# Problems bonding with cat - adopter's regret



## ariadne (Oct 24, 2012)

Hi all,

New to this forum and posting to ask for honest and hopefully non-judgemental advice. My husband and I thought about adopting a cat for around three years but weren't able to because we were renting. Now we have a house and garden. I have always been a cat person - I adored our family cat and fostered a cat 3 years ago whom I loved too. We finally took the plunge 2 weeks ago and I think I'm regretting it. The one year old cat we have adopted is affectionate (though bites sometimes and without any apparent reason), uses the litter box properly and is not overly destructive - just usual kitty antics with scratching up things mildly, but nothing terrible. I bought her everything she could possibly need, researched the best food and nursed her through an upper respiratory infection last week which started to show itself within two days of adoption. The problem is that I just don't feel for her any of what I have felt for my other pets in the past. Before her I had two rats for two years whom I loved like children and grieved for terribly when they died.

I don't love this cat; I don't even feel the love coming. I care about her wellbeing and don't want her to be sad or hurt or lonely, but I don't look forward to seeing her like I used to with my other pets. My main concern is to feed her and entertain her and stroke her if she wants it but my heart's not in it. Is it too early to be expecting this bond? 

I feel so sad. I had so looked forward to having a cat and I feel nothing except anxiety and a nagging feeling that I shouldn't have done it, despite the 3 years + of planning it all. The thought of 12-20 years with an animal that I don't feel much for makes me feel very sad.

Advice so gratefully appreciated.

- A


----------



## Jenny1966 (Feb 7, 2011)

what a sad post.

I'm really not sure what to say to be honest ...... I bonded with both my cats the moment they entered my life, and I know I would be lost without them.


Maybe the fact your cat hasnt been that well has affected how you feel, though the fact you nursed her is a good sign 


I think maybe give it a bit more time ...... but in all honesty if it continues like it is, especially as you say you dont love her and you dont look foward to seeing her, then I would seriously consider finding her a home where she will receive the loves she deserves.

Good luck


----------



## Guest (Oct 24, 2012)

Do you still respond to other cats? You chose this one, so I don't understand. Was it due to the biting? Is the cat seeking you out, and curling up with you, or is it a non cuddly cat? What makes you feel you can't see the affection improving?


----------



## dougal22 (Jun 18, 2010)

ariadne said:


> Hi all,
> 
> New to this forum and posting to ask for honest and hopefully non-judgemental advice. My husband and I thought about adopting a cat for around three years but weren't able to because we were renting. Now we have a house and garden. I have always been a cat person - I adored our family cat and fostered a cat 3 years ago whom I loved too. We finally took the plunge 2 weeks ago and I think I'm regretting it. The one year old cat we have adopted is affectionate (though bites sometimes and without any apparent reason), uses the litter box properly and is not overly destructive - just usual kitty antics with scratching up things mildly, but nothing terrible. I bought her everything she could possibly need, researched the best food and nursed her through an upper respiratory infection last week which started to show itself within two days of adoption. The problem is that I just don't feel for her any of what I have felt for my other pets in the past. Before her I had two rats for two years whom I loved like children and grieved for terribly when they died.
> 
> ...


You might be expecting too much too soon. People don't fall in love with other people instantly, so why would you have instant love for a cat? We get to know people and animals, know their ways, their quirks and that's what makes us love them. Love grows, it doesn't have to be an instant thing.

I have five cats. I love different things about each of them and the degree of my feelings towards them is totally different. One of them completely has my heart. I love him more than anything in the world, I kid you not. I never imagined how intense a person's feelings can be for an animal. Just because I don't feel this overwhelming emotion for the others doesn't mean I don't love them. I do, just not in the same way.

Time will tell in this instance. Don't give up on her. She needs you now. The love will come, even if it's not all consuming love. There are different types, and TBH, the all consuming love is a bit 'insane' :lol:


----------



## ariadne (Oct 24, 2012)

She curls up with me and is pleased to see me - she just randomly grabs my arm and bites me when lying on me- she did it just 30 seconds ago, not super hard, just enough to be very unpleasant. I squeak loudly and say "No" and she seems to get the message but it does make things a bit stressful not knowing if she's going to bite me again. I think what I am trying to express is that I was expecting to feel an intensity of emotion for her which I felt for other animals in the past and it seems just to not be there. I really want it to come. I think Jenny1966 may be right when she says that the cat's illness early on meant I started to associate her with a very stressful situation - our vet visit was deeply traumatic. I feel she's bored even though I have bought her lots of toys and play with her lots during the day. I've also installed a pet door so she can go out into our garden and see the world, moved chairs next to windows so she can spy on things. I think I just need to give it time. Change is hard for people and cats, I guess. Hopefully she'll get the message about the biting and stop. It may be playful/affectionate, but I definitely don't want to encourage it. Thanks for your replies - they're really helpful.


----------



## MollyMilo (Feb 16, 2012)

oh how very sad 

We had a very similar situation here a few months ago, where a lovely lady was getting siamese kittens and she was so excited! then when they came, it was all a total anticlimax and she couldnt give them the forever home that she thought she could.

I don't understand though, Did you love her in the rescue home? I fell in love with mine the second i saw them and loved them even though they were not even home yet!


----------



## JordanRose (Mar 10, 2012)

I'm sorry to hear you feel this way about your new addition, it's such a shame 

As hard as it sounds, I'd give it time. She may not be a 'cuddly' cat at the moment, but having only had her 2 weeks, she'll still be settling in and her character will still be developing.

