all or some back. 

Grief had stages and the first if I recall correctly is denial. Once things progress, you will likely hit angry.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Jannor said:


> So sorry you have to go through this ... but I do agree with what others have said about taking a little control by taking legal advice. Even if you don't act on it at least he will see he isn't going to have it all his own way and it might make him think more about what he is actually doing.
> 
> But I know that's easily said and difficult to do when you are devastated. What did you sister think? I do hope you can keep talking to her/them.


My one sister has never really liked him. Ironic (there's a lot of ironics on this thread!) as I met him at a retirement do from someone she worked with, I was there as her 'plus 1' as her hubby was busy.


----------



## kimthecat (Aug 11, 2009)

MilleD said:


> Two out of my three sisters know what's going on. I went for a walk with one of them yesterday as she was talking her dog out. I just don't feel comfortable forcing my patheticness on them all the time, although I'm sure they wouldn't mind. I know I'm spending too much time by myself.
> .


 That's what sisters are for. You're not being pathetic .


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Summercat said:


> I dunno, if some of that £360 was towards the mortgage and you assumed you were investing in a future property to have together; you may be entitled to all or some back.
> 
> Grief had stages and the first if I recall correctly is denial. Once things progress, you will likely hit angry.


Some of it was towards the mortgage. But I really don't want to go that route though.

Legal help for the joint owned stuff would be useful though.

Another reason why he is probably keeping me sweet is that he paid more into the jointly owned properties than I did, but we have 50/50 share.

A little shortsighted of him if he was going to dump me. We only bought the second one last November. Surely this hasn't all come on since then.

I suppose looking at it like that, it makes it more likely that there is someone else.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

kimthecat said:


> That's what sisters are for. You're not being pathetic .


I really am a little bit. I keep telling myself to pull myself together, but then I think about something else and it all comes crashing down again.

I think I'm finding it hard to get past the wasted time.


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## huckybuck (Jan 17, 2014)

Summercat said:


> I dunno, if some of that £360 was towards the mortgage and you assumed you were investing in a future property to have together; you may be entitled to all or some back.
> 
> Grief had stages and the first if I recall correctly is denial. Once things progress, you will likely hit angry.


I think it is simply left to good will on his part unfortunately. 
I hope she gets angry soon.


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## Shrike (Jun 25, 2015)

MilleD said:


> Ach, it's only money....


Yes, but it's your money and you must check with solicitors as to how much of it you should expect back. Sadly it does sound from your opening post that he has already made up his mind, but it should be worth trying for some sort of mediation rather than just chucking away 13 years. 
Don't beat yourself up about how you are feeling at the moment - he has blindsided you with this, whilst he has probably been mulling it over for months. 
Best wishes.


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## Jannor (Oct 26, 2013)

It does sound odd. Even if he has met someone you think it was after November, so to do this now? All seems a bit sudden to me.


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## huckybuck (Jan 17, 2014)

I am very glad you have 50/50 shares hun. 

Would it be easy to take one property each? Or will you simply share the rental income? I definitely think you need legal advice for this.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

huckybuck said:


> I think it is simply left to good will on his part unfortunately.
> I hope she gets angry soon.


I don't want to scare the cats :Rage


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Shrike said:


> Yes, but it's your money and you must check with solicitors as to how much of it you should expect back. Sadly it does sound from your opening post that he has already made up his mind, but it should be worth trying for some sort of mediation rather than just chucking away 13 years.
> Don't beat yourself up about how you are feeling at the moment - he has blindsided you with this, whilst he has probably been mulling it over for months.
> Best wishes.


Perhaps he has, who knows? I just know I certainly wasn't expecting it. I might mention mediation but I do suspect I won't get anywhere.

Ps, just turned my Cat Chat calendar over to February, so Brooke (I think it's her) has just disappeared


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

huckybuck said:


> I am very glad you have 50/50 shares hun.
> 
> Would it be easy to take one property each? Or will you simply share the rental income? I definitely think you need legal advice for this.


They are worth pretty different amounts and one is a flat with ground rent and service charge so it's not quite so simple as that.

When I mentioned having to sell one of the properties to get my money back, he seemed quite surprised and asked me why. He just assumed we would stay renting them out. I'm not sure if that would work, I suppose I'd have to see how it goes.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Jannor said:


> It does sound odd. Even if he has met someone you think it was after November, so to do this now? All seems a bit sudden to me.


I know right? If he wasn't happy, why buy the second place - particularly at 50/50 when he put more money in. Maybe the extra money is just my £360 a month being recycled :Shifty


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## Shrike (Jun 25, 2015)

MilleD said:


> Perhaps he has, who knows? I just know I certainly wasn't expecting it. I might mention mediation but I do suspect I won't get anywhere.
> 
> Ps, just turned my Cat Chat calendar over to February, so Brooke (I think it's her) has just disappeared


I suspect you're right that in his mind its gone past fixing - but it would be a shame if it really is just a bit of a mid-life crisis that could be sorted out with a bit of effort.
Do you know if any of his mates has recently become single and maybe he's enviously eyeing the bachelor life without considering the downside?
(Yes it is Brooke - I thought the same yesterday but I do get to see her everyday!)


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## huckybuck (Jan 17, 2014)

You can always get angry on here!!

If you don't immediately need the money from the property and you can stay amicable and you trust him then you could still keep them in both names though I would see where you stand if at any stage you want to sell and he doesn't etc etc. I often think in situations like this it's easy to split everything upfront so that there are no ties. 

Thinking out loud - if one property is more than the other could you negotiate what you have put in to his house every month as part of a deal? 
So you end up with the more expensive one perhaps. 

Either way you definitely need a bit of advice on this.


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## Jannor (Oct 26, 2013)

MilleD said:


> They are worth pretty different amounts and one is a flat with ground rent and service charge so it's not quite so simple as that.
> 
> When I mentioned having to sell one of the properties to get my money back, *he seemed quite surprised and asked me why. He just assumed we would stay renting them out. * I'm not sure if that would work, I suppose I'd have to see how it goes.


So he's not thought anything out .... I'd make it clear it would be a complete break if you split. Hopefully that will get him thinking clearly about consequences.


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## Guest (Feb 2, 2018)

I am so sorry about the art work!! Very embarrassing. If it cheers you up just slightly it will be worth the embarrassment


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## Summercat (Oct 8, 2017)

If he put a bit more into the joint properties then that probably balances out with you helping out on the mortgage on the other.

When did he bring the cats from the woman at the bar, was it long ago?


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## huckybuck (Jan 17, 2014)

MilleD said:


> I know right? If he wasn't happy, why buy the second place - particularly at 50/50 when he put more money in. Maybe the extra money is just my £360 a month being recycled :Shifty


I don't think men think of the consequences but they do think with their trousers.

Totally speculating and I'm sorry if it's not helpful but perhaps he was getting away with something for a while and thought he could carry on, keeping you happily ignorant- only he's now been given an ultimatum?


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## huckybuck (Jan 17, 2014)

MilleD said:


> When I mentioned having to sell one of the properties to get my money back, he seemed quite surprised and asked me why. He just assumed we would stay renting them out. I'm not sure if that would work, I suppose I'd have to see how it goes.


So he could easily have bought with you (with something going on) thinking well whatever happens we will just keep on sharing the rent?


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Shrike said:


> I suspect you're right that in his mind its gone past fixing - but it would be a shame if it really is just a bit of a mid-life crisis that could be sorted out with a bit of effort.
> Do you know if any of his mates has recently become single and maybe he's enviously eyeing the bachelor life without considering the downside?
> (Yes it is Brooke - I thought the same yesterday but I do get to see her everyday!)


He does hang around with a mate that is an eternal bachelor (with women on the side when it suits him), but it's nothing new. I can't think of anyone else that would have put something in his head.

And the thing is, I've never questioned when he wants to go out or anything. He goes on lads holidays to Benidorm with the same group every year.

In fact, he probably lives just about a bachelor lifestyle, with me as his live in maid and secretary (I just about run his business as he's self employed).

Wow, he even waited until I'd submitted his tax return to dump me. That's cold.

Gah! Still not angry enough, what's wrong with me.


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## Guest (Feb 2, 2018)

I was quite angry this morning (for valid reasons!) and I am not someone who easily gets angry at others, its very rare as I am more likely to get upset with myself. It’s empowering and necessary sometimes. I look forward to you going through the angry stage so you can get some power and control back!


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Summercat said:


> If he put a bit more into the joint properties then that probably balances out with you helping out on the mortgage on the other.
> 
> When did he bring the cats from the woman at the bar, was it long ago?


January 2016 I think. My heads a bit mush at the mo.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

huckybuck said:


> I don't think men think of the consequences but they do think with their trousers.
> 
> Totally speculating and I'm sorry if it's not helpful but perhaps he was getting away with something for a while and thought he could carry on, keeping you happily ignorant- only he's now been given an ultimatum?


Maybe that's the case.

If so, he must think I'm an idiot. And I'm anything but.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

whompingwillow said:


> I am so sorry about the art work!! Very embarrassing. If it cheers you up just slightly it will be worth the embarrassment
> View attachment 343995


Ah ha ha ha ha.

Thank you  I love it xx


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## huckybuck (Jan 17, 2014)

MilleD said:


> He does hang around with a mate that is an eternal bachelor (with women on the side when it suits him), but it's nothing new. I can't think of anyone else that would have put something in his head.
> 
> And the thing is, I've never questioned when he wants to go out or anything. He goes on lads holidays to Benidorm with the same group every year.
> 
> ...


Well I am furious on your behalf. 
The sooner you get angry the better.


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## Summercat (Oct 8, 2017)

Thanks, I was just wondering if it was recent, as you said you had been home and he going out to the bar by himself lately.
My thought was maybe there was a connection, a dude taking on two extra cats, even if he likes cats seems a bit unusual. Though I imagine most of the care is by you.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

huckybuck said:


> So he could easily have bought with you (with something going on) thinking well whatever happens we will just keep on sharing the rent?


I guess so, yes.

He does hit some of the triggers for being a psychopath in the nicest possible way if you see what I mean, so maybe he thought he was doing nothing wrong.

(Now you will think I'm living with a mad ax murderer! Although he does own rather a lot of chainsaws )


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

huckybuck said:


> Well I am furious on your behalf.
> The sooner you get angry the better.


Thank you HB xx


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## ChaosCat (Dec 7, 2017)

MilleD said:


> Wow, he even waited until I'd submitted his tax return to dump me.


That's rich! Don't let him get away with any penny more than his due.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Summercat said:


> Thanks, I was just wondering if it was recent, as you said you had been home and he going out to the bar by himself lately.
> My thought was maybe there was a connection, a dude taking on two extra cats, even if he likes cats seems a bit unusual. Though I imagine most of the care is by you.


Yes, I am the main cat care giver. I don't think he knows what a litter tray is, so that's one thing that won't change...


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## Summercat (Oct 8, 2017)

Chainsaws where do you live and why chainsaws? Do you cut your own firewood? I know people who still have wood burning stoves in the country.


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## Jannor (Oct 26, 2013)

I think you do need to find out for sure if there is someone else involved. Can you just ask him? You can probably tell if he's lying after that long together. 

You might not want to know but I think you need to


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Summercat said:


> Chainsaws where do you live and why chainsaws? Do you cut your own firewood? I know people who still have wood burning stoves in the country.


He's a tree surgeon


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Jannor said:


> I think you do need to find out for sure if there is someone else involved. Can you just ask him? You can probably tell if he's lying after that long together.
> 
> You might not want to know but I think you need to


I have asked, and he says not. But I'm beginning to think that's possibly not the case.


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## Summercat (Oct 8, 2017)

Ah ok:Shy


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## Summercat (Oct 8, 2017)

As was said, men are often cowards about this, he might not tell you the truth if there was someone else. 
Did his behavior change at all in say the last year? That may be a clue.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Summercat said:


> Ah ok:Shy


 He does cut a lot of other people's firewood. We for some reason, having a free source of fuel, have an electric thing that we never use.


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## Jannor (Oct 26, 2013)

MilleD said:


> I have asked, and he says not. But I'm beginning to think that's possibly not the case.


Any way to find out for sure?

Because if he is you need to go for the jugular (in my opinion)!
If he isn't then maybe it is his hormones and it's worth trying to work through.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Summercat said:


> As was said, men are often cowards about this, he might not tell you the truth if there was someone else.
> Did his behavior change at all in say the last year? That may be a clue.


That's the problem though, I starting staying at home more because of my neck, and he just carried on going out like we used to. So you could say it was my behaviour that changed really.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Jannor said:


> Any way to find out for sure?
> 
> Because if he is you need to go for the jugular (in my opinion)!
> If he isn't then maybe it is his hormones and it's worth trying to work through.


I could take up stalking? :Jawdrop


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## Jannor (Oct 26, 2013)

MilleD said:


> I could take up stalking? :Jawdrop


Nah, just spying 

Borrow a dog to walk ....


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## huckybuck (Jan 17, 2014)

MilleD said:


> I could take up stalking? :Jawdrop


If I lived near you I'd do it for you!!! Always fancied myself as Agatha Raisin!


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## Summercat (Oct 8, 2017)

Not by choice though your behavior changed. He could have accommodated you a bit more and still gone out but not as much.


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## Jannor (Oct 26, 2013)

Many years ago I did actually lend a friend my car because she suspected her boyfriend was seeing someone else and he would recognise her car ...


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Jannor said:


> Nah, just spying
> 
> Borrow a dog to walk ....


Nice plan. I can borrow the border terrier from across the road. And let the little old lady who owns him know what the ex has done as she thinks the sun shines out of his @rse


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

huckybuck said:


> If I lived near you I'd do it for you!!! Always fancied myself as Agatha Raisin!
> View attachment 343996


Brilliant! Ooh, I love a bit of sleuthing me.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Summercat said:


> Not by choice though your behavior changed. He could have accommodated you a bit more and still gone out but not as much.


That's what my sister's are saying to me. You and they are quite right.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Jannor said:


> Many years ago I did actually lend a friend my car because she suspected her boyfriend was seeing someone else and he would recognise her car ...


The subterfuge!

And was he??


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## Jannor (Oct 26, 2013)

Yep


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Jannor said:


> Yep


Oh


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## Jannor (Oct 26, 2013)

It ended but she met someone else and was fine. The hard part for her was suspecting but not knowing, it made her a nervous wreck. She was better once she knew what she was dealing with, even though it was bad 

You might feel the same once you're over the initial shock - it's all about stages.


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## CuddleMonster (Mar 9, 2016)

@MilleD PLEASE STOP BLAMING YOURSELF! It is NOT your fault, you are not wet or a doormat or pathetic or any of the other things you are calling yourself. You are grieving and in shock. It would be very odd if you weren't, so don't beat yourself up over it. Be gentle with yourself.

Unless you are going to hire a private detective, I think you may have to accept that you are not going to know if there is/was someone else. My ex-boyfriend was still insisting I was the only girl in the world for him until the week before his engagement announcement to someone else appeared in our local paper - a lot of men seem to think that if they ignore the problem, it will go away.

I would concentrate on dealing with the circumstances that you know. Ask him what, if anything, can be done to fix the relationship from his point of view - he is the one who has the problem so he should be able to tell you. Make it clear that if it ends, it is a clean break - no shared rental properties, no helping him out with his paperwork (and how much have you saved him in secretarial rates over the years?!) Write it down if you feel you can't stay calm enough to discuss it. Give him a deadline for an answer, because if this is over, as hard as it seems, the sooner you can make a clean break and start rebuilding your life, the better. And you can rebuild it. I know everything must seem really hopeless now, but you will survive this, you will heal and one day you will be happy again. Meanwhile, demand as much support from your friends as you need - that is what friends are for and if they are not prepared to be there for you, they're not much use.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

CuddleMonster said:


> @MilleD PLEASE STOP BLAMING YOURSELF! It is NOT your fault, you are not wet or a doormat or pathetic or any of the other things you are calling yourself. You are grieving and in shock. It would be very odd if you weren't, so don't beat yourself up over it. Be gentle with yourself.
> 
> Unless you are going to hire a private detective, I think you may have to accept that you are not going to know if there is/was someone else. My ex-boyfriend was still insisting I was the only girl in the world for him until the week before his engagement announcement to someone else appeared in our local paper - a lot of men seem to think that if they ignore the problem, it will go away.
> 
> I would concentrate on dealing with the circumstances that you know. Ask him what, if anything, can be done to fix the relationship from his point of view - he is the one who has the problem so he should be able to tell you. Make it clear that if it ends, it is a clean break - no shared rental properties, no helping him out with his paperwork (*and how much have you saved him in secretarial rates over the years?!*) Write it down if you feel you can't stay calm enough to discuss it. Give him a deadline for an answer, because if this is over, as hard as it seems, the sooner you can make a clean break and start rebuilding your life, the better. And you can rebuild it. I know everything must seem really hopeless now, but you will survive this, you will heal and one day you will be happy again. Meanwhile, demand as much support from your friends as you need - that is what friends are for and if they are not prepared to be there for you, they're not much use.


I'm very expensive, I'm a chartered accountant.

Wise words though. I will try to take them on board.


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## CuddleMonster (Mar 9, 2016)

MilleD said:


> I'm very expensive, I'm a chartered accountant.
> 
> Wise words though. I will try to take them on board.


Don't forget to factor that in then!


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

MilleD said:


> I'm very expensive, I'm a chartered accountant.
> 
> Wise words though. I will try to take them on board.


Edit to add - Disclaimer, I have now had a glass of wine.

And yes, I know I shouldn't bury my problems in alcohol...

You people of Cat Chat are so lovely xx (not the wine talking )


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## buffie (May 31, 2010)

I have no wise words of advice at all but didn't want to read and say nothing.
I hope this sad situation is resolved one way or another and that you find a way through it x


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## Summercat (Oct 8, 2017)

Enjoy your glass of wine:Cat

Take your time and when you feel up to it, take stock of what you have contributed financially and in accounting services etc over the years. 
Since you have properties in common, the issue of finances/money will likely come up at some point, so having things straight in your head will help.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

buffie said:


> I have no wise words of advice at all but didn't want to read and say nothing.
> I hope this sad situation is resolved one way or another and that you find a way through it x


Thanks buffie x


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## jill3 (Feb 18, 2009)

I am so sorry Mille for what you are going through. Good advice given from lots of people on here.
I hope you get the answers that you are looking for. Then at least you can decide what you want to do.
None of this is your fault. Enjoy your wine. xx


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Summercat said:


> Enjoy your glass of wine:Cat
> 
> Take your time and when you feel up to it, take stock of what you have contributed financially and in accounting services etc over the years.
> Since you have properties in common, the issue of finances/money will likely come up at some point, so having things straight in your head will help.


You guys are all so practical. I was just going to go round the house with post it notes with 'mine' written on them 

I would then feel like the Cat from Red Dwarf. And all would be good.

Yeah, wine on no food is not good folks. Can someone bar me from posting


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## Summercat (Oct 8, 2017)

Order a delivery, pizza, Indian, Chinese or such, treat yourself:Cat


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## CuddleMonster (Mar 9, 2016)

MilleD said:


> Yeah, wine on no food is not good folks. Can someone bar me from posting


I have a much easier solution. Eat cake. Or chocolate. Or both. Preferably both. In circumstances like these, it is medicinal. And also solves the 'wine on no food' problem.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

CuddleMonster said:


> I have a much easier solution. Eat cake. Or chocolate. Or both. Preferably both. In circumstances like these, it is medicinal. And also solves the 'wine on no food' problem.


Does anyone deliver cake and chocolate? Like tonight - not in 3 days like the ruddy supermarkets.

Oh dear, the wine monster. And my ex will be 'home' soon...

Maybe I could hide in a wardrobe 

And find Narnia...


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## Guest (Feb 2, 2018)

Sometimes there’s a light at the end of the bottle

I have to say I wish I delivered chocolate and cake right now. I am sure you could get a slice of chocolate cake delivery. Uber eats?!

Oh wouldnt a narnia wardrobe be amazing! I have often wished that.


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## ChaosCat (Dec 7, 2017)

No need to hide, enjoy your wine. Might losen you up to meet your lovely ex more relaxed than you could otherwise be.


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## Jannor (Oct 26, 2013)

oh god, this is reminding me of a work colleague who was a Chartered Accountant, again years ago now. She'd lived with her partner for 11 years and he just met her outside the office one night with his bags packed and said he'd met someone else and had left her! The poor girl hadn't suspected anything and was a complete wreck and when she said she was struggling to sleep a few days later I told her to try Night Nurse, meaning for a few nights. Turned out she was still using it 6 months later!


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

whompingwillow said:


> Sometimes there's a light at the end of the bottle
> 
> I have to say I wish I delivered chocolate and cake right now. I am sure you could get a slice of chocolate cake delivery. Uber eats?!
> 
> Oh wouldnt a narnia wardrobe be amazing! I have often wished that.


So have I. I used to dream I knew Aslan :Joyful

I don't think we even have normal Uber around these parts. We are a little rural


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Jannor said:


> oh god, this is reminding me of a work colleague who was a Chartered Accountant, again years ago now. She'd lived with her partner for 11 years and he just met her outside the office one night with his bags packed and said he'd met someone else and had left her! The poor girl hadn't suspected anything and was a complete wreck and when she said she was struggling to sleep a few days later I told her to try Night Nurse, meaning for a few nights. Turned out she was still using it 6 months later!


Against all the odds we are a little dumb aren't we?


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

He's just popped home before going for a drink with his opo.

Was very excited because we have new carpets today in the place we bought in November so can let it soon.

Said we should get a bottle of champagne. What the hell??


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## Jannor (Oct 26, 2013)

MilleD said:


> He's just popped home before going for a drink with his opo.
> 
> Was very excited because we have new carpets today in the place we bought in November so can let it soon.
> 
> Said we should get a bottle of champagne. What the hell??


Baffling ... does he remember he said he thinks you should split up?


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Jannor said:


> Baffling ... does he remember he said he thinks you should split up?


Erm, unsure. I think so!

Maybe he's gaslighting me.


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## ChaosCat (Dec 7, 2017)

Split and continue as if nothing happened? I guess he needs a little cold shouldering to understand it’s not quite the way this works.


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## Summercat (Oct 8, 2017)

That's kind of odd:Bear if he is acting cheerful, that would make me more suspicious but then I tend to be cynical...
I would be looking for a life insurance policy with my name on it or newspaper articles that show gold has been discovered under the block of flats you co own a flat in....​


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## Guest (Feb 2, 2018)

Please please please keep checking in with people so you dont go giving him too much power. Make him feel uncomfortable if you can manage it


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Summercat said:


> That's kind of odd:Bear if he is acting cheerful, that would make me more suspicious but then I tend to be cynical...
> I would be looking for a life insurance policy with my name on it or newspaper articles that show gold has been discovered under the block of flats you co own a flat in....​


I'm worth around £160k dead just with my work's cover.

Not to mention all the property. Hang on, are we in top her for the money territory? Surely not.

He does own a crossbow. I bought it him for Christmas last year....


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## jill3 (Feb 18, 2009)

MilleD said:


> Erm, unsure. I think so!
> 
> Maybe he's gaslighting me.


I think he is messing about with your head. You have been in bits all Day darling and he must know that. Now he has gone off to the pub!!


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## jill3 (Feb 18, 2009)

ChaosCat said:


> Split and continue as if nothing happened? I guess he needs a little cold shouldering to understand it's not quite the way this works.


I think you have got it in one there!


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

whompingwillow said:


> Please please please keep checking in with people so you dont go giving him too much power. Make him feel uncomfortable if you can manage it


I will. I'm in constant contact with the two sisters who know. And a guy from work. They are the only people I've told as (get this) I didn't want people to think badly of him.

Jeez, what has happened to me.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

jill3 said:


> I think he is messing about with your head. You have been in bits all Day darling and he must know that. Now he has gone off to the pub!!


Yeah, I know. Time to move me and the cats.

Trouble is, the house I own is close to a main road (well through a small ish suburb but busy) so I will need to move them and then make them house cats. It's going to be carnage!


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## Soozi (Jun 28, 2013)

He sounds a bit of a nut job Hun! what weird behaviour! :Jawdrop


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## Charity (Apr 17, 2013)

Men drop these clangers on us then they carry on as if nothing has happened. If I were you I would go out so you're not there when he gets back.


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## Summercat (Oct 8, 2017)

@MilleD 
I don't know, I just would think something was up if I was in that situation and the guy was acting happy. Maybe not topping you but something up, I was trying for humor :Cat. Again I am cynical so may just be my suspicious mind. Keep an eye out for who wins the local or national lottery


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Summercat said:


> @MilleD
> I don't know, I just would think something was up if I was in that situation and the guy was acting happy. Maybe not topping you but something up, I was trying for humor :Cat. Again I am cynical so may just be my suspicious mind. Keep an eye out for who wins the local or national lottery


That's ok, I got that you were being humorous 

Don't get me wrong. He's being far more attentive than usual, which has my bullshit detector going overtime


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Charity said:


> Men drop these clangers on us then they carry on as if nothing has happened. If I were you I would go out so you're not there when he gets back.


See that's where the bloody wine scuppers me again.

I could walk to the local, but I look like a zombie so they probably wouldn't serve me


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## Summercat (Oct 8, 2017)

Eat something so you don’t feel too yuck tomorrow. When I want to take my mind off something, I get lost in a series on Netflicks. Last night, as I have had the flu I watched series one of The Returned.


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## moggie14 (Sep 11, 2013)

I've been at work all day and just read your whole thread @MilleD 
I'm sorry you are having such a s**t time, men eh? 
So pleased to see Cat Chat at it's best, rallying around with some great support. I'd like to offer mine too, hang in there hun xx


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

moggie14 said:


> I've been at work all day and just read your whole thread @MilleD
> I'm sorry you are having such a s**t time, men eh?
> So pleased to see Cat Chat at it's best, rallying around with some great support. I'd like to offer mine too, hang in there hun xx


Thank you x


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## Jaf (Apr 17, 2014)

I think you’re being really calm about him. Probably best in the long run for your sanity. But maybe a good shout when he gets back would clear things up a bit? You could “forget” what you said in the morning, blame the wine!


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## bluecordelia (Jan 5, 2014)

Hi I have just speed read the thread. As a ern woman with a bit of experience in this things I would say don’t move out. Tough but if you go you loose a lever. Play dirty but don’t let him know. Get copies of bank account statements etc. Your rented out house isn’t your main property so I guess it’s income goes into your joint unearned income pot. All to be divvied up by a solicitor taking into account 50/50 ownership and outstanding mortgages. Your house you live in now ie your home you have contributed to . Are any bills in your name? 

I know you might want to leave to get away but stuff him for his new life. There will be some tart in the pub. Don’t go for her please. Go for him. Don’t loose your dignity and flatten anyone. You need to box clever. Yes you can do a scene in a pub but it won’t get you allies and sympathy. 
Presume there is another woman. Most men run to another. Sorry I hope this isn’t too painful but I am in the silent but revenge camp. Act a bit daft and play the long game . Most men need basics like clean socks and undies and once the new bit of fluff realises she has to pick up his dirty undies the romance ends. I wouldn’t suggest whether you want him back or not only you can decide that one. 

He will have mentioned her somewhere. A man I wasted my 30s on met an older (than me) woman on a plane. She had a fab job and he was a CEO. Git ended up with her and bought a house with her.He crawled back as unfortunately she died. I played the long game. He had told me about her in passing. I ended up in my late 30,s with nothing and a realisation that I had wasted time which rather than money was more valuable but money blinking would have helped. 

I hope I don’t sound a bitter harder faced so and so but I hate to see people upset. Believe that you will come out better although it doesn’t feel like this at the moment xxxx


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## SbanR (Jun 16, 2017)

Just read through your thread @MilleD . I'm sorry your having to go through this. The guy's a b******. Wants to have his cake n eat it. GIVE HIM HELL. Make it clear it'll be a clean break. Don't expect you to keep house for him or do his books (well, if he wants you to, you'll do his books but he can expect your bill!).
Look after yourself. A big hug from me


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## Purplecatlover (Mar 12, 2017)

I hope you’re okay, I’m so sorry your going through this 

sending lots of hugs and best wishes.

It’s okay to be sad, it’s okay to be angry but please don’t blame yourself, let your self be sad and take your time. Keep your self busy - stay strong, take your time and rant and rave to us lot! It’s what we’re here for!!! xxx

If you NEED anything then just Let us know xxx


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## huckybuck (Jan 17, 2014)

MilleD said:


> Yeah, I know. Time to move me and the cats.
> 
> Trouble is, the house I own is close to a main road (well through a small ish suburb but busy) so I will need to move them and then make them house cats. It's going to be carnage!


You will make it work. 
You'd have to keep them in for a while if you move anyhow. 
You know all the tricks and hopefully in the longer term may be able to cat proof.


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## huckybuck (Jan 17, 2014)

MilleD said:


> He's just popped home before going for a drink with his opo.





jill3 said:


> Now he has gone off to the pub!!


Unbelievable and a coward to boot. 
Be in bed when he gets back and leave a note to tell him to sleep in the spare room or on the sofa.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

huckybuck said:


> You will make it work.
> You'd have to keep them in for a while if you move anyhow.
> You know all the tricks and hopefully in the longer term may be able to cat proof.


You're probably right.

It's a really long grassy space which I don't have hear so maybe I can work on that.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

huckybuck said:


> Unbelievable and a coward to boot.
> Be in bed when he gets back and leave a note to tell him to sleep in the spare room or on the sofa.


No, not quite so simple.

I tried to break the lock on his phone whilst he was in the shower and found whats app messages to the slag I though he was seeing before chrsitmas about the new carpets in the flat.

