# Disagreement on discipline



## Bumblebee77 (Sep 1, 2015)

I have a problem that's been going on for a while now. My boyfriend and I live together with two cats. We disagree on disciplining them. I am too gentle I admit, I hate being rough and I am happy with simple methods like clapping to get the cat to stop what it's doing. I'm easy going and an animal lover so nothing really bugs me. I don't believe cats can be trained to perfection. My boyfriend disagrees, he is more harsh with punishments, He yells really loud and throws the cats or hits the ground really hard next to them to show them that he could hurt them if he wanted to. He is frustrated because I don't do these things too. I have told him that they don't work because the cats still do the action we don't like (jumping up on the table) and he says it's because I'm confusing them by not disciplining them like he does and that they're really dumb so they need clear commands. I don't agree with what he's doing but I don't know enough about training to know what's the right way. I believe cats will always get into mischief and you can control it but you can't get them perfectly trained like a dog. My boyfriend disagrees and gets angry so easily by what they do. I don't know what to do we fight and disagree about it all the time. The last thing I want to do is confuse the poor cats by being a softie but I also am not happy with throwing them. Please any advice would be helpful thank you!!


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## bingolitle (Dec 6, 2014)

Are you serious?


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## moggie14 (Sep 11, 2013)

That is not discipline - that is animal cruelty 
Please rehome your cats as soon as possible so they are safe. Whilst you're at it, consider leaving the BF. Sounds like a nasty piece of work!


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## Cleo38 (Jan 22, 2010)

That's not discipline, that's abuse. If you asre not able to stop him doing this then I would seriously think about rehoming the cats for their own safety, I would also consider his anger issues & if is something you should be concerned about


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## Blaise in Surrey (Jun 10, 2014)

This man needs help with anger management and should not be around animals.


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## buffie (May 31, 2010)

What a nasty individual ,why are you with someone like that


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## Bumblebee77 (Sep 1, 2015)

I do want to try to help him which is why I posted this is the first place, could anyone recommend any good training sites or books or maybe something on the way a cats brain works? :/


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## Blaise in Surrey (Jun 10, 2014)

I really don't mean to be harsh, but HE needs books on anger management; the cat isn't the problem here.


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## lorilu (Sep 6, 2009)

I'd be packing up my cats and my stuff and moving out. Why are you with a man like that? It's your job to protect those cats. Get them out of there. Heaven knows what he's doing to them when you aren't watching.

And keep in mind, you'll be next. Get out now, while you are all still alive and relatively unscathed.


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## QOTN (Jan 3, 2014)

It sounds as though your boyfriend is the one who needs to be disciplined.


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## Cleo38 (Jan 22, 2010)

A good book to read is 'Cat Sense: The Feline Enigma Revealed' by John Bradshaw but it's not just as easy as reading a book, it's understanding behaviour & putting in to practise what you have learned .... am not sure that someone who (by your post) loses their temper so easily with an animal would be able to comprehend ....


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## chillminx (Nov 22, 2010)

@Bumblebee77 - you are talking about persuading this man to control his bad temper and treat the cats with the respect they deserve by reading a book or looking at a site on cat behaviour. I am sorry but this is just not going to happen. A person like him with such a short fuse would need years of therapy to change his attitude. Believe me I have seen it. Please reassure us that you NEVER leave your cats alone with this man.

A person who gets angry over something as petty as a cat jumping on the table is not someone I would ever trust to live with animals. I am sympathetic to your plight but out of love for your cats you must ether leave this man taking the cats with you, or rehome your cats a.s.a.p. Sorry. 

Just to add - you are right, cats do not understand discipline, they respond to persuasion, bribery with treats, routine and calm repetition. Shouting at them, stamping the floor, or worst of all throwing them,will result in very frightened cats who will develop stress related health or behaviour problems.


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## Cookieandme (Dec 29, 2011)

moggie14 said:


> That is not discipline - that is animal cruelty
> Please rehome your cats as soon as possible so they are safe. !


I would substitute cats for boyfriend - it's the boyfriend who needs to go.


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## silvi (Jul 31, 2014)

@Bumblebee77 if your boyfriend has difficulty controlling his temper, then he is probably not going to listen to any advice about how to treat a cat. In fact, I would guess that it may make him even more angry that you are disagreeing with his methods. 
You probably think that you can reason with him, but I'm not at all sure you can.
Personally I would move out and take the cats with me, but I have a feeling you are not going to do that (at least, not yet). In which case, you really need to find a new home for your cats where they can be safe.
Just to add, this is not_ your_ fault - it's down to him. But please think of your cats and hopefully of yourself too.


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## chillminx (Nov 22, 2010)

@Bumblebee77 - please stay on the forum and let us give you as much moral support as we can. We are on your side.x


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## Blaise in Surrey (Jun 10, 2014)

One thing that might persuade him to calm down in the meantime, while you decide what to do longer term, is to tell him (and this is entirely true) that if he carries on behaving so harshly with the cats they will soon 'reward' him by peeing all over the house!