I adored Spooks as soon as I met him, and felt he chose me. I work at the shelter where I got him from, and even though I love all of the cats we have in, I've never felt like that about any others. That's how I knew he was mine. (I know it sounds cheesy, but I'm a believer in this...) Would you say your cat chose you, or was it the other way round? 

I also want to let you know that it's not all that uncommon to experience a sense of regret within the first few weeks. We've had people like this at the shelter, and with a bit of perserverence they've bonded and the cats have become much loved family members. 

I hope this is the case for you, it sounds as though you're just overwhelmed at the moment, that should ease in time  Sending hugs! x


----------



## Lel (Mar 21, 2012)

Sorry you are in this position. Perhaps the illness has taken the fun out of it.

Could you tell us how you chose her (or maybe she chose you)? Maybe reflecting on that may help you answer your own question to some extent?


----------



## Jenny1966 (Feb 7, 2011)

Do you know her past history? 

I think the fact that the vet visit was very traumatic speaks volumes. A trip to the vet is never an easy thing even with cats you have had for years 


I really do think you need to give it time, it sounds like you have given her everything she needs, and the fact she comes to you for cuddles is really good .... even if at the moment she bites! My Molly does this, but you get to know the signs and move your arm quick 

It's still very early days, try and enjoy her


----------



## Jiskefet (May 15, 2011)

Why did you pick this particular cat?
When I pick a cat, I usually hang around at the rescue or shelter for ages, having a meet& greet with all the cats, and seeing which cats respond to me, and which cats I respond to. 

Cats are like people, there are some you feel attracted to straight away, some you have known for years before you form a bond, and some that are simply not your type. 


And it may simply be a matter of expecting too much. You have been looking forward to having a cat so much that you 'need' it to be perfect straight from the start. The sensation of having a cat must live up to all your memories. Only, these memories have become rather rose-colored and gilded over the years, and no flesh-and-blood cat could live up to such an idealized memory.

Your other pets did not have to live up so such irrealistic expectations, which is why you could bond with them more easily.


It is the same kind of story you sometimes hear from young mothers, who have been wanting a baby for years. And when they finally have one, it turns out not to be this gigantic pink fluffy cloud they dreamed of. They (subconsciously) imagined everything in their lives would simply fall into place once the baby was there, and of course, it doesn't.

I had a similar experience with slimming. I felt very bad about being fat, and thought my life would be so much better if I could be slim again. Then I managed to lose 22 kgs, and though I felt a lot better, looked a lot better, and was truly proud of myself, it did not bring me the changes I thought it would. For a lot of other issues in my life still remained
It took me some time to realize that a lot of feelings and problems I had been subconsciously attributing to my weight problem, didn't stem from it at all, or at least would not disappear together with the weight.

My low self esteem may in part have been caused by being fat, but being slim did not rid me of it.


----------



## groundhogdaze (Nov 12, 2009)

Cat biting is a sign of affection and play, the one yr old you have is probably still very playful or already displaying affection to you. We took on a 2 yr old who had a few problems and was very stand-offish when we got her. Now she's full of cuddles, affection and fun. She still gives love bites but not hard ones. It takes time to bond, maybe you are making comparisons with past cats too quickly and want her to have their personality? This cat has clearly taken to you very quickly, maybe you should take the time to get used to her personality. I hope it works out for all of you.


----------



## Treaclesmum (Sep 26, 2011)

It could be that you might be scared deep down that you could lose her, based on the stressful vet visit you had, so you're trying to protect yourself against that?

I think I was a bit like that at first with Treacle, as we had lost cats before (in old age) and he was a rather weak and sick kitten. You just need time to get to know your cat xx


----------



## ariadne (Oct 24, 2012)

Thanks again for all the reponses. We met her once at the shelter where she was very skittish, but interested in us and did some head rubbing on our hands. We weren't taken to a private room to meet her - we met her in a concrete alleyway between two rows of other cages with cats in, so understandably she found it hard to focus on us. She seemed bright and alert as well as interested to meet us and I knew I wanted to rescue a cat rather than get a kitten. I used to volunteer for a cat adoption project and I know how hard it can be to get cats adopted when there are kittens to choose. So I guess there weren't any fireworks when we met, as it were, just a nervy cat in weird surroundings who nevertheless seemed to have the potential to be affectionate. I wish I could say I rushed the decision to adopt but I didn't - it was a decision years in the making. Maybe it's more that I went into it with so many preconceived ideas it's been counterproductive and has stopped me taking my new girl on her own merits. It's not fair to expect her to be an amalgam of other cats I've loved and lost.


----------



## spid (Nov 4, 2008)

I think you have built the expectations too high and now reality isn't the rose tinted experience you wanted - but it can be - give yourself time and her too.


----------



## smiler84 (Feb 4, 2012)

give it time. my experience is a bit different, as i took in a stray kitten - for the first couple of weeks i wasn't sure if i was keeping him (had never planned to have a cat, but couldn't leave him out in the cold and so looked after him while i looked for his 'owners') i felt responsible for him, but i didn't fall in love with him immediately. he was quite a naughty kitten (quite handy with his teeth and claws - i looked like i was self harming for a while  ) and also felt a bit overwhelmed with the responsibility of potentially looking after this naughty little thing for the next 15-20 years. but one night he came and curled up on my lap and i just knew that he was staying with me. i now truly adore him, even though he tries my patience regularly! 

so just give it a bit more time - in my case the love wasn't instant, but it certainly arrived


----------



## ariadne (Oct 24, 2012)

Also, you are all such emotionally intelligent and helpful people! Very grateful to have come across such good and insightful advice.