I think I may have gone a bit crazy. He basically threatened me with taking half off him and said that wasn't happeneing. And I have a massive bruise/lump on my leg where I kicked the loft ladder.

Pretty sure he wasn't happy about this. Sadly I think this may be a bit of a journal in case the police have to be involved.


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## Soozi (Jun 28, 2013)

If this all happened tonight love and you’ve been drinking please be careful.


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## huckybuck (Jan 17, 2014)

Are you ok physically? I am assuming and hoping he didn’t hurt you? 

Well unfortunately it seems you have the answer to what’s really been happening. 

Have you anyone who could come round and stay with you tonight?

Do you think he will come home tonight or stay somewhere else? Perhaps it might be an idea to tell him not to come home until tomorrow when you have both calmed down.

All the stuff about splitting assets etc can be dealt with when you are both calmer and not as angry. It may well be wise to keep the peace for the moment (but equally not agree to anything at this stage) and seek a bit of advice next week.


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## Calvine (Aug 20, 2012)

MilleD said:


> Maybe he's gaslighting me.


Yes . . . just watch yourself if the lights start to go dim and remember _ that it's not because you're pi**ed. He's up there tampering with the supply!!_ Is he really wanting to celebrate the new carpets/house rental with a bottle of champagne? I find that unusual to say the least. I also find it very odd that he would increase the number of cats in the house by two then complain about the cat 'furniture'.


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## Calvine (Aug 20, 2012)

bluecordelia said:


> There will be some tart in the pub.


Possibly the one he got the two cats from? Who knows?


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## Jonescat (Feb 5, 2012)

Oh my. This is from citizens advice:
********************************************************************
*Housing rights at the end of a relationship*
At the end of your relationship, a court can give you or your partner rights to the home, for example:-

the right to stay in your home
the right to come back home to get your things
the right to stop your partner from coming into the home.
If your partner has been violent to you, you might need help to make sure you are safe in your home, or have a safe place to stay and the housing rights of the violent person may be temporarily set aside whether s/he is the sole owner or tenant or not.

For more information about help you can get if your partner has been violent to you, see Domestic abuse.

If you are thinking of going to court about your housing rights after the breakdown of your relationship, you should consult an experienced adviser, for example, a family law solicitor or at a Citizens Advice Bureau - where to get advice.
********************************************************************************

Please get advice. Women often want to be nice, fair and liked, and don't ask for what they are entitled to, listen to a professional advisor and make sure you get what you are entilted to. And keep the cats, He doesn't deserve them, and you most definitely do.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Calvine said:


> Possibly the one he got the two cats from? Who knows?


No definitely not her.

Tonight has been a bit strange. He's sill saying there is nothing going on with the person I assumed there was. - Stuff in his phone.

Bit of a mess if I'm honest. Apparently I'm naughty to be breaking codes when I'm not with him any more, but I just fancied a little bit of truth.

Whoops. Never mind xx


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Jonescat said:


> Please get advice. Women often want to be nice, fair and liked, and don't ask for what they are entitled to, listen to a professional advisor and make sure you get what you are entilted to. And keep the cats, He doesn't deserve them, and you most definitely do.


Don't worry, the cats will be with me.

Unfortnutately it's closer to a main road so they will have to be indoors but that's ok.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

bluecordelia said:


> I know you might want to leave to get away but stuff him for his new life. There will be some tart in the pub. Don't go for her please. Go for him. Don't loose your dignity and flatten anyone. You need to box clever. Yes you can do a scene in a pub but it won't get you allies and sympathy.


I absolutely don't think that going for her is the clever option. A lot of women go for the women involved, but to me it's absolutely about him and me. Not her.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

And I have a massive lump on my leg where I kicked the loft ladder in anger and now got a huge lump .

Ouch..


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## AmsMam (Nov 25, 2014)

MilleD said:


> Apparently I'm naughty to be breaking codes when I'm not with him any more, but I just fancied a little bit of truth.


Classic blame shifting. Make you the bad guy so he can keep telling himself he's done nothing wrong. 

Two wrongs don't make a right, but you deserve to know what's going on.

Take care of yourself.


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## bluecordelia (Jan 5, 2014)

I just wanted you to look after yourself. I hope it read that you need to concentrate your energy on getting what is best for you. 

Yes you are 100% that it’s about you and him. You have told him what you think and had a look at his phone. 

Keep your head up, wine put away and start planning. Xx


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## huckybuck (Jan 17, 2014)

Well having codes on phones when you are in a relationship is just as naughty in my eyes!! 

It drives me insane not being able to crack Mr HBs (I think he keeps changing it) but I will get there eventually...only been trying for 2 years now lol!!


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## GingerNinja (Mar 23, 2014)

I'm sorry you are going through this mess. 

Unfortunately I've been there, got the tee shirt! Please take advice regarding money because I left with practically nothing and a 20 month old baby. It was also hard living in a one bed flat and sleeping with a carving knife under my pillow (but I digress!) I left for my sanity, although not sure that worked! 

My advice would be to try and stay calm but look out for yourself, do not try and be " fair" because you will ultimately find out that he will not have the same standards as you.
If you're like me then I don't think there is any going back to a relationship as you will never trust him again but you may be a bigger person than I was.
Most importantly know that nothing about this was your fault, do not take blame for his weaknesses. Take care xx


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

GingerNinja said:


> I'm sorry you are going through this mess.
> 
> Unfortunately I've been there, got the tee shirt! Please take advice regarding money because I left with practically nothing and a 20 month old baby. It was also hard living in a one bed flat and sleeping with a carving knife under my pillow (but I digress!) I left for my sanity, although not sure that worked!
> 
> ...


I do wonder if the fact I've never been able to conceive is an issue. I know the person that he has supposedly been active at the end of last year is a lot younger than me and probably doesn't have the issues I have. He's never told me that it's an issue but maybe he wants to have an issue. x if that's the case then there may be firey stuff in the offing xx


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

GingerNinja said:


> I'm sorry you are going through this mess.
> 
> Unfortunately I've been there, got the tee shirt! Please take advice regarding money because I left with practically nothing and a 20 month old baby. It was also hard living in a one bed flat and sleeping with a carving knife under my pillow (but I digress!) I left for my sanity, although not sure that worked!
> 
> ...


I've re-read what wrote and think that maybe you are wrong about not being able to go back - I think you are correct xxxx


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

GingerNinja said:


> I'm sorry you are going through this mess.
> 
> Unfortunately I've been there, got the tee shirt! Please take advice regarding money because I left with practically nothing and a 20 month old baby. It was also hard living in a one bed flat and sleeping with a carving knife under my pillow (but I digress!) I left for my sanity, although not sure that worked!
> 
> ...


Jeez, you make me feel what I have to do is fairly easy. I only have me and 4 cats to deal with. No children. xx


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## chillminx (Nov 22, 2010)

MilleD said:


> I do wonder if the fact I've never been able to conceive is an issue. I know the person that he has supposedly been active at the end of last year is a lot younger than me and probably doesn't have the issues I have. He's never told me that it's an issue but maybe he wants to have an issue. x if that's the case then there may be firey stuff in the offing xx


Has he ever actually said he would like to be a dad? My experience is that some men are very undecided about it, because of the responsibility involved. I wasted my 20's and early 30's on a man like that! 

The fact you haven't conceived could be down to him anyway, not you.


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## Citruspips (Jul 6, 2011)

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I think @bluecordelia gave some good advice just quietly make your situation secure photograph bills, possessions, bank statements etc and don't assume that you need to leave. If it bothers him you being there, I'd say that's just tough it's your home as well. XX


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## huckybuck (Jan 17, 2014)

Hmm if a man leaves you because you can’t have children??? Rather be with someone who loves YOU (and kids a bonus if you can) but ultimately you come first.

My Mum once said to me Mr HB will leave you if you don’t hurry up and give him a child.. I said to her if he is only with me because he wants me to have his babies then he can leave me with pleasure. I want to be with someone who wants me for me.

ETA and they have to be prepared to have cats, and cat stuff....oh gosh don’t get me started on the cat stuff....what on earth would his view be on kid stuff all over the place?????


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

chillminx said:


> Has he ever actually said he would like to be a dad? My experience is that some men are very undecided about it, because of the responsibility involved. I wasted my 20's and early 30's on a man like that!
> 
> The fact you haven't conceived could be down to him anyway, not you.


No he's never said he wants to be a dad in so many words.Or even hinted really.

Yes it could I know xx


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

chillminx said:


> Has he ever actually said he would like to be a dad? My experience is that some men are very undecided about it, because of the responsibility involved. I wasted my 20's and early 30's on a man like that!
> 
> The fact you haven't conceived could be down to him anyway, not you.


He has never said it's important.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

bluecordelia said:


> I just wanted you to look after yourself. I hope it read that you need to concentrate your energy on getting what is best for you.
> 
> Yes you are 100% that it's about you and him. You have told him what you think and had a look at his phone.
> 
> Keep your head up, wine put away and start planning. Xx


He was very annoyed at me that I'd discovered something.

Yelled that I don't have the right. Which is fair enough, I don't any more, but was hoping I would still have a **gopping** detail xx


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## catcoonz (Aug 4, 2012)

Sorry you are going through all this. Iv'e been there and you can play this 2 ways.
Why are you thinking of moving out with the cats, surely if he is not happy, he should move. I may have missed circumstances posted why you are moving, but i honestly think you should play this cool and calm.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

catcoonz said:


> Sorry you are going through all this. Iv'e been there and you can play this 2 ways.
> Why are you thinking of moving out with the cats, surely if he is not happy, he should move. I may have missed circumstances posted why you are moving, but i honestly think you should play this cool and calm.


Because it's his house essentially. I need to evict a tenant so I can move back into my house x


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## ChaosCat (Dec 7, 2017)

Good morning Mille,
I hope you got some sleep. You need your wits about you now. I agree with bluecordelia and Citruspips. You need a cool head now to collect all evidence to what is yours and what you have contributed to the relationship- be it in deeds or solids.
Keep him at a distance as much as you can. Better not have too many discussions, just show him clearly that you’re not impressed.

You owe it to yourself to keep the upper hand and be cool and efficient about it all- at least outwardly.


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## Paddypaws (May 4, 2010)

@MilleD I am so sorry to hear you are in this awful situation.
As regards your own property....I am sure you know that it's not necessarily easy to evict a tenant. You need to serve a section 21 but only after you have carefully checked that all the pre-requisites are in place with Deposit etc. Section 21 gives 2 months to quit but tenant does not always leave at end of that 2 months and then you need to go to court for a possession order. The whole process can take 6 months or so.


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## Calvine (Aug 20, 2012)

whompingwillow said:


> Sometimes there's a light at the end of the bottle


Hahahaha! Made me laugh!


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## Calvine (Aug 20, 2012)

MilleD said:


> Hang on, are we in top her for the money territory?


Well, you know what? Some years back, I got a phone call from a friend of mine who described in detail her (then) husband's behaviour which was strange and not dissimilar to the behaviour you describe. A few days later she also sent me a letter reiterating her suspicions, and requesting that I keep this letter safe and ''in the event of her untimely demise'' should produce it (like a magician with a rabbit from a hat!) and hand it to the appropriate authorities. She was so serious that she got a friend to sign that the signature was, in fact, hers.
Saying that, she was a bit of a drama queen, and @MilleD comes over as down to earth and sensible.
PS: He never did snuff her but she booted him out just to be on the safe side!


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## Tigermoon (Apr 2, 2013)

Some rather interesting replies so far ...

I'm my limited experience, once someone had decided the relationship is over, its over, regardless of the reasons why.

Your best bet now is to seek proper advice regarding your assets. Citizens advice will help you and of course you can go to a solicitor who deals with relationship breakdowns. 

If you can keep the spilt amicable it is a lot easier for all concerned. I know people who have divorced but remained friends afterwards (admittedly rare and probably depends on why they split).


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Paddypaws said:


> @MilleD I am so sorry to hear you are in this awful situation.
> As regards your own property....I am sure you know that it's not necessarily easy to evict a tenant. You need to serve a section 21 but only after you have carefully checked that all the pre-requisites are in place with Deposit etc. Section 21 gives 2 months to quit but tenant does not always leave at end of that 2 months and then you need to go to court for a possession order. The whole process can take 6 months or so.


I know. We had a bit of an issue last year where the tenant got hauled off to jail and he had a few money issues so I let him off a month's rent when he came out - he broke a bail condition to do with his ex girlfriend.

He was really grateful about how I'd treated him so I think if I served the 2 month's notice he would look for somewhere else.

Deposits are protected etc so all that is in place.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Calvine said:


> Well, you know what? Some years back, I got a phone call from a friend of mine who described in detail her (then) husband's behaviour which was strange and not dissimilar to the behaviour you describe. A few days later she also sent me a letter reiterating her suspicions, and requesting that I keep this letter safe and ''in the event of her untimely demise'' should produce it (like a magician with a rabbit from a hat!) and hand it to the appropriate authorities. She was so serious that she got a friend to sign that the signature was, in fact, hers.
> Saying that, she was a bit of a drama queen, and @MilleD comes over as down to earth and sensible.
> PS: He never did snuff her but she booted him out just to be on the safe side!


Yeah, I'm definitely not a drama queen. Well I don't think I am...

I was fairly dramatic last night. He had to go round and apologise to the neighbours for the noise I was making. Ha ha.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Tigermoon said:


> Some rather interesting replies so far ...
> 
> *I'm my limited experience, once someone had decided the relationship is over, its over, regardless of the reasons why.*
> 
> ...


You're probably right. It's the mixed messages that are confusing me. Like he's signed the S21 notice as we are joint landlords on my house, but said to think hard before I serve it.

I'm pretty sure he finished with me, but doesn't want me to evict my tenant so I can move out? So confused.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Oh, and morning everyone, I'm not buried under the patio yet


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## Tigermoon (Apr 2, 2013)

MilleD said:


> You're probably right. It's the mixed messages that are confusing me. Like he's signed the S21 notice as we are joint landlords on my house, but said to think hard before I serve it. I'm pretty sure he finished with me, but doesn't want me to evict my tenant so I can move out? So confused.


My sister's ex-husband did this to her, strung her along for years before a friend told her he was getting married. Queue tears, anger, recriminations etc. She always hoped he'd come back but of course he'd moved on. In actual fact I think she read more into his texts and comments than was really there simply because she wanted him back.

I'd seek advice then serve the S21.



MilleD said:


> Oh, and morning everyone, I'm not buried under the patio yet


Glad to hear it


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## jill3 (Feb 18, 2009)

Glad to hear that you are Ok Millie. Been thinking about you.
Keeping calm and act as if you don't care often helps. Also why not dress up tonight, order a Taxi and go out. Visit your friends or just go pictures. Just don't tell him.
Look forward to the future (i know it's hard.) Once you make a start it will become easier, you will become stronger.
As you become stronger things that you need to do will become clearer.
You have done your shouting last night. so be kind to yourself and your blood pressure today. xx


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## Purplecatlover (Mar 12, 2017)

Good morning @MilleD. Hope you're feeling as okay as you can. My ex left on the 3rd of December after 6 months of hell, Lies, not coming home from a holiday when he swore he would(he messaged me the day he was supposed to be coming home at 4am saying I'm not coming, then turned his phone off, my mum came to mine to find my crying in a heap on the floor) & doing whatever he wanted. (In 5 mins he changed his mind from I want to be with you, to I can't do this, he packed a bag and left) I felt lucky when he came home from being out when he said he would, or even coming home. I got told that it was my fault from some people around me because I don't work (due to ilness) and I beat my self up so much that I'd ruined a 3 and a half year relationship. It was all my fault, I drove him to it, it was my anxieties fault, I smothered him etc. It takes time, I wish I felt anger too but at first I didn't. One thing I did feel though when he left was relief. It's been 2 months ish now and I'm not saying I'm better but each day it gets a little easier, slowly but surely. You are worth SO MUCH MORE than any person that doesn't know if they want to be with you. That shouldn't even be a question someone asks there self. I still have my days and it's had a huge impact on my mental health & anxiety. I hardly leave the house, but I think it's time for you to take control & decide what YOU want. Don't give this man one more second to decide wether he thinks "your good enough" you are ALWAYS good enough. Keep your head held high, keep busy & try not to stay in. I hope I don't sound condescending (I know I'm only 22) but honestly I didn't think I'd survive my break up. I didn't want to. Now I know that any person that can up and leave without trying doesn't deserve one more second of my time. Or yours. Stay strong, please keep ranting as it helped me so much and it will you, were all rooting for you and if you need anything we're here! Xxx


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Faye1995 said:


> Good morning @MilleD. Hope you're feeling as okay as you can. My ex left on the 3rd of December after 6 months of hell, Lies, not coming home from a holiday when he swore he would(he messaged me the day he was supposed to be coming home at 4am saying I'm not coming, then turned his phone off, my mum came to mine to find my crying in a heap on the floor) & doing whatever he wanted. (In 5 mins he changed his mind from I want to be with you, to I can't do this, he packed a bag and left) I felt lucky when he came home from being out when he said he would, or even coming home. I got told that it was my fault from some people around me because I don't work (due to ilness) and I beat my self up so much that I'd ruined a 3 and a half year relationship. It was all my fault, I drove him to it, it was my anxieties fault, I smothered him etc. It takes time, I wish I felt anger too but at first I didn't. One thing I did feel though when he left was relief. It's been 2 months ish now and I'm not saying I'm better but each day it gets a little easier, slowly but surely. You are worth SO MUCH MORE than any person that doesn't know if they want to be with you. That shouldn't even be a question someone asks there self. I still have my days and it's had a huge impact on my mental health & anxiety. I hardly leave the house, but I think it's time for you to take control & decide what YOU want. Don't give this man one more second to decide wether he thinks "your good enough" you are ALWAYS good enough. Keep your head held high, keep busy & try not to stay in. I hope I don't sound condescending (I know I'm only 22) but honestly I didn't think I'd survive my break up. I didn't want to. Now I know that any person that can up and leave without trying doesn't deserve one more second of my time. Or yours. Stay strong, please keep ranting as it helped me so much and it will you, were all rooting for you and if you need anything we're here! Xxx


I'm twice your age! But no, you don't sound condescending 

I was 30 when I met him, thought he was the one. Man, this is so difficult.

Well he went out to buy bacon 2 hours ago, so pretty sure there is someone else involved.

I'm glad you are pulling through Faye, I know you have anxiety problems. Us girls together eh? xx


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## Purplecatlover (Mar 12, 2017)

MilleD said:


> I'm twice your age! But no, you don't sound condescending
> 
> I was 30 when I met him, thought he was the one. Man, this is so difficult.
> 
> ...


We've got to stick together haven't we  talking on here helped me so much, it's so hard when you're in the situation to think clearly, well for me it was! I'm always just a message away  who else would cover for you if someone ends up under the patio?  Hahahaha xx


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## Calvine (Aug 20, 2012)

MilleD said:


> Well I don't think I am...


You're not.


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## Calvine (Aug 20, 2012)

MilleD said:


> I'm not buried under the patio yet


Chest freezer?


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Calvine said:


> Chest freezer?


We do have one of those.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Wow, I'm overwhelmed. Thanks everyone, they are beautiful xxx


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## GingerNinja (Mar 23, 2014)

MilleD said:


> He was very annoyed at me that I'd discovered something.
> 
> Yelled that I don't have the right. Which is fair enough, I don't any more, but was hoping I would still have a **gopping** detail xx


In my experience men always react with anger when they are guilty  I suppose it's easier to go on the attack than to try and justify their actions or think of some excuse!

The f***ing mind games are destroying so don't entertain them!!! I was made to feel like a crazy woman :Hungry

I say go with your gut and stick to it. My ex was only brave enough to confirm my suspicions about 5 YEARS after I had left, but it still felt like he had stabbed me all over again.

@Faye1995 your ex's behaviour was in no way your fault either!


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## GingerNinja (Mar 23, 2014)

MilleD said:


> Wow, I'm overwhelmed. Thanks everyone, they are beautiful xxx
> 
> View attachment 344090


What lovely people you all are


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## ChaosCat (Dec 7, 2017)

The old fault game... So much easier to make the other party feel guilty.
So much better for ones self importance.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

So he came back from buying bacon. Said he'd been for a haircut that's why he'd been so long. Came home to cook me oatcakes. Said I didn't want any so he's gone straight back out.

Without having any breakfast and all sad.

He's very good at making me feel like I'm the one in the wrong.


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## ChaosCat (Dec 7, 2017)

GingerNinja said:


> What lovely people you all are


Roses, how sweet of the person who did it.
That's what I find absolutely astounding here.
I've been and am on many forums. I have nowhere found this acceptance, helpfulness, support... this general positive atmosphere.
This is very special indeed.


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## ChaosCat (Dec 7, 2017)

MilleD said:


> He's very good at making me feel like I'm the one in the wrong.


Just don't you ever forget this is his game. As long as you can see through it you are safe.


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## Guest (Feb 3, 2018)

MilleD said:


> Wow, I'm overwhelmed. Thanks everyone, they are beautiful xxx
> 
> View attachment 344090


That is lovely! Wish there was a love button


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## chillminx (Nov 22, 2010)

ChaosCat said:


> Roses, how sweet of the person who did it.
> That's what I find absolutely astounding here.
> I've been and am on many forums. I have nowhere found this acceptance, helpfulness, support... this general positive atmosphere.
> This is very special indeed.


I agree. This is why I stayed so long here.  xx


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## crystalwitch (Mar 27, 2017)

Whatever kind of person he is generally, he is not much of a human being to drop this on you when you obviously feel so rotten anyway. Being in pain, and not feeling like going out very much are NOT good reasons for him to desert you when you are already isolated by your health problems. First of all, I would say take the decision out of his hands. If you have people to help you, organise it so that your stuff can be moved out one day while he's at work. Leave him a note to say 'I've Gone'! You say that the current tenant of your house is a nice guy - would it be practical/possible to offer him a different kind of tenancy? As a lodger or flat mate type of arrangement, perhaps. Once you are safely established in your own home, you will be able to work out what YOU want - if he comes crawling at some point, to ask you to go back to him, that should be your decision, but trust me when I say, alone is not the worst thing you can be. It's much lonelier in a bad relationship. I do hope you feel better soon, and that your life improves. Sorry if I've repeated any advice from others - I didn't have a chance to read all the posts.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

crystalwitch said:


> Whatever kind of person he is generally, he is not much of a human being to drop this on you when you obviously feel so rotten anyway. Being in pain, and not feeling like going out very much are NOT good reasons for him to desert you when you are already isolated by your health problems. First of all, I would say take the decision out of his hands. If you have people to help you, organise it so that your stuff can be moved out one day while he's at work. Leave him a note to say 'I've Gone'! You say that the current tenant of your house is a nice guy - would it be practical/possible to offer him a different kind of tenancy? As a lodger or flat mate type of arrangement, perhaps. Once you are safely established in your own home, you will be able to work out what YOU want - if he comes crawling at some point, to ask you to go back to him, that should be your decision, but trust me when I say, alone is not the worst thing you can be. It's much lonelier in a bad relationship. I do hope you feel better soon, and that your life improves. Sorry if I've repeated any advice from others - I didn't have a chance to read all the posts.


It's all good advice, thanks.

I've spoken to him again about issuing the eviction notice, but he says he thinks I shouldn't do that yet as my head isn't clear enough. But surely that's the only option if he wants us to split up?

This is a nightmare.


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## Calvine (Aug 20, 2012)

MilleD said:


> He's very good at making me feel like I'm the one in the wrong.


How come they always manage that? They convince themselves that they are the hard-done-by one, and you mustn't fall for it as you have done nothing wrong.


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## jill3 (Feb 18, 2009)

MilleD said:


> It's all good advice, thanks.
> 
> I've spoken to him again about issuing the eviction notice, but he says he thinks I shouldn't do that yet as my head isn't clear enough. But surely that's the only option if he wants us to split up?
> 
> This is a nightmare.


Messing with your head


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## Summercat (Oct 8, 2017)

How lovely someone sent you roses:Cat they are gorgeous!

Sorry, have not been on, was nauseas all day and just finally am feeling better. 

Just curious, in reading through the posts you mentioned moving into one of the flats. You guys own two in common, is there a reason you would move into one over the other? You said they were differing values? I don’t know but it may not be wise to move into the lesser value one and stake a claim that way.


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## huckybuck (Jan 17, 2014)

I hope he thinks the flowers are from an admirer!!!!


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## SbanR (Jun 16, 2017)

MilleD said:


> It's all good advice, thanks.
> 
> I've spoken to him again about issuing the eviction notice, but he says he thinks I shouldn't do that yet as my head isn't clear enough. But surely that's the only option if he wants us to split up?
> 
> This is a nightmare.


He only wants you to remain in the house so he can mess with your head:Rage


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## jill3 (Feb 18, 2009)

I think there is one good thing about getting older is that you learn not to take S**t


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## Clairabella (Nov 8, 2017)

So sorry to read what you are going through @MilleD. Only now I'm logging in and catching up on the threads so I'm sorry if I just repeat here what has already been said.

I think you are right and he is not being totally honest with you but is playing the 'I'm not happy anymore card' as a cowards way of Bringing the relationship to an end. I also think that it seems like he's also unsure of if he has done the right thing ending it and where things go from here which is why he then throws in the 'I'll be there for you' and 'no need to rush to make any decisions about ur tenant'. It's called keeping his options open.

Either way Hun, none of this is your fault. It's his doing but he will try and find all sorts of his excuses to make you feel bad, but that's to ease his guilty conscience coz he knows by HIM ending it HE is the cause of ur world shattering right now. Rather than be man enough to accept blame, he is doing it the cowards way and finding ways to blame you instead. It saves his face when it's all out in the open. In all honesty I'm a firm believer that if either party isn't happy in a relationship then it's easier and a lot less heartache to be open and say that rather than face cheating or destroying each other coz u can't stand to be around each other, but he isn't being open and honest. U didn't just wake up in pain the night before he said all this to you and then he be like this isn't for me! You would've had pain for a while, whether that be 4 months, 4 years or 14 years, which he knew about and has been happy with you. So please don't blame ur pain for being the cause of this. something has changed his mind all of a sudden to make him think he is not happy. Also the fact he doesn't want to sit and talk about it and work at it, just goes to prove HIS decision is made. That to me says it all because it's kind of like to hell with how u feel, he has made his decision and it's not open for discussion.

I've been in ur position, where my relationship ended but because someone has cheated on me but by ending it so cruelly it literally tramples all over your self esteem. I also had health problems and thought I guess it was bound to happen because I'm no fun anymore coz I'm always ill but truth is, when you truly love someone none of that matters. You stay with them through the good, the bad and the ugly times. Exactly as u have done with him. I can just imagine how you feel right now and can honestly say I never knew a pain like it but my lovely, I promise you, you will get through it and you will come out the other side and better and stronger for it. It will be hard and I won't say any other and there will be days where u just feel like ur heart has been ripped to pieces but having been where u r now, all I can say is allow urself to cry and be sad and be angry as much as you need to but time is the best healer hun and soon ur days of crying and hurt will get less and less and you will be over him. A woman's intuition is a wonderful thing and rest assured no man will ever make you hurt like this again xx

Sending you lots of love xxx


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## Soozi (Jun 28, 2013)

huckybuck said:


> I hope he thinks the flowers are from an admirer!!!!


I wondered if he noticed the flowers too!


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## crystalwitch (Mar 27, 2017)

MilleD said:


> It's all good advice, thanks.
> 
> I've spoken to him again about issuing the eviction notice, but he says he thinks I shouldn't do that yet as my head isn't clear enough. But surely that's the only option if he wants us to split up?
> 
> This is a nightmare.


I don't know the first thing about housing/letting law and if you are joint owners that probably makes it more difficult, but instead of listening to what he wants you to do, go and talk to a lawyer, preferably one specialising in this type of law. Or phone the Citizens Advice Bureau, they should be able to point you in the right direction. It sounds a lot like he wants the freedom to be a single bloke and also the security of having you to fall back on - how dare he! At the very least, if you do pack up and go, it should give him a sharp wake up call - when he realises how much he misses you being there to welcome him home, and comes to ask you to go back, it'll be your turn to say you need to split up as you need time to work out what you want. You are too young - and special - to waste your life with someone who clearly does not deserve you.


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## ExD (Jul 1, 2016)

I understand you can get a free half-hour consultation with a solicitor in the UK (citizens advice will know) which may be helpful.
But I ask myself - do you really want to leave him? I know I ought to leave the person I'm married to but I never will - because I still love the ba88tard. 
Are you feeling like this too?
Are you like me, looking for a magic wand to change things for you, back to how they used to be?
This is not helpful I know but needs to be addressed - be honest with yourself, we feel your pain.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

ExD said:


> I understand you can get a free half-hour consultation with a solicitor in the UK (citizens advice will know) which may be helpful.
> But I ask myself - do you really want to leave him? I know I ought to leave the person I'm married to but I never will - because I still love the ba88tard.
> Are you feeling like this too?
> Are you like me, looking for a magic wand to change things for you, back to how they used to be?
> This is not helpful I know but needs to be addressed - be honest with yourself, we feel your pain.


No, I don't want us to split up. Yes I still love him. But I can't carry on like this. At the moment we are still living together and almost acting like normal except he's taken away any right I had to ask him where he's been or what he's been up to.

Genius really when you think about it.


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## bluecordelia (Jan 5, 2014)

When I finally binned off my long term (all of my 30's) idiot I told him him that he wasn't good enough.

It was a killer line. Not easy to say but to a self obsessed man who saw rubbish in a kitchen bin as unacceptable but it hit home.

