# Verruca - the Return!



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Some of you may remember that I had a verrucca - I was worried that it was swine flu or something, but it was just an ingrowing wart. Following the excellent advice of people on this forum (which ranged from going to the doctor - BORING! - to having it nibbled off by rates - possible animal abuse issues), i seemed to get the little bugger under control. The method I chose involved the liberal application of Salactol and binding the affected part with duct tape. It seemed to be working, but I have learned a valuable lesson.

NEVER TURN YOUR BACK ON A VERRUCCA!

They are imbued with a low fungal cunning and and vindictive malignancy which means that they are capable of pretending to be "cured", only to come back even worse.

It is back. I know it is the same one, as it is in the same placate (beneath the middle joint of my left big toe), and anyway I recognise it. I would know that spiteful little ingrowing lump anywhere.

It hurts worse than ever - and yes, I am soft, but some of us are just delicate. Can I help being born with the sort of sensitivity that would make a peeing princess look like a prop-forward? This daintiness is a curse - a curse, I tell you! You ruffians don't know how lucky you are.

Anyway - suggestions please. The more ridiculous the better, as I want to catch it by surprise. There will be green blobbies for the most exciting cures, but all will be gratefully received.

BTW - amputation is not an option, as I need all of my toes if I want to count to twenty at any time.


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## labradrk (Dec 10, 2012)

I've had one on the ball of my foot for a good 5+ years now. It's not very noticeable but it's still a pain. I've tried everything to get rid of it - getting it freezed at the doctors, self freezing kits, gels, random tips from the internet (tried the ductape thing etc). Nothing has worked.


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## staffgirl (May 1, 2013)

Have you tried asking it/him/her to leave? My Dad will ask wasps/bees etc to please leave the area when they're picnicing and he swears it works. Could be he's just mad of course....


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## Mulish (Feb 20, 2013)

staffgirl said:


> Have you tried asking it/him/her to leave? My Dad will ask wasps/bees etc to please leave the area when they're picnicing and he swears it works. Could be he's just mad of course....


That's sound advice. Everyone is all about the dominance nowadays when kinder methods have been proved to work so much better. Instead of trying to bully the poor thing into submission, ask it kindly to leave your foot and offer it a little gift for doing so. Maybe a dab of jam or one of those coconut marshmallow sweeties.

Peace and love are always the answer, my friend.


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## SarahBee (Jun 2, 2013)

VINEGAR!!

Grab some cotton wool, tear off a reasonable lump (larger than the verruca, but not so big you're being silly), soak in white wine vinegar (or apple cider vinegar, if you're feeling fancy) and duct tape it over the verruca overnight. In the morning, remove it, shower as usual and let it air.

It will slowly get darker and you'll be able to sort of peel it off/file it off. But keep going until there is no more black and you should be cured!


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## mollydog07 (May 26, 2012)

Have I logged into podiatrist chat by mistake?....well tonight we have a selection of foot related topics to tantalise your tootsies....how about a beautiful bunion? a cute corn?....a..mmmm...voluptuous verruca? lol.:devil:


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## tincan (Aug 30, 2012)

Oh LB my lovely ...... In your previous verruca life , i did suggest Hobbling  i believe your brother had no relief ........ This evening i had an :aureola: Do you know of any competent Spot Welders , the bloody bugga wouldn't dare show it's rooted face again


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## Guest (Jan 31, 2014)




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## welshjet (Mar 31, 2011)

Noooooooooooooooooooooooo

How on earth did it find its way out from Modland


If thats come back, gawd help what else has come back :yikes:


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## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

Following on from the dog food programme last night, you could find someone who raw feeds their dog, and liberally rub your foot across their coat (dogs that is) in the hope that it'd catch salmonella poisoning and fall off??


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## welshjet (Mar 31, 2011)

LB, now OH has dealt with my toe nails, he suggests I send this up to you










Just be careful, the injuries can be a bugger


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## Sophiebee (Jul 9, 2013)

Ive no idea how to get rid of the verruca, but id like to offer sympathy, i feel your pain as my ingrown toenail is still here with a vengance and still infected after two courses of antibiotics  ive got to back to the doctors next week though and they're gonna sort me an appointment cut the little bugger off (the nail that is, not my toe) I feel like people are not very sympathetic to my hobbling so i thought id let you know you arent alone!


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## tincan (Aug 30, 2012)

Sophiebee said:


> Ive no idea how to get rid of the verruca, but id like to offer sympathy, i feel your pain as my ingrown toenail is still here with a vengance and still infected after two courses of antibiotics  ive got to back to the doctors next week though and they're gonna sort me an appointment cut the little bugger off (the nail that is, not my toe) I feel like people are not very sympathetic to my hobbling so i thought id let you know you arent alone!


They flipping hurt like billy-o....... I used to have a nasty one , i cut a V shape in the middle of the nail , then dug the side of the nail out , cut it off  same on the other side took 3mnths but the devil has never returned lol ..... Not advocating you do this , but i sure was not going to hozzy for them to rip it off


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

staffgirl said:


> Have you tried asking it/him/her to leave? My Dad will ask wasps/bees etc to please leave the area when they're picnicing and he swears it works. Could be he's just mad of course....


Asked!? I've begged, sobbing, for the damn thing to go - but it laughs in my face (well, not quite my face, but you know what I mean.)


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Mulish said:


> That's sound advice. Everyone is all about the dominance nowadays when kinder methods have been proved to work so much better. Instead of trying to bully the poor thing into submission, ask it kindly to leave your foot and offer it a little gift for doing so. *Maybe a dab of jam or one of those coconut marshmallow sweeties.*
> 
> Peace and love are always the answer, my friend.


Mmmm - jam . . .


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## cinnamontoast (Oct 24, 2010)

Mulish said:


> Maybe a dab of jam or one of those coconut marshmallow sweeties.


I really really like those coconut sweets 



Sleeping_Lion said:


> Following on from the dog food programme last night, you could find someone who raw feeds their dog, and liberally rub your foot across their coat (dogs that is) in the hope that it'd catch salmonella poisoning and fall off??


I was gaping at that. My OH asked what the hell she meant and I honestly couldn't explain it. Cos it was bull$hit! I know she wants to sell her product, but seriously! 

I had a charming crop that just went


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

tincan said:


> They flipping hurt like billy-o....... I used to have a nasty one ,* i cut a V shape in the middle of the nail , then dug the side of the nail out , cut it off*  *same on the other side took 3mnths* but the devil has never returned lol ..... Not advocating you do this , but i sure was not going to hozzy for them to rip it off


I think I may be going to be sick . . .

So what hasn't returned - your toe, or your entire foot?

Do these appendages re-grow, like a starfish leg? I know little about biology.


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## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

I have to add the disclaimer to my method now, that if your whole foot catches salmonella and falls off, well that's your own risk I'm afraid.


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Tonight I try the jam.

Tomorrow, if there is no improvement, I will order the black and decker attachments so thoughtfully suggested.

Then - the vinegar!

I will keep you updated - please send more cures, so that if the others fail, I can keep trying.:thumbup1:


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## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

I notice there's no specific type of jam recommended, could be a bit risky winging it.


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## cinnamontoast (Oct 24, 2010)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> I notice there's no specific type of jam recommended, could be a bit risky winging it.


Can't go wrong with raspberry seeded-good friction there. :yesnod:


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## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

cinnamontoast said:


> Can't go wrong with raspberry seeded-good friction there. :yesnod:


I was thinking rhubarb and ginger as another option......


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## cinnamontoast (Oct 24, 2010)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> I was thinking rhubarb and ginger as another option......


Gutted that I left a jar up north that dad made


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## Sophiebee (Jul 9, 2013)

tincan said:


> They flipping hurt like billy-o....... I used to have a nasty one , i cut a V shape in the middle of the nail , then dug the side of the nail out , cut it off  same on the other side took 3mnths but the devil has never returned lol ..... Not advocating you do this , but i sure was not going to hozzy for them to rip it off


I have tried this but the bit thats stuck in WILL NOT BUDGE, its made itself right at home and i cant dig it out! its a small bit thats pierced the skin and now has a big lump of flesh over it so i just cant get at it to dig it out (all attempts result in lots of blood/swear words from me!)

Lostbear- a quick visit to dr google suggests banana skins to send the verruca packing- 'slimy side down with a plaster over' dunno if you tried this but maybe if it doesnt like jam?


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

QUICK UPDATE

Just put some jam on - that method for charming bees and wasps - does anyone know if it works on ants?

Staffgirl - is your dad busy at the minute? If I rang him up, do you think his prowess as a hymenoptera-whisperer would work over the phone?


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## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

Oh my life, the suspense is killing me, WHAT SORT OF JAM??


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> I notice there's no specific type of jam recommended, could be a bit risky winging it.


Maybe that's where I went wrong - I used apricot. Maybe it's the wrong type?


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## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

lostbear said:


> Maybe that's where I went wrong - I used apricot. Maybe it's the wrong type?


Oooh, apricot, hmmm, well, at least you could succesfully marzipan and ice your toe if necessary, I believe it's what they use in cake decorating.


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> Oh my life, the suspense is killing me, WHAT SORT OF JAM??


I would really really like to know this too. As quickly as possible. Please.

Or has anyone got an anteater I could foster for a couple of days???????


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## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

lostbear said:


> I would really really like to know this too. As quickly as possible. Please.
> 
> Or has anyone got an anteater I could foster for a couple of days???????


Call me nouveau riche if you like, at least in *taste* but personally, I'd opt for manuka honey. No plain and simple jam here I'm afraid.


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sophiebee said:


> dr google[/B]
> I'm sure he lost his license after a malpractice suit some months ago
> suggests banana skins to send the verruca packing-* 'slimy side down with a plaster over' *dunno if you tried this but maybe if it doesnt like jam?


I suspect I will have plaster ALL over if I try walking about on a banana skin, slimy side down.

But thank you for your research efforts on my behalf. I appreciate it.


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## Sophiebee (Jul 9, 2013)

lostbear said:


> I suspect I will have plaster ALL over if I try walking about on a banana skin, slimy side down.
> 
> But thank you for your research efforts on my behalf. I appreciate it.


Haha yeah it doesnt seem like the safest suggestion- between you and me im not sure hes even a real doctor  but he is always available and is very reassuring when he informs you that that niggling headache is actually a brain tumour!


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## Roger Downes (Sep 17, 2013)

I must admit to being absolutely appalled by this thread. Has not one of the contributors considered the human rights of the Verruca family who have taken residence in Lostbears foot?
If the Europeon Court of Human Rights gets to hear about what has been suggested to try and evict the Verruca family, you will be in for the high jump. From coercion with Jam, all the way through to digging or even using a Angle Grinder to evict the Verruca`s has been said.
I plead with you Lostbear to consider the Europeon Convention Of Human Rights article 2 "Right to life" and also article 8 "Right to a private and family life" before doing anything hasty to the Verruca family lodged in your foot.


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## Sophiebee (Jul 9, 2013)

Roger Downes said:


> I must admit to being absolutely appalled by this thread. Has not one of the contributors considered the human rights of the Verruca family who have taken residence in Lostbears foot?
> If the Europeon Court of Human Rights gets to hear about what has been suggested to try and evict the Verruca family, you will be in for the high jump. From coercion with Jam, all the way through to digging or even using a Angle Grinder to evict the Verruca`s has been said.
> I plead with you Lostbear to consider the Europeon Convention Of Human Rights article 2 "Right to life" and also article 8 "Right to a private and family life" before doing anything hasty to the Verruca family lodged in your foot.


Oh yes- also the verruca family are surely entitled to housing (i.e the foot) and probably some sort of benefits too....


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## staffgirl (May 1, 2013)

lostbear said:


> Staffgirl - is your dad busy at the minute? If I rang him up, do you think his prowess as a hymenoptera-whisperer would work over the phone?


It's a quiet time of year for bees and wasps so he's fairly free. I'll ask him to give you a call once he's moved on a field of moles that he is working with in Cambridgeshire. That's moles as in small furries, not moles as in things on human skin. Mind you, he could probably expand his repertoire to include them too.


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## staffgirl (May 1, 2013)

Sophiebee said:


> Oh yes- also the verruca family are surely entitled to housing (i.e the foot) and probably some sort of benefits too....


Hah hah! I can see a new documentary on Channel 4. "Benefits Feet".


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## tincan (Aug 30, 2012)

My God "Right to a private and family life" before doing anything hasty to the Verruca family lodged in your foot. ..... 


Are these things allowed to breed ? .... As a taxpayer i object to my hard earned cash financing .... Things that hang around on the sole of my foot ...


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Roger Downes said:


> I must admit to being absolutely appalled by this thread. Has not one of the contributors considered the human rights of the Verruca family who have taken residence in Lostbears foot?
> If the Europeon Court of Human Rights gets to hear about what has been suggested to try and evict the Verruca family, you will be in for the high jump. From coercion with Jam, all the way through to digging or even using a Angle Grinder to evict the Verruca`s has been said.
> I plead with you Lostbear to consider the Europeon Convention Of Human Rights article 2 "Right to life" and also article 8 "Right to a private and family life" before doing anything hasty to the Verruca family lodged in your foot.


You barrack-room lawyers never stop, do you?

What about my yooman rites? What about the rights of my big toe to enjoy a quiet family life with the rest of my toes, without having verrucca neighbours playing loud music at all hours of the day and night, not to mention their funny food - do you know these things eat _toe cheese?!_ As for 'private and family life' - I knew that when the verruca got itself a goldfish that it had more in mind than just a loving scaly companion - reading the legislation, this is evidence that the bloody thing has settled and is a legal citizen of my foot!

Well, bugger that! I'll go to jail for the principles at stake here - the right to a foot free of fungal squatters, the right to be able to take both my socks off in the swimming baths (you wouldn't believe the looks you get when you go in with a sock on), and the right to use an angle-grinder on my feet if I so choose!

Of course, Roger - if you would like to offer the humble verruca family a home on _your _foot . . .


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sophiebee said:


> Oh yes- also the verruca family are surely entitled to housing (i.e the foot) and probably some sort of benefits too....


As their landlady I must be entitled to some of that cash! I'll get the forms!


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

tincan said:


> My God "Right to a private and family life" before doing anything hasty to the Verruca family lodged in your foot. .....
> 
> *
> Are these things allowed to breed ? * .... As a taxpayer i object to my hard earned cash financing .... Things that hang around on the sole of my foot ...


You try stopping the little buggers! They're worse than rabbits on viagra.


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

staffgirl said:


> Hah hah! I can see a new documentary on Channel 4. "Benefits Feet".


Actually - I would probably watch that . . .


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

I'd also like to thank the anonymous donor who left the anteater on our doorstep twenty minutes ago. I am a lot more comfortable now, thank you, but it's chewing its way through the woodlice under the kitchen sink now, and it has the runs.

Any advice, anyone?


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## cinnamontoast (Oct 24, 2010)

What an appalling owner you are! You shouldn't change its food so quickly! Northern woodlice have different contents to other woodlice. You should cook some soft oiled eggs and some white pappy useless rice immediately!


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## Roger Downes (Sep 17, 2013)

Sophiebee said:


> Oh yes- also the verruca family are surely entitled to housing (i.e the foot) and probably some sort of benefits too....


Good point, but the Verruca family need to be informed that if there is a spare bedroom in their house they could lose some of their benefits.


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

cinnamontoast said:


> *What an appalling owner you are!*
> I feel so ashamed . . .
> 
> You shouldn't change its food so quickly! Northern woodlice have different contents to other woodlice.
> ...


I have a fridge full of oiled eggs - they are ant eggs the fish didn't fancy, so will be doubly appropriate. And was that white pappy rice, or white pappy lice? (I know what this autocorrect thingy is like.) Not that it matters - we have both - I'll make it a salad.

After reading this thread, the verruca has starred to get ideas - I swear I can hear it singing "We shall not be moved", and it is waving a red flag. When I tried to put vinegar on it, it just held out a tiny bag of chips. Now what do I do?


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## Roger Downes (Sep 17, 2013)

tincan said:


> My God "Right to a private and family life" before doing anything hasty to the Verruca family lodged in your foot. .....
> 
> Are these things allowed to breed ? .... As a taxpayer i object to my hard earned cash financing .... Things that hang around on the sole of my foot ...


Please refer to the Europeon Convention that has been active in the UK since the year 2000. And yes these "things" are allowed to breed wherever they wish.
I do have sympathy for you if they do "hang round on the sole of your foot" But with current legislation, little can be done.


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## Jonescat (Feb 5, 2012)

You must be brave and follow these instructions to the letter:


Get a job as a barmaid at a summer festival
Leave the taps on the barrels to drip
Work your socks off - you have to be barefoot
Burn the beer tent down, or get some one else to do it accidentally
Wait until everything is cool and then resume work - keep it up non-stop for the whole weekend -this is important

Two days paddling in a poultice of the ancient cure-alls of beer, ash and mud will have put the verruca family off you as a residence.

Good luck.


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## Picklelily (Jan 2, 2013)

I have been told lemon grass essential oil applied to the verruca works and if it doesn't at least your foot smells nice and can be dipped in a stirfry for extra flavour.

Alternatively I have also been told that the sap from a Dandelion works but if the other old wives tale about them is true you could be in for a damp night.  WAIT that's it you use the dandelion and your verruca gets soaked in urine overnight, hey presto a cure


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## Roger Downes (Sep 17, 2013)

lostbear said:


> You barrack-room lawyers never stop, do you?
> 
> What about my yooman rites? What about the rights of my big toe to enjoy a quiet family life with the rest of my toes, without having verrucca neighbours playing loud music at all hours of the day and night, not to mention their funny food - do you know these things eat _toe cheese?!_ As for 'private and family life' - I knew that when the verruca got itself a goldfish that it had more in mind than just a loving scaly companion - reading the legislation, this is evidence that the bloody thing has settled and is a legal citizen of my foot!
> 
> ...


 I do suggest you get yourself a good lawyer if go ahead and evict the Verruca family from their lawful place of residence. In fact the Verruca`s have asked me to represent them should any illegal eviction take place, a request that I am pondering.
As for your very kind offer of having the Verruca family taking residence on my foot, thank you but no thank you. When I was a youngster I had them lodging in my foot, but they where removed with a Pumice stone and many visits to a clinic  (Pre Strasbourg days you must understand).


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## Kittenfostermummy (Jul 25, 2011)

I have heard that urine is a good one to try (or is that warts??) well whatever I am sure if you get some anteater wee and apply that it will work wonders and the verruca will soon be on the run not the return!!!


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Roger Downes said:


> I do suggest you get yourself a good lawyer if go ahead and evict the Verruca family from their lawful place of residence. In fact *the Verruca`s have asked me to represent them should any illegal eviction take place, a request that I am pondering.*
> As for your very kind offer of having the Verruca family taking residence on my foot, thank you but no thank you. When I was a youngster I had them lodging in my foot, but they where removed with a Pumice stone and many visits to a clinic  (Pre Strasbourg days you must understand).


QUISLING! :incazzato::incazzato::incazzato:


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Jonescat said:


> You must be brave and follow these instructions to the letter:
> 
> 
> Get a job as a barmaid at a summer festival
> ...





Picklelily said:


> I have been told lemon grass essential oil applied to the verruca works and if it doesn't *at least your foot smells nice *.
> 
> That would be a refreshing change.
> 
> ...


Well, Mr Roger "I'll represent anyone who pays me" Mercenary-Downes - what does the European Court of Yooman Rites have to say about that?

Hang on - that's HUMAN rights, isn't it? Tell me, my learned friend - is there a European Court of *Fungal* Rights? 



