# Does it ever stop hurting?!



## sami87 (Aug 27, 2010)

My beautiful girl, Millie, was PTS on 21st December 2010. 

I wasn't there. I wanted to be. She was ripped away from me by my mother and whisked away to Surrey, where she didn't return from. I begged her from the car park floor, screaming through tears, to at least hold her if/when the time came. She didn't. 

The entire month before I was always forcing my mother to acknowledge the fact Millie was poorly and to take her to the vets, to push for a better diagnosis because she kept relapsing, but she didn't. Even when she was shaking on the sofa when I went to visit she wouldn't ****ing listen to me. She never told me anything unless Millie ended up in the vets emergency admission again. 

I blame myself for not being stronger and taking her myself. I was stupid to trust her judgement. 

I didn't hear anything from midday until 5pm. By which time she had gone. The only memory I have other than the last time I saw her, is waking up at around 4pm after passing out from crying so much, and saying that I knew she had passed. She actually went at 3.20pm. 

Since then, I've been basically on a suicide mission which nearly worked... It wasn't intentional, but I fell into the bottle and as is the nature with these things, you just need more and more until your system gives out. 

This is the first time I've been 'present' / sober / whatever you want to call it, since this happened and it's coming back, HARD. All I can think of is the last time I saw her. Only she wasn't there anymore. It was like she had dementia. She was so disorientated and frail and jesus christ...... sorry.

I'm SO ANGRY and it HURTS and I don't think I'll be sober much longer at this rate. 

My question is, am I over-reacting? Does it get easier? Will I ever be able to feel less like I murdered her by neglect? 

I'm sorry if this isn't the right place, or it's inappropriate. I really have no idea where to turn right now and I'm falling apart.


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## Cromford (Nov 12, 2012)

I hope it does but my own loss is too recent to be sure. 

What I do know is that I'm gradually getting the occasional happy memory invading the pain, so that at least makes me hopeful.


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## kate_7590 (Feb 28, 2009)

I lost my dog Feb 2008, and I still think about her, but I know I was right to let her go, she wouldnt of gotten better and I keep that in my mind that I let her go before she suffered too much.
Her memory lives on in my current dogs though.

It gets easier, but you never stop remembering, not if they meant alot to you.


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## LPC (Jul 22, 2012)

sami87, how you react to the passing over of your dear pet - who was clearly much loved by you - is very important. Try to put aside feelings of anger and suicidal thoughts. These are very negative and will not help either you or Milly.

Instead, try to remember all the happy times you had together. No-one, but no-one, can take these away. Concentrate on these, even if they make you cry at times.

As you and Milly loved each other, rest assured that it's not a case of "Farewell" but rather of "See you later". If you feel in need of a chat at any time, you can always contact me via my website.


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## jenniferx (Jan 23, 2009)

Sami87- I'm sorry to hear about the loss of Millie. It sounds as though you loved her very much. Was she an old dog at the time of her passing? 

It also sounds like you are trying to deal with quite a lot- the grief, the guilt and betrayal of your mother not to give you the opportunity to be with her at the end. 

Grief is a natural process- I do not think you are over-reacting, but I would say that it is not healthy for this to turn into substance abuse. As it has been two years now and your feelings are as raw and detrimental to your life as they appear to be, have you thought about speaking to your GP for clinical advice and professional support?


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## Knightofalbion (Jul 3, 2012)

sami87 said:


> The only memory I have other than the last time I saw her, is waking up at around 4pm after passing out from crying so much, and saying that I knew she had passed. She actually went at 3.20pm.


I strongly suspect that she had visited you in spirit.


