# Auntie lostbear advises . . .



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

It has been suggested to me that a person of my wisdom and compassion ought to be writing and advice column to help you everyday folk cope with all of your problems (the ones I haven't caused, anyway). I have considered this suggestion carefully, and come to the conclusion that genius like mine brings with it responsibilities to the rest of humanity.

Therefore, if anyone wants advice on any subject whatsoever, feel free to ask, and I will tell you everything you are doing wrong and what to do to put it right. Everything will be treated in extreme confidence, and no-one except myself and the 47,854 forum members will ever learn of your shameful secrets, and you can rely on our discretion, you know that, honest.

Don't be shy - get all of that embarrassing stuff out in the open so we can all have a lau - er, I mean - offer our support.

Hope to hear from some of you soon. Addictions are my particular speciality, especially if they concern anteaters, world domination, or protodogs, but I have an opinion on everything - so ask away. :thumbsup:


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## Rafa (Jun 18, 2012)

Dear Aunty Lostbear,

My Jack Russell, Rosie, has a stuffed Meerkat toy. My Son bought it her for Christmas, such a compassionate and loving boy, I'm so proud.

Anyhoo, over the last couple of days, Rosie has clearly made a decision that the Meerkat needs a damned good thrashing at least twice a day. One of his eyes has gone and the stuffing is now hanging out of his nose.

It is a shocking business.

Do you think Rosie is trying to exert dominance over me with this behaviour? Should I spend several thousand pounds getting Cesar Millan to come and 'sort her out'?

Please help. I'm going to buy a shock collar in the hope that Rosie will respect me and her Meerkat when I whack 10,000 volts through her, but will she love me more?

Why doesn't she love her Meerkat? He's done nothing wrong, for God's sake.

(Rocks backwards and forwards in corner, clutching rosary beads and vial of holy water).


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## staffgirl (May 1, 2013)

Dear Auntie Lostbear,

Seeing as you specialise in addictions, can you help me with my latest one? I can't stop eating Twinkies. It's getting out of control and embarrassing. I have them in my pockets, handbag, dog walking bumbag, under my hat. It all started when I lost my beloved anteater Miss Fluffy to another. My jeans no longer fit. I am followed around everywhere by wasps. My teeth are rotting. Please help me.

Staffgirl


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## Ceiling Kitty (Mar 7, 2010)

Dear Auntie lostbear,

Anything I can do for a Charlie Day addiction?

Actually... scratch that, who'd want to?


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sweety said:


> Dear Aunty Lostbear,
> 
> My Jack Russell, Rosie, has a stuffed Meerkat toy. My Son bought it her for Christmas, such a compassionate and loving boy, I'm so proud.
> 
> ...


Dear Sweety

Your tragic tale touched my heart - what a nightmare you are experiencing at the moment. It is particularly worrying that this is a meerkat toy - does it (as I suspect) wear clothing? Possibly even a smoking jacket? Even if not, the close association of meerkats with wealthy oligarchs suggests that your jack russell is a closet communist, wanting nothing more than to sink her fangs into the throats of the patrician oppressor, destroy the brutal servitude such as they visit on the proletariat, and institute a minor communist state in your kitchen.

For your own safety I suggest that you convince your dog that you are but an humble serf by humming "The Red Flag". wearing soiled rags and eating only mud with perhaps a single potato on Sundays. Don't go mad and treat yourself to a turnip - only kulaks could afford such luxury, and you could find yourself on the wrong end of a sharp tooth.

Yes - get Cesar Milan over - but I wouldn't bother with the shock collar unless you are going to put on the idiot Milan's neck and shock some sense into him.

Personally I would buy more meerkats and give them to your noble little dog (what a social conscience she has!) one at a time when she has fully destroyed this one. This will keep her occupied and stop her from turning her keen political mind to staging a full revolution against yourself. You may end up as a puppet government in your own home, but at least you will be alive.

As for the meerkat not having done anything wrong - it is in the nature of political upheaval that the innocent are the ones to suffer first and most.


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## Ceiling Kitty (Mar 7, 2010)

lostbear said:


> Dear Sweety
> 
> Your tragic tale touched my heart - what a nightmare you are experiencing at the moment. It is particularly worrying that this is a meerkat toy - does it (as I suspect) wear clothing? Possibly even a smoking jacket? Even if not, the close association of meerkats with wealthy oligarchs suggests that you jack russell is a closet communist, wanting nothing more than to sink her fangs into the throats of the patrician oppressor, destroy the brutal servitude such as they visit on the proletariat, and institute a minor communist state in your kitchen.
> 
> ...


Almost spat my tea out! :lol:


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Shoshannah said:


> Dear Auntie lostbear,
> 
> Anything I can do for a Charlie Day addiction?
> 
> Actually... scratch that, who'd want to?


Charlie Day? Mother's Day - yes. Father's Day - yes. Christmas day - certainly.

But CHARLIE Day????? Why would anyone want to celebrate heroin?


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

staffgirl said:


> Dear Auntie Lostbear,
> 
> Seeing as you specialise in addictions, can you help me with my latest one? I can't stop eating Twinkies. It's getting out of control and embarrassing. I have them in my pockets, handbag, dog walking bumbag, under my hat. It all started when I lost my beloved anteater Miss Fluffy to another. My jeans no longer fit. I am followed around everywhere by wasps. My teeth are rotting. *Please help me.*
> 
> Staffgirl


No.

If you eat anything with such a stupid name you deserve all you get.

EDIT: I appreciate that you were distraught with anteater related grief, but could you not shower your misplaced affection onto another helpless little creature? One of the wasps perhaps? Surely there is one which appeals to you more than the rest of the swarm - a sweeter smile, perhaps; a less furious buzz; brighter stripes . . .


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## Ceiling Kitty (Mar 7, 2010)

lostbear said:


> Charlie Day? Mother's Day - yes. Father's Day - yes. Christmas day - certainly.
> 
> But CHARLIE Day????? Why would anyone want to celebrate heroin?


Drugs? No no no, we don't use drugs in this house (she says, as Bagpuss is rolling around in the catnip).

The Charlie to whom I refer is a living, breathing and completely unattainable human being.


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## Rafa (Jun 18, 2012)

Shoshannah said:


> Almost spat my tea out! :lol:


 Tea?!!! 

Whatcha doing drinking tea at this time? Red wine is the way to go.

No wonder you're struggling. Thank goodness Auntie Lostbear is here to set you back on the straight and narrow.

Phew. :closedeyes:


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Shoshannah said:


> Drugs? No no no, we don't use drugs in this house (she says, as Bagpuss is rolling around in the catnip).
> 
> *The Charlie to whom I refer is a living, breathing and completely unattainable human being*.


Oh, for heaven's sake - either meet him and [email protected] him stupid, or just get over yourself. How can you be obsessed with someone with a name that sounds like a cartoon clown? It might be safest for all of us if you agreed to have yourself committed.

Addendum - Omigawd - I've just googled him - heisyouravatarandheisknickerwettinglygorgeous!

I would go for the first option I mentioned if I were you.


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## Ceiling Kitty (Mar 7, 2010)

lostbear said:


> Oh, for heaven's sake - either meet him and [email protected] him stupid, or just get over yourself. How can you be obsessed with someone with a name that sounds like a cartoon clown? It might be safest for all of us if you agreed to have yourself committed.
> 
> Addendum - Omigawd - I've just googled him - heisyouravatarandheisknickerwettinglygorgeous!
> 
> I would go for the first option I mentioned if I were you.


I'm not going to get to swallow any of this tea, am I?


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Shoshannah said:


> I'm not going to get to swallow any of this tea, am I?


You might. I am going to bed now - I am old and I need my rest - so all queries will be answered tomorrow.

Try not to need anything urgent.


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## Rafa (Jun 18, 2012)

lostbear said:


> Dear Sweety
> 
> Your tragic tale touched my heart - what a nightmare you are experiencing at the moment. It is particularly worrying that this is a meerkat toy - does it (as I suspect) wear clothing? Possibly even a smoking jacket? Even if not, the close association of meerkats with wealthy oligarchs suggests that your jack russell is a closet communist, wanting nothing more than to sink her fangs into the throats of the patrician oppressor, destroy the brutal servitude such as they visit on the proletariat, and institute a minor communist state in your kitchen.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much Auntie Lostbear.

Yes, the Meerkat is beautifully clothed .......... a picture of sartorial elegance in fact.

I will strip him bare immediately and hit the shops at 7.00. a.m. tomorrow to buy more Meerkats.

I'm sure I will be able to wrestle back control of my home and life from Rosie following your sterling and heartfelt advice.

I will keep you updated.


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## Ceiling Kitty (Mar 7, 2010)

Sweety said:


> Thank you so much Auntie Lostbear.
> 
> Yes, the Meerkat is beautifully clothed .......... a picture of sartorial elegance in fact.
> 
> ...


Good luck, comrade.


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## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

Things keep going missing! No I'm not going senile, things do keep going missing in my house, and I've come to the conclusion it has to be some sort of mythical being living under the floorboards helping themselves to hair bands, nail polish, and moving things about like phone handsets, remote controls etc. It couldn't possibly be one of the dogs, namely Zasa, as she's really an angel in disguise :yesnod: so it HAS to be some sort of mythical creature, sneaking through a gap in the floorboards and stealing/rearranging things. 

First up, how do I identify which mythical creature it is? 
Secondly, how do I appease/trap said mythical creature?
And finally, how do I get rid of the darn thing?????

Thank you LB for any advice on the correct identification and eviction process for said mythical beast, I am looking forward to being able to find things where I left them. 

PS I'm not going senile, honest


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## poohdog (May 16, 2010)

*Dear Auntie,
I have a deep seated feeling that people ignore me....what should I do?*










*Auntie?

HELLO!

HELLO!

HELLO!*


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sweety said:


> Thank you so much Auntie Lostbear.
> 
> Yes, the Meerkat is beautifully clothed .......... a picture of sartorial elegance in fact.
> 
> ...


Thank you - I always like to get confirmation of my cleverness.


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> Things keep going missing! No I'm not going senile, things do keep going missing in my house, and I've come to the conclusion it has to be some sort of mythical being living under the floorboards helping themselves to hair bands, nail polish, and moving things about like phone handsets, remote controls etc. It couldn't possibly be one of the dogs, namely Zasa, as she's really an angel in disguise :yesnod: so it HAS to be some sort of mythical creature, sneaking through a gap in the floorboards and stealing/rearranging things.
> 
> First up, how do I identify which mythical creature it is?
> Secondly, how do I appease/trap said mythical creature?
> ...


Dear Sleeping_Lion

You have mentioned several times that you are not going senile. That repeated denial itself is a sign of senility. However, we will assume that what you say is true, and you do still have all, or at least most, of your marbles.

Well' quite honestly my dear, without more information it is difficult to say what sort of mythical creature is living under your floorboards (or perhaps behind the skirting boards - they like that, too). The likeliest culprits are:

1) *Gremlins* - do your household appliances go haywire for no reason? Is there often jam in the plug sockets? Has food gone missing after midnight? If so, you may have a gremlin. The only way to deal with these is with a flamethrower. There may be some collateral damage to the house, but these things can't be helped. _Don't throw a bucket of water over them whatever they might be up to. Trust me on this one_

2) *Fairies* - is there eerie, unexplained laughter like the tinkling of tiny musical bells? Do you find rainbow coloured dust (sparkly) all over the house? Are the puddles in your garden full of iridescent colours? In that case your tiny kleptomaniac may be a fairy. Leave a bowl of fresh milk on the doorstep. Poison it.

3) *Brownies* - no - not the interfering little girls who infest our church halls, but the interfering little creatures from whom they take there name. Is the house miraculously tidied during the night? Do you find that someone had baked you little cakes? Is there a tiny bum groove on a particular seat each morning? You have a Brownie. There is no known cure for Brownies (why would you want rid of one?) I believe they like porridge. Leave some out for the little fellow when you go to bed. He'll wash and put away the bowl when he's finished.

4) *Boggarts* - Don't be ridiculous. Stop reading Harry Potter at bedtime.

5) *Elves* - Do you catch a glimpse of a fleeting enigmatic smile shimmering in the air? Are there very long silky hairs, and occasional arrowheads, on the kitchen worktops? Is there any evidence that your iron has been used on Mithrail vests (it will be on the "Holocaust" setting). Could well be an elf. These are a bugger to eradicate. Once they're in, they're in, and the only thing to do is buy a Balrog. Believe you me, you're better off with the elves, irritating as they are.

6)* Piskeys* - Badly spelled messages left on the walls? Riotous singing in the early hours of the morning - stops when you switch the light on, but you can still hear stifled giggles? Dogs looking really fed up having been tormented by drunken "little folk" all night. Your thieving little [email protected] are piskeys. Get a large cat and move out of Cornwall.

7) *Wee Free Men* -An unaccountable feeling that every enjoyable thing that you do is just disapproved of and you are going to hell. All of the whiskey disappears overnight, having been consumed in a series of "wee drams". Oatcake crumbs on the carpet. You have been invaded by Scottish religious hardline bigots. Fill the house with raucous laughter and dancing girls immediately. There is no need to feed your "visitors". They'll have had their tea.

8) *Sprites* - Just don't get me started! [email protected]!

These are the likeliest culprits - obviously there are more, but we'll check the more common ones out first.

You are right that Zasa is totally innocent of any wrongdoing, and in fact I think you should get her a large and very juicy lump of dead animal as an apology for even mentioning her in the same post. She is obviously trying bravely, and all alone, to defend your house against this onslaught of otherworld nasties. You should be kinder to her.


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

poohdog said:


> *Dear Auntie,
> I have a deep seated feeling that people ignore me....what should I do?*
> 
> 
> ...


(*pushes past poohdog*) NEXT! Anyone there? Hello?


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## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

lostbear said:


> Dear Sleeping_Lion
> 
> You have mentioned several times that you are not going senile. That repeated denial itself is a sign of senility. However, we will assume that what you say is true, and you do still have all, or at least most, of your marbles.
> 
> ...


I hang my head in shame and promise to give her the biggest piece of chicken for breakfast.


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## Space Chick (Dec 10, 2011)

Dear Auntie Lostbear,

I have an addiction. I am ashamed!

I keep buying wool. Yes, I knit, but I now have enough wool to keep me in jumpers for years!

I have 3 under bed storage boxes, full! And Ottoman, full! And some more wool arrived yesterday, and I have another order from eBay on it's way and I am watching another 5 lots of eBay that end in the next few days.

I don't know where to store this new wool?

Help me oh wise one.

Love Space Chick


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## westie~ma (Mar 16, 2009)

Dear Auntie Lostbear,

How do I tell my husband that we are expecting a delivery of a little bundle of joy?? Nah I'm not pregnant .... I've gone and bought another tent   

It's really his own fault, yesterday he bought me more shelving for Brutus .... its as if he knew :skep:


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Space Chick said:


> Dear Auntie Lostbear,
> 
> I have an addiction. I am ashamed!
> 
> ...


Dear Space Chick

I am already impressed by what a sensible young person you are. Many people would have wanted to cure their wool addiction (it is easier to come off crystal meth), but you accept that you are beyond human help (even mine) and look for a workable solution to the practicalities of your little "hobby".

I suggest that you clear the loft and if necessary, the garage, and establish a "wool library" (with annex). Sort, label, and catalogue your wool so that it is easy to find the particular batch that you want whenever you feel the urge to plunge your arms in up to the elbows, and hiss, "My precioussssssss". This will save you so much time that you can spend searching e-bay so that you can add to your collection.

You can raise finds to buy more (and do your loft conversion) by inviting television cameras into your home. Write to the BBC (ITV never have any money) suggesting a series on "Wool Hoarders", where people have their private shame publicly exposed under a thin and insincere veneer of "helping" them. Or "I'm a Knitwit - Get me out of here" where celebrities are locked in a barn with a herd of wild mountain sheep and have to catch, clean, shear and spin into wool all of their fleeces before they can get any publicity to buoy up their failing careers. Or what about "Strictly Come Shearing" - professional shepherds coupled to useless celebs shear a different variety of sheep each week. Marks will be given for speed, style, panache and how many ticks have to be removed from them at the end of each show. Additionally, this will have both international appeal, because many of the professionals will be Australian, I expect - famous in the antipodes and desperate to make their names known here - and it will also attract people who like dogs because there will be a strong border collie element involved (these will be needed to keep the mindless animals in check, and possibly they'll fetch a couple in to deal with the sheep as well).

Or you could knit faster.


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

westie~ma said:


> Dear Auntie Lostbear,
> 
> How do I tell my husband that we are expecting a delivery of a little bundle of joy?? Nah I'm not pregnant .... I've gone and bought another tent
> 
> *It's really his own fault, yesterday he bought me more shelving for Brutus .... its as if he knew* :skep:


He probably did. Men, though not noted for their intelligence, do possess a sort of low brute cunning which sometimes gives them an instinct. They know not what they are struggling against, but they are aware of something.

Personally, I wouldn't even bother to tell him, as the odds are he won't even otice anything different about your camping trips, or if he does, he will think that you've had your hair done. In the unlikely event that he realises that it is a new tent just go with the "This old thing? - I've had it for years. You don't take a damn bit of notice of me, do you? Not. A. Bit. I bet you know what that trollop (insert name here) at work goes camping in though, don't you? Oooooh. Yes. I'll just bet you do." This will immediately put him on the back foot and he will be desperate to apologise. He might even surprise you with a new porta-potty.


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## Valanita (Apr 13, 2010)

Dear Auntie Lostbear, I have a problem with cuddly toys, particularly dogs & horses & teddy bears. I can't stop buying them & my house is overflowing with cuddly toys.
My OH keeps on at me to remove them from the furniture. Have you any suggestions as to how I can stop this adiction.
*An example of my problem..*..


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## cheekyscrip (Feb 8, 2010)

Ok..you asked for it..

DD had an op on her femur..on Friday..They started SAts on Monday..she does not want to mis her exams!!
but headteacher said if she cannot walk upstairs he rather she took it later and stayed hoem...she is in a bit of pain...but her form teacher suggested to go just for the exams?

she missed the morn already..should I wheel her just for the last exam? after lunch?..

then see how it goes and maybe take her tomorrow?

or just leave her at home till she is better? 

she is a very good student...


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Valanita said:


> Dear Auntie Lostbear, I have a problem with cuddly toys, particularly dogs & horses & teddy bears. I can't stop buying them & my house is overflowing with cuddly toys.
> My OH keeps on at me to remove them from the furniture. Have you any suggestions as to how I can stop this adiction.
> *An example of my problem..*..


I'm sorry - isn't everyone's house like this?

I think it is tour husband who has the problem - obviously he suffers from some type of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (or Compulseeve Disordeur Obbsesseeve, as the French call it - a much preferable name, in my view, because then the initial letters are all in alphabetical order, just the way they should be)

He is a very sick man. A very sick man indeed, and is sadly unaware of the fact, It is n the nature of these sufferers that they will do anything to avoid admitting that they have a problem, even to the extent of projecting their own illness onto those nearest and dearest to them. You are in great danger of becoming an "enabler" as we psychologists say. It is obvious to me that he has already begin to bully you into his erroneous way of thinking (my trained therapist's eye has noted that there are no toys on the arms of the chair, which obviously most normal households would have.)

He would be well advised to seek professional help (if you PM me, I will send you a copy of my fee list. VAT is not included). I hope that you can persuade him to at least discuss this with his doctor, otherwise there is little hope that he will be able to control his lunacy.