Remember that you are great and you have been unwell and in pain. @MilleD . Never doubt yourself xx


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## Calvine (Aug 20, 2012)

MilleD said:


> At the moment we are still living together and almost acting like normal


So he hasn't lost the services of the house-keeper, cook etc (and even book-keeper that you mentioned). The expression 'have your cake and eat it' rather comes to mind. And the not liking the cat 'furniture' was a ridiculously feeble (a bit like him) excuse for his present state of mind. He is being a selfish pig, you deserve much better and there is no way you will ever be happy with the 'arrangement' he has in mind; and no way you should have to. Not telling you where he is going or what he is doing is still lying to you; 'lying by omission', yes, maybe, being 'economical with the truth' but still lying. If you were just flatmates it would be a lot different, but you are not flatmates, you are a couple . . . a friend of mine was married three times in 14 years!!


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## Soozi (Jun 28, 2013)

Because he’s told you he now thinks that where he goes and what he does is none of your business! What an arrogant b****d


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Soozi said:


> Because he's told you he now thinks that where he goes and what he does is none of your business! What an arrogant b****d


In a manner of speaking, yes.


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## Soozi (Jun 28, 2013)

MilleD said:


> In a manner of speaking, yes.


Hun I think you need to bring it to a head as the longer it goes on the more he will mess with your head or are you hoping he will change his mind. I hate to think of you being made to suffer this way.


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## SbanR (Jun 16, 2017)

If you stay as you are, he's got you *exactly* where he wants you. He will only become more arrogant, selfish and demanding.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Soozi said:


> Hun I think you need to bring it to a head as the longer it goes on the more he will mess with your head or are you hoping he will change his mind. I hate to think of you being made to suffer this way.


Hoping he'll change his mind?



You're right. I need to just start things moving. My fear is that if I do get rid of a really good tenant and then he does change his mind...

Yeah, I can hear myself, I'm just making excuses now.

He's just suggested we go out for Sunday lunch


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Calvine said:


> So he hasn't lost the services of the house-keeper, cook etc (and even book-keeper that you mentioned). The expression 'have your cake and eat it' rather comes to mind. And the not liking the cat 'furniture' was a ridiculously feeble (a bit like him) excuse for his present state of mind. He is being a selfish pig, you deserve much better and there is no way you will ever be happy with the 'arrangement' he has in mind; and no way you should have to. Not telling you where he is going or what he is doing is still lying to you; 'lying by omission', yes, maybe, being 'economical with the truth' but still lying. If you were just flatmates it would be a lot different, but you are not flatmates, you are a couple . . . a friend of mine was married three times in 14 years!!


It's still the wasted time that I'm really sad about.


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## Soozi (Jun 28, 2013)

MilleD said:


> It's still the wasted time that I'm really sad about.


It might not be a bad idea to go to lunch you might be able to talk it through he can't exactly just get up and walk out. Can't work out what he's up to but he's holding all the cards atm hun.


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## Pavonine (Jul 20, 2017)

Sorry I can’t offer any practical advice, but just wanted to say I can imagine how you must be feeling. There are many times I have been in a relationship where I know it needs to end because I’m not being treated how I deserve, but when you love somebody you hope they will change. It took me quite a few rounds of splitting up and getting back together to get out of a really awful relationship because of the strength of my love for him, so I know how hard it is to both realise it’s a rubbish situation but want to remain in it. Sending a big virtual hug and wishes that things work out, whatever happens, in the end xx


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## huckybuck (Jan 17, 2014)

MilleD said:


> He's just suggested we go out for Sunday lunch


Probably because the other one can't make it. Any idea who it is and are they married or in long term relationship too?


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## huckybuck (Jan 17, 2014)

MilleD said:


> Hoping he'll change his mind?


And if he does? How will you feel? 
In 6 months or a years time will you be wondering if he's up to anything again? Or will you be worried he'll suddenly not be happy again. Will you take the cats stuff away to keep him happy? Will you go out with him all the time even though you're feeling poorly or worse to have to keep an eye on him?

Better to end it so he knows you cannot accept the behaviour. Move out. And if he does have a change of heart start again afresh and on your terms, with you in control, not him.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

huckybuck said:


> Probably because the other one can't make it. Any idea who it is and are they married or in long term relationship too?


She's some skanky barmaid from one of the local pubs. Young enough to be his daughter. Doubt she is in a long term relationship. She does know that he is though.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

huckybuck said:


> And if he does? How will you feel?
> In 6 months or a years time will you be wondering if he's up to anything again? Or will you be worried he'll suddenly not be happy again. Will you take the cats stuff away to keep him happy? Will you go out with him all the time even though you're feeling poorly or worse to have to keep an eye on him?
> 
> Better to end it so he knows you cannot accept the behaviour. Move out. And if he does have a change of heart start again afresh and on your terms, with you in control, not him.


You see I read this and it all makes profound sense. It's just really difficult to make the jump. I know I need to though.


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## ChaosCat (Dec 7, 2017)

MilleD said:


> She's some skanky barmaid from one of the local pubs. Young enough to be his daughter. Doubt she is in a long term relationship. She does know that he is though.


Vive la cliche!


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## jill3 (Feb 18, 2009)

Thing is you said that you still Love him.
You could still move out and still see him. That way you have your independence and you don't have to tolerate his moods. You are also not there to do things for him You will then know if you do still love him or is that you have got use to the arrangement and the company.


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## Citruspips (Jul 6, 2011)

MilleD said:


> Hoping he'll change his mind?


Sadly I can't see why he would when he has no choice to make. Currently he can have his cake and eat it so why would he change his mind. He needs to know you love him but not that he can do as he pleases and treat you in this way.


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## Soozi (Jun 28, 2013)

Good advice given I think. I’d rather jump than be pushed. If you should stay together will you ever be able to trust him ever again? I agree with HB move out and see how you feel when the dust settles.
Don’t waste more months or years trying to love a man that won’t love you back. xxx


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## Tigermoon (Apr 2, 2013)

The simple fact is blokes tend to have the emotional range of a housebrick so thinking he'll open up and tell all when you are out in a public place is madness. On the whole men don't do sitting down and discussing problems of this nature, they either bury their head or walk away. Whether this particular chap is playing a mind game or not I cannot tell, I do not know him and I do not know the reason he wants to end the relationship, I therefore am in no position to be name calling.

Its always very hard when only one side wants the relationship to end but unfortunately that is usually the way and someone ends up hurt. But everything you have posted so far @MilleD does tell me that the relationship is over as far as he is concerned. So, tomorrow is the day of action. Seek legal advice regarding your assets and serve notice on your tenant and sort out your affairs with a view of getting the hell out ASAP.


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## Soozi (Jun 28, 2013)

We might all be CRAZY cat ladies but there’s so much solid advice here.


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## ExD (Jul 1, 2016)

Did you ever look at the toxic relationship of Charles and Di and wonder why they couldn't have lived together/apart in those huge houses? Two immature people wanting their own way (but she loved him till it turned to hatred) but C would have still wanted his bit on the side so she could never get her fairy tale marriage could she?
Thats what I did, and thats what I still do in our 3 bed standard size house. I didn't move out - I moved rooms.

Firstly I moved into the spare room. Then I told him I would cook and clean, but would not do his books unless he paid me (we have our own business too - no sorry its HIS business and I'm not allowed to make any suggestions or criticisms) so he now has someone come in once a month who he has to be civil to. (and pay).

I even eat my meals alone although we do eat breakfast together because the kitchen is the only warm place in a morning, and I have my own TV in the living room - thankfully the kitchen is big enough for him to have a comfy chair and TV in there. If your house is big enough would it be a tolerable solution for you. No one's mentioned the sexual side of this - and I'm not asking, but it could be an issue, it wasn't for me thankfully.

I don't think we will ever be the same again, I although obviously I would like it to be. I look upon our relationship as a business one not a marriage. Its more convenient than finding another place and anyway I've put a lot of myself into this house. After several years of this we do sometimes have civil conversations, we do co-operate by (say) driving him to the garage to collect his car after it's been serviced, or he will drive me to eye treatments (another story) and collect me afterwards. I have my own (16 year old) VW. 

I can tolerate this situation, maybe you can't, in which case you'll have to follow all the advice about moving out. Please don't hesitate to tell me to stop putting my oar in (aka sticking my nose in). 
You will need to see a solicitor, not only about the legal aspects of separating but also because getting a tenant to move out isn't as easy as it sounds even if he is reasonable. 

If you feel you really must move out then take no notice of me but I do have one thought - does the rent from your tenant come direct to you? Could you use this to obtain temporary accommodation whilst your present tenant finds himself a new place? I appreciate this would be difficult with cats in tow.
I hope you don't have a joint bank account.!!!


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## chillminx (Nov 22, 2010)

@ExD - I sympathise as I can see life is not easy for you. I think I might possibly be able to live with a domestic arrangement like yours (appreciating it's not what you'd want ideally), as long as there was honesty and mutual respect. e.g. it would be agreed there were to be no affairs or partnerships outside the two of you's partnership. I'd expect us to tell each other where we were going when either of us went out, and approx what time we'd be home. Basically, no secrets between us.

@MilleD - I think the instinct is often to 'up sticks and leave' a.s.a.p. when one has been betrayed by a partner. Personally if you can cope with it I would stay put for now. If you still love the guy and want to try and restore your relationship, my experience is your best chance of that happening is to stay put so you are there in his space all the time. But not if there are going to be constant arguments as that would exhausting and demoralising for you. Nor should you stay if you feel you are being treated like a door mat. Only stay if you can be cool and crafty and play the long game - if you want him still.

If you don't want him, then leave as soon as convenient for you. xx


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## Summercat (Oct 8, 2017)

@MilleD 
My thought is right now you are still likely in the denial stage, been there and done that myself. 
As an outsider looking in, I would urge caution if he is trying to sweeten you up but still wants to end the relationship. If you want to stay and the relationship is salvageable then that is good.
But if he wants you sweet while he is up to financial or other finaglings not so good.
So keep your eyes and ears open. Get legal advice as has been suggested and take stock of all your contributions both financial and service wise (accounting etc).
Best of luck.


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## Nicholas86 (Feb 5, 2015)

January and February for some reason men go a bit funny my dad used too.


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## Soozi (Jun 28, 2013)

Nicholas86 said:


> January and February for some reason men go a bit funny my dad used too.


March, April, May, June...... lol!


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## Calvine (Aug 20, 2012)

ExD said:


> I hope you don't have a joint bank account.!!!


I would have thought that they might well have at least one joint account.


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## Soozi (Jun 28, 2013)

ExD said:


> Did you ever look at the toxic relationship of Charles and Di and wonder why they couldn't have lived together/apart in those huge houses? Two immature people wanting their own way (but she loved him till it turned to hatred) but C would have still wanted his bit on the side so she could never get her fairy tale marriage could she?
> Thats what I did, and thats what I still do in our 3 bed standard size house. I didn't move out - I moved rooms.
> 
> Firstly I moved into the spare room. Then I told him I would cook and clean, but would not do his books unless he paid me (we have our own business too - no sorry its HIS business and I'm not allowed to make any suggestions or criticisms) so he now has someone come in once a month who he has to be civil to. (and pay).
> ...


You were really brave doing that! I couldn't.


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## Clairabella (Nov 8, 2017)

I don't know if this has been suggested already because I haven't caught up on all the replies since yesterday but how about looking for a rental property for yourself so that u don't have to evict tenant and by moving out at least you have the control back whilst he is working out what the hell it is he wants and also means that he isnt the one holding all the cards. He can't be allowed to treat you like this, you deserve so much better. Maybe when you move out and bring it to a head then he will realise what he wants and you may just realise u are better off without him after him putting you through this. How you can look at him the same way again after this I'll never know, this will always be in the back of ur mind but I know it's so much easier said than done when u love someone.

Infact, just a thought but maybe just the suggestion alone of you private renting somewhere might be the kick up the backside he needs coz right now he is probably thinking ur not going anywhere fast due to the tenant and in the meantime he has got u at home, having his cake and eating it. Or, maybe if u move into rental and leave ur tenant in your house ur not committing urself to anything long term, as in, if he changes his mind then u can always move out of rental and back in with him if that's what u decide but at least u can keep the tenant where he is for now whilst everything is up in the air. If I'm 6 months or a year nothing has changed then perhaps u could give your tenant notice then and move back into ur own house xx


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## Paddypaws (May 4, 2010)

If you do decide to leave the shared home I would be moving in to the newly renovated property....it's going to happen quicker than trying to get rid of the existing tenant in the other property


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## huckybuck (Jan 17, 2014)

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/a...ary-revealed-prime-time-couples-break-up.html

Jan is the most common month for break ups.

NB 48% said they were already in a new relationship.


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## GingerNinja (Mar 23, 2014)

MilleD said:


> It's still the wasted time that I'm really sad about.


I understand your emotions but it has not been wasted time if you have loved and have had fun. It's difficult not to merge todays feelings with the past but don't taint your memories with his current behaviour

DO however be aware that things have changed and you need to out for your best interests


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## Soozi (Jun 28, 2013)

Hope you are OK @MilleD and that you get stronger each day. hugs XXX


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## Erenya (Jul 22, 2014)

Sorry to hear this, I do have some practical advice:

1.) Engage a lawyer sooner rather than later and let him know the details of your lawyer - If you want I have the number of an EXCELLENT litigator, he was a huge hep when I split up with my Ex and made sure that I didn't let him get away with anything. He was effectively my strength when I let emotion get in the way. Incidentally, if you have been paying into the house you are entitled to something back - do NOT just walk away, you will regret it further down the line.
2.) Ultimatums. If he's being vague then force him to state exactly how he sees the situation going forward. Tell him that it is either *over* and he must stop treating you like his partner and you start working towards separating, or you book marriage/relationship counselling NOW - have a number ready and if he picks that option you phone and book there and then (this is to stop him agreeing to that as a delay tactic) - those are the only two options. He cannot be permitted to just keep this drifting on in such a vague and woolly manner.
3.) Separate beds - either separate rooms or he is on the couch. At the moment you need to consider yourself as separated. When you do anything in the house ask yourself if you would do that for a housemate, if the answer is no - don't do it - from this point forward unless you decide otherwise you are not a romantic couple - you are housemates. He needs to realise that things WILL NOT continue as they have historically unless YOU choose for them to be so.
4.) Your tenant. I would delay for a week on evicting your tenant. Only because you have a lot of decisions to make and giving yourself some time and space to consider all of them is health - No 3 above should start giving you that space

I hope you can find someway forward with this, whichever option you choose.


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## ewelsh (Jan 26, 2011)

I have just caught up :Rage


It’s a good job your EX OH isn’t mine or he would be chain sawed and under the patio by now. Mrs Bobbet would look like Mary Poppins compared to me.


Get legal advice, don’t budge an inch until you have all the facts. Do not tell him or any joints friends what you are doing.





My love support and thoughts are with you xx


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## ExD (Jul 1, 2016)

Thanks Millie.
I suppose its the age thing too - at 79 I'm not really physically or mentally up to packing up and leaving.
I was putting the solution, which I have reached personally, to you as one option available. However, if you have the strength and means to leave this rather toxic position I think I clean break would be the best.
I have a 60 year old friend who has found a lovely widower through online dating and they have married. They seem happy as 'pigs in muck'.
I have to say we respect each other better now than we did when we were living as man and wife. I am content with my situation but see clearly that you are not.


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## cheekyscrip (Feb 8, 2010)

Sorry, just saw your thread. Hugs. 19 years ago I just left my own house and all going away with one suitcase.
Sometimes it is worth it. 
I never looked back.
All the best Be brave and believe in yourself. All the best.


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## MandaF (Feb 5, 2018)

MilleD said:


> Thanks Soozi.
> 
> I've tried talking to him, but he won't tell me anything. Then drops in something about just needing time to work out how he feels and that maybe he's having a mid life crisis.
> 
> ...


I would give it some time. If he says thats what he needs (perhaps he is going through a crisis), maybe give him time to think. Men are interesting; they go through phases. Just dont let him think you are a phase. Give it a few days, and then begin to talk to him about whats been making him unhappy. Many times we take things out on those we love. So perhaps he is doing that; perhaps there is something else going on and he doesnt know how to communicate it, and instead of that one thing making him unhappy, he has become unhappy and thus everything else becomes unhappy around him. 
I just wouldnt let him give up on you if he is what you want. If you love him and he is treating you well. 
If he is not, simply use this as a great introduction to another part of your life. You're never too old, chickadee! Things will sort out themselves. To me it just seems that he is having a boyish lash fest where he takes things out on you and later ends up taking it back. Give it time  Just dont smother him. Let him come to you, wait a few days and approach him caringly


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## Guest (Feb 6, 2018)

@MilleD hope you are doing ok xxx


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

whompingwillow said:


> @MilleD hope you are doing ok xxx


Sorry, I haven't been on since Sunday. Fell into an even lower patch and can hardly be bothered to move.

But I'm still here.

I've contacted my tenant to speak to him to at least give him a heads up. I've asked my 'OH' a few times whether he has any objections to me serving him notice and he won't give me a straight answer, which I take as him meaning he is happy with me doing it. If he wasn't he would say so right? He did say "I'm so confused" at one point. That isn't the half of how I feel so I can't spare him any sympathy right now.

I'm going to see my tenant this evening.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

MandaF said:


> I would give it some time. If he says thats what he needs (perhaps he is going through a crisis), maybe give him time to think. Men are interesting; they go through phases. Just dont let him think you are a phase. Give it a few days, and then begin to talk to him about whats been making him unhappy. Many times we take things out on those we love. So perhaps he is doing that; perhaps there is something else going on and he doesnt know how to communicate it, and instead of that one thing making him unhappy, he has become unhappy and thus everything else becomes unhappy around him.
> I just wouldnt let him give up on you if he is what you want. If you love him and he is treating you well.
> If he is not, simply use this as a great introduction to another part of your life. You're never too old, chickadee! Things will sort out themselves. To me it just seems that he is having a boyish lash fest where he takes things out on you and later ends up taking it back. Give it time  Just dont smother him. Let him come to you, wait a few days and approach him caringly


He won't speak to me about this. He will happily chat about anything else. I get the feeling he is ashamed.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Paddypaws said:


> If you do decide to leave the shared home I would be moving in to the newly renovated property....it's going to happen quicker than trying to get rid of the existing tenant in the other property


Unfortunately, it's an apartment in a leased building, and the lease states no pets 

I also think he took the skanky barmaid there so I'm not setting foot in the place.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Clairabella said:


> I don't know if this has been suggested already because I haven't caught up on all the replies since yesterday but how about looking for a rental property for yourself so that u don't have to evict tenant and by moving out at least you have the control back whilst he is working out what the hell it is he wants and also means that he isnt the one holding all the cards. He can't be allowed to treat you like this, you deserve so much better. Maybe when you move out and bring it to a head then he will realise what he wants and you may just realise u are better off without him after him putting you through this. How you can look at him the same way again after this I'll never know, this will always be in the back of ur mind but I know it's so much easier said than done when u love someone.
> 
> Infact, just a thought but maybe just the suggestion alone of you private renting somewhere might be the kick up the backside he needs coz right now he is probably thinking ur not going anywhere fast due to the tenant and in the meantime he has got u at home, having his cake and eating it. Or, maybe if u move into rental and leave ur tenant in your house ur not committing urself to anything long term, as in, if he changes his mind then u can always move out of rental and back in with him if that's what u decide but at least u can keep the tenant where he is for now whilst everything is up in the air. If I'm 6 months or a year nothing has changed then perhaps u could give your tenant notice then and move back into ur own house xx


I did think about this, but getting somewhere that will take the cats seems to be impossible. I have looked around. Just got depressed looking at the shoddy places.

I only rent out my properties when they look lovely and inviting. Some people will put any crap on the market.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

I'm considering going round his parents house to demand some answers, I guess from messages I've seen that they know something about what's going on.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Calvine said:


> I would have thought that they might well have at least one joint account.


Yes for the rental income on one of the properties. He has neither the online banking password or the card attached to the account though.


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## crystalwitch (Mar 27, 2017)

Would it be possible to stay with one of your sisters while you sort yourself out? Regardless of what the final outcome is, I really don't think you can make any clear headed decisions while you are right in the middle of the 'battlefield' so to speak. Of course he's being vague - at the moment, everything is the way he wants it to be - he has the barmaid and if that doesn't work out, you're sitting at home waiting for him. I have absolutely no time for any woman who will knowingly get into a relationship with a man she knows is already committed elsewhere, but you don't know what he's told her about you - "Oh I really want to to be with you, but she is ill and needs me - I can't just leave her" etc. She may be under the impression that you two are finished. Also, have you considered the possibility that it is fear of the unknown rather than/as well as loving him that is keeping you there? You've been together for a long time and the prospect of starting over must be quite daunting but think of the forty or fifty years that could easily be in front of you; do you really want to spend them with someone who is so selfish and contemptuous of your wants and needs? Free from the stress of this situation, you may even find that your physical pain is lessened and there could be - if YOU want it - someone else waiting to love you and care for you and give you your happy ever after. I hope you can feel the waves of sympathy and concern that everyone on here has expressed. Please don't let him keep making your decisions for you.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

crystalwitch said:


> Would it be possible to stay with one of your sisters while you sort yourself out? Regardless of what the final outcome is, I really don't think you can make any clear headed decisions while you are right in the middle of the 'battlefield' so to speak. Of course he's being vague - at the moment, everything is the way he wants it to be - he has the barmaid and if that doesn't work out, you're sitting at home waiting for him. I have absolutely no time for any woman who will knowingly get into a relationship with a man she knows is already committed elsewhere, but you don't know what he's told her about you - "Oh I really want to to be with you, but she is ill and needs me - I can't just leave her" etc. She may be under the impression that you two are finished. Also, have you considered the possibility that it is fear of the unknown rather than/as well as loving him that is keeping you there? You've been together for a long time and the prospect of starting over must be quite daunting but think of the forty or fifty years that could easily be in front of you; do you really want to spend them with someone who is so selfish and contemptuous of your wants and needs? Free from the stress of this situation, you may even find that your physical pain is lessened and there could be - if YOU want it - someone else waiting to love you and care for you and give you your happy ever after. I hope you can feel the waves of sympathy and concern that everyone on here has expressed. Please don't let him keep making your decisions for you.


Don't think staying with one of my sister's is possible. But one of them is in the process of moving into a house she had renovated and her boyfriends house will then be empty. I'm not sure on the timeframe though. And I'm not sure if wasn't to uproot the cats twice. I Think its here or my house.

And yes I can feel the sympathy here. It's keeping me going xx


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## Summercat (Oct 8, 2017)

@MilleD 
I agree, there are often shoddy flats for high rent, in low supply high demand areas in particular.
Maybe if you have a decent income from your work and the two properties shared, maybe take your time and look into a mortgage on your own for a home. Doesn't have to be huge and can be a fixer upper or a part fixer upper. 
That may be the best solution rather than renting. 
Don't forget legal advice for personal and financial.
Hugs from me and Biggles


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## Gwen9244 (Nov 10, 2012)

I have read through all your posts and I am heartbroken for you. It sounds like your OH is playing mind games with you and that is absolutely awful. I am going to be brutally honest. You need to protect your position both financially and where you are going to live. Not being married makes your position a lot more vulnerable. If you don't believe that there is a chance you can stay together then you need to act fast. I know its hard because at the moment you are mourning the loss of your relationship and the life you thought you were going to have but I have seen friends go through something similar and their OHs have been absolute sh**s.


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## Guest (Feb 6, 2018)

I am happy to hear from you @MilleD and I am sorry things are so hard and you are having to go through this.

I really understand the feeling of things being so hard you can barely move, I have been there and I have been in an extremely toxic and emotionally abusive relationship, and through a break up I didn't want to happen with a lovely person - In a way that one was the hardest! (And healthiest) you are getting loads of practical advice, so I just send you my love and thoughts and I hope you manage to ride through this with as much strength and self care as possible, even when it feels impossibly hard. You have a load of friends that have your back and hopefully some in person too.

Good luck with the tenant, that must be a hard position too be in. It sounds like you have a good relationship with them though so hopefully it will go ok? Xx


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## ExD (Jul 1, 2016)

I'm being a bit thick - but do you actually 'own' the house/apartment you're talking about (the one where you have a good tenant)?


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

ExD said:


> I'm being a bit thick - but do you actually 'own' the house/apartment you're talking about (the one where you have a good tenant)?


Yes. Its the house I lived in before we met. Its still mortgaged but only in my name.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

thought I would show you all this. The risks of being an out of control rage monster. 

I fell over whilst screeching like a banshee, and kicked the loft ladder as it was down. Misjudged the distance and caught my leg. This was yesterday, two, maybe four (losing track) days after I did it.


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## Gwen9244 (Nov 10, 2012)

MilleD said:


> thought I would show you all this. The risks of being an out of control rage monster.
> 
> I fell over whilst screeching like a banshee, and kicked the loft ladder as it was down. Misjudged the distance and caught my leg. This was yesterday, two, maybe four (losing track) days after I did it.
> 
> View attachment 344350


Ouch! That looks really painful!


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Gwen9244 said:


> I have read through all your posts and I am heartbroken for you. It sounds like your OH is playing mind games with you and that is absolutely awful. I am going to be brutally honest. You need to protect your position both financially and where you are going to live. Not being married makes your position a lot more vulnerable. If you don't believe that there is a chance you can stay together then you need to act fast. I know its hard because at the moment you are mourning the loss of your relationship and the life you thought you were going to have but I have seen friends go through something similar and their OHs have been absolute sh**s.


I keep thinking about getting some advice but that makes me feel like I'm accepting the fact it's over. I'm currently still lying in bed which is no help to anyone.


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## SbanR (Jun 16, 2017)

@MilleD I'm very sorry for all the hurt you're going through. Xx


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

whompingwillow said:


> I am happy to hear from you @MilleD and I am sorry things are so hard and you are having to go through this.
> 
> I really understand the feeling of things being so hard you can barely move, I have been there and I have been in an extremely toxic and emotionally abusive relationship, and through a break up I didn't want to happen with a lovely person - In a way that one was the hardest! (And healthiest) you are getting loads of practical advice, so I just send you my love and thoughts and I hope you manage to ride through this with as much strength and self care as possible, even when it feels impossibly hard. You have a load of friends that have your back and hopefully some in person too.
> 
> Good luck with the tenant, that must be a hard position too be in. It sounds like you have a good relationship with them though so hopefully it will go ok? Xx


I hope it does. But the resounding clang of finality may hit home once I've been over there.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

SbanR said:


> @MilleD I'm very sorry for all the hurt you're going through. Xx


Thank you xx


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## jill3 (Feb 18, 2009)

Oh Millie that leg looks very painful. Have you tried putting some Arnica on it? you can buy it from Boots.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

jill3 said:


> Oh Millie that leg looks very painful. Have you tried putting some Arnica on it? you can buy it from Boots.


Didn't even think of that. Aren't you supposed to put it on straight away? I'll do some now as I have a bottle


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## Jackie C (Feb 16, 2016)

I've only just read this this morning. Sorry for the shitty situation you're in. Some tart from the pub half his age? Class..... well that'll last - not. He sounds like an immature child who wants his cake and eat it, one minute he's going on about splitting up, meeting up with his bint, and then all lovey-dovey with you, as if nothing has happened, and f***king with your mind.

Sorry, I've only got a few minutes as I've got to get ready to go out and meet my mum, so I'll keep it short:

Get some legal advice asap. You have spent a long time together, and whilst the mortgage might technically be in his name, you have spent a considerable amount contributing. If you can stand it, stay put, as once you're out the of the house, it might be harder. It might be hard, but try and stay amicable and mature. If you start being an arse back, he might dig his heels in. You being amicable and civil with him (but not loving), will piss him off, as he wants an excuse to start an argument, and fuel _his_ fire that you being a bitch (which you are not). 
I think some solicitors give a half-hour free consultation. The rest might be expensive, but you've put a lot into the property, and you don't want to lose out. 
Besides, you have to give your tenant time to move, so definitely get legal advice.

In the meantime, don't let this leach get you down. It is not your fault he has reached middle-age and feels inadequate. You deserve better. Take care and try and keep positive. x


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## Gwen9244 (Nov 10, 2012)

MilleD said:


> I keep thinking about getting some advice but that makes me feel like I'm accepting the fact it's over. I'm currently still lying in bed which is no help to anyone.


I hope you do manage to work things out but, if you don't, at least you will have a better understanding of where you stand. If he really wants to make a go of things then he needs to be completely honest about what he has been up to - let you see the messages on his phone etc. Then, if he does admit that he was seeing the barmaid, you will have to decide whether you can trust him again.


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## Charity (Apr 17, 2013)

I'm sure there's a part of you which is clinging on to the hope he will come home and say its all been a mistake and he didn't mean it but don't wait in the hope that will happen. Once you make a firm decision to get on with your life, believe me, it makes you feel better, stronger and in control. I doubt it will come home to him what he's losing until he sees you doing something positive about it. Don't expect him to be co-operative either, he's feeling guilty, ashamed so he doesn't want to air his dirty linen to you or anyone else. Men are crap in situations like this. If he really cared about you and mending fences, he would stop home and be trying to talk things through I know as you don't feel well, its a huge task, it would be bad enough if you were feeling well, but, what's important is to start protecting what is yours. I'm sure the mess he's got himself into at the moment is just a passing whim but things between you have changed dramatically and can't go back to how they were, even if you forgave him, trust is the one thing its very hard to regain. Why be miserable with someone when you can be happy apart, strange as that may sound at the moment., and, hopefully, meet someone else in the future who will give you the love, care and respect you deserve. I know we can all spout good advice when we're not suffering your pain but those of us who have been in an unhappy relationship know how much better you feel about yourself once you get out of it, even if you can't move on for a while. Look after No. 1.


