# Goodnight my darling Finley



## Finleysmum (Jan 1, 2019)

yesterday morning I had to make one of the worst decisions Of my life. My darling little boy Finley was put to sleep. My boy was losing weight, and his back legs weren’t great either but nonetheless he plodded around and seemed happy. Until Saturday night, when he fell over outside and hurt his leg. We waited to see if he had just sprained it as he had done this before but it became obvious that this wasn’t just a sprain. 

We took him to the vets on the Sunday morning, where they gave him pain medication and xrays and blood tests. We picked him up later that day, the vet said that he may have potentially fractured his leg, and that he wanted to send his xrays off to specialists to make sure he wasn’t missing anything, as he had a feeling Finley May have bone cancer but he wasn’t sure. His blood work showed that some things were great, considering he was 18, but that there were signs his kidneys were not working as they should. They gave finely back to me, he was drugged up and I was told to bring him back tomorrow. Looking back I feel like the vet let us bring him home to spend time with him, knowing he wouldn’t be here the next day once he came back. 

Finley was asleep until midnight, when he became upset, whining and panting. I was given pain relief for him by the vet, so I gave him one, which only lasted up to an hour before he was back to whining and agitation. I stayed awake all night comforting him, holding him, talking to him and trying to make it comfortable for him to sleep but he wouldn’t last long until the wave of pain hit him again. 

10:30am , and we took him to the vets. He was wrapped in his blanket, and once we got there he seemed more rested and peaceful, I don’t know if he knew? We went into the room, and the vet said that the X-ray came back and it shows he did fracture his leg, but they also found that there is potentially a mass beginning to grow in his elbow joint. She also said that she was becoming worried about his kidneys, as he hadn’t wee’d for almost 48 hours even though his bladder was full and he was drinking; he was so thirsty. It became apparent he really wasn’t well, even taking his leg out of it, his kidneys were failing and was causing him pain. I couldn’t believe it. 

This wave of dread came over me, that this was it. She said had we discussed about what to do in a circumstance like this, my mother said yes... I always said I wouldn’t let him suffer if it came down to it, but I didn’t really think this would ever happen. I always believed he would pass peacefully at home in his sleep, although that’s obviously what everyone wants for their fur babies. 

Eventually I agreed, and signed the paper. I couldn’t believe I was signing something giving someone permission to end my dogs life, I felt (and still feel) like a murderer. She took Finley outside, to have a catheter put in, and she brought him back into us. She left and gave us time to kiss him, talk to him and be there for him. She came back, and I stayed with my arms holding him. She began to administer the injection, I was kissing his face, telling him he was such a good boy, I love him, and that I was so sorry. I was a mess. I could feel his heart slow as my hand was under his chest, he took 3 deep breaths, and his head rested on my chest. I felt his heart slow to a stop, he passed before she had even finished giving him the injection. He passed so quickly, so peacefully. My mum asked if he had gone, the vet said yes he went before I had finished, she checked his heart... my darling little boy had left me to be free. I kissed him over and over, telling him how brave he was, how I love him. I felt and still feel like I betrayed him even though I know it needed to be done. I helped to wrap his blanket around him. I told him I love you, and I will see you again, wait for me. My world came down around me as I left that room. My heart feels like I have a thousand knives, ripping and twisting inside me. My poor boy. I cannot explain the guilt, although I know many on here have said the same. I wanted to make his suffering stop, I told him I would make it stop. I just can’t beljeve my little boy isn’t here now, next to me, his head resting on my lap in his little jumper. He was 18, so he had a good run. I just didn’t think he would leave me that day. I would do anything to have one more day with him, where he was happy. I love him so much. I just hope he wasn’t scared or in pain in the end, and that he knew I was there and felt comfort. My poor boy.


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## Lurcherlad (Jan 5, 2013)

Very sad to hear this, but it sounds like it was the right time for him 

Hard as it is, it’s our last act of love.

So sorry for your loss. Take care x


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## Kittynanna (Feb 15, 2015)

So very sorry for the loss of your little angel, I am sure you know already why you really had to make the decision you did, you did it for him, he is now free of pain.

It is you that will continue to suffer and grieve your loss....no words of comfort can ease it for you, but eventually you will remember him with fond memories instead of this pain......all this takes time, try and be kind to yourself.

Thinking of you, and understanding how you feel x


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## Animalfan (Oct 1, 2017)

This gave me a little peace when I once had to make that dreaded decision. Thinking of you x


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## Pebbles2018 (Jul 21, 2018)

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. You did the right thing for him and he was a lucky dog to have had you as an owner.
It was a brave thing you did and you did it for him.
thinking of you..


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## Jazzy (Apr 15, 2009)

So very sorry for your loss,I know exactly what you are feeling as we went through it just two weeks ago with our 9 year old Bichon  I’m heartbroken to lose her, miss her so much  She had a disease called Nodular Dermatofibrosis which is a disease German Shepherds are prone to and we were hoping that as she was a Bichon that it wouldn’t go to her kidneys but it did  She had large cysts covering 2/3rds of each kidney and she went downhill and stopped eating a couple of weeks before


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## Finleysmum (Jan 1, 2019)

Jazzy said:


> So very sorry for your loss,I know exactly what you are feeling as we went through it just two weeks ago with our 9 year old Bichon  I'm heartbroken to lose her, miss her so much  She had a disease called Nodular Dermatofibrosis which is a disease German Shepherds are prone to and we were hoping that as she was a Bichon that it wouldn't go to her kidneys but it did  She had large cysts covering 2/3rds of each kidney and she went downhill and stopped eating a couple of weeks before