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

cheekyscrip said:


> Ok..you asked for it..
> 
> DD had an op on her femur..on Friday..They started SAts on Monday..she does not want to mis her exams!!
> but headteacher said if she cannot walk upstairs he rather she took it later and stayed hoem...she is in a bit of pain...but her form teacher suggested to go just for the exams?
> ...


I'm sorry, but if you are going to take this seriously there is very little that I can do to help.


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

cheekyscrip said:


> Ok..you asked for it..
> 
> DD had an op on her femur..on Friday..They started SAts on Monday..she does not want to mis her exams!!
> but headteacher said if she cannot walk upstairs he rather she took it later and stayed hoem...she is in a bit of pain...but her form teacher suggested to go just for the exams?
> ...


[ Really though, I can't see why they couldn't have made a downstairs room available for her, and provided an invigilator. I assume that the school isn't "wheelchair" friendly i.e. they don't have easy access to upper floors. They wouldn't get away with that here in blighty!

How long is it likely to be before she is able to stagger up the stairs to the exam room? How many exams does she have to take? How long will she have to wait to take the exams - because I imagine that she will have to have new papers prepared for her and everything, because the exam board can't risk her being told any of the questions by her friends - or do they expect her to be kept incommunicado? It's a real quandary - if she's in pain she won't be doing her best anyhow because she will be distracted, but at the same time she'll want them out of the way so she can stop revising and just enjoy the summer. I feel for her, but if the head doesn't want her there I can't see much you can do]


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## Valanita (Apr 13, 2010)

lostbear said:


> I'm sorry - isn't everyone's house like this?
> 
> I think it is tour husband who has the problem - obviously he suffers from some type of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (or Compulseeve Disordeur Obbsesseeve, as the French call it - a much preferable name, in my view, because then the initial letters are all in alphabetical order, just the way they should be)
> 
> ...


Thank you, I think, for the advice, but you don't know my OH.

In the end I did have to sell on a few of my toys.
But I have been buying more too.


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## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

Reading back through your excellent advice, I now find I possibly have another, fairly serious problem. Re-reading the description of gremlins, and given that my parents are responsible for breaking one of my few kitchen appliances, and that my supply of home made marmalade (not keen on most jam) is always reduced to a tiny scraping in the bottom of the jar after one of their visits, is it possible? Just possible, they could be..........

Surely not??


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## Mr Gizmo (Jul 1, 2009)

Valanita said:


> Dear Auntie Lostbear, I have a problem with cuddly toys, particularly dogs & horses & teddy bears. I can't stop buying them & my house is overflowing with cuddly toys.
> My OH keeps on at me to remove them from the furniture. Have you any suggestions as to how I can stop this adiction.
> *An example of my problem..*..


I'm curious. 
Whats in the bottle on the left ?
Strawberry liqueur maybe.


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## Valanita (Apr 13, 2010)

It's a fruit wine. Sadly it was undrinkable. Yuck!


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## Mulish (Feb 20, 2013)

Dear Auntie LB,

I have just discovered that my twin is evil and I'm not sure what to do. She's grown a goatee and bought a polar bear to ride around on and it's left me floundering. I don't want to move out of my volcanic lair, I've just finished decorating! 

How do I tell her that I'm happy being the evil one and she needs to stop this nonsense and go back to her job at Holland and Barrett? I don't want to fall out with her as the staff discount she gets on aloe vera is saving me a fortune.

Help, please?


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## cheekyscrip (Feb 8, 2010)

Val: tell your OH..if not the toys you will have areal baby (and they come with lot more toys!!!)... now it is very trendy to have late kids!!!(well into your sixties!!!Ha!)

SAts here for my dd as I will not send her to UK..well it is only one school for girls here..the other for boys..so regardless of SATs they must take her on!


and school is very pressed for space..I know!!!and teachers! so there fore they are not keen on doing anything...

shame as to the lifts...they should be installed..there are kids on wheelies in this school who must stay downstairs!!


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## koekemakranka (Aug 2, 2010)

Dear Auntie Lostbear
I am in need of urgent advice.

I found a tick on my bum and attempted to burn it off with a lighter. However, I had forgotten that I had eaten bean curry the night before and the ensuing explosion has damaged my OH's stack of Playboy magazines in the downstairs loo. He will be home in two hours. How do I fix this?


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## suewhite (Oct 31, 2009)

I dont know if you can advise on this one but I am a member of a Forum and we have a very nosey member on there who has called themselves Auntie! and has offered to help with peoples problems,do you think this person is just a nosey git or just trying to help us with our problems we would appreciate your advise.:001_unsure:


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## Valanita (Apr 13, 2010)

cheekyscrip said:


> *Val: tell your OH..if not the toys you will have areal baby (and they come with lot more toys!!!)... now it is very trendy to have late kids!!!(well into your sixties!*!!Ha!)
> 
> SAts here for my dd as I will not send her to UK..well it is only one school for girls here..the other for boys..so regardless of SATs they must take her on!
> 
> ...


Well into my 60's Eh! I am into my 70's.  
My baby days are over, cuddly toys do fill a niché though.


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## Rafa (Jun 18, 2012)

Dear Auntie Lostbear,

Things are worsening in the Sue versus Rosie debacle.

She became militant when I stripped her meerkat of all clothes, so she went outside and ate cat poop to sort me out.

Should I Alpha Roll her? If I do it at the top of the garden and roll her hard enough, she should make it to the bottom of the garden and crash off the steep end of the patio onto the paving and crack her head, (with any luck).

Will this get the message across to her that I'm Pack Leader around here?

Should I bleach my teeth like Cesar Millan and lie next to her food bowl, eating snacks, before I allow her to eat?

By the way, I think I'm going to breed a litter of pups from her, because I want to preserve her bloodlines, (even though I don't know what they are), and I think it will be a wonderful experience for my two Thirtyodd year old kids.


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> Reading back through your excellent advice, I now find I possibly have another, fairly serious problem. Re-reading the description of gremlins, and given that my parents are responsible for breaking one of my few kitchen appliances, and that my supply of home made marmalade (not keen on most jam) is always reduced to a tiny scraping in the bottom of the jar after one of their visits, is it possible? Just possible, they could be..........
> 
> Surely not??


How often do they take a bath or shower? And do more of them come out of the bathroom than went in?


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Mulish said:


> Dear Auntie LB,
> 
> I have just discovered that my twin is evil and I'm not sure what to do. She's grown a goatee and bought a polar bear to ride around on and it's left me floundering. I don't want to move out of my volcanic lair, I've just finished decorating!
> 
> ...


It is obvious what you should do - be even more evil than you have been! There is no need to grow a goatee - that is just shameless exhibitionism. The polar bear is a nice touch, though. Does it wear armour? However, like the goatee is just screams "attention-seeker". Look at the great persons of evil through the ages: did Hitler have a polar bear? (we won't even mention that silly little task); did Stalin ride around on anything other than the faces of the kulaks? where was Pol Pot's bear-steed? Of course, they were not evil in the same league - they were just thugs who happened to get the leadership of large gangs. I would imagine that you are going for world domination on a grand scale, and don't actually want to kill anybody (especially your sister with her aloe vera connections not to be sniffed at, indeed).

No - take a page from the books of the truly evil - Blofeld and his white cat; Margaret Thatcher and her pet Dennis; Felicity Kendall and her annoyingly botox-free girlish complexion (yeah - right . . .). All of these are understated and yet have a core of steel. They allow other people to think that butter wouldn't melt in their mouths (well, except for Margaret Thatcher) and yet still achieved their nefarious ends.

Let her think that she is the evil one; buy freeze-dried walrus strips for her polar bear; suggest appropriate conditioning products for her goatee - and continue to follow your own world-domination plans while she takes the attention away from what you are doing. They won't know what hit 'em!

Might I suggest you get in touch with Sleeping_Lion. She's got loads of cunning plans and it might be fun for the two of you to do a couple together.

(And a few pictures of your volcanic lair would be lovely - perhaps we could do a feature on Evil Geniuses (Genii?) and Their Pads, a la "Hello" magazine. Think about it. Let me know.)


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

koekemakranka said:


> Dear Auntie Lostbear
> I am in need of urgent advice.
> 
> I found a tick on my bum and attempted to burn it off with a lighter. However, I had forgotten that I had eaten bean curry the night before and the ensuing explosion has damaged my OH's stack of Playboy magazines in the downstairs loo. He will be home in two hours. How do I fix this?


Tell him his mother came round and needed to use the lavvy. To save his embarrassment, you put threw of his "Adult Magazines" out of the window and some passing Jehovah's Witnesses staggered off with them, white with shock.

Did you get the tick off?


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

suewhite said:


> I dont know if you can advise on this one but I am a member of a Forum and we have a very nosey member on there who has called themselves Auntie! and has offered to help with peoples problems,do you think this person is just a nosey git or just trying to help us with our problems we would appreciate your advise.:001_unsure:


I'm sure that she is as honest as the day is long and is working from the purest of motives. The fact that she will find out more about you than you know about yourself and can laugh herself senseless at your problems is just a perk of her self-appointed task.

People like you who sadly attribute the worst of motives to people like her ought to be ashamed of yourselves. Do you know how much of her time she is spending carrying the burden of your pain? Do you??? Do you?????

I don't, but I can guess because I , too, am a selfless and sacrificing person just like her, thinking only of others and asking nothing for myself. I think that you should apologise, and buy her lots of chocolate. Minty-flavoured. It is her favourite. Probably.

And some mint-flavoured Bailey's Irish Cream.

EDIT: A litre.


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sweety said:


> Dear Auntie Lostbear,
> 
> Things are worsening in the Sue versus Rosie debacle.
> 
> ...


By all means bleach your teeth, and alpha roll her. You will get what you deserve, and I hope for your sake that you are a member of BUPA. (I don't know what snack you attend to eat in front of her - your Sunday potato, perhaps?) As for you being pack leader - such thoughts regarding dog psychology are hopelessly out-dated, and she knows this as well as you do. She is in charge - think about it. Who prepares food for whom? (note the easy usage of correct grammar - possibly). Who cleans up? Who is struggling to assert themselves whilst the other is perfectly comfortable in her role as boss? Accept your subservient position - it'll be easier in the long run.

I think it is a brilliant idea to preserve her bloodline! Who knows when you might need a pack of uncontrollable meerkat-shredding jack russells to hand? You might find quite a few lines of your own blood around the house if you attempt any of your crackpo- er, - innovative - ideas. But I do think it's important that all children should experience the miracle of birth, and if your kids have got to thirty-something without having this deeply moving experience, it's about time that they suffered. If you decide not to breed your dog, why not get them infected with headline - they can then watch the joyous miracle of procreation over and over before they manage to eradicate the little bleeders.


----------



## Mulish (Feb 20, 2013)

lostbear said:


> It is obvious what you should do - be even more evil than you have been! There is no need to grow a goatee - that is just shameless exhibitionism. The polar bear is a nice touch, though. Does it wear armour? However, like the goatee is just screams "attention-seeker". Look at the great persons of evil through the ages: did Hitler have a polar bear? (we won't even mention that silly little task); did Stalin ride around on anything other than the faces of the kulaks? where was Pol Pot's bear-steed? Of course, they were not evil in the same league - they were just thugs who happened to get the leadership of large gangs. I would imagine that you are going for world domination on a grand scale, and don't actually want to kill anybody (especially your sister with her aloe vera connections not to be sniffed at, indeed).
> 
> No - take a page from the books of the truly evil - Blofeld and his white cat; Margaret Thatcher and her pet Dennis; Felicity Kendall and her annoyingly botox-free girlish complexion (yeah - right . . .). All of these are understated and yet have a core of steel. They allow other people to think that butter wouldn't melt in their mouths (well, except for Margaret Thatcher) and yet still achieved their nefarious ends.
> 
> ...


So you're saying I should get a cat


----------



## Rafa (Jun 18, 2012)

Mulish said:


> So you're saying I should get a cat


Surely your Sister's Polar Bear will eat the cat.

You could get a Test Cat and find out.

That would be the kindest thing to do.


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## Mulish (Feb 20, 2013)

Sweety said:


> Surely your Sister's Polar Bear will eat the cat.
> 
> You could get a Test Cat and find out.
> 
> That would be the kindest thing to do.


What's a Test Cat? Sounds expensive. Couldn't I have one of your communist puppies once they are born? Pups are small, like cats, so it's pretty much the same thing. Let me know the lowest price you'll go, I don't want to be spending too much if it's just going to end up eaten by the polar bear.


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## ForestWomble (May 2, 2013)

Mulish said:


> What's a Test Cat? Sounds expensive. Couldn't I have one of your communist puppies once they are born? Pups are small, like cats, so it's pretty much the same thing. Let me know the lowest price you'll go, I don't want to be spending too much if it's just going to end up eaten by the polar bear.


How about a rat or hamster? They do not cost much (about a tenner for a hamster from [email protected]) and are small, easier to get hold of then a kitten or puppy


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## Mulish (Feb 20, 2013)

Animallover26 said:


> How about a rat or hamster? They do not cost much (about a tenner for a hamster from [email protected]) and are small, easier to get hold of then a kitten or puppy


But wouldn't their small size pose a choking hazard for Gary (the polar bear)?

Also, here's a pic of my volcanic lair, as requested. I'm considering adding a conservatory. Might need the space if I'm going to be getting pets and/or stocking up on aloe vera whilst my sister still gets her discount.


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Mulish said:


> So you're saying I should get a cat


We do not advise - merely help to make all options clear.

But yes - a big one with a flat spiteful face. And pretend to be your sister's friend and then pull the rug from under her (figuratively speaking - or literally, possibly) by achieving world domination before she does - as she is wasting time frolicking with her bear and combing her goatee, that should not be hard.

Get as much aloe vera as you can, now, before you have to imprison her in your airless dungeon.


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## Rafa (Jun 18, 2012)

Mulish said:


> What's a Test Cat? Sounds expensive. Couldn't I have one of your communist puppies once they are born? Pups are small, like cats, so it's pretty much the same thing. Let me know the lowest price you'll go, I don't want to be spending too much if it's just going to end up eaten by the polar bear.


Yes, definitely you can have one of my Commie pups. How could I say no to such an excellent lair .... I mean home?

I'm sure we can arrange a fair price if Gary eats the pup, but don't blame me if the little Commie JRT beats Gary senseless.

It will have a very feisty Mother.


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Mulish said:


> But wouldn't their small size pose a choking hazard for Gary (the polar bear)?
> 
> Also, here's a pic of my volcanic lair, as requested. I'm considering adding a conservatory. Might need the space if I'm going to be getting pets and/or stocking up on aloe vera whilst my sister still gets her discount.


Very nice. Very nice indeed. What is your interior decor like? I have always wondered what colours and fabrics go best with magma.

I am a little concerned by the number of people who seem to consider kittens, puppies and small rodents as expendable as polar bear fodder. Your cat will be quite safe. It is the polar bear you will have to worry about. An animal that size, tossed into the air by a cat, will fall very heavily and may well break his nose, or tail, or a paw or something.

Just out of interest - that wouldn't be the same Gary the Polar Bear who used to start with Barry the Fox in the world's famous Fox's Glacier Mint adverts, is it? Started his career as the face of frothy Cresta?


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## foxiesummer (Feb 4, 2009)

Why do I keep reading your name as Auntie Lobster? It's ok I can take the truth.


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sweety said:


> Yes, definitely you can have one of my Commie pups. How could I say no to such an excellent lair .... I mean home?
> 
> I'm sure we can arrange a fair price if Gary eats the pup, but don't blame me if the little Commie JRT beats Gary senseless.
> 
> It will have a very feisty Mother.


Here, here, hold on a minute - this is a deeply thoughtful and sympathetic problem page, not a mini-mart for feisty furies. Get yourself onto farcebook if you want to do that.

For what it's worth, I think a JRT will knock seven bells out of a polar bear.


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## ForestWomble (May 2, 2013)

Dear Auntie Lostbear,

My plants are invading my home, how can escape the invasion?


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## Rafa (Jun 18, 2012)

lostbear said:


> Very nice. Very nice indeed. What is your interior decor like? I have always wondered what colours and fabrics go best with magma.
> 
> I am a little concerned by the number of people who seem to consider kittens, puppies and small rodents as expendable as polar bear fodder. Your cat will be quite safe. It is the polar bear you will have to worry about. An animal that size, tossed into the air by a cat, will fall very heavily and may well break his nose, or tail, or a paw or something.
> 
> Just out of interest - that wouldn't be the same Gary the Polar Bear who used to start with Barry the Fox in the world's famous Fox's Glacier Mint adverts, is it? Started his career as the face of frothy Cresta?


It is true that there is a real risk of personal injury to Gary.

However, I understand that there are lavish amounts of Aloe Vera in the lair to soothe any nasty cuts, abrasions or carpet burns.


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

foxiesummer said:


> Why do I keep reading your name as Auntie Lobster? It's ok I can take the truth.


That is my alter ego in the column I write for "Crustacean World".

Don't worry - your secret Mantis Shrimp passion is safe with me.


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Animallover26 said:


> Dear Auntie Lostbear,
> 
> My plants are invading my home, how can escape the invasion?


Move into the greenhouse, or re-home a locust.


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sweety said:


> It is true that there is a real risk of personal injury to Gary.
> 
> However, I understand that there are lavish amounts of Aloe Vera in the lair to soothe any nasty cuts, abrasions or carpet burns.


CARPET BURNS!!!!!!

Get off my thread you - you - you - person, you!


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## Rafa (Jun 18, 2012)

:


lostbear said:


> Her, her, hold on a minute - this is a deeply thoughtful and sympathetic problem page, not a mini-mart for feisty furies. Get yourself onto farcebook if you want to do that.
> 
> For what it's worth, I think a JRT will knock seven bells out of a polar bear.


----------



## cinnamontoast (Oct 24, 2010)

So glad I persuaded you to start this very important Agony Aunt service, Aunty _Lobster_ I think we're winning! Precisely what, I couldn't tell you, but I'd some some commission now please. NOW!


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

cinnamontoast said:


> So glad I persuaded you to start this very important Agony Aunt service, Aunty _Lobster_ I think we're winning! Precisely what, I couldn't tell you, but I'd some some commission now please. NOW!


When I get my minty chocolates and litre of minty Bailey's you are welcome to a sweetie OR a wee nip.

I quite like being Auntie Lobster.


----------



## Mulish (Feb 20, 2013)

lostbear said:


> We do not advise - merely help to make all options clear.
> 
> But yes - a big one with a flat spiteful face. And pretend to be your sister's friend and then pull the rug from under her (figuratively speaking - or literally, possibly) by achieving world domination before she does - as she is wasting time frolicking with her bear and combing her goatee, that should not be hard.
> 
> Get as much aloe vera as you can, now, before you have to imprison her in your airless dungeon.


So I need a cat AND a rug  This is getting a bit expensive. I hope the Commie pups are ready soon. Maybe I could do a Cruella De'Ville and buy them all: one to feed/test Gary and the rest to make my rug?



lostbear said:


> Very nice. Very nice indeed. What is your interior decor like? I have always wondered what colours and fabrics go best with magma.
> 
> I am a little concerned by the number of people who seem to consider kittens, puppies and small rodents as expendable as polar bear fodder. Your cat will be quite safe. It is the polar bear you will have to worry about. An animal that size, tossed into the air by a cat, will fall very heavily and may well break his nose, or tail, or a paw or something.
> 
> Just out of interest - that wouldn't be the same Gary the Polar Bear who used to start with Barry the Fox in the world's famous Fox's Glacier Mint adverts, is it? Started his career as the face of frothy Cresta?