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## Guest (Feb 6, 2018)

MilleD said:


> thought I would show you all this. The risks of being an out of control rage monster.
> 
> I fell over whilst screeching like a banshee, and kicked the loft ladder as it was down. Misjudged the distance and caught my leg. This was yesterday, two, maybe four (losing track) days after I did it.
> 
> View attachment 344350


Ouch! That looks painful


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## ewelsh (Jan 26, 2011)

I so wish I could physically do something for you! If only we lived closer.

I have had so many friends who have been in a similar situation as you are right now! It’s always the men who start things due to mid life crisis or think the grass is greener. Women do tend to be more loyal. 

What is wrong with men these days, where has the respect & decency gone? Why are they so quick to jump instead of taking the harder path of working things out for the great good.
I also blame other women, who Knowingly go with married or coupled men! Where is their decency and respect for other women.

One of my friends took her husband back after cheating, the affair had been going on for months, she was a Christian (unfortunately he wasn’t ) she felt she should forgive him and try again.
Things were never right to be honest, she was always unsure, questioning him and his whereabouts, the crunch finally came when we were chatting over a coffee, all I could hear was her non self worth, her faults! This made my blood boil, so I found out the address of the other women! We both went together to hear her side of things which all weighed up, yes it was slightly awkward but definitely worth it.

Let’s just say, he was out of the house and her life at the end of that week. She has never looked back. She threw herself into voluntary work for battered wives which in turn helped her own self asstem.
Years later she met a man, slightly younger, he adores the ground she walks on. I never see her without a smile on her face.

When your rock bottom, there is only one way to go, And that is UP




Why not make an appointment at the solicitors, the first 30mins is normally free and go prepared with a list of questions.

Xx


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## huckybuck (Jan 17, 2014)

MilleD said:


> Sorry, I haven't been on since Sunday. Fell into an even lower patch and can hardly be bothered to move.
> 
> But I'm still here.
> 
> ...


So glad you are back and checking in. Please try to pop in once a day so we know how you are doing.

The only person you need to spare sympathy with is yourself!

I am so glad you are seeing the tenant and I really hope he will understand and be willing to move out quickly and happily.



Charity said:


> I'm sure there's a part of you which is clinging on to the hope he will come home and say its all been a mistake and he didn't mean it but don't wait in the hope that will happen. Once you make a firm decision to get on with your life, believe me, it makes you feel better, stronger and in control. I doubt it will come home to him what he's losing until he sees you doing something positive about it. Don't expect him to be co-operative either, he's feeling guilty, ashamed so he doesn't want to air his dirty linen to you or anyone else. Men are crap in situations like this. If he really cared about you and mending fences, he would stop home and be trying to talk things through I know as you don't feel well, its a huge task, it would be bad enough if you were feeling well, but, what's important is to start protecting what is yours. I'm sure the mess he's got himself into at the moment is just a passing whim but things between you have changed dramatically and can't go back to how they were, even if you forgave him, trust is the one thing its very hard to regain. Why be miserable with someone when you can be happy apart, strange as that may sound at the moment., and, hopefully, meet someone else in the future who will give you the love, care and respect you deserve. I know we can all spout good advice when we're not suffering your pain but those of us who have been in an unhappy relationship know how much better you feel about yourself once you get out of it, even if you can't move on for a while. Look after No. 1.


I totally agree with this ^^^^^

He simply will not realise what he had with you until you are gone.

I think the novelty of the slut barmaid will very quickly wear off but atm he has the best of both worlds. He has/had stability and being comfortable with you and his bit of fun on the side.

He won't want you to move out because financially that makes life more difficult/complicated for him - but would you honestly stay with him just because you make his life easier?

You are worth a lot more than that.

So get up and out of bed - have a shower, take a walk and arrange an appointment with a solicitor then see your tenant tonight (and don't tell him where you are going or where you have been - he has lost the right to know).

By doing these things you are not accepting it's over just getting yourself options and info to arm yourself going forward.


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## QOTN (Jan 3, 2014)

I am no use in these situations because I was always the one who walked first but I do think the answer lies with you. Whatever happens, will you ever trust him again? Usually when trust is gone it is gone forever. I would not want to be with somebody I could not trust. It would not just be little things. It would be everything.


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## ewelsh (Jan 26, 2011)

I’m afraid I am an elephant, I never forget. I am all or nothing, you can’t have love without respect.


We are all diffent and have different needs, for me I would have to go and cause chaos in the process.


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## QOTN (Jan 3, 2014)

ewelsh said:


> I'm afraid I am an elephant, I never forget. I am all or nothing, you can't have love without respect.
> We are all diffent and have different needs, for me I would have to go and cause chaos in the process.


Chaos probably not the essential part!


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

QOTN said:


> Chaos probably not the essential part!


And possibly not good for my own mental health, but she does have a point!


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Thanks everyone so much for your advice.

You'll be glad to know @huckybuck that I'm up and dressed. I would go for a walk, but it just started tipping down with snow so think I'll stay in the warm.

I'm making a list of things I would take from each room and what I'd need to buy. I think I'm being pretty fair at the moment considering.

Although my PC is on the list, that'll proper f*ck up his business admin.

At least it's a chance to get rid of the hateful washing machine that dances round the kitchen on spin.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

huckybuck said:


> These may be able to help?
> 
> http://www.sflsolicitors.co.uk/family-law-services/


How odd, all the 'read more' links on that page go to a site selling websites.


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## Jesthar (May 16, 2011)

MilleD said:


> Thanks everyone so much for your advice.
> 
> You'll be glad to know @huckybuck that I'm up and dressed. I would go for a walk, but it just started tipping down with snow so think I'll stay in the warm.
> 
> ...


That's his problem, not yours. Give him a copy of all the files relating to his business on a USB stick, then delete them from your PC. You could always cite the new data protection laws if he complains. 

I've been on another end of this scenario, in my case it was my Dad (whom I adored) who left home when I was 16 after 25+ years of marriage for another married woman. In the ultimate irony, he and Mum first met her and her husband in a marriage counselling role...

He came 'back for good' at least twice. He's now married to the other woman. Trust me, a clean finish the first time would have been much easier on the heart and soul! I still love the old idiot and see him on good terms a few times a year, but it took 15 years to fully forgive him. But then again, he's my Dad and I've realised he's not actually a nasty man, just very selfish. You don't need to take that into account, so do what is best for you


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## huckybuck (Jan 17, 2014)

MilleD said:


> How odd, all the 'read more' links on that page go to a site selling websites.


Oh? That's a bit strange sorry .

I just googled family lawyers staffordshire..

Have you got a nextdoor website in your area? Perhaps you could ask for a recommendation on that instead?


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

huckybuck said:


> Oh? That's a bit strange sorry .
> 
> I just googled family lawyers staffordshire..
> 
> Have you got a nextdoor website in your area? Perhaps you could ask for a recommendation on that instead?


I could still call them  I know where they are so easy to get to as well. Their advice on their cost page for avoiding extra costs is interesting. I particularly like this one:

_9. Finally, pause a moment before calling us, try not to contact us in a moment of anger or merely to express your frustration at your partner. Although we will be sympathetic towards your situation, our role is to provide you legal advice more than emotional support. If you need someone to talk to, we have contacts with a number of support groups who may be better placed to help you emotionally and will certainly be cheaper!_


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## huckybuck (Jan 17, 2014)

Any better?

http://www.sflsolicitors.co.uk/splitting-up/


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## Clairabella (Nov 8, 2017)

MilleD said:


> thought I would show you all this. The risks of being an out of control rage monster.
> 
> I fell over whilst screeching like a banshee, and kicked the loft ladder as it was down. Misjudged the distance and caught my leg. This was yesterday, two, maybe four (losing track) days after I did it.
> 
> View attachment 344350


@MilleD a trip to ur gp for that leg is needed Hun at the very least :,-( xx


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Clairabella said:


> @MilleD a trip to ur gp for that leg is needed Hun at the very least :,-( xx


Nah, tis but a flesh wound


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## Clairabella (Nov 8, 2017)

The colour of ur leg doesn't look healthy Hun lol xx


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## Clairabella (Nov 8, 2017)

Hope you're doing ok <3 xxx


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## ChaosCat (Dec 7, 2017)

So much good advice given, nothing I can add to it. Just want to repeat my support. If I could send strength by mail I would, a whole parcel full. Show us some British stiff upper lip and straight spine. Getting out of bed and dressed was the best you could do for starters.


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## ExD (Jul 1, 2016)

What a beauty!?
Do I take it you can have your cats with you in your own home then?
Another thought - you suggested contacting his parents, please don't do that.
My DIL comes running to me every time she and my son have a fall out - and honestly there's nothing I can do about it. He's a big boy now and any influence I have on him is very slight. They are his parents and will stand by him, its what parents do sp her complaining visits always upset me to no avail.
I'm glad you're feeling more positive. How did the meeting with your tenant go?
(laughed about tthe washing machine, good to see you still have a sense of humour.).


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## LewisH (Dec 12, 2017)

MilleD said:


> At least it's a chance to get rid of the hateful washing machine that dances round the kitchen on spin.


Sounds like you need to chuck a brick in the darn thing and set to spin!

Keep an eye on that bruise, it'll probably go some funky colours!

I won't say too much, but if you haven't, make sure you have all your relevant documents somewhere he can't get to. Passport, Driving Licence, bank account details, mortgage papers for your BTL. Might be safer to keep it at a sister's place.

As a bloke, I speak for our sex when I say this 'man' is an arse! Sounds like he needs to get his brains out of his balls. May I suggest a swift kick to the groin to send them back up to his head?! I hear this 'mid life crisis' crap all too often!!


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

ExD said:


> What a beauty!?
> Do I take it you can have your cats with you in your own home then?
> Another thought - you suggested contacting his parents, please don't do that.
> My DIL comes running to me every time she and my son have a fall out - and honestly there's nothing I can do about it. He's a big boy now and any influence I have on him is very slight. They are his parents and will stand by him, its what parents do sp her complaining visits always upset me to no avail.
> ...


Oh yes, I can have the cats there. Its just a bit closer to a busy road so some cat proofing of the garden may be needed. Its a 3 bed semi so should be enough room for them to spread out.

I do hate that washing machine...


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Morning CC peeps.

So the situation is still a little surreal.

He knew I was going to see my tenant yesterday - his signature is also on the paperwork), but just before I went he said don't issue the notice. Maybe just give the tenant the heads up about what's going on. And you know what? I listened to him! What the hell is wrong with me. I've never been like this before, I'm always the rock.

Anyway, I did go and see the tenant, and he was upset. And we lamented together about horrible people (his girlfriend ran off with his brother last year). And I told him I'd keep him informed.

But you know what, my little house felt lovely to be in. It's always felt like a calm space, and this tenant has kept it really nice. Even a gas engineer that had been round to do the safety checks there commented on how nice it looked.

So perhaps I won't be too sad to move back there. I do feel for my tenant though.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

LewisH said:


> Sounds like you need to chuck a brick in the darn thing and set to spin!
> 
> Keep an eye on that bruise, it'll probably go some funky colours!
> 
> ...


A bloke you say? Are you available? 

Just kidding.

Well....


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## Summercat (Oct 8, 2017)

@MilleD 
Could he be overstretched financially and worried about certain aspects if you leave or leave soon? You help with the bills/mortgage on his home and he would loose help in other ways.
Glad the prospect of moving back looks better to you.

Just curious, if the current house is his and this one with the tenant yours, and you lived there before, how is it partly his?


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## SbanR (Jun 16, 2017)

A good morning to you too @MilleD . It's good you saw your tenant, n he's sympathetic. 2 things come to mind.

There's nothing to stop you going back tonight to issue the notice but *do not* let "OH" know your intention (so he can't try to influence you again).

Also (I think it was mentioned previously), is it possible and would you/ your tenant consider him renting a room in the house. It could be a temporary measure only.
A: to give him a bit more time to find something suitable
B: give you time to decide how you want your future to go
Look after yourself. Xx


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Summercat said:


> @MilleD
> Could he be overstretched financially and worried about certain aspects if you leave or leave soon? You help with the bills/mortgage on his home and he would loose help in other ways.
> Glad the prospect of moving back looks better to you.
> 
> Just curious, if the current house is his and this one with the tenant yours, and you lived there before, how is it partly his?


I don't think he'd be too financially stretched. Obviously not as comfortable if I was with him. It's possibly the help in other ways that he would miss more.

The house I own, we have both our names on the tenancy agreement, but I own it 100%. It seemed like a good idea at the time . He's never contributed anything towards it.

Oh, he did buy me a fence once when we first met. Romantic eh?


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

SbanR said:


> A good morning to you too @MilleD . It's good you saw your tenant, n he's sympathetic. 2 things come to mind.
> 
> There's nothing to stop you going back tonight to issue the notice but *do not* let "OH" know your intention (so he can't try to influence you again).
> 
> ...


I don't think I'd fancy co-habiting. We get on ok, but he is, after all, a stranger. Who was arrested last year when his now ex girlfriend said he'd assaulted her .

So I don't think that's an option.


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## ewelsh (Jan 26, 2011)

That’s a very positive step  good for you. It is also a really good thing that you felt safe, calm in your house! This is what you need in your life, calmness and your cats, sounds perfect to me.

Issue the notice, he will find somewhere, it’s your home.

Try really hard to listen to your head and not your heart, especially don’t listen to him, because he is looking after himself isn’t he my love.

TIME to put YOU first, hold your head high and start your new life


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## LewisH (Dec 12, 2017)

Can you return the tenants deposit early to try and move things along there? His biggest cost will be letting agent and moving fees that quickly add up to a couple of hundred quid. Might be worthwhile offering to contribute to these expenses to get things moving. You'll have to service two months notice if he's on a periodic tenancy, or if he's still in a fix AST, wait until that has expired.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

LewisH said:


> Can you return the tenants deposit early to try and move things along there? His biggest cost will be letting agent and moving fees that quickly add up to a couple of hundred quid. Might be worthwhile offering to contribute to these expenses to get things moving. You'll have to service two months notice if he's on a periodic tenancy, or if he's still in a fix AST, wait until that has expired.


He's on periodic, so yes 2 months.

I could return his deposit early, but I'm not sure if that's wise. You never know if someone may turn when push comes to shove.

At least it didn't cost him anything apart from the deposit when he moved in as I've never used a letting agent and don't charge for references etc.


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## ewelsh (Jan 26, 2011)

Don’t charge for references.....Wow you are trusting!

I manage ours but I do pay to have new tenants vetted credit checked and references plus contracts. Also mine are one month notice both ways!

Offer to give him a written reference as his now landlord, this may help him and quicken things up! X


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## huckybuck (Jan 17, 2014)

MilleD said:


> Morning CC peeps.
> 
> So the situation is still a little surreal.
> 
> ...


My instinct is OH is trying to buy time for some reason and that would worry me. He was happy for you to tell the tenant about the situation but not to serve notice yet. Alarm bells.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

ewelsh said:


> Don't charge for references.....Wow you are trusting!


I honestly don't think they are worth the paper they are written on. I tend to go by my gut instinct 

Yes, I see the irony of that in my current situation


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

huckybuck said:


> My instinct is OH is trying to buy time for some reason and that would worry me. He was happy for you to tell the tenant about the situation but not to serve notice yet. Alarm bells.


I just can't figure him out. He started to say we needed to talk yesterday then clammed up again.

Maybe he's buying time to figure out if the other woman is worth it?

At least I've taken the first step and the tenant is aware. I suggested he start looking at the market to see what is out there. I don't think he will get anything at what I charge though unfortunately and I know he already works overtime. I feel crap ruining someone else's day.


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## ewelsh (Jan 26, 2011)

MilleD said:


> I just can't figure him out. He started to say we needed to talk yesterday then clammed up again.
> 
> Maybe he's buying time to figure out if the other woman is worth it?
> 
> At least I've taken the first step and the tenant is aware. I suggested he start looking at the market to see what is out there. I don't think he will get anything at what I charge though unfortunately and I know he already works overtime. I feel crap ruining someone else's day.


You haven't caused this remember and as your tenant had the same done to him, he would not hold the blame at your door.

Also I agree with HB something is up!


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

ewelsh said:


> Don't charge for references.....Wow you are trusting!
> 
> I manage ours but I do pay to have new tenants vetted credit checked and references plus contracts. Also mine are one month notice both ways!
> 
> Offer to give him a written reference as his now landlord, this may help him and quicken things up! X


I use Property Hawk for contracts. Their tenancy software is really good. You just put names and dates in and out it comes. It's free too.

Do you get away with the one month's notice? I thought 2 was by law on the S21?


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## ewelsh (Jan 26, 2011)

Oh really! Oops I leave all that to the estate agents! 1 month notice but I do allow pets as part of my terms! 
I will look at property Hawks thank you


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## Mirandashell (Jan 10, 2017)

I don't know if this is true of him but it might be worth considering..... he may be dragging his feet because he's not sure of the SB (skanky barmaid). It's all exciting for her when it's a secret and she's sneaking around hiding it but not so much when it's out in the open and her 'secret shag' is now miserable and worried because his missus has found out and his life is being turned upside down. So could it be that he's faced with losing both of you? And that's why he is acting hot and cold, because of the fear?

I don't know him so only you can tell. And I could be talking out of my bum. And I'm certainly not saying you should feel sorry for him. He's a grown man, he knows actions have consequences. But maybe it's an explanation?


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Mirandashell said:


> I don't know if this is true of him but it might be worth considering..... he may be dragging his feet because he's not sure of the SB (skanky barmaid). It's all exciting for her when it's a secret and she's sneaking around hiding it but not so much when it's out in the open and her 'secret shag' is now miserable and worried because his missus has found out and his life is being turned upside down. So could it be that he's faced with losing both of you? And that's why he is acting hot and cold, because of the fear?
> 
> I don't know him so only you can tell. And I could be talking out of my bum. And I'm certainly not saying you should feel sorry for him. He's a grown man, he knows actions have consequences. But maybe it's an explanation?


It's definitely a possibility.

He also tells, not quite lies, but mistruths quite a bit. I'm used to it now, but I fell for it when we first met.

For instance "I drive a 2 seater" I think sports car, reality - Volkswagon Caddy van.

Or "I have a place is Spain with 200 almond trees" I think wow, he must be well off, reality - it's his parents place.

So I imagine if he's done the same with her then she probably thinks she's quids in. But once I leave with all my stuff and half the rental property cash and he has to do all the admin for 3 places, it might not be so appealing.

So yes, that could be the delay. Perhaps I'm waiting for him to choose me then tell him to sod off. Ha ha that would be good


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

ewelsh said:


> Oh really! Oops I leave all that to the estate agents! 1 month notice but I do allow pets as part of my terms!
> I will look at property Hawks thank you




This is another part of the lettings process that the 'OH' knows nothing about. He would have to do it through an agency I guess.


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## ewelsh (Jan 26, 2011)

As he seems to be slightly vulnerable right now ( things moving to quickly out of his control ) I would ask him again what the issues are and what he wants, just so you know what his thinking process is


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## ewelsh (Jan 26, 2011)

If he were to choose you, would you stay?


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

ewelsh said:


> As he seems to be slightly vulnerable right now ( things moving to quickly out of his control ) I would ask him again what the issues are and what he wants, just so you know what his thinking process is


Good plan. I'll see if he will speak to me this evening.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

ewelsh said:


> If he were to choose you, would you stay?


I really don't know any more. The visit to my house seemed to steel something in me yesterday.


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## ewelsh (Jan 26, 2011)

That is a massive bonus, now you have options! Options are good! More power to you!

None of us can tell you what to do, only what we would do, but I hope you choose what will make you happy long term x


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## Mirandashell (Jan 10, 2017)

MilleD said:


> I really don't know any more. The visit to my house seemed to steel something in me yesterday.


Maybe because it was concrete proof that you won't be broken if he does leave you. You have your own base and your own stuff and you can start again. And that's a good start.


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## LewisH (Dec 12, 2017)

MilleD said:


> I really don't know any more. The visit to my house seemed to steel something in me yesterday.


I'd do it. Service notice to your tenant. Offer him all the assistance you deem necessary. I'd be inclined to not tell your 'partner' until the removal van turns up!


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## Charity (Apr 17, 2013)

You could suggest to your OH that he could get a lodger, your tenant is looking for somewhere ....I know that's twisting the knife.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Charity said:


> You could suggest to your OH that he could get a lodger, your tenant is looking for somewhere ....I know that's twisting the knife.


You're naughty


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## Orla (Sep 16, 2015)

I feel like even if he decides he wants you over his bit of fluff, what would happen when the next bit of fluff comes along? And would you ever be able to trust him again? It sounds very much like he needs you far more than you need him (even though you clearly love him still, which is natural after so many years history together). If it were me, I think I would be making plans to get out of your joint property and out of his life as soon as is practical as being stuck cohabiting in a house with an ex can very quickly get ugly (speaking from bitter experience) and you definitely deserve better than being strung along by someone who seems to want the best of both worlds. Stay strong xx


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Orla said:


> I feel like even if he decides he wants you over his bit of fluff, what would happen when the next bit of fluff comes along? And would you ever be able to trust him again? It sounds very much like he needs you far more than you need him (even though you clearly love him still, which is natural after so many years history together). If it were me, I think I would be making plans to get out of your joint property and out of his life as soon as is practical as being stuck cohabiting in a house with an ex can very quickly get ugly (speaking from bitter experience) and you definitely deserve better than being strung along by someone who seems to want the best of both worlds. Stay strong xx


I am incredibly independent and can be very hard when I want to (in an emotional sense, although I did punch a bloke that was 6 foot 2 in my local Wetherspoons but that's another story) so I'm finding it shocking that I'm acting so weak now.

Must try harder.

Thanks everyone for your replies again xxx


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## Jannor (Oct 26, 2013)

I'm glad you're feeling up to sorting some things out now.

I would get legal advice soon - you don't have to act on it until/unless you want to, it's just good to be aware of your options. I do think others are right and he's taking his time as he's hedging his bets re the skanky barmaid, but just in case he's being sneaky re other things I think I'd have a chat with a solicitor just to double check you're not missing anything he might be up to financially.


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## Picklelily (Jan 2, 2013)

I haven't read all the thread but I agree with Jannor you need legal advice.
Also you can go see a relationship counsellor without him, it can be very useful to clarify where you want to be moving forward. Giving you someone to talk to who has no emotional relationship with either of you is very helpful. Try contacting relate.


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## CuddleMonster (Mar 9, 2016)

I agree - legal advice asap. I'm suspicious as to why he is wanting you to let the tenant know but not making anything formal. Is he getting his own advice and trying to work out how to get as much as possible out of this? Legal advice doesn't commit you either way, but it does mean you are protecting yourself


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## Boxerluver30 (Jun 14, 2017)

So sorry you are in this situation @MilleD , sending you hugs and strength to get through this x. I don't have any advice but I agree this guy sounds very dodgy (and a d**khead for messing with your feelings like this) and it probably is best to get out now while you have the chance. I hope everything goes ok with your tenant and you can come to some kind of agreement. Look after yourself now and hope your cats are looking after you as well and providing some comfort x


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Boxerluver30 said:


> So sorry you are in this situation @MilleD , sending you hugs and strength to get through this x. I don't have any advice but I agree this guy sounds very dodgy (and a d**khead for messing with your feelings like this) and it probably is best to get out now while you have the chance. I hope everything goes ok with your tenant and you can come to some kind of agreement. Look after yourself now and hope your cats are looking after you as well and providing some comfort x


Thank you for your kind wishes.

The cats to be fair are driving me bonkers. I think it might be because it's sunny. They are going in and out of the cat flap like no-ones business, then hurtling around the lounge for a bit.

When they are a bit calmer they are a comfort


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## Summercat (Oct 8, 2017)

@MilleD 
If the one flat was yours but you added him to the tenancy agreement and the house is his, you both will still share the third property or am I mixed up?


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## crystalwitch (Mar 27, 2017)

I agree with Jannor and Cuddlemonster- as soon as I read that your ex is ok with you telling the tenant what the situation is, but not with you serving notice, I thought that he's giving himself more time to sort his position out. If you don't get some legal advice, and soon, you may find that he's taken steps to protect his own interests. Because your house has both your names on the tenancy agreement, he may well try to claim that he is entitled to half of what rent would have been paid if tenant stayed. As for choosing you, he may, but your position would be a lot stronger if you were living independent of him (and it wouldn't hurt if he thought you were seeing someone else) but if he turns up and says he wants you, check that it is his choice and not just because bar maid chucked him! Personally, I would never trust anyone again if they had treated me like he has treated you.


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## Jonescat (Feb 5, 2012)

If it was me, even if I still thought I wanted him, we'd have to start over because the deal we had would be over, and I'd want that clear. So I would separate, start my life again with us in separate houses and settle in to that, and then see if I wanted to see him again from the point of view of my new life, not my old one, even if I cried myself to sleep every night. But you might not want to do that 

I would be careful though to do things at your pace not his - he could be consulting a lawyer himself, he could have worked out he needs 6 months before he can do whatever it is he has in mind, he might just be trying to slow it down and stop you being in control of him when he thought it was the other way round, but you don't have to pay a blind bit of attention. 

I think you should also go to the Bristol CC meetup and have lots of hugs and cocktails! Forwards, not backwards!


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## moggie14 (Sep 11, 2013)

I agree with all the comments about getting advice regarding the financial situation. A friend of mine recently split from her husband only to find before the split he had already consulted with a professional and knew before she did exactly what he could do or was entitled to.
Get there first is my advice! Knowledge is power! Xx


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## SbanR (Jun 16, 2017)

@MilleD a thought has been popping into my head n won't go away. Does OH know you come onto CC? If so, he might be monitoring this thread. He'll realise your intentions. Might be advisable to get legal n financial advice pdq!!


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Summercat said:


> @MilleD
> If the one flat was yours but you added him to the tenancy agreement and the house is his, you both will still share the third property or am I mixed up?


We own both a house and a flat jointly. Then his name is also on the tenancy agreement for my house. And we currently live in his house. Sounds like a nightmare to unravel?


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

SbanR said:


> @MilleD a thought has been popping into my head n won't go away. Does OH know you come onto CC? If so, he might be monitoring this thread. He'll realise your intentions. Might be advisable to get legal n financial advice pdq!!


He knows I use this website I suppose. I hadn't really thought that he would cone on here as it's not really his bag. But I suppose it's possible.

With regards the him sorting himself out first before greeting rid of me, that doesn't sound like him. He tends to be a bit more straightforward than that. But again, I could be wrong.


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## Summercat (Oct 8, 2017)

Ah ok, so you each have your own place and two in common.

I would (but of course again outside looking in) is move into the place that is owned by myself alone. Take stock, get the legal advice regarding finances and then in the future decide if the relationship can be viable again, if you both want that.
Right now you have been delt a blow and that can make thinking clearly and in your own interest harder. Time to go away, lick your wounds and think.


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## CuddleMonster (Mar 9, 2016)

MilleD said:


> He knows I use this website I suppose. I hadn't really thought that he would cone on here as it's not really his bag. But I suppose it's possible.
> 
> With regards the him sorting himself out first before greeting rid of me, that doesn't sound like him. He tends to be a bit more straightforward than that. But again, I could be wrong.


Well, if he is on this site, he will have worked out by now that you have an army of PF supporters who are very angry on your behalf, so hopefully that will keep him from causing any trouble.


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## Erenya (Jul 22, 2014)

MilleD said:


> Do you get away with the one month's notice? I thought 2 was by law on the S21?


2 months notice is now law and it's not actually that simple, as any notice given comes into play at the start of the tenants next rental period - which is the first day after they pay rent. So if the tenant pays their rent monthly, on the last day of the month, then their rental period starts on the 1st of the next month. So in this example, if you give notice on the 14th Feb, the notice wouldn't start until the 1st March and the tenant wouldn't legally need to leave until the 30th April.

I found this all out when my previous landlord sold the property we were renting - thank goodness I did as he tried to say it was 1 months notice from the date he'd given us notice and we were able to prove him wrong...

I'm glad you're feeling better about your options - options are good, they give you back control


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## Jesthar (May 16, 2011)

MilleD said:


> He also tells, not quite lies, but mistruths quite a bit. I'm used to it now, but I fell for it when we first met.
> 
> For instance "I drive a 2 seater" I think sports car, reality - Volkswagon Caddy van.
> 
> Or "I have a place is Spain with 200 almond trees" I think wow, he must be well off, reality - it's his parents place.


Hmm, let me quote you a little something from the fabulous Randy Rainbow's 'Factchecker' (about Trump and co. - sing to the tune of 'Matchmaker' from 'Fiddler on the Roof')

"Factchecker, factchecker find me some facts
I can't keep up, I can't relax!
I thought that facts that you fictionalise
Were called something else - like 'lies'... "

Basically, being economical with the truth is still a form of lying. I tmight not be what we would classically call an outright lie, but it can be more insidious, as it tends to condition us to accept and even excuse that the person in question is prone to bending reality.


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## ExD (Jul 1, 2016)

This sounds bossy - but have you contacted that solicitor yet?
I don't want to frighten you but please keep your tenant sweet. It cost my daughter and husband over £2000 to get rid of the tenant in their house (they owed 6 months rent by the time they left, and then they trashed the place).
The advice about important papers etc is very sound (please do it now) but your solicitor will be the best person to advise you on bank accounts and entitlement to rent etc. You do need to get in there before your 'partner' gets in first - are you working and can't find the time? Is he in work or claiming benefits? I used to work in a benefits office and know claimants have a lot of 'rights' that could cause you problems.
I sense you're still not sure about leaving?