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## 1966 kerry (Jul 31, 2012)

dear sami, im so sorry to hear about your beloved millie and how hurt you are feeling, I cry everyday for my beloved patterdale terrier which i pts in july, I had to make an urgent decision and I question myself everyday.I know alcohol may help you forget but all its does is make you feel alot worse when you wake up, please try and get some help before you hurt yourself, I have no words of wisdom regarding your pain but I really think you needto talk to someone to help, please take care


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## rose (Apr 29, 2009)

I have lost many pets (I am a lot older than you!) I have had beloved dogs PTS.
also had 2 beautiful dogs die naturally in my arms. I have picked up the mangled remains of my gorgeous year old tabby boy from the road, and given permission for my last beautiful boy Freddie to be PTS after a bump with a car.
Never a day goes by when I dont think of one or the other, never a night when I dont think what if I had this or done that. 

Guilt is part of the grieving process, its natural - its just because we care and want them back. 

Please dont beat yourself up, it wont help anyone, losing pets is an inevitable part of owning them, all people will out live most of their pets. You were unable to do anymore for your beloved pet, you loved them and tried your best.
Please try and think of the happier times. Take care xx


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## Colliebarmy (Sep 27, 2012)

If it doesnt hurt did you really care?

does it ever go away?....a little bit more every day as life moves on, then you still remember

http://www.petforums.co.uk/rainbow-bridge/264453-forever-sadie-day.html


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## Knightofalbion (Jul 3, 2012)

sami87 said:


> I'm SO ANGRY and it HURTS and I don't think I'll be sober much longer at this rate.
> 
> My question is, am I over-reacting? Does it get easier? Will I ever be able to feel less like I murdered her by neglect?
> 
> I'm sorry if this isn't the right place, or it's inappropriate. I really have no idea where to turn right now and I'm falling apart.


No, you're not overreacting. Grief effects people in many different ways. 
Your response just shows me how much you loved Millie.

Yes, it does get better. In time, the sorrow at the loss is replaced by happiness through remembering the good times you shared.
(Always remember departed loved ones with a happy smile and a happy heart, for that is surely what they want.)

Animals have souls just as we do. After death, all animals who have felt the warmth of human love and kindness retain their individuality.

When your time comes all those you have loved and who have loved you (who have passed over), be they human or animal, will be there to greet you.

As for your 'troubled thoughts'. We are born into this life for a purpose. Some lesson we need to learn, some mission we have been entrusted to perform. 
Life is a gift. Nobody said it would be easy. It isn't. Many trials and tribulations. But through it all the soul emerges the stronger.

Take my advice, empty those bottles down the sink. Otherwise they will wreck your life.

Millie is safely gathered in and fine, so don't you worry about her. And you will be alright too. So lift up your heart and be the person you were destined to be.


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## jill3 (Feb 18, 2009)

I am so sorry for your loss of Millie.
It's heart breaking loosing a pet and especially when your mother doesn't understand how much you loved Millie.
I think sometimes you have to for give and stop the anger that is eating you up inside.
Some people do not have the love for animals. I think that it's a pity that they cannot feel the emotions of love that we have for our pets. 
It wasn't your fault.
Millie would not want you to suffer and abuse yourself like you have been doing with the drink.
Like knightofalbion said Throw away the bottles.
I think talking to a pet bereavement will really help you. I think the PDSA have one or they can put you in touch with one.
There is one thing for sure you didn't Murder her. Things were taken out of your hands. Please don't blame yourself.
If you need to talk we are all on here to help.
Please keep in touch and let us know how you are.
I am a worrier but also a good listener xx


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## Summersky (Aug 11, 2012)

I am so sorry for your loss. You clearly loved Millie very much, and had a close bond with heer - otherwise you would not have instictly known when she had moved on. 

Your Millie is safe. Hang on to that. She is at the Bridge. You will meet again. But it is not your time yet.

The reason you feel so bad right now, is that you have not had chance to work through the natural stages of grief while you were self medicating. Drink may have helped numb things, but it can't help long term, sadly.

So - what now?

Firstly, hang on to the fact that Millie is fine. You loved her, and could not bear to see her suffer. I understand that. But you were not in control - there was nothing you could do. Also remember that guilt is a natural part of grief. 