My interior decor very much incorporates a 'Melting' theme. Lots of blues and greens all running off the walls and into steaming puddles on the floor. I've gone minimalist on the furniture front as I mostly just sit in the fridge.

Gary doesn't like to talk about his past life in advertising. He found the whole bright lights and fakery very depressing and when his marriage to Barry fell apart, he took some time to reevaluate his priorities. He decided he wanted to make a difference in this world and find a more worthy career. In fact, it was whilst he was applying for a sales assistant job at Holland and Barrett that my sister first met him.


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## Rafa (Jun 18, 2012)

Mulish said:


> So I need a cat AND a rug  This is getting a bit expensive. I hope the Commie pups are ready soon. Maybe I could do a Cruella De'Ville and buy them all: one to feed/test Gary and the rest to make my rug?
> 
> My interior decor very much incorporates a 'Melting' theme. Lots of blues and greens all running off the walls and into steaming puddles on the floor. I've gone minimalist on the furniture front as I mostly just sit in the fridge.
> 
> Gary doesn't like to talk about his past life in advertising. He found the whole bright lights and fakery very depressing and when his marriage to Barry fell apart, he took some time to reevaluate his priorities. He decided he wanted to make a difference in this world and find a more worthy career. In fact, it was whilst he was applying for a sales assistant job at Holland and Barrett that my sister first met him.


These things can't be rushed you know.

I have managed to source a nice Jack Russell boy in the park. He's very square in appearance and I have noticed a soupcon of a wolfish grin about him every now and then, so he'll do nicely. His Parents are called Ivan and Olga. Good credentials.

On the negative side, Rosie does have luxating patellas, but I'm sure she won't be tasteless enough to pass this on to the Commie pups. She has been well brought up. I drink tea from a china cup and saucer.

I'm so pleased that Gary has managed to reconnect with himself. Could he take up tennis as a diversion? Wimbledon is coming up and what with him being clothed entirely in white, he should fit in very well.

Black noses are allowed, I believe.


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## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

lostbear said:


> How often do they take a bath or shower? And do more of them come out of the bathroom than went in?


Bath, every night, and sometimes a shower throughout the day. They've not really multiplied in number, but increased dramatically in size over the years!


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Mulish said:


> ]So I need a cat AND a rug [/B] *This is getting a bit expensive.* I hope the Commie pups are ready soon. Maybe I could do a Cruella De'Ville and buy them all: one to feed/test Gary and the rest to make my rug?
> 
> Stop being so tight. You will own all of the world's mineral rights soon if you follow my advice, and yet still you whinge about thirty quid for a puppy in the pub.
> 
> ...


There's a lot of prejudice in the shallow showbiz world against cross-species same-sex marriages. It was the children I felt sorry for. And the mints.


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## Jonescat (Feb 5, 2012)

Dear Auntie Lostbear

Since I finished reading the book about the scent of beetroot I have become obsessed with growing it to tempt Mr Snuffles home. I am convinced that it is the only thing that will tempt him back after Fluffy's night with the ponies. However, I do not know what colour to grow - the book was imprecise in that regard. The neighbours keep telling me to lighten up - can you advise?


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sweety said:


> These things can't be rushed you know.
> 
> I have managed to source a nice Jack Russell boy in the park. He's very square in appearance and I have noticed a soupcon of a wolfish grin about him every now and then, so he'll do nicely. His Parents are called Ivan and Olga. Good credentials.
> 
> ...


That teacup could be incorporated into your breeding programme.


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## Mulish (Feb 20, 2013)

Sweety said:


> These things can't be rushed you know.
> 
> I have managed to source a nice Jack Russell boy in the park. He's very square in appearance and I have noticed a soupcon of a wolfish grin about him every now and then, so he'll do nicely. His Parents are called Ivan and Olga. Good credentials.
> 
> ...


I'm not worried about the luxating patellas as the ones for the rug will only need to lay still and flat so it won't be a strain on their knees at all. Still, I hope you have compared the market thoroughly before deciding on the dad.

I'll suggest tennis to Gary, could be a good diversion to slow down my sister's evil plans. He'll need a partner after all. Wimbledon might allow black noses but how do they feel about evil goatee beards? She'll not shave it off, stubborn mare.


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Jonescat said:


> Dear Auntie Lostbear
> 
> Since I finished reading the book about the scent of beetroot I have become obsessed with growing it to tempt Mr Snuffles home. I am convinced that it is the only thing that will tempt him back after Fluffy's night with the ponies. However, I do not know what colour to grow - the book was imprecise in that regard. *The neighbours keep telling me to lighten up - can you advise?*




Obviously they favour the lighter white beetroot as opposed to the deeper, darker PURPLE (there is a whole thread on this, as you may know). I am not much of a gardener - I would follow their advice.


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Mulish said:


> I'm not worried about the luxating patellas as the ones for the rug will only need to lay still and flat so it won't be a strain on their knees at all. Still, I hope you have compared the market thoroughly before deciding on the dad.
> 
> I'll suggest tennis to Gary, could be a good diversion to slow down my sister's evil plans. He'll need a partner after all. Wimbledon might allow black noses but how do they feel about evil goatee beards? *She'll not shave it off, stubborn mare.*




Mulish! You aren't - _jealous_ are you?


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## Mulish (Feb 20, 2013)

lostbear said:


> [/B]
> 
> Mulish! You aren't - _jealous_ are you?


Pfft, as if! My goatee is much fuller and shinier than hers will ever be. AND I've not cheated by padding it out with polar bear fluff!

I mean it's true, she was always the favourite growing up and her bedtime stories lasted 58.7 seconds longer than mine but I'm completely over that blatantly unfair act of parental treachery by now.

Obviously!

Duh!


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## cinnamontoast (Oct 24, 2010)

lostbear said:


> That teacup could be incorporated into your breeding programme.


I think this one is best. It is _square_ which is clearly superior and also reflects the shape of the glacier mints preferred by most polar bears :yesnod:


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## Mulish (Feb 20, 2013)

cinnamontoast said:


> I think this one is best. It is _square_ which is clearly superior and also reflects the shape of the glacier mints preferred by most polar bears :yesnod:


Also, if you spin it around fast enough, it'll hypnotise you!


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## cinnamontoast (Oct 24, 2010)

Press your buttons and gamble away. That is all.


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## Rafa (Jun 18, 2012)

I don't see the goatee as a problem.

Fabio Fognini, who sees himself as the Italian God's Gift to Tennis, but whom everyone else sees as a jumped up little Gobshite, has one, and nobody seems to have noticed.

I think they may have been diverted by his strutting round the court, swearing, spitting and abusing umpires.


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Mulish said:


> Pfft, as if! My goatee is much fuller and shinier than hers will ever be. AND I've not cheated by padding it out with polar bear fluff!
> 
> I mean it's true, she was always the favourite growing up and her bedtime stories lasted 58.7 seconds longer than mine but I'm completely over that blatantly unfair act of parental treachery by now.
> 
> ...


I know just where you're coming from. My younger sister got everything and I was like Cinderella - I counted the beans on her toast once, and she had three more than me. This blatant favouritism started when she was born (waking me up!) and still continues to this day. But you know, I hardly notice it - don't even remember it, in fact - wouldn't have even mentioned it had it not been for your obvious psychic pain which brought a couple of repressed memories back.

And she's just like your sister - a cheating envious little toerag who has to try to take everything that I have ever achieved away from me, and who richly deserves to get a good kicking from karma and it can't come soon enough for me, I can tell you!

Oh - er - sorry about that. Don't know what came over me for a moment there. Love her really, the precious. Little. Tyke. (*grits teeth and clenches and unclenches fists*) Anyway. I would scatter fleas in the polar bear fluff she's padding her goatee with. They're awful if they get up your nose, I understand.


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Mulish said:


> Also, if you spin it around fast enough, it'll hypnotise you!


I thought at first that was what it was for . . .


----------



## cinnamontoast (Oct 24, 2010)

This thread is becoming distinctly surreal! I detect notes of beet root, anteater and possibly vague amounts of vanilla, but that's just by the by.


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## Rosie64 (Feb 27, 2014)

Please HELP Auntie Lostbear 
I am addicted to a site on the internet called PF I think it is about animals everyone that goes on it is always asking questions and telling me about their lovely pets I don't know what to do I don't seem to be able to stay off it because they all seem to be very nice people


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sweety said:


> I don't see the goatee as a problem.
> 
> Fabio Fognini, who sees himself as the Italian God's Gift to Tennis, but whom everyone else sees as a jumped up little Gobshite, has one, and nobody seems to have noticed.
> 
> I think they may have been diverted by his strutting round the court, swearing, spitting and abusing umpires.


That's what I love about sport - the way it rises above the spite and vindictiveness of everyday life.


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## Rafa (Jun 18, 2012)

Mulish said:


> Pfft, as if! My goatee is much fuller and shinier than hers will ever be. AND I've not cheated by padding it out with polar bear fluff!
> 
> I mean it's true, she was always the favourite growing up and her bedtime stories lasted 58.7 seconds longer than mine but I'm completely over that blatantly unfair act of parental treachery by now.
> 
> ...


Can you not pay a clandestine visit to her bedroom and apply a good smearing of Veet to her chin?

Whilst she's asleep of course and not wielding a knife or pick axe handle.


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Rosie64 said:


> Please HELP Auntie Lostbear
> I am addicted to a site on the internet called PF I think it is about animals everyone that goes on it is always asking questions and telling me about their lovely pets I don't know what to do I don't seem to be able to stay off it because* they all seem to be very nice people*


We're not - run like the wind - there is evil incarnate here!

(Unless of course, you are talking about Poodles Forever, our sister forum. They are a lovely bunch on their - you will not find better.)


----------



## Jonescat (Feb 5, 2012)

I never expected that the neighbours would be talking literally when they said lighten up - catches me every time when people do that! Shouldn't be allowed really.


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sweety said:


> Can you not pay a clandestine visit to her bedroom and apply a good smearing of Veet to her chin?
> 
> Whilst she's asleep of course and not wielding a knife or pick axe handle.


This a a superb idea - industrial strength depilatory cream! Sweety, you are a genius.

Oh - hang on - I'm supposed to be totally unbiased and certainly not advocating anything harmful or illegal. I forgot.

Mulish - I forbid you to do any such thing - why it's cruel and immoral, and the polar bear might get hurt if he is attracted by the smell (which I understand is similar to decaying narwhal) and licks her chin (doubtless he sleeps on the end of her bed). No, I cannot countenance such perfidy. Shave little circular patches in it instead. People will think she has ringworm and she will lose her army of evil minions.


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Jonescat said:


> I never expected that the neighbours would be talking literally when they said lighten up - catches me every time when people do that! Shouldn't be allowed really.


I agree. If we all go round saying what we mean, and meaning what we say, where the hell will that leave our politicians?


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## Ceiling Kitty (Mar 7, 2010)

Auntie lostbear,

I went down a slide on my front last week and gave myself some kind of ilial osteoplasty... or, I took the skin off my left hipbone.

It bloody stings. How can I stop this happening again in the future? I'd better point out that I have no intention of quitting slides.


----------



## cinnamontoast (Oct 24, 2010)

Rosie64 said:


> Please HELP Auntie Lostbear
> I am addicted to a site on the internet called PF I think it is about animals everyone that goes on it is always asking questions and telling me about their lovely pets I don't know what to do I don't seem to be able to stay off it because they all seem to be very nice people


*Whispers* Run, I tell you, run, while there's still time!


----------



## Rafa (Jun 18, 2012)

Shoshannah said:


> Auntie lostbear,
> 
> I went down a slide on my front last week and gave myself some kind of ilial osteoplasty... or, I took the skin off my left hipbone.
> 
> It bloody stings. How can I stop this happening again in the future? I'd better point out that I have no intention of quitting slides.


Auntie Lobster will be along with sterling advice soon, I'm sure.

If it were me though, I would go down the slide again, aiming to take the skin off my right hipbone.

Bilateral pain is good for focusing the mind I find.


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Shoshannah said:


> Auntie lostbear,
> 
> I went down a slide on my front last week and gave myself some kind of ilial osteoplasty... or, I took the skin off my left hipbone.
> 
> It bloody stings. How can I stop this happening again in the future? I'd better point out that I have no intention of quitting slides.


As you seem hellbent on self-destruction, all that I suggest is that you either

1) eat more, thus padding your @rse with a protective layer of adipose tissue (you will still risk taking the skin off, as that is the bit on the top, but at least the nurses can say "serves her right - fat ****" - they get so little to lighten the mood in NHS hospitals, it will be doing them a service)
or
2) wear chain mail. This will also give a very satisfying clinking sound as you speed down the slide.

Meanwhile, perhaps you could ask your mother to kiss it better. Mams are good at that.


----------



## Jonescat (Feb 5, 2012)

Why were you not saved by merely wearing through your jeans? Were you on a slide in your underwear?


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sweety said:


> Auntie Lobster will be along with sterling advice soon, I'm sure.
> 
> If it were me though, I would go down the slide again, aiming to take the skin off my right hipbone.
> 
> Bilateral pain is good for focusing the mind I find.


Are you after my job, or something?


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Jonescat said:


> Why were you not saved by merely wearing through your jeans? Were you on a slide in your underwear?


People are entitled to wear as much or as little clothing as they wish in play equipment - don't be judgemental.

But now that you mention it . . .


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

It is bedtime again and time for me to go peepy-bobos. I don't know, it seems as though it was only twenty-four hours ago that I last went to sleep. I will see you all in the morning. Don't do anything stupid, unless you are prepared to take a video of it and privately message it too me. I could do with cheering up. Listening to everyone else's misery is making me right gloomy . . .


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## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

I'm still waiting for a firm answer as to whether my parents are actually humungous gremlins, or just pains up the proverbial who manage to eat me out of house and home and break electrical appliances. Or even if they are both the same things


----------



## Ceiling Kitty (Mar 7, 2010)

Ha ha ha, you see - this time I made sure I did NOT have tea in my mouth when I read these posts. *smug* :hand:

To put an end to speculation and protect my good name, I must say that I was wearing jeans, but the process of going down a slide on my front sort of pulled them down a bit, thus exposing my hipbones but not far enough to expose anything further. Luckily for everyone else.


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## Rafa (Jun 18, 2012)

lostbear said:


> Are you after my job, or something?


Sorry Auntie Lobster.

I got a little carried away. I was listening to Queen - Don't Stop Me Now at the time and can only blame my prehistoric behaviour on Freddy Mercury.


----------



## cinnamontoast (Oct 24, 2010)

Shoshannah said:


> Auntie lostbear,
> 
> I went down a slide on my front last week and gave myself some kind of ilial osteoplasty... or, I took the skin off my left hipbone.
> 
> It bloody stings. How can I stop this happening again in the future? I'd better point out that I have no intention of quitting slides.


I have a fair bit of Allevyn left over. It's pink, you know. Would you like some padding on that scrape? I successfully bandaged the plasterer who poured boiling coffee on his arm the other week using it  It's very absorbent. Alternatively, I have vet wrap in quite a stunning variety of colours plus duct tape for extra stickiness, gamgee and nappies for hoofs-I mean feet etc


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## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

Shoshannah said:


> Ha ha ha, you see - this time I made sure I did NOT have tea in my mouth when I read these posts. *smug* :hand:
> 
> To put an end to speculation and protect my good name, I must say that I was wearing jeans, but the process of going down a slide on my front sort of pulled them down a bit, thus exposing my hipbones but not far enough to expose anything further. Luckily for everyone else.


Maybe wearing a onsie whilst playing on playground equipment would prevent chaffing?


----------



## cinnamontoast (Oct 24, 2010)

lostbear said:


> As you seem hellbent on self-destruction, all that I suggest is that you either
> 
> 1) eat more, thus padding your @rse with a protective layer of adipose tissue (you will still risk taking the skin off, as that is the bit on the top, but at least the nurses can say "serves her right - fat ****" - they get so little to lighten the mood in NHS hospitals, it will be doing them a service)
> or
> ...


As the plastics nurse put it: 'Good job you had a bit of meat on you or your bones would be powder' after the accident. I think she was trying to say I'm fat!


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## Ceiling Kitty (Mar 7, 2010)

Maybe...

The downside is that it would involve wearing a onesie. :lol:


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## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

Shoshannah said:


> Maybe...
> 
> The downside is that it would involve wearing a onesie. :lol:


If my next door neighbour in her mid 50's can do it to hang out the washing, I'm sure you can


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## Ceiling Kitty (Mar 7, 2010)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> If my next door neighbour in her mid 50's can do it to hang out the washing, I'm sure you can


Oooh I don't know if I'm ready to join the 21st century yet... my car, TV and phone were all made in the 1990s, so it stands to reason I should choose good old-fashioned clothes too. :lol:


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## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

Shoshannah said:


> Oooh I don't know if I'm ready to join the 21st century yet... my car, TV and phone were all made in the 1990s, so it stands to reason I should choose good old-fashioned clothes too. :lol:


You could get a camouflage one, no-one would ever see you then; the downside is, you may get bumped into and trodden on a few times.


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## Ceiling Kitty (Mar 7, 2010)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> You could get a camouflage one, no-one would ever see you then; the downside is, you may get bumped into and trodden on a few times.


This is true, and I guess that would kind of cancel out any advantage the onesie would have in preventing slideburn.


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## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

Shoshannah said:


> This is true, and I guess that would kind of cancel out any advantage the onesie would have in preventing slideburn.


It would still prevent slideburn, however, you may have to share the slide, as no-one else will see you on there.


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## Rafa (Jun 18, 2012)

If you must go down the slide on your front and won't wear a onesie, for the Love of God, at least be sure you have a good bikini wax first.


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## Ceiling Kitty (Mar 7, 2010)

Sweety said:


> If you must go down the slide on your front and won't wear a onesie, for the Love of God, at least be sure you have a good bikini wax first.


Hey, I was wearing skinny jeans, they weren't going anywhere.


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## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

Shoshannah said:


> Hey, I was wearing skinny jeans, they weren't going anywhere.


Except down over your hip bones, just be thankful it wasn't a helter skelter, your knees could have ended up skinned by the bottom, not to mention other areas, and the visual scarring of those waiting at the bottom!!


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## Ceiling Kitty (Mar 7, 2010)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> Except down over your hip bones, just be thankful it wasn't a helter skelter, your knees could have ended up skinned by the bottom, not to mention other areas, and the visual scarring of those waiting at the bottom!!


Well, I'm looking now and I think my hipbones are just visible above the waistline of those jeans. I know they wouldn't slide down because they're a right pain to pull down when I need a wee. :lol:


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## Roger Downes (Sep 17, 2013)

Dear Lostbear, we are all so humbled by your selfless act of becoming Pet Forums own Agony Aunt. I hope this is just the start of a great career for you, and you will follow in the revered footsteps of greats like Claire Rayner and even the incomparable Marjorie Proops.
Shamefully I have as of late being having dreams, or more accurately, nightmares about the young lady who won the Eurovision Song Contest, the one that sports a beard.
As this is a Forum for all ages, I can not divulge the exact contents of this repeating nightmare, and of course, one has to be politically correct these days. But is there any advice you can give me, to rid me of this horrendous vision I keep seeing in my sleep?


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## ozrex (Aug 30, 2011)

Dear Auntie Lostbear,

I won't sign this in case I've committed an atrocity... it involves an anteater... I need urgent advice but I'm trying to evade the RSPCA (Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Anteaters; as you know).