Kittenfostermummy said:


> I have heard that *urine is a good one to try (or is that warts??)*
> 
> er - do I just rub it on, or have I got to drink it? Because if I have to drink it, I think I'd rather host a Verruca convention. Of course, if it's arts, I expect it works because warts and verrucae have a history of hostilities going back centuries. The influx of a family of warts might cause these to flare up again. Having seen the state of Palestine, I'm not sure that I would want all-out war on my toe, anyway - and I would still have to evict the victor - but thanks for the suggestion. Itmay come to that in the end.
> 
> ...


Thank you for all of this - the beer one is certainly promising, but I may be taking it internally. Of course, that could result in the urine one. We will see.


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## Mulish (Feb 20, 2013)

Roger Downes said:


> Good point, but the Verruca family need to be informed that if there is a spare bedroom in their house they could lose some of their benefits.


I'm kinda disappointed in their lawyer taking this view. Why does everyone assume that the verruca is a council tenant living off of benefits? I'ts pure bigotry. "Oh it's a wart thing, clearly it's not paying it's own way!"

We only have LB's side of the story and having read previous threads of hers I wouldn't be at all surprised to find out she's an unscrupulous land lady (no offence but you only need to see the shoddy level of care she's given the anteater to gauge her level of moral responsibility). I am rapidly coming to the conclusion that an athlete's foot infection has just offered a tidy sum for her toe in order to build some posh flats. Probably as part of some foot regeneration scheme. Now she's looking for ways to evict a perfectly respectable verruca family from their home so she can cash in.

Frankly I'm disgusted with this entire thread. Shame on all of you


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## welshjet (Mar 31, 2011)

LB, I think we have got to the stage now where need to see what type of squatting rights vera verruca has taken up


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## Kittenfostermummy (Jul 25, 2011)

OH god my eyes they burn!!! I have just seen LBs foot and I want to vomit!!!










I think LB you need to pee in a bucket all day and then soak your whole foot in it all evening for the next week to evict the little buggars before this happens!!!


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## welshjet (Mar 31, 2011)

:yikes: :yikes::yikes: Fook me, I nearly fell off the chair


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Mulish said:


> I'm kinda disappointed in their lawyer taking this view. Why does everyone assume that the verruca is a council tenant living off of benefits? I'ts pure bigotry. "Oh it's a wart thing, clearly it's not paying it's own way!"
> 
> We only have LB's side of the story and having read previous threads of hers I wouldn't be at all surprised to find out she's an unscrupulous land lady (no offence but* you only need to see the shoddy level of care she's given the anteater to gauge her level of moral responsibility*).
> 
> ...


*

You bleeding-heart liberals - wait till it happens to you.*


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## Roger Downes (Sep 17, 2013)

As the Verruca`s lawyer, I can assure you these slur's against my professional judgement and name have not been unnoticed. Such words as "Bigotry" "Represent anybody who pays me" "Mercenary" have all been levied at me. Personally I think certain individuals are trying to pooh-pooh my heroic defence of the Verruca family from eviction from Lostbears foot.
It has also been noted that the Verrucas have been selling cut price DVD`s, so proving this family are huge benefit to the economy of this country. Please think twice Lostbear before doing anything hasty regarding this entrepreneurial family lodged in your foot. 
Indeed even if it gives you a noticeable limp for the rest of your life, that would be a small price to pay for the satisfaction of knowing how you helped this poor downtrodden family.


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Roger Downes said:


> As the Verruca`s lawyer, I can assure you these slur's against my professional judgement and name have not been unnoticed. Such words as "Bigotry" "Represent anybody who pays me" "Mercenary" have all been levied at me.* Personally I think certain individuals are trying to pooh-pooh my heroic defence of the Verruca family from eviction from Lostbears foot.*
> It has also been noted that the Verrucas have been selling cut price DVD`s, so proving this family are huge benefit to the economy of this country. Please think twice Lostbear before doing anything hasty regarding this entrepreneurial family lodged in your foot.
> Indeed even if it gives you a noticeable limp for the rest of your life, that would be a small price to pay for the satisfaction of knowing how you helped this poor downtrodden family.


The verrucas have no known income - and as fungal infections do not qualify for legal aid, you will have to whistle for your fee.

Why is it always the innocent who suffer i these situations - there were my toes, minding their own business, leading quiet lives of sockly contentment, and then this - this -_ thing_ jumps onto them, threatens them with disfigurement, establishes itself as a sort of podiatry bully-boy, and as usual, the authorities do nothing!

Well, I've been onto that friend of Paul O'Grady (tall woman - Liverpudlian - big hair) who has agreed to 'send somebody round' to 'have a word' and 'sort them out'. Her friends will explain what a lot of difficulty is being caused and appeal to the verrucas better nature.

Failing that, I believe they have a flame-thrower.

Does anyone know how long anteaters live? It's been coughing up ant balls for the past hour. The floor is covered with little crispy clumps of exoskeletons - the cats are crunching them up all over the place.


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Kittenfostermummy said:


> OH god my eyes they burn!!! *I have just seen LBs foot and I want to vomit!!! *
> Here! There's worse feet than mine - there's Anthea Turner's feet - they're awful, they are; and Baldrick's; and Darcey Bussell's - ballet dancers have square toes and no toenails and bunions and all sorts of stuff wrong with their feet.
> 
> 
> ...


Consider it done! If their lawyer wants to fish 'em out and lodge an appeal, he is welcome. (I'd get a peg for your nose, Roge, and a pair of Marigolds, if I were you . . .)


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## Roger Downes (Sep 17, 2013)

lostbear said:


> The verrucas have no known income - and as fungal infections do not qualify for legal aid, you will have to whistle for your fee.
> 
> Why is it always the innocent who suffer i these situations - there were my toes, minding their own business, leading quiet lives of sockly contentment, and then this - this -_ thing_ jumps onto them, threatens them with disfigurement, establishes itself as a sort of podiatry bully-boy, and as usual, the authorities do nothing!
> 
> ...


Thanking you for your response on this delicate matter.
As for my fee, the Infectious Diseases Society of America (IDSA) have stepped in to pay my substantial fee 
Please do not refer to my client as "this thing", they are a very sensitive family and are getting upset by this derogatory term. 
I believe this will prove a test case for all Verruca family's in the UK regarding their housing rights. I strongly recommend you dont use any force against my client. ie No flame throwers   
PS I dont know how long Anteaters live,nor can I represent them. And I definitely dont own a pair of Marigolds (there are limits for defending my client!) 
Quisling my foot!!


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## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

Can I just warn people not to google anything to do with verucas, or unusual verucas, not the first place that comes to mind


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## cinnamontoast (Oct 24, 2010)

Sweet Jesus, SL, why did you say that?!

OMG:









Why quisling? What's wrong with collaborator as a word?


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> Can I just warn people not to google anything to do with verucas, or unusual verucas, not the first place that comes to mind


Eeeeuw!

Why did you tell me not to look? You know that it becomes a challenge . . .


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## tashi (Dec 5, 2007)

Think that is enough of the google pictures on here now, not very pleasant to look at 

Don't mind you having a bit if fun but we can all google if we wish to see gross photos :devil:


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

cinnamontoast said:


> Sweet Jesus, SL, why did you say that?!
> 
> Why quisling? What's wrong with collaborator as a word?


Quisling is more exciting. And more traitorous.


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## Kittenfostermummy (Jul 25, 2011)

cinnamontoast said:


> Sweet Jesus, SL, why did you say that?!
> 
> OMG:
> IMAGE REMOVED!!
> ...


How sweet Jesus does a verruca even get there?? Foot fetish maybe?!? Did then sniff one too many feet?!?!?! :sosp:


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## Jonescat (Feb 5, 2012)

What species of anteater? The giant ones (my favourite) can live 16 years in capitivity, they have some at Paignton Zoo, they might take yours if you can certify that he is verruca free.

Your cats on the other hand are simply ahead of the times - we will all be eating insects in the 22nd century.


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## Royoyo (Feb 21, 2013)

cinnamontoast said:


> Sweet Jesus, SL, why did you say that?!
> 
> OMG:
> 
> ...


   

They should really invent a vomiting smiley for PF.


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Jonescat said:


> What species of anteater? The giant ones (my favourite) can live 16 years in capitivity, they have some at Paignton Zoo, they might take yours if you can certify that he is verruca free.
> 
> Your cats on the other hand are simply ahead of the times - we will all be eating insects in the 22nd century.


It IS pretty big - takes up the full length of the settee - yes, it's a giant anteater, alright.

As they are your favourite, would you like this one? Apart from the constant demand for red ants, white ants, black ants, flying ants, honey ants, soldier ants, fire ants and Cornettos, he isn't a ha'porth of bother.

Cats like him and snuggle in his fur, and I have found his long nose very useful for getting back the dropped forks from behind the cooker, and his thick, bushy tail is ideal for rapid clearing of cat biscuit and abandoned pet toys when anyone drops in unexpectedly.

I would keep him myself, but the estimate for having an anteater flap put into a double-glazed patio door is, quite frankly, iniquitous.


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## Jonescat (Feb 5, 2012)

Hmm might work - do your cats ride him? One of mine would. Only trouble is we have no ants - can you feed them slugs? The only other option would be to take him across to the playground each day before the woodpecker gets there.

Cornettos I think we can manage.


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## cinnamontoast (Oct 24, 2010)

Jonescat said:


> Hmm might work - do your cats ride him? One of mine would. Only trouble is we have no ants - can you feed them slugs? The only other option would be to take him across to the playground each day before the woodpecker gets there.
> 
> Cornettos I think we can manage.


So surreal, utterly random!


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Jonescat said:


> Hmm might work - do your cats ride him? One of mine would. Only trouble is we have no ants - can you feed them slugs? The only other option would be to take him across to the playground each day before the woodpecker gets there.
> 
> Cornettos I think we can manage.


Mmm - hasn't shown any interest in slugs, but it may depend on how hungry he gets, I suppose. Earwigs are acceptable, woodlice and big black garden beetles go down a treat (though you have to slice the beetles up - I use a hand blender). We haven't seen a single cat flea since he came into the house, and I've been asked to take him round to the local schools to deal with an outbreak of nits, so he does have his uses.

Yes - the cats ride him - the ginger ninjas are clinging on and purring like tiny orange tractors at this very moment as he gallops at full anteater speed (about three miles an hour) around the furniture. They all seem to be enjoying themselves.

I'll drop him off at yours - see how he settles.

Oh - and he seems to like Guinness. Perhaps it is ant-flavoured - who knows. DON'T let him drink milk - it seems he is lactose intolerant. I have named him Mr Snuffles, but he doesn't answer to it (or anything else) so feel free to re-name him at your pleasure.

Your doorbell is ringing now - he is in the large box on the step. I have to dash. Don't bother to thank me - a good deed is its own reward etc etc etc. (*limps away as rapidly as the rowdy verruca family will allow*)


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## Guest (Feb 2, 2014)

Veruca Salt...


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## Jonescat (Feb 5, 2012)

Oh my word he's big! And so sure of himself - Marched straight passed me as soon as I opened the box and said where was the telly, he wanted to watch the tennis.


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Jonescat said:


> Oh my word he's big! And so sure of himself - Marched straight passed me as soon as I opened the box and said where was the telly, he wanted to watch the tennis.


He likes you - I can tell. I also maybe should have mentioned that with that 18 foot long tongue he can operate the remote even if you hide it under a cushion in another room. And he can steal your m&ms - it's easier just to give them to him.

Your living room is bigger than mine - he looks happier than he was with me. What do the cats think of him?


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## Roger Downes (Sep 17, 2013)

Jonescat said:


> Oh my word he's big! And so sure of himself - Marched straight passed me as soon as I opened the box and said where was the telly, he wanted to watch the tennis.


OMG he is a whopper , dont upset him whatever you do. If he starts to get restless watching the Tennis, try calming him by playing some music......Adam And The Ants and Ant Music might keep his attention.


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## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

I may be wrong, but either that's his face painted on his bottom, or his feet are on backwards


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## Jonescat (Feb 5, 2012)

The cats are in emergency session behind the sofa, refusing to come out until Mr Snuffles has agreed safe passage for Bugsy's woodlice collection. Mr Snuffles is asleep. Not sure how this will resolve itself - wondering if I have done the right thing?


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Jonescat said:


> The cats are in emergency session behind the sofa, refusing to come out until Mr Snuffles has agreed safe passage for Bugsy's woodlice collection. Mr Snuffles is asleep. Not sure how this will resolve itself - wondering if I have done the right thing?


YES! YES! Of course you have - honest! Why, he's a big softy, really! I understand Bugsy's concern about his woodlouse collection - why, I myself used to collect centipedes as a young woman. I had almost the full set. When a local blackbird broke into the box and scoffed the lot, it damn near broke my heart (*sniff*), in fact it did - I can't even look at (*sniff*) a centipede, or even a (*muffled sob*) picture of one without filling up and (*tears flowing like rivers down face*), and, and - no - it's no use. I can't type anymore - my fingers are crying. . . .

I will compose myself and come back later. . . .

But my advice is - keep the lid on the jar! :crying:

(*bursts into tears, entire body raked with sobs*) "Woody! Bootsie! All my boys and girls . . . . "


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## Mulish (Feb 20, 2013)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> I may be wrong, but either that's his face painted on his bottom, or his feet are on backwards


All anteaters have their feet on backwards, it's what makes them immune to verrucas and awesome at moonwalking.


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## staffgirl (May 1, 2013)

This thread should get an award for services to humour. It's just brilliant!


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## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

Mulish said:


> All anteaters have their feet on backwards, it's what makes them immune to verrucas and awesome at moonwalking.


That's it!!! The solution!!! LB, you just need to have your foot, or to be sure the other foot doesn't gain unwanted residents, perhaps both of them amputated, and put on backwards!! Of course you may have some severe side effects, such as the moonwalking, although you could join a Michael Jackson fan club to make you feel at home. I'm also not entirely sure whether you'd walk backwards forwards, or forwards backwards!


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## Mulish (Feb 20, 2013)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> That's it!!! The solution!!! LB, you just need to have your foot, or to be sure the other foot doesn't gain unwanted residents, perhaps both of them amputated, and put on backwards!! Of course you may have some severe side effects, such as the moonwalking, although you could join a Michael Jackson fan club to make you feel at home. I'm also not entirely sure whether you'd walk backwards forwards, or forwards backwards!


It seems so obvious now you've pointed it out! Why did no-one think of it before?

Obviously this is going to require quite some commitment, LB. I suggest, to ease you into your new persona, you befriend someone called Annie and repeatedly ask them if they're okay.


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## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

Mulish said:


> It seems so obvious now you've pointed it out! Why did no-one think of it before?
> 
> Obviously this is going to require quite some commitment, LB. I suggest, to ease you into your new persona, you befriend someone called Annie and repeatedly ask them if they're okay.


OOOOhhhh, ooooh, even better, find a Liberian girl called Annie!!!!


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## cinnamontoast (Oct 24, 2010)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> OOOOhhhh, ooooh, even better, find a Liberian girl called Annie!!!!


Wasn't he referring to the drowned girl dragged from the Seine, whose modelled face adorned many buildings for years after and on whom the resuscannie doll is based? I don't know if she had verrucas or not or if you need to be resuscitated for them


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## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

cinnamontoast said:


> Wasn't he referring to the drowned girl dragged from the Seine, whose modelled face adorned many buildings for years after and on whom the resuscannie doll is based? I don't know if she had verrucas or not or if you need to be resuscitated for them


 No idea, but this thread just got very intellectual!

Hmmm river verucas...... whole different problem!!


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## cinnamontoast (Oct 24, 2010)

Link is in English:
Rescue Annie: L'Inconnue de la Seine - Neatorama


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> That's it!!! The solution!!! LB, you just need to have your foot, or to be sure the other foot doesn't gain unwanted residents, perhaps both of them amputated, and put on backwards!! Of course you may have some severe side effects, such as the moonwalking, although you could join a Michael Jackson fan club to make you feel at home. I'm also not entirely sure whether you'd walk backwards forwards, or forwards backwards!


SL - that is inspired! How did it not occur to me before - I'll away to the doc and make arrangements asap.

I have already spoken to a friend of mine who is a doctor, and asked if there is a humane medical solution to the verruca problem.

Apparently they can cut them out, and then they send them to a farm - a really nice place in the countryside, where they can play in the fields all day with all the other verrucas. I think it will enjoy this - having company of its own kind, and all the fresh air and stuff. And my toe will get its freedom back. Looks like smiley faces all round! :big grin:

But getting my feet put on back to front may well prevent a recurrence.


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Mulish said:


> It seems so obvious now you've pointed it out! Why did no-one think of it before?
> 
> Obviously this is going to require quite some commitment, LB. I suggest, to ease you into your new persona, you befriend someone called Annie and repeatedly ask them if they're okay.


I won't have to have 27 nose jobs will I? Or anything like that. I do tend to lose one of every pair of gloves I buy, so I suppose that has to be an advantage.


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## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

lostbear said:


> I won't have to have 27 nose jobs will I? Or anything like that. I do tend to lose one of every pair of gloves I buy, so I suppose that has to be an advantage.


Hmmmmmm *sucks air in a la plumber quote* have you got a small toddler you can practice dangling, that may help get past the lack of nose jobs.


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## cheekyscrip (Feb 8, 2010)

you must be cursed...
there are some methods to undo the spell(black cocks at crossroads on a moonless night etc..)..surely cat section.black BSH owners might help?

(unless you crossed one of them and therefore the trouble!)

_cheeky runs to hide ,spitting three times over her left shoulder..._


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> Hmmmmmm *sucks air in a la plumber quote* *have you got a small toddler you can practice dangling,* that may help get past the lack of nose jobs.


I could probably borrow a couple. The girl down the street is a childminder. SHe has loads of them - she'll not miss a few.



cheekyscrip said:


> you must be cursed...
> there are some methods to undo the spell(black cocks at crossroads on a moonless night etc..)..surely cat section.black BSH owners might help?
> 
> (unless you crossed one of them and therefore the trouble!)
> ...


Here - that was my jacket! I'll have you know my spitting cobra goes crackers if I come home with anyone's spit except his all over me clothes! What are you trying to do - break up the best anthro-herpetological relationship since Eve and the Serpent? (Mmm - possibly not the best comparison . . . )


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## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

lostbear said:


> I could probably borrow a couple. The girl down the street is a childminder. SHe has loads of them - she'll not miss a few


Could be a solution, all you have to do is remember you are not alone, although everything may not be black or white, it's not all bad. It's only human nature to feel the way you make me feel, just remember the time, jam, how did that happen!! Restraining the urge to grab crotch and screeeeaaaam ooooooooohhhhhhhhhh whilst jumping about..... must resist the Michael Jackson effect.............

Perhaps verucas are easier


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## muffin789 (Jan 28, 2013)

<backs away quietly, and pulls the door gently shut behind her>


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## cheekyscrip (Feb 8, 2010)

lostbear said:


> I could probably borrow a couple. The girl down the street is a childminder. SHe has loads of them - she'll not miss a few.
> 
> Here - that was my jacket! I'll have you know my spitting cobra goes crackers if I come home with anyone's spit except his all over me clothes! What are you trying to do - break up the best anthro-herpetological relationship since Eve and the Serpent? (Mmm - possibly not the best comparison . . . )


snake venom has a very potent charm...so ask your pet nicely to spit on your verucca..and then...hopefully that succubus will vanish?

remember towear goggles in case your pet might have bad aim..or bad intentions...