Now think of Millie. She loved you -and she would not want you suffering like this. So somehow, you need to find the strength to begin to move forward.

To do this, you may need help from others.

First, contact a pet bereavement service. They will help with your loss.

If you feel your dependency on drink is out of control, go to your GP for help. Contact AA. Whoever you feel best talking to.

Take care.


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## sami87 (Aug 27, 2010)

Wow. Thank you so much everyone. I really didn't expect this. 

I just popped on here to clarify that I'm not suicidal or pounding a bottle of whiskey a night anymore. I was up until earlier this year, then I got some help. 

I'm 20 weeks and 5 days sober, and I'm doing it for Millie. 

Also emailed the Blue Cross so I won't be wailing on here much more! 

Now I've done the breakfast routine with Lily I'm going back to bed. Thank you again everyone. You're all wonderful people and I'm sorry I can't reply individually on my phone.


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## MrsLen (Sep 3, 2012)

sami87 said:


> My beautiful girl, Millie, was PTS on 21st December 2010.
> 
> I wasn't there. I wanted to be. She was ripped away from me by my mother and whisked away to Surrey, where she didn't return from. I begged her from the car park floor, screaming through tears, to at least hold her if/when the time came. She didn't.
> 
> ...


My heart goes out to you, it really does. Losing a pet is agonising and having them put to sleep is one of the most difficult and upsetting experiences I think any animal-lover will ever go through. It will be 11 weeks this week since we had to have our beloved Molly PTS and I still cry every day but it will get easier, I can assure you of that.

The first few weeks after our Molly passed were very dark days indeed. I didn't think I would ever stop crying, or that the pain would ever ease. I felt immense guilt - guilt that I hadn't acted sooner and guilt that we had her PTS. Like you, Molly didn't live with me, she lived with my parents and I had known for months that her time had come but I didn't have the strength to make the decision. I left it up to my parents and we all know that we left it too late but that can't be changed and you mustn't blame yourself - or your mum - for this because it's not an easy decision to make. Especially when you love someone as much as you loved Millie. It sounds like your mum was perhaps in denial, like mine was.

I know you would have liked to have been with Millie at the end but please don't beat yourself up about it. Having experienced it for myself, I can tell you I found the whole thing extremely traumatic and I don't know if I would do it again. I had flashbacks for weeks afterwards.

Millie is now in a better place, young and strong again and free of any pain. It hurts beyond belief that she is no longer with you but you must now try and make her proud by being as brave and strong as she was. As much as you loved each other in life, remember that love ever dies - Millie has taken it with her on the next part of her journey and it will live on in your heart until you meet again. Grieve for her because this is perfectly normal to do - grieve as much as and as long as is necessary. It is completely normal to feel angry - I was absolutely furious at first - but this will pass. I'm really glad that you've contacted the Blue Cross because they are brilliant and helped me enormously. You've done the right thing by reaching out. Just make sure you get the help you need with the drinking because I'm sure Millie wouldn't want you to suffer like this.

It's completely unfair but life does go on. You must now live your life the best way you can. For Millie.

Take good care of yourself and let us know how you're doing. On this forum you will find so many kind people who know exactly how you're feeling so you are not alone x


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## BabyBella (Nov 5, 2012)

Sami be strong xxx

I pray for your and send you all my love.

I also lost a pet when I was younger a kitty, and I have lots of things to blame myself for.

All you need to do know is keep your lovely memories and your love for you dog and be strong.

Try to forget the regrets, the pain will go in time, but if you keep the love you will forever remember your best friend.

I cried for years and years and it was hard to even remember, but look at me now, I write here and I am happy to say I still love my baby boy.