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

ExD said:


> This sounds bossy - but have you contacted that solicitor yet?
> I don't want to frighten you but please keep your tenant sweet. It cost my daughter and husband over £2000 to get rid of the tenant in their house (they owed 6 months rent by the time they left, and then they trashed the place).
> The advice about important papers etc is very sound (please do it now) but your solicitor will be the best person to advise you on bank accounts and entitlement to rent etc. You do need to get in there before your 'partner' gets in first - are you working and can't find the time? Is he in work or claiming benefits? I used to work in a benefits office and know claimants have a lot of 'rights' that could cause you problems.
> I sense you're still not sure about leaving?


No I haven't yet. A bit nervous of it to be honest.

I am keeping the tenant sweet, I'm hoping I won't have any problems with him. Are you asking if the tenant is on benefits or my partner? Neither are, just unsure which you were asking about.

Yes, I still don't know what to do.


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## Jesthar (May 16, 2011)

MilleD said:


> Yes, I still don't know what to do.


Then do your groundwork and get your legal advice anyway. Better to have it and not need it, than need it and not have it.

Or to put it another way, ever wondered why Ordnance Survey maps are so called? It's because they were originally commissioned as military maps so in the event of either civil war or an invasion, the army would already have accurate maps and be able to precisely aim their guns on the enemy no matter where they were. Likewise, having legal information in advance doesn't mean are committing to a battle, but if it does happen you'll know the lie of the land and how best to defend yourself.


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## ExD (Jul 1, 2016)

Jesthar I loved the bit about ordnance survey maps, something to remember.
Actually I was asking about the tenant because I was remembering the tenant we had who was on benefits (she said she wasn't but it turned out she was). I'm glad your tenant is being reasonable as its a horrible situation to be in if you are forced to go to court to get your home back.
Solicitors are helpful people with knowledge at their fingertips, they are running their own businesses (with or without partners) and keen to have your custom. There are plenty of female ones around if you'd feel more comfortable with a woman, although its pleasing to see you have male supporters on here. I have a friend I was at school with who is a solicitor and she's just the same as you or me.
I don't know how you go about choosing one - maybe Google something like 'legal family advice in Such and such a town')?


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## ExD (Jul 1, 2016)

Nothing on this thread since yesterday.
Have you given up?
Do read through all these posts - lots of people are bending over backwards to be helpful but no results as yet. What are you intending to do about the situation because the ball is firmly in your court now.
This is straight talking BUT if you're too nervous to see a solicitor and too nervous to leave - you are going to stay in the status quo aren't you? Is doing nothing your choice after all?
Oh my dear, please try to take control and decide whether you want to stay as you are, or bite the bullet and go for freedom. You will be upset and lonely for a time, but summer is coming and you will eventually feel more content if you go. 
Just don't go looking for another man to fill his place quickly and jump out of the frying pan into the fire will you?. And keep your own home like Camilla, lol. ((Hugs)) ((Strength))


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## SusieRainbow (Jan 21, 2013)

OP has an awful lot to think about , maybe we should give her chance to mull it over and work things out her own way. She has had a lot of advice that she needs to consider and I'm not sure a pep-talk is what she needs right now.


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## Calvine (Aug 20, 2012)

Jesthar said:


> a form of lying.


It's ''lying by omission'' . . . that's what I call it, anyway!


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## Mirandashell (Jan 10, 2017)

@MilleD


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## ExD (Jul 1, 2016)

Sorry Millie if I sounded unsympathetic - it wasn't intended that way..


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Sorry guys. I'm still here.

The whether or not to leave issue has been settled as 'OH' apparently phoned one of my sisters yesterday to tell her I need more support!

I could properly kill him. They have been offering all the support in the world, It's just I haven't told him that as it's frankly none of his business.

She said he talked an awful lot about himself (no shock there) and that he's told me it's over but is worried that if I move out I'll do something stupid.

Of course this panicked the hell out of her, which was completely unnecessary. So will be issuing notice to the tenant and get back my house.

Saw another of my sisters today as she is going skiing in Poland so won't be about for a little while.

Oh and THANK YOU for the plaque I was sent, it made me cry a little but I love it. I'll post a pic when I'm on my phone.

xxx


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

ExD said:


> Sorry Millie if I sounded unsympathetic - it wasn't intended that way..


I didn't take it that way :Kiss I perhaps do need a kick up the butt.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

The beautiful plaque I was sent. Pictured in the sunshine streaming through the kitchen window xx


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## kimthecat (Aug 11, 2009)

MilleD said:


> The beautiful plaque I was sent. Pictured in the sunshine streaming through the kitchen window xx
> 
> View attachment 344655


Ah That's lovely 

Listen , don't let the fact you have been with your partner for many years influence your decision not to leave him . 
It's not wasted time , its is experiencing life , part of your journey .


----------



## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

kimthecat said:


> Ah That's lovely
> 
> Listen , don't let the fact you have been with your partner for many years influence your decision not to leave him .
> It's not wasted time , its is experiencing life , part of your journey .


I think that's exactly what I'm doing


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## Jesthar (May 16, 2011)

MilleD said:


> I think that's exactly what I'm doing


Hon, if a shirt's dirty, it's dirty. It might have been your favourite shirt for a long while, but some things just don't wash out, no matter how hard you try.

The stunt he pulled with your sister is just more proof he's thinking of himself, not you - not only is he faking concern and trying to scare your family into pressuring you to stay, he's trying to cast himself as the victim when he's the one cheating on the relationship. Starting to sound rather narcissistic to me...

*hugs*


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

I've contacted the tenant and issued notice. Will be taking the paperwork round tomorrow.


Jesthar said:


> Hon, if a shirt's dirty, it's dirty. It might have been your favourite shirt for a long while, but some things just don't wash out, no matter how hard you try.
> 
> The stunt he pulled with your sister is just more proof he's thinking of himself, not you - not only is he faking concern and trying to scare your family into pressuring you to stay, he's trying to cast himself as the victim when he's the one cheating on the relationship. *Starting to sound rather narcissistic to me.*..
> 
> *hugs*


And there it is in a nutshell.

http://www.health.com/health/gallery/0,,20981393,00.html#you-re-famous-for-holding-grudges-0


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

I've also looked at the area on Rightmove and there seems to be quite a lot of choice on the market at the moment thankfully.

Ha ha, there's a house about 3 doors from mine up for rent. He wouldn't have to hire a removals van


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## LewisH (Dec 12, 2017)

What a di*k move calling your sister! I've seen that card played before.

I hope your tenant is OK with being served notice. It's a bit of upheaval for the pair of you, but hopefully he'll understand. 

I really do hope you get to have some peace at the end of this whole ordeal.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

LewisH said:


> What a di*k move calling your sister! I've seen that card played before.
> 
> I hope your tenant is OK with being served notice. It's a bit of upheaval for the pair of you, but hopefully he'll understand.
> 
> I really do hope you get to have some peace at the end of this whole ordeal.


Thank you. I do feel really bad for the tenant, but I have no other option. And I don't want to have to move the cats twice anyway.

I really have no clue how that's going to shake out.


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## CuddleMonster (Mar 9, 2016)

Sending huge hugs and congratulations that you've been able to take the first step toward building your new life. What a lovely plaque - I hope there will be many rainbows and stars beyond number to make the future bright for you. Hugs from me & Bonnie


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## Orla (Sep 16, 2015)

Well done on talking the first step. That trick he pulled was beyond low. Do you have a spare room in your current house where you can start to box up the things you aren't likely to need until after you move? I find that if I start packing, my current place immediately feels less like home so it is easier to say goodbye to that part of my life. On a more cynical note, it also gives him less chance to start laying claim to things and hiding them away. You are going to have a great life with your own home, lovely kitties, and I suspect the more distance you get from him, the more you will see you deserved better


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

CuddleMonster said:


> Sending huge hugs and congratulations that you've been able to take the first step toward building your new life. What a lovely plaque - I hope there will be many rainbows and stars beyond number to make the future bright for you. Hugs from me & Bonnie


Thank you CuddleMonster and Bonnie x


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Orla said:


> Well done on talking the first step. That trick he pulled was beyond low. Do you have a spare room in your current house where you can start to box up the things you aren't likely to need until after you move? I find that if I start packing, my current place immediately feels less like home so it is easier to say goodbye to that part of my life. On a more cynical note, it also gives him less chance to start laying claim to things and hiding them away. You are going to have a great life with your own home, lovely kitties, and I suspect the more distance you get from him, the more you will see you deserved better


I hope so x


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## huckybuck (Jan 17, 2014)

Well in one way I am pleased he phoned your sister (what an ar*ehole) as I suppose it has saved you from having to finally make the decision. I am sad for you though by the same score.

WELL DONE for serving notice straight away...I agree with all the others this is the first step towards your new happier life.

Stay strong, get that advice asap, don't take any more bullsh*t and you will find stars and rainbows in abundance.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

My tenant has said he will start house hunting straight away but is in Wales for the weekend so I'll see him Monday. He wants to have a chat which is always a little disconcerting.

Staffordshire University used to have a campus in Stafford, but it moved to Stoke and the rental market took a hit. So it looks like the availability and prices are better than when I let the house in 2015, so I don't think he'll have any problems finding somewhere.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

huckybuck said:


> Well in one way I am pleased he phoned your sister (what an ar*ehole) as I suppose it has saved you from having to finally make the decision. I am sad for you though by the same score.
> 
> WELL DONE for serving notice straight away...I agree with all the others this is the first step towards your new happier life.
> 
> Stay strong, get that advice asap, don't take any more bullsh*t and you will find stars and rainbows in abundance.


Thanks Huckybuck xx


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## huckybuck (Jan 17, 2014)

You never know he may be willing to leave sooner - think positive!!


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## Shrike (Jun 25, 2015)

MilleD said:


> My tenant has said he will start house hunting straight away but is in Wales for the weekend so I'll see him Monday. He wants to have a chat which is always a little disconcerting.
> 
> Staffordshire University used to have a campus in Stafford, but it moved to Stoke and the rental market took a hit. So it looks like the availability and prices are better than when I let the house in 2015, so I don't think he'll have any problems finding somewhere.


Perhaps you could do some preliminary research for him if you are at a lose end this weekend?


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Shrike said:


> Perhaps you could do some preliminary research for him if you are at a lose end this weekend?


I've had a look already. There are about 15 houses in the area in the same price bracket. Some are two beds though and mine is 3.

Found a nice one not far away for the same price with a nice garden.

Didn't know whether to let him though as it might seem as if I'm pressuring him. I'm sure he'll find them on Rightmove.


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## huckybuck (Jan 17, 2014)

At least when you have a chat you are armed with ideas for him.


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## jill3 (Feb 18, 2009)

Making that first move must have been very hard for you. Now you have put the wheels in motion you can look forward to your future. I am sure the cats will be fine. May be we can help with ideas for you garden and cat proofing. One step at a time though xx


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## Purplecatlover (Mar 12, 2017)

Have you received a card or anything through the post  @MilleD?


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## bluecordelia (Jan 5, 2014)

@MilleD I am glad you are taking positive steps although it was totally unforgivable for him to ring your sister. A real low blow.

Please take it easy this weekend. Remember you are only looking after yourself and the cats. No washing or cleaning duties please unless it is your own. Stay clear headed and list what you need to do xx


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## moggie14 (Sep 11, 2013)

Just catching up and really pleased you have been very strong today and made the first steps towards your new life 
Sounds like the tenant will be just fine, with a glowing reference from you too! Xx


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## NFC slave (Nov 7, 2017)

I have purposely not offered an opinion as I don't feel qualified to do so having made too many bad decisions in my life, however I just want to say that 20 years ago I ended up with nothing because he grabbed the lot and I was too beaten down to fight, I ended up with my dog and one suitcase of clothes, not much for a lifetime of hard work. But surprisingly I found that most of my possessions were unimportant and I survived well withou them. My health both mental and physical improved and I actually made it. Keep your chin up you will be fine x


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## kimthecat (Aug 11, 2009)

Could you have the current tenant as a lodger ?

This little bird keeps me going when times are difficult.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Faye1995 said:


> Have you received a card or anything through the post  @MilleD?


Sorry, forgot to post this. Yes it came a couple of days ago xx thank you all.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

kimthecat said:


> Could you have the current tenant as a lodger ?
> 
> This little bird keeps me going when times are difficult.
> 
> View attachment 344696


No I'd rather not. See previous post about alleged assault!

Love your little bird xx


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## huckybuck (Jan 17, 2014)

MilleD said:


> Sorry, forgot to post this. Yes it came a couple of days ago xx thank you all.
> 
> View attachment 344707


Aww that's a lovely card! What a kind thought xx


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Inside xx


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## Purplecatlover (Mar 12, 2017)

MilleD said:


> Inside xx
> 
> View attachment 344714


I'm so so glad you got it. Sorry. I thought it hadn't turned up. Xxx


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Also bought this little book. 









This little poem really hit home as I make jewellery and paint and all motivation has deserted me.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Faye1995 said:


> I'm so so glad you got it. Sorry. I thought it hadn't turned up. Xxx


No it did, thank you. My brain is mush and I forgot to post about it. Xx


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

My older sister is going to Poland skiing and is worried about me. I tried to reassure her that I'll be fine. Hope she doesn't worry. Love her loads. And my other sisters. Very lucky


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## kimthecat (Aug 11, 2009)

MilleD said:


> No I'd rather not. See previous post about alleged assault!
> 
> Love your little bird xx


 Oh dear.  Sorry I missed that post.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

kimthecat said:


> Oh dear.  Sorry I missed that post.


Ha ha, don't worry. I think he maybe had a few buttons that his ex pressed... she did run off with his brother after all x


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

My new favourite song. She was on Graham Norton and fabulous.






Edit to add this. Wow. Go to 59 seconds.


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## kimthecat (Aug 11, 2009)

That's beautiful .


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

And the version I saw on Graham Norton. Who does all this upload stuff??


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## Pardis (Feb 7, 2018)

MilleD said:


> I am incredibly independent and can be very hard when I want to (in an emotional sense, although I did punch a bloke that was 6 foot 2 in my local Wetherspoons but that's another story) so I'm finding it shocking that I'm acting so weak now.
> 
> Must try harder.
> 
> Thanks everyone for your replies again xxx


Just a sleep deprived internet stranger chiming in but wanted to send you hugs and let you know from what I have read here you don't seem weak at all! You seem to be handling this shit pile of a situation remarkably well and it's great that you already have a plan of action for your future. Something like this would knock down pretty much anyone. You're getting back up, that's amazing and will be shitty and difficult for a while but you can do it.

And he can go touch your feet as we say in Germany (I love using German sayings ever since moved to England to confuse people... I'm lame). Karma is a thing.


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## Calvine (Aug 20, 2012)

MilleD said:


> but is worried that if I move out I'll do something stupid.


Methinks he doth flatter himself: what a vainglorious and conceited comment . . . I mean, he seriously thinks you can't live without him? He's making a really pathetic attempt to appear decent and caring. The look on your beautiful cat's face really sums it all up for me - shocked and a tad disdainful!


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## ExD (Jul 1, 2016)

Just a quick message to say I'm thinking of you, especially today as Sundays can sometimes be a bit trying if everyone's at home together. I find Sunday is a good day to get out and do my weekly supermarket shop.


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## Elsiebea (Apr 24, 2015)

Hi @MilleD 
I've not been on the forums for quite sometime as have been going through a bad personal time.
I wanted to say earlier on in the thread that you should be in charge of your own destiny. He has set the seed of doubt and no matter how much you love him and want to be with him, I'm afraid there's no coming back from this, even if he begs for you two to get back together. 
As I read further on I see you have seized power, are not going to be walked over and are looking after no.1 whilst doing it all with dignity. Well done. You are amazing and can achieve anything.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

So I've been to see the tenant this morning. No mean feat considering the weather and I stupidly decided to the the lanes as there was an accident on the m6 which can clog the main roads. 

He was telling me the anti depressants he's on, like I could feel any worse. 

The OH is still hugely blowing hot and cold and still hasn't really given me a reason for any of this happening. 

So confused, but the wheels are in motion now. Just wish I knew why.


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## Elsiebea (Apr 24, 2015)

Moving is horrible and stressful for everyone. Your tennant will be fine, as you say there are properties available. What are you supposed to do? Be homeless whilst he sits in your home?


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

He


ExD said:


> Just a quick message to say I'm thinking of you, especially today as Sundays can sometimes be a bit trying if everyone's at home together. I find Sunday is a good day to get out and do my weekly supermarket shop.


He went out and bought Sunday lunch from our local English takeaway.

Then we sat at the table and ate together. It's properly like nothing has happened at certain times which is why I don't understand what's going on. Soooooo frustrating, I could scream.


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## Elsiebea (Apr 24, 2015)

Can I ask why you chose to eat with him? A genuine question. I’m not sure I would have or could have done that


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## huckybuck (Jan 17, 2014)

Was the tenant ok about it?

Do you think he may move out sooner?


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## ewelsh (Jan 26, 2011)

Aw my lovely, I do feel for you, if he were an outward prat to your face you could except things a lot easier, as it is he is playing “the nice guy”
Hasn’t he already given you a reason good enough to leave? The fact he said he is not happy and the trashy bar maid is enough surly?

You have to decide, are you willing to stay pretending all is well? Stay in the unknown waiting for him to say “please leave” Or leave and make a new fresh start.

I think your afraid which is totally understandable. Humongous hugs xx


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Elsiebea said:


> Can I ask why you chose to eat with him? A genuine question. I'm not sure I would have or could have done that


Because it feels sometimes like it isn't happening. Perhaps I like the pretense too...

And crazily, I still like spending time with him


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## Mirandashell (Jan 10, 2017)

That's perfectly normal I think. This hit you out of the blue so it must sometimes feel like it didn't really happen. And he is still the man you fell in love with, despite his stupid destructive behaviour recently. So I get why you join in with the normal stuff.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

huckybuck said:


> Was the tenant ok about it?
> 
> Do you think he may move out sooner?


He was fine, if a little sad. I think he may move pretty quickly, that's if he takes stock of the rental market as things do tend to become available and get filled pretty quick.

I've told him I'll have a look what's out there as he only has his phone and says he finds it difficult to look on that.


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## Jesthar (May 16, 2011)

MilleD said:


> The OH is still hugely blowing hot and cold and still hasn't really given me a reason for any of this happening.
> 
> So confused, but the wheels are in motion now. Just wish I knew why.





MilleD said:


> He
> 
> He went out and bought Sunday lunch from our local English takeaway.
> 
> Then we sat at the table and ate together. It's properly like nothing has happened at certain times which is why I don't understand what's going on. Soooooo frustrating, I could scream.


Hmm... Have a read up on 'gaslighting' - it might help explain a few things.

*hugs*


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Jesthar said:


> Hmm... Have a read up on 'gaslighting' - it might help explain a few things.
> 
> *hugs*


Yeah I mentioned that a while back on the thread. It wouldn't surprise me.

So, who has advice on how to move 4 cats? One of who hates one of the others?


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## ewelsh (Jan 26, 2011)

Back to basics I would say, keep one cat in a room alone to settle in new house, the others in another room. Introductions slow.
Plug ins
Take as much scent from your old house to your new! 
Try keep routine the same re feeding litter trays etc


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## Elsiebea (Apr 24, 2015)

Stay strong and don’t let him mess with your head. I wish you the very best


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## Charity (Apr 17, 2013)

I think it feels like it isn't happening some of the time because you are being so reasonable, if you were someone who constantly screamed, ranted and raged at him and threw things or refused to do anything around the house or eat with him, it wouldn't be like this, in fact, I expect he'd be too scared to come home then. Your day will come, just be strong when it comes to actually moving out.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Charity said:


> I think it feels like it isn't happening some of the time because you are being so reasonable, if you were someone who constantly screamed, ranted and raged at him and threw things or refused to do anything around the house or eat with him, it wouldn't be like this, in fact, I expect he'd be too scared to come home then. Your day will come, just be strong when it comes to actually moving out.


You could be right. My sister said if she was me, all his clothing would be inn inch size pieces by now.

I've just never been one for wanton destruction as I was taught the value of things.

Someone I know had a huge argument with her other half. He came home to a burning pile of his treasured football shirts in the front garden. And they are still together.

I could be of course that I'm not at the burning bridges stage yet and I end up shreding something he really cares about :Angelic


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## ewelsh (Jan 26, 2011)

That would be me I’m afraid, I have a black temper when pushed, I loose it then cry! 



I heard of one lady in the same boat as you, her OH went away for a week while she moved out, she sprinkled crest seeds all over the carpets and watered the carpets then turned the heating right up, he came home to a lovely lush green carpet throughout


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## Gwen9244 (Nov 10, 2012)

Probably an urban myth but the one where the ex-girlfriend sewed prawns into the hems of all the curtains.


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## Mirandashell (Jan 10, 2017)

I know someone who hung a fish behind the radiator. Took ages to get rid of the smell.


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## ewelsh (Jan 26, 2011)

My friend really went to town on her husband, she absolutely trashed his Porsche convertible, not one part of the car was in tact!

Oddly enough they stayed together!


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## ewelsh (Jan 26, 2011)

Mirandashell said:


> I know someone who hung a fish behind the radiator. Took ages to get rid of the smell.


Poor fish!


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## Mirandashell (Jan 10, 2017)

ewelsh said:


> Poor fish!


ermmm..... It was a kipper she got from a supermarket.....


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## ewelsh (Jan 26, 2011)

Mirandashell said:


> ermmm..... It was a kipper she got from a supermarket.....


Oh ha! Ok poor kipper


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

I've thought of a silver lining. I won't have to pay capital gains tax on any increase in value on the property if I sell it once I've lived in it for a year :Smuggrin


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## Gallifreyangirl (Feb 11, 2015)

Really sorry to hear what's going on @MilleD and glad to see you have given your tenant notice. Have to say your ex OH sounds like he's indecisive to say the least.


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## bluecordelia (Jan 5, 2014)

It’s so hard as heart and head sometimes go in opposite directions. 

I heard of a rental vehicle going back with something in the lining. The van was written off but in time would have been a bargain 

Keep strong x


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## Calvine (Aug 20, 2012)

Elsiebea said:


> What are you supposed to do? Be homeless whilst he sits in your home?


Of course not; but @MilleD just feels awful about having to do it to a decent guy who is not in any way at fault and, according to one of her earlier posts, has been a very good tenant. I'd feel rotten having to do it, too.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Calvine said:


> Of course not; but @MilleD just feels awful about having to do it to a decent guy who is not in any way at fault and, according to one of her earlier posts, has been a very good tenant. I'd feel rotten having to do it, too.


That's about it. I've sent him some leads on other properties but tried to stress that I'm not pressuring him into leaving early. Its a bit of a minefield!

Finally cracked at work, someone asked me what I was doing for Valentine's day...


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## LewisH (Dec 12, 2017)

All landlords feel bad when they have to serve notice to a tenant for such a personal reason. Totally not the tenants fault, which is why it's always nice to give them as mush assistance as possible, as long as the process remain amicable of course.

My old landlord was retiring and selling his rentals to bolster his pension as he was self employed.

For the two months the property was marketed, I got a 30% discount on my rent and he paid for a cleaner to keep the place spotless when the EA was showing people round. Was pretty handy actually!


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## ewelsh (Jan 26, 2011)

Yes I thought of you the other day when valentines was mentioned. Try think of things this way, valentines is just a retailers way of getting cash out of people, most flowers die in days anyway, the day never lives up to our expectations.

One day doesn’t mean LOVE

This will be a difficult time for you, things will improve I promise. Anyway you can go to a friends that evening?


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## Mirandashell (Jan 10, 2017)

MilleD said:


> That's about it. I've sent him some leads on other properties but tried to stress that I'm not pressuring him into leaving early. Its a bit of a minefield!
> 
> Finally cracked at work, someone asked me what I was doing for Valentine's day...


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## CuddleMonster (Mar 9, 2016)

I'm afraid a lot of men are like your OH - will say/do anything to avoid a scene and are quite happy to mislead you if they get what they want. The fact that he is sharing a takeaway with you doesn't mean he is changing his mind, it just means he would rather eat with you (in absence of other girlfriend) than on his own. 

I once asked my now-ex-boyfriend if he wanted to finish our relationship as I'd sensed a change in him. He not only denied it, but said I was the only woman in the world for him and he wanted us to get married asap. Then he went off on a business trip away, leaving me beating myself up for being a nasty, suspicious, jealous girlfriend...until I read the announcement of his engagement to someone else in the local paper! He must have already been engaged to her when I asked him, but still preferred to avoid having a direct confrontation! And presumably wanted me as a 'backup' in case anything went wrong with girlfriend number 1! 

The only times I've known a guy change his mind in this kind of situation, there's been a full confession, a very clear statement that he wants the relationship back and will do anything to achieve it, and a willingness to do whatever you ask to get this. The focus has been totally on the OH and what she wants. Your OH is showing none of these signs, so I reckon he is just happy to enjoy your company in the absence of another.


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## CuddleMonster (Mar 9, 2016)

ewelsh said:


> Anyway you can go to a friends that evening?


If you can bear to, I would dress up and go out without saying where, even if you have to sit in a supermarket café for a few hours!!!


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

CuddleMonster said:


> If you can bear to, I would dress up and go out without saying where, even if you have to sit in a supermarket café for a few hours!!!


Well the vision of me sitting in me glad rags eating sausage chips and beans has cheered me up no end.

Hee hee.


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## Calvine (Aug 20, 2012)

CuddleMonster said:


> I'm afraid a lot of men are like your OH - will say/do anything to avoid a scene and are quite happy to mislead you if they get what they want. The fact that he is sharing a takeaway with you doesn't mean he is changing his mind, it just means he would rather eat with you (in absence of other girlfriend) than on his own.
> 
> I once asked my now-ex-boyfriend if he wanted to finish our relationship as I'd sensed a change in him. He not only denied it, but said I was the only woman in the world for him and he wanted us to get married asap. Then he went off on a business trip away, leaving me beating myself up for being a nasty, suspicious, jealous girlfriend...until I read the announcement of his engagement to someone else in the local paper! He must have already been engaged to her when I asked him, but still preferred to avoid having a direct confrontation! And presumably wanted me as a 'backup' in case anything went wrong with girlfriend number 1!
> 
> The only times I've known a guy change his mind in this kind of situation, there's been a full confession, a very clear statement that he wants the relationship back and will do anything to achieve it, and a willingness to do whatever you ask to get this. The focus has been totally on the OH and what she wants. Your OH is showing none of these signs, so I reckon he is just happy to enjoy your company in the absence of another.


You are spot on! I think the bottom line is that most men are cowards.
I read years ago that in something like 75% of divorce cases it is the woman who instigates them and makes the first move towards the divorce (and tbh I would not be at all surprised).
I just remembered this little gem: years ago I worked with a girl/young woman and after she moved jobs I heard from her that she had got married. We stayed loosely in touch (Christmas cards etc) and about three/four years after the wedding I got a letter to say she was by herself, husband had gone. Apparently, while he was still living with her, but unknown to her, he was having a house built _just for himself_. The reason she did not find out was that all the post/phone calls etc concerning the house being built went thro' his work address. She had no idea, not the slightest inkling, in fact she imagined that they would shortly start a family.


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## Calvine (Aug 20, 2012)

CuddleMonster said:


> If you can bear to, I would dress up and go out without saying where, even if you have to sit in a supermarket café for a few hours!!!


There's still time for us all to send her a card!!


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## SbanR (Jun 16, 2017)

@MilleD if you haven't already done so, how about starting your cat's on zylkene. Also get some beaphar calming spot on to apply just prior to the move


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## CuddleMonster (Mar 9, 2016)

Calvine said:


> There's still time for us all to send her a card!!


Maybe with 'can't wait to see you tonight' on it?! Well, we will be seeing her on PF!


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## Mirandashell (Jan 10, 2017)

My ex was the same. He would say things in a text message but would barely look at me when I was in front of him. The last time I saw him was when I was about to walk out of our home for the last time.

Me - Have you got anything to say to me after throwing away 15 years together?
Him (eyes fixed firmly on Bargain Hunt) - No.
Me - Thought not.

Half an hour later when I'm on the bus I get a text. <Do you want to talk?>

My reply was short and sweet. But he'd have to be a contortionist to do it!


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## AmsMam (Nov 25, 2014)

Mirandashell said:


> I know someone who hung a fish behind the radiator. Took ages to get rid of the smell.


My cat vomited down the back of our bedroom radiator once. That was a pain to clean up as well.

:Angelic


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## Guest (Feb 12, 2018)

You could just quietly sew his sleeves up. My mum did that to my dad's cardigan that he wore every day and watched him try to get it on whilst pretending to sleep :Smuggrin:Hilarious there was a good reason for it of course.

Sending hugs and I think considering, you are coping amazingly. Strength. You will be ok and we are all here to support you along the way xx


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

tonight was probably the first night I've actually been pretty mean. 

Strangely he's not talking to me at the moment. Nice.


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## Mirandashell (Jan 10, 2017)

Sounds fairly typical.


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## Blaise in Surrey (Jun 10, 2014)

Yes, the rule for that type of man seems to be that they can behave however they like but the woman must continue to behave exactly as normal. (Reader, I was married to him!)


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Blaise in Surrey said:


> Yes, the rule for that type of man seems to be that they can behave however they like but the woman must continue to behave exactly as normal. (Reader, I was married to him!)


He's back to being nice this morning. Made me a cup of tea.


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## Summercat (Oct 8, 2017)

I still think there is an alterior motive. Buying lunch, making cups of tea is different from being polite while things get sorted out. 

Not to nag but did you book an appt for legal/financial advice?


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Summercat said:


> I still think there is an alterior motive. Buying lunch, making cups of tea is different from being polite while things get sorted out.
> 
> Not to nag but did you book an appt for legal/financial advice?


Not yet. I need to get organised with all my stuff first. Work out proportions of money that have gone into the properties etc.

I honestly think he's just keeping me sweet as he knows I could legally go for half of both of the properties.