----------



## Staysee (Oct 19, 2009)

Not feeling exactly the same, but we recently [on saturday] got our new cat JJ from someone who couldnt give him all he needed.

So i fell in love with him at her house and coming home, but now he's become a pain and we're having to treat him as if he's a young kitten, not almost a year old. He bites, goes for legs etc but was a complete sweetie at his last slaves and he's a ragdoll so understandably im frustrated that he's not as relaxed as he was.

But he came from an only cat household where the husband didnt like him and the wife was out at work alot, plus he was in a huge house alone.

Now he's in a house half the size, has 3 other cats around and 3 humans who want to lavish attention on him whenever they see him....of course he's gonna be feeling overwhelmed and not knowing, we managed to sort his fleas and now we can smooth him, but we gotta be wary about holding him too long or passing him when he's laid down. Its kinda taken the fun out of getting a 'ragdoll' and all i read about them, but both me and my parents know its gonna take time....we saw him at his previous house and he was a real ragdoll, floppy as they come, he's had a HUGE change in living conditions and has gotta learn to trust us, as us to him too.

Give this kitty some time, it may of been a few weeks, but that isnt long in the grand scheme of things, plus with her illness and sight biting at the very start of her stay it may of put a dampner on that first week or so of bonding that you get with a new cat. You obviously care for her very much if you've nursed her through an illness, also posting this.

So yeah, time. She loves you already as you've said she curls up to you and is happy too see you, but remember she is her own cat, she isnt gonna be like any of your previous cats or pets, a personality of her own, traits of her own which you'll learn as time goes by and soon enough you'll not remember a time without her.


----------



## dougal22 (Jun 18, 2010)

ariadne said:


> Thanks again for all the reponses. We met her once at the shelter where she was very skittish, but interested in us and did some head rubbing on our hands. We weren't taken to a private room to meet her - we met her in a concrete alleyway between two rows of other cages with cats in, so understandably she found it hard to focus on us. She seemed bright and alert as well as interested to meet us and I knew I wanted to rescue a cat rather than get a kitten. I used to volunteer for a cat adoption project and I know how hard it can be to get cats adopted when there are kittens to choose. So I guess there weren't any fireworks when we met, as it were, just a nervy cat in weird surroundings who nevertheless seemed to have the potential to be affectionate. I wish I could say I rushed the decision to adopt but I didn't - it was a decision years in the making. Maybe it's more that I went into it with so many preconceived ideas it's been counterproductive and has stopped me taking my new girl on her own merits. *It's not fair to expect her to be an amalgam of other cats I've loved and lost*.


You're absolutely right. She's got a personality all of her own.

It seems to me you're putting adverse pressure on yourself? Expecting to feel a certain way and being let down by yourself because you don't feel the way you feel you should?

Relax, enjoy spending time with your girl. Don't over analyse, it does you no good, and just try to put her illness behind you. Very tough I know as my 'heart cat' was a very sick boy. But he's not now


----------



## Jiskefet (May 15, 2011)

ariadne said:


> Maybe it's more that I went into it with so many preconceived ideas it's been counterproductive and has stopped me taking my new girl on her own merits. It's not fair to expect her to be an amalgam of other cats I've loved and lost.


I think you hit the nail on hte head there....

I have never found a cat that could even come near living up to my first semi-feral kitten Jiskefet...
Until we had Gaudi.
But then, I only started truly feeling that way about Gaudi - that he was my soul mate, my little angel, my everything - when I was already worrying he might be seriously ill. And when the diagnosis was confirmed, and we knew we were going to lose him, he was more precious to us than anything in the world....

Jiskefet had always been more my cat, but hubby had strongly bonded with Gaudi, and he is having 'his jiskefet' in him. However lovely other cats are, they are not and can never be anything like Gaudi....

I love all my cats, but I know I idealize someof the cats I have lost, and however many cats I have had or will have in my life, I still long to see and hold _them_.

Only, by now I have learned that, in time, these new cats, too, will be added to the numbers of heavenly cat spirits I am still searching for in my dreams. In leaving their physical bodies, they have become an integral part of our soul....


----------



## JordanRose (Mar 10, 2012)

ariadne said:


> Thanks again for all the reponses. We met her once at the shelter where she was very skittish, but interested in us and did some head rubbing on our hands. We weren't taken to a private room to meet her - we met her in a concrete alleyway between two rows of other cages with cats in, so understandably she found it hard to focus on us. She seemed bright and alert as well as interested to meet us and I knew I wanted to rescue a cat rather than get a kitten. I used to volunteer for a cat adoption project and I know how hard it can be to get cats adopted when there are kittens to choose. So I guess there weren't any fireworks when we met, as it were, just a nervy cat in weird surroundings who nevertheless seemed to have the potential to be affectionate. I wish I could say I rushed the decision to adopt but I didn't - it was a decision years in the making. Maybe it's more that I went into it with so many preconceived ideas it's been counterproductive and has stopped me taking my new girl on her own merits. It's not fair to expect her to be an amalgam of other cats I've loved and lost.


You sound like you've thought this through an awful lot and I commend you for not giving up straight away. It does sound very much like an anti-climax, and that your expectations have been too high. I think you'll love her very soon, and once that spark arrives it will grow and grow.

When I brought Spooks home, I had fairly low expectations. I thought he'd hide and be resistant at first and that he'd take a while to settle. Much to my surprise, he settled almost instantly, but I wouldn't have been so disappointed if he hadn't, as I wasn't looking at the situation through rose tinted glasses.