Lots of love x


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## thorex (Sep 19, 2012)

Millie will be so proud of you.
I can't say it gets better because I don't think it does, they take a piece of your heart and you will never get it back until you meet again.
My boys crossed to the Rainbow Bridge, my darling Rex (dec 2010) and his brother, my teddy Thor (Feb 2011), no a day goes by when I don't feel a pain in my chest, an emptiness in my heart....I wish I could have them back, just once more, to kiss them, cuddle them....:crying::crying: to tell them that one day we will be together again, forever....
RIP my darling Rex and Thor, with all my love, until we meet again.
Mummy:crying::crying:


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## MrsLen (Sep 3, 2012)

I don't think the grief ever truly goes away, you just learn to live with it. I read this recently, by the poet Elizabeth Jennings, which I think says it all:

Time does not heal, it makes a half-stitched scar
That can be broken and you feel
Grief as total as its first hour

I think we can all relate to this. I go about my daily business with Molly in my mind and heart and no one's any the wiser - unless someone asks about her, or mentions her. And then the floodgates open and it feels as painful as the day she left me! 

xxxx


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## LPC (Jul 22, 2012)

Sami, I'm delighted that you have given up drinking and are getting help. That is wonderful news. I'm sorry that my reply was not as long as many others. Unfortunately, I was very busy at the time. But I send you my warmest best wishes for the future.

The quality of the replies you have have received is truly phenomenal. I wanted to "like" every one! You certainly came to the right place.


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## Summersky (Aug 11, 2012)

Well done Sammie - now you stay strong - like you say, do it for Millie, but do it for yourself too.

And in time, who knows, you will be able to offer support to someone else going through something similar.


And remember - in time, there may just be another doggy friend in need waiting for you out there.


Take care, 

x


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## happysaz133 (Jun 5, 2008)

I'm so sorry  it does get easier, but you will never stop missing her, and I'm sad to say, probably never stop feeling bad over the way she died too. I lost my girl in 2011, after she broke her back. The vet was 3 and a half hours away and recommended I get a local game keeper to end her life. I couldn't be with her when it happened, and I feel guilty and horrible everytime I think about her. It is a little easier, as in, I know she will be at peace in a better place, but the horrible heavy heart feeling has never left me yet. I'll be honest, the few weeks after her death I felt much the same way you have been feeling. It was another desperate homeless little dog that got me out of that slump.

I've lost other dogs before, those deaths were easier as they were all 14 and had long lives. Maddy was only 4. I think you just have to think about her being in a much happier place now.

*hugs*


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## sami87 (Aug 27, 2010)

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!!

It can't have been easy to share your stories and I truly appreciate it. It is very helpful to know I'm not alone in this feeling - and that I'm not the only one that's had to go through the PTS situation. 

Please don't worry about the length of replies - honestly, I find the longer ones overwhelming but that's just the M.E./CFS making my life difficult. 

I had a lovely reply from the Blue Cross yesterday but I haven't had it in me to reply just yet, but I will. I think I'll go see my GP again about getting some sort of support/anti-depressants for the really hard part - late November/December. 

I do hope one day I'll be in a position to help/offer support to someone else that has lost their furry friend. 

For now, I'm just taking each hour as it comes and focusing on Lily. She got some new toys from ZooPlus so she's been running me ragged!!


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## dogandbone (Apr 21, 2010)

Good luck Sami, keep on being strong. It's hard to try and keep things together sometimes I know, I was in a similar situation several years ago.
Just remember, you're not alone x


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## Lopside (Mar 20, 2012)

I lost my two year old collie last year to a rare brain condition, I had to have him PTS, I had no other option, I know that, but it is so painful to think of him going, and what he suffered through his illness yet he was so loyal. You hit depths of despair that are unreal, and you have happy memories but then the painful ones take over. As time goes by you can remember them with less pain, but I think it always stays with you. You sound like you are angry with your mum for pushing you out so you have grief and anger to deal with . 
It will get easier in my experience, I got a new dog, he's completely different to my last collie, but he fills my days and he's a new life to love. I still miss Blue, but to my new dog, I am his world Dogs live in the moment, they can teach us a few wise lessons!


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