I'm so sorry for your loss  it's a terrible pain. My Finley lost a pound in weight just over night, so I know he was really unwell. I think with internal illnesses and diseases is that they are unseen, and you can only tell they are unwell every now and then, but more so in the end. I knew he wasn't well, but I didn't really realise how unwell until the hours before we took him to the vets when he was put to sleep. I was in total shock somehow though. It's the disbelief that something you love so much can be here one second and gone the next, and it was all so final. That is what I'm struggling with too, the fact I won't see his little face looking up at me, his sparkling eyes. I'm so sorry again for your loss, I hope that if you need to reach out for any support I am always here x


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## Finleysmum (Jan 1, 2019)

Animalfan said:


> View attachment 386345
> 
> This gave me a little peace when I once had to make that dreaded decision. Thinking of you x


Thank you, I read this poem earlier too, and it definitely does help. I hope to see my baby when it's my turn to go xxx


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## Jazzy (Apr 15, 2009)

Finleysmum said:


> I'm so sorry for your loss  it's a terrible pain. My Finley lost a pound in weight just over night, so I know he was really unwell. I think with internal illnesses and diseases is that they are unseen, and you can only tell they are unwell every now and then, but more so in the end. I knew he wasn't well, but I didn't really realise how unwell until the hours before we took him to the vets when he was put to sleep. I was in total shock somehow though. It's the disbelief that something you love so much can be here one second and gone the next, and it was all so final. That is what I'm struggling with too, the fact I won't see his little face looking up at me, his sparkling eyes. I'm so sorry again for your loss, I hope that if you need to reach out for any support I am always here x


Yes I know what you mean, it's so hard to know we won't see them again and I cry when I think of her  I hate looking out of the kitchen window now knowing I will never see her sat out there in the sun in her favourite place and when the postman comes there is no little bark and the rush to the door to see who gets there first (it was always her ) I miss so many things about her, it's so hard


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## Puddy2shoes (May 10, 2018)

Hello there Finleysmum, I wish you comfort and strength as you begin your very sad journey along the lonely and painful grieving process, you call yourself Finleysmum because that’s who you are and always will be, your baby going has left your whole world empty, as life goes on for others around you yours has abruptly come to a stand still, trapped in emotional pain and emptiness, there is no avoiding this but try to get through it as best you can, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, lots of love to you Finleysmum x


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## Alexandria (Jan 6, 2013)

So sorry for your loss. It really is devastating, I couldn’t believe it when our boy went. There are so many things they shared in our lives. Just like Finley with the postman, our Koji would race to the door, doing his big howl following by lots of barking. The house feels silent, even with our two young children. There are reminders everywhere you look. I’m finding I can start to laugh about the daft things he did and am grateful for the time we had (he was only 4) before he passed. I hope you too can start to feel some comfort in Finlay’s memory too.


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## Cathryn T Baxter (Jan 14, 2019)

Finleysmum said:


> yesterday morning I had to make one of the worst decisions Of my life. My darling little boy Finley was put to sleep. My boy was losing weight, and his back legs weren't great either but nonetheless he plodded around and seemed happy. Until Saturday night, when he fell over outside and hurt his leg. We waited to see if he had just sprained it as he had done this before but it became obvious that this wasn't just a sprain.
> 
> We took him to the vets on the Sunday morning, where they gave him pain medication and xrays and blood tests. We picked him up later that day, the vet said that he may have potentially fractured his leg, and that he wanted to send his xrays off to specialists to make sure he wasn't missing anything, as he had a feeling Finley May have bone cancer but he wasn't sure. His blood work showed that some things were great, considering he was 18, but that there were signs his kidneys were not working as they should. They gave finely back to me, he was drugged up and I was told to bring him back tomorrow. Looking back I feel like the vet let us bring him home to spend time with him, knowing he wouldn't be here the next day once he came back.
> 
> ...


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## Cathryn T Baxter (Jan 14, 2019)

Dear Finleysmum, I had to do the same thing for my beautiful Monty on Wednesday 6/6/18. Reading your sad story has bought me to tears, as ike you I felt like I was a Murderer, I am still suffering the loss of my boy, but I was told not only by the Oncologist, but my vet and the senior clinician at The Health Trust who all advised me to let him go. 

On the 14th March just after his 11th birthday he became critically ill, I still cannot believe it even now, he was fine. Acute Pancreatitis was diagnosed, he was hospitalised 5 times over 2-1/2 months, they found a mass in his intestinal wall, on the final scan which was on the 5/6/18 I was told it was a rare malignant form of cancer, he would not survive the chemo and at this stage were not even going to try, as all his major organs had now been attacked. I spent one of the hardest nights, knowing in my heart it was not right for me to just keep him drugged up, with his quality of life non existent. So on the 6th I spent a hour holding him and talking to and kissing him. I knew what to expect as sadly this was not my first time. 

At 3.59 pm the injection was administered I held him and had my hand by his heart, 3 beats and he had passed, the remainder of the injection has to be completed to make sure all the other major organs had shut down. I held him for at least another half hour, until my friend with me finally said I must leave him now. Because for some terrible reason, my mind will not let me rest, I still see him taking the walk to the kennel area the day before the 5th when I left him for the scan, and in my heart I knew this was going to be a sad end. Cried all the way home could hardly see where I was going.

I can only say to you that you have done the kindest and most loving act for your fur baby. To watch him suffer is soul destroying, I went through 2-1/2 months of nursing him, thought I was getting him better, but it was not meant to be. We spent £8,500 on treatments and meds, I would have spent everything we had if it would have made him well, but it was not to be.

I am trying to think of all the fun things we did, and his little ways with things. Your loss is still raw, and I have to say I still feel like it was only yesterday. Please do not do what I keep doing and beat yourself up, he would not want that, he knew you loved him and you did the Kindest thing for him in the end. You have my heartfelt and most sincere condolences. Take care.


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