I really do hope you bond. Good luck! Xx


----------



## Jenny1966 (Feb 7, 2011)

I think the fact you came looking for help and opinions tells us that you do really care and you dont want to give up on her 


Stick around and get used to telling us all about her antics, and post some pics of her!! Believe me we are all cat mad, and it will rub off on you


----------



## Bette (May 14, 2011)

I agree with those who say give it more time.For all I adore my cats I also acknowledge that all animals bring extra work and responsibility and especially at first I think that can be a bit overwhelming.A couple of days after I adopted my two cats I actually cried when I felt exhausted because I'd had no sleep as they were running around in the night and I asked myself "What have I done?" as it felt like I would never have a proper night's sleep again! Deep down I knew I would never give them up because I love animals and really really wanted them.They do still sometimes run around in the night but now I know it's "normal" for cats and it doesn't happen anywhere near as often and I probably sleep through it most of the time.I think we just become acclimatised and adjust to things.I adore my two cats and wouldn't be without them for anything but it does take a period of adjustment at the start.


----------



## ariadne (Oct 24, 2012)

Mari (her name, cross between Mau and Ari, Hebrew for lion) installed on my lap.


----------



## Staysee (Oct 19, 2009)

ariadne said:


> Mari (her name, cross between Mau and Ari, Hebrew for lion) installed on my lap.


Oh i love her brown colour, looks like chocolate! XD


----------



## Oscars mam (Aug 22, 2011)

I can't add anymore than what's been said really I agree with just give it more time your new addition will be eating out of your hand before you know it 
I have to point out though that the rules of this forum for any one who hasn't already done so .... We need photo evidence of your new Puss  it is a strict rule


----------



## Treaclesmum (Sep 26, 2011)

She is beautiful!!!!!!! 

Is she a moggy or a breed??


----------



## Jenny1966 (Feb 7, 2011)

awwww she's gorgeous :001_wub:


----------



## Oscars mam (Aug 22, 2011)

Oops silly me  you already put a pic on while I was typing!!  she's a beauty


----------



## ariadne (Oct 24, 2012)

She's definitely a moggy  She's black and white but in certain lights looks grey and white. Very green eyes. I think it may be the yellow room and poor lighting that's making her look brown


----------



## Jenny1966 (Feb 7, 2011)

ariadne said:


> She's definitely a moggy  She's black and white but in certain lights looks grey and white. Very green eyes. I think it may be the yellow room and poor lighting that's making her look brown


See in that post we have a  and a  I think the more you post about her, the more you will love her!!


----------



## Staysee (Oct 19, 2009)

ariadne said:


> She's definitely a moggy  She's black and white but in certain lights looks grey and white. Very green eyes. I think it may be the yellow room and poor lighting that's making her look brown


Black and white is still lovely, we have 2 of them, people dont seem to want black and white cats...i dont know why though, they are just as beautifull and loving as any other colour, im sure you could vouch for that!


----------



## Chillicat (Jan 14, 2012)

She is gorgeous:001_wub:. There is nothing I can add that hasn't already been said, but I just wanted to wish you well & I look forward to hearing all about her.


----------



## Guest (Oct 24, 2012)

Do you think your cat would welcome a chum? perhaps if you find a cat your cat likes, the playing and rumbles will warm your feelings, AND maybe some of the roughness and reactiveness with people, will disappear with play.


----------



## sarahecp (Aug 22, 2011)

I also think you need to give it more time.

When I lost my beloved Tim I was devastated, he was my soul mate and my best friend, I didn't think I could love another cat again. 

Then we adopted Frankie, I fell in love with him at the rescue, when we visited him he was a friendly boy and enjoyed lots fuss but he was a completely different cat when we took him home, he was very nervous, kept hiding and just didn't want to know us, it was like we were given a different cat. Deep down I wanted him to be like my Tim and I thought back then that I had made a mistake. But I knew I had to give him time, which I did.

Nearly 4 years on, he's very aloof and independent, still a bit nervous but we seem to have this special bond. I love him to bits and could never imagine life without him.

I would love to hear about your girlie and we love piccies on here


----------



## Alaskacat (Aug 2, 2010)

You sound to be proud of how beautiful she is - quite rightly!! So that is a start. It does sound like your expectations were a little high. We enter every relationship wearing the history of our last one so it is not surprising you are a little disappointed that you don't love her instantly. Some cats are slow burners I guess, at least she is company when you arrive home and you have cared for her. Give her time and she will work her magic I don't doubt.

I wonder what your reaction would be if someone saw her picture and told you she is lovely and they will have her? Would it be relief or would you want to just wait a little longer. Please don't worry, think of it that you have done her a favour and rescued her - which you have, she is different to your other cats but you will love her just as much given time - she is special in her own way you just don't see it yet.

Good luck and please keep us updated.


----------



## MontyMaude (Feb 23, 2012)

Take the time to get to know her and don't put any expectations on yourself or Mari, I think you've built up your expectations and now the reality isn't living up to it but start afresh and the love will come.

I nearly took my terrors back to the Cats Protection because I wasn't 'bonding' with them and they became ill and I was scared of losing them because I had lost a dog several years before and it took a lot to consider getting another animal as I was truly devastated when I lost my dog, but I hung on in there and now I don't know what I would do without them but it took a while for me to let them in but they are now very much loved and adored.


----------



## Pheebs (Jun 8, 2011)

Oh, don't give up on her, it's only been a couple of weeks.