Eddie the echidna poked his nose out from under the step of OH's house. OH is very fond of Eddie. Eddie lives under the house. I failed to see him and accidently booted his nose. He ran away... _backwards_.

I forgot about him and err, Oh Heavens this is hard...., errrrr I stepped on some spikes in the kitchen and thought they were risen nails and hammered them flat.

We haven't seen Eddie since. Should I 
a) lift the floorboards and check to see if he's attached, which will involve an explaination to OH about the hole in the floor as well as Eddie
b) throw away the hammer and deny everything
c) emigrate

Anon.


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## northnsouth (Nov 17, 2009)

Shoshannah said:


> Well, I'm looking now and I think my hipbones are just visible above the waistline of those jeans. I know they wouldn't slide down because they're a right pain to pull down when I need a wee. :lol:


Hip bones.... please explain what the hell are hip bones.:confused5:


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## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

Shoshannah said:


> Well, I'm looking now and I think my hipbones are just visible above the waistline of those jeans. I know they wouldn't slide down because they're a right pain to pull down when I need a wee. :lol:


Bad hips and a case of urinary incontinence, I'm not sure if there's any hope!


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> I'm still waiting for a firm answer as to whether my parents are actually humungous gremlins, or just pains up the proverbial who manage to eat me out of house and home and break electrical appliances. Or even if they are both the same things


Oh, for heaven's sake!

I don't think that your parents are gremlins otherwise there would be more of them by now, given their proclivity for daily showers.

On the other hand, they have produced you, which suggests something awry in their combined genetic make-up. Possibly a recessive gremlin gene causes the excessive eating and Luddism. Or maybe they are just greedy and clumsy. Who knows? Knowing you, I have my own opinion.


----------



## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

lostbear said:


> Oh, for heaven's sake!
> 
> I don't think that your parents are gremlins otherwise there would be more of them by now, given their proclivity for daily showers.
> 
> *On the other hand, they have produced you*, which suggests something awry in their combined genetic make-up. Possibly a recessive gremlin gene causes the excessive eating and Luddism. Or maybe they are just greedy and clumsy. Who knows? Knowing you, I have my own opinion.


Actually, I was found under the gooseberry bush, which possibly explains a lot in life!


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sweety said:


> Sorry Auntie Lobster.
> 
> I got a little carried away. I was listening to Queen - Don't Stop Me Now at the time and can only blame my prehistoric behaviour on Freddy Mercury.


Not at all. I could use an apprentice to carry on the good work when I;m gone, be the recipient of my wisdom and experience and to make the tea.


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Shoshannah said:


> Ha ha ha, you see - this time I made sure I did NOT have tea in my mouth when I read these posts. *smug* :hand:
> 
> To put an end to speculation and protect my good name, I must say that I was wearing jeans, but the process of going down a slide on my front sort of pulled them down a bit, thus exposing my hipbones but not far enough to expose anything further. Luckily for everyone else.


Thank heavens for that = at least you have some consideration for other people. Though I am disturbed that actual bones are near the surface, Mosr of us haven't seen a bone (our own, anyway) for decades.

I suspect you may be suffering from anorexia. I am a martyr to it myself, and eat constantly in a valiant attempt to defeat it. Alas - in spite of all of my efforts, every time I look in the mirror, I still see a fat person.

But enough about me . . .


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> Maybe wearing a onsie whilst playing on playground equipment would prevent chaffing?


I am legally responsible for any advice given here - stop trying to get me into trouble by having funnier ideas that the ones I could come up with.


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

cinnamontoast said:


> As the plastics nurse put it: 'Good job you had a bit of meat on you or your bones would be powder' after the accident. I think she was trying to say I'm fat!


I prefer to think of it as Rubenesque.


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> Except down over your hip bones, just be thankful it wasn't a helter skelter, your knees could have ended up skinned by the bottom, not to mention other areas, and the visual scarring of those waiting at the bottom!!


Not often that I agree with a semi-gremlin, but I have to agree that public safety is paramount. Have you thought of going down the slide in a Zorb? This would allow you to wear anything you want (within reason - they are transparent) and roll down any which way up.

Alternatively, perhaps you should grow up and leave the fun stuff to the kids.


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Shoshannah said:


> Well, I'm looking now and I think my hipbones are just visible above the waistline of those jeans. I know they wouldn't slide down because they're a right pain to pull down when I need a wee. :lol:


However, the Laws of Physics as they apply to Public Embarrassment say that the tighter an item of clothing is, and the harder it is to remove to answer a call of nature, then the more likely it is to fall off when you don't want it too.

There is a formula:

NS(T +as(L)) = pH(2en)

where
N = number people watching
S = number of sexy people you want to impress with your charm and suavity
T = tightness of clothing
as = awkward struggling
L = lavvy
pH = public Humiliation
en = embarrassing nakedness

The "en" should have been squared, but this silly forum doesn't accept superscript text.

The likelihood of avoiding humiliation and embarrassment is the cube root of whether you are wearing your best knockers, or that big beige pair with a hole in them that were the only clean ones you could find.

Science never lies, even if Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens do (or did, in Hitchen's case) so be warned!


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Roger Downes said:


> Dear Lostbear, we are all so humbled by your selfless act of becoming Pet Forums own Agony Aunt. I hope this is just the start of a great career for you, and you will follow in the revered footsteps of greats like Claire Rayner and even the incomparable Marjorie Proops.
> Shamefully I have as of late being having dreams, or more accurately, nightmares about the young lady who won the Eurovision Song Contest, the one that sports a beard.
> As this is a Forum for all ages, I can not divulge the exact contents of this repeating nightmare, and of course, one has to be politically correct these days. But is there any advice you can give me, to rid me of this horrendous vision I keep seeing in my sleep?


Firstly, thank you for your generous praise. It would be churlish of me to deny it so I will accept for adulation with grace, particularly as it is well deserved.

Regarding your nightmares - thank you for not going into detail on the public forum. We don't need anything like that, thank you - we've all seen "The Crying Game". However, with our hearing the full grisly horror of your dreams I can give only very general advice (perhaps you would like to PM me the detail later - don't be embarrassed; I am a professional - there will be nothing I haven't heard before; it is totally academic to me. Make sure you put in every detail no matter how embarrassing or painful - in fact, those are usually the most important bits. Send me the message later tonight, about 8.00 when I will have a chance to sit down with a cup of tea and some biscuits and devote my full attention to it. It is NOT because I regard it as a free form of evening entertainment. I am hurt that anyone could even think of such a thing.)

Generally speaking I suggest a cold bath, a hot drink and a teddy bear at bed time. Failing that, if Mrs Roger is reluctant to grow a neat beard (or shave hers off - without details, we cannot be sure what disturbs you about this charming young lady), Sleeping_Lion has been boasting about her luxurious facial hair, and you may wish to send a PM. Though obviously I would need to be copied in to any e-conversation you may have, and all the details of what transpires from it. For - er - medical reasons.

Good luck with your fluffy fantasies!


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Shoshannah said:


> Well, I'm looking now and I think my hipbones are just visible above the waistline of those jeans. I know they wouldn't slide down because they're a right pain to pull down when I need a wee. :lol:


You have a WAIST?


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

ozrex said:


> Dear Auntie Lostbear,
> 
> I won't sign this in case I've committed an atrocity... it involves an anteater... I need urgent advice but I'm trying to evade the RSPCA (Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Anteaters; as you know).
> 
> ...


I suggest that you cut careful around the area of hammered-flat spikes, lift the board, and have a look at what is underneath. The likelihood is that if it is Eddie, he is still alive but seething with the type of incandescent rage which only an anteater can display. Beware of his sticky tongue shooting out to throttle you.

He will be hungry, so if you have some ants or a couple of cornets handy to distract him while you saw through his spikes to release him, you will probably be safe.

Has your OH not missed his spiney chum? I am surprised that he hasn't been under the floorboard with a bag of beetles to try to tempt him out. Tell me, Anon (What a pretty name. Is is foreign?), was there just a teeny-tiny bit of jealousy involved here regarding your OH's affection for this little spiky chap? Be honest now. "Accidentally" booted his nose? Thought a patch of 30,000 spikes was "risen nails". I think you need to face up to some hard facts about yourself, my dear. And they're not pretty.

It could be, of course, that as this is the springtime when a young echidna's fancy turns to thoughts of prickly love, that he is actually a she, and has laid eggs somewhere (check the airing cupboard). They look like ping-pong balls, and are sort of rubbery (that was the best description I could get from my contact at Edinburgh zoo). Under no circumstances play ping pong with them, to they will be scrambled and heaven only knows what the hatchlings will be like.

If the worst comes to the worst, and Eddie is no more, then may I suggest that your next pet from the Anteater Rescue is a pangolin?


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## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

lostbear said:


> Firstly, thank you for your generous praise. It would be churlish of me to deny it so I will accept for adulation with grace, particularly as it is well deserved.
> 
> Regarding your nightmares - thank you for not going into detail on the public forum. We don't need anything like that, thank you - we've all seen "The Crying Game". However, with our hearing the full grisly horror of your dreams I can give only very general advice (perhaps you would like to PM me the detail later - don't be embarrassed; I am a professional - there will be nothing I haven't heard before; it is totally academic to me. Make sure you put in every detail no matter how embarrassing or painful - in fact, those are usually the most important bits. Send me the message later tonight, about 8.00 when I will have a chance to sit down with a cup of tea and some biscuits and devote my full attention to it. It is NOT because I regard it as a free form of evening entertainment. I am hurt that anyone could even think of such a thing.)
> 
> ...


That wasn't me! I may have misplaced my marbles (damn Scottish wee pee men thingamybobs) but I would know if a beard suddenly appeared when other things are disappearing! :001_huh:

On the other hand, with the arrangements going ahead for a weekend party to rid myself of the said marble thieving intruders, I'm sure if anyone wanted some new nightmares, I mean dream material, they would be more than welcome to join in with the dancing girls. A tight squish I would estimate, but possibly worth it.

Edited to add, I'm sure we will be singing rousing choruses of tight fit's number one hit throughout the evening.


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

northnsouth said:


> Hip bones.... please explain what the hell are hip bones.:confused5:


Quite. Some people just assume that if they know what something is, then everyone does, but it doesn't follow.

As a medically trained person I can tell you that hipbones are the bits of your skeleton that, LIKE THE REST OF YOUR BONES should be safely HIDDEN. under the softer bits of your anatomy. That is why nature gave us wobbly parts - to protect the hard crunchy bits.

If you damage a SOFT BIT you go "OW!" and rub it. Sometimes it goes a funny colour, but then it gets better, usually on its own.

If you damage a HARD CRUNCHY BIT, your go "AAAaaaaaaaargh, ohjesusgodalmightythathurtsbuggerbuggerbuggermakeitistopitseffingkillingmeholymaryjesusandjoseph" etc. This noise can last a long time - often days. You wouldn't dare rub it because it makes you scream even more. There may be a white spiky thing sticking out of your arm or leg, or into your lung or spleen or something. You need hospitals, anaesthetics, splints, casts (often of thousands) and felt-tip pens (to write on the casts). Do not EVER let it heal on its own as it will give extra corners on your arms/legs.wherever and you will have a hell of a time getting clothiers that fit. Sensible people make sure that these white hard bits of the body, or BONES, as doctors call the, are hidden under lots of mayors of the fleshy squashy stuff.

You owe it to yourself and the NHS to be sensible.


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> Actually, I was found under the gooseberry bush, which possibly explains a lot in life!


Oh! Was your dad the guy I saw down the allotments with a flamethrower and a bag of Agent Orange, clearing the ground?


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> That wasn't me! I may have misplaced my marbles (damn Scottish wee pee men thingamybobs) but I would know if a beard suddenly appeared when other things are disappearing! :001_huh:
> 
> On the other hand, with the arrangements going ahead for a weekend party to rid myself of the said marble thieving intruders, I'm sure if anyone wanted some new nightmares, I mean dream material, they would be more than welcome to join in with the dancing girls. A tight squish I would estimate, but possibly worth it.
> 
> Edited to add, I'm sure we will be singing rousing choruses of tight fit's number one hit throughout the evening.


Sorry - I meant Mulish.

But if you and Roger do get together, I expect an invitation to the celebrations. ANd can I use the pair of you in my publicity pics - nothing draws in the posters like young - er, - like love.


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## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

lostbear said:


> Oh! Was your dad the guy I saw down the allotments with a flamethrower and a bag of Agent Orange, clearing the ground?


Yes  and that was before they finally relented and took me in.


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

lostbear said:


> Quite. Some people just assume that if they know what something is, then everyone does, but it doesn't follow.
> 
> As a medically trained person I can tell you that hipbones are the bits of your skeleton that, LIKE THE REST OF YOUR BONES should be safely HIDDEN. under the softer bits of your anatomy. That is why nature gave us wobbly parts - to protect the hard crunchy bits.
> 
> ...


LAYERS that should be LAYERS.

Sodding autobloodycorrect


----------



## Mulish (Feb 20, 2013)

lostbear said:


> This a a superb idea - industrial strength depilatory cream! Sweety, you are a genius.
> 
> Oh - hang on - I'm supposed to be totally unbiased and certainly not advocating anything harmful or illegal. I forgot.
> 
> Mulish - I forbid you to do any such thing - why it's cruel and immoral, and the polar bear might get hurt if he is attracted by the smell (which I understand is similar to decaying narwhal) and licks her chin (doubtless he sleeps on the end of her bed). No, I cannot countenance such perfidy. *Shave little circular patches in it instead. People will think she has ringworm and she will lose her army of evil minions.*


Seems like a bit too much work to me. Can't I just give her ringworm? Or bubonic plague? Or smallpox? I've got jars of all sorts of goodies in my pantry. Well, assuming hubby hasn't spread them on his toast again. I've told him countless times that he needs to make breakfast with his eyes open, but does he listen? I'm pretty sure that's where half my aloe vera disappears to 

Also, stop giving my facial hair to SL. Bad enough my sister's trying to steal it, I don't need gremlin halflings trying to muscle in on my turf, too


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Mulish said:


> Seems like a bit too much work to me. * Can't I just give her ringworm? Or bubonic plague? Or smallpox? * I've got jars of all sorts of goodies in my pantry. Well, assuming hubby hasn't spread them on his toast again. I've told him countless times that he needs to make breakfast with his eyes open, but does he listen? I'm pretty sure that's where half my aloe vera disappears to
> 
> Also, stop giving my facial hair to SL. Bad enough my sister's trying to steal it, I don't need gremlin halflings trying to muscle in on my turf, too


I don't see why not. There isn't a law against it. I expect.


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

lostbear said:


> However, the Laws of Physics as they apply to Public Embarrassment say that the tighter an item of clothing is, and the harder it is to remove to answer a call of nature, then the more likely it is to fall off when you don't want it too.
> 
> There is a formula:
> 
> ...


EDIT COMMENT: Omygawd! KNICKERS!!!!! Best KNICKERS!!!!!

How do you turn this bliddy thing off?


----------



## feathered bird lover (May 23, 2011)

just to say thanks this did make me laugh, from a chocoholic, oh, any help on me cutting this addiction down


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## Rafa (Jun 18, 2012)

lostbear said:


> EDIT COMMENT: Omygawd! KNICKERS!!!!! Best KNICKERS!!!!!
> 
> How do you turn this bliddy thing off?


I'm afraid I only possess one pair of knockers.

Am saving hard for a spare pair and hoping to source a bargain on Amazon when the time comes.

(I believe you can select your own nipples from their new and unparalleled range).


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## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

Another one with just the one pair of knockers, I'm not saving up for any more, I've got enough on with the current pair that seem to have a mind of their own!


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## Mulish (Feb 20, 2013)

lostbear said:


> I don't see why not. There isn't a law against it. I expect.


I just Googled and couldn't find anything that specifically said not to. At least not in the first 3 results, I couldn't be bothered to scroll further than that. I'll just assume it's fine and crack on.

I also only have one pair of knockers but they are pretty big and have spent the afternoon trying to escape from my top. I hope this isn't a sign of burgeoning autonomy on their part. Honestly, I've got enough on my plate without my body parts deciding to think for themselves.


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

feathered bird lover said:


> just to say thanks this did make me laugh, from a chocoholic, oh, any help on me cutting this addiction down


There is no known cure for chocoholism. But why would you want one? Remember chocolate contains iron, and is good for your blood. In addition, chocolate comes from cocoa beans. Beans, as you will be aware, are vegetables. This means that chocolate counts as salad.

When dieticians tell you "put a rainbow on your plate" they are obviously talking about the gentle muted shades of plain, milk and white chocolate - look there are three of your five a day there already. Who said keeping healthy was hard?

Stop being so hard on yourself - just get stuck in and enjoy a healthy helping of galaxy ripples, or better still, Fry's Chocolate cream - the minty freshness of - er - mint, with the delicious chocolateyness of - ahem - chocolate. Lovely!


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sweety said:


> I'm afraid I only possess one pair of knockers.
> 
> Am saving hard for a spare pair and hoping to source a bargain on Amazon when the time comes.
> 
> (I believe you can select your own nipples from their new and unparalleled range).


Do not forget that gentlemen frequent these pages. We do not want to be responsible for anyone's "dicky ticker" giving them trouble (and yes - I did take extra care tying "dicky ticker:, after the way the autocorrect has been interpreting my limpid prose lately.)

Men are only human, I believe, and the thought of a set of Sunday knockers, possibly with a range of interchangeable nipples for every occasion, may affect some of the poor chaps badly.


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> Another one with just the one pair of knockers, I'm not saving up for any more, I've got enough on with *the current pair that seem to have a mind of their own*!


You DEFINiTELY have gremlin blood in you somewhere . . .


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Mulish said:


> I just Googled and couldn't find anything that specifically said not to. At least not in the first 3 results, I couldn't be bothered to scroll further than that. I'll just assume it's fine and crack on.
> 
> I also only have one pair of knockers but they are pretty big and have spent the afternoon trying to escape from my top. I hope this isn't a sign of burgeoning autonomy on their part. *Honestly, I've got enough on my plate without my body parts deciding to think for themselves*.


Quite right - you might as well be a bloke if that sort of thing is going to happen.


----------



## Rafa (Jun 18, 2012)

lostbear said:


> Do not forget that gentlemen frequent these pages. We do not want to be responsible for anyone's "dicky ticker" giving them trouble (and yes - I did take extra care tying "dicky ticker:, after the way the autocorrect has been interpreting my limpid prose lately.)
> 
> Men are only human, I believe, and the thought of a set of Sunday knockers, possibly with a range of interchangeable nipples for every occasion, may affect some of the poor chaps badly.


You're so very sage and worldly Auntie Lostbear.

Why do you believe men are human though? I don't think they are, they do strange things, or is it only me who's noticed?

Ask the average man to put together Sunday lunch and he would have to be led sobbing from the kitchen, to lie in a darkened room, whilst his wife undoes the hideous mess he's made, retrieve the roast from the microwave and the Yorkshire puds from the grill, and produce a succulent meal.

However, show the average man a barbecue and he becomes a Neanderthal, wanting to take control, waving his tongs and dousing everything in lighter fluid. "Women and Children, GET BACK, it's FIRE"!!!!

He then resorts to chugging tin after tin of lager and trying to outbelch his friends and family.

It's definitely not the behaviour of a human being. No, no, noooo ......


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sweety said:


> You're so very sage and worldly Auntie Lostbear.
> 
> Why do you believe men are human though? I don't think they are, they do strange things, or is it only me who's noticed?
> 
> ...


And worse - after "man cook" is done - filthy barbecue is left for woman to clean and put away.