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## staffgirl (May 1, 2013)

muffin789 said:


> <backs away quietly, and pulls the door gently shut behind her>


Too late! We know you're there! Join in - it's like a real life episode of Monty Python surreal madness!!!!


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## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

staffgirl said:


> Too late! We know you're there! Join in - it's like a real life episode of Monty Python surreal madness!!!!


Dammit, I thought Monty Python was a documentary??!!


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## muffin789 (Jan 28, 2013)

Noooo!!!!! I'm too scared to stay in here for long! I don't want an anteater, or a spitting snake, or to be taken to court by vituperous verrucas with a vexatious attitude!! I jus wan a quiet life guv!


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## Jonescat (Feb 5, 2012)

It's ok, the anteater is probably settled. Negotiations are ongoing but I am hopeful for black smoke soon.


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## cinnamontoast (Oct 24, 2010)

Jonescat said:


> It's ok, the anteater is probably settled. Negotiations are ongoing but I am hopeful for black smoke soon.


White smoke, dammit, white!


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## Roger Downes (Sep 17, 2013)

Unfortunately I am no longer acting on behalf of the Verruca family as their solicitor.
I cannot go into details for the split due to client confidentiality rules, but it did involve a box load of "Des O`Connor Greatest Hits" CD`s the Verruca`s were trying to pass on to me.
I contacted Rumpole of the Bailey to take on the Verruca`s case for me, but he was too inebriated by his afternoon bottle of Port to get any sense out of. So I have entrusted this case with my old friend Perry Mason who you will soon be hearing from.


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## staffgirl (May 1, 2013)

I can just see the consultation when poor Lostbear limps back to her doctor.

Lostbear: I can't get rid of these verrucas.

Dr: What have you tried so far?

LB: Well... snake venom, an anteater, duct tape with raspberry and rhubarb/ginger jam, marshmallows, staffgirl's dad whispered to them, tried rubbing salmonella on them, banana skins, vinegar, a beer poultice, lemon grass oil, urine, anteater urine, Paul O'Grady's mate Lily something-or-other came round and swore at them for a bit, a sander, a flamethrower. And now I'm being sued by some dodgy lawyer bloke for cruelty to the Verruca family and the Anteater Protection League are doing me for abandonment.

Dr: I'm not sure where you've been getting your advice from......

Poor Lostbear!


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## staffgirl (May 1, 2013)

Roger Downes said:


> Unfortunately I am no longer acting on behalf of the Verruca family as their solicitor.
> I cannot go into details for the split due to client confidentiality rules, but it did involve a box load of "Des O`Connor Greatest Hits" CD`s the Verruca`s were trying to pass on to me.
> I contacted Rumpole of the Bailey to take on the Verruca`s case for me, but he was too inebriated by his afternoon bottle of Port to get any sense out of. So I have entrusted this case with my old friend Perry Mason who you will soon be hearing from.


I do hope you're suing the Verruca family for attempted Cruelty to Ears and Musical Sensiblities through the use of Des O'Connor CDs.


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## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

Dammit, Monty Python's not real?? So all that stuff about rat pie?? And spam?? And isn't that how lumberjacks normally dress??


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## ScruffyCat (Jun 7, 2013)

lostbear said:


> QUICK UPDATE
> 
> Just put some jam on - that method for charming bees and wasps - does anyone know if it works on ants?


Have you tried marmite? there is a 50/50% chance that your verruca will be utterly disgusted with being smothered in marmite and sod off of its own accord never to return..... 
However, that could backfire if your opportunist foot friend has a liking for the savoury spread. As it will never leave and as word gets round you will be housing hundreds of the little blighters waiting with baited breath for the next savoury instalment  (hmm I am seeing a theme occurring..)


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

cheekyscrip said:


> snake venom has a very potent charm...so ask your pet nicely to spit on your verucca..and then...hopefully that succubus will vanish?
> 
> *
> remember towear goggles in case your pet might have bad aim..or bad intentions*...


As he is incensed with jealousy at the moment, I may need to let him calm down. But the basic idea is a good one. I wonder why I didn't think of it before.


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> Dammit, I thought Monty Python was a documentary??!!


So did I - another illusion shattered!


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

muffin789 said:


> Noooo!!!!! I'm too scared to stay in here for long! I don't want an anteater, or a spitting snake, or to be taken to court by vituperous verrucas with a vexatious attitude!! I jus wan a quiet life guv!


Then you are on the wrong forum. Try the Al Jazeera Bacon Lovers Forum - there is less argument there.


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Jonescat said:


> It's ok, the anteater is probably settled. Negotiations are ongoing but I am hopeful for black smoke soon.


He does have an ecclesial air . . .


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## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

lostbear said:


> Then you are on the wrong forum. Try the Al Jazeera Bacon Lovers Forum - there is less argument there.


Oooooooh, I'm a member on there!! I'm more the bacon side of things really, it's a bit quiet on there, not sure if that's down to me loitering, posting things about streaky, dry cure, smoked etc.


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Roger Downes said:


> Unfortunately I am no longer acting on behalf of the Verruca family as their solicitor.
> I cannot go into details for the split due to client confidentiality rules, but it did involve a box load of "*Des O`Connor Greatest Hits" CD*`s the Verruca`s were trying to pass on to me.
> I contacted Rumpole of the Bailey to take on the Verruca`s case for me, but he was too inebriated by his afternoon bottle of Port to get any sense out of. So I have entrusted this case with my old friend Perry Mason who you will soon be hearing from.


I warned you - they have no shame.

I look forward to Perry taking on "The Case of the Virulent Verruca" - maybe my toe will be on the telly! (*books pedicure*)


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

ScruffyCat said:


> Have you tried marmite? *there is a 50/50% chance that your verruca will be utterly disgusted with being smothered in marmite and sod off of its own accord never to return.....
> However, that could backfire* if your opportunist foot friend has a liking for the savoury spread. As it will never leave and as word gets round you will be housing hundreds of the little blighters waiting with baited breath for the next savoury instalment  (hmm I am seeing a theme occurring..)


I was afraid to take the risk - and worse - what if I got those simpering idiots from The Marmite Protection Society round or something? I couldn't be held responsible for my actions . . .


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> Oooooooh, I'm a member on there!! I'm more the bacon side of things really, it's a bit quiet on there, not sure if that's down to me loitering, posting things about streaky, dry cure, smoked etc.


I thought I recognised your style! Are you the Porky Bandit? You are, aren't you?! I knew it!

That picture of sliced spam you posted was sheer provocation . . .


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## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

lostbear said:


> I thought I recognised your style! Are you the Porky Bandit? You are, aren't you?! I knew it!
> 
> That picture of sliced spam you posted was sheer provocation . . .


Nope, my username on there is 'The Streaker', it's actually my username on a number of forums


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> Nope, *my username on there is 'The Streaker'*, it's actually my username on a number of forums


Aaaah! Was it you lying in a bath of lard wearing only a streaky bacon mask, and three strategically placed fried eggs?

I'm the Trotteroftruth. My avatar is a pig's foot with a question mark drawn on it. Took me ages, that. The pig wouldn't part with it, so I had to tie it to a fence to keep it still*

*No animals were hurt during the making of my avatar. I, however, was severely tusked . . .


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## Mulish (Feb 20, 2013)

lostbear said:


> Here - that was my jacket! I'll have you know my spitting cobra goes crackers if I come home with anyone's spit except his all over me clothes! What are you trying to do - break up the best anthro-herpetological relationship since Eve and the Serpent? (Mmm - possibly not the best comparison . . . )


Okay, I didn't want to be the one to break this to you but the lying is weighing on my soul. It's not a real snake, LB, it's a bit of hosepipe we painted up to look like one. I'm sorry but we just didn't think it was safe to let you loose on the public with a poisonous critter familiar. The good news is, if you don't want it to spit at you, you can just disconnect it from the tap :thumbup:



Sleeping_Lion said:


> Dammit, I thought Monty Python was a documentary??!!


It is. I passed my RE GCSE with flying colours and the only revision I did was watching Life of Brian a couple of times.

_*Skips off whistling Always Look on the Bright Side of Life*_


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## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

lostbear said:


> Aaaah! Was it you lying in a bath of lard wearing only a streaky bacon mask, and three strategically placed fried eggs?
> 
> I'm the Trotteroftruth. My avatar is a pig's foot with a question mark drawn on it. Took me ages, that. The pig wouldn't part with it, so I had to tie it to a fence to keep it still*
> 
> *No animals were hurt during the making of my avatar. I, however, was severely tusked . . .


They weren't fried eggs, I've got a rare skin condition 



Mulish said:


> It is. I passed my RE GCSE with flying colours and the only revision I did was watching Life of Brian a couple of times.
> 
> _*Skips off whistling Always Look on the Bright Side of Life*_


Dammit, are you sure, it's just I'd almost built myself up to getting a pet bunny, but, well, you know the one with Tim the enchanter and the *looks over shoulder and checks behind sofa* beast of aaaarrrrggghhhhhhh

I'm ever so wary of small fluffy white things after seeing that particular encounter


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## Mulish (Feb 20, 2013)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> They weren't fried eggs, I've got a rare skin condition
> 
> Dammit, are you sure, it's just I'd almost built myself up to getting a pet bunny, but, well, you know the one with Tim the enchanter and the *looks over shoulder and checks behind sofa* beast of aaaarrrrggghhhhhhh
> 
> I'm ever so wary of small fluffy white things after seeing that particular encounter


Safer to just have a couple of coconut shells and clop them together to pretend you have a horse, perhaps. Can you do a gallopy trot thing with backwards feet?

PS - Sorry to hear about your skin condition. You're very brave admitting to it like that.


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## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

Mulish said:


> Safer to just have a couple of coconut shells and clop them together to pretend you have a horse, perhaps. Can you do a gallopy trot thing with backwards feet?
> 
> PS - Sorry to hear about your skin condition. You're very brave admitting to it like that.


Nagdammit!! Coconuts are out of season in Yorkshire!!!


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Mulish said:


> Okay, I didn't want to be the one to break this to you but the lying is weighing on my soul.* It's not a real snake, LB, it's a bit of hosepipe we painted up to look like one.* I'm sorry but we just didn't think it was safe to let you loose on the public with a poisonous critter familiar. The good news is, if you don't want it to spit at you, you can just disconnect it from the tap :thumbup:
> 
> But . . . . . . .but . . . . . . I love him . . . .
> 
> ...


(*Joins in whistling, but adds a Morcambe and Wise type "skipping off with alternating hands to head and back" sort of dance*)


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## Burrowzig (Feb 18, 2009)

Homeopatic Thuja. There's a cream/ointment, and tablets available. Use both in conjunction.


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## Mulish (Feb 20, 2013)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> Nagdammit!! Coconuts are out of season in Yorkshire!!!


I suppose you could try using two bits of coal instead. Otherwise you'll just have to cluck your tongue as you gallop about and risk looking silly.



lostbear said:


> (*Joins in whistling, but adds a Morcambe and Wise type "skipping off with alternating hands to head and back" sort of dance*)


My 7 year old son is forever singing Bring Me Sunshine and we all end up doing the Morecambe and Wise skipping dance around the living room. The kids learnt the song at school and have no idea where the dance comes from but they roll with it.

I didn't send you any mongoose. Are you sure it's not a rat with a bad perm?


----------



## cinnamontoast (Oct 24, 2010)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> beast of aaaarrrrggghhhhhhh
> 
> I'm ever so wary of small fluffy white things after seeing that particular encounter


With great big pointy teeth?



Mulish said:


> I suppose you could try using two bits of coal instead. Otherwise you'll just have to cluck your tongue as you gallop about and risk looking silly.


Now stop that, it's silly.

I have discovered *looks round furtively* the correct flavour of jam!! Drumroll, please!

Elderberries!!


----------



## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

cinnamontoast said:


> With great big pointy teeth?
> 
> Elderberries!!


Gaaahahhhhhhhhhhhahahahhahaaaaaaaaa

*checks room for white fluffy creatures* ......

Phew!!

Ooooh to the elderberry jam, very good for adding flavour to stews as well, although obviously better not adding after using on verucas.


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Mulish said:


> I suppose you could try using two bits of coal instead. *Otherwise you'll just have to cluck your tongue as you gallop about and risk looking silly.*
> 
> God forbid that anyone on this forum ever looks silly . . . .
> 
> ...


Nope - definitately a mongoose. Or possibly a meerkat. Or a raccoon. Or maybe a polecat.

Here he is, playing in the garden - hasn't he got a lovely smile? He's always happy when he's just bitten someone.


----------



## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

lostbear said:


> Nope - definitately a mongoose. Or possibly a meerkat. Or a raccoon. Or maybe a polecat.
> 
> Here he is, playing in the garden - hasn't he got a lovely smile? He's always happy when he's just bitten someone.
> 
> View attachment 132678


That my dear, is a honey badger, the most feared creature on this earth!!!


----------



## cheekyscrip (Feb 8, 2010)

what about applying leeches?

or cookie shark?



bordie wants to use his gun?

he can bazooka that verruca!!





else wait for spring equinox...


or Easter...and have a bath in the running river while the bells ring for Resurrection at 6 am on Easter Sunday...(must be dressed in white long shirt or robe...)..
Total Purification guarantied!!!




(and absolute hit on youtube)




we RC folks have our ancient ways...and suitable incantations in Latin...





you may also use the shell from white egg blessed on Easter Sat ...must be from white hen...


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> That my dear, is a honey badger,* the most feared creature on this earth!!!*


Not as long as my Auntie Wendy is alive, it's not!

But if Mulish didn't shove him through the cat flap, wrapped in heavy chains and securely padlocked, and roll a rock against it to stop him torpedoing back out, who did?


----------



## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

lostbear said:


> Not as long as my Auntie Wendy is alive, it's not!
> 
> But if Mulish didn't shove him through the cat flap, wrapped in heavy chains and securely padlocked, and roll a rock against it to stop him torpedoing back out, who did?


Trust me, honey badgers are anybody's aunty wendy on a bad day, when they've forgotten their inconto knicks, and been caught by a surprise sneeze!


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

cheekyscrip said:


> what about applying *leeches?* Eeeeeuuuww!
> 
> or cookie shark?
> I've seen pictures of them - they are small but savage, I believe - and another creature with a charming smile
> ...


I do have some white eggs, but I think they are from slugs . . .


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> Trust me, honey badgers are anybody's aunty wendy on a bad day, when they've forgotten their inconto knicks, and been caught by a surprise sneeze!


Ah! You've met her!


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## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

lostbear said:


> Ah! You've met her!


Well she is my aunty, wait a minute, it couldn't be, could it????


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> Well she is my aunty, wait a minute, it couldn't be, could it????


We couldn't BOTH have an evil incontinent Auntie Wendy, could we?

_Could we?_


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## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

lostbear said:


> We couldn't BOTH have an evil incontinent Auntie Wendy, could we?
> 
> _Could we?_


Has your Aunty Wendy got a beard? Wears a flat cap and has a Barnsley twang?


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> Has your Aunty Wendy got a beard? Wears a flat cap and has a Barnsley twang?


No - she has a beard, a flat cap and a Geordie lilt. And a brace of ferrets in her handbag.


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## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

Ahhhh, that's not where my Aunty Wendy keeps her ferrets, she's made of stern stuff!!


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> Ahhhh, that's not where my Aunty Wendy keeps her ferrets, she's made of stern stuff!!


I'm surprised there's room in there for her Tena Lady.


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## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

lostbear said:


> I'm surprised there's room in there for her Tena Lady.


Ah, best not maybe draw attention to it, but, ehem, she sort of uses the ferrets, and wrings them out afterwards. Those inconto pads are pretty expensive!!!


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## Jonescat (Feb 5, 2012)

White smoke! White smoke!

We have a settlement as follows:

Mr Snuffles will not eat the woodlouse collection
There will be an exclusion zone running from behind the sofa to the window and out in to the run. Mr Snuffles will not trespass in to this zone. In return the bath is exclusively his. 
Bugsy will continue to add to his collection but may swap doubles for rides on Mr Snuffles.
 finders keepers with all other insects 
Nobody is allowed to chase Mr Snuffles nose, no matter how much it twitches.
Mr Snuffles will not share his Cornettos, or if he does, will have to clear up the mess.
and
We will try to find some boots for him to stop him clicking on the floorboards - not really part of the settlement but the noise is incessant and I need some sleep

Many thanks to the nice people at Relate for their help with mediation services :thumbsup:


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## moggiemum (Mar 28, 2013)

i have no idea what is going on as i have pitta patters on my floorboards:001_wub:

sorry about your sweet little tootsie (im really hoping that is a word for toe up there) lostbear  but have you tried roast beef? but this little piggy when wee wee wee all the way home , hmmmm have you tried weeing on it :lol: hey it works for some things:thumbsup: anyhoos couldnt read all the very epic thread as i got to jam suggestions and now i want tea toast and jam  hmmm or eggs soft boiled yummy , well i hope that has taken your mind off the offending offender , give it the boot you lovely soul xx

i cant be held responsible if not making any sense as im in love


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## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

moggiemum said:


> i have no idea what is going on as i have pitta patters on my floorboards:001_wub:
> 
> sorry about your sweet little tootsie (im really hoping that is a word for toe up there) lostbear  but have you tried roast beef? but this little piggy when wee wee wee all the way home , hmmmm have you tried weeing on it :lol: hey it works for some things:thumbsup: anyhoos couldnt read all the very epic thread as i got to jam suggestions and now i want tea toast and jam  hmmm or *eggs soft boiled* yummy , well i hope that has taken your mind off the offending offender , give it the boot you lovely soul xx
> 
> i cant be held responsible if not making any sense as im in love


*sob* you obviously *sob* never *sob* got as far *sob* AS MY SKIN CONDITION!!!!

*SOBBBBB!!!!*

*puts back of hand on forehead in dramatic fashion* every reminder is painful

Right, must go write some bridge reports


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## Flamingoes (Dec 8, 2012)

This thread made me heave yesterday when I was reading it; the title made me heave again this morning.

I click 'last page' to now find mention of eggs.

I have missed the bits from about post 50 to this.

I now will never look at an egg again, without a bit of bile rising in my throat.


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## cinnamontoast (Oct 24, 2010)

Flamingoes said:


> This thread made me heave yesterday when I was reading it; the title made me heave again this morning.
> 
> I click 'last page' to now find mention of eggs.
> 
> ...


I blame that Sleeping Lion bird, it's (mostly) all her fault! :yesnod:


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## Flamingoes (Dec 8, 2012)

cinnamontoast said:


> I blame that Sleeping Lion bird, it's (mostly) all her fault! :yesnod:


It normally is, to be honest :yesnod:

Her or Julie :yesnod:

And hey you :001_wub:


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## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

Oi, I am still here you know, and reading


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> Ah, best not maybe draw attention to it, but, ehem, she sort of uses the ferrets, and wrings them out afterwards. Those inconto pads are pretty expensive!!!


Oooh! Now that's a good idea! Trust a Yorkshire lass to find a way of economising on necessity.

I did mention this tip to my Auntie Wendy - and it seems she she knows yours from the annual Huddersfield, Wigan and Benwell Ferret Breeders and Flat Cap Enthusiasts Association Tea Dance and Show (for the benefit of Southern Softies, this is an international organisation aimed at promoting love, peace and harmony between Yorkshire, Lancashire and Newcastle. Yorkshire, Lancashire and Newcastle counts as 'international' up here. As it happens, they can't even agree on a black pudding recipe - but I digress.)

She said something along the lines of "So that's how Wendy Pittlepants gets those lemon-yellow ferrets she's so soddin' proud of - no the wonder she won't sell any breeding' stock! Well, we'll see about that!"