I had a cat for 17 years and wasn't at all sure I wanted another after he died. But four years later I took the plunge. Pheebs is a very different cat to my previous cat, she doesn't do a lot of the cuddly things he did which made him so special. But I have totally bonded with her now and love her to bits. You need to look for the unique things in Mari that make her special - they are there, you just need to find them.

Pheebs is a biter too, well more of a nibbler. It's a sign of affection for her. It did take a bit of getting used to! 

I think what others have said is right about her illness, that may have delayed or got in the way of you bonding with her.

She is so cute BTW!


----------



## egyptianreggae (May 26, 2012)

I haven't read any of the replies, just your original post, so I'm sorry if I'm repeating myself, but it's still very early in your relationship with your new cat. All cats hate change, and it'll take a while for yours to show her true colours and to settle into a new routine, and for you all to get used to each other. I adopted my two on something like a kneejerk decision-they'd originally been a three, and I'd fallen for the one who didn't end up coming home with me, a very gregarious, affectionate black and white boy. I worried like mad about having chosen to adopt two cats who'd shown me nothing but indifference in the shelter (Simba) and outright fear and distaste (Tiny.) in the first few weeks, Tiny made my life very difficult with his rushing around, hiding, miaowing and general distress, but as time's gone on, we've all got used to each other. Tiny will never be the most affectionate cat, but he has learned to trust me and we accommodate each other. As we speak, he is whining loudly for biscuits, which would have irritated me months ago, but now it's just part of everyday life, and though he's not cuddly, he has many other redeeming qualities, and I've grown to love him like mad. And now he's vigorously attacking my feet through the duvet. Ohhhh....

It takes them a while to get the rescue centre out of their system. Don't give up!


----------



## TatiLie (Nov 2, 2010)

Welcome to you and Mari.

I got Rocco two months ago and I still feel I love Ari (nickname from Ariostea) most. I feel very guilty about it but I have allowed myself to be honest with my feelings and accept that Ari is my first cat, and the fact that Rocco has bullying Ari makes him less 'lovable' than her. But I know that with time I will love him as much as I love Ari (which is per se immeasurable!). He already can get away with most of this naughty behaviour just because he's gorgeous, so it's for his own good (and mine) that I don't love him that much!


----------



## sharonchilds (Jul 7, 2011)

Shes lovely, i can understand a little of what you feel and like others have said you always get a special friend come along and steal your heart. I had two, both gone in the past 3 months and my heart is broken and they will never be replaced.

But i have my other 4 to keep me on my toes and everyone of them is different and i love them all for different reasons.
Maybe not as much as my girls who are at rainbow bridge, but i have enough love for them all and many more in the future.
Give yourself time and im sure you will find a special place in your heart for her


----------



## Guest (Oct 24, 2012)

Lots and lots of really good advice so far. She looks adorable in that picture, and every female cat I have known nips and bites affectionately so I wouldn't worry about that unless it's really hurting.

As for your feelings towards her then I agree that it could be a combination of a lot of build up towards the event, and perhaps expecting your next cat to be a certain way. I think it's a really positive step that you have been able to actually say out loud "I don't love this cat right now", as it must have been really hard to admit that to yourself. BUT it does mean you can work at improving your relationship with your cat.

I think what you need to do is to take a few steps back and pretend like you've never owned a cat before. Then she may start to really shine in your eyes as just herself. It must be hard when you have enjoyed cats before and subsequent ones aren't quite the same. But you'll be able to appreciate her in _different_ ways. She is most likely not the last cat you'll ever have either if you're a cat person, so don't grieve for a personality you wish she might have had cos that may come with another cat in the future  
Take it day by day and don't expect too much, and then you'll begin to appreciate the relationship you two have.

I also echo a previous post, that perhaps if you can afford it, get her a friend. I've always believed cats should come in at least pairs if possible, and it might relieve some of the pressure. Also you'd be surprised how her personality may change with another cat around, and for the better I mean. She'd most likely enjoy the company, especially as she's young. I'd suggest a neutered male and ask a rescue if you can bring her along and bond them.

Good luck to you both and welcome to the forum


----------



## buffie (May 31, 2010)

Hi and welcome to the forum.
It is always difficult starting out again with a new furbabe,but it can be worse when you have expectations .
I got Meeko my Ragdoll after 2+ years of being catless after my last gorgeous boy had to be PTS.
I wanted a Ragdoll because of their temperament but stupidly I didnt go to a "reputable" breeder and the kitten I brought home was a nightmare.
He was as far away from a Raggie temperament as it was possible to be.
For months I lived with being ripped to bits as he continually attacked me,the odd thing is the more he behaved badly,the more I saw it as a challenge and it wasnt long before I loved him unconditionally and couldnt imagine life without him.
We have such a special relationship now,he still has a few prickly bits but we have been through so much that I cant imagine life without him 
Give her time,I'm sure she will sneak in to your heart when your not looking


----------



## maisiecat (Jul 27, 2011)

I have a story that might help 

I looked after an old boy for a while, he wasn't mine but I cared for him until the end. After that I couldn't face getting a pet for a long time. Then we moved house.

I found my lad on a cat rescue site, a brief description and a bad photo, taken to show his lack of tail. I sent it to OH who without any discussion or thought phoned and reserved him  We had a weekend away, on the way home bought all the things he would need, and went off to pick him up.

He pee'd all the way home, drenched the carrier, he yelled, shouted and howled. I let him out when we got home and he pee'd on the floor straight away.

We kept him in the kitchen to get used to his new home, he had a box on its side for a safe place, with some bedding in, he made himself at home. He seemed to spend the night peeing, there were puddles all over the place. We took him to the vet straight away for a check up and he was put on meds for UTI. He continued to pee anywhere except in the tray.......