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## ewelsh (Jan 26, 2011)

And if you are legally entitled you do it, cause he would!



Cup of tea indeed


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## Jackie C (Feb 16, 2016)

I hope after all this sadness and pain, you can get fair justice for the years of hard work and money spent, Millie x


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

ewelsh said:


> And if you are legally entitled you do it, cause he would!
> 
> Cup of tea indeed


You're very feisty aren't you? 

I won't go for half though as I know I didn't put half in, and that's not me. When I got divorced, I left my ex with the house we lived in because he put all the deposit down.

I took a bit of money and my car and started again. And felt I could live with myself for being fair. Others said I was an idiot, but you got to do what you feel is right.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Jackie C said:


> I hope after all this sadness and pain, you can get fair justice for the years of hard work and money spent, Millie x


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## kimthecat (Aug 11, 2009)

CuddleMonster said:


> I'm afraid a lot of men are like your OH - will say/do anything to avoid a scene and are quite happy to mislead you if they get what they want. The fact that he is sharing a takeaway with you doesn't mean he is changing his mind, it just means he would rather eat with you (in absence of other girlfriend) than on his own.
> 
> I once asked my now-ex-boyfriend if he wanted to finish our relationship as I'd sensed a change in him. He not only denied it, but said I was the only woman in the world for him and he wanted us to get married asap. Then he went off on a business trip away, leaving me beating myself up for being a nasty, suspicious, jealous girlfriend...until I read the announcement of his engagement to someone else in the local paper! He must have already been engaged to her when I asked him, but still preferred to avoid having a direct confrontation! And presumably wanted me as a 'backup' in case anything went wrong with girlfriend number 1!
> 
> The only times I've known a guy change his mind in this kind of situation, there's been a full confession, a very clear statement that he wants the relationship back and will do anything to achieve it, and a willingness to do whatever you ask to get this. The focus has been totally on the OH and what she wants. Your OH is showing none of these signs, so I reckon he is just happy to enjoy your company in the absence of another.


 I'm sorry to hear this . 
Ive had a man lie to me saying he was getting a divorce and we were going to get married . we were living together (or living in sin as it was known then! ) then his wife turned up. He was a habitual liar.


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## ewelsh (Jan 26, 2011)

MilleD said:


> You're very feisty aren't you?
> 
> I won't go for half though as I know I didn't put half in, and that's not me. When I got divorced, I left my ex with the house we lived in because he put all the deposit down.
> 
> I took a bit of money and my car and started again. And felt I could


I am with such behaviour such as this, be it man or women. People can't go around hurting in such a way. People should be prepared to work at things and not take the easy route, life can be full of heartache and with such misery in the world, why cause pain unnecessarily because it's easier.
It's called respect!

X


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

ewelsh said:


> I am with such behaviour such as this, be it man or women. People can't go around hurting in such a way. People should be prepared to work at things and not take the easy route, life can be full of heartache and with such misery in the world, why cause pain unnecessarily because it's easier.
> It's called respect!
> 
> X


I do get what you are saying, and I may get furious at some point, but I'm keeping my wits about me for now 

I did say to him I didn't know how he can do this when he knows I've suffered so much loss. All my grandparents and my beloved Dad were dead by the time I was 20, and my Mom died 18 months ago, and although we weren't close it still takes a toll to know you've become just that bit more alone in the world.

He's been lucky, his parents are still around and nearby so he hasn't had that pain yet. I would have been there for him when he eventually goes through that and he's thrown all that away.


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## ExD (Jul 1, 2016)

*I hesitate to put my oar in again and post this with the best of intentions and some hesitation. 
I'm sorry to nag, and I know that I am nagging and apologise, but I do fear if you put off the visit to the solicitor much longer you may find your joint pot is pretty empty by the time you get there.
This is not meant in any way as a criticism, but I had a friend who had that happen to her and he took half of what she had left even though he'd taken all their joint account for himself. She got practically nothing just because she'd played fair.
You are still coping remarkably well though Millie, all strength to you.
Have you got your cats on the zylkene Sbhan recommended? What is it anyway, a tranquiliser perhaps?*


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## kimthecat (Aug 11, 2009)

@MillieD  he doesn't deserve you . Its very up and down getting over someone, you can be fine and confident one minute and next hear a song and be sobbing . ( do not listen to Adelle songs unless you need a good cry !)
Its ok to feel sad and cry and to feel sorry for yourself at times and take to your bed. Its ok to spoil yourself and treat yourself to things you've always want .


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

ExD said:


> *I hesitate to put my oar in again and post this with the best of intentions and some hesitation.
> I'm sorry to nag, and I know that I am nagging and apologise, but I do fear if you put off the visit to the solicitor much longer you may find your joint pot is pretty empty by the time you get there.
> This is not meant in any way as a criticism, but I had a friend who had that happen to her and he took half of what she had left even though he'd taken all their joint account for himself. She got practically nothing just because she'd played fair.
> You are still coping remarkably well though Millie, all strength to you.
> Have you got your cats on the zylkene Sbhan recommended? What is it anyway, a tranquiliser perhaps?*


He isn't doing anything to the joint accounts I promise. I have too much control for that. Thank you for your concern though, I don't consider it nagging


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

ExD said:


> *Have you got your cats on the zylkene Sbhan recommended? What is it anyway, a tranquiliser perhaps?*


It's a calming supplement. I do have some somewhere, I'll dig it out. As I recall though, they weren't impressed last time I used it. Even mixed in food. fussy buggers.


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## ewelsh (Jan 26, 2011)

It's all so sad @MilleD your right, he has no concept of true pain, sadly it will come, as to us all.

I think you have to cope with all this as you are able, but you must protect yourself and don't ever allow him to put the blame on you, for you did nothing wrong!

Look after YOU


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

kimthecat said:


> @MillieD  he doesn't deserve you . Its very up and down getting over someone, you can be fine and confident one minute and next hear a song and be sobbing . ( do not listen to Adelle songs unless you need a good cry !)
> Its ok to feel sad and cry and to feel sorry for yourself at times and take to your bed. Its ok to spoil yourself and treat yourself to things you've always want .


It's not just Adele...

I can cry to pretty much anything at the moment.


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## huckybuck (Jan 17, 2014)

I do think the erratic behaviour is him feeling like he’s losing control so carry on being a little bit mean - he’s been more than that to you. He will def be wanting to keep you sweet on the other hand to try to regain that control he’s used to having. 

As long as you keep taking baby steps to looking after your own interests you are heading in the right direction.

Apparently turkey has lots of L trtophan (same as in xyklene) so get a few turkey curries/casseroles down you lol!!!


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## Westie Mum (Feb 5, 2015)

I've read through this whole thread this morning, how terribly sad  

Honestly - from an outsider looking in and one that has been through this herself ..... 

It sounds very much to me like he is trying to keep things peaceful at home and semi-normal because he is keeping you as his back up plan. It sounds like he is trying to make things work with this other woman but doesn't want to cut you off completely until he knows his new life is set up. 

Having been through this with an ex it's pretty common with them tbh. The anger at you going through his phone is text book! He will at some point probably tell you that he loves you but he isn't "in love" with you anymore. That he knows he loves you but not in a way that he thinks he should love you .... they often play the "i am so confused" role, all while planning and plotting their new life with the new love, but keeping you just close enough to be the back up if it doesnt work, because they do not ever want to end up alone. 

Do you want to be someone's back up plan ? 

Time to put your big girl pants on. Pack your stuff and leave. Not for forever - but check in a hotel, go on holiday, anything! Just get away from him, the house, etc for a good week or so and ignore every single text he will send you because once he feels like he is loosing control of the situation there will be a whole load of texts!. (Obviously that cats care while you are away would be an issue - if you think he would never feed them ask a friend,sister, family,whatever to go in and check on them)

You might find it's the kick up the bum he needs to get his head out the clouds, but if not, then you have lost nothing because you have given yourself some breathing space away from him and stregthened your own mental health and wellbeing. 

At the time my ex husband cheated on me i was running round still telling him i loved him, begging him to give our marriage another chance. I then joined a few online forums for relationships and once you start reading about how men (or women) generally act whilst caught up in an affair, you soon realise they are all pretty much text book. Look up affairs and 180. It explains all about doing a complete 180 turn in how you react/behave around your OH while they are having an affair. Do not be who they expect you to be .... they need to be shock bolted out of the "fog".

FWIW - I did leave my ex husband and i actually turned my phone off for a whole week while i took my little boy on holiday. I never told him where we had gone or if/when we would be back. When we got home he had ended the affair and begged me for forgiveness, which was a completely different situation from what i left. 

I didnt however work out long term. I left it too long to leave him initially and he had damaged us too much by then. I couldn't stand him near me so he went back to the other woman and i called it quits instantly as soon as i found out it was back on again. I've never looked back since.


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## Orla (Sep 16, 2015)

Regardless of whether he is blowing hot and cold, you have already made the decision to move out and you know that this is the right decision for you. If he is making you cups of tea and eating with you, does this change your decision to move out? Bearing in mind you already know he is seeing the barmaid and has told you it is over? Although him being okay with you might make it harder for you to hate him and accept it is over, believe me, it is far better that he is civilised (at least some of the time) then being downright awkward, argumentative, or aggressive. It will certainly make the remaining time you have in the house easier. Stick to your guns, keep focussing on the future, not the past you had with him, and if he wants to be friendly and do things for you, let him, just don't let him back in your bed!


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## kimthecat (Aug 11, 2009)

MilleD said:


> It's not just Adele...
> 
> I can cry to pretty much anything at the moment.


 Crying is therapeutic but preferable in private. The morning after the night before where you remember 
being drunk at a party and wildly sobbing and dancing at the same time ! I can laugh about it now ,


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## Purplecatlover (Mar 12, 2017)

Stay strong!!! Take things a day at a time, or even 5 mins at a time! We’re all here with you!!! Xx


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## Purplecatlover (Mar 12, 2017)

Xxx


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Westie Mum said:


> I've read through this whole thread this morning, how terribly sad
> 
> Honestly - from an outsider looking in and one that has been through this herself .....
> 
> ...


Thanks for your story, glad things worked out for you.

I can't get time away from work at the moment, and I really don't want to leave the cats with him. Think my eldest sister would take the opportunity to punch him if she came round to feed them


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Faye1995 said:


> View attachment 344995
> 
> 
> Xxx


Are you suggesting some sort of ABH is in order?


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## Purplecatlover (Mar 12, 2017)

MilleD said:


> Are you suggesting some sort of ABH is in order?


:Hilarious:Hilarious:Hilarious:Hilarious:Hilarious Hahahaha well.... if that what it takes


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Orla said:


> Regardless of whether he is blowing hot and cold, you have already made the decision to move out and you know that this is the right decision for you. If he is making you cups of tea and eating with you, does this change your decision to move out? Bearing in mind you already know he is seeing the barmaid and has told you it is over? Although him being okay with you might make it harder for you to hate him and accept it is over, believe me, it is far better that he is civilised (at least some of the time) then being downright awkward, argumentative, or aggressive. It will certainly make the remaining time you have in the house easier. Stick to your guns, keep focussing on the future, not the past you had with him, and if he wants to be friendly and do things for you, let him, just don't let him back in your bed!


No, it hasn't changed my mind.

On that last note, he came home the other night at 3 in the morning and then acted like he expected sex. I just laughed at him


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## Mirandashell (Jan 10, 2017)

MilleD said:


> No, it hasn't changed my mind.
> 
> On that last note, he came home the other night at 3 in the morning and then acted like he expected sex. I just laughed at him


It amazes me how men compartmentalise things like this. 'I want sex' seems to be completely seperate from 'I have really hurt this woman'. I don't know how they do it. It's like their brains are made of little boxes.


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## crystalwitch (Mar 27, 2017)

MilleD said:


> Not yet. I need to get organised with all my stuff first. Work out proportions of money that have gone into the properties etc.
> 
> I honestly think he's just keeping me sweet as he knows I could legally go for half of both of the properties.


You don't need to have your stuff organised to check where you stand. Honestly, everything I'm reading on here says he's keeping you sweet while he gets everything set up the way he wants. Whether you want half of everything or nothing at all, you *need *to know your rights. Even if you and he do end up together, do you want him to see you as the doormat he can wipe his feet on, or the strong woman who can answer his controlling attitude with "I know my rights"?


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## Jesthar (May 16, 2011)

MilleD said:


> On that last note, he came home the other night at 3 in the morning and then acted like he expected sex. I just laughed at him


Good reaction!

Hmm, maybe you should get one of 'those' life size inflatable dolls, and hand her over next time he gets frisky...


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## CuddleMonster (Mar 9, 2016)

MilleD said:


> I can't get time away from work at the moment, and I really don't want to leave the cats with him. * Think my eldest sister would take the opportunity to punch him if she came round to feed them*


Sounds like an EXCELLENT reason to leave the cats then!


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## Orla (Sep 16, 2015)

Mirandashell said:


> It amazes me how men compartmentalise things like this. 'I want sex' seems to be completely seperate from 'I have really hurt this woman'. I don't know how they do it. It's like their brains are made of little boxes.


Yep, definitely had one of those! He didn't seem to think there was anything wrong with coming back drunk and climbing in my bed when I was asleep, demanding sex, even when the house was on the market! That's why I said just roll with him being friendly in terms of eating together occasionally but keep to your boundaries and stay firm with your plan. It's better to play along as though you are at least friends than end up with him acting like he's been wronged and creating a situation. From his recent behaviour, getting out of there will be the best thing you've ever done for yourself! We're all there for you until then to keep you strong


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## jill3 (Feb 18, 2009)

I think this sums him up! 
Coming home at 3.am and wanting sex with you


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

jill3 said:


> I think this sums him up!
> Coming home at 3.am and wanting sex with you


That's rather disturbing


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## jill3 (Feb 18, 2009)

MilleD said:


> That's rather disturbing


Sorry it wasn't meant to disturb you x


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

jill3 said:


> Sorry it wasn't meant to disturb you x


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## ExD (Jul 1, 2016)

How's things Millie?


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

ExD said:


> How's things Millie?


Ok, floating along. Much stronger in work today. Glad bloody valentines is over.

Also went to the GP just to check on my leg that I idiotically damaged, and he says I shouldn't need an x-ray, it's just swollen still as it was so trauma'd. Thinks the lump where I connected may never disappear - apparently they used to drain where the blood congealed :Vomit

I've not seen him before, he was Indian I think. And was greatly amused by the story about how it happened. Asked if I did it because there wasn't a person round to kick, I said he didn't know the half of it . He said it looked like I was really angry.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

My youngest sister is coming round tonight. We are going to watch Guardians of the Galaxy 2 (1st time for her, about 20th for me), eat Doritos and dip and pizza and apple cake.

She might also have to eat anti histamines as she is allergic to cats. She must love me a lot


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## NFC slave (Nov 7, 2017)

MilleD said:


> Ok, floating along. Much stronger in work today. Glad bloody valentines is over.
> 
> Also went to the GP just to check on my leg that I idiotically damaged, and he says I shouldn't need an x-ray, it's just swollen still as it was so trauma'd. Thinks the lump where I connected may never disappear - apparently they used to drain where the blood congealed :Vomit
> 
> I've not seen him before, he was Indian I think. And was greatly amused by the story about how it happened. Asked if I did it because there wasn't a person round to kick, I said he didn't know the half of it . He said it looked like I was really angry.


Poor doctor is probably still puzzling over how you did it! They must hear some really funny tales. Glad you are feeling a little more upbeat, one day at a time will get you there x


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## GingerNinja (Mar 23, 2014)

MilleD said:


> No, it hasn't changed my mind.
> 
> On that last note, he came home the other night at 3 in the morning and then acted like he expected sex. I just laughed at him


And that's why I slept with a knife under my pillow!


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## GingerNinja (Mar 23, 2014)

I'm glad that your sister is coming over, stay strong my love xx


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## Summercat (Oct 8, 2017)

@MilleD 
Hey, how are you doing? Hope the cats are keeping you sane.
Xx


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Summercat said:


> @MilleD
> Hey, how are you doing? Hope the cats are keeping you sane.
> Xx


Hi SC, didn't have a good day yesterday. Drove to pick some packing boxes off a woman that works in my organisation (I don't know her though) and after I'd put them in the car, she asked where I was moving to and I broke down. Sooo embarrassing. She said she'd been there and that was why she was living on her own now and that things will get better. She was really nice. I felt like a right idiot.



The cats are doing their best.


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## LewisH (Dec 12, 2017)

Hi @MilleD

There is absolutely no need to feel embarrassed!

There are so many people who have gone through similar heartache. Every person deals with things their own way.

I think it's such a pity that people feel the need to bottle things up and pretend all is OK. Life isn't always ok. It's great when people are supportive of others. As you have found out, you are not alone.

Stay strong!!


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## Summercat (Oct 8, 2017)

@MilleD 
Sorry to hear that

If it helps most of us have been there once and if not will at some point.
Once you are out of the house it should be easier, change of scene and such.

Based on my own experience keeping busy helps. A hobby or new volunteer work, something to keep your mind on other things. Once you are moved and sorted that is.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Summercat said:


> @MilleD
> Sorry to hear that
> 
> If it helps most of us have been there once and if not will at some point.
> ...


I've tried keeping busy, but just end up grinding to a halt. I make various kinds of jewellery and do pour paintings, but I've not touched any of that for weeks. My creativity seems to have gone. I have been reading a lot, that takes my brain away for a while.

Work is really hard. I'm an accountant and this time of year is budget setting and my head is in the shed. Concentration out the window. Lord only knows what mistakes will be unearthed down the line.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

LewisH said:


> Hi @MilleD
> 
> There is absolutely no need to feel embarrassed!
> 
> ...


Thanks, I'm trying 

Why do we try to pretend everything is ok? Bonkers isn't it?


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## LewisH (Dec 12, 2017)

MilleD said:


> Thanks, I'm trying
> 
> Why do we try to pretend everything is ok? Bonkers isn't it?


It's social conditioning sadly. We all have to pretend everything is OK. Smile, be happy, even if your world is falling apart...

Sod that! If the world burns, let it burn. Your wellbeing is worth far more than cornerstone gossip.

I recommend cake!!


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## Summercat (Oct 8, 2017)

@MilleD 
It may not be the best way but I find binge watching a good series to 
work to take my mind off, whatever I want it off. 
Also a good walk to sort out thoughts.


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## Ali71 (Apr 27, 2014)

Oh @MilleD I've just spent the last hour reading, I haven't been on line much. You are doing amazingly, even though it might not feel like it at the moment.

This happened to me when I was 23. We had only been married a year, but I didn't have the life experience or strength to deal with it as I would have now...I walked away with some possessions and left him with the house. I look back and know that was right for me at the time.

Everyone is right, this is nothing to do with you and all to do with him, if you cannot count on his support and honesty when you need it after being his loyal partner all these years, then jog him on. He doesn't deserve to be in your company.

You are going to be more than fine and I hope that things become easier when you sort out the practicalities. Sending you a really big hug X


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## ExD (Jul 1, 2016)

I'm still here for you Millie and for what its worth I think you're being very brave. I see what you mean when you say you're an accountant and I can see why you can't ask for time off at this time of year, and I can also see that time off (even with a doctor's note) might be a recipe for depression and just leave you moping around with hours and hours of nothing do do.


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## Mirandashell (Jan 10, 2017)

I recommend Game of Thrones for the binge watching. It not only draws you out of your own head, it also has some amazingly imaginative revenge scenarios.


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## Elsiebea (Apr 24, 2015)

@MilleD So many of us have been where you are. I myself had to start again after 10 years and two small children under my care. It was an awful time I won't lie, it was so stressful. However if someone could have told me that the stress of separating and sorting out financial things really is temporary and it will get better I would have been grateful because at the time it is all consuming. This is where you're at right now, but it won't always be this bad, things will smooth out and you will get up, dust yourself down and be ok.


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## jill3 (Feb 18, 2009)

Now the weather is picking up getting out in the sunshine gives everyone a little boost. Have any of your friends have a dog that would like a walk?


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Mirandashell said:


> I recommend Game of Thrones for the binge watching. It not only draws you out of your own head, it also has some amazingly imaginative revenge scenarios.


Seen them all 

But yes, some of the revenge scenes are awesome.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Elsiebea said:


> @MilleD So many of us have been where you are. I myself had to start again after 10 years and two small children under my care. It was an awful time I won't lie, it was so stressful. However if someone could have told me that the stress of separating and sorting out financial things really is temporary and it will get better I would have been grateful because at the time it is all consuming. This is where you're at right now, but it won't always be this bad, things will smooth out and you will get up, dust yourself down and be ok.


Glad to hear you made your way through it x

Things can only get better right?


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

jill3 said:


> Now the weather is picking up getting out in the sunshine gives everyone a little boost. Have any of your friends have a dog that would like a walk?


My sister has a crazy wire haired Vizsla (sp?) that I've been out with a couple of times.

I'm also seriously looking into cat proofing my garden when I move back. I've been thinking about the cats and they all currently are free roaming, but my house is a little closer to a main road.

There is a company called Protectapet which isn't far from me. It'll be expensive, but I think it's worth it to get them into the sunshine when it finally comes. Part of the garden boundary is a wall, and there's a shed at the bottom but I'm sure there are ways round that.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

ExD said:


> I'm still here for you Millie and for what its worth I think you're being very brave. I see what you mean when you say you're an accountant and I can see why you can't ask for time off at this time of year, and I can also see that time off (even with a doctor's note) might be a recipe for depression and just leave you moping around with hours and hours of nothing do do.


And I'd be worrying about the work that wasn't getting done and the mess I would have to go back to eventually.

Yeah, not worth it


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## OrientalSlave (Jan 26, 2012)

It's very easy to cat-proof wood structures fairly cheaply with an overhang and loosely attached plastic mesh. Ideally the structure is 2m tall, as it gets lower you need more and more of an overhang.

PS shelf brackets from Screwfix and green garden mesh are what I used, along with a cordless drill, a staple gun and something to cut the mesh.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

OrientalSlave said:


> It's very easy to cat-proof wood structures fairly cheaply with an overhang and loosely attached plastic mesh. Ideally the structure is 2m tall, as it gets lower you need more and more of an overhang.


I think it's at least two metres, it's fairly big. I can stand up in it without the risk of touching the spiders in there 

I take it you just use the same stuff as you'd attach to the fence?

Also, can the brackets attach to the fence panels themselves or do they work with concrete posts (and the wall)?


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## Paddypaws (May 4, 2010)

You can certainly drill into brick walls for the brackets, not so sure about concrete posts. Not sure if there is a danger of the post cracking or whether the issue is that they are reinforced with embedded metal, but it might be better to try and avoid.


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## OrientalSlave (Jan 26, 2012)

MilleD said:


> I think it's at least two metres, it's fairly big. I can stand up in it without the risk of touching the spiders in there
> 
> I take it you just use the same stuff as you'd attach to the fence?
> 
> Also, can the brackets attach to the fence panels themselves or do they work with concrete posts (and the wall)?


I've not used Protectapet, out of my price range. My fences are cat-proof - they don't have gaps a cat can slip through, nor does the garage, the stud house or the side gate. If the fence panels are wood you can attach to them, drilling concrete would be a tall order compared to screwing into wood. I got my screws at Screwfix as well and mostly I could drive them into the wood without drilling a hole first. They have to be steel to do that, and the screw bit in the drill has to be exactly right for the drill head.


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## Paddypaws (May 4, 2010)

https://www.screwfix.com/p/sabrefix...gclsrc=aw.ds&dclid=CMbEhPHWsdkCFcvcGwodx1MCbA
This is what I ( well, the guy who did the work for me) used for the brackets. He found them easy to put over his knee and bend into the correct kind of angle.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

OrientalSlave said:


> I've not used Protectapet, out of my price range. My fences are cat-proof - they don't have gaps a cat can slip through, nor does the garage, the stud house or the side gate. If the fence panels are wood you can attach to them, drilling concrete would be a tall order compared to screwing into wood. I got my screws at Screwfix as well and mostly I could drive them into the wood without drilling a hole first. They have to be steel to do that, and the screw bit in the drill has to be exactly right for the drill head.


They do seem expensive for what it is.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Paddypaws said:


> https://www.screwfix.com/p/sabrefix...gclsrc=aw.ds&dclid=CMbEhPHWsdkCFcvcGwodx1MCbA
> This is what I ( well, the guy who did the work for me) used for the brackets. He found them easy to put over his knee and bend into the correct kind of angle.


Thanks for this, I saw you mention restraint straps on the thread about cat-proofing but I must have not been concentrating as I hadn't realised they are actually used as the brackets.

Lot's of holes too for attaching the mesh.


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## jill3 (Feb 18, 2009)

We bought a a fence bracket from proctectapet and then took it to a fabricator near by and they made them for a fraction of the price.
We bought the netting from proctectapet and it is of good quality.


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## OrientalSlave (Jan 26, 2012)

jill3 said:


> We bought a a fence bracket from proctectapet and then took it to a fabricator near by and they made them for a fraction of the price.
> We bought the netting from proctectapet and it is of good quality.


Interesting. Do you have connections in the fabrication work or did you search online?

BTW I found one year that snow made the overhangs made from restraining straps droop!


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## kimthecat (Aug 11, 2009)

GingerNinja said:


> And that's why I slept with a knife under my pillow!


 Blimey ! Does no one use rolling pins any more?


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## ChaosCat (Dec 7, 2017)

kimthecat said:


> Blimey ! Does no one use rolling pins any more?


Here me, I do.... only on dough, though, not on my OH... which doesn't mean he wouldn't deserve it sometimes...


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## jill3 (Feb 18, 2009)

OrientalSlave said:


> Interesting. Do you have connections in the fabrication work or did you search online?
> 
> BTW I found one year that snow made the overhangs made from restraining straps droop!


My Hubby just looked on line for someone local. we took the one we bought in and they copied it. Factory was in croft Leicestershire.


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## Paddypaws (May 4, 2010)

OrientalSlave said:


> BTW I found one year that snow made the overhangs made from restraining straps droop!


We don't tend to get much snow around London....but I do always try and bang the netting to remove the snow whenever it does fall and settle


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## ExD (Jul 1, 2016)

Sounds like google- ing 'Local Heroes' might be favourite.


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## carly87 (Feb 11, 2011)

Millie, just wanted to write and add my well wishes to the countless others on here, and tell you to keep strong and don't let the mind games mess with your head... This is why they do it, the hot and cold thing, to keep you guessing.

I've been through this myself although to a lesser extent. Engaged to be married to a fella who just started behaving oddly. I couldn't put my finger on any one thing he was doing, but he was different. Even though I asked him, I was of course still the one for him, his one and only, all that crap... Right up until 2 days before Christmas when he purposely instigated a large fight between us which resulted in us both agreeing that things weren't working any more (like you, I'm a fair person, too fair actually, so exactly like you, so made it easy for him). He walked out of my life the same day, and moved to the next girl within less than 2 weeks. He maintained for years that there was nothing going on before, but broke down recently when she did the same thing to him and admitted that he had been seeing her. He was asking for my help, asking for coping strategies to get through it as he didn't know what to do. I laughed and laughed and laughed, then told him he'd have to do what I did. Grow a pair, pull them there big boy pants up nice and tight, and get on with life. It gave me great satisfaction to see Karma give him a big kick up the at*e though.

Stay strong lovely, and make sure you don't play too fair. Equal is correct and right. But that's as far as it goes IMO. Don't give away things just because you're nice.


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## Summercat (Oct 8, 2017)

To add to what Carly said regarding being nice: whatever you do for him or leave for him may end up with her as well or another her down the line. Harsh but better to keep in mind.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Thanks @carly87 for your kind words.

And for showing how Karma can be a b1tch 

The head messing is still going on. I have had a school photo of his in my office for years so I gave it him back. This morning it is back on my desk. I mean, why?


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Summercat said:


> To add to what Carly said regarding being nice: whatever you do for him or leave for him may end up with her as well or another her down the line. Harsh but better to keep in mind.




Yeah, that thought's annoying!


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## OrientalSlave (Jan 26, 2012)

MilleD said:


> Thanks @carly87 for your kind words.
> 
> And for showing how Karma can be a b1tch
> 
> The head messing is still going on. I have had a school photo of his in my office for years so I gave it him back. This morning it is back on my desk. I mean, why?


Give it back with a note saying you will get rid of it if it appears again. Or just put it away in a drawer where he won't look.


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## Mirandashell (Jan 10, 2017)

I would hide the photo and see if he says anything. Or just leave it where it is and don't pack it.


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## ExD (Jul 1, 2016)

Yep - just hide it.


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## Pardis (Feb 7, 2018)

Probably doing it because you giving it to him is a sign of you letting go and that is scary to him until he knows he's 'sorted' for after....

I'd just put it in a drawer somewhere.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Mirandashell said:


> I would hide the photo and see if he says anything. Or just leave it where it is and don't pack it.


It'd be on the floor as my desk is coming with me


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## Mirandashell (Jan 10, 2017)

MilleD said:


> It'd be on the floor as my desk is coming with me


 Fair enough!


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

He showed his true colours a little more in an argument last night. I'm not very good at doing the '180' thing.

I've also had contact from someone today and they have made it sound (whilst not actually confirming) that he is still seeing the skanky barmaid. Which is pretty much what I thought anyway. He's definitely keeping me sweet because of finances.


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## Mirandashell (Jan 10, 2017)

Sounds like it. How are you feeling about it?


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## Pardis (Feb 7, 2018)

Good thing you can see right through him.

I hope this whole process is over as quickly as possible for you...


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## Gallifreyangirl (Feb 11, 2015)

Least you are slowly getting there I hope things work out better for you in the future @MilleD


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Mirandashell said:


> Sounds like it. How are you feeling about it?