She slammed on her going-out cap and her pit-clogs with the extra brass tappets and stormed out. There were sparks flying off her clogs all the way up the street! She was in such a temper she even forgot to finish shampooing her whippet - I had to dry him off and give him a cow's heel. I think she was going to challenge your Aunty Wendy publicly, so if you hear of a clog-fight at Betty's tea rooms you know what it's about.


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Jonescat said:


> White smoke! White smoke!
> 
> We have a settlement as follows:
> 
> ...


You are a very civilised household - the world could learn from you.

I am greatly relieved that the woodlouse is a protected species in your home.


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## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

lostbear said:


> Oooh! Now that's a good idea! Trust a Yorkshire lass to find a way of economising on necessity.
> 
> I did mention this tip to my Auntie Wendy - and it seems she she knows yours from the annual Huddersfield, Wigan and Benwell Ferret Breeders and Flat Cap Enthusiasts Association Tea Dance and Show (for the benefit of Southern Softies, this is an international organisation aimed at promoting love, peace and harmony between Yorkshire, Lancashire and Newcastle. Yorkshire, Lancashire and Newcastle counts as 'international' up here. As it happens, they can't even agree on a black pudding recipe - but I digress.)
> 
> ...


Bettys!!!! Far too expensive for my Aunty Wendy, she's more likely to be rummaging for cream cakes in the bins at the back of Mozzas (for non-Yorkshire folk that's Morrisons).

No-one knew how she was getting those brown brindle ferrets either, until someone spotted her advert in the Countryman's Weekly:

"Ferronic irrigation - clear out those unwanted residents from your lower colon, up to 100% effective, POA"


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## cheekyscrip (Feb 8, 2010)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> Bettys!!!! Far too expensive for my Aunty Wendy, she's more likely to be rummaging for cream cakes in the bins at the back of Mozzas (for non-Yorkshire folk that's Morrisons).
> 
> No-one knew how she was getting those brown brindle ferrets either, until someone spotted her advert in the Countryman's Weekly:
> 
> "Ferronic irrigation - clear out those unwanted residents from your lower colon, up to 100% effective, POA"


and now you and Aunty Wendy will be both reported to RSPCA and suitable ferret authorities..to examine the hazards that ferrets may meet in the handbag - is the zip suitable/

not mention the other uses!!1

that must be thoroughly intercepted and done under appropriate supervision...

(clips can then be posted on pf as very educative in care of ferrets...)

meanwhile the verucca may reach maturity..therefore you can tell her sternly that there is now time to ask for council apartment, benefit and go to breed there!


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## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

cheekyscrip said:


> and now you and Aunty Wendy will be both reported to RSPCA and suitable ferret authorities..to examine the hazards that ferrets may meet in the handbag - is the zip suitable/
> 
> not mention the other uses!!1
> 
> ...


It was actually quite popular, until she lost one. It's still never reappeared!


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## Mulish (Feb 20, 2013)

lostbear said:


> Not as long as my Auntie Wendy is alive, it's not!
> 
> But if Mulish didn't shove him through the cat flap, wrapped in heavy chains and securely padlocked, and roll a rock against it to stop him torpedoing back out, who did?


You do exaggerate, LB. He was gift wrapped in pretty ribbons, not chains and the padlock was one of the love lock thingies like from CT's post the other day. The rock was to stop burglars from nicking him. Do you have any idea how much honey badgers are worth to milk pale, skinny thugs trying to look well'ard? YOU'RE WELCOME!

So ungrateful. I should've just gone with my original plan and left the flaming dog poo in a paper bag on your doorstep. Can't beat the classics.


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> Bettys!!!! Far too expensive for my Aunty Wendy, she's more likely to be rummaging for cream cakes in the bins at the back of Mozzas (for non-Yorkshire folk that's Morrisons).
> 
> No-one knew how she was getting those brown brindle ferrets either, until someone spotted her advert in the Countryman's Weekly:
> 
> "Ferronic irrigation - clear out those unwanted residents from your lower colon, *up to 100% effective,* POA"


I like it! That's genius, that it, seeing how the term "up to 100%" clearly includes the figure 0%, so no matter how ineffective it is, you can't sue her!

Mind, I think that there are people in London who actually do pay for a furry flush out - and ferrets are bigger 'n hamsters and gerbils, so it will increase the thrill.

I think your aunty's onto a moneymaker here.


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> It was actually quite popular, until she lost one. It's still never reappeared!


Perhaps it met another "in there" and started a family. Could it be either of these trying to get out of this bloke's nose?









Would she recognise it this colour?


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Mulish said:


> You do exaggerate, LB. *He was gift wrapped in pretty ribbons, not chains and the padlock was one of the love lock thingies like from CT's post the other day.* The rock was to stop burglars from nicking him. Do you have any idea how much honey badgers are worth to milk pale, skinny thugs trying to look well'ard? YOU'RE WELCOME!
> 
> So ungrateful. I should've just gone with my original plan and left the flaming dog poo in a paper bag on your doorstep. Can't beat the classics.


Lies, all lies! He looked like Marley's Ghost, there was so much ironmongery weighing him down - and that's not counting the bits he chewed through. I weighed it in and got enough to send Auntie Wendy and her seven favourite ferrets to Maastricht to an Andre Rieu concert - no expense spared! Fortunately the astute forumites will know which of us to believe.

The milk pale skinny thugs must be indigenous to your neck of the woods - they are tattooed technicolour beer-bellied louts round here - but now you mention it, not a day goes by without one of them knocking on the door asking if they can take him for a walk. I think it's become a point of pride with them to be bitten in the nadgers by him and survive. I've started a nice little lucrative sideline in mithrail codpieces. There's a big demand for them, for some reason.


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## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

lostbear said:


> Perhaps it met another "in there" and started a family. Could it be either of these trying to get out of this bloke's nose?
> 
> View attachment 132734
> 
> ...


Oh!

My!

GOODNESS!!!

That's Aunty Wendy's missing ferret!!! Farruca!!! He's actually one sixteenth possum, so plays dead when distressed, and that man was the last ferronic irrigation customer, I'd recognise those eyebrows anywhere!!!


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## cinnamontoast (Oct 24, 2010)

*Door flies open, CT enters at a run* Da da! There was a ferret behind me! No, seriously, I think it's lost. I shoved it out the dog flap before Zak saw it, he'd only eat it.  

I know that LB's verruca issue is HUGE, but I have a splinter (something in today's bale of hay) and two splits on different fingers in the cuticle. I caught one on a pig's ear when I carelessly reached into the bag for the nightly treat (for the dogs, I hasten to add!) I only screamed very slightly, oh I'm so brave  Fortunately, I have sheep plasters which will be employed hugely until the splits heal. 

We compared injuries at the yard today: one kick to the face, broken jaw and cheekbone, slight scar and partial paralysis. One lump of ice kicked out of a hoof, broken nose and deviated septum requiring operation. One kick with both back feet, ruptured spleen. One grumpy cow, knocked down and trampled, half of calf ripped off. Partial feeling only, major scoop out of calf.


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> Oh!
> 
> My!
> 
> ...


*
*

They are somewhat shocked-looking eyebrows for some reason, aren't they? Quite distinctive.

Is there any chance of a reward?

It's not that I'm greedy, but you can use a reward to buy stuff, and I like stuff. It's my favourite.


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

cinnamontoast said:


> *Door flies open, CT enters at a run* Da da! There was a ferret behind me! No, seriously, I think it's lost. I shoved it out the dog flap before Zak saw it, he'd only eat it.
> 
> I know that LB's verruca issue is HUGE, *but I have a splinter *
> 
> ...


Okay - you all win. But I bet I've felt more sorry for myself with my verruca than all of you dd put together. So there! (*sticks out tongue*)


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## cinnamontoast (Oct 24, 2010)

*Crows triumphantly* Sheep plasters with pictures of sheep, no less!!  Amazing and heal injuries quicker than plain plasters, honest! 

I think verrucas are VERY serious. I'm actually surprised that you haven't called out Médecins Sans Frontières yet (or the council, possibly Environmental Health)  Surely they could offer some form of solution? They're pretty good, you know.


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## muffin789 (Jan 28, 2013)

My ferret hasn't seen the light of day for ages 

<takes self off to wallow in self pity>


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## cinnamontoast (Oct 24, 2010)

That's a whole different thread, honey!


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## muffin789 (Jan 28, 2013)

cinnamontoast said:


> That's a whole different thread, honey!


Tis true :crazy:


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## Sophiebee (Jul 9, 2013)

Well, this threads taken a turn off topic since i last looked!!  lostbear, how is the verruca? I hope your treating it well? As has been discussed verrucas do have rights. Ingrown toenails on the other hand, are most unwelcome (especially ones that have nasty stuff coming out of them after THREE courses of antibiotics ) the doctors say they wont touch it while its infected (not that i blame them) but the infection wont go while the little splinter of nail is piercing my foot :mad2: :mad2: so if anyone has any suggestions that dont involve a bottle of vodka, nerves of steel and a pair of pliers (and believe me ive consodered it ) id be grateful.


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## muffin789 (Jan 28, 2013)

Sophiebee said:


> Well, this threads taken a turn off topic since i last looked!!  lostbear, how is the verruca? I hope your treating it well? As has been discussed verrucas do have rights. Ingrown toenails on the other hand, are most unwelcome (especially ones that have nasty stuff coming out of them after THREE courses of antibiotics ) the doctors say they wont touch it while its infected (not that i blame them) but the infection wont go while the little splinter of nail is piercing my foot :mad2: :mad2: so if anyone has any *suggestions that dont involve a bottle of vodka, nerves of steel and a pair of pliers* (and believe me ive consodered it ) id be grateful.


Sorry - that's me done! I'm at a loss now! :cryin:

ETA - in all seriousness, I had ingrowing nails on both my big toes and had to literally keep forcing them out of the skin. I didn't cut them for ages (to the point where the nails were almost cutting through my shoes) before I trimmed them again. Luckily I never needed anti-bs or anything.

But thinking laterally (and seriously), would a daily wash with hibiscrub nelp????? It's cleared up two horrendously infected paws on my rescue girl Libby, and I know it's used in hospitals to kill pretty nasty bugs!


----------



## Sophiebee (Jul 9, 2013)

muffin789 said:


> Sorry - that's me done! I'm at a loss now! :cryin:
> 
> ETA - in all seriousness, I had ingrowing nails on both my big toes and had to literally keep forcing them out of the skin. I didn't cut them for ages (to the point where the nails were almost cutting through my shoes) before I trimmed them again. Luckily I never needed anti-bs or anything.
> 
> But thinking laterally (and seriously), would a daily wash with hibiscrub nelp????? It's cleared up two horrendously infected paws on my rescue girl Libby, and I know it's used in hospitals to kill pretty nasty bugs!


Ooh whats hibiscrub?  im willing to try anything! I have been washing it with salt water daily, and using an a cream (fusidic acid) the drs gave me, (before i had the cream i was dousing it in iodine everyday!) its just evil!!


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## Flamingoes (Dec 8, 2012)

Can we PLEASE stop bumping this.

I can't do with feet, they make me feel ick

I love LB, I truly do; she, Mushy, Mishy and Scrip beat off my maggot invasion.

But I can't keep going to bed and waking up with someone else's verruca :frown2:


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Flamingoes said:


> Can we PLEASE stop bumping this.
> 
> I can't do with feet, they make me feel ick
> 
> ...


Surely you have been waking up with someone else's ferronic irrigation at least a couple of times? Makes a change from the verruca. And there's CT splinter injury (She's prone to them, poor soul, but I envy her her plasters. I might get a splinter next time.)

It won't be too long. I have actually made a doctor's appointment to discuss having it excised and sent to a farm to live with all of the other verrucas who have outstayed their welcome. I say discuss, because since this thread, and that Roger Downes ("Lawyer to the Downtrodden) has raised the profile of Verruca Rights, I have had a band of geriatric unwashed activists camped outside my front and back doors, chanting "He shall not be moved" and "Ho Ho Ho Chi Min, there Verruca's fight is one we'll win". I can't remember the last time I saw a T-shirt telling me to "Turn on, tune in, drop out". Doesn't look as though it's seen a washing machine since 1963 either.

They're not an unpleasant bunch - they knocked on the door to ask if they could use the toilet, and we ended up having a cup of tea, and then some herbal tea they'd brought with them - strange stuff - even got the verruca chatting away. I suspect that they've been looking for a cause since Vietnam, and just chanced upon this one.

I'm sure it will all get sorted before you lose it. Feel free to stay in bed until the all clear sounds.

(Nice new avatar, BTW)


----------



## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

muffin789 said:


> My ferret hasn't seen the light of day for ages


I'm right with you on that one!


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

cinnamontoast said:


> *Crows triumphantly* *Sheep plasters with pictures of sheep, no less*!!  Amazing and heal injuries quicker than plain plasters, honest!
> 
> I want sheep plasters (*sulks*)
> I think verrucas are VERY serious. *
> ...


Sadly the swingeing cutbacks our councils have suffered mean that there is now a seven-year waiting list even for emergency cases. However I have arranged for an arborealist to come out in March 2021, to have a look at it. If he thinks it needs doing he will put a job sheet in and then it is only a matter of two or three years until they get round to sending someone round to deal with it.

DAMN YOU, CAMERON - THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

muffin789 said:


> My ferret hasn't seen the light of day for ages
> 
> <takes self off to wallow in self pity>


Bragging ? Complaining? What?


----------



## Sophiebee (Jul 9, 2013)

Flamingoes said:


> I can't keep going to bed and waking up with someone else's verruca :frown2:


If you do find yourself back in bed with someone elses verruca, i do hope you are using protection, you really dont know where that verrucas been :nono:

(sorry, couldnt resist!)


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sophiebee said:


> If you do find yourself back in bed with someone elses verruca, i do hope you are using protection, you really dont know where that verrucas been :nono:
> 
> (sorry, couldnt resist!)


(*snigger*)

nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no more

heheheheh

:wink:


----------



## Flamingoes (Dec 8, 2012)

I thought you people were my friends :crying:

Look, I'll just come right out and say it, but, so help me God, I'm a verrucarist.

Is that what you all wanted to hear?

IS IT?!

@rses, the lot of you *stomps off*

(Aye, that's right, I can stomp : can you? No, cause you've got a verruca)

*runs away giggling*


ETA thanks angel, but I sort of miss my pink giraffe


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Flamingoes said:


> I thought you people were my friends :crying:
> 
> Look, I'll just come right out and say it, but, so help me God, I'm a verrucarist.
> 
> ...


That's right! Rub it in!

If you'd ever seen an X-ray of a verruca you wouldn't joke about it.

Just sayin'.


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## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

I can vouch any movement is painful after a ferronic irrigation, particularly if it gets lost!!


----------



## Flamingoes (Dec 8, 2012)

lostbear said:


> That's right! Rub it in!
> 
> If you'd ever seen an X-ray of a verruca you wouldn't joke about it.
> 
> Just sayin'.


Can you x-ray them :001_unsure:

ETA why the hell did I google that. I'm trying to BEAT my eating disorders; now I'll never eat again *heaves violently*

Ye gods


----------



## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

Flamingoes said:


> Can you x-ray them :001_unsure:
> 
> ETA why the hell did I google that. I'm trying to BEAT my eating disorders; now I'll never eat again *heaves violently*
> 
> Ye gods


I did actually put a warning earlier in the thread about googling verucas, whatever you do, don't google ferronic irrigation


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## Flamingoes (Dec 8, 2012)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> I did actually put a warning earlier in the thread about googling verucas, whatever you do, don't google ferronic irrigation


You know I don't do authority :crying:

I've got to now :crying:

ETA it just told me about a company in Arizona that sell tubes :lol:


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## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

Flamingoes said:


> You know I don't do authority :crying:
> 
> I've got to now :crying:


Whatever you do, DON'T google fluffy white bunnies, those things are blimmin' terrifying!!! They may look all cute and fluffy, but they've got sharp, pointy teeth!!!


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## Flamingoes (Dec 8, 2012)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> Whatever you do, DON'T google fluffy white bunnies, those things are blimmin' terrifying!!! They may look all cute and fluffy, but they've got sharp, pointy teeth!!!


Rabbits should be on the dangerous dog list :yesnod:


----------



## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

Flamingoes said:


> Rabbits should be on the dangerous dog list :yesnod:


Especially fluffy white ones!


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> Especially fluffy white ones!


Now, now - deed not breed. :hand:


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## cinnamontoast (Oct 24, 2010)

Terrifying 










Even worse!!


----------



## CanIgoHome (Oct 25, 2008)

I had a verruca at school many years ago and the teacher said it was not but it was painful and saw the doctor he said is was try the things he give me but did not work 
so in the end I sat and picked the black middle out with a needle and its been gone and not come back yet that was 19 years ago now :blink:


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

cinnamontoast said:


> Terrifying
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Aaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrgggggghhhhhh!!!!!!!!

Do you need to borrow my honeymongmeerbadger to get rid of it? (BTW - I wasn't screaming above - that is my honeymongmeerbadger's name. He doesn't answer to it, obviously, but if we need to find him we just listen for that sort of scream and follow it to its source . . . )

EDIT: Has that rabbit got . . . furry BOOBIES?????


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

CanIgoHome said:


> I had a verruca at school many years ago and the teacher said it was not but it was painful and saw the doctor he said is was try the things he give me but did not work
> so in the end I sat and picked the black middle out with a needle and its been gone and not come back yet that was 19 years ago now :blink:


Alas, I am too big-boned to bend over and pick something out of the bottom of my toe.  I did ask other members of the household, but apparently they all have really urgent things to do for the foreseeable future.

Strangely.


----------



## Flamingoes (Dec 8, 2012)

Why do I keep clicking on this.

I know it'll only make me feel ill.

Curse you, self destruct button *shakes fist at nothing in general*


----------



## cinnamontoast (Oct 24, 2010)

lostbear said:


> Aaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrgggggghhhhhh!!!!!!!!
> 
> Do you need to borrow my honeymongmeerbadger to get rid of it? (BTW - I wasn't screaming above - that is my honeymongmeerbadger's name. He doesn't answer to it, obviously, but if we need to find him we just listen for that sort of scream and follow it to its source . . . )
> 
> EDIT: Has that rabbit got . . . furry BOOBIES?????


Yes, yes it has. Wanna fight about it??

And can I please borrow your honeymongmeerbadger as I find that I am not in the mood to teach Year 11, I think I would rather just feed them to your Aaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrgggggghhhhhh. Good name, by the way, very evocative.


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## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

Will people stop quoting that image so it reappears, it scares the bejeezus out of me every time I scroll down, Aunty Wendy's ferrets keep retreating to a dark space they're so petrified!!


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## MoggyBaby (Mar 8, 2011)

I have only just realised how uncomfortable it is to read about Ferronic Irregation when one is constipated. I had hoped doing so would scare the sh!t out of me but no joy.... 

Anyway, back to the OP's Verucca. I think the solution is very simple!! Present it with a number of white feathers over the coming days (wearing a selection of gloves may fool it into thinking you are many people not just one) and make loud comments (in different accents) about cowards & wimps who hide out in the soles of feet to avoid facing up to the harsh realities of life.

After doing this for a few days, print details of the Verruca Foreign Legion off t'internet and leave lying around in strategic locations for your verruca to find. *IF* all goes according to plan, it will soon be marching off your foot shouting "_Verruca Pericula ludus_ (Verucca Danger is my pleasure)" at the top of its crusty chords.

Good luck (especially with those accents!!). :yesnod:

.