After a few days I was exhausted with the cleaning up, I didn't know what to do with him. We had been told very little by the person we got him from other than he was from Ireland, had no info as he had been picked up injured as a stray, I was told he was vaccinated but when I asked for the papers there were none. I was told he was in good health, he had earmites, heart murmour, UTI. I was told he was aged 5, but two vets said he was 8 - 10. Not what we had chosen at all.

I found it very, very hard. However he was a friendly boy, and chatty. I asked a lady I knew (not local) who had a rescue, what I should do, what was wrong - and she said if I was desperate she would take him but he just wanted to be loved.

She was right, he did just want to be loved and after the first couple of weeks we had worked out a way. He was allowed out, and the peeing improved, after a year I managed to stop it. I tried to crate train him but it didn't work, however he was happy to jump in there when he wanted food and at night to sleep, sometimes he would sleep in the living room if he wanted to.

It took a while, and it felt very strange getting used to him and showing him how to behave but one day he jumped up on the cooker and sat facing me, I picked him up, still facing me, and that was the day I knew he would be my friend for as long as he lived.

People are saying to give it time, I had some regrets at the start and life with him has been a challenge, he has always been a difficult boy in many ways, but he *has* been my friend for the last 7 years, and I don't regret any of them. He is loving, friendly, chatty and the most special, and handsome cat in the world and he believes me when I tell him so.


----------



## sarahecp (Aug 22, 2011)

Mari is a beautiful girl :001_wub::001_wub:

I really hope you can bond with her in time


----------



## Jiskefet (May 15, 2011)

I think you should post a lot on thissforum and tell us about Mari (and show us pictures of her). Telling about her will make her personality stand out more to tyou and make you bond with her more quickly.


----------



## newfiesmum (Apr 21, 2010)

ariadne said:


> Hi all,
> 
> New to this forum and posting to ask for honest and hopefully non-judgemental advice. My husband and I thought about adopting a cat for around three years but weren't able to because we were renting. Now we have a house and garden. I have always been a cat person - I adored our family cat and fostered a cat 3 years ago whom I loved too. We finally took the plunge 2 weeks ago and I think I'm regretting it. The one year old cat we have adopted is affectionate (though bites sometimes and without any apparent reason), uses the litter box properly and is not overly destructive - just usual kitty antics with scratching up things mildly, but nothing terrible. I bought her everything she could possibly need, researched the best food and nursed her through an upper respiratory infection last week which started to show itself within two days of adoption. The problem is that I just don't feel for her any of what I have felt for my other pets in the past. Before her I had two rats for two years whom I loved like children and grieved for terribly when they died.
> 
> ...


Ok, I am going to confess to having almost the exact same situation. Four years ago I lost my 17 year old cat, Bonnie, who I absolutely adored. Ever since I have thought about getting another cat to share my bed and when I was told about Betsy, little two year old tortoiseshell who was being neglected, naturally I jumped at the chance. She also bites on occasion, but is improving. I just have to remember not to stroke her for too long. However, when she first arrived about six months ago, she would bite and scratch anyone who touched her. I think it is because she never had the human contact and by the time I came along she was in danger of becoming feral.

What I do when she sinks her teeth in is the same as I do with a nipping puppy - I just keep very still and she immediately lets go. So she could be playing and me being still is no fun, or she could be saying: get off! Who knows?

I don't love Betsy, but I am growing fond of her a little more day by day. We have a bit of a stroke at night when I get into bed, but she is never going to be the affectionate cat my Bonnie was so let's face facts - they a different people and one can never replace the other.

I feel pleased that I have her, because I know she would still be being neglected had I left her, and I am quite happy to share my space with her. I am quite sure you will feel more fond of your cat as time goes on, just forget her becoming a replacement for ones you have lost. It won't happen and you have to accept her for what she is.


----------



## merlin12 (Jun 24, 2011)

I understand you a 100%, I was on treatment for depression (almost over now), I had always liked cats and decided I needed one in my life but when I finally got Merlin after a lot of fights and arguments it wasn´t what I had expected. I had just been operated and could not lift weights and I found myslef alone with a 6 kg cat, who was scared because his owner had abandoned him and had spent a month in a room in a foster home. All the reasons that my mum and sisters gave me for not wanting a cat kept haunting me, the hairs, the smell from the litter box, whenever he isn´t ok from his stomach, scratching furniture. I got a sick sinking feeling in my stomach when I looked at him and kept asking myself what I had done, I felt I had made a horrible mistake, that I had just been stubborn and I coudn´t handle the situation.

Merlin was also scared, he would hide inside his sandbox (he had it covered) and would spend the day patrolling the house, at night he would climb on my stomach with me in pain putting my hands over my wounds (he was 6kg) and would purr loudly, now I look back and think he just needed reassurance.

Little by little he became less scared, would follow me from room to room, he started showing his true nature, would run up and down the house, he loved playing hide and seek and I grew to love him, and I´m his fav person. Now I want to get home to see him, he makes me laugh a lot, stubborn little Merlin. It wasn´t love at first sight but at the end of the day, it is love.


----------



## mystra (Sep 14, 2012)

Give it time - and don't analyse like other posters have said.

A looong time ago we adopted a female newfoundland (from the breeder we had newfs from before). We had recently moved and had one newf - an older boy who was getting lonely since his pal had died from leukemia. The breeder had rescued this girl back from someone she had sold her to in good faith - turns out this poor girl was kept locked in a garage all the time. My mum was a bit hesitant as she had never in all her years ever had a bitch, always dogs!