I was using "human" in the very loosest sense of the word . . .


----------



## Space Chick (Dec 10, 2011)

lostbear said:


> And worse - after "man cook" is done - filthy barbecue is left for woman to clean and put away.
> 
> I was using "human" in the very loosest sense of the word . . .


You've met my husband then


----------



## Space Chick (Dec 10, 2011)

Oh and I've won another 2 lots of wool.

Loft clearance and cataloging as per your recommendation will commence in earnest this weekend :thumbup1:


----------



## cinnamontoast (Oct 24, 2010)

lostbear said:


> EDIT COMMENT: Omygawd! KNICKERS!!!!! Best KNICKERS!!!!!
> 
> How do you turn this bliddy thing off?


You don't, you're providing much amusement since Flams turned off hers


----------



## Ceiling Kitty (Mar 7, 2010)

lostbear said:


> EDIT COMMENT: Omygawd! KNICKERS!!!!! Best KNICKERS!!!!!
> 
> How do you turn this bliddy thing off?


I did think that when I read your kind reply.

I only have the one pair, and TBH they don't amount to much! :lol:


----------



## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

Shoshannah said:


> I did think that when I read your kind reply.
> 
> I only have the one pair, and TBH they don't amount to much! :lol:


I daren't even run for a bus, I'd have concussion for a fortnight!


----------



## Ceiling Kitty (Mar 7, 2010)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> I daren't even run for a bus, I'd have concussion for a fortnight!


Oh no! I find it odd that so many people want enhancement surgery, I love having small knickers... I mean knockers.


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Space Chick said:


> You've met my husband then


Alas - I do not need to!


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Shoshannah said:


> I did think that when I read your kind reply.
> 
> I only have the one pair, and TBH they don't amount to much! :lol:


Anything like mine? Two fried eggs (without the whites)?


----------



## Ceiling Kitty (Mar 7, 2010)

lostbear said:


> Anything like mine? Two fried eggs (without the whites)?


Well, they aren't yellow. Is your liver feeling okay?


----------



## ozrex (Aug 30, 2011)

Good heavens, you lot. BACK TO ANTEATERS AT ONCE!!!



> I suggest that you cut careful around the area of hammered-flat spikes, lift the board, and have a look at what is underneath. The likelihood is that if it is Eddie, he is still alive but seething with the type of incandescent rage which only an anteater can display. Beware of his sticky tongue shooting out to throttle you.


Do anteater DO that??? ERK!!! I thought they were quite harmless... Does that explain the sudden appearance of deep pot holes in OH's driveway??? I thought Eddie was innocently digging up ant nests and that it was pure coincidence that the small tyres of my nice new city-type Mazda 3 fell into the holes onto _spikes_ (I thought Eddie was shedding for winter) whereas my OH's ute's larger tyres skimmed over the top!



> He will be hungry, so if you have some ants or a couple of cornets handy to distract him while you saw through his spikes to release him, you will probably be safe.


Do I feed him the cornet or jam it over his nose to stop his tongue from looping around my throat??? 



> Has your OH not missed his spiney chum? I am surprised that he hasn't been under the floorboard with a bag of beetles to try to tempt him out. Tell me, Anon (What a pretty name. Is is foreign?), was there just a teeny-tiny bit of jealousy involved here regarding your OH's affection for this little spiky chap? Be honest now. "Accidentally" booted his nose? Thought a patch of 30,000 spikes was "risen nails". I think you need to face up to some hard facts about yourself, my dear. And they're not pretty.


I REFUSE to admit to being jealous of a manky monotreme!! I refute your offensive suggestion WITH SCORN! ME???? JEALOUS OF THAT???HUMPH!

OH has been crawling around the front door step with plates of ants embedded in an earthworm mousse on a sauce of formic acid!! I am NOT happy! Especially when he offered ME a pie floater! I put the loo brush in one of OH's socks and pulled firmly to make the "spikes" go through the sock and told OH Eddie was asleep. Then I put Eddie's food in a wrap and ate it for lunch (surprisingly delicious) and told OH that Eddie had cleared his plate... so I'm safe for a bit.



> It could be, of course, that as this is the springtime when a young echidna's fancy turns to thoughts of prickly love, that he is actually a she, and has laid eggs somewhere (check the airing cupboard). They look like ping-pong balls, and are sort of rubbery (that was the best description I could get from my contact at Edinburgh zoo). Under no circumstances play ping pong with them, to they will be scrambled and heaven only knows what the hatchlings will be like.


What a horrible thought!!! Puggles!!!! As if i don't have enough trouble with echidnas. Actually I think Eddie is a bloke, the rainbow ribbon around his rear spikes is a bit of a give-away



> If the worst comes to the worst, and Eddie is no more, then may I suggest that your next pet from the Anteater Rescue is a pangolin?


I suppose I should go and rescue Eddie as you suggest. Do they float? I mean, if I put Eddie in the creek with the floorboard still attached to his back he might find a nice new home downstream... a LONG way downstream.

Thank you for your thought provoking reply.

Anon
(A common name here in Oz due to a plethora of convicts


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

ozrex said:


> Good heavens, you lot. BACK TO ANTEATERS AT ONCE!!!
> 
> Do anteater DO that??? ERK!!! I thought they were quite harmless... Does that explain the sudden appearance of deep pot holes in OH's driveway???* I thought Eddie was innocently digging up ant nests and that it was pure coincidence that the small tyres of my nice new city-type Mazda 3 fell into the holes onto spikes (I thought Eddie was shedding for winter) whereas my OH's ute's larger tyres skimmed over the top*!
> 
> ...


Ah. I see.

I would point out that when the echidna goes s'he will leave a niche that will quickly be filled by another shy and affectionate forest creature. Don't get your hopes up - those squirrels and bunnies that do the housework for you are native to the Disney channel only - I can't begin to tell you how much disappointment this has caused me.

But seeing as Australia has more deadly poisonous creatures per square inch than anywhere else in the world (even if you exclude the casts of "Neighbours, Home and Away, and Sons and Daughters"), I would ensure that whatever moves in under your OH's place is something you can tolerate. Why not nip across the way and get a nice little Tasmanian Devil?


----------



## cheekyscrip (Feb 8, 2010)

I need your advice on something...but completey forgot wwhat it was..except that it was Important...






can you help?







and it was completely antfree


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

cheekyscrip said:


> *I need your advice on something...but completey forgot wwhat it was..except that it was Important...
> 
> can you help?*
> 
> and it was completely antfree


Of course I can.


----------



## cheekyscrip (Feb 8, 2010)

lostbear said:


> Of course I can.


now it came back!...

next door neighbour wants to tattoo my name on his arm...



but in the full it is total of 26 letters (without titles)..it might be a tad too much for his state pension...

shall I put my blinds down and block my door?

or just stop sharing my Sunday Times and other girls mags with him?


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

cheekyscrip said:


> now it came back!...
> 
> next door neighbour wants to tattoo my name on his arm...
> 
> ...


Neither.

Buy him a gift of a 13-colour biro, and then he can do the work himself with the inks from said biro and a small, very sharp needle. If you know any ex-cons they will explain exactly how to do this.

Oh - some cotton wool for the blood will probably be useful too, unless you can train your little dog to lick off the excess - though be careful of this, as it might lead him to believe that you are fonder of him than you are - sharing dog spit is quite an intimate act, akin to eating ice-cream from the same spoon.

Be prepared to call the emergency services in a couple of days time . . .


----------



## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

Auntie LB, I have a dilema, do I have a slice of lime, or lemon with my G&T? 

I'M STUCK, I mean, lemon is refreshing, lime is more cosmopolitan, and I haven't a clue which I want/need!!!


----------



## Valanita (Apr 13, 2010)

I am reading the helpful lady as Auntie Lobster, please help me get over this!


----------



## Mulish (Feb 20, 2013)

Auntie Lobster - Help!

I've got a large pile of wood that needs chucking so I bought a woodchuck from a local and highly reputable breeder. I got her home and jokingly asked how much wood would she chuck if she could chuck wood, thinking it would break the ice. She went ballistic! Apparently my mindless stereotyping of her entire species was highly offensive and also bought back some terrible splinter related trauma from her youth 

Obviously I'm sympathetic but I've got wood that needs chucking and if she can't do it I want to return her to her breeder and get a woodchuck who would chuck wood. When I told her she threatened to take me to a tribunal for constructive dismissal 

What should I do?


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> Auntie LB, I have a dilema, do I have a slice of lime, or lemon with my G&T?
> 
> I'M STUCK, I mean, lemon is refreshing, lime is more cosmopolitan, and I haven't a clue which I want/need!!!


Both.

Counts as two of your 5-a-day, with gin (made from nutritious juniper berries) making a third portion.


----------



## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

lostbear said:


> Both.
> 
> Counts as two of your 5-a-day, with gin (made from nutritious juniper berries) making a third portion.


Crikey, no more veg this week then!


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Valanita said:


> I am reading the helpful lady as Auntie Lobster, please help me get over this!


Auntie Lobster is FINE. I have already explained this. I write a regular advice column for the love-lorn in "Crustacean World" under the pseudonym of Auntie Lobster, and also contribute the occasional article ("Forbidden Love - Can you be_ TOO_ fond of your soft-shell crab?")

I don't mind you addressing me as Auntie Lobster, honest, but if it troubles you, I believe that Specsavers are having a sale at the moment.


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Mulish said:


> Auntie Lobster - Help!
> 
> I've got a large pile of wood that needs chucking so I bought a woodchuck from a local and highly reputable breeder. I got her home and jokingly asked how much wood would she chuck if she could chuck wood, thinking it would break the ice. She went ballistic! Apparently my mindless stereotyping of her entire species was highly offensive and also bought back some terrible splinter related trauma from her youth
> 
> ...


Despite her rodentine threats, she has very few legal rights. She has been purchased for the purpose of chucking wood (in accordance with the Woodchuck Slavery Act of 1756, section 2, subsection 67, paragraph b), and if she refuses or is unable to chuck said wood then you have every right to return her to the breeder.

HOWEVER, here we come across one of those little anomalies that pepper out British legal system and make it the envy and laughing stock of the world: you have every right to return her to her breeder, bur the breeder is under no obligation to take her back.

Personally I think she wounds like a feisty little bugger and you would be better getting her onside. Explain to her that your unthinking denigration of woodchucks as a species and her in particular was a totally uncharacteristic thing for you to do. Say that you were so excited to have a member of the squirrel family in your own home that you just started jabbering nonsense. SHe will be mildly aggrieved still, but will also begin to feel rather flattered. Assure her that her BREEDER was the one who told you to open the conversation with her using these incendiary words, and that it was an obvious ploy to break the unspoken bond that she could see was already forming between you - jealous, obviously. Suggest that the two of you get together to bring the breeder into disrepute , and perhaps blackmail her into providing a few particularly handsome male woodchucks (gratis) who could chuck wood all day and pleasure the lady woodchuck all night. The two of you can the become BFF's and sit drinking margaritas whilst watching the woodchuck beefcake flex their sciurine muscles.

If I was a woodchuck, this would work for me.


----------



## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

Is it possible to OD on 'fruit and veg'? Just in case......


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> Is it possible to OD on 'fruit and veg'? Just in case......


Maybe - but you'd have to drink a lot of them.


----------



## Valanita (Apr 13, 2010)

Dear Auntie Lostbear, 
Thank you for your kind words. To cure myself I found a pic & as I'm sure you are nothing like the crustation in the photo at the bottom, I feel I will now get your name right if I think of one of these...



See I got it right after stealing myself not to think about this..


----------



## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

I have a new and urgent problem, in fact, I think it may be contagious. Imagine this situation, someone comes on to the forum, posts a couple of innocuous sort of threads, builds up a repertoire, doesn't really enter in to any discussions and THEN, you discover they are a troll (I am thinking at this point my secret gremlin *bits* should have forewarned me). How do you a) get over it, and b) vent frustration that your knockers, I mean gremlins, are demanding?


----------



## davidc (Dec 15, 2010)

I am often tempted to reply to threads with humour. For example, on the "Anybody run?" thread I have this urge to reply "Yes - for the bus". Fortunately this time I managed to stop myself from doing this. Thus nobody will ever know how close they came to reading inane jokes. Sometimes, just like the comedy star Miranda, these jokes fall flat on their face. Can you help me to stop this terrible affliction that curses me like a chavvy parrot?

Thanking you in advance (see I can do time travel now),

David


----------



## Space Chick (Dec 10, 2011)

Dear Auntie Lostbear,

I'm just home from Band Practice and I am hungry. Will I have nightmares if I indulge in some crackers and cheese right now? And should I have a port to go with it at this moderately late hour?

I have probably burnt that calories jumping around on stage with my bass guitar and carrying my heavy equipment back and forth to the car (oh why oh why didn't I chose something small like a saxophone.)

In other news, more wool arrived today and more is getting posted tomorrow, and I've told hubby to clear attic space. Woo Hoo!

Thanks, as always, your humble servant
SpaceChick


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Valanita said:


> Dear Auntie Lostbear,
> Thank you for your kind words. To cure myself I found a pic & as I'm sure you are nothing like the crustation in the photo at the bottom, I feel I will now get your name right if I think of one of these...
> 
> 
> ...


Sadly, I am more like the second one. Though not as blue.


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

davidc said:


> I am often tempted to reply to threads with humour. For example, on the "Anybody run?" thread I have this urge to reply "Yes - for the bus". Fortunately this time I managed to stop myself from doing this. Thus nobody will ever know how close they came to reading inane jokes. Sometimes, just like the comedy star Miranda, these jokes fall flat on their face. Can you help me to stop this terrible affliction that curses me like a chavvy parrot?
> 
> Thanking you in advance (see I can do time travel now),
> 
> David


David . . . . ? Time travel . . . . . ?

(Be still, my trembling heart) You aren't a . . . doctor . . . are you?


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> I have a new and urgent problem, in fact, I think it may be contagious. Imagine this situation, someone comes on to the forum, posts a couple of innocuous sort of threads, builds up a repertoire, doesn't really enter in to any discussions and THEN, you discover they are a troll (I am thinking at this point my secret gremlin *bits* should have forewarned me). How do you a) get over it, and b) vent frustration that your knockers, I mean gremlins, are demanding?


Has this got anything to do with a pregnant basset hound, a newborn litter of kittens, a four-week litter of puppies and something else concerning a dog but I can't remember what?


----------



## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

lostbear said:


> David . . . . ? Time travel . . . . . ?
> 
> (Be still, my trembling heart) You aren't a . . . doctor . . . are you?


tart!!!


----------



## Ceiling Kitty (Mar 7, 2010)

Dear Auntie lostbear,

I *just* got in from work (GDV followed by Caesarean). All I've eaten today is Krispy Kreme doughnuts.

Am I going to die of sugar poisoning?


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Space Chick said:


> Dear Auntie Lostbear,
> 
> I'm just home from Band Practice and I am hungry. Will I have nightmares if I indulge in some crackers and cheese right now? And should I have a port to go with it at this moderately late hour?
> 
> ...


You really do like wool, don't you?

Yeah - have the port and stuff - you only live once.


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> tart!!!


We all have our weaknesses . . .


----------



## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

lostbear said:


> We all have our weaknesses . . .


I have none, I am impregnable, quite literally


----------



## cinnamontoast (Oct 24, 2010)

Mulish said:


> Auntie Lobster - Help!
> 
> I've got a large pile of wood that needs chucking so I bought a woodchuck from a local and highly reputable breeder. I got her home and jokingly asked how much wood would she chuck if she could chuck wood, thinking it would break the ice. She went ballistic! Apparently my mindless stereotyping of her entire species was highly offensive and also bought back some terrible splinter related trauma from her youth
> 
> ...


Feed to the polar bear??


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Shoshannah said:


> Dear Auntie lostbear,
> 
> I *just* got in from work (GDV followed by Caesarean). All I've eaten today is Krispy Kreme doughnuts.
> 
> Am I going to die of sugar poisoning?


The nutritional value of Krispy Kreme doughnuts is, sadly, grossly underrated.

They contain massive amounts of fat (required for those feisty little brain neurones to keep working at optimum capacity and the production of adequate skeleton protecting wobbly wobbly), a ton of sugar (rich in vitamin X - vital for the maintenance of acne) and some amino acids without which dyslexia cannot flourish.

But yes - over-consumption could lead to sweaty spotty daeht.


----------



## Ceiling Kitty (Mar 7, 2010)

lostbear said:


> The nutritional value of Krispy Kreme doughnuts is, sadly, grossly underrated.
> 
> They contain massive amounts of fat (required for those feisty little brain neurones to keep working at optimum capacity and the production of adequate skeleton protecting wobbly wobbly), a ton of sugar (rich in vitamin X - vital for the maintenance of acne) and some amino acids without which dyslexia cannot flourish.
> 
> But yes - over-consumption could lead to sweaty spotty daeht.


Daeht... a fate worse than death.


----------



## davidc (Dec 15, 2010)

lostbear said:


> David . . . . ? Time travel . . . . . ?
> 
> (Be still, my trembling heart) You aren't a . . . doctor . . . are you?


Well I am a Tenant................................................A council tenant.

If I was a time traveller I would go forward in time to read future newspapers. It would be good to read the Star tomorrow and know that Prince Harry wanted to buy a seaside pub or see Big Brother fight to the death screaming out at me from the headline. Sadly I do not posess time travel, therefore I cannot do this. Now if you don't mind, I have some ironing to do.
After which I will relax with this new comic I found in the newsagents.


----------



## Rafa (Jun 18, 2012)

lostbear said:


> Has this got anything to do with a pregnant basset hound, a newborn litter of kittens, a four-week litter of puppies and something else concerning a dog but I can't remember what?


Oh aye, it's a dog that may or may not be a mongrel and may or may not have to live outside, (or inside, whatever the case may be).

It's also about a possible attack by a Pit Bull, (or cross, maybe), which attacked a Jack Rustle, (yes, RUSTLE).

There also seems to be a GSD in the middle of the mix somehow which may or may not have been wrestled backwards by it's shoulders.

Confused?

Don't worry. Auntie Lostbear has all the answers. From hire purchase to hormones, she knows it all.

I'm sure she will have sage words about this idiot spamming the forum.


----------



## Katherna (Feb 20, 2008)

Dear Auntie Lostbear

Over the last 2 days I've been seeing this big ball of fire in the sky. I think it's fire because there's heat. I've climbed up my stepladder and tried to touch it but it's too far away 

Can you please tell me what this phenomenon is - or is the world going to end soon!

also apparently I'm now a senior member .... does that mean I'm like really old now


----------



## Sandysmum (Sep 18, 2010)

Dear Aunty Lobster. I have a real problem that I need urgent help with. I have asked on the forum a few months ago, but nobody could advise me. I've read your column with interest and seen how wise you are, so I thought you could help.
My laptop hates me! It won't do anything it's told, it takes ages to write anything coz I have to keep correting almost every word.The little arrow thingy keeps flying all over the place and doing bad things. It orders things from on line shops, it replies to spam, so now I have £3 million coming from Nigeria and I've won the Spanish lottery, but I have to send money to get the prizes that my lappy has won. I also have a Thai bride coming next month, I don't want a Thai bride, I'm a laydeee not a man, so I don't need all the flipping little blue pills that arrived today either.
It's taken me over an hour to get this readable so as you can see, I need help. You are my last hope, how can I make friends with it and stop it from doing bad things before I end up bankrupt and married to a Thai bride.