----------



## Flamingoes (Dec 8, 2012)

And again she clicks :mad2:

The hell is wrong with me.

I've had 2 counseling appointments today and still I don't have the mental stability to not click on this damn thing :nonod:


----------



## Apollo2012 (Jun 10, 2013)

Well when I was a kid I had a cluster verruca and after over a year of freezing and trying to get the root (which I now there's no such thing apparently) of it out with tweezers and things my mum and step dad pinned me down and dug it out of my foot with tweezers and scissors, by that time it had been frozen so many times and dug at so many times I no longer had any sensation from it so it didn't hurt (I had it for about 2 years). god it sounds like some kind of child abuse :lol: but it honestly wasn't that bad and it worked.

I had another one in a different place when I was older but it went away by itself, my brother had one too and had it frozen and it went away


----------



## cheekyscrip (Feb 8, 2010)

MoggyBaby said:


> I have only just realised how uncomfortable it is to read about Ferronic Irregation when one is constipated. I had hoped doing so would scare the sh!t out of me but no joy....
> 
> Anyway, back to the OP's Verucca. I think the solution is very simple!! Present it with a number of white feathers over the coming days (wearing a selection of gloves may fool it into thinking you are many people not just one) and make loud comments (in different accents) about cowards & wimps who hide out in the soles of feet to avoid facing up to the harsh realities of life.
> 
> ...


so now the poor poo is too scared to emerge...ever!!! try to stick some lollipops ..sugar may tempt it ...

as to verucca...start loud talks about the short working hours and ample benefits in Norway?
Find an owner of big, strong sexy verruca (maybe first make sure as to gender and preferences..) and hope they will elope together...


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

sleeping_lion said:


> will people stop quoting that image so it reappears, it scares the bejeezus out of me every time i scroll down, aunty wendy's ferrets keep retreating to a dark space they're so petrified!!


please don't tell us where that dark space is!!!!!!

we don't want to know


----------



## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

lostbear said:


> please don't tell us where that dark space is!!!!!!
> 
> we don't want to know


Down the back of the sofa 

They're also trained to retrieve all those things that get lost inside furniture, pretty similar role really to their other job. Apart from the usual coins, pens, remote controls etc that they've retrieved so far, amongst some of the more unusual items have been a moray eel (wondered what kept nipping my posterior), a wooden leg, a pink tutu (not mine, I don't do pink), some gold plated bath taps, and some vintage port - that last one was mine definitely!


----------



## muffin789 (Jan 28, 2013)

Apollo2012 said:


> Well when I was a kid I had a cluster verruca and after over a year of freezing and trying to get the root (which I now there's no such thing apparently) of it out with tweezers and things my mum and step dad pinned me down and dug it out of my foot with tweezers and scissors, by that time it had been frozen so many times and dug at so many times I no longer had any sensation from it so it didn't hurt (I had it for about 2 years). god it sounds like some kind of child abuse :lol: but it honestly wasn't that bad and it worked.
> 
> *I had another one in a different place when I was older but it went away by itself*, my brother had one too and had it frozen and it went away


 OMG


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

muffin789 said:


> OMG


A deeply poignant comment - sometimes the fewest words say the most.


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> Down the back of the sofa
> 
> They're also trained to retrieve all those things that get lost inside furniture, pretty similar role really to their other job. Apart from the usual coins, pens, remote controls etc that they've retrieved so far, amongst some of the more unusual items have been* a moray eel* (wondered what kept nipping my posterior), a wooden leg, a pink tutu (not mine, I don't do pink), some gold plated bath taps, and some vintage port - that last one was mine definitely!


Actually, that might be mine - I mislaid a moray feel, a gaboon viper and a box of whip scorpions a few months ago. It was during the Mr Magik party phase . . . God alone knows where they are now . . .


----------



## cinnamontoast (Oct 24, 2010)

Where _is_ Mr Majik? Has he been frightened off by the scary members?


----------



## ForeverHome (Jan 14, 2014)

Yes, short, sweet and to the point. 

I did the constant digging thing with mine and eventually it went. 

Ugh.

Do you sprinkle salt on it? Or is that the wine you spill while reading Charlie and the chocolate factory?


----------



## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

lostbear said:


> Actually, that might be mine - I mislaid a moray feel, a gaboon viper and a box of whip scorpions a few months ago. It was during the Mr Magik party phase . . . God alone knows where they are now . . .


Well he's currently residing in my biscuit barrel, he's eaten all the ginger nuts and is on with the garibaldis!! So the sooner you can collect him the better. I've not spotted the viper or scorpions yet, how many scorpions are there? I'll be running out of tupperware at the rate of contained bizarre creatures in my larder, the coati mundi in the bread bin isn't too happy since the golden marmosets moved in, they're quite noisy, and the muesli gets in all the crevices!



cinnamontoast said:


> Where _is_ Mr Majik? Has he been frightened off by the scary members?


I blame the fluffy white bunnies!!!!


----------



## Jonescat (Feb 5, 2012)

A Moray feel? That reminds of a holiday I had once...


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Jonescat said:


> A Moray feel? That reminds of a holiday I had once...


Curse my fat, clumsy typing fingers!


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> Well he's currently residing in my biscuit barrel,* he's eaten all the ginger nuts and is on with the garibaldis*!!
> 
> Yes - that sounds like Norman. Does he have a tattoo saying "Morays do it in a crack" on his dorsal fin? I'll not be able to get round for him until Wednesday - just stick him through my letterbox if you want rid sooner.
> 
> ...


No-one expect the fluffy white bunnies


----------



## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

I'm not sure if it's your Norman, or if he's got a birth mark that's slightly interfering with his tattoo, looks more like 'Morays dog it in a crack' 

I'm keeping the whip scorpions!! Oh my life, they are such friendly little critters, and the BEST part is the natural pedicure they do, absolute bliss! I can see a whole range of treatments aside from ferronic irrigation.........

Damn, I was hoping to get rid of, I mean *rehome responsibly* the whole lot of the fuzzy critters, I know they're not as easy as a coati mundi, but they are pretty cute little critters, I've trained them so one sits with a hand over his eyes, one with hands over his ears, and the last with hands over his mouth, they're pretty good and sit like that for hours on end just so they can go back in the muesli tub. Of course I'm not sure now what the extra raisins in the muesli are, but I think I'll move onto cornflakes for now.


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> *I'm not sure if it's your Norman, or if he's got a birth mark that's slightly interfering with his tattoo, looks more like 'Morays dog it in a crack'*
> Could be him - he was always messing around with bits of glass, needles and biro ink - he though 'prison' tattoos made him look 'well 'ard'. Stupid nit. You'd better keep him though, just in case he's not Norman and someone comes looking for him.
> 
> *I'm keeping the whip scorpions!!*
> ...


I can tell you EXACTLY what the extra raisins in the muesli are.

And you still haven't talked me into marmosets. You can get rid - er - *rehome responsibly* onto someone else. When can I have the coatimundi?

BTW - I don't know what happened between the Auntie Wendys, but mine hasn't stopped grinning since she came back (Well, she's showing her teeth anyway). She has also been washing some yellow ferrets - the machine hasn't been off for days (on a silk wash - they seem to come out alright, but the 'fluff dry' cycle doesn't half make them static-y). Did you get the low-down on their confrontation? Every time I ask she just taps the side of her nose (not the side with the hairy mole - the other side) and sniggers.


----------



## ForeverHome (Jan 14, 2014)

lostbear said:


> No-one expect the fluffy white bunnies


Noooobody expects the fluffy white bunnies! Their chief weapon is surprise - surprise and fear - their TWO main weapons, are surprise, fear, and an almost ruthless dedication to the Pope .......


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## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

Hang on to him??!!! But I'm now down to custard creams and rich tea biscuits!!! He's going through your post box pronto missus!!!

That's not a mole btw, it's a well trained caterpillar 



ForeverHome said:


> Noooobody expects the fluffy white bunnies! Their chief weapon is surprise - surprise and fear - their TWO main weapons, are surprise, fear, and an almost ruthless dedication to the Pope .......


Break out the cusions and make sure all the stuffing is in one corner!!


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## Flamingoes (Dec 8, 2012)

STOP.

BUMPING.

THIS.

OBNOXIOUS.

THREAD.



It's not even 10am ffs...what the HELL is wrong with you all?!

It's me that's supposed to be mentally cripppled *long, drawn out sigh and hangs head*


----------



## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

Flamingoes said:


> STOP.
> 
> BUMPING.
> 
> ...


The marmosets made me do it!!!


----------



## ForeverHome (Jan 14, 2014)

Flamingoes said:


> STOP.
> 
> BUMPING.
> 
> ...


AAARRGGGGHHHHHHHHH Verrucas that go BUMP in the night!!!!!


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## Flamingoes (Dec 8, 2012)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> The marmosets made me do it!!!


Oh that's what everyone says :frown2:


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Flamingoes said:


> STOP.
> 
> BUMPING.
> 
> ...


Surely you are comforted to know that compared to there set of us, you have little to worry about.

I would suggest that you don't read it, but I know what it's like . . . . .

There is always THAT thread . . . . the one you loathe and dread . . . but like the hideous locks of some internet Medusa it draws your unwilling gaze . . . . you KNOW you will regret it, but still. . . . . still, you cannot help yourself . . . . against your will, your fingers go to the very button that will click on it . . . . . you cry out . . . . it is too late - THERE IT IS . . . . .

THE HORROR!!!!!!!!!

I used to find the same with a certain banned member's threads - didn't want to look - couldn't help myself . . . .

Didn't want to reply - my fingers ignored my brain's frantic instructions . . . .

Didn't want to get drawn into a tirade of abuse and condemnation . . . .

It always ends in tears before bedtime.


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> The marmosets made me do it!!!


That's right - blame a small, furry troop of innocent primates. You want to be ashamed of yourself! :nono:


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Flamingoes said:


> Oh that's what everyone says :frown2:


Absolutely! They're an easy group to blame, what with being so mischievous and agile, with prehensile tails and those tiny little fingers that can get into every nook and cranny.

I'm surprised SL hasn't got them working in her Zoological Beauty Parlour. Doing _things . . . _


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> Hang on to him??!!! But I'm now down to custard creams and rich tea biscuits!!! He's going through your post box pronto missus!!!
> 
> *That's not a mole btw, it's a well trained caterpillar*
> 
> Break out the cusions and make sure all the stuffing is in one corner!!


YOUR Aunty Wendy's nose decoration might be a well-trained caterpillar. MY Auntie Wendy's is definitely a mole - tiny eyes, huge front feet, soft velvet fur, bites like buggery!

Yep - that's a mole alright!


----------



## ForeverHome (Jan 14, 2014)

lostbear said:


> YOUR Aunty Wendy's nose decoration might be a well-trained caterpillar. MY Auntie Wendy's is definitely a mole - tiny eyes, huge front feet, soft velvet fur, bites like buggery!
> 
> Yep - that's a mole alright!


Is that what buggery does? Yew.


----------



## Jonescat (Feb 5, 2012)

But marmosets wee on their paws - I don't think the SH&E inspector would let that pass.


----------



## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

Jonescat said:


> But marmosets wee on their paws - I don't think the SH&E inspector would let that pass.


That's it, I'm definitely evicting the little critters!! Just let me find a letterbox that isn't taped up, for some reason they seem to have started doing that near me, can't think why........


----------



## Apollo2012 (Jun 10, 2013)

muffin789 said:


> OMG


:lol: I think you may have misunderstood what I wrote I meant on another part of my *foot* :lol:


----------



## Flamingoes (Dec 8, 2012)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> That's it, I'm definitely evicting the little critters!! Just let me find a letterbox that isn't taped up, for some reason they seem to have started doing that near me, can't think why........


Ugh I give in; just send then to me *sigh*


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Jonescat said:


> But *marmosets wee on their paws *- I don't think the SH&E inspector would let that pass.


Really?

I've changed my mind. Give me half a dozen. I promise only to use them for evil :devil:


----------



## Mulish (Feb 20, 2013)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> That's it, I'm definitely evicting the little critters!! Just let me find a letterbox that isn't taped up, for some reason they seem to have started doing that near me, can't think why........


You _could _send them to FlimFlam or you could check people's cat flaps, they often get overlooked when folk are critter proofing their homes. I'd recommend getting some sturdy chains and a padlock to wrap them in before shoving them through quick and then rolling a rock in front of the flap to prevent their escape.

Obviously I would never do anything like that but I've heard from a reliable source* that it works a treat to get rid of most small mammals.

_* a bloke in the pub told me it'd worked for a friend's cousin's hairdresser. He also wondered if I was interested in a Sat Nav he happened to have found in the car park. I wasn't because I have an impeccable sense of direction but if you need it when you're wandering about looking for unsecured catflaps just let me know._


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

mulish said:


> you _could _send them to flimflam or you could check people's cat flaps, they often get overlooked when folk are critter proofing their homes. *i'd recommend getting some sturdy chains and a padlock to wrap them in before shoving them through quick and then rolling a rock in front of the flap to prevent their escape.*
> 
> obviously i would never do anything like that but i've heard from a reliable source* that it works a treat to get rid of most small mammals.
> 
> _* a bloke in the pub told me it'd worked for a friend's cousin's hairdresser. He also wondered if i was interested in a sat nav he happened to have found in the car park. I wasn't because i have an impeccable sense of direction but if you need it when you're wandering about looking for unsecured catflaps just let me know._


*i knew it!!!!!

I bloody well knew it!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As God is my witness . . . . . . . *


----------



## Mulish (Feb 20, 2013)

lostbear said:


> *i knew it!!!!!
> 
> I bloody well knew it!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> As God is my witness . . . . . . . *


I think we already established that there were no witnesses as you had your camera busy perving on that poor window cleaner. And I happen to know for a *fact* that God was busy cursing the gay folk with bad weather at the time, too, and it's not like He can be everywhere at once, is it?

It's all circumstantial and wouldn't hold up in court. Ask Roger Downes - I bet even he and his dodgy morals would take your case on!


----------



## staffgirl (May 1, 2013)

lostbear said:


> YOUR Aunty Wendy's nose decoration might be a well-trained caterpillar. MY Auntie Wendy's is definitely a mole - tiny eyes, huge front feet, soft velvet fur, bites like buggery!
> 
> Yep - that's a mole alright!


Am calling my whispering dad for your Aunt Wendy as we speak. He has been promoted and is an Accredited Whisperer now as he's had outstanding success with moving the moles on in Cambridgeshire. Plus he's the only one to use force-free methods. If she likes a bit of force I'm sure he would oblige, for a slightly enhanced fee.


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Mulish said:


> I think we already established that there were no witnesses as *you had your camera busy perving on that poor window cleaner.* And I happen to know for a *fact* that God was busy cursing the gay folk with bad weather at the time, too, and it's not like He can be everywhere at once, is it?
> 
> It's all circumstantial and wouldn't hold up in court. Ask Roger Downes - I bet even he and his dodgy morals would take your case on!


And how would you known if you hadn't been pushing a honeymongmeerbadger through my unattended cat flap?!

You are condemned from your own lips! Er - fingers!


----------



## Mulish (Feb 20, 2013)

lostbear said:


> And how would you known if you hadn't been pushing a honeymongmeerbadger through my unattended cat flap?!
> 
> You are condemned from your own lips! Er - fingers!


Pfft, please, you being a window cleaner perv was an educated guess. One only has to read your posts, which are dripping with suds and squeegee innuendo, to know it's what you do.

Besides, I can assure you I wouldn't even attempt to shove a honeymongmeerbadger through a cat flap without concentrating fully on where it was swinging it's heavily chained claws. That's how people lose arms and I like my arms. How else would I gesture wildly whilst attempting to communicate with people too lazy to learn English in their own countries?


----------



## ForeverHome (Jan 14, 2014)

This video of a raccoon stealing a carpet proves something. I have no idea what, but it does, So there.

Raccon Steals a Carpet [HQ] - YouTube


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Mulish said:


> Pfft, please, you being a window cleaner perv was an educated guess. * One only has to read your posts, which are dripping with suds and squeegee innuendo, to know it's what you do.
> *
> 
> Look - it's a recognised medical condition.
> ...




Dammit! That is so plausible.


----------



## Mulish (Feb 20, 2013)

ForeverHome said:


> This video of a raccoon stealing a carpet proves something. I have no idea what, but it does, So there.
> 
> Raccon Steals a Carpet [HQ] - YouTube


I think it proves too much telly is bad for you, whatever your species. Little tea leaf has clearly been corrupted by watching Changing Rooms.


----------



## ForeverHome (Jan 14, 2014)

Mulish said:


> I think it proves too much telly is bad for you, whatever your species. Little tea leaf has clearly been corrupted by watching Changing Rooms.


My cats are allowed to watch as much telly as they want, but they have to go to their friends' houses to watch it.

I don't have one.


----------



## Mulish (Feb 20, 2013)

ForeverHome said:


> My cats are allowed to watch as much telly as they want, but they have to go to their friends' houses to watch it.
> 
> I don't have one.


That's a wise decision on your part. Our dog has to do the same when he wants to play on an X-Box as we only have a Wii.


----------



## ForeverHome (Jan 14, 2014)

Mulish said:


> That's a wise decision on your part. Our dog has to do the same when he wants to play on an X-Box as we only have a Wii.


Our old cat Wiid on the PS3 and killed it.


----------



## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

Mulish said:


> You _could _send them to FlimFlam or you could check people's cat flaps, they often get overlooked when folk are critter proofing their homes. I'd recommend getting some sturdy chains and a padlock to wrap them in before shoving them through quick and then rolling a rock in front of the flap to prevent their escape.
> 
> Obviously I would never do anything like that but I've heard from a reliable source* that it works a treat to get rid of most small mammals.
> 
> _* a bloke in the pub told me it'd worked for a friend's cousin's hairdresser. He also wondered if I was interested in a Sat Nav he happened to have found in the car park. I wasn't because I have an impeccable sense of direction but if you need it when you're wandering about looking for unsecured catflaps just let me know._


Why on earth were they shoving a friend's cousin's hairdresser through a catflap?? 



ForeverHome said:


> My cats are allowed to watch as much telly as they want, but they have to go to their friends' houses to watch it.
> 
> I don't have one.


That's very sad, I'd offer to be your friend, but it's Saturday night, and I only make friends on a Wednesday and a Friday.


----------



## cheekyscrip (Feb 8, 2010)

ok..Sl will wait till Wed...
FH :cta was trying to tell you something???


soon we here are to lose BBC and ITV ..forever..what will Scrip and Garfield watch???

No Downtown Abbey! or Take me out!!..(Scrip loves to be taken out!!)...
that is cruelty against british Animals and action must be taken...seriously!


----------



## ForeverHome (Jan 14, 2014)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> Why on earth were they shoving a friend's cousin's hairdresser through a catflap??
> 
> That's very sad, I'd offer to be your friend, but it's Saturday night, and I only make friends on a Wednesday and a Friday.


A catflap is the best place for a hairdresser if you ask me.

That's the best offer I've had all week I shall treasure it.



cheekyscrip said:


> ok..Sl will wait till Wed...
> FH :cta was trying to tell you something???


Oh yes, OH never listened so she killed his stereo amp as well. And his carpet. And a cushion.


----------



## Flamingoes (Dec 8, 2012)

Mulish said:


> I think we already established that there were no witnesses as you had your camera busy perving on that poor window cleaner. And I happen to know for a *fact* that *God was busy cursing the gay folk with bad weather at the time,* too, and it's not like He can be everywhere at once, is it?
> 
> It's all circumstantial and wouldn't hold up in court. Ask Roger Downes - I bet even he and his dodgy morals would take your case on!