Anyway she decided to take her on. 3 months later she admitted she just didn't feel a bond, however I did (although i was just a kid so my wants and wishes weren't of huge importance). She persevered however - and the two became so bonded that when she was PTS at the ripe old age of 15 - my mum was devastated - and will always think of her... that was about 10 years ago.

Despite the sad (well she lived a great life!) end - it goes to show that time is all you need - especially with a rescue animal. My mum found it hard to bond as Mai was so skittish and frightened and would wee in the house a lot, generally a stressful start to a new relationship - much like yourself. But the hard work often creates an even stronger bond!

Give yourself time, enjoy your new cat and relax and the bond will grow x


----------



## oggers86 (Nov 14, 2011)

I adopted my 2 last year and was worried I would never feel the same for them as I did for my previous cat who I had from a child. I remember telling my mum to tell her that she will always be my baby and these wont...

The second day I left them to go to work and I actually had tears in my eyes at the thought of leaving them. Over the past year they have wormed their way into our lives completely.

Last week my childhood cat had to be PTS, I had a few days to get used to the idea she wouldnt be around much longer but we hadnt anticipated on her going downhill so quickly. I was devastated but now after a week I feel much better about it. She may have been my cat from childhood but since I left home she stopped being my cat and became my mums.

The cat I miss was the cat she was over 8 years ago, I realised that I had spent over half her life apart from her (she was 7 when I left, from her being the age of 4 I spent long periods of time away from home), the cat she was when she died was a cat I didnt really know. I can remember on a visit recently I missed my two and couldnt wait to get home to _my_ cats.

Live in the present, not in the past and look forward to the future. My cats will never replace my first cat and I wouldnt want them to. She had her own quirks and so do these two. Just give it time


----------



## ariadne (Oct 24, 2012)

Lots of amazing stories here - thank you!

Today was a good day - she learned how to use the catflap after 5 days of abortive attempts and hilariously made her first "kill" - an autumn leaf that fluttered down from a shrub at the end of the garden. Head high, tail erect, she carried it in, put it in her shoebox of "treasures" and killed it "dead" about five or six times.

Since that first time, we have had three repeat performances of Mari the Mighty Hunter vs. Autumn Leaves. I must admit: that was pretty damn cute.


----------



## Jenny1966 (Feb 7, 2011)

ariadne said:


> Lots of amazing stories here - thank you!
> 
> Today was a good day - she learned how to use the catflap after 5 days of abortive attempts and hilariously made her first "kill" - an autumn leaf that fluttered down from a shrub at the end of the garden. Head high, tail erect, she carried it in, put it in her shoebox of "treasures" and killed it "dead" about five or six times.
> 
> Since that first time, we have had three repeat performances of Mari the Mighty Hunter vs. Autumn Leaves. I must admit: that was pretty damn cute.


That definately sounds like a proud mummy moment 

The more you watch her, and enjoy her special little moments, the more you will love her


----------



## ella (Jan 1, 2009)

I'm glad you had a proud mum moment

Like many others, I had such a deep bond with my last cat, Henry, that when Bibi (in my pic) came along a year ago she wasnt ever going to live up to it. In hindsight it wasnt fair of me to expect her to slot in like he did. She'd had a lot of problems with her past homes, and is very timid, even now. 

For me, the little things start to make me feel I'm winning her over; she isnt affectionate, spent the first three weeks hiding under my bed, so every time she reacts positively I feel rewarded now.

Bibi escaped after a couple of months and was on the run for 10 days, and this cemented the fact that really I DID love her, just in a different way to Henry. I feel very protective of her, whereas Henry was outgoing and emotionally robust. 

It does help to talk though - sometimes you can think you are the only person who feels this way, but so many of us do, and we love all the stories from each other too. 

I hope you stick around


----------



## suzy93074 (Sep 3, 2008)

It sounds like you are slowly turning a corner  as others have said just give yourself time and dont put too many expectations on yourself or on your cat - as she becomes more at ease her personality will grow and thats when you will start to bond - like her bringing her leaves in - all the little funny things they do will make you grow more attached - keep us updated  xx oh and more pics


----------



## NEW2CATS (Aug 28, 2009)

lol those poor dead leaves!!!


I didnt really bond well with my 1st cat when I got her. But i think this was for the opposite reasons as you.

I had never had a cat before so only had a preconceived idea of what a cat should be like. Then I got Gizzy and well, she didnt really like people. I was very dissapointed that i didnt get this cute lapcat that i had dreamed of. Dont get me wrong I cared for her and after a while i did of course love her for who she was.

After about 6 weeks I actually went and got another cat from the rescue as a companion for her in the daytime. Though if i am honest it was also for me - i hoped to get a loving cat. And I did. Billy adored me and we formed a strong bond.

BUT fast forward 18 months and Gizzy suddenly decided she loved me. Spends her evenings on my lap and lays on my chest purring when I go to bed. And I do her love her all the more for it. 
And Billy well he grew up and became abit of a sulky teenage boy who only loves me for my food!! - I am hoping this is just a phase lol

Just goes to show relationships change with pets as well as people. Hang on in there with Mari and I am sure things will improve. 
I do also think it helps to have other people to enthuse about your pet with.


----------



## newfiesmum (Apr 21, 2010)

Well, all this time my Betsy has stayed upstairs unless she goes outside because of my dogs. I tried to get her to speak to them when she first arrived, but they were too much for her. She has got on fine with my visiting spaniel though as he goes upstairs, mine don't. Today, she came downstairs, sat on the back of the armchair, and rubbed noses with Diva! Give a cat enough time and she will soon let everyone know who is boss!