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

davidc said:


> Well I am a Tenant................................................A council tenant.
> 
> If I was a time traveller I would go forward in time to read future newspapers. It would be good to read the Star tomorrow and know that Prince Harry wanted to buy a seaside pub or see Big Brother fight to the death screaming out at me from the headline. Sadly I do not posess time travel, therefore I cannot do this. Now if you don't mind, I have some ironing to do.
> After which I will relax with this new comic I found in the newsagents.


How little ambition you have for a man with the blood of a Time Lord almost coursing through his veins! Most of us would either go forward in time to when our ironing was already done so that we could relax with our feet up and a copy of the Beano, or backwards in time to the days when crumpled clothing was _de rigeur_.


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sweety said:


> Oh aye, it's a dog that may or may not be a mongrel and may or may not have to live outside, (or inside, whatever the case may be).
> 
> It's also about a possible attack by a Pit Bull, (or cross, maybe), which attacked a Jack Rustle, (yes, RUSTLE).
> 
> ...


Ah yes - the Jack Rustle - an irritatingly noisy little breed despite being barkless.

I had just come across this inventive little bridge-dwellong poster before I came to check my thread last night. His/her/its thread had been closed so I couldn't stick my twopenn'rth in, sadly, and I didn't have the energy to seek out all of the other stands of drivel to see exactly what was going on.

Unfortunately this type of idiot (as opposed to the type I am) is like cockroaches - almost impossible to eradicate. A good verbal kicking is about all you can do, or alternatively ignore and deprive them of the oxygen of publicity (I can never keep out of it myself). I always hope that one day one of them will accidentally reveal who they are, and we can go round and tar and feather them.


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

jetsmum said:


> Dear Aunty Lobster. I have a real problem that I need urgent help with. I have asked on the forum a few months ago, but nobody could advise me. I've read your column with interest and seen how wise you are, so I thought you could help.
> My laptop hates me! It won't do anything it's told, it takes ages to write anything coz I have to keep correting almost every word.The little arrow thingy keeps flying all over the place and doing bad things. It orders things from on line shops, it replies to spam, so now I have £3 million coming from Nigeria and I've won the Spanish lottery, but I have to send money to get the prizes that my lappy has won. I also have a Thai bride coming next month, I don't want a Thai bride, I'm a laydeee not a man, so I don't need all the flipping little blue pills that arrived today either.
> It's taken me over an hour to get this readable so as you can see, I need help. You are my last hope, how can I make friends with it and stop it from doing bad things before I end up bankrupt and married to a Thai bride.


Deary, deary, deary me.

You are in a quandary. It is a well-known fact that technology hates mankind - look at Terminator and indeed my own laptop, which as you will have seen deliberately mis-spells at every opportunity, and always in a way to cause maximum embarrassment. however, this doesn't help you with your present problem.

Firstly, if you are getting several millions of English pounds coming from Africa, you have obviously been in contact with an African Prince. Despite his appalling grammar, I think you will find it the work of a moment to put him in touch with your Thai bride (It was definitely "bride" wasn't it? The computer hadn't misspelled "bridge"? That would make it a bit more awkward, but I suppose as long as he thought it was a bride . .)
Your laptop will try to sabotage this - you can circumvent this by one of two methods (or both).

A) Leave lots of "Curry's" leaflets where the laptop can - er - see them. Talk on the telephone to "computer technicians" about getting it "fixed", within its - er - hearing. Make sure that when you log on, the first thing you do is visit the Apple website, and coo loudly over their new "babies".

This will instil in it a sense of mild anxiety. It will start wondering what will happen next.

B) Threaten to drop the little bleeder into a bath full of water. Say this confidently - _under no circumstances must you show fear_. They sense it, and will attack without provocation.

Don't send any money anywhere (except to me, obviously, if you wish to show your appreciation). The Spanish lottery is not a scam at all - nonononononono, of course not - just asks them to take their processing fee out of your winnings, and forward on the balance.

As for that naughty little arrow - now that it knows you are on to it, it will behave itself much better as regarding buying stuff it doesn't want and you can't afford until your lottery cheque arrives. Why not make friends with it and do what I do? I often take my little arrow shopping, and put tons and tons of stuff in my basket - but I don't click "buy" until my lottery/bingo/ernie winnings actually arrive. It is great fun! My Amazon basket alone stretches to 141 pages!

Between a combination of threat and bribery, you should bring your laptop to heel.

There id nithins tou cah ao amour the apwkkunf.


----------



## Mulish (Feb 20, 2013)

lostbear said:


> Despite her rodentine threats, she has very few legal rights. She has been purchased for the purpose of chucking wood (in accordance with the Woodchuck Slavery Act of 1756, section 2, subsection 67, paragraph b), and if she refuses or is unable to chuck said wood then you have every right to return her to the breeder.
> 
> HOWEVER, here we come across one of those little anomalies that pepper out British legal system and make it the envy and laughing stock of the world: you have every right to return her to her breeder, bur the breeder is under no obligation to take her back.
> 
> ...


Much as I appreciate all of your sage advice, Lobby, you don't seem to be grasping the breadth of my laziness. I've tried to be subtle about it in previous posts but seems I'll just have to tell you straight: I can't be bovvered, innit? My spirit animal is a sloth (probably, I've not gotten around to checking) and my apathy level is set to "meh". I slow blink, therefore I am. Geddit?

However, your last line did resonate with me so I gave Wilma (the woodchuck) a pint of Baileys and some bourbon creams to dip in it and we are now BFFs. So cheers :thumbsup:



cinnamontoast said:


> Feed to the polar bear??


I'm calling this Plan B.


----------



## SusieRainbow (Jan 21, 2013)

I have a complaint ( but more about that later )
Since reading through this thread I have no more dry pants and trousers left - what should I do ?


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Mulish said:


> Much as I appreciate all of your sage advice, Lobby, you don't seem to be grasping the breadth of my laziness. I've tried to be subtle about it in previous posts but seems I'll just have to tell you straight: I can't be bovvered, innit? * My spirit animal is a sloth (probably, I've not gotten around to checking) and my apathy level is set to "meh". I slow blink, therefore I am. Geddit?*
> This is a remarkable co-incidence - I have been thinking of starting a "What is your spirit animal?" thread - and you come up with this comment. It's uncanny!
> 
> Just for the record, I did a Native American sweatlodge session in my nephew's transit. I "smudged" the air with burning sage and went into a trance where all things in space and time were as one, and I was but a tiny fragment in an infinite cosmos . . . and yet . . . and yet . . . I WAS the cosmos . . . . I was all things, and no-thing, and every secret of the universe was mine to know, and yet all remained an unfathomable mystery, hidden in the depths of infinity . . . . . . . . . and during this deeply spiritual and beyond-time experience, shrouded in the twisting mists of the great ocean of unknowing, I was privileged to meet my spirit animal. . . . . . . . .
> ...


You'll have to excuse me - I need some ice or something. My ears are really hot.


----------



## Rafa (Jun 18, 2012)

Dear Auntie Lobster,

I'm totally discombobulated.

All of my underwear seems to be getting tighter and tighter on me.

Do you think my washer is malfunctioning, boil washing my knickers and turning them into bum starvers?

Please help.

Signed : Barely Decent of Lancashire.


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

SusieRainbow said:


> I have a complaint ( but more about that later )
> Since reading through this thread I have no more dry pants and trousers left - what should I do ?


Wrap your lower half in a large towel and sit on a sheet of cllngfilm. Go online and order large quantities of industrial strength Tena Lady. (Weapons grade is available, but only if you work for the MoD. You aren't a '"spook" are you? If so, you can get staff discount.)


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sweety said:


> Dear Auntie Lobster,
> 
> I'm totally discombobulated.
> 
> ...


That is one explanation, yes.

Another is that you have a healthy appetite. I know that you will assure me that you eat like a bird, but if that bird is a gannet, then you are likely to outgrow your knockers on a regular basis.


----------



## Rafa (Jun 18, 2012)

lostbear said:


> That is one explanation, yes.
> 
> Another is that you have a healthy appetite. I know that you will assure me that you eat like a bird, but if that bird is a gannet, then you are likely to outgrow your knockers on a regular basis.


OUTGROW MY KNOCKERS??!!!

I haven't saved up the money for my spare pair yet.

Oh dear, oh dear, what will become of me?


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

lostbear said:


> That is one explanation, yes.
> 
> Another is that you have a healthy appetite. I know that you will assure me that you eat like a bird, but if that bird is a gannet, then you are likely to outgrow your *knockers* on a regular basis.


EDIT: KNICKERS, for the love of God - *KNICKERS!*


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sweety said:


> OUTGROW MY KNOCKERS??!!!
> 
> I haven't saved up the money for my spare pair yet.
> 
> Oh dear, oh dear, what will become of me?


It's this autocorrect thingy. Isweartogoditisntmehonest!


----------



## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

Dear Aunty LB,

I have the opposite problem to Sweety, I think my knockers have outgrown me. Any help much appreciated.


----------



## Rafa (Jun 18, 2012)

lostbear said:


> It's this autocorrect thingy. Isweartogoditisntmehonest!


We believe you Lobster ......... we do, we do, we doooooo.

Now you just try to be calm. Get some rest, apply a wet flannel to your pulse points, still your heaving bosom.

It can't be easy trying to sort out the mess you've been presented with on this thread.

There, there, there ..............


----------



## Sandysmum (Sep 18, 2010)

Dear Aunty Lobster, I have followed your wise advice, but I don't think it's worked very well. I got lots of currys leaflets and left them all over the desk. They were from the local curryhouse, but the lappy wouldn't have known that, would it? When I clicked on the apple site, I got a lovely recipe for apple crumble???
As for the water, well I held it over the sink and told it to behave or I'd drown it. It bit me!!! It closed its lid on my fingers and flippin bit me. I've got black fingernails now 

Maybe you were right about it being a Thai bridge not bride, coz 28 buckets of lego turned up this morning along with a set of blue prints. It's also registered me on some very strange websites, which it has taken me almost all day to unregister.

And if that wasn't enough it's ordered 46 pairs of size 15 willies 

It's taken almost 3 hours to type this as it's being a right PITA tonight.

Any other ideas on how to tame this beast, before I end up throwing it in the bin.


----------



## Katherna (Feb 20, 2008)

Dear Aunty Lostbear,

My Oh thinks I'm going slightly mad as I keep laughing at my computer screen whist reading a thread on a pet forum, he can't understand what can be so funny.


----------



## davidc (Dec 15, 2010)

lostbear said:


> How little ambition you have for a man with the blood of a Time Lord almost coursing through his veins! Most of us would either go forward in time to when our ironing was already done so that we could relax with our feet up and a copy of the Beano, or backwards in time to the days when crumpled clothing was _de rigeur_.


I have a complaint. I took your advice and went back in time to the days when crumpled clothing was in. But to my horror, I was nearly drowned for being a witch. These Medevielians don't take kindly to this time travelling lark. Fortunately I managed to escape on a discarded broom, flying neatly away into the 21st century where the broom was no longer needed as apparently Dysons have replaced witches brooms. But I wish to complain about your recklessness putting me in danger. I hope you can remedy this matter as soon as possible as my postman is wondering why I have so many frogs croaking in my flat when he only saw humans come in. I can ill afford to turn another person into a frog.


----------



## cinnamontoast (Oct 24, 2010)

lostbear said:


> There id nithins tou cah ao amour the apwkkunf.


Dear Aunty Lobster, I have been following your advice with interest, but this bit flummoxes me!


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> Dear Aunty LB,
> 
> I have the opposite problem to Sweety, I think my knockers have outgrown me. Any help much appreciated.


Strap up your buzzems with duck tape (yes - that's right - the waterproof, feather-resistant tape people use when they need to stick a duck onto something). Doesn't get rid of them but reduces the risk of Simpson-movie "Booby-lady" independent movement of the mammaries.

This is an old remedy but has stood the sense of time. There is even a song about it.

(*sings tunelessly*)
Strap up your buzzems with your old duck tape
And wince, wince, wince
Cover your torso from your @rse to nape
Just control those twince*
What's the use of wobbling
With boobs like bags of mince**
Just strap up your buzzems with your old duck tape 
And wince, wince wince

* assonance - a term in poetry that means you're getting the rhyme wrong (Educating Rita)
** desperation for a rhyme

This song was so popular it was adopted by soldiers in the trenches who gave it their own, uninteresting words, though rather better rhymes.


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sweety said:


> We believe you Lobster ......... we do, we do, we doooooo.
> 
> Now you just try to be calm. Get some rest, apply a wet flannel to your pulse points,* still your heaving bosom.*
> Alas - I possess noting that looks remotely like a bosom. Just a couple of little flat buttons.
> ...


Piece of cake compared to the religion one - once John Lennon's "Imagine" raised it's ugly head, I knew all of my theological arguments were lost. It is the cuddly-care-bear of philosophical statements and I'm afraid that my heart just sank.

Never mind. Back to the cut and thrust of real people, real, problems, real solutions, and real autocorrect didacticism.


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

jetsmum said:


> Dear Aunty Lobster, I have followed your wise advice, but I don't think it's worked very well. I got lots of currys leaflets and left them all over the desk.* They were from the local curryhouse, but the lappy wouldn't have known that, would it?*
> Lappy's are brighter than you think.
> 
> *When I clicked on the apple site, I got a lovely recipe for apple crumble???*
> ...


You are already winning this fight, You have threatened it with the stick, now is the time to use the carrot (unless you've been using a carrot and that is why it orde- er, actually, we won't go there).

Computers like electricity - love it in fact. Don't say anything directly to it, but pretend to have a phone call with YOUR LOCAL COMPUTER SUPERSTORE _not _ curry house - mention how you were thinking of treating it to a new charger and ask if there are any especially nice ones. Do this within its hearing. Casually ask if they have any particularly nice covers, laptop bags, dongles - stuff like that.

I think you will see a huge improvement in behaviour.

If the rubbish spelling continues, take some typing lessons.


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Katherna said:


> Dear Aunty Lostbear,
> 
> My Oh thinks I'm going slightly mad as I keep laughing at my computer screen whist reading a thread on a pet forum,* he can't understand what can be so funny*.


He's a bloke - he never will. Just pity him.


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

davidc said:


> I have a complaint. I took your advice and went back in time to the days when crumpled clothing was in. But to my horror, I was nearly drowned for being a witch. These Medevielians don't take kindly to this time travelling lark. Fortunately I managed to escape on a discarded broom, flying neatly away into the 21st century where the broom was no longer needed as apparently Dysons have replaced witches brooms. But *I wish to complain about your recklessness putting me in danger.*
> 
> If you re-read my previous post, you will see that I only expressed surprise that it handnt been something you had thought of - I did not, in any way shape or form, instruct you, by outfight word or by implication, to actually go back in time
> 
> ...


Turn the next one into a stork - they devour frogs with relish (no - you don't need to buy relish! It also means "enthusiasm". Honestly - my mother didn't raise me for this . . . .


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

cinnamontoast said:


> Dear Aunty Lobster, I have been following your advice with interest, but this bit flummoxes me!


"There is nothing you can do about the spelling"


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## Firedog (Oct 19, 2011)

cinnamontoast said:


> Dear Aunty Lobster, I have been following your advice with interest, but this bit flummoxes me!


Funnily enough that was the only bit I could understand.


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Firedog said:


> Funnily enough that was the only bit I could understand.


That doesn't surprise me in the slightest, knowing you as I do.


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## Sandysmum (Sep 18, 2010)

jetsmum said:


> As for the water, well I held it over the sink and told it to behave or I'd drown it. It bit me!!! It closed its lid on my fingers and flippin bit me. I've got black fingernails now
> 
> And if that wasn't enough it's ordered 46 pairs of size 15 willies
> .


Dear aunty Lobster,
I've got blood blisters where it munched me, not just dirty nails. I don't mind dirty nails, but a fill set of black blood blisters is nasty.:crying:

And I meant wellies, 46 pairs of size 15 wellies as in the rubber boots not the other rubber thingys you might have thought that that I meant but didn't. Honest I didn't. (do they come in size 15 anyway?)

it's going to hurt my pride being nice to this beeping machiung, but if you think that my work, then I'll give it a try.
Fank oo for your sage advice. I shall let you know what happens.


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

jetsmum said:


> Dear aunty Lobster,
> I've got blood blisters where it munched me, not just dirty nails. I don't mind dirty nails, but a fill set of black blood blisters is nasty.:crying:
> 
> And I meant* wellies,* 46 pairs of size 15 wellies as in the rubber boots not the other rubber thingys you might have thought that that I meant but didn't. Honest I didn't. (do they come in size 15 anyway?)
> ...


Nothing is certain in this uncertain world, except for death, taxes, and that Justin Beiber is a PITA.

But it is worth a try. If it doesn't work I have been told that many people would kill it, report it has been stolen and claim on your insurance. (It's not really fraud if it is to preserve your mental and/or physical health, but obviously I IN NO WAY ENDORSE ANY COURSE OF ACTION THAT MIGHT BE CONSTRUED, EVEN IN A BAD LIGHT, AS BREAKING THE LAW. I've had enough trouble with the Dr Who wannabe today - I'm not looking for more.


----------



## LinznMilly (Jun 24, 2011)

Dear Auntie Lobster

I just wanted to congratulate you on your superb ability to help people. Despite not directly seeking your expertise, I just wanted to let you know you have helped me tremendously, and have, along with the very real problems people have posted, cheered me up perfectly. 

However, in the current theme of technology-related problems, I have just tried to add to your reputation and was told I had to "spread it around a bit more". Could it be that my computer thinks I need more nocturnal interests? Or is it this site?  hmy:

Waiting with bated-breath;

Linz


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## loopylori (Feb 10, 2014)

Dear Auntie lostbear
Being an understanding woman you will sympathize with my dilemma. 'WHISPERS' it is that time of the month again, you know the one. Well just in case you don't I will explain on this third Sunday every month I hoover the lounge. Well because I spent the afternoon reading this thread its too late now. Should I do it next Sunday instead, although that means hoovering the lounge and really next Sunday is my monthly shower. Do you think that would be overdoing things and I should just hoover next month or shall I risk doing two things in one day.


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## ozrex (Aug 30, 2011)

I'm sure this agony column was originally designed to assist with anteater problems! I insist that Eddie has priority.



> I would point out that when the echidna goes s'he will leave a niche that will quickly be filled by another shy and affectionate forest creature. Don't get your hopes up - those squirrels and bunnies that do the housework for you are native to the Disney channel only - I can't begin to tell you how much disappointment this has caused me.


*It's FAR, FAR worse than that!!!!*

I freed Eddy. BIG MISTAKE...was he grateful?? Was he H*LL! I stuffed an ice-cream cone over his snout to prevent him from using his tongue to garrote me (as you suggested). I used OH's electric razor to shave down Eddie's back and separate his spines from the floorboard and offered him my Vegemite as I'd used his dinner for my sandwiches. He scraped the cone off his snout, threw the Vegemite at me (DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO GET THAT STUFF OUT OF ONE'S HAIR??), and stomped off outside with the floorboard in his mouth!!! I followed him to the creek where he threw the floorboard into the creek and jumped on top. He paddled away.

*It then got FAR, FAR worse!!!!*

Eddie has joined the two local platypi and formed a group called The Monotreme Movement with the motto "Land Rights for Gay Monotremes" and the stated aim of reclaiming Australia for monotremes one farm at a time. He's also changed his name to Eddy!! I believe that they're True Terrorists!



> But seeing as Australia has more deadly poisonous creatures per square inch than anywhere else in the world (even if you exclude the casts of "Neighbours, Home and Away, and Sons and Daughters"), I would ensure that whatever moves in under your OH's place is something you can tolerate. Why not nip across the way and get a nice little Tasmanian Devil?