I can vouch for this; it's windy and p*ssing it down and I'm only bi-sexual :frown2:


----------



## ForeverHome (Jan 14, 2014)

Flamingoes said:


> I can vouch for this; it's windy and p*ssing it down and I'm only bi-sexual :frown2:


I had a friend who was buy-sexual, it was the only way he could get it.


----------



## Flamingoes (Dec 8, 2012)

ForeverHome said:


> I had a friend who was buy-sexual, it was the only way he could get it.


L

M

F

A

O

rep incoming xx


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> *Why on earth were they shoving a friend's cousin's hairdresser through a catflap*??
> 
> I'm sure that they had a good, probably perm-related reason.
> 
> That's very sad, I'd offer to be your friend, but it's Saturday night, and *I only make friends on a Wednesday and a Friday*.


I like the cut of your gib!

Can I go on your waiting list for a Friday friendship, pleas? Wednesdays are out for me because I am committed to my cheese-making class.


----------



## Flamingoes (Dec 8, 2012)

lostbear said:


> I like the cut of your gib!
> 
> Can I go on your waiting list for a Friday friendship, pleas? Wednesdays are out for me because I am committed to my cheese-making class.


Bear cheese is an industry I've campaigned against for years.

*spits at you*


----------



## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

lostbear said:


> I like the cut of your gib!
> 
> Can I go on your waiting list for a Friday friendship, pleas? Wednesdays are out for me because I am committed to my cheese-making class.


You may indeed go on the list for next Friday, I'm having a huge celebration and making lots of new friends, it'll be like one of those Moony style weddings, but with just me as the bride/groom, which ever seems most appropriate, and I ain't living with anyone, in fact that's the very reason I'm celebrating!!


----------



## Mulish (Feb 20, 2013)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> Why on earth were they shoving a friend's cousin's hairdresser through a catflap??


Practice before moving onto the much scarier and harder to shove anywhere honey badger.



Flamingoes said:


> I can vouch for this; it's windy and p*ssing it down and I'm only bi-sexual :frown2:


It's windy as feck here, too, and I'm happily married to an actual bloke. I can only assume that the lady dog walker who I thought was trying to identify the various stains on my top, was actually staring at my boobs.

I'm too attractive for my own good :frown2:


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Flamingoes said:


> Bear cheese is an industry I've campaigned against for years.
> 
> *spits at you*


Oh - it's you is it?

We're sick of going down to the local comp for our class, only to find a load of leaflets stuck on the railings "Bear Off" "Cheese is for Chizzlers" and the classic "If you can read this, you should be at home watching "Eastenders" instead of making people's lives a living Hell with Bear cheese products".
(I've had that last one put on a tee-shirt - everyone in the class likes it. It's nice and snappy, and tells it like it is).

We'd wondered who was doing it. The only clues we had were a handful of pink giraffe fur and the footprints of a very small, lavishly spoiled dog. (We all went 'Aaaaaah').


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Mulish said:


> Practice before moving onto the much scarier and harder to shove anywhere honey badger.
> 
> It's windy as feck here, too, and I'm happily married to an actual bloke. I can only assume that the lady dog walker who I thought was trying to identify the various stains on my top, was actually staring at my boobs.
> 
> ...


----------



## Flamingoes (Dec 8, 2012)

lostbear said:


> Oh - it's you is it?
> 
> We're sick of going down to the local comp for our class, only to find a load of leaflets stuck on the railings "Bear Off" "Cheese is for Chizzlers" and the classic "If you can read this, you should be at home watching "Eastenders" instead of making people's lives a living Hell with Bear cheese products".
> (I've had that last one put on a tee-shirt - everyone in the class likes it. It's nice and snappy, and tells it like it is).
> ...


Yep, had you alllllllll fooled with my fluffiness :001_cool:

Deep down I have a burning hatred for you and 'your kind'

You make me sick.

*goes off to inspect Mushys tits*


----------



## Flamingoes (Dec 8, 2012)

Well...that killed that then :lol: :lol:


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## cheekyscrip (Feb 8, 2010)

Flamingoes said:


> I can vouch for this; it's windy and p*ssing it down and I'm only bi-sexual :frown2:


Only? Naaaa..tell me who isn't!! (not to mention certain dogs who dress as a fairy)..

but there is something really important...

I mislaid a whole plate of cat's kibble...

Scrip would not eat at least the plate?

So?

WHO DUNNIT?.....(it is pricey kibble ..straight form the fresh pack...so ya better....)


----------



## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

Flamingoes said:


> Well...that killed that then :lol: :lol:


I'm busy sorting Aunty Wendy's ferrets out, just when I think I know where they all are........


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## Jonescat (Feb 5, 2012)

Flamingoes said:


> Well...that killed that then :lol: :lol:


I've lost the plot a bit - have you killed the verruca or the hairdresser?


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## Mulish (Feb 20, 2013)

Flamingoes said:


> Yep, had you alllllllll fooled with my fluffiness :001_cool:
> 
> Deep down I have a burning hatred for you and 'your kind'
> 
> ...


Impressive aren't they? I think it's something to do with the angle of the dangle that makes them spectacularly pendulishious. I've accidentally hypnotized folk when I've gone out bra-less before. At least, I assume that's why they were clucking at me :confused5:


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## delca1 (Oct 29, 2011)

Jonescat said:


> I've lost the plot a bit - have you killed the verruca or the hairdresser?


Killed the hairdresser :yikes: Must have happened when she got shoved through the catflap :001_huh:


----------



## ForeverHome (Jan 14, 2014)

Why does everyone have to be so FUNNY on the one night a month I am going out?!?!?


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## Mulish (Feb 20, 2013)

ForeverHome said:


> Why does everyone have to be so FUNNY on the one night a month I am going out?!?!?


It's probably an alien conspiracy. You should wear your tinfoil hat, just in case.


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Flamingoes said:


> Yep, had you alllllllll fooled with my fluffiness :001_cool:
> 
> Deep down I have a burning hatred for you and 'your kind'
> 
> ...


I am not even going to think about this - I just hope it involves seeds and a birdbath . . .


----------



## Flamingoes (Dec 8, 2012)

Mulish said:


> Impressive aren't they? I think it's something to do with the angle of the dangle that makes them spectacularly pendulishious. I've accidentally hypnotized folk when I've gone out bra-less before. At least, I assume that's why they were clucking at me :confused5:


Bloody fantastic.

I particularly enjoy how pink and sparkly they are.



lostbear said:


> I am not even going to think about this - I just hope it involves seeds and a birdbath . . .


Oh, it did, but not how you think :drool:

*watches crows pecking at their own livers* aye, that's right :


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## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

Flams, have you been at the rainbow crystals again??


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## cheekyscrip (Feb 8, 2010)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> Flams, have you been at the rainbow crystals again??


no...she must have been the one who got my kibble:frown2:

or was it Aunte's dangly ferrets?
or hairdresser?

ownup or no catnip tonite!


----------



## Flamingoes (Dec 8, 2012)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> Flams, have you been at the rainbow crystals again??


Diet coke, water and a new innocent smoothie. I blame the latter; it said it was super juicy 

Mangoes + 1 1/2 banana + orange + pineapple = fail 

ETA however, what ever rainbow crystals are they sound right up my street and I wish for some please, thank you, ta


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## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

Flamingoes said:


> Diet coke, water and a new innocent smoothie. I blame the latter; it said it was super juicy
> 
> Mangoes + 1 1/2 banana + orange + pineapple = fail
> 
> ETA however, what ever rainbow crystals are they sound right up my street and I wish for some please, thank you, ta


What??!! You don't know what rainbow crystals are???

Chuff, that's what I used to spend my school dinner money on, talk about sugary highs and skin colour changing experiences!!


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> What??!! You don't know what rainbow crystals are???
> 
> Chuff, that's what I used to spend my school dinner money on, talk about sugary highs and skin colour changing experiences!!


I remember rainbow crystals! - the Chateau Lafitte Premier Cru of sherbets - full of uncontrolled e-numbers and probably the less mentionable parts of animals to provide the colouring - sugary delight through and through!

And yet, even though we returned to school in the afternoon high on chemicals and carbohydrate, with a blood sugar level so high it was practically crystallised in our tiny veins, we never stabbed a teacher or set even a geography teacher on fire (though God knows they deserved it!). I worry about today's kids, I really do.


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## Flamingoes (Dec 8, 2012)

As I would have said in a previous life-time; what the ELF?!

Why have I missed out on something that is titled specifically to please brains such as mine?!

This is horrific


----------



## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

Flamingoes said:


> As I would have said in a previous life-time; what the ELF?!
> 
> Why have I missed out on something that is titled specifically to please brains such as mine?!
> 
> This is horrific


Ahhhhhhh, I've lived the life, rainbow crystals and grammar school, what a mix!!!


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## Flamingoes (Dec 8, 2012)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> Ahhhhhhh, I've lived the life, rainbow crystals and grammar school, what a mix!!!


I had neither.

This is why my mental health is ruined, isn't it 

And is this a sticky yet? :lol:


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## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

Flamingoes said:


> I had neither.
> 
> This is why my mental health is ruined, isn't it
> 
> And is this a sticky yet? :lol:


I think it might be the opposite way round Flams, you could be the only *normal* one on this forum! :yikes:


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## Flamingoes (Dec 8, 2012)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> I think it might be the opposite way round Flams, you could be the only *normal* one on this forum! :yikes:


:sad: Christ help us all *crosses self and hangs head*


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## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

Flamingoes said:


> :sad: Christ help us all *crosses self and hangs head*


Oh I dunno, I could think of worse people to base *normal* on


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## Flamingoes (Dec 8, 2012)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> Oh I dunno, I could think of worse people to base *normal* on


You're biased 

:001_wub:


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## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

Flamingoes said:


> You're biased
> 
> :001_wub:


I am completely unbiased 

I do wonder if anyone has found this thread searching the internet for help for their verucas, they'll think we're all mad


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## Flamingoes (Dec 8, 2012)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> I am completely unbiased
> 
> I do wonder if anyone has found this thread searching the internet for help for their verucas, they'll think we're all mad


Lm*ao!

Suddenly the number of giant anteaters in the UK soars :lol:


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## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

Flamingoes said:


> Lm*ao!
> 
> Suddenly the number of giant anteaters in the UK soars :lol:


I will not be held responsible for anyone losing their feet from following my *advice*, or losing their ferrets!


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## Flamingoes (Dec 8, 2012)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> I will not be held responsible for anyone losing their feet from following my *advice*, or losing their ferrets!


I have no ferret and no sodding rainbow crystals.

No wonder my life is a mess 

(I don't have a verruca either though *runs off again, stomping and giggling* )


----------



## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

Flamingoes said:


> I have no ferret and no sodding rainbow crystals.
> 
> No wonder my life is a mess
> 
> (I don't have a verruca either though *runs off again, stomping and giggling* )


Ooooh you rotter, you wait until LB spots this post, flaunting your non afflicted footsies!!!!

I'm off to go make tea for me and the girls, coati mundi, ferrets, whip scorpion and moray eel, although the latter is still stuffed full of biscuits, so may not be hungry. Thank goodness I managed to *rehome* the marmosets, the little critters nearly made it out of those chains before I managed to wedge them through the catflap I found open and unguarded!!


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## Flamingoes (Dec 8, 2012)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> Ooooh you rotter, you wait until LB spots this post, flaunting your non afflicted footsies!!!!
> 
> I'm off to go make tea for me and the girls, coati mundi, ferrets, whip scorpion and moray eel, although the latter is still stuffed full of biscuits, so may not be hungry. Thank goodness I managed to *rehome* the marmosets, the little critters nearly made it out of those chains before I managed to wedge them through the catflap I found open and unguarded!!


Moray eels are a bone of contention between me and Nicky; these thing are amazing then stick their heads in tubes and ignore us.

They are relegated to the sweet potato category (see what's for tea thread for further deatails)


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## Flamingoes (Dec 8, 2012)

Double post but I've just been informed that said eel was actually a congar eel and I thus apologise to any moray eels who were afronted by my previous post


(P.s - defriend Nicky10, she sucks) xx


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## cheekyscrip (Feb 8, 2010)

Ithink this thread will make verrucas the latest trend..

obviously along with ferrets ,dangling and anteaters on crystals...and moray eels...on high...



Flammie is totally normal.:thumbup1:.:yesnod:

Nicky10 keeps her caged out of sheer spite!:yikes:


Beware though: there is a growing suspicion that verrucas affect the brain of the initial breeder and those who may come in contact with them!!


and that includes ONLINE:yikes:



and even lurkers are not safe!


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## cinnamontoast (Oct 24, 2010)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> I am completely unbiased
> 
> I do wonder if anyone has found this thread searching the internet for help for their verucas, they'll think we're all mad


I have the solution!! :yikes:

Whilst choosing tiles in a shop today, we encountered the cure: very rough tiles!! I fear I may slip and fall ar$e over t!t getting out of the shower so I wanted to ensure the floor tiles weren't too slippy. I was telling the OH how the tiles I was feeling would rid anyone of verrucas. I'm afraid I was wetting myself! I couldn't explain to the OH, he'd need to read this whole thread and he's a busy man.


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## Jonescat (Feb 5, 2012)

You need to keep anteaters away from rainbow crystals - they suck them up their long long noses but the crystals are like snuff to them. And snuff makes you sneeze....

We are now a show house for a very trendy new finish for walls - we' re calling it crystal-spattered, and hoping that we can get someone like Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen to says he likes it.


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Flamingoes said:


> I have no ferret and no sodding rainbow crystals.
> 
> No wonder my life is a mess
> 
> (I don't *have a verruca either though *runs off again, stomping and giggling* )*


Curse you, you nimble-footed pink-furred nymph! May your eyebrows grow like Japanese knotweed on a bowling green and your nostril hair like a barrier reef brittle star invasion . . .

I will hop with unfettered delight - waving my crystal-hyped-up ferrets in your furry face. :001_tt2::001_tt2::001_tt2:

(Don't try this at home folks)


----------



## staffgirl (May 1, 2013)

Do your walls look like this now (but without the half-naked bint and her bloke)? You could turn it into a money spinner. Call it the Crystal Spa and charge folk to hang out in it. Rather like I imagine what's going on under the towels of the 2 in the picture.


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> Ooooh you rotter, you wait until LB spots this post, flaunting your non afflicted footsies!!!!
> 
> I'm off to go make tea for me and the girls, coati mundi, ferrets, whip scorpion and moray eel, although the latter is still stuffed full of biscuits, so may not be hungry. * Thank goodness I managed to *rehome* the marmosets, the little critters nearly made it out of those chains before I managed to wedge them through the catflap I found open and unguarded!!*


Thank you for the marmosets - half a dozen would have been ample (I suppose Mulish told you where the unguarded cat-flap was hidden - sneak!). I dare say I can find a use for the other 47.

That coatimundi is rightfully mine. I've planted a small rainforest in the greenhouse, filled with egg-laying iguanas and a Nintendo Wii to keep him occupied and amused.


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## Jonescat (Feb 5, 2012)

Kind of but also a bit more Jackson Pollock









- but I think Mr Snuffles would really like a spa - do you think the punters would mind sharing?


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## Sophiebee (Jul 9, 2013)

This threads clearly gone mad....  Do any of these amazing critters you lot own do toenail removals? Sadly i dont have a catflap but i can leave a window open.... ?


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## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

Sophiebee said:


> This threads clearly gone mad....  Do any of these amazing critters you lot own do toenail removals? Sadly i dont have a catflap but i can leave a window open.... ?


Not removals as such, but the whip scorpion clan will have them sparkly and shiny in no time at all, neatly trimmed with their little pincers. I'll throw in a free ferronic irrigation :ihih:


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## Mulish (Feb 20, 2013)

Sophiebee said:


> This threads clearly gone mad....  Do any of these amazing critters you lot own do toenail removals? Sadly i dont have a catflap but i can leave a window open.... ?





Sleeping_Lion said:


> Not removals as such, but the whip scorpion clan will have them sparkly and shiny in no time at all, neatly trimmed with their little pincers. I'll throw in a free ferronic irrigation :ihih:


Go for the ferronic irrigation. It won't make your ingrowing toenail feel any better but it'll certainly put the pain into perspective.


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## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

Mulish said:


> Go for the ferronic irrigation. It won't make your ingrowing toenail feel any better but it'll certainly put the pain into perspective.


I'll have you know I've only ever received ONE complaint for the ferronic irrigation process, and that was from a new client who happened to lie the wrong way round on the table. Bert was an inexperienced ferret and had to be retired early due to the experience, unfortunately.

The majority of people who opt for ferronic irrigation go away with a rather distant and bemused look on their face, certainly not a hint of pain, although some of them do walk out as if they're chewing a toffee!!


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sophiebee said:


> This threads clearly gone mad....  Do any of these amazing critters you lot own do toenail removals? Sadly i dont have a catflap but i can leave a window open.... ?


My Unholy Army of Marmosets can do that! Tell me how many toenails, and whether the owner is male or female, and I will arrange a price.


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> *I'll have you know I've only ever received ONE complaint for the ferronic irrigation process,* and that was from a new client who happened to lie the wrong way round on the table. Bert was an inexperienced ferret and had to be retired early due to the experience, unfortunately.
> 
> The majority of people who opt for ferronic irrigation go away with a rather distant and bemused look on their face, certainly not a hint of pain, although some of them do walk out as if they're chewing a toffee!!


Most customers remain speechless for several months . . .


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## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

lostbear said:


> Most customers remain speechless for several months . . .


That's a benefit according to some folk, I have a lot of people buying a session for their MIL :yesnod:


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> Not removals as such, but the whip scorpion clan will have them sparkly and shiny in no time at all, neatly trimmed with their little pincers. I'll throw in a free ferronic irrigation :ihih:


I notice that S_L doesn't mention the negative side effects of whip scorpion therapy - the tendency to wake up screaming in the night, and a paranoid twitch that strikes if even the slightest movement is observed (or imagined) from the corner of the eye. And a compulsive need to shake out all of your clothes every day, and stamp frantically at the floor, check under every cushion before you sit down, and not being able to bear being lightly touched . . . .

Marmoset therapy has no known adverse side effects. Clinical tests* have proved that the only result is a tendency to say "Aaaah!" a lot in a soppy sort of voice. This was observed in 100% of subjects**.

Baby marmosets are also excellent for ear-wax removal. Their tiny size and flexible little bodies, coupled with an opposable thumb and prehensile tail, make them ideally suited to enter the ear canal, pick off the excess wax, and then be pulled out by their tails which they are trained to grasp around a pencil. (The principle is the same one as used to be employed when sending small boys up chimneys, except that we have never had to light a fire under one yet to get it moving.) We recommend that you do NOT use this technique if you suffer from any contra-indications.

Are you a suitable candidate for "Marmotherapy"?

Q - Are you ticklish?
A - A bit - not too much. I hardly ever wee myself

_You are a likely suitable candidate._

Q - Do you enjoy it if someone lightly blows in your ear, or licks it teasingly?
A - Oh, you! You're awful! Stop it! (*giggle*)

_You are an ideal candidate._

Q - Does the though of a tiny, uncannily humanoid creature burrowing into your skull and digging into your bodily secretions with its miniature fingers make you hysterical?
A - Jesus! GetitoffgetitoffmegetitoffforGod'ssakegettitoffaaaarghhelpmehelpmejesusgodalmightygettitoffme

_I'm sorry. You are unlikely to benefit from our therapy technique. _

However, Anteater tongues can be an effective alternative ear-cleansing method. May I recommend Jonescat and Mr Snuggles?