I just still can't understand why he would throw away so many years.

And what makes it weirder is that she's all the things he's always said he doesn't like. Tons of make-up, facial piercing, smokes and is probably thick as two short planks knowing the type of people who work in that particular pub.

But the more I think about it, the harder I find it to come up with things that he ever bought to the relationship.

He was exciting to be with (bit of a bad boy) and fun to talk to. But apart from that, I'm coming up empty.

So perhaps this is for the best anyway.

My youngest sister has said it will be nice to have me back. Which goes to show the lack of contact I've had with my own family since I've known him. His parents we see all the time.


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## Purplecatlover (Mar 12, 2017)

It’s amazing how much they say they don’t like something and then go straight there. My ex said he didn’t want a relationship, wanted to focus on work and seeing family...... he’s on a dating app now hahaha! You’re better off without. Let’s see how long he lasts with her when she finds out what he’s like aswell. He’s trying to get the best of both worlds. Bloody idiot. Sending love xxx


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## Calvine (Aug 20, 2012)

OrientalSlave said:


> Or just put it away in a drawer where he won't look.


I would place it very conspicuously at the top of a bin of some sort; maybe nestling on a bed of tea bags, banana skins and other sundry detritus. He obviously doesn't want it, and there is f***-all reason you would.


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## Calvine (Aug 20, 2012)

MilleD said:


> He's definitely keeping me sweet because of finances.


You can bet your life on that; and especially if you are an accountant, he knows quite well that you are bound to be smarter with money than he is (unless he's an accountant also).


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Calvine said:


> You can bet your life on that; and especially if you are an accountant, he knows quite well that you are bound to be smarter with money than he is (unless he's an accountant also).


No he's not.


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## Pardis (Feb 7, 2018)

Just ridiculous. My ex once told me he doesn't like women with red or light hair in general. And he doesn't like 'thicc' women. Also nobody in a social services job as these people are 'jaded'. Guess who is dating a curvy, ginger haired social worker now. 

The fact that you were a bit isolated from your family while you always saw his is a red flag on its own, I think. We often don't realise what's going on until it slaps us in the face.


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## Calvine (Aug 20, 2012)

MilleD said:


> No he's not.


Good! Then he'll have to pay one! I'm sure you know one who will charge him megabucks.


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## Soozi (Jun 28, 2013)

So far I think you are doing a great job. I know you are still hurting inside but you’ve come to see the reality of the situation that’s a huge step forward. Just leave the photo on the floor with any other discarded rubbish! That’s where it belongs. You will find happiness hun but not with him. xxx


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## NFC slave (Nov 7, 2017)

MilleD said:


> I just still can't understand why he would throw away so many years.
> 
> And what makes it weirder is that she's all the things he's always said he doesn't like. Tons of make-up, facial piercing, smokes and is probably thick as two short planks knowing the type of people who work in that particular pub.
> 
> ...


Sadly most men think with another part of their anatomy other than their brain, the brain only kicks in once the other part has led them to make major mistakes. The not seeing your family rings a bell - bit of a control freak? I know how hard it all is, try to keep strong and care for yourself not him. Just a guess, but is Skanky half his age as well?


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

NFC slave said:


> Sadly most men think with another part of their anatomy other than their brain, the brain only kicks in once the other part has led them to make major mistakes. The not seeing your family rings a bell - bit of a control freak? I know how hard it all is, try to keep strong and care for yourself not him. Just a guess, but is Skanky half his age as well?


He's 45, she's 20. So even worse.


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## Pardis (Feb 7, 2018)

Always interesting to see someone going for someone that much younger. Especially if stuff like that turns into a relationship. Older guys/women seem to think if they get a really young partner they're more likely to put up with their sh... stuff.


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## NFC slave (Nov 7, 2017)

MilleD said:


> He's 45, she's 20. So even worse.


In their warped little minds these men look on the young bird they have pulled as a bit of a trophy, makes them the stud in front of their mates. The younger skank on the other hand admires the old studs mind, body, and prowess, no interest at all in their bank balance! If he was a bit older than 45 I would be wondering if it was my ex we are talking about! I can almost guarantee he will come crawling back eventually but will you want him by then?


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## Mirandashell (Jan 10, 2017)

It can also be the approach to the age of 50. An age that seemed far away all his life is now just a few years away. And when a young woman shows interest and finds him sexy, it makes him feel young and virile again. And that feeling interferes with his common sense and his sense of proportion. What has made him happy for years suddenly isn't enough and his ego takes charge and turns him into a fool.


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## Calvine (Aug 20, 2012)

MilleD said:


> He's 45, she's 20. So even worse.


Serious question, @MilleD: what do you think he would do/how would he react if she became pregnant?


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Calvine said:


> Serious question, @MilleD: what do you think he would do/how would he react if she became pregnant?


I very much doubt he'd want her to keep it. I could be wrong of course and that's what he wanted all along.

Interesting question though.


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## huckybuck (Jan 17, 2014)

I am glad you are starting to see him through clearer glasses now as the stronger you are becoming each day. (Funnily enough this will be one of your most attractive features when he does come crawling back, which I’ve no doubt he will when this passing phase wears thin, which it will).

You are starting to be you again by the sounds of it. Keep it up xx


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## Smuge (Feb 6, 2017)

MilleD said:


> My youngest sister is coming round tonight. We are going to watch Guardians of the Galaxy 2 (1st time for her, about 20th for me), eat Doritos and dip and pizza and apple cake.
> 
> She might also have to eat anti histamines as she is allergic to cats. She must love me a lot


Sounds great, the core of my relationship with my OH is built around dominos, Doritos and dip. Though we are odd in general, our first date lasted atleast a week....it wasn't supposed to. We bicker all the time but I suspect we stuck together for life. Probably for the best, we could never agree on who would get Tali anyway.

This all sounds awful Mille, but i'm glad that you at least have support and place to live (though as renter who can't afford a deposit myself, I feel awful for the tenant!) and at the end of the day whilst this is no doubt horrible (I have been known to react to breakups and relationship problems like its the end of the world, never mind a marriage) there is no point in spending your life with anyone who isn't fully committed to the relationship.


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## moggie14 (Sep 11, 2013)

I echo all the comments about how well you are doing! Things are becoming clearer and in turn you are getting stronger and level headed. Keep up the good work hun, and chin up too, always be the better person!


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## Tigermoon (Apr 2, 2013)

You ladies are a funny bunch. Just toss the photo in the bin ... massive signal right there.
I'm not going to say he'll come crawling back, because that's what happens in soaps rather than real life.

How long before you are able to move out @MilleD ?


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## Calvine (Aug 20, 2012)

MilleD said:


> Interesting question though.


The reason I asked: she is very young, maybe not too bright, and might do it deliberately, thinking foolishly that it would guarantee his undying love and devotion and hurry things along a bit.


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## CuddleMonster (Mar 9, 2016)

He's probably going to get dumped himself in another few years. I knew a mid-40s guy who left a lovely wife his age for a 20-year-old. A few years later, he was on his own as she'd gone off with someone nearer her own age. By which point, his ex was very happy without him, so he'd chucked all that away and was left with nothing.


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## Mirandashell (Jan 10, 2017)

There's a huge difference between 20 and 45 in experience and knowledge. So once the sex stops being exciting, it fairly common for the relationship to start showing some cracks.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

huckybuck said:


> I am glad you are starting to see him through clearer glasses now as the stronger you are becoming each day. (Funnily enough this will be one of your most attractive features when he does come crawling back, which I've no doubt he will when this passing phase wears thin, which it will).
> 
> You are starting to be you again by the sounds of it. Keep it up xx


Thanks HB x


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

moggie14 said:


> I echo all the comments about how well you are doing! Things are becoming clearer and in turn you are getting stronger and level headed. Keep up the good work hun, and chin up too, always be the better person!


I'm trying to keep my chin up. Feel a bit low again today though. Hate feeling like this.

Must try harder. Going to take tomorrow off work and do something with my sister.

If only we could decide what


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## Calvine (Aug 20, 2012)

CuddleMonster said:


> another few years


 . . . at the most! I'm guessing that the main attraction now is the fact of her wanting something she shouldn't have, or someone who is currently with someone else. Once her ''rival'' is out of the picture and she is stuck with him, the interest will fade. When she is 40 he'll be drawing his pension (sorry, not sure what age pension is payable, they seem to change it quite often) and she'll be looking for a toyboy.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Tigermoon said:


> You ladies are a funny bunch. Just toss the photo in the bin ... massive signal right there.
> I'm not going to say he'll come crawling back, because that's what happens in soaps rather than real life.
> 
> How long before you are able to move out @MilleD ?


Notice on my place ends 9th April. I know the tenant has viewed some places already.

Of course he could dig his heels in, but I don't think he will. He sent me a text the other day asking how I was as he was worried about me.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Calvine said:


> The reason I asked: she is very young, maybe not too bright, and might do it deliberately, thinking foolishly that it would guarantee his undying love and devotion and hurry things along a bit.


That had crossed my mind.


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## Elsiebea (Apr 24, 2015)

Yes. I’ve known similar. I used to live next door to a lovely young couple. The man had an affair with their mutual friend (who was also married) The woman found out and was obviously devastated. Cut a long story short. She told him to leave, he did and went to start a new life with the mutual friend, only for the friend to end it and return to her husband. The realisation of what he’d done and how he had lost everything was devestating for him.


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## Calvine (Aug 20, 2012)

I'm still stupefied that he would put his photo back on @MilleD's desk. That is really strange.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

CuddleMonster said:


> He's probably going to get dumped himself in another few years. I knew a mid-40s guy who left a lovely wife his age for a 20-year-old. A few years later, he was on his own as she'd gone off with someone nearer her own age. By which point, his ex was very happy without him, so he'd chucked all that away and was left with nothing.


Some folk just don't know when they have a good thing unfortunately.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Mirandashell said:


> There's a huge difference between 20 and 45 in experience and knowledge. So once the sex stops being exciting, it fairly common for the relationship to start showing some cracks.


And she finds out the luring lies he told aren't true.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Calvine said:


> . . . at the most! I'm guessing that the main attraction now is the fact of her wanting something she shouldn't have, or someone who is currently with someone else. Once her ''rival'' is out of the picture and she is stuck with him, the interest will fade. When she is 40 he'll be drawing his pension (sorry, not sure what age pension is payable, they seem to change it quite often) and she'll be looking for a toyboy.


You're probably right. It makes me feel sad. I still want him to be happy despite what he's done. How crazy is that?


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

NFC slave said:


> In their warped little minds these men look on the young bird they have pulled as a bit of a trophy, makes them the stud in front of their mates. The younger skank on the other hand admires the old studs mind, body, and prowess, no interest at all in their bank balance! If he was a bit older than 45 I would be wondering if it was my ex we are talking about! I can almost guarantee he will come crawling back eventually but will you want him by then?


Mrs Merton: "So what first attracted you to the millionaire Paul Daniels"


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## NFC slave (Nov 7, 2017)

MilleD said:


> You're probably right. It makes me feel sad. I still want him to be happy despite what he's done. How crazy is that?


Not crazy, you have cared for him for years you can't just switch off and I think it's lovely that despite your pain you can still show concern


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## Mirandashell (Jan 10, 2017)

MilleD said:


> And she finds out the luring lies he told aren't true.


That especially.


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## huckybuck (Jan 17, 2014)

I don't know if you are anything like me but I've always found that if I can't have something for whatever reason then I seem to want it all the more..be it a man (EEK) chocolate or wine or a ginger or blue MC lol!! Once I know I can have easily it then it doesn't seem to matter half as much.


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## Jesthar (May 16, 2011)

MilleD said:


> I'm trying to keep my chin up. Feel a bit low again today though. Hate feeling like this.
> 
> Must try harder. Going to take tomorrow off work and do something with my sister.
> 
> If only we could decide what


Don't deny your emotions, hon. There's nothing wrong with honestly admitting where you are at, and it's a lot healthier than putting on a mask and trying to pretend you are fine.



MilleD said:


> You're probably right. It makes me feel sad. I still want him to be happy despite what he's done. How crazy is that?


Actually, that you feel this way is a good thing - for you. Sure, it feels crazy that you don't hate his guts, but in reality hate hurts only the one doing the hating, not the person hated. I've seen enough people turned bitter and harsh by wallowing in negative emotions to the point they can feel nothing else, and trust me - forgiving him and getting on with your life, whilst it sounds counter-intuative to everything the world leads us to believe, is so much better for YOU as you won't have that millstone round your neck dragging you back down every five minutes.


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## jill3 (Feb 18, 2009)

Sorry to hear that you are feeling low today. I hope that you have a lovely Day off tomorrow with your sister. I am sure you will find something nice to do. xx


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Jesthar said:


> Don't deny your emotions, hon. There's nothing wrong with honestly admitting where you are at, and it's a lot healthier than putting on a mask and trying to pretend you are fine.
> 
> Actually, that you feel this way is a good thing - for you. Sure, it feels crazy that you don't hate his guts, but in reality hate hurts only the one doing the hating, not the person hated. I've seen enough people turned bitter and harsh by wallowing in negative emotions to the point they can feel nothing else, and trust me - forgiving him and getting on with your life, whilst it sounds counter-intuative to everything the world leads us to believe, is so much better for YOU as you won't have that millstone round your neck dragging you back down every five minutes.


Wise words 

The last thing I want to do is become bitter. Like you say, that will only affect me.


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## bluecordelia (Jan 5, 2014)

You are doing great and talking it out helps get your thoughts in order. 

You will have poo days but keep your resolve. You might wobble on occasion 

Remember the romance ends once you have to wash their dirty socks and undies. A young floosie won’t do that stuff and probably doesn’t do ironing. I would bin the photo. Keep the frame. It has some value .

Men can move on very quickly and coldly . Us ladies are more emotionally involved so take longer to disengage. I have been in a pub when the wife confronted the girlfriend. The wife got very emotional and the husband just shrunk back not knowing what to do. Stay away and move on. Time will give you satisfaction 

Head up and a big hug x


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## Ali71 (Apr 27, 2014)

Calvine said:


> I would place it very conspicuously at the top of a bin of some sort; maybe nestling on a bed of tea bags, banana skins and other sundry detritus. He obviously doesn't want it, and there is f***-all reason you would.


I'd make sure there was a festering cat turd or two for good measure!


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## Calvine (Aug 20, 2012)

Ali71 said:


> I'd make sure there was a festering cat turd or two for good measure!


The two on your avatar look as tho' they would be up for it . . . I reckon they'd save a couple of really squidgy stinky ones for the occasion. Actually, when my brother and I were kids, our greatest pleasure was going thro' our mother's magazines (_Woman's Own_ and another whose name escapes me, maybe _Woman's Weekly_?) and drawing beards, moustaches and thick-rimmed glasses on the photos of the women modelling the knitting patterns. My brother used to add an axe embedded in their skulls too, or an arrow going in one ear and out the other. (We didn't have many interesting toys was our excuse.) Maybe OP could deface the picture in a similar fashion and display prominently.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Calvine said:


> The two on your avatar look as tho' they would be up for it . . . I reckon they'd save a couple of really squidgy stinky ones for the occasion. Actually, when my brother and I were kids, our greatest pleasure was going thro' our mother's magazines (_Woman's Own_ and another whose name escapes me, maybe _Woman's Weekly_?) and drawing beards, moustaches and thick-rimmed glasses on the photos of the women modelling the knitting patterns. My brother used to add an axe embedded in their skulls too, or an arrow going in one ear and out the other. (We didn't have many interesting toys was our excuse.) Maybe OP could deface the picture in a similar fashion and display prominently.


I couldn't do that, he's just an innocent boy in the photo.

We had a bit of a tussle the other night as I having another mad rant. He was trying to sort of restrain me (probably for my own good bearing in mind the leg/loft ladder incident) and I kneed him in the ribs and this morning says he is in a lot of pain, says I've cracked one.

Feels like your heart is breaking does it love? Welcome to my world - suck it up.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

bluecordelia said:


> Remember the romance ends once you have to wash their dirty socks and undies.


You know what? You're right, and I deserve to have some romance back without the undie washing.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

MilleD said:


> He's 45, she's 20. So even worse.


Oh my god, just realised the skanky barmaid is still a teenager.

What the hell is he thinking?


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## Citruspips (Jul 6, 2011)

In the long run you will move on and so indeed will the skanky teenager whereas he will be left feeling rather foolish.


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## AmsMam (Nov 25, 2014)

MilleD said:


> Oh my god, just realised the skanky barmaid is still a teenager.
> 
> *What the hell is he thinking?*


Honestly? I'm not sure he is!


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## ewelsh (Jan 26, 2011)

I can tell you exactly what he is thinking sex plain and simple. 

What an absolute idiot. 



Hugs to you my lovely xxx


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## NFC slave (Nov 7, 2017)

Just to say I hope you are ok and things beginning to go your way


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

NFC slave said:


> Just to say I hope you are ok and things beginning to go your way


Thank @NFC slave.

Things are still fairly amicable at home.

My tenant has told me he is finding it difficult to find somewhere as his credit rating is a bit pants. Think he will need to get a private landlord to accept him rather than an estate agent. The way I did. My tenant picking skills are more based on gut instinct than anything else.

Although after this episode, I'm beginning to doubt my judgement in men.

I'm also beginning to worry more about the cats at my place when I do finally move. How do you stop 4 pelting for the front door ( the stairs are open to the front door so no 'airlock')?


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## Summercat (Oct 8, 2017)

Do you have a screen door on the front door, if not adding one may help maneuverability.


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## jill3 (Feb 18, 2009)

Screen door is a good idea. Local do it yourself man will be able to make one for you. Also by typing out a letter for your tennant to give to other landlords to say how good payer he is and how he has kept your property might help him.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Can someone show me a pic of what a screen door would look like? my hallway is really small so would need to see if it would fit. I have in mind a mosquito screen type thingy but can't envisage how that would help.

My little sister has said why don't I just move somewhere that I feel safe letting the cats out which hadn't even occurred to me.

Too early to be making big decisions like that though.


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## chillminx (Nov 22, 2010)

Here's an inexpensive screen door:

https://www.streme.co.uk/product/va...MI-tqz46TG2QIVo7ftCh3cGQ9REAQYASABEgIYbPD_BwE


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## Jannor (Oct 26, 2013)

The breeder I got the NFCs from had home made ones. They were lightweight wood frames with chicken wire and she just had latches on them, if you know anyone who could make them for you.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Do you mean put it at the bottom of the stairs?

I thought you meant put it in front of the front door, which would have helped not a jot! 

I think I'm having a really dim day...


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## Paddypaws (May 4, 2010)

My downstairs is all open plan with front door opening off it. Only Monty has ever been known to dash for the door when opened and even he has now calmed down. Coming in I always stick my bag or foot in through the opening gap just in case.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Paddypaws said:


> My downstairs is all open plan with front door opening off it. Only Monty has ever been known to dash for the door when opened and even he has now calmed down. Coming in I always stick my bag or foot in through the opening gap just in case.


Are yours indoor cats though?

I'll be trying to keep 4 cats that have had free roam inside.


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## Paddypaws (May 4, 2010)

Mine have a cat safe garden. Mitzy and Milo used to be allowed free roaming and did use the front door sometimes to come in although I never encouraged that.


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## oliviarussian (Sep 2, 2010)

Paddypaws said:


> My downstairs is all open plan with front door opening off it. Only Monty has ever been known to dash for the door when opened and even he has now calmed down. Coming in I always stick my bag or foot in through the opening gap just in case.


^^^This!!!! On all my cat sitting visits I always go in bag first to push any kitties laying in wait back away from the door before opening it fully


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## Summercat (Oct 8, 2017)

@MilleD 
Yes, I was envisioning connected to the front door, as I have lived in houses with screen doors and front doors. If as you said, all your cats would be trying to go out when you did that may help to block. 
I never lived with cats that tried to run out, so cannot say from experience. 
Even though your cats are free roam it would be a new home.

I think several pages back I also suggested moving to a new place that was was better for the cats and keeping all your tenants. Might be less hassle but take longer.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Summercat said:


> @MilleD
> Yes, I was envisioning connected to the front door, as I have lived in houses with screen doors and front doors. If as you said, all your cats would be trying to go out when you did that may help to block.
> I never lived with cats that tried to run out, so cannot say from experience.
> Even though your cats are free roam it would be a new home.
> ...


Yeah, I still can't see how the screen door attached to the front door would help. Can you draw me a picture?! The front door opens inwards, and so would the screen so they would open at the same time. I can see it working if I can block off the bottom of the stairs though. Although don't know how robust it would be if Teddi (over 7 kilos) went blundering into it.

Your suggestion about the house move wouldn't work as I couldn't afford to keep this house and buy somewhere new unfortunately. Until I win the lottery


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## Summercat (Oct 8, 2017)

@MilleD
You open one door at a time, has worked for dogs. While blocking them as was said with your body and bags if need be as well. With the screen door there, they couldn't exit as soon as the front door is opened. Up to you just trying to help as you said you expected all four at the door.

Edit. I don't have a screen now as live in a flat, all the houses I have lived in have had screen doors. From memory the front door goes in and the screen/glass door goes outwards.When exiting my parents house for example, you can have the screen open and the front door closed and vice versa. They have always had dogs and it has been useful.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Summercat said:


> @MilleD
> You open one door at a time, has worked for dogs. While blocking them as was said with your body and bags if need be as well. With the screen door there, they couldn't exit as soon as the front door is opened. Up to you just trying to help as you said you expected all four at the door.


I know you are and I appreciate it x


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## Jannor (Oct 26, 2013)

Yes, like @Summercat says - my NFC's breeder had a screen door behind every door, even internal ones. Maybe ask breeders on a separate thread, one of them might have pictures.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

This is what I envisaged


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## Jannor (Oct 26, 2013)

A screen door behind the front door that you can shut if you're talking at the front door. One of my NFCs nipped out behind my legs when I was answering the door once. He was so fast.

Could you lock them in the lounge area when you go out? Will they be able to get to their trays? Can you have an outdoor run? Mine is invaluable when I'm getting jobs done or having stuff delivered.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Jannor said:


> A screen door behind the front door that you can shut if you're talking at the front door. One of my NFCs nipped out behind my legs when I was answering the door once. He was so fast.
> 
> Could you lock them in the lounge area when you go out? Will they be able to get to their trays? Can you have an outdoor run? Mine is invaluable when I'm getting jobs done or having stuff delivered.


Ohhhh, is the screen on the _outside_ of the front door? My only issue with that is it will look a little pants.

My plan was to cat proof the back garden, and have trays both upstairs and downstairs. I suppose they could be downstairs, I was only thinking that the fractiousness of one of them may cause a bust up if I limit the space available.

Maybe I'll just stay here  it's a bloody minefield this moving...


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## Whompingwillow (Feb 21, 2018)

http://www.doorflyscreensuk.co.uk/d...Q1k-R1bSWsfE0NsRiDUHKAWjNTOl6zkBoCspUQAvD_BwE

I think like that? 
In America (well where I have been to visit friends and family at least) all the doors have these screen doors!

Sending love @MilleD


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## Paddypaws (May 4, 2010)

I think you are worrying about a problem before you know there actually is one. 
New territory for cats= new rules. NO ONE goes near the front door. Put an SSScat spray there if you must.
Each time you need to leave the house give them a special treat in an area well away from the front door.
Prioritise cat proofing back garden.
Breathe.


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## CuddleMonster (Mar 9, 2016)

@MilleD deal with each problem as you come to it - don't let worries over what might happen with the cats put you off moving. Once you are moved, you will find a way of helping your cats to settle into their new routine. It may not be perfect, but it will work.

I've just been through this in the past few months. My current living situation is not ideal for me or for Bonnie, but the 'insurmountable' problems I worried about before moving have proved to be manageable if difficult. The main thing is that we are safe and warm with a roof over our heads!


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Whompingwillow said:


> http://www.doorflyscreensuk.co.uk/d...Q1k-R1bSWsfE0NsRiDUHKAWjNTOl6zkBoCspUQAvD_BwE
> 
> I think like that?
> In America (well where I have been to visit friends and family at least) all the doors have these screen doors!
> ...


Thanks x


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Paddypaws said:


> I think you are worrying about a problem before you know there actually is one.
> New territory for cats= new rules. NO ONE goes near the front door. Put an SSScat spray there if you must.
> Each time you need to leave the house give them a special treat in an area well away from the front door.
> Prioritise cat proofing back garden.
> Breathe.


I consider myself told 

Funny thing is I'm more worried about the cats than me...


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## SbanR (Jun 16, 2017)

MilleD said:


> I consider myself told
> 
> Funny thing is I'm more worried about the cats than me...


It's totally natural and understandable that you worry more about your cats. You know they're dependent upon you for their wellbeing. But they'll be fine. They've got you looking out for them


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

SbanR said:


> It's totally natural and understandable that you worry more about your cats. You know they're dependent upon you for their wellbeing. But they'll be fine. They've got you looking out for them


Lordy! Don't tell them that, I'll have an exodus


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## Summercat (Oct 8, 2017)

@Whompingwillow 
Yes, I did not imagine it otherwise :Bookwormbut I am from the US, nicer ones are glass.


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## OrientalSlave (Jan 26, 2012)

MilleD said:


> Ohhhh, is the screen on the _outside_ of the front door? My only issue with that is it will look a little pants.
> 
> <snip>


This sort of door is common in student land in Leeds, except it's an extra security door usually in wrought iron (or something that looks like that. They look a bit Fort Knox but otherwise are fine.


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## Summercat (Oct 8, 2017)

@MilleD 
Now I understand what you didn't understand, so I see why my posts did not make sense, you thought I meant replace a regular door with a screen door?

I suppose that is another bit of cultural trivia I did not realize is cultural. They are pretty standard on US homes. When I was growing up you saw more screen type ones with the tiny metal netting, now glass is more typical. Probably as more homes have central air you don't need to leave doors open for coolness and the metal screens would keep out bugs.

This is a photo I snapped this summer of my sister's cat Oliver. The door is greenish color and the screen door is glass. It is not a perfect solution but makes managing to get out a little easier if you have a cat or dog that wants to follow.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Summercat said:


> @MilleD
> Now I understand what you didn't understand, so I see why my posts did not make sense, you thought I meant replace a regular door with a screen door?
> 
> I suppose that is another bit of cultural trivia I did not realize is cultural. They are pretty standard on US homes. When I was growing up you saw more screen type ones with the tiny metal netting, now glass is more typical. Probably as more homes have central air you don't need to leave doors open for coolness and the metal screens would keep out bugs.
> ...


I did say I was being dim 

I think I understand now.


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## AmsMam (Nov 25, 2014)

Another angle... Is there any way you could add a porch outside your front door? I can't have one as we don't have the space but perhaps it could be an option if you do.


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## Elsiebea (Apr 24, 2015)

Hi @MilleD how are you?

I can't rememver if you said you lived in a house you both own or not?
I ask as I thought I may throw another thought in your direction


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Elsiebea said:


> Hi @MilleD how are you?
> 
> I can't rememver if you said you lived in a house you both own or not?
> I ask as I thought I may throw another thought in your direction


No, he owns the house we both currently live in. I own the one I'm moving back to.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

AmsMam said:


> Another angle... Is there any way you could add a porch outside your front door? I can't have one as we don't have the space but perhaps it could be an option if you do.


Interesting thought. There is a canopy, but no porch. Wonder if one could be added. Hmm.


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## Elsiebea (Apr 24, 2015)

MilleD said:


> No, he owns the house we both currently live in. I own the one I'm moving back to.


Scrap my cunning plan then!
I hope your tennant finds somewhere. With a great reference from you and perhaps a good word to potential landlords, he will be ok.


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## Mirandashell (Jan 10, 2017)

MilleD said:


> Interesting thought. There is a canopy, but no porch. Wonder if one could be added. Hmm.


You should be able to, I think. It's just a case of enclosing the canopy.


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## Ali71 (Apr 27, 2014)

@MilleD

I feel your pain with the worry about cats getting out. We moved to our new house (in the sticks admittedly) in late January and having a porch on the front door is an added bonus. Otherwise as has been already mentioned, I come in with my bag for life in front of me and block any gaps x


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## bluecordelia (Jan 5, 2014)

I have a canopy and a canopy with half walls and sides. It would be a joiner to enclose it fully . 

A second internal door or screen would be easier but give yourself space to get in with shopping


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## OrientalSlave (Jan 26, 2012)

MilleD said:


> Interesting thought. There is a canopy, but no porch. Wonder if one could be added. Hmm.


It will help keep your house warm as well. Make sure the enclosed area is large enough to walk into, shut the front door and then open the inner door, while you are holding a load of shopping. If it's large enough for shoes & outdoor coats that's a plus.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

OrientalSlave said:


> It will help keep your house warm as well. Make sure the enclosed area is large enough to walk into, shut the front door and then open the inner door, while you are holding a load of shopping. If it's large enough for shoes & outdoor coats that's a plus.


It does sound like a good idea. I will get my thinking cap on.


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## ExD (Jul 1, 2016)

Are you OK Millie?


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## ewelsh (Jan 26, 2011)

Yes I’ve been watching out for her, hope she’s ok? X


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## ebonycat (May 15, 2016)

I also hope you’re ok Millie xx


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Hi guys. Thanks for asking, yes I'm doing ok.

I'm still waiting for my tenant to find somewhere else, and there have been a few arguments at home, but overall things are ok.

I'm feeling much stronger. Don't get me wrong, I still have times when I feel intensely sad, but they are getting less often (touch wood), and this weird limbo life is beginning to get me down so I'm starting to look forward to moving and starting again.

Or I'm just kidding myself that I am, some days it's difficult to know.