I was questioning the availability of Tasmanian Devils (I'm afraid pangolins are unavailable in Oz due to Not Being Native) and slightly less venomous snakes when I was offered a job-lot of politicians. I was SO APPALLED by this vile suggestion (I'd rather have Eddy AND the platypi) that I accepted an assortment of tigers. When I got the bag home it dawned on me that the bag was a little small for tigers - although they were hissing quite loudly - so I rather hoped for tiger cubs... alas, they were assorted (10 from 20cm to 2.4m) tiger SNAKES! Silly me; tigers are Not Native either...

I now have 10 tiger snakes under the house and a war with the Monotreme Movement. Any ideas???


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

LinznMilly said:


> Dear Auntie Lobster
> 
> *I just wanted to congratulate you on your superb ability to help people.*
> 
> ...


Jealousy. Pure jealousy.


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

loopylori said:


> Dear Auntie lostbear
> Being an understanding woman you will sympathize with my dilemma. 'WHISPERS' it is that time of the month again, you know the one. Well just in case you don't I will explain on this third Sunday every month I hoover the lounge. Well because I spent the afternoon reading this thread its too late now. *Should I do it next Sunday instead,*
> 
> No = don't break your routine. The lounge can wait another month (though have your vacuum serviced if you think it cannot cope). Quentin Crisp, one of the "stately homes of England" famously said that after 3 months the filth doesn't get any worse. Now I am not suggesting that someone as obviously house proud as yourself should leave it altogether, but another four weeks isn't going to kill anybody. Probably.
> ...


NO! Under no circumstances push yourself beyond the limits of your endurance - this is how hernias happen. Enjoy your shower as planned. I'm sure the rest of us will.


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

ozrex said:


> I'm sure this agony column was originally designed to assist with anteater problems! I insist that Eddie has priority.
> 
> *It's FAR, FAR worse than that!!!!*
> 
> ...


I had to look tiger snakes up. They are not a variety I know much about, my favourite venomous snake being the Gaboon viper.

I was a little disappointed in their coloration - I thought with a name like tiger snake, they'd be prettier - sort of like long, scaly wasps, but without legs or wings (which I understand are pretty rare on any variety of snake), but many of them are quite dull aren't they? - never mind, in the poisonosity stakes you seem to have hit the jackpot! There doesn't seem to be a single area of their victims anatomy that their venom doesn't agonisingly destroy - blood, muscle, nerves, brain tissue - it courses round your circulatory system knocking your vital functions down like shrieking ninepins! Well done in your inadvertent choice of domestic nightmare.

I suggest that you either leave them where they are as a natural deterrent to burglars, or returning echidna revolutionaries (be prepared for a few more of them - they are about to go into their breeding season according to that fount of all accurate knowledge, Wikipedia) OR (and this would be my personal preference for dealing with the situation, I admit), lure them into a box, wrap them up tightly and post the to the Monotreme Movement labelled "From an Admirer" (put lots of kiss X's on the note). That should sort everybody out. To be on the safe side, an e-mail to even the most lowly White House aide, mentioning that there is a terrorist group and saying roughly where they are, will result in your entire continent being doused in napalm by a peace-keeping mission from the US. That should keep your naughty monotremata quiet for a couple of weeks.


----------



## ozrex (Aug 30, 2011)

> I was a little disappointed in their coloration - I thought with a name like tiger snake, they'd be prettier - sort of like long, scaly wasps, but without legs or wings (which I understand are pretty rare on any variety of snake), but many of them are quite dull aren't they?


Brilliant! Just brilliant!! I don't know HOW you do it!!!! My lot (they were quite cheap) are definitely on the dull side. I left a pile of leaflets showing Gaboon Vipers under the house - a sort of letter-box drop through the hole in the floor boards. Then I placed a large laundry hamper on its side positioned a mirror at the end and added several spray-cans of paint. Sure enough all 10 tiger snakes were in the hamper and spraying away. I clamped the lid on them. 



> ...lure them into a box, wrap them up tightly and post the to the Monotreme Movement labelled "From an Admirer" (put lots of kiss X's on the note)


Done!



> To be on the safe side, an e-mail to even the most lowly White House aide, mentioning that there is a terrorist group and saying roughly where they are, will result in your entire continent being doused in napalm by a peace-keeping mission from the US.


Unfortunately this did not go well! The BAD NEWS is that the USA have nuked Austria, the GOOD NEWS is that no-one seems to have noticed (except possibly the Austrians). *WHY THE H*LL DON'T THEY TEACH GEOGRAPHY IN AMERICAN SCHOOLS???????*


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## Sandysmum (Sep 18, 2010)

Dear Aunty Lobster, hmmm I think it's going to be ok now. I had a good talk with my lappy, nice and calmly (well as calmly as I could with fingers still hurting from the attack!) We talked about nice cases and dongleys, and all that kind of stuff, and she's ordered a Hello Kitty case from Ebay and wants some sparkly stickers and then she'll behave.

Yes, My lappy is a she, and the reason she's been so awkward is coz I thought she was a he, but she's not, she's a she! 

So thank you for all your help. Geraldine sends her love.


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

ozrex said:


> Brilliant! Just brilliant!! I don't know HOW you do it!!!! My lot (they were quite cheap) are definitely on the dull side. I left a pile of leaflets showing Gaboon Vipers under the house - a sort of letter-box drop through the hole in the floor boards. Then I placed a large laundry hamper on its side positioned a mirror at the end and added several spray-cans of paint. Sure enough all 10 tiger snakes were in the hamper and spraying away. I clamped the lid on them.
> 
> Done!
> 
> Unfortunately this did not go well! *The BAD NEWS is that the USA have nuked Austria, the GOOD NEWS is that no-one seems to have noticed (except possibly the Austrians).* *WHY THE H*LL DON'T THEY TEACH GEOGRAPHY IN AMERICAN SCHOOLS???????*


There are some countries that could be nuked and it would actually improve them - maybe Austria is one of them? At least we won't have shiploads of cut-price lederhosen flooding the market any more.

I have to admit that I had forgotten the American tendency to nuke first, read instructions later. Still, I'm sure they did it in the interests of World Peace.

Mea culpa.

American schools don't teach geography because they think there is only one country in the world ('Nited States uh 'Muhrcuh) and the rest is marked "Here be Dragons". Poor little Austria. Perhaps I should send flowers?


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

jetsmum said:


> Dear Aunty Lobster, hmmm I think it's going to be ok now. I had a good talk with my lappy, nice and calmly (well as calmly as I could with fingers still hurting from the attack!) We talked about nice cases and dongleys, and all that kind of stuff, and she's ordered a Hello Kitty case from Ebay and wants some sparkly stickers and then she'll behave.
> 
> Yes, My lappy is a she, and the reason she's been so awkward is coz I thought she was a he, but she's not, she's a she!
> 
> So thank you for all your help. Geraldine sends her love.


Oh, I'm so pleased! I love a happy ending!

And I'm not surprised that she had become difficult and awkward - can you imagine - you are a beautiful young lady laptop, caught in the cruel throes of adolescence, desperate to show your circuits to the world, and no-one notices that you are growing up and just treats you like a piece of IT. (Don't blame yourself - as a first time lappy parent you would not have recognised the signs, and until maturity, the sexes are indistinguishable.)

I hope the two of you will flourish in your new-found relationship. (Be prepared for a few hiccups, though. Hormones, remember.)


----------



## Katherna (Feb 20, 2008)

Dear Aunty Lostbear,

Whilst reading this thread my coffee cup seems to have emptied several times. I do not remember drinking the coffee contained within. Am I losing my mind, is it the terrific advice being given or have I got a hole in my cup?

Please help me, I'll be out of coffee soon!!!!!


----------



## Ceiling Kitty (Mar 7, 2010)

Dear Auntie lostbear,

This may come as a shock to you, but I have two sizeable verrucae adjacent to one another on the sole of my left foot.

This evening, in the bath, I pared them back with a scalpel blade - you know, as you do. Overall I think it went well, but the larger of the pair bled during the procedure. I put a plaster over it and went about the rest of my ablutions without giving it a second thought.

I removed the plaster a couple of hours later, only to find that the frickin' thing is still bleeding. 

Is it possible that a major artery could have diverted to the verruca via some kind of angiogenesis? Am I going to exsanguinate from a verruca? This would be a rather irritating cause of death, in terms of the information that would be presented to my loved ones and the wider community. I would have liked to be remembered for more than that.

Please advise.

Shosh xx


----------



## cinnamontoast (Oct 24, 2010)

Hmm, if I may answer this one, Shosh....? I suspect embryonic development of further verrucas and I believe that attacking them with a scalpel (personally, I nick pens from work, not sharp blades-should you be out on your own??) is contraindicated.

I suggest duct tape (or duck tape as Aunty Lobster affectionately renamed it earlier) and some rough as f**k tiles in a new bathroom. This will ensure that your wuss feet harden up and that no new verrucas will be able to immigrate and cling on. :yesnod: Alternatively, smother in sudocreme and wrap in cling film. Works for pretty much all equine injuries. 

For the bleeding, pressure-stand on it, you lazy mare!! :cursing:


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Katherna said:


> Dear Aunty Lostbear,
> 
> Whilst reading this thread my coffee cup seems to have emptied several times. I do not remember drinking the coffee contained within. Am I losing my mind, is it the terrific advice being given o*r have I got a hole in my cup?*
> 
> Please help me, I'll be out of coffee soon!!!!!


Most probably a hole in your mouth. Losing any sense of time and/or place is not unusual with the threads on this forum. No-one knows why. We suspect that it is a portal to an alternative universe - one where strange things happen and everybody is BFFs.

Then we wake up, there is no coffee, and we are back to fighting with each other. Still, it was nice while it lasted . . .

But yes, the advice IS terrific (*koffs modestly*)


----------



## Ceiling Kitty (Mar 7, 2010)

cinnamontoast said:


> For the bleeding, pressure-stand on it, you lazy mare!! :cursing:


Pressure will only encourage further hyperkeratinisation!  :lol:


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Shoshannah said:


> Dear Auntie lostbear,
> 
> This may come as a shock to you, but *I have two sizeable verrucae adjacent to one another on the sole of my left foot.*
> 
> ...


I can see your dilemma - as far as impressive causes of death go, it's not exactly up there with wresting orphans out of the jaws of a man-eating great white, or walking on a tightrope over the mouth of an active volcano, or being bitten by 10 venomous tiger snakes masquerading as gaboon vipers, whilst trying to infiltrate a monotreme terrorist cell in the Australian outback, is it?

I think that it is unlikely that you will actually die. In fact I'm not altogether convinced that is still "bleeding" as such - I suspect that you've pulled a scab off. I understand that bananas are nature's natural coagulants. Rub one on your bloody foot and see how it goes over the next fortnight or so.

If it looks like you are going to really bleed out, try to catch your precious, tasty, iron-rich body juice in a bucket and get it to your nearest zoo. That way you might at least get your name on the roll of honour in the vampire bat house.


----------



## northnsouth (Nov 17, 2009)

Do you think it would be fool hardy to buy one of these.
I think it will beat sleeping bag sledging.


----------



## Ceiling Kitty (Mar 7, 2010)

lostbear said:


> I understand that bananas are nature's natural coagulants. Rub one on your bloody foot and see how it goes over the next fortnight or so.


Thanks - do I peel the banana first?


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

cinnamontoast said:


> Hmm, if I may answer this one, Shosh....? I suspect embryonic development of further verrucas and I believe that attacking them with a scalpel (personally, I nick pens from work, not sharp blades-should you be out on your own??) is contraindicated.
> 
> I suggest duct tape (or duck tape as Aunty Lobster affectionately renamed it earlier) and some rough as f**k tiles in a new bathroom. *This will ensure that your wuss feet harden up and that no new verrucas will be able to immigrate and cling on*. :yesnod:
> I'm sure you mean well, but will not verruca eggs fall into the roughly textured tiles, where they will lurk in the hot steamy conditions of the bathroom waiting to attack any passing foot?
> ...


CT - I know you have a heart of gold - or possibly really tough smooth muscly stuff, but I think you are a little hard on Shosh. She is going to stick a banana on her foot (yes, probably with duck tape) and I'm sure that, combined with standing on it, will make it better.

As for sudocrem and cling film for equine injuries - is that injuries sustained by equines, or caused by them? Or both?


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Shoshannah said:


> Pressure will only encourage further hyperkeratinisation!  :lol:


That's easy for you to say . . .


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

northnsouth said:


> Do you think it would be fool hardy to buy one of these.
> I think it will beat sleeping bag sledging.


Mmm - looks like an accident waiting to happen to me. These things always seem a lot of fun until they get out of hand, people get over-excited, and someone loses an eye - happened here just the other day.

Most upsetting game of scrabble I've ever played.


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Shoshannah said:


> Thanks - do I peel the banana first?


Yes - you can't possibly walk about on banana peel - it is dangerously slippery!

Did you never tread "The Beano" when you were a chile?


----------



## Ceiling Kitty (Mar 7, 2010)

lostbear said:


> Did you never tread "The Beano" when you were a chile?


No, I was always more of an Ecuador girl, myself. We used to read comics rather than stomp on them.


----------



## cinnamontoast (Oct 24, 2010)

Shoshannah said:


> Pressure will only encourage further hyperkeratinisation!  :lol:


But surely this is what you want?! You've been sloughing off the skin via a ruddy scalpel, woman! I would go for a debridement (you may want a GA for this, I had three, all under GA, all fun!) or at least lots of sedation  Stick the foot in the air or up a wall so gravity can do it's job. Also, take a picture so we can all laugh at you with a leg up the wall! Fun, fun! 



lostbear said:


> As for sudocrem and cling film for equine injuries - is that injuries sustained by equines, or caused by them? Or both?


Je me sais pas! Erm, both? I'm sure that if only I had been smothered in sudocreme and wrapped in cling film, my leg would have been fine, but smooging on cream would have been tricky with all the stuff falling out!  Possibly sustained by equines, therefore!


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## Katherna (Feb 20, 2008)

lostbear said:


> Most probably a hole in your mouth. Losing any sense of time and/or place is not unusual with the threads on this forum. No-one knows why. We suspect that it is a portal to an alternative universe - one where strange things happen and everybody is BFFs.
> 
> Then we wake up, there is no coffee, and we are back to fighting with each other. Still, it was nice while it lasted . . .
> 
> But yes, the advice IS terrific (*koffs modestly*)


Must remember to close my mouth more then .... it's problematic though as laughter is usually present at the same time as coffee.
As for the portal to the alternate universe I think this is probably correct as hours can go by and suddenly I'm back in the real world ... think I prefer the alternate one myself.

Also is my dog vain? Every time he comes in from being in the back garden he HAS to look in the oven door to see his reflection. Is this because of his ears (they're rather large when they're up) or just another 'male' thing I've got to get used to?


----------



## Ceiling Kitty (Mar 7, 2010)

cinnamontoast said:


> Stick the foot in the air or up a wall so gravity can do it's job. Also, take a picture so we can all laugh at you with a leg up the wall! Fun, fun!


Well, okay, never one to turn down a dare.


----------



## cinnamontoast (Oct 24, 2010)

Verrucas are not the only thing to have migrated to your person! Your avatar has also transferred! I fear you are a lost cause


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Katherna said:


> Must remember to close my mouth more then .... it's problematic though as laughter is usually present at the same time as coffee.
> As for the portal to the alternate universe I think this is probably correct as hours can go by and suddenly I'm back in the real world ... think *I prefer the alternate one myself.*
> So do I - I'm trying to but myself a flat there
> 
> ...


You could, however, remind him that size doesn't matter (yet another lie us girls tell blokes because we feel sorry for them . . . )


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

cinnamontoast said:


> Verrucas are not the only thing to have migrated to your person! Your avatar has also transferred! I fear you are a lost cause


I noticed that! Is charlie day emblazoned over every item you own?

RE:verrucae - there was a thread on how to get rid of them a while ago. The mods got fed up with it and closed it, even though it contained some obscure and yet probably life-saving medical suggestions.

Having a rat chew it off, was one of them, as I recall, and using the grinding attachment of a Black and Decker was another. If neither of these work you could look up the thread for further don't-try-this-at-home verruca cures.


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## cheekyscrip (Feb 8, 2010)

Dear Auntie Lustbear,



Religious dilemma...(hope it is right thread?)...my children are brought up in RC...

yesterday little cheeket had his First Communion..allvery nicely, reading and so on...

till I noticed that albeit his big brother went to to communion happily enough...but on the way back from the altar he took selfies on his ipod still with the Host in his mouth!! to send straight to Instagram....







Shall I be happy - he participated !! or be just purely horrified and mortified in front of the whole congregation...



(at least he was quiet...)

!!!


----------



## Blackcats (Apr 13, 2013)

Dear Auntie Lostbear,

Now firstly before I pour my hearts content out to you and pray you'll use some form of magic to answer my problem, I want to say that I am not a tart and what I did was perfectly innocent.

(Okay, scratch that. I'm a big fecking tart and can't help myself)

So as you know the weather has just been pretty damn awesome the past two weeks which usually means me and the OH go for walks, picnics and barbecues. The only problem with this is that he never remembers to pack dessert so I have to hold back the tears on the chocolate cake being left and forgotten in my fridge and find my own selfish pleasures. I'm a addict like that. I just can't wait.

Pretty easy (Still though, I don't know if the chocolate cake would have been better) and...well, you know how it goes. 

Aside from having grass tickling my arse constantly so I had to keep scratching it, not to mention being stung on the arse by a great big bastard nettle, it just got worse.

Seemed we were rudely interrupted and it didn't help when the person seemed very happy to walk continue walking past with a big grin on his face. 

So, it was pretty much heartache after that. My ass was sore and itchy and I still wanted my chocolate cake as I was unsatisfied and hungry. 

Now my OH wants to do go for another walk and I can't bring myself to take of the nun uniform now. It's all about the cake and cake only.

I could say that as a nun I don't do that sot of thing anymore and I'm as hairy as a blokes arse but would the lies work?

HELP.


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## cinnamontoast (Oct 24, 2010)

I find it sticks to the roof of my mouth. My Hare Krishna/possibly Hindu sixth former tells me he went to Mass and took communion. My Christian sixth former and I were gaping at him and he couldn't understand why we were so horrified!


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## cheekyscrip (Feb 8, 2010)

cinnamontoast said:


> I find it sticks to the roof of my mouth. My Hare Krishna/possibly Hindu sixth former tells me he went to Mass and took communion. My Christian sixth former and I were gaping at him and he couldn't understand why we were so horrified!


but Krishna and Jesus are the same -impersonations of God...so all is well..in Hindu...(so they told me..they have hhere Jesus in their Hindu temple...)

I took communion in C of E!!!


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## cinnamontoast (Oct 24, 2010)

Impersonations?!


----------



## Mr Gizmo (Jul 1, 2009)

Shoshannah said:


> Well, okay, never one to turn down a dare.


Big hair.:thumbup1:


----------



## cheekyscrip (Feb 8, 2010)

cinnamontoast said:


> Impersonations?!


sorry..incarnations!!!....I am still recovering from yesterday!!


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

cheekyscrip said:


> Dear Auntie Lustbear,
> 
> Religious dilemma...(hope it is right thread?)...my children are brought up in RC...
> 
> ...