(Don't go near any whip scorpions. They'll EAT YOUR BRAIN.)

*In our kitchen
**My daughter


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## cinnamontoast (Oct 24, 2010)

When in Arizona one time, I found a scorpion in my suitcase. I was hysterical, my OH, being on the toilet at the time, was of no use at all.


----------



## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

lostbear said:


> I notice that S_L doesn't mention the negative side effects of whip scorpion therapy - the tendency to wake up screaming in the night, and a paranoid twitch that strikes if even the slightest movement is observed (or imagined) from the corner of the eye. And a compulsive need to shake out all of your clothes every day, and stamp frantically at the floor, check under every cushion before you sit down, and not being able to bear being lightly touched . . . .
> 
> *Marmoset therapy has no known adverse side effects*. Clinical tests* have proved that the only result is a tendency to say "Aaaah!" a lot in a soppy sort of voice. This was observed in 100% of subjects**.
> 
> ...


Except they wee on their hands, so if you want to be forever known as pee-pee tootsies then a marmoset pedicure is the way to go. What LB also fails to mention is they are thieving little critters, everything in your home must be nailed down and thoroughly cleaned afterwards, and whatever you do, don't eat the muesli after they've gone!! I speak from personal experience :frown2:


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> Except they wee on their hands, so if you want to be forever known as pee-pee tootsies then a marmoset pedicure is the way to go. What LB also fails to mention is *they are thieving little critters, everything in your home must be nailed down* and thoroughly cleaned afterwards, and whatever you do, don't eat the muesli after they've gone!! I speak from personal experience :frown2:


Damn you! I had the chance of a lucrative little sideline on e-bay there - and you've ruined it!


----------



## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

lostbear said:


> Damn you! I had the chance of a lucrative little sideline on e-bay there - and you've ruined it!


Well it serves you right, my biscuit expenditure per month has gone up exponentially since the not-Norman arrived! I wouldn't mind but he doesn't share, not one crumb!!


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> *Except they wee on their hands,* so if you want to be forever known as pee-pee tootsies then a marmoset pedicure is the way to go. What LB also fails to mention is they are thieving little critters, everything in your home must be nailed down and thoroughly cleaned afterwards, and whatever you do, don't eat the muesli after they've gone!! I speak from personal experience :frown2:


Not everyone considers this an unpleasant trait. Those people who like to drink wee-wee probably find it charming, and it is a well-known old wives' cure for rough skin (and so could we can also offer beneficial manicures and pedicures).

It is also a common thing for soldiers to p!ss on their army boots (somehow the word 'wee' when applied to a bunch of [email protected]£d squaddies, seemed inappropriate), to soften the leather. LostBear Enterprises does shoe alterations, too.


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> Well it serves you right, my biscuit expenditure per month has gone up exponentially since the not-Norman arrived! I wouldn't mind but he doesn't share, not one crumb!!


Hang on, hang on - I offered to have him, but no! You decided the investment in garibaldis was worth it - on your own head.

I'm pleased it's not my Norman, anyway - I would have expected him to have better taste. :001_tongue: He used to get gypsy creams until they stopped making them (I think gypsies are a protected species now), and enjoyed the occasional Twix (left only - he had standards).


----------



## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

lostbear said:


> Not everyone considers this an unpleasant trait. Those people who like to drink wee-wee probably find it charming, and it is a well-know old wives' cure for rough skin (and so could we can also offer beneficial manicures and pedicures).
> 
> It is also a common thing for soldiers to p!ss on their army boots (somehow the word 'wee' when applied to a bunch of [email protected]£d squaddies, seemed inappropriate), to soften the leather. LostBear Enterprises does shoe alterations, too.


You will honestly go for any old wives tale to promote your products to make a quick buck from those poor downtrodden animals of yours! And I mean that in the literal sense, as I have it from my sources that you've trained the excess marmosets to wrap themselves round your feet like furry slippers, you have them doing ab-crunches so they can take the pressure on their tiny chest cavities!!!

Just you wait until I get the photographic evidence missy!!!


----------



## Sophiebee (Jul 9, 2013)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> Not removals as such, but the whip scorpion clan will have them sparkly and shiny in no time at all, neatly trimmed with their little pincers. I'll throw in a free ferronic irrigation :ihih:


Well i never could resisit a freebie  Also im extremely ticklish and i dont think OH would appreciate me smelling of wee, so marmosets wouldnt be the way to go. Bring on the scorpions!


----------



## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

lostbear said:


> Hang on, hang on - I offered to have him, but no! You decided the investment in garibaldis was worth it - on your own head.
> 
> I'm pleased it's not my Norman, anyway - I would have expected him to have better taste. :001_tongue: He used to get gypsy creams until they stopped making them (I think gypsies are a protected species now), and enjoyed the occasional Twix (left only - he had standards).


'ang on a minute, who was the one who disowned Norman because of a bit of a birth mark obscuring his tatoo?? It took you less than a nano-second to disown him! And where as I may be grumbling about him scoffing my garibaldis, at least I didn't turf out the little so and so, nor the whip scorpions, and as it happens I also found the gaboon viper you mislaid! He matches my curtains very well and is quite obedient as long as I keep him well fed, keeping them tied back to the appropriate amount of light coming through, and at night, he snuggles up with the whip scorpions, with little contented snores. And yet YOU, yep you missy, mislaid them all at a wild party!!! I ask you, how COULD you??!!! *sob* ....filling up with the THOUGHT of anyone abandoning these darlings

Ehem, yes, well onwards and....



Sophiebee said:


> Well i never could resisit a freebie  Also im extremely ticklish and i dont think OH would appreciate me smelling of wee, so marmosets wouldnt be the way to go. Bring on the scorpions!


You won't regret one second of it, of course most people prefer a blindfold, as the sight of *a few* whip scorpions wandering over their toes removing the bits of fluff and *cheese* can be quite, um, an unusual sight, not many people have seen it really.

The ferronic irrigation is optional, you can have a voucher for your MIL if you like instead :yesnod:


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## Mulish (Feb 20, 2013)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> You will honestly go for any old wives tale to promote your products to make a quick buck from those poor downtrodden animals of yours! And I mean that in the literal sense, as *I have it from my sources that you've trained the excess marmosets to wrap themselves round your feet like furry slippers*, you have them doing ab-crunches so they can take the pressure on their tiny chest cavities!!!
> 
> Just you wait until I get the photographic evidence missy!!!


They aren't marmosets, LB's feet really are that hairy. I think she may be part Hobbit. Or, possibly, an actual bear. It would explain why our salmon reserves have hit an all time low and don't get me started on the missing honey.



Sophiebee said:


> Well i never could resisit a freebie  Also im extremely ticklish and i dont think OH would appreciate me smelling of wee, so marmosets wouldnt be the way to go. *Bring on the scorpions!*


This is beginning to sound like a round of I'm a Celebrity...


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## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

Mulish said:


> They aren't marmosets, LB's feet really are that hairy. I think she may be part Hobbit. Or, possibly, an actual bear. It would explain why our salmon reserves have hit an all time low and don't get me started on the missing honey.


If that's the case, what on earth is she training them to do ab-crunches for, and where is she hiding them??


----------



## Mulish (Feb 20, 2013)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> If that's the case, what on earth is she training them to do ab-crunches for, and where is she hiding them??


Well, I'm the last person to gossip or spread unsubstantiated rumors but I *have* heard talk about a marmoset rowing team who are looking good for gold in the next Fluffy Olympics. She likely hides them in her drawer of random toot when they aren't in training.


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## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

Mulish said:


> Well, I'm the last person to gossip or spread unsubstantiated rumors but I *have* heard talk about a marmoset rowing team who are looking good for gold in the next Fluffy Olympics. She likely hides them in her drawer of random toot when they aren't in training.


Are you sure LB hasn't misread 'rowing' as in boating stuff, to 'rowing' as in 'avin a bit of an argey bargey?? Because to be quiet honest, the last one comes very naturally to the little blighters......


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> You will honestly go for any old wives tale to promote your products to make a quick buck from those poor downtrodden animals of yours! And I mean that in the literal sense, as I have it from* my sources*
> 
> I expect that's that grass, Mulish, again!
> 
> ...


Huh! I expect you'll photoshop it, as usual!


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sophiebee said:


> Well i never could resisit a freebie  Also im extremely ticklish and *i dont think OH would appreciate me smelling of wee,* so marmosets wouldnt be the way to go. Bring on the scorpions!


Your ticklishness could be an issue, but only if you are the one who wees.

Marmoset wee smells of rainbows and fairy dust, with a hint of freesias.


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> 'ang on a minute, *who was the one who disowned Norman because of a bit of a birth mark obscuring his tatoo??*
> 
> Not me! You twisted my words!
> 
> ...




This tells you everything about this unethical practice!


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Mulish said:


> They aren't marmosets, LB's feet really are that hairy. I think she may be part Hobbit. * Or, possibly, an actual bear.* It would explain why our salmon reserves have hit an all time low and don't get me started on the missing honey.
> 
> I really thought my secret was safe with you, Mulish! (*shakes head mournfully*) I am also part Hobbit, but only because there are bits of them stuck in my teeth
> 
> This is beginning to sound like a round of I'm a Celebrity...


Salmon and honey sandwich, anyone?


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> Are you sure* LB hasn't misread 'rowing' as in boating stuff, to 'rowing' as in 'avin a bit of an argey bargey?*? Because to be quiet honest, the last one comes very naturally to the little blighters......


Oh B****x - it's a short 'oh' - you're right. I thought it was an 'ow'.

Okay you lot, stop the crunches and get back into these ear-canals.


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## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

Ehem, if it's only a figure of speech, where did the errant Sumatran rhino come from that turned up in my laundry room, posing as a clothes horse? Not even the right species, Derek the Hanoverian was most put out!! He's been a loyal clothes horse for the last twelve years and is nowhere near retiring age. 

Thankfully, I managed to find a role for Tiny (as I like to call him) as a pouffe. 

So let me get this right, you dismissed the fact that Norman could be YOUR moray eel, because of a slight mark on his tattoo, and yet the overwhelming accompanying evidence of a number of whip scorpions and gaboon viper turning up in the same location, which PROVES said moray eel is Norman, and you still show absolutely no remorse in abandoning these poor creatures so you could have a frollick with a clown!! 

And then you have the audacity to try and put about rumours that my whip scorpion pedicures are unethical!!! I tell you what, you want to see the bill for hip scoring THAT lot!! And all the ferrets get goggles, and a bath after their sessions!! 

Stick that in yer pipe and smoke it, and I know you're a pipe smoker because it runs in the family, and Aunty Wendy smokes


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> Ehem, if it's only a figure of speech,* where did the errant Sumatran rhino come from that turned up in my laundry room,*
> 
> Not a clue. The rhino I didn't mislay was a white rhino
> 
> ...


Aunty Wendy is YOUR aunty. I have an Auntie Wendy. (And she's STILL grinning and sniggering! What the heck happened at Betty's? We'll probably never know)


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## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

Yes, the one that you painted with white emulsion, he's actually a Sumatran rhino, despite your best efforts to persuade people otherwise! 

And yes, it's a happy footrest  

You can't remember the night with the clown??!! Good grief, you'll never remember the night with the battalion of Green Howards then, you were sober in comparison!!  

Yes, I do get a multi hip discount, but have you seen how many those darn things have?? Once you've hipscored a dozen, and multiplied it by eight, the bill is, well, I've now got three mortgages!! And yep, I check for over/under shot mandibles, and they all have to pass an eye test, I've only had one so far that couldn't get down past the third row of letters from across the other side of the room. 

My Aunty Wendy's the one who smokes Cubans, your Aunty Wendy smokes a pipe, trust me, I've seen her put it away


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## staffgirl (May 1, 2013)

For the Love Of All Things Holy you lot! STOP MAKING ME LAUGH!!!!!! I have had children so am weak in the nether regions. You have made me touch cloth.


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## Jonescat (Feb 5, 2012)

Mr Snuffles would like to say that the Crystal Spa will be open very soon, offering all sorts of exotic and unique treatments, starting with the cleaning of ear canals by tongue, which can be extended to other orifices by negotiation, so long as the client has NOT undergone ferronic irrigation within the last three months. As soon as he has completed the course, he will also be offering thai foot massage (it's taking a while as he has to read the instructions backwards, with his feet and all).


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## staffgirl (May 1, 2013)

Ooh brilliant! Please can I book myself in? I am only interested in treatments from the waist up though (see previous post re. nether regions).

Oh and by the way - I haven't seen fluffy anteater in dark glasses since she set off for Mr Snuffles's welcome party on Saturday night. Did she make it to yours? Or has she shuffled off somewhere else? Or has she been "re-homed" via a catflap? 

She has been rather low recently. Some unkind anteaters mocked her fluffy plumage (she is a confused soul and thinks she's in fact a bird) and it hurt her feelings badly. I have done the rounds of all the bus stop drop-in anteater depression clinics but they won't tell me anything because of confidentiality. I feel so bad as it's all my fault. I ran out of Frizz-Ease serum which is why she is so fluffy.


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

staffgirl said:


> For the Love Of All Things Holy you lot! STOP MAKING ME LAUGH!!!!!! I have had children so am weak in the nether regions. *You have made me touch cloth*.


I'm not sure what this means, but it sounds _FILTHY!_

:ihih::ihih::ihih:


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## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

staffgirl said:


> Ooh brilliant! Please can I book myself in? I am only interested in treatments from the waist up though (see previous post re. nether regions).
> 
> Oh and by the way - I haven't seen fluffy anteater in dark glasses since she set off for Mr Snuffles's welcome party on Saturday night. Did she make it to yours? Or has she shuffled off somewhere else? Or has she been "re-homed" via a catflap?
> 
> She has been rather low recently. Some unkind anteaters mocked her fluffy plumage (she is a confused soul and thinks she's in fact a bird) and it hurt her feelings badly. I have done the rounds of all the bus stop drop-in anteater depression clinics but they won't tell me anything because of confidentiality. I feel so bad as it's all my fault. I ran out of Frizz-Ease serum which is why she is so fluffy.


Probably pangolins, they can be a bit terse, and they might be small but they can be a bit jealous of those more endowed with the hair, God help us if they saw LB's feet!!

Tell me you didn't let a giant anteater out in possible drizzle, or even RAIN without some sort of anti frizz product?? Oh my life, next thing you know there'll be a report of a giant tumbleweed with a tongue on the nine o'clock news!!!


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## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

lostbear said:


> I'm not sure what this means, but it sounds _FILTHY!_
> 
> :ihih::ihih::ihih:


I wasn't sure either, so I just assumed it was some sort of religious experience


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## Jonescat (Feb 5, 2012)

staffgirl said:


> Ooh brilliant! Please can I book myself in? I am only interested in treatments from the waist up though (see previous post re. nether regions).
> 
> Oh and by the way - I haven't seen fluffy anteater in dark glasses since she set off for Mr Snuffles's welcome party on Saturday night. Did she make it to yours? Or has she shuffled off somewhere else? Or has she been "re-homed" via a catflap?
> 
> She has been rather low recently. Some unkind anteaters mocked her fluffy plumage (she is a confused soul and thinks she's in fact a bird) and it hurt her feelings badly. I have done the rounds of all the bus stop drop-in anteater depression clinics but they won't tell me anything because of confidentiality. I feel so bad as it's all my fault. I ran out of Frizz-Ease serum which is why she is so fluffy.


She came, she danced, it struck midnight and she ran away like Cinderella. Mr Snuffles is distraught and has been waiting by the back door uttering a call of intense longing ( I thought he was whinging about the weather but apparently not). Usually in cases like this you have a least a slipper to go on but being an anteater she wasn't wearing any. He loved her fluffiness - he won't let me straighten him any more as he wants to be like his one true love.

Where can she be?


----------



## delca1 (Oct 29, 2011)

Sophiebee said:


> This threads clearly gone mad....  Do any of these amazing critters you lot own do toenail removals? Sadly i dont have a catflap but i can leave a window open.... ?


Toenail _removal_ , isn't that a form of torture??



lostbear said:


> Not everyone considers this an unpleasant trait. Those people who like to drink wee-wee probably find it charming, and it is a *well-known old wives' cure for rough skin *(and so could we can also offer beneficial manicures and pedicures).
> 
> It is also a common thing for *soldiers to p!ss on their army boots (somehow the word 'wee' when applied to a bunch of [email protected]£d squaddies, seemed inappropriate), to soften the leather. * LostBear Enterprises does shoe alterations, too.


Eureka!!! The verucca cure at last! Just re-tile your bathroom with really rough tiles, wee on the floor (not difficult if you've had kids and keep laughing at this thread) and rub your affected foot vigorously on the floor. Eventually the verruca will be worn away. Failing that you will have lovely soft skin on your soles


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> Yes, the one that you *painted with white emulsion,* he's actually a Sumatran rhino, despite your best efforts to persuade people otherwise!
> Not me! Don't tar everyone with your own emulsion brush! I suspect that you have emulsioned a perfectly good rhino in an attempt to frame me.
> 
> And yes, it's a happy footrest
> ...


]You must be mistaken. My Auntie Wendy only smokes kippers (though I understandshe chews tobacco - swears by a rough shag). Perhaps Mulish has an Auntie Wendy - could be her.


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## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

I did not emulsion any rhino!! In fact it took me three and a half weeks to get all the white stuff off him, it doesn't match my living room!! I've persuaded him to wear a stretchy green catsuit (not specifically for cats you understand, just the name of the item of clothing) so that he blends in. 

I'm telling you, it's YOUR Aunty Wendy that smokes the pipe, how do you think her home smoked kippers get that Virginia light flake aroma? Check where she keeps her ferrets, the pipe is tucked up behind them


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

staffgirl said:


> Ooh brilliant! Please can I book myself in? I am only interested in treatments from the waist up though (see previous post re. nether regions).
> 
> Oh and by the way - I haven't seen fluffy anteater in dark glasses since she set off for Mr Snuffles's welcome party on Saturday night. Did she make it to yours? Or has she shuffled off somewhere else? *Or has she been "re-homed" via a catflap? *
> 
> ...


Don't worry - the marmosets are smoothing down her frizzes with their rainbow-scented tinkle.


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Jonescat said:


> She came, she danced, it struck midnight and she ran away like Cinderella. Mr Snuffles is distraught and has been waiting by the back door uttering a call of intense longing ( I thought he was whinging about the weather but apparently not). Usually in cases like this you have a least a slipper to go on but being an anteater she wasn't wearing any. He loved her fluffiness - he won't let me straighten him any more as he wants to be like his one true love.
> 
> Where can she be?


Don't worry - she's safe and sound with Auntie Lostbear - nasty pangolins, they don't care whose heart they break.


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> I did not emulsion any rhino!! In fact it took me three and a half weeks to get all the white stuff off him, it doesn't match my living room!! I've persuaded him to wear a stretchy green catsuit (not specifically for cats you understand, just the name of the item of clothing) so that he blends in.
> 
> I'm telling you, it's YOUR Aunty Wendy that smokes the pipe, how do you think her home smoked kippers get that Virginia light flake aroma? C*heck where she keeps her ferrets, the pipe is tucked up behind them*


In her knicker drawer?


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## Jonescat (Feb 5, 2012)

lostbear said:


> Don't worry - she's safe and sound with Auntie Lostbear - nasty pangolins, they don't care whose heart they break.


Mr Snuffles is packing his stuff right now and will be on your doorstep PDQ


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## staffgirl (May 1, 2013)

lostbear said:


> I'm not sure what this means, but it sounds _FILTHY!_
> 
> :ihih::ihih::ihih:


Look away now if you're of a sensitive disposition.....

