# Feel Like a Failure...



## MissMikiG (Jun 10, 2012)

Hi All,

I am new here and in desperate need of help, I never thought I would post anything like this and feel like such a horrible person.

My background is that I have had a cat "Calvin" for 17 years now, he is the most amazing cat, so affectionate, great personality and feels like a friend, comforts me whenever I am down and has the best comedy timing. But, I think I have been spoiled by him.

Calvin now lives with my Mum, I moved out and didn't want to stress him by moving as he is now an old cat, so I go and visit him regularly.

My partner and I in our new house decided to adopt 2 cats from the RSPCA "Leonard & Penny". They are brother and sister and were originally from a feral colony. Penny was adopted out once but came back to the RSPCA because a child in the family was allergic. We decided to take them both. Leonard has never live in a house before.

They are now nearly 10 months old and we have had them for 2 of them. 

The issue is, they will not warm to us at all. They run as soon as we move, not even sudden movements, they will not let us anywhere near them never mind touch them and they stay hidden whenever they can. 

On top of this they are chewing everything we own to bits - this I could handle, it's part of having pets especially young ones... I could handle IT if I was getting some sort of attention but they constantly look at us like we are going to kill them and run a mile if we even breathe. 

I have come down this morning and my curtains (put up yesterday) are torn to shreds...again, could handle this...IF we got some affection from them.

Penny at times has let us stroke her but then within 5 minutes she will hate us again. They have sussed out that we feed them and will stand at their bowels waiting, and sleep outside our bedroom door waiting for us to get up in a morning - but when we have fed them if we walk anywhere near the kitchen they hide again. 

On a plus side, they are not aggressive, they have not shown their claws nor teeth once. 

I am actually at a point now where I feel like I have made a mistake adopting them BUT I have made a commitment to them and any cat deserves a home despite their personality (humans are the same!) I really need help - I suffer from depression and I was hoping having a cat again would help (pet ownership is a proven distraction) but I feel like I am failing, surely after 2 months we should have seen some change?

Please, any help would be great.

I love these cats, just wish they would love us. Pictures of them attached - the 2x black ones are Leonard and Penny. The massive black and white fluffy thing is Calvin.


----------



## buffie (May 31, 2010)

Hi and welcome to the forum.Well done for taking on feral kittens,although you probably dont think it was such a great idea at the moment.
2 months for any rescue kittens is not very long,so obviously feral kittens are going to be a bit more difficult.
You say that they show no aggression this is unusual as most true ferals will show true fear and will defend thenmselves if neededFirst question are they both neutered,if not get this done asap Did the RSPCA socialise these kittens before rehoming them and have they offered any back up help.
If they cant or are unwilling to become involved it may be worth contacting Cat Protection or a similar cat rescue to ask if they can advise you on how to approach this.
I have posted a link to a very good cat site which may be of help....

Taming Feral Kittens

Please dont give up on these little souls,not that I'm saying you would.Once you get their trust they will repay you with their love and trust for years to come.Good luck and please keep us updated.


----------



## MissMikiG (Jun 10, 2012)

Hi Buffie,

Thank you for your reply - I can see, especially in Penny that they want love. They are both neutered, one of the main reasons we got from the RSPCA was that we could be sure they were in the best of health when we adopted. 

But yes, not aggressive at all, sometimes Leonard can hiss when he is taken by surprise but has never lashed out.

One odd thing is that they will play with us, when we are on the end of those "fishing rod" style toys and will actively play with each other in the middle of the living room when we are there but will run if we (even to scratch our noses! haha).

We decided to let them out last week - Leonard disapeared for 20mins (I was looking for him like a worried mother) but he did find his way home which is comforting. 

I will try that link. Thank you


----------



## buffie (May 31, 2010)

The wand type toys are great for encouraging play.You could also try a bag of "Dreamies" or similar cat treats.Most cats will sell their soul for these.Just have them to hand and encourage them to come closer by placing the treats near to you while sitting quietly,reading out loud ect.You will feel like a wally but it does seem to help


----------



## Jiskefet (May 15, 2011)

Please don't let them out......
Keep them as indoor cats for as long as you can, it is the best way to socialize them.

It takes time for a kitten to get used to their new slaves, and these ferals are not used to communicating or living with humans at all. To them, you are huge, scary animals, probably predators.....

They have learned by now that you are providers of food, but you are still scary. If you adapt your behaviour to accommodate them, they will come around sooner.A few things you can try: 'announce' your movements, start talking to them, tell them in a gentle voice that you are going to get up before you move. This way you will have their attention, and they know you are up to something. Try to come down to their level when communicating with them: lie down on the floor or on the couch and read to them... I find that poetry and children's stories work well, they make your voice go very gentle.
Try to behave like a cat: move slowly and graceously, no sudden moves, never look straight at them, but look slightly past them, with eyes half closed and preferably blinking. Then look away again. 
In cat language, this means: I acknowledge and respect you, I mean you no harm. I feel comfortable in your presence.

Another thing that might calm them and make them feel more relaxed is a feliway plug-in evaporator. It spreads cat pheromones, the same chemical cats produce to mark their safe haven. It makes your house smell like a cat's home.

But the thing you need most is patience. I have a feral cat, too, she was caught in the polder at about 18 to 20 weeks old, and she is 8 years old now. She will not let us pick her up without a bit of a rodeo, but once she realizes it is necessary, she will allow it. She does come up to us for cuddles, though, and if she wants something from us, she can suddenly be all hugs and cuddles. Our cats have a cat flap, but if it is locked for some reason, she will even come onto our bed to beg us t open it again for her.