I do know that I walked to work this morning with a smile on my face. No-one's attracted to grumpy folk right? So I figured if I'm going to be back on the market, I should at least look like I'm not going to bite your head off if you talk to me. Just need to work on losing a bit of weight (caused because of my neck problems and stopping doing as much cycling as I used to), which is being hindered by the fact that the ex has become a bit of a feeder. He keeps buying me crisps and things that I really don't want.

So all in all, not too bad


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## ChaosCat (Dec 7, 2017)

Good to hear you are doing fine altogether.
Moving will be a great help, of course. You must be strong indeed if the housing situation is not getting you down.
Keep smiling!


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## Mirandashell (Jan 10, 2017)

Hmm.... is he known for feeding you in tricky situations? Or is this a new behaviour?


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Mirandashell said:


> Hmm.... is he known for feeding you in tricky situations? Or is this a new behaviour?


He's always every now and then bought me a treat. Not sure about in tricky situations. But not to this extent I don't think.


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## Mirandashell (Jan 10, 2017)

Weird. Maybe he's doing it to ease his conscience. Dunno.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Mirandashell said:


> Weird. Maybe he's doing it to ease his conscience. Dunno.


I think you're probably right. Because a pack of salt and vinegar squares can get back 14 years right? 

Yeah, think I'm getting back to my old self a bit


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## Mirandashell (Jan 10, 2017)

Yep! Good to see the sarky gene is working again!


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Mirandashell said:


> Yep! Good to see the sarky gene is working again!


I think that particular one takes up about 20% of my genome


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## Mirandashell (Jan 10, 2017)

You and me both!


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

ChaosCat said:


> Good to hear you are doing fine altogether.
> Moving will be a great help, of course. You must be strong indeed if the housing situation is not getting you down.
> Keep smiling!


To be honest I'm surprising myself with my resilience of dealing with the weird living situation.

I sometimes think that it's just me convincing myself that nothing is changing, but I don't think it is. I'm perhaps stronger than I thought at the beginning of this ( but as strong as I always suspected I was).


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Ah crap. Spoke to the tenant today and he has been laid off in his current job. He's signed on with some agencies so hopefully should get something quick. We had a good chat comparing woes 

I've said that as the flat the me a my ex purchased at the back end of last year is now completed, decorated and carpeted (I'd move in myself, but the leasehold doesn't allow cats), he could take that if he can't find anything at the same price he's paying now (it's worth about £100 per month more).

But he said he has an application in at the moment and will know by the end of the weekend if he has it or not, so we'll see. Otherwise I'll let him view our flat.

Also had a massive row with the ex last night. I trying not to be bitter but finding it hard at the moment. I wasn't very nice, but I don't feel like being nice particularly.


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## Mirandashell (Jan 10, 2017)

No reason why you should be nice! Sometimes every woman needs to be a bitch for the sake of her own sanity.


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## NFC slave (Nov 7, 2017)

You don't have to be nice all the time, does you good to be horrible sometimes. A couple of weeks ago my oh told me I was the most venomous bitch he had ever come across - I was quite pleased with that compliment as I usually am ultra nice (honestly)


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## ewelsh (Jan 26, 2011)

Did you say anything that was un true or unworthy!

Be kind to yourself xx


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## NFC slave (Nov 7, 2017)

ewelsh said:


> Did you say anything that was un true or unworthy!
> 
> Be kind to yourself xx


No, just reached the end of the line and stood up for myself for once


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## JaimeandBree (Jan 28, 2014)

I missed the start of this thread as I was absent for a few weeks but just wanted to add my support to the others and say how much I admire how you are coping with this @MilleD . Your ex is clearly a very short-sighted man who didn't know what he had xxx


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## ewelsh (Jan 26, 2011)

NFC slave said:


> No, just reached the end of the line and stood up for myself for once


Yeah good for you! You have done nothing wrong, please remember this x


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## huckybuck (Jan 17, 2014)

I’m glad to hear that you are staying strong and looking to the future.

I’m really glad you have light at the end of the tunnel as far as your tenant moving is concerned (even if it’s not ideal for him to move to your other place at least short term it’s an option). 

Keep that smile going even when it’s tough.
And start working on you (healthy diet and a little exercise, get your hair done) show him what he’s lost!!!


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## JaimeandBree (Jan 28, 2014)

huckybuck said:


> Keep that smile going even when it's tough.
> And start working on you (healthy diet and a little exercise, get your hair done) show him what he's lost!!!


I'd get myself on a couple of dating apps as well if it were me - more men is probably the last think you feel like at the moment @MilleD but you don't have to engage with anyone if you don't want to and it does absolutely no harm to be seen to be looking


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

JaimeandBree said:


> I missed the start of this thread as I was absent for a few weeks but just wanted to add my support to the others and say how much I admire how you are coping with this @MilleD . Your ex is clearly a very short-sighted man who didn't know what he had xxx


Thanks . I am pretty fabulous


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

huckybuck said:


> I'm glad to hear that you are staying strong and looking to the future.
> 
> I'm really glad you have light at the end of the tunnel as far as your tenant moving is concerned (even if it's not ideal for him to move to your other place at least short term it's an option).
> 
> ...


God my hair! I've not been to the hairdressers in ages so you're probably right. Luckily it has a nice amount of curl to it, so I rock the 'naturally messy' look 

I'm trying to get to grips with the other things, motivation is still a little lacking, but I'm working on it.

One good thing to come of this is that I used to watch Eastenders, but couldn't be bothered for a bit and have now got so far behind that I've just deleted them all off the sky box. Free at last! I don't really know why I watched it as it was crap, but couldn't stop. I've saved myself a half hour most nights. Brilliant


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

JaimeandBree said:


> I'd get myself on a couple of dating apps as well if it were me - more men is probably the last think you feel like at the moment @MilleD but you don't have to engage with anyone if you don't want to and it does absolutely no harm to be seen to be looking


It's an interesting thought and has crossed my mind. BUT, I wouldn't want to make a guy (possibly in my position) think I'm interested when I'm not prepared at the moment to 'follow through' if you see what I mean.


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## JaimeandBree (Jan 28, 2014)

MilleD said:


> It's an interesting thought and has crossed my mind. BUT, I wouldn't want to make a guy (possibly in my position) think I'm interested when I'm not prepared at the moment to 'follow through' if you see what I mean.


You don't have to talk to anyone or lead anyone on, just leave the laptop casually open on your profile page where the ex could just happen to see it! 

Then in time when you feel ready you can do a bit of window shopping :Hilarious:Hilarious:Hilarious... just watch out for the catfish!


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

JaimeandBree said:


> You don't have to talk to anyone or lead anyone on, just leave the laptop casually open on your profile page where the ex could just happen to see it!
> 
> Then in time when you feel ready you can do a bit of window shopping :Hilarious:Hilarious:Hilarious... just watch out for the catfish!


Hee hee, naughty!


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## ExD (Jul 1, 2016)

I haven't said anything about dating apps,thinking that perhaps I'm being old fashioned, but surely you run the risk of 'out of the frying pan into the fire' results if you rush into another relationship quickly like this. Time without the complications of another man messing with your emotions when you are fragile is surely is the best way forward for now, please tread carefully.


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## crystalwitch (Mar 27, 2017)

MilleD said:


> It's an interesting thought and has crossed my mind. BUT, I wouldn't want to make a guy (possibly in my position) think I'm interested when I'm not prepared at the moment to 'follow through' if you see what I mean.


In the early 1990s, after the break down of my second marriage, and with two young children to raise, I was unable to go out socialising much and couldn't afford it anyway. I wasn't interested in a new romantic relationship but there were several dating/friendship sites where as long as you were online at the same time, you could 'chat' for free - only had to pay for membership, if you wanted to leave private messages, etc. After the children were in bed, and if there was nothing decent on tv, I would often go on and had some really good chats. Never did feel the need to progress to meeting the people I chatted to but it prevented me from being so isolated. I don't know whether any of those sites are still going, but if they are, it is a good way to chat safely (obviously, be careful what information about yourself you reveal) and you may find someone/people who you would like to keep in touch with in the real world and possibly, when you are ready, start a new relationship.


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## JaimeandBree (Jan 28, 2014)

I was just being a bit naughty and having a joke about the dating sites earlier tbh, just imaging the ex's face if he found out @MilleD was back on the market  of course I would not suggest actually dating until you are ready after such a horrible break-up.

Re online dating it has come a long way in the last ten years. It used to be seen as a last resort for desperadoes but loads and loads of people meet their partners that way now, myself included 

That's not to say that there aren't still a lot of weirdos out there online, you have to be alert to it and be able to spot their tricks, mind you there are a lot of weirdos and :Mooning:Mooning:Mooning in bars, clubs, workplaces and wherever else people go on the pull as well!


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## ExD (Jul 1, 2016)

I'm a bit of a dinosaur in these matters.


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## crystalwitch (Mar 27, 2017)

JaimeandBree said:


> I was just being a bit naughty and having a joke about the dating sites earlier tbh, just imaging the ex's face if he found out @MilleD was back on the market  of course I would not suggest actually dating until you are ready after such a horrible break-up.
> 
> Re online dating it has come a long way in the last ten years. It used to be seen as a last resort for desperadoes but loads and loads of people meet their partners that way now, myself included
> 
> That's not to say that there aren't still a lot of weirdos out there online, you have to be alert to it and be able to spot their tricks, mind you there are a lot of weirdos and :Mooning:Mooning:Mooning in bars, clubs, workplaces and wherever else people go on the pull as well!


Before computers, there used to be the personal ads in some magazines and newspapers. There were also dating agencies who matched up potential couples - and in some cultures, a professional matchmaker. I think there have always been people who can't meet potential partners/friends in the course of their daily lives; whether due to not being able to meet others through work, or because they live in isolated areas, or just crippling shyness. In many ways, online sites are safer - as long as sensible precautions are taken - let someone know where you are going, meet in a public place, arrange for a friend to phone about half an hour into the first meeting to check that you are safe and also to provide an excuse to leave if necessary, etc. There are weirdos and really nasty pieces of work everywhere, but there are also a lot of really decent people who are just lonely.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

ExD said:


> I haven't said anything about dating apps,thinking that perhaps I'm being old fashioned, but surely you run the risk of 'out of the frying pan into the fire' results if you rush into another relationship quickly like this. Time without the complications of another man messing with your emotions when you are fragile is surely is the best way forward for now, please tread carefully.


Don't worry, it's just going to be me and the cats for now.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

JaimeandBree said:


> I was just being a bit naughty and having a joke about the dating sites earlier tbh, just imaging the ex's face if he found out @MilleD was back on the market  of course I would not suggest actually dating until you are ready after such a horrible break-up.


You were being naughty! The really sad thing is that he probably wouldn't care though so it would no doubt backfire


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## JaimeandBree (Jan 28, 2014)

MilleD said:


> Don't worry, it's just going to be me and the cats for now.


Cats are far more reliable companions than men anyway


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## jill3 (Feb 18, 2009)

Buy yourself some flowers. They cheer you up and he might think that someone has sent them to you.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

JaimeandBree said:


> Cats are far more reliable companions than men anyway


Ain't that the truth?

I have to say, I'm really looking forward to looking forward to going home from work again instead of dreading what it might bring.


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## Mirandashell (Jan 10, 2017)

There's very little worse than dreading going to your own home.


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## huckybuck (Jan 17, 2014)

Any news on when you might be moving? 
Did your tenant find somewhere?


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

huckybuck said:


> Any news on when you might be moving?
> Did your tenant find somewhere?


I think he is waiting to get approval for a housing association place.

I'm definitely looking forward to sorting myself out now. I was up the loft earlier helping him pack for snowboarding  and realised there is a lot of stuff up there that I own.

Then it occurred that because he has what he thinks is OCD ( never diagnosed), I've never been able to express myself in this house. A lot of the beautiful things I think I own have been relegated to the loft. Why did not see this before?


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## ExD (Jul 1, 2016)

Do you begin to wonder if your tenant is really trying to move? I ask because he's beginning to sound a bit like he's stringing you along .............. ?


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

ExD said:


> Do you begin to wonder if your tenant is really trying to move? I ask because he's beginning to sound a bit like he's stringing you along .............. ?


No, I've been asked for a reference so he's definitely trying. I know his credit rating isn't good though.


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## Sacrechat (Feb 27, 2011)

I’ve only just read through this; I’m so sorry you are having to go through such a horrible relationship break-up, but I think you are being incredibly brave. I hope everything works out for you in whatever the future holds. He doesn’t deserve you.


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## ExD (Jul 1, 2016)

The reason I wrote that post, Millie is because it reminded me of a terrible time we had with a tenant in my daughter's house. She was living abroad, her husband was in the army and posted to Germany, so I looked after the letting of her house. The lady we let it to was a single mother of two, really lovely woman and so reasonable and friendly, non smoker, no pets, not DSS - or so she said.
After three years it came for my daughter and family to come home it conveniently happened that the lease had run out and was due for review, but when we saw her and explained we needed posession as soon as convenient she stopped paying the rent and said her security services giro hadn't arrived. What giro? And she refused to budge.
It took 18 months and nearly £2000 to get her out and she never paid a penny more in rent. Added to this she'd turned the boxroom into a rabbit pen with 3 rabbits and a litter of who know how many babies (the stink of the carpet when they'd gone!) I won't mention the state of the rest of the house which was indescribable, and I'm not houseproud.
So much for no DSS and no pets. Please take care.
Sorry to be negative, your tenant seems very reasonable I'm sure this won't happen to you, you seem to be being so nice I just hope you're not taken for a ride. Even the solicitor couldn't really help.


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## Summercat (Oct 8, 2017)

@ExD 
Oh my
Were you able to recover any of the cost?


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## ExD (Jul 1, 2016)

No Summer, just chalk it up to experience. They sold the house soon afterwards. I just don't want Millie to fall in the same trap - we should have followed up her references, hey were rather too good to be true - as if her last landlord couldn't wait to get rid.


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## Summercat (Oct 8, 2017)

@ExD 
Ah ok, a shame.


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## bluecordelia (Jan 5, 2014)

I wouldn’t let out privately. The days when you could have a little chat are long gone and I understand social landlords can get rid of new tenants if they want ie none rent payments/ unsociable tenant a lot quicker now. That leaves a lot of people flooding into the private let market. 

The cost to evict and clear up plus lost rent is too much risk and cost for most people.


Hope Easter is ok for you all and no April fools x


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## ExD (Jul 1, 2016)

Do I recall saying Millie tell us she was a solicitor (or was it accountant?) If so I expect she knows the ins and outs of these situations, something I should have thought of before I posted. Thank you for your sympathy folks but its long behind us now - one more to chalk up to experience.
I hope you're OK Millie, and had a good Easter.


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## KittenEevee (May 19, 2017)

I am sorry to hear what you are going through. Dont have any words of advice but thinking of you. My partner of 7 years has just told me he sees our lives heading in different directions. He wants to travel and see the world, doesnt want to get married and I want to settle down and have a family. He says he never sees himself as a dad but he knew all along I want to be a mum so why wait 7 years to tell me. He said he didnt want to drag me along, think he already has. Ive wasted 7 years of my life. Im only 26 and he is 30 but still. He says his life is a mess and he needs time to think. He then says he wants to try work things out till the end of the year. Things have changed. I thought we wanted the same things, obviously not. We live together. He said he wants to take the cat, which I will heart broken about but Eevee appears to have a better bond with him so if shes happier with him, its whats best.
He told me this last friday, we had a big family event at the weekend and I had to smile and pretend everything was okay. Ive been feeling pretty numb about it all. I think this is the end.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

KittenEevee said:


> I am sorry to hear what you are going through. Dont have any words of advice but thinking of you. My partner of 7 years has just told me he sees our lives heading in different directions. He wants to travel and see the world, doesnt want to get married and I want to settle down and have a family. He says he never sees himself as a dad but he knew all along I want to be a mum so why wait 7 years to tell me. He said he didnt want to drag me along, think he already has. Ive wasted 7 years of my life. Im only 26 and he is 30 but still. He says his life is a mess and he needs time to think. He then says he wants to try work things out till the end of the year. Things have changed. I thought we wanted the same things, obviously not. We live together. He said he wants to take the cat, which I will heart broken about but Eevee appears to have a better bond with him so if shes happier with him, its whats best.
> He told me this last friday, we had a big family event at the weekend and I had to smile and pretend everything was okay. Ive been feeling pretty numb about it all. I think this is the end.


Sorry to hear this. Life can be a bitch can't it? At least you have relative youth on your side though. People have said to me that the 14 years I've spent with him aren't wasted. But it's difficult not to think that isn't it?

Just from a practical point of view though, how does he intend to take the cat if he wants to travel? That doesn't make sense.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

ExD said:


> Do I recall saying Millie tell us she was a solicitor (or was it accountant?) If so I expect she knows the ins and outs of these situations, something I should have thought of before I posted. Thank you for your sympathy folks but its long behind us now - one more to chalk up to experience.
> I hope you're OK Millie, and had a good Easter.


An accountant 

Not done much over the weekend. Just pottered about and watched some telly.

Now lying wide awake at ten to 3. Ain't life grand. 

And I think one of the cats is outside and its peeing down with rain...


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## ChaosCat (Dec 7, 2017)

KittenEevee said:


> I am sorry to hear what you are going through. Dont have any words of advice but thinking of you. My partner of 7 years has just told me he sees our lives heading in different directions. He wants to travel and see the world, doesnt want to get married and I want to settle down and have a family. He says he never sees himself as a dad but he knew all along I want to be a mum so why wait 7 years to tell me. He said he didnt want to drag me along, think he already has. Ive wasted 7 years of my life. Im only 26 and he is 30 but still. He says his life is a mess and he needs time to think. He then says he wants to try work things out till the end of the year. Things have changed. I thought we wanted the same things, obviously not. We live together. He said he wants to take the cat, which I will heart broken about but Eevee appears to have a better bond with him so if shes happier with him, its whats best.
> He told me this last friday, we had a big family event at the weekend and I had to smile and pretend everything was okay. Ive been feeling pretty numb about it all. I think this is the end.


That's a real punch after 7 years. How does he imagine traveling when he is taking on Eevee? Having you as a willing and knowledgeable cat sitter on demand?
But on the positive side: If it does mean separation you still have enough time to find a new partner and have children. Just keep upright!


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## ChaosCat (Dec 7, 2017)

MilleD said:


> An accountant
> 
> Not done much over the weekend. Just pottered about and watched some telly.
> 
> ...


You definitely need everything sorted and being in your own place. Hope you soon will.


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## Sacrechat (Feb 27, 2011)

KittenEevee said:


> I am sorry to hear what you are going through. Dont have any words of advice but thinking of you. My partner of 7 years has just told me he sees our lives heading in different directions. He wants to travel and see the world, doesnt want to get married and I want to settle down and have a family. He says he never sees himself as a dad but he knew all along I want to be a mum so why wait 7 years to tell me. He said he didnt want to drag me along, think he already has. Ive wasted 7 years of my life. Im only 26 and he is 30 but still. He says his life is a mess and he needs time to think. He then says he wants to try work things out till the end of the year. Things have changed. I thought we wanted the same things, obviously not. We live together. He said he wants to take the cat, which I will heart broken about but Eevee appears to have a better bond with him so if shes happier with him, its whats best.
> He told me this last friday, we had a big family event at the weekend and I had to smile and pretend everything was okay. Ive been feeling pretty numb about it all. I think this is the end.


I'm sorry you have to go through this, but sometimes things happen for a reason. I was in a five year relationship that was going nowhere. I'd known for a while that he was a commitment phobic, but it took me five years to fall in love and fall out of love to the point where I was strong enough to end it. He was quite happy to carry on having a relationship with me; he just didn't want to get married or even live together. Like you I was 26.

Shortly after I met a wonderful, kind and caring man. We married and have stayed married, so maybe it's your time to meet your prince and this guy just isn't him. When you do meet him, this guy will fade into insignificance.


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## huckybuck (Jan 17, 2014)

KittenEevee said:


> I am sorry to hear what you are going through. Dont have any words of advice but thinking of you. My partner of 7 years has just told me he sees our lives heading in different directions. He wants to travel and see the world, doesnt want to get married and I want to settle down and have a family. He says he never sees himself as a dad but he knew all along I want to be a mum so why wait 7 years to tell me. He said he didnt want to drag me along, think he already has. Ive wasted 7 years of my life. Im only 26 and he is 30 but still. He says his life is a mess and he needs time to think. He then says he wants to try work things out till the end of the year. Things have changed. I thought we wanted the same things, obviously not. We live together. He said he wants to take the cat, which I will heart broken about but Eevee appears to have a better bond with him so if shes happier with him, its whats best.
> He told me this last friday, we had a big family event at the weekend and I had to smile and pretend everything was okay. Ive been feeling pretty numb about it all. I think this is the end.


Men are cowards.
He has been happy to be with you for so many years and now his life is a mess, needs time to think and he wants to travel. Hmmm....
I always smell a rat when they come up with stuff like this. 
As for working things out til the end of the year he sounds another one who is biding time and getting his end in order - he didn't mention working things out for your future together...

I would be telling him to pack his stuff now, go and do all his travelling "alone" and he'll have plenty of time to "think". 
In the meantime you will be having Eevee as it's not fair on her, for him to be off travelling (she will soon create a better bond with you when you are her sole slave, so don't worry about that at all) and you can move on now, immediately (rather wasting another 8 months time) and find the someone who does have the same goals in life as you do.

Same advice as to @MilleD - be strong lovely - take what he says with a pinch of salt - and start thinking of yourself. It's not been a waste of 7 years if you have learned from it, grown because of it and have a true understanding of what and who WILL make you happy.


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## ExD (Jul 1, 2016)

I think people are telling you to go kiss a few more frogs before you find your prince!


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## crystalwitch (Mar 27, 2017)

KittenEevee said:


> I am sorry to hear what you are going through. Dont have any words of advice but thinking of you. My partner of 7 years has just told me he sees our lives heading in different directions. He wants to travel and see the world, doesnt want to get married and I want to settle down and have a family. He says he never sees himself as a dad but he knew all along I want to be a mum so why wait 7 years to tell me. He said he didnt want to drag me along, think he already has. Ive wasted 7 years of my life. Im only 26 and he is 30 but still. He says his life is a mess and he needs time to think. He then says he wants to try work things out till the end of the year. Things have changed. I thought we wanted the same things, obviously not. We live together. He said he wants to take the cat, which I will heart broken about but Eevee appears to have a better bond with him so if shes happier with him, its whats best.
> He told me this last friday, we had a big family event at the weekend and I had to smile and pretend everything was okay. Ive been feeling pretty numb about it all. I think this is the end.


The worst bit I read in your post was that he wants to take the cat. Although you are really upset and hurting now, I think a lot of it is the shock of the way he chose to tell you. In the last seven years, you will both have changed to some degree; sadly you have grown in different directions. If he really wants to go travelling, he can't take Eevee, but may suggest that you can have her until he returns - if he does, get him to sign her over to you permanently. You love her enough to let her go if she would be better off with him, but he wants to take her without any thought for her welfare while he goes away. Small consolation, but at least he has done this before you had children and you are free to take your life in any direction you want. I hope that once you are over the initial shock, you can see that in a way, he has done you a favour - you could have dragged on for another seven or eight years with the same outcome. Look forward, and be happy.


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## ExD (Jul 1, 2016)

I am a bit confused re who we're discussing here - is it the OP Millie, or KittenEevee. 
MillieD said in her first post that he didn't want the cats and I don't think he mentioned travel (?) did he?


MilleD said:


> It also turns out he doesn't like all the cat stuff in the house and could do without them, which is ironic as 3 out of the 4 we currently have are only here because of him.


Perhaps she expanded on this later on and I missed it. Anyway, it is indeed a blessing neither of you had children with your partner or marry, and you are both young enough to have a family later.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

ExD said:


> I am a bit confused re who we're discussing here - is it the OP Millie, or KittenEevee.
> MillieD said in her first post that he didn't want the cats and I don't think he mentioned travel (?) did he?


I think that the last couple of posts were aimed at KittenEevee  My OH as you rightly point out, definitely doesn't want any of my 4 cats!



ExD said:


> Perhaps she expanded on this later on and I missed it. Anyway, it is indeed a blessing neither of you had children with your partner or marry, and you are both young enough to have a family later.


I've never been able to fall pregnant - I hope that was my physiology not his - and at 44 I doubt I will now. KittenEevee is certainly still young enough at 26.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

Aarrrrggghhhhh!!!

So my tenant was all ready to move this weekend, I went round on Monday to do a pre-check to see if there was anything obvious he needed to sort.

Then phonecall this morning at half eight to say the van hire company have let him down and it will be next weekend now.

I know it's only a week, and I probably wouldn't have immediately moved in as I need to take some time off work because of the cats, it's just infuriating.

Rant over.


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## ChaosCat (Dec 7, 2017)

It is absolutely infurating as you need everything sorted, of course. It is a wonder how long you were able to bear with the status quo.


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## Summercat (Oct 8, 2017)

Can’t he try to find another company? Short notice but it is still Friday, there may be transport available from somewhere for the weekend.


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

ChaosCat said:


> It is absolutely infurating as you need everything sorted, of course. It is a wonder how long you were able to bear with the status quo.


I'm managing ok really. It's a very busy time of year at work so working long hours which helps. The ex is often out in the evenings. Weekends aren't easy, but I know he is working tomorrow so this weekend shouldn't be too bad. We are getting on ok considering. I know that I'm ready to explode though at the slightest provocation. I can feel it simmering.

Just hope it doesn't happen at work


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## Smuge (Feb 6, 2017)

MilleD said:


> Aarrrrggghhhhh!!!
> 
> So my tenant was all ready to move this weekend, I went round on Monday to do a pre-check to see if there was anything obvious he needed to sort.
> 
> ...


Moving has been a pain in the ass. I don't know what its like from the landlords point of view but I was seconds away from pulling the plug on my entire move the other day.

Viewed the house on the 26th about 4pm, applied for tenancy on the 27th at 9am. Heard nothing the rest of the week, then it was a 5 day holiday for Easter, estate agent shut Friday, Sat, Monday and Tues. Still no word on Wed the 4th but I knew other applicants had applied, apparently the landlord wasn't responding. Finally heard word that my application was accepted on Thursday the 5th and that I would be put forward to homelet for referencing. Homelet application wasn't even submitted til Monday, but was completed the same day. Once the references were sorted it had to go forward to the landlord for review. Heard on Tuesday that he was fine with this but had now decided that he wanted an extra pet deposit (not unusual, but would have helped if it was mentioned when we viewed the property weeks ago) phoned round family in a panic, got hold of an extra months rent. Called back the estate agent and told them we would take it, 'great, what day will your guarantor be coming to sign the lease?'

That was when I almost walked away. My dad has been my guarantor on 3 houses (2 in England and my current on in NI) and has never been asked to come meet any estate agent. The agent is only open 9-5 Monday to Friday, my dad lives several hours drive away and works, no way could I ask him to take a day off work to drive here. I had to call up and say its just not an option, so I had to find a new guarantor who was willing to drive here on a weekday and ask them to sign the extensive paperwork, it took another two days before this was sorted and sent to the landlord for review. I haven't heard back from them but I have an appointment on Monday for my OH, new guarantor (have honestly never heard of a guarantor having to do this) and to l hopefully sign the lease. But until then I can't finalise dates with the movers, arrange to have internet installed, find contents insurance etc. I feel like screaming

All the stress for the low low price of a £80 referencing fee plus two months rent deposit and a months rent upfront...bargain


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## Gallifreyangirl (Feb 11, 2015)

Oh @Smuge I do feel for you seem to have been through the mill trying to get another rental property. I am keeping my fingers crossed it all works out. @MilleD Hope all works out with the tenant moving for the following week and that you can move yourself and the cats then back into your old home.


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## Whompingwillow (Feb 21, 2018)

Smuge said:


> Moving has been a pain in the ass. I don't know what its like from the landlords point of view but I was seconds away from pulling the plug on my entire move the other day.
> 
> Viewed the house on the 26th about 4pm, applied for tenancy on the 27th at 9am. Heard nothing the rest of the week, then it was a 5 day holiday for Easter, estate agent shut Friday, Sat, Monday and Tues. Still no word on Wed the 4th but I knew other applicants had applied, apparently the landlord wasn't responding. Finally heard word that my application was accepted on Thursday the 5th and that I would be put forward to homelet for referencing. Homelet application wasn't even submitted til Monday, but was completed the same day. Once the references were sorted it had to go forward to the landlord for review. Heard on Tuesday that he was fine with this but had now decided that he wanted an extra pet deposit (not unusual, but would have helped if it was mentioned when we viewed the property weeks ago) phoned round family in a panic, got hold of an extra months rent. Called back the estate agent and told them we would take it, 'great, what day will your guarantor be coming to sign the lease?'
> 
> ...


an email from my guarantor has always been enough!


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## CuddleMonster (Mar 9, 2016)

Look on the bright side - at least you have a guarantor. The last place I lived in, I had to borrow money so that I could pay the entire rental term up front as I don't know anyone who earns enough to be a guarantor for me.


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## ExD (Jul 1, 2016)

That's life I suppose.
As you say, its only a week. I'm sure you've calmed down by now, bless you, this has been a long drawn out process - and in just seven days you'll be FREEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
(I am speaking to the right person here I hope - this is directed to Millie D)?


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## MilleD (Feb 15, 2016)

ExD said:


> That's life I suppose.
> As you say, its only a week. I'm sure you've calmed down by now, bless you, this has been a long drawn out process - and in just seven days you'll be FREEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
> (I am speaking to the right person here I hope - this is directed to Millie D)?


Yes you are, thank you.

It does seem to have dragged on somewhat


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## ExD (Jul 1, 2016)

I keep getting you mixed up with other Kittenevee and Smudge - I feel like I'm losing it.


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