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## The Wild Bunch (Jul 16, 2014)

You are obviously worried to post in the first place and in the middle of the night. Cats are sensitive souls and don't like to be yelled at or thrown! To stop the cat from jumping on the table you need to calmly remove them from the table and put them gently on the floor. They will soon learn.
I have just read your post to my husband who is struggling to comprehend what I have read. My husband weighs 100kg and our cat weighs 4.2kg he woild never dream of throwing her! I am concerned for yours and your cats wellbeing especially as you have said that you and your boyfriend fight over them.

With any luck your cats will fight back like this little one did after being handled roughly


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## Soozi (Jun 28, 2013)

I'm really not sure I believe what I am reading!!! Your boyfriend is throwing your cats? Anyone who can show this level of violent behaviour to a helpless animal needs help pdq! I suggest he goes to see someone that can help him with his anger. Personally I'd be out the door with the cats! What an awful man! :Rage


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## ALR (Apr 16, 2014)

Bumblebee, I think you are in a difficult situation. You sound like you care for the cats a lot but there's very little you can do towards your boyfriend's attitude to them. Just to be clear, he is being abusive like the others have said - it is not always easy to accept especially since the other person is convinced they are right. But given this, I don't think you can actually change him. There are plenty of sites on cat behaviour (RSPCA, cat protection etc.) but I doubt it's going to make a difference with him. It sounds like he's got a fixed idea and is not listening to you so I don't think he'd be willing to read whatever you give him to read, especially if it'll endorse your view.

Who's cats are they? Did you and your boyfriend get them together or did they belong to one of you first? Is rehoming the cats an option? Can you leave and take the cats with you?


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## Bumblebee77 (Sep 1, 2015)

Thanks everyone, please be assured I will take care of the situation and will not let any harm come to the cats. I will re-home or move out or whatever needs to be done before I see them hurt.I will be re-evaluating everything and we will see what happens with us and as for the cats I will not allow any more of this now that I understand fully how wrong it is.I love these cats and will protect them even if it means that we have to move.


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## Jeano1471 (Feb 9, 2015)

I totally agree with all the above posts but i might also say to the bf everytime u shout or frighten the cats ur gonna give him a full on smack in the face. Cats do NOT understand shouting. Please look after yourself againest this pig of a man x x


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## chillminx (Nov 22, 2010)

Bumblebee77 said:


> Thanks everyone, please be assured I will take care of the situation and will not let any harm come to the cats. I will re-home or move out or whatever needs to be done before I see them hurt.I will be re-evaluating everything and we will see what happens with us and as for the cats I will not allow any more of this now that I understand fully how wrong it is.I love these cats and will protect them even if it means that we have to move.


You are in a difficult position and you have my sympathy. I believe you will do whatever needs doing to protect your lovely cats. 

Many good wishes to you. Please keep in touch and let us know how things go.


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## ameliajane (Mar 26, 2011)

I lived with someone like this. It took me years to have the sense to get away. I wish now I hadn't wasted so much time.

I guarantee he will not change and the behaviour he is now showing towards your cats could well be an early warning of how he's going to behave towards _you_ in the future. I don't know how old you are or how long you've been with this man but if you are young and looking for a partner for life and someone to have children with, you need to think very seriously about how suitable he is. And whatever age you are, do you really want to spend your time walking on eggshells, waiting for the next time he gets 'frustrated' by something. And his behaviour is likely to escalate and become more frequent over time. You sound like a lovely, kind, easy going person and I'm quite certain you could find someone equally kind, who loves you and your animals and doesn't feel the need to explode over every little thing.

I wish you all the best and will be thinking about you. Do stick around Pet Forum.


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## havoc (Dec 8, 2008)

_I guarantee he will not change and the behaviour he is now showing towards your cats could well be an early warning of how he's going to behave towards you in the future._
I've only just seen this thread and this is exactly what I've been thinking as I've read through it. I'm not just worried for your cats, I'm worried for you. You've seen a glimpse of unreasonable and violent behaviour. Please think long and hard about your options.


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## lorilu (Sep 6, 2009)

Bumblebee77 said:


> Thanks everyone, please be assured I will take care of the situation and will not let any harm come to the cats. I will re-home or move out or whatever needs to be done before I see them hurt.I will be re-evaluating everything and we will see what happens with us and as for the cats I will not allow any more of this now that I understand fully how wrong it is.I love these cats and will protect them even if it means that we have to move.


I'm so glad! I hope you will update us when you can. x


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## Kabloomybuzz (Sep 6, 2015)

Cats don't respond to punishment, they respond to positive reinforcement, he can "punish" them all he like but they won't associate the negative reaction they get with what they're doing, they'll associate it with him and they'll just carry on the behaviour when he's not around. Him treating them like this will just cause an anxiety response and cause more negative behaviours.


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