Just look long-suffering and shake your head in a pained way. Dab at a tear in the corner of your eye (if you feel uncomfortable about pretending to have tears, rub your hanky over the cut edge of an onion. Or think about Tony Blair getting back into power or something equally upsetting)

Every parent in that church will rush to your side to sympathise, and to feel smug that it isn't their kid. Don't worry about this - it will be.


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Blackcats said:


> Dear Auntie Lostbear,
> 
> Now firstly before I pour my hearts content out to you and pray you'll use some form of magic to answer my problem, I want to say that I am not a tart and what I did was perfectly innocent.
> 
> ...


Possibly, but I think that the best thing is to pack the cake yourself, and make sure that there is enough for two . . . helpings for yourself. Your partner in sin doesn't deserve ANY - expecting you to do that sort of nettle naughty without even being considerate enough to bring a bar of galaxy, or a hobnob, or even a delicious minty Fry's chocolate cream.

It is well-known that chocolate, in addition to its many other amazing properties (e.g. tastiness, sweetness, mouth-meltyness, chocolateness) contains *theobromine*, the world's most AMAZING chemical whose name actually means "FOOD OF THE GODS" (though this should be "GODDESSES", because there is a definite gender bias when it comes to this most nomnomnomnomiest of delicious morsels.

WHat I suppose I am saying (though I got disgraced when I started to salivate and had to wipe down my keyboard is - if he can't be bothered to woo you with theobromine-related products, you should tell him to get his kinky rocks off somewhere else.

Aberdeen, perhaps.


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

cheekyscrip said:


> but Krishna and Jesus are the same -impersonations of God...so all is well..in Hindu...(so they told me..they have hhere Jesus in their Hindu temple...)
> 
> *I took communion in C of E!!*!


We Anglicans are pretty partisan about it - if you can take it in your own church, you can take it in ours.

The Catholics don't let us have it if we're in their church for any reason, though.


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

cheekyscrip said:


> sorry..incarnations!!!....I am still recovering from yesterday!!


Hahahahahahahahah!


----------



## DoodlesRule (Jul 7, 2011)

Dear Auntie Lostbear

You have faith of the religous type - is it wrong to pray for some sort of pox or pestilence to befall all the irritating spammers cluttering up PF at the moment?

Am I turning into a grumpy old woman thats why they annoy me - if I wasn't at work I would have a gin & tonic 

Yours

Mrs Angry


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## cheekyscrip (Feb 8, 2010)

lostbear said:


> We Anglicans are pretty partisan about it - if you can take it in your own church, you can take it in ours.
> 
> The Catholics don't let us have it if we're in their church for any reason, though.


I cannot take communion in RC either (as being divorced and remarried...)...but I do not care about silly regulations like that..and our priest said he will give it to anyone who is not drunk!!! (as when questioned about the divorced Catholics or..other Christians - we have mixed couples here)...so I saw C of E partaking..and roof did not collapse on them!¬

so there! come sober (or at least walk straight) and you are good!:aureola:


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

DoodlesRule said:


> Dear Auntie Lostbear
> 
> You have faith of the religous type - is it wrong to pray for some sort of pox or pestilence to befall all the irritating spammers cluttering up PF at the moment?
> 
> ...


Dear Mrs Angry

Yes, I'm afraid that is it ethically and morally inappropriate ti pray for a pestilence to befall all irritating spammers etc. It is , however perfectly alright to say to God "An if it please thee, I do solemnly beseech thee to smite them mightily and unleash thine holy wrath upon them, O Lord." Sadly, the Godself rarely chooses to do this, if ever, but you are not at fault because you are leaving it up to divine discretion. And you might feel a bit better.

When you get home have _two _gins and tonic. You will be amazed at how much happier you feel. (Or perhaps you won't)

I content myself with wishing them minor daily irritations, such as not being able to find the TV remote; not noticing that they have cat hair all over their clothes until they actually step into the interview room (or dock, or wherever else you might want to make a particularly good impression on complete strangers); not being able to stop themselves farting loudly in important meetings or when being introduced to royalty - that sort of stuff. I doubt any of that happens either, but it cheers me up to think of it.


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

cheekyscrip said:


> I cannot take communion in RC either (as being divorced and remarried...)..*.but I do not care about silly regulations like that..and our priest said he will give it to anyone who is not drunk!!*! (as when questioned about the divorced Catholics or..other Christians - we have mixed couples here)...so I saw C of E partaking..and roof did not collapse on them!¬
> Good for you, and for your priest. It is a silly regulation. I have a RC friend whose husband left her when their second child was 4 months old. He needed to "find himself" and felt he "wasn't ready to be a father yet" (they already had a six year old). There was no-one else involved. The two of them were divorced several years later and only because Mr I-need-to-become-who-I-am decided he also needed a new wife and asked her to grant him a divorce. He has since remarried, she hasn't.
> 
> But even though
> ...


That would count me out - I'm always tripping up!


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## loopylori (Feb 10, 2014)

thank you auntie lostbear for your advice, which I am diligently going to follow.
I don't want to become a nuisance but I think my problems are far more important than anyone else's.
Is it selfish to drink a bottle of baileys that was given to your OH for christmas. Or is it right and justified because he should have drunk it already instead of leaving it in the fridge teasing me. 
Now this brings me to my other dilemma should I also eat the feckin easter egg (his) as it is sat next to the baileys.


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## cheekyscrip (Feb 8, 2010)

loopylori said:


> thank you auntie lostbear for your advice, which I am diligently going to follow.
> I don't want to become a nuisance but I think my problems are far more important than anyone else's.
> Is it selfish to drink a bottle of baileys that was given to your OH for christmas. Or is it right and justified because he should have drunk it already instead of leaving it in the fridge teasing me.
> Now this brings me to my other dilemma should I also eat the feckin easter egg (his) as it is sat next to the baileys.


...I think yes eat it too...and put some milky sweet coffee in Baileys bottle..(and when itgoes off..show to him and chide him for letting it go to waste...)


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## loopylori (Feb 10, 2014)

cheekyscrip said:


> ...I think yes eat it too...and put some milky sweet coffee in Baileys bottle..(and when itgoes off..show to him and chide him for letting it go to waste...)


Wow what a great idea. Thanks.
Don't let auntie see this, she thinks other people shouldn't be doing her job.But I am hugely impressed.


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## Ceiling Kitty (Mar 7, 2010)

lostbear said:


> I noticed that! Is charlie day emblazoned over every item you own?
> 
> RE:verrucae - there was a thread on how to get rid of them a while ago. The mods got fed up with it and closed it, even though it contained some obscure and yet probably life-saving medical suggestions.
> 
> Having a rat chew it off, was one of them, as I recall, and using the grinding attachment of a Black and Decker was another. If neither of these work you could look up the thread for further don't-try-this-at-home verruca cures.


Ha ha no, the only items upon which he is emblazoned are my avatar and _that_ T-shirt - which my mum bought me as a piss-take and which you'll be pleased to know I never wear outside the house! :lol:

I'm not convinced that a Black and Decker is a good idea, especially since a mere scalpel blade caused substantial haemorrhage!


----------



## cinnamontoast (Oct 24, 2010)

Substantial haemorrhage??  My OH reminded me of arriving in hospital when I was taken in and telling me I'd made a mess on the floor-all over the floor! 

I think a sander is next! Do you have any raspberry jam?


----------



## Jonescat (Feb 5, 2012)

I can't decide whether I am charmed or terrified by the images conjured up by "Auntie Lustbear". 

However, I would like to ask if you have any views on what might have happened to Mr Snuffles and Fluffy? I like to think that after their tiff, they kissed made up and skipped off to the pampas together. However now I am worried that Mr Fluffy may have been radicalised and joined the Monotreme Movement. He does send occasional cryptic postcards, as if to keep me begging for more, and I have seen that all the ponies have been liberated to the local Red Cross shop. It is all so confusing.


----------



## Ceiling Kitty (Mar 7, 2010)

cinnamontoast said:


> Substantial haemorrhage??  My OH reminded me of arriving in hospital when I was taken in and telling me I'd made a mess on the floor-all over the floor!
> 
> I think a sander is next! Do you have any raspberry jam?


Look, I'm sorry, but I could have died last night. Some sympathy would be nice.


----------



## Ceiling Kitty (Mar 7, 2010)

shoshannah said:


> look, i'm sorry, but i could have died last night. Some sympathy would be nice.


..............

..............

.............. Pmsl.


----------



## northnsouth (Nov 17, 2009)

loopylori said:


> thank you auntie lostbear for your advice, which I am diligently going to follow.
> I don't want to become a nuisance but I think my problems are far more important than anyone else's.
> Is it selfish to drink a bottle of baileys that was given to your OH for christmas. Or is it right and justified because he should have drunk it already instead of leaving it in the fridge teasing me.
> *Now this brings me to my other dilemma should I also eat the feckin easter egg (his) as it is sat next to the baileys*.


Sorry! an Easter Egg still in your fridge? Eat it woman.. NOW


----------



## SusieRainbow (Jan 21, 2013)

Shoshannah said:


> Look, I'm sorry, but I could have died last night. Some sympathy would be nice.


....and possibly made medical history - the first person to have died from a verucca ! Would they call it 'Shoshanna Syndrome ' in the textbooks ?

Some sympathy - Awwwwwwwwwwwwww !


----------



## cinnamontoast (Oct 24, 2010)

Shoshannah said:


> Look, I'm sorry, but I could have died last night. Some sympathy would be nice.


No, you're right  I had a verruca who quickly invited some mates to sublet my foot and I walked funny for aaaages! It's no fun trying to walk sideways when you're not a crab  As a child, I was humiliated by wearing the sock of shame to the weekly swimming lessons because of another verruca-the grandfather, one presumes.

I think acid is a way forward, certainly it works but it stings like a demon. Do you have acid at work? A podiatrist I visited used it on me. I still think jam is the solution, though!


----------



## staffgirl (May 1, 2013)

Jonescat said:


> I can't decide whether I am charmed or terrified by the images conjured up by "Auntie Lustbear".
> 
> However, I would like to ask if you have any views on what might have happened to Mr Snuffles and Fluffy? I like to think that after their tiff, they kissed made up and skipped off to the pampas together. However now I am worried that Mr Fluffy may have been radicalised and joined the Monotreme Movement. He does send occasional cryptic postcards, as if to keep me begging for more, and I have seen that all the ponies have been liberated to the local Red Cross shop. It is all so confusing.


I am in a vacuum of loneliness since my dear Miss Fluffy racked off with Mr Snuffles. I did write to Auntie Lostbear/Lobster/Lustbear recently for advice as I have turned to continuously eating Twinkies in a desperate attempt to allay my sadness, but she was not very forthcoming. *sob* I wonder if the crustacean in her with it's lack of limbic brain struggles with matters of the heart. And I'm afraid to ask what a Lustbear would advise....


----------



## Zaros (Nov 24, 2009)

Dear Aunty lostbear,

How do you stop condoms from squeaking.

The noise really puts me off my stroke.

So to speak. :wink:


----------



## staffgirl (May 1, 2013)

zaros said:


> dear aunty lostbear,
> 
> how do you stop condoms from squeaking.
> 
> ...


fnarghhhhhhhh!!!!!!!


----------



## Ceiling Kitty (Mar 7, 2010)

SusieRainbow said:


> ....and possibly made medical history - the first person to have died from a verucca ! Would they call it 'Shoshanna Syndrome ' in the textbooks ?
> 
> Some sympathy - Awwwwwwwwwwwwww !


I'm glad someone around here is taking me seriously, thank you SusieRainbow. :thumbup1:


----------



## Ceiling Kitty (Mar 7, 2010)

cinnamontoast said:


> No, you're right  I had a verruca who quickly invited some mates to sublet my foot and I walked funny for aaaages! It's no fun trying to walk sideways when you're not a crab  As a child, I was humiliated by wearing the sock of shame to the weekly swimming lessons because of another verruca-the grandfather, one presumes.
> 
> I think acid is a way forward, certainly it works but it stings like a demon. Do you have acid at work? A podiatrist I visited used it on me. I still think jam is the solution, though!


I don't even know where I got these. I don't tend to go swimming, on account of not being able to swim.

How will the jam help? You should probably know that I didn't catch most of the verruca thread. I have silver nitrate, I wonder if that would work?


----------



## Rafa (Jun 18, 2012)

Zaros said:


> Dear Aunty lostbear,
> 
> How do you stop condoms from squeaking.
> 
> ...


Now, Man Up!!

The obvious answer to a squeaky condom is ............... Don't Use One!!

What the heck is an unwanted pregnancy when compared against the wear and tear on your poor nerves?

I do not know how you poor men get from one day to the next, I really don't.

I'm certain Auntie Lustbear will be along soon with some sage words for you, gleaned from her own experience of a condom which will just not shut the Hell up.

Hang on in there will you?


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

loopylori said:


> thank you auntie lostbear for your advice, which I am diligently going to follow.
> I don't want to become a nuisance but *I think my problems are far more important than anyone else's.*
> 
> Of course you do - and I don't blame you for a moment.
> ...


Yes. Leave a dead ant in the fridge among the empty tinfoil. Accuse him of not clearing that ant's nest out in the garden - now the little buggers are in the sodding FRIDGE for God' sake.

Blame him for not eating the easter egg - that's obviously what lured an ENTIRE NEST of ants into the house. Your lucky they didn't take everything in the fridge. God knows where the little bleeders are hiding now - could be under the floorboards or anything. You can only hope that they have taken the egg outside to feed to their ant-children, otherwise it could go bad under the floorboards and then the place will reek of decaying chocolate.

Insist on sorting the whole damn thing out yourself. You don't need his help, - he's caused enough damage - but the least he can do is give you twenty quid for ant-killer. Use the money to buy more Bailey's and drink that as well.


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

cheekyscrip said:


> ...I think yes eat it too...and *put some milky sweet coffee in Baileys bottle*..(and when itgoes off..show to him and chide him for letting it go to waste...)


An even better idea than mine


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

loopylori said:


> Wow what a great idea. Thanks.
> Don't let auntie see this, she thinks other people shouldn't be doing her job.But *I am hugely impressed.*


Huh, Wait till you see my answer.


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Jonescat said:


> I can't decide whether I am charmed or terrified by the images conjured up by "Auntie Lustbear".
> 
> *However, I would like to ask if you have any views on what might have happened to Mr Snuffles and Fluffy?* I like to think that after their tiff, they kissed made up and skipped off to the pampas together. However now I am worried that Mr Fluffy may have been radicalised and joined the Monotreme Movement. He does send occasional cryptic postcards, as if to keep me begging for more, and I have seen that all the ponies have been liberated to the local Red Cross shop. It is all so confusing.


Have you checked their Facebook pages?


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

staffgirl said:


> *I am in a vacuum of loneliness since my dear Miss Fluffy racked off with Mr Snuffles.*
> 
> Anteaters are notoriously fickle
> 
> ...


You are right to be afraid.. . . . . . . . . . . .


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Zaros said:


> Dear Aunty lostbear,
> 
> *How do you stop condoms from squeaking.*
> 
> ...


Wrap them in cotton wool.


----------



## cinnamontoast (Oct 24, 2010)

Shoshannah said:


> I don't even know where I got these. I don't tend to go swimming, on account of not being able to swim.
> 
> How will the jam help? You should probably know that I didn't catch most of the verruca thread. I have silver nitrate, I wonder if that would work?


No, this will not help unless your verruca is a vampire, in which case you're sorted. Silver spray has it's place, but this place is not on a verruca! You need an emery board, my sweet, this is less vicious and more enticing to the verruca :yesnod:


----------



## Ceiling Kitty (Mar 7, 2010)

cinnamontoast said:


> No, this will not help unless your verruca is a vampire, in which case you're sorted. Silver spray has it's place, but this place is not on a verruca! You need an emery board, my sweet, this is less vicious and more enticing to the verruca :yesnod:


Ah well, I've used a pumice stone loads of times.

I'm seriously considering the silver nitrate - won't that cauterise the infected cells? :shocked:


----------



## cinnamontoast (Oct 24, 2010)

Not unless you dig deep! The root is too embedded to be affected unless you expose it, ouch, ouch!


----------



## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

After spending far too much time in the garden over the last three days, doing an awful lot of weeding, and lumping about heavy stuff, my back is really quite sore this morning. Now years ago, in another country, the village elders offered advice to a young lady who suffered terrible back pains when, how shall we say delicately, ehem, during that *time* of a month. The elders advised that the only way to stop the pain, was to sleep with them all. 

Can you tell me Aunty Lostbear, would this work? There's a fair few blokes in the village, not sure which ones are the elders, but I could find out......


----------



## cinnamontoast (Oct 24, 2010)

Could you recruit some friends to help, perhaps?


----------



## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

cinnamontoast said:


> Could you recruit some friends to help, perhaps?


Help find the village elders? Or do you mean *friends with benefits*


----------



## cinnamontoast (Oct 24, 2010)

To effect the cure!! I'm sure you can search out the village elders most successfully without help.


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> After spending far too much time in the garden over the last three days, doing an awful lot of weeding, and lumping about heavy stuff, my back is really quite sore this morning. Now years ago, in another country, the village elders offered advice to a young lady who suffered terrible back pains when, how shall we say delicately, ehem, during that *time* of a month. The elders advised that the only way to stop the pain, was to sleep with them all.
> 
> Can you tell me Aunty Lostbear, would this work? There's a fair few blokes in the village, not sure which ones are the elders, but I could find out......


You will find that your back pain will get worse if you sleep with all of them (unless of course, you actually do sleep, and nothing else, in which case if some of them have decent mattresses, you may notice an improvement)

No -if you with to try this folk remedy (and remember, there's nowt so queer as folk) I suggest that you only sleep with the dishy ones (if any). Your back may or may not get better, but at least you'll have enjoyed yourself.

Or buy a "Deep Heat" spray.


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## loopylori (Feb 10, 2014)

thank you all for the great advice. I have washed the chocolate down with the baileys. Yummy but no-one told me easter eggs could give you a cotton wool head and make the bed spin. 

I have advice for the verruca. Bazooka it,not that rubbish you get from the chemist. A real bazooka that you can buy from any reputable criminal. Shoot the bar steward. OK you may lose a foot or two if you shoot above the knee, but the verruca should begone unless them roots are longer than normal.

personally I would sleep with them all. The ugly ones make more effort than the good looking ones.


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

loopylori said:


> thank you all for the great advice. I have washed the chocolate down with the baileys. Yummy but *no-one told me easter eggs could give you a cotton wool head and make the bed spin. *
> They are more dangerous than people realise.
> 
> I have advice for the verruca. Bazooka it,not that rubbish you get from the chemist. *A real bazooka that you can buy from any reputable criminal. Shoot the bar steward.*
> ...


Dunno about that - they all tend to think that they are God's gift and you are lucky to get close to their test-tickles.


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## loopylori (Feb 10, 2014)

Gosh modestly takes a bow and makes a two hour speech. I have always been told I am special by my teachers.
Auntie lostbear, I appreciate your high praise but this grasshopper has a long way to go to reach even a small measure of your wisdom and inner beauty and practical advice.
For now I will continue to watch and learn. Occasionally I will exhibit signs of my true humble magnificent genius.


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

loopylori said:


> Gosh modestly takes a bow and makes a two hour speech. I have always been told I am special by my teachers.
> Auntie lostbear, I appreciate your high praise but this grasshopper has a long way to go to reach even a small measure of your wisdom and inner beauty and practical advice.
> For now I will continue to watch and learn. Occasionally I will exhibit signs of my true humble magnificent genius.


Your modesty does you great credit, little one. I will teach you all I know. Let me know when you've got 10 minutes to spare.


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