----------



## Luz (Jul 28, 2012)

ariadne said:


> Hi all,
> 
> New to this forum and posting to ask for honest and hopefully non-judgemental advice. My husband and I thought about adopting a cat for around three years but weren't able to because we were renting. Now we have a house and garden. I have always been a cat person - I adored our family cat and fostered a cat 3 years ago whom I loved too. We finally took the plunge 2 weeks ago and I think I'm regretting it. The one year old cat we have adopted is affectionate (though bites sometimes and without any apparent reason), uses the litter box properly and is not overly destructive - just usual kitty antics with scratching up things mildly, but nothing terrible. I bought her everything she could possibly need, researched the best food and nursed her through an upper respiratory infection last week which started to show itself within two days of adoption. The problem is that I just don't feel for her any of what I have felt for my other pets in the past. *Before her I had two rats for two years whom I loved like children and grieved for terribly when they died.*
> I don't love this cat; I don't even feel the love coming. I care about her wellbeing and don't want her to be sad or hurt or lonely, but I don't look forward to seeing her like I used to with my other pets. My main concern is to feed her and entertain her and stroke her if she wants it but my heart's not in it. Is it too early to be expecting this bond? - A


To me this is the crux of the problem. I think because you don't feel the love you had for your other pets you feel you never will. We had a similar situation. We got Gracie 2 months after our beloved Staffy Riga was put to sleep. Gracie was a rescue and desperate to be loved. Several months on I didn't feel the same love I had for Riga. I mentioned it to someone who was horrified and wanted to 'rescue' her from me. I explained that we had taken her on for life and she didn't know how we felt. She had cuddles and was well taken care of. Long story short we did come to love Gracie (she wasn't Riga - but just as special) and were devastated when she was PTS 11 years after we got her. Just keep looking after her and the love will come!


----------



## donnamatrix (Sep 19, 2009)

I too had rats before we got Yuki - the last of them died in February of this year, and we got Yuki in September - and as much as we love Yuki dearly, it's a different love to the love we had for our three boys. They were like children to us too and I still miss them very much. My husband and I feel the same, that Yuki is cared for and loved just as much, but in a different way - she hasn't replaced our boys, she has her own place in our hearts.


----------



## Luz (Jul 28, 2012)

Oh Donna Aren't they gorgeous! :001_wub: So sorry they're gone.


----------



## chillminx (Nov 22, 2010)

Ariadne, it sounds as though your lovely cat has quite a personality, bless her. :001_wub: 

Also, I think she must be a confident little kittycat to be so trusting and affectionate with you, when she has only been living with you a couple of weeks! Sounds like you made a good choice when you adopted her, and luckily for her she has found a good human she can feel safe with. Good news all round!

It is possibly the case that many of us do not always fall in love straight away with a new cat, but that it takes time for the emotional ties to start developing, and then even more time for the bond to deepen into unconditional love.

When a beloved pet, whose companionship we have shared for many years, dies, we remember the relationship as it was at the point they died. We don't remember how it was in the beginning, when we first brought them home, when there was possibly a steep learning curve as we got to know them
and began the process of understanding their individual characters and needs. 

I think the fact your new pusscat was quite poorly soon after you got her, made you, quite understandably, feel anxious, and the memory of that anxiety has maybe stayed with you, as a kind of background 'noise'.. 
Chronic anxiety has a kind of "blocking" effect, by which I mean if one feels anxious it tends to prevent cheerful or positive emotions rising to the surface of one's consciousness. 

For the moment perhaps concentrate on the fact this little cat needs your care and protection, and that you are doing a kind and selfless thing by adopting her and looking after her so well. Love will come later, I am sure of it.


----------



## ariadne (Oct 24, 2012)

Beautiful ratties, Donna. Hope they hook up with my cheeky girls at the Bridge.


----------



## almost40 (Oct 8, 2012)

Hello there.I think I know what you're going thru.Years ago we adopted a lovely puppy called sandy.She was a naughty little girl but we stuck with her and she grew in to a gorgeous gentle dog who loved everyone and everything.She loved our kittens and rabbit and mothered them. She was our baby even when we had our real babies and when we lost her we were devastated.After 15 we decided to adopt another dog and it didnt work.He was lovely but he hated our elderly cats and went for them, we were so sad that he hadnt been like our sandy,.Think we wanted him to be.So we got two kittens instead,lovely little bundles of fluff and fun,yet it still took a few weeks to fall in love with them. Now they're very much loved and a huge part of our family and I wouldnt be without them. It takes time to learn to love,it isnt always instant but it does come. Good luck and I hope you get there.She is gorgeous by the way,


----------



## marleyboo (Oct 24, 2011)

hi there, i just wanted to say i applaud you for being honest . 

with our second cat we wanted him desperately researched the breed etc waited so long to meet him. had literally everything waiting for him, got him home and he hid for around 2 months..... i literally had to stick my head under the bed and coax him out .... really earn his trust....

often in the two months i thought what the hell have we done? how could we have gotten it so wrong ??  

but i do echo what the other ladies have said, i know your story is slightly different but i really do think you should give it some time. i honestly think once you get to know her little personality you will fall in love and start to bond xxx


----------



## donnamatrix (Sep 19, 2009)

Luz said:


> Oh Donna Aren't they gorgeous! :001_wub: So sorry they're gone.


Thank you, you're kind X


----------