And when she was hurt and needed medical treatment, she came to us and let us do all that was necessary. She knew we were ther to help her. So she DOES trust us. But she remains a little wildcat, a free spirit, living by her instinct.


----------



## ella (Jan 1, 2009)

Hiya

I had Bibi (in my pic) 2 months after my beloved Henry was PTS following a long period of illness. Henry was easy going, affectionate, and really easy to deal with.

Bibi arrived last August Bank holiday, she spent 3 weeks under my bed, and I thought I had made a huge mistake. She had been mistreated in a previous home and was terrified of quick movement (I think she may have been hit) and sudden noises. She had started to interact with me when she then escaped and was lost for 10 days or so. When she returned she was almost back to the start. 

My vet had suggested a food with Zylkene in it (Royal Canin Calm) which is an enzyme like one their mums produce in their milk to soothe kittens, so I tried that as soon as she came home from her escapade. This made a big difference. Feliway plug in or spray may help too,

Over the next couple of months, Bibi was much calmer and more confident - meeting visitors and greeting me at the door when I came in. The biggest temptation was to pick her up and cuddle her like I would Henry, but I had to let her feel confident that I wouldnt make her feel uncomfortable - I did lapse a couple of times and she went back into herself again, but only for a short time.

Anyway, Bibi now jumps up onto my bed for a cuddle (or Dreamie) but doesnt sleep there, and she will sit in the lounge but not next to me. She checks where I am and is happy if I acknowledge her. She is happier if I am sitting down low - if I sit on the bed, she comes up and will cuddle me and nuzzle into me and 'kiss' me, and I put her bed on the landing upstairs which she loves, she can see or hear (creaky step!) if anyone is coming and often will be laying in her basket with a paw aloft, ready for a tummy rub as I go upstairs. I sit on the top step and again she will nuzzle into me.

Two months is a short time for displaced cats, so maybe start to see how they react to certain things, and maybe move or change a couple of things to build their confidence. I keep Dreamies near to the bed, and in the lounge, so that any good response from Bibi is rewarded. 

I get different rewards from Bibi than I did from Henry - I work harder to get the affection that Henry would have given freely - but the rewards feel greater because I know I have now earned her trust.

I think the hardest part is trying to have different expectations to what you may have had from another cat.

Keep at it, and let us know how it's going


----------



## marleyboo (Oct 24, 2011)

they are adoreable 

im no expert but im sure its just a matter off trust. lots off treats encouragement and speaking in a soft tone off voice ,will soon win them around.

i also think playing with toys on a low level with them may help. let them involve themselves... they may start to realise its fun and associate you with all the good things in life  xx


----------



## Philski (May 28, 2010)

2 weeks is quite early days, but I suspect that you're going to have fairly aloof cats for a while to come. Jiskefet gives some excellent advice, especially the part about eye contact - looking a cat directly in the eye is generally taken to be aggressive. Also, playing with them may well help to breal some of the boundaries as you've already found.

By the way, I have to say that your Calvin is the absolute spit of my brother's cat, also 17 and also called Calvin!


----------



## theheatherjane (Apr 30, 2012)

Gosh, reading your post is like reading one of my own.

I have no words of wisdom as I'm not yet winning with my two either.
I sometimes think having two makes it harder as they tend to feed off each other, if one runs for the hills then the other goes too.

But I follow all the great advice I get on here, and realising other people have been in similar situations gives me hope too.
Good luck, keep us posted.


----------



## scatchy (Nov 29, 2011)

I used to do a lot of taming of feral kittens and the advice I would give won't be much help.
I found that ferals tame much better if kept singly - I would never advise getting 2. They will always be more attatched to each other than you.
As you already have 2, then I would say just keep working on them. Lots and lots of short but frequent sessions of play and stroking them.
Keep them with you (or your partner) as much as possible - don't let them hide away in another room. Talk to them a lot and don't molly coddle them. 
You want them to overcome their fear, not make allowances for it.
It will probably take a long time and them may never be like a normal domestic cats but they should get more friendly in time.
It is impossible to say how your particular cats will turn out as they are all individuals.
Only you can decide if you want to persevere with them, but you have done a really good thing giving them a home, when they would struggle to find one with someone else - in a way that is a sort of reward.


----------



## MissMikiG (Jun 10, 2012)

Hi all,

Thank you for all your help. I have now had them 14 months, they will be 2 years old in August. Unfortunately we have had no improvements  further to this they have also been stress soiling on any fabric within the house (not spraying), any cushion, clothing, blankets etc. 

We have tried everything above, so again thank you for your suggestions.

I am contemplating re-homing them separately and trying to find an owner with more time than I am offer. It breaks my heart to see animals like this, I am trying my hardest and it seems like they are struggling so badly.

Although I am not convinced I will be able to find them a home.

Am I a bad cat mum? 

In bad news also my Calvin had to be put down 2 months ago, simply for old age... He finally just gave up


----------



## buffie (May 31, 2010)

So sorry to read that you have lost Calvin
As for the terrible twosome, do you have feliway diffusers plugged in this may help to calm them a bit.
The only other suggestion I can give you is that you try the help of a pet behaviourist,there is a list of approved members here................
APBC Members by Region | Association of Pet Behaviour Counsellors, just put in your location and it will list those near you or perhaps your vet or Cats Protection may be able to advise.
Hope you can get this sorted for all concerned,I would advise though that if you do have to rehome them you try to get some assistance from a rescue or somewhere that can help to find the right home.Maybe they need to be "barn cats" where they will be fed and looked after but not hassled too much.Please keep us posted.
Maybe someone will be along with better advice,I hope so.


----------