Touching cloth - when you have weak nether regions and you laugh or cough and a bit of wee makes contact with one's gusset.


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Jonescat said:


> Mr Snuffles is packing his stuff right now and will be on your doorstep PDQ


NO!

er, I mean - She'll be back round her mam's tomorrow morning - it's a girly night tonight for Sheena and her (does she have a name?). Mr Snuffles can go round with a bouquet of termites or something.

I've araldite-ed the cat flap shut. No boys allowed tonight!


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

staffgirl said:


> Look away now if you're of a sensitive disposition.....
> 
> Touching cloth - when you have weak nether regions and you laugh or cough and a bit of wee makes contact with one's gusset.


I _drench_ cloth on a regular basis.


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## staffgirl (May 1, 2013)

lostbear said:


> Don't worry - she's safe and sound with Auntie Lostbear - nasty pangolins, they don't care whose heart they break.


Thank heavens for that!!! I was getting so worried about her. Soon she and Mr Snuffles will be reunited as well. A sleepover is fine by me. I hope Sheena the not mislaid white rhino doesn't feel a bit of a gooseberry though.

Also I hope no hanky panky occurs tonight; I'm not sure how old she is. Not sure she's a girl either but I guess we'll hear soon enough. Anteaters are notoriously difficult to sex you know - ask Roger Dodgy Downes, he had a lot to say on the subject.


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## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

lostbear said:


> In her knicker drawer?


Close! Although I wouldn't go rummaging about in there if I were you, last time I heard it was guarded by a family of mantis shrimps!!



staffgirl said:


> Look away now if you're of a sensitive disposition.....
> 
> Touching cloth - when you have weak nether regions and you laugh or cough and a bit of wee makes contact with one's gusset.


See LB, I TOLD you it was a religious experience!


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## cinnamontoast (Oct 24, 2010)

delca1 said:


> Eureka!!! The verucca cure at last! Just re-tile your bathroom with really rough tiles, wee on the floor (not difficult if you've had kids and keep laughing at this thread) and rub your affected foot vigorously on the floor. Eventually the verruca will be worn away. Failing that you will have lovely soft skin on your soles


*Bows* And probably very clean tiles. :yesnod:

*Coughs loudly to attract attention*

Would someone care to explain this situation in my lounge?! Ok, it's three bottles for a tenner, but really, I only bought it yesterday and the cat flap (out of use for some years) is securely locked!!


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

staffgirl said:


> Thank heavens for that!!! I was getting so worried about her. *Soon she and Mr Snuffles will be reunited as well.* A sleepover is fine by me. I hope Sheena the not mislaid white rhino doesn't feel a bit of a gooseberry though.
> 
> Sheen and your girl are now BFFs, so I'm not letting Mr Snuffles in! It takes noting to break up an everlasting friendship with girls- you know that. I've blocked the cat flap and told him to go round yours in the morning.
> 
> ...


As on every topic


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## Sophiebee (Jul 9, 2013)

delca1 said:


> Toenail _removal_ , isn't that a form of torture??


Not if you have a horrible, infected, ingrown toenail that has resisted THREE seperate courses of antibiotics...


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> Close! Although I wouldn't go rummaging about in there if I were you, *last time I heard it was guarded by a family of mantis shrimps!! *
> 
> They've punched holes in all the bedroom furniture, apparently.
> 
> *See LB, I TOLD you it was a religious experience!*


Hallelujah!

So that's where Holy water comes from, is it?


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

cinnamontoast said:


> *Bows* And probably very clean tiles. :yesnod:
> 
> *Coughs loudly to attract attention*
> 
> Would someone care to explain this situation in my lounge?! Ok, it's three bottles for a tenner, but really, I only bought it yesterday and the cat flap (out of use for some years) is securely locked!!


Aaaah - isn't she sweet?!

I have no idea where your little bundle of pointy-nosed joy has come from, but you are truly blessed.

However, she doesn't look old enough to be necking wine, so I'd get her back on the Ribena if I were you.


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## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

cinnamontoast said:


> *Bows* And probably very clean tiles. :yesnod:
> 
> *Coughs loudly to attract attention*
> 
> Would someone care to explain this situation in my lounge?! Ok, it's three bottles for a tenner, but really, I only bought it yesterday and the cat flap (out of use for some years) is securely locked!!


[email protected], even the chuffin' ant eater's allowed a glass of wine, *adopts Charlton Heston pose for optimum impact* WHY ME?????? *sigh* never mind, roll on Weds evening when I can imbibe a glass or two.



lostbear said:


> Hallelujah!
> 
> So that's where Holy water comes from, is it?


:yesnod: - that's what the vicar told me!


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## cinnamontoast (Oct 24, 2010)

lostbear said:


> Aaaah - isn't she sweet?!
> 
> I have no idea where your little bundle of pointy-nosed joy has come from, but you are truly blessed.
> 
> However, she doesn't look old enough to be necking wine, so I'd get her back on the Ribena if I were you.


*Clenches teeth* I have tried!  She won't take it and keeps returning to the wine. She's now making a funny noise-possibly singing? Who knows? 



Sleeping_Lion said:


> [email protected], even the chuffin' ant eater's allowed a glass of wine, *adopts Charlton Heston pose for optimum impact* WHY ME?????? *sigh* never mind, roll on Weds evening when I can imbibe a glass or two


On call? That bridge may imminently fall down! :yikes: Perhaps the non white rhino will help prop it up....?


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## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

cinnamontoast said:


> On call? That bridge may imminently fall down! :yikes: Perhaps the non white rhino will help prop it up....?


It has been known to happen, particularly when people drive into the darn things. Keeping my fingers, toes (and instructed the menagerie to keep paws, pincers, eyes etc) crossed that the hotline doesn't ring!!


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

cinnamontoast said:


> *Clenches teeth* I have tried!  She won't take it and keeps returning to the wine. She's now making a funny noise-possibly singing? Who knows?
> 
> On call? That bridge may imminently fall down! :yikes: P*erhaps the non white rhino will help prop it up*....?


Sorry - not tonight. She's lying relaxing with her anteater BFF, surrounded by scented candles and marmoset acupuncturists.

Perhaps you could try this for "sighs".

The Planking Anteater - AOL On

The baby anteater ones are brill.


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## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

lostbear said:


> Sorry - not tonight. She's lying relaxing with her anteater BFF, surrounded by scented candles and marmoset acupuncturists.
> 
> Perhaps you could try this for "sighs".
> 
> ...


She means MY non-white-white-not white any more rhino!!


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## Jonescat (Feb 5, 2012)

Tell me it isn't true!




Have you SHAVED that anteater????


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## staffgirl (May 1, 2013)

Jonescat said:


> Tell me it isn't true!
> 
> Have you SHAVED that anteater????


I wondered the same thing. Although to be fair he/she (ROGER - could you please sex this anteater for us, as it were) looks very like my friend's Naked Fuzzy and that's all natural. I should know. I've seen it. Twice. Sweet thing it is. All lovely and warm in spite of it's nakedness. Still has whiskers though, and the obligatory long tail. Cute as a button! She has a couple of siamese versions too and they all live together very nicely. I like to admire from afar really, as I'm not sure my dogs would really go for us having rats here too.....


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## staffgirl (May 1, 2013)

I've lost track of who has the Marmosets. Mr Snuffles is all lonely now that my fluffy girlie in the dark glasses is having a beauty and film evening with Sheena the not mislaid, white, not white..... oh Lord I can't keep up....... rhino. 

Mr Snuffles wants to have a poker evening (think he had a different kind of poker in mind before he was thwarted) and the Marmosets with their fingers and whatnot would be better card players than the scorpions I guess. Do you think they'd be up for it? Contact Jonescat for info.


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## cinnamontoast (Oct 24, 2010)

Jonescat said:


> Have you SHAVED that anteater????


Might have done, what's it to you? *Looks round suspiciously* Are you the anteater police? :yikes:


----------



## sskmick (Feb 4, 2008)

This is not sensible advice, but I cut mine out. Concentrating on the centre. It took a while but in the end it worked. I didn't find off the shelf remedies worked.


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## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

staffgirl said:


> I've lost track of who has the Marmosets. Mr Snuffles is all lonely now that my fluffy girlie in the dark glasses is having a beauty and film evening with Sheena the not mislaid, white, not white..... oh Lord I can't keep up....... rhino.
> 
> Mr Snuffles wants to have a poker evening (think he had a different kind of poker in mind before he was thwarted) and the Marmosets with their fingers and whatnot would be better card players than the scorpions I guess. Do you think they'd be up for it? Contact Jonescat for info.


I think you'll find LB has the marmosets, I *rehomed* them with her when she said she would offer them a loving forever home, only to find she's exploiting them for their wee stained little mitts.



sskmick said:


> This is not sensible advice, but I cut mine out. Concentrating on the centre. It took a while but in the end it worked. I didn't find off the shelf remedies worked.


I think you'll find we've sort of moved on from verrucas, it's a sort of all encompassing thread.


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## tincan (Aug 30, 2012)

Whist feasting on my lambs liver & onions tonight ...... I thought about that poor verruca , and wondered if the butcher had rubbed it on his foot before placing the delicious liver under the counter ...:yikes::yikes:


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> She means MY non-white-white-not white any more rhino!!


Oh! Well pardon me for living!

*flounces off in a huff, muttering under breath*


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Jonescat said:


> Tell me it isn't true!
> 
> *
> Have you SHAVED that anteater????*


Testing out her No-No before the trial period is up, I expect.


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

staffgirl said:


> I've lost track of who has the Marmosets. Mr Snuffles is all lonely now that my fluffy girlie in the dark glasses is having a beauty and film evening with Sheena the not mislaid, white, not white..... oh Lord I can't keep up....... rhino.
> 
> Mr Snuffles wants to have a poker evening (think he had a different kind of poker in mind before he was thwarted) and *the Marmosets with their fingers and whatnot *would be better card players than the scorpions I guess. Do you think they'd be up for it? Contact Jonescat for info.


Yes, but they cheat shamelessly. And only the boys have a whatnot.


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> I think you'll find LB has the marmosets, I *rehomed* them with her when she said she would offer them a loving forever home, only to find she's exploiting them for their wee stained little mitts.
> 
> So speaks the wumman who is sending ferrets up people's bums, and making whip scorpions perform pedicures against all of their natural instincts. All I am doing is encouraging my little marmoreal companions to earn their muesli - I've got to meet that Alpen bill somehow. And it gives them dignity and self-respect to be productively employed. It's something to get out of their tree for on a morning.
> 
> I think you'll find we've sort of moved on from verrucas, it's a sort of all encompassing thread.


Yes, Mick - I'm afraid you'll have to keep up. Have you considered a speed-reading course? My bookworms swear by it (they swear by a lot - foul-mouthed little buggers they are. Spend too much time with my Auntie Wendy down at Joe Coral's)


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## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

tincan said:


> Whist feasting on my lambs liver & onions tonight ...... I thought about that poor verruca , and wondered if the butcher had rubbed it on his foot before placing the delicious liver under the counter ...:yikes::yikes:


I think that's standard in most meatariums.


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## Jonescat (Feb 5, 2012)

cinnamontoast said:


> Might have done, what's it to you? *Looks round suspiciously* Are you the anteater police? :yikes:


She was a role model for other anteaters. Your shameless bid to boost her career through shock value and outrage won't work round here, we like our anteaters traditional style. And if she turns up on a wrecking ball you can expect a lot of trouble!


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## cinnamontoast (Oct 24, 2010)

Jonescat said:


> She was a role model for other anteaters. Your shameless bid to boost her career through shock value and outrage won't work round here, we like our anteaters traditional style. And if she turns up on a wrecking ball you can expect a lot of trouble!


If she starts licking hammers, she's gone, I tell you, GONE!


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## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

Ooooh LB!!! 

I do not *shove* ferrets up anyone's posterior, it's their natural state to find a nice dark hidey hole, and it just happens to have a beneficial side effect. 

The whip scorpions LOVE doing the pedicures, toe cheese is one of their favourite foods, they smuggle little crackers into the sessions if they can. It's banned for hygiene reasons, obviously, but I can't help but feel they're getting extra enjoyment, after all, what's a bit of toe cheese without a water biscuit?? 

Aren't ant eaters from Brazil anyway??


----------



## Mulish (Feb 20, 2013)

lostbear said:


> ]You must be mistaken. My Auntie Wendy only smokes kippers (though I understandshe chews tobacco - swears by a rough shag). Perhaps Mulish has an Auntie Wendy - could be her.


I don't know how much of the Essex Girl stereotype you think I am but I can assure you I DO NOT discuss my Auntie Wendy on open forums. I save that for the adult chat lines that finance my 50 Shades of White stiletto collection.

I'd be more disappointed by your obvious ignorance but frankly it's been plainly on display throughout the thread so I've only myself to blame for reading on.

(Jonescat, I have it on good authority that LB's cat flap is free of obstruction once more if Mr Snuffles wants to get the happily ending to his Cinderella fairy tale )


----------



## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

Mulish said:


> I don't know how much of the Essex Girl stereotype you think I am but I can assure you I DO NOT discuss my Auntie Wendy on open forums. I save that for the adult chat lines that finance my 50 Shades of White stiletto collection.
> 
> I'd be more disappointed by your obvious ignorance but frankly it's been plainly on display throughout the thread so I've only myself to blame for reading on.
> 
> *(Jonescat, I have it on good authority that LB's cat flap is free of obstruction once more if Mr Snuffles wants to get the happily ending to his Cinderella fairy tale )*


I hope to God that's not a euphemism!!


----------



## Mulish (Feb 20, 2013)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> I hope to God that's not a euphemism!!


 What is wrong with the people on this thread?  It's like living in a Carry On film. Good god, I left Essex to avoid these sorts of conversations!

(Just to check, though, did you mean LB's cat flap or Mr Snuffles' happy ending?)


----------



## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

Mulish said:


> What is wrong with the people on this thread?  It's like living in a Carry On film. Good god, I left Essex to avoid these sorts of conversations!
> 
> (Just to check, though, did you mean LB's cat flap or Mr Snuffles' happy ending?)


Both!!!!!!


----------



## Mulish (Feb 20, 2013)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> Both!!!!!!


Oh, in that case, yes


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> Ooooh LB!!!
> 
> I do not *shove* ferrets up anyone's posterior, it's their natural state to find a nice dark hidey hole, and it just happens to have a beneficial side effect.
> 
> ...


Not this one. It came from the doorstep.


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Mulish said:


> I don't know how much of the Essex Girl stereotype you think I am but I can assure you I DO NOT discuss my Auntie Wendy on open forums. I save that for the adult chat lines that finance my *50 Shades of White stiletto collection.*
> White stilettoes . . . . lovely!
> 
> I'd be more disappointed by your obvious ignorance but frankly it's been plainly on display throughout the thread so I've only myself to blame for reading on.
> ...


*
*

She's home now - had a great time! Stop trying to stir it!


----------



## staffgirl (May 1, 2013)

Fluffy anteater in dark glasses is indeed home now. Her "plumage" is looking glorious so many thanks to those hairdressing geniuses the marmosets! I can see a new income for you using their rainbow scented wee, as you really can bottle it proper like and flog it to the haircare sector. Just need a catchy name for it..........

Fluffy is rather subdued now though. Perhaps she finds living here rather dull as we have no rhinos, marmosets or anything that she can have girlie bonding evening with. I might suggest she goes to the cinema with Mr Snuffles to perk her up a bit.


----------



## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

staffgirl said:


> Fluffy anteater in dark glasses is indeed home now. Her "plumage" is looking glorious so many thanks to those hairdressing geniuses the marmosets! I can see a new income for you using their rainbow scented wee, as you really can bottle it proper like and flog it to the haircare sector. *Just need a catchy name for it*..........
> 
> Fluffy is rather subdued now though. Perhaps she finds living here rather dull as we have no rhinos, marmosets or anything that she can have girlie bonding evening with. I might suggest she goes to the cinema with Mr Snuffles to perk her up a bit.


Urinaturally ShamPOO


----------



## Jonescat (Feb 5, 2012)

Mr Snuffles wishes to make clear that he is an old-fashioned sort of anteater and there were no happy endings of any sort at the weekend.

He would very much like to go to the cinema, perhaps on Friday, and is trying to find one showing Antz, if Miss Fluffy is free.


----------



## staffgirl (May 1, 2013)

Jonescat said:


> Mr Snuffles wishes to make clear that he is an old-fashioned sort of anteater and there were no happy endings of any sort at the weekend.
> 
> He would very much like to go to the cinema, perhaps on Friday, and is trying to find one showing Antz, if Miss Fluffy is free.


Miss Fluffy would be delighted to accept! She very much wants to see Antz. And has suggested that they go for a bite to eat beforehand - antipasto is her favourite and she knows a good restaurant. Ooh - she's a very happy little fluffy anteater now. And I am reassured that Mr Snuffles is a gent and that she is in safe hands, claws, paws, feet or whatever they are called.


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

staffgirl said:


> Fluffy anteater in dark glasses is indeed home now. *Her "plumage" is looking glorious so many thanks to those hairdressing geniuses the marmosets!
> *They really are gifted - slightly unnerving in their enthusiasm, but gifted.
> 
> I can see a new income for you using their rainbow scented wee, as you really can bottle it proper like and flog it to the haircare sector. *Just need a catchy name for it..........
> ...


I hope love does not affect our girls' friendship. I would like to say, Fluffy is an absolute joy, and is welcome back any time for tea or a sleepover.

I hope her date goes well (Sheena is very excited for her, and can't wait to hear all about it - in fact I can hear her on the phone, giggling, so I can only assume they are talking about it now. Sheena knows Mr Snuffles, of course)


----------



## staffgirl (May 1, 2013)

Am slightly perturbed. I returned from dog walking this morning to find Miss Fluffy deeply engrossed in this book.









Hmmmmm......


----------



## Jonescat (Feb 5, 2012)

Hope it is not a sign of a late emo phase....


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

staffgirl said:


> Am slightly perturbed. I returned from dog walking this morning to find Miss Fluffy deeply engrossed in this book.
> 
> View attachment 133201
> 
> ...


Dammit! Now I've had to buy a copy.


----------



## staffgirl (May 1, 2013)

So! Tonight is date night for Mr Snuffles and Miss Fluffy! She is very excited but annoyed at what the wind and rain will do to her plumage before she reaches the restaurant. As it's Valentine's Day she is in an especially romantic mood and has just watched one of her all-time favourite films:









I hope this will distract her from that blimmin book she has been reading, whatever that may be about. It's too scary for me to read given that she now lives with me. I may need to ask for the marmosets to take up temporary residence here to keep her calm, what with their magical fingers and rainbow scented tinkle. Stupidly I thought that raising an anteater would be easier than a human, but it appears to be just as fraught and complicated. Perhaps it's just one of those phases they go through.


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

staffgirl said:


> So! Tonight is date night for Mr Snuffles and Miss Fluffy! She is very excited but annoyed at what the wind and rain will do to her plumage before she reaches the restaurant. As it's Valentine's Day she is in an especially romantic mood and has just watched one of her all-time favourite films:
> 
> View attachment 133349
> 
> ...


Sorry - haven't been here for a while, so missed your ace picture of Miss Fluffy's favourite film! Brilliant!


----------



## cinnamontoast (Oct 24, 2010)

This thread has been very entertaining and still is. It's a shame if one member doesn't like the fact that you're funny and have had zillions of replies on here and this thread has been getting more and more hysterical. Rep for keeping me entertained over half term.


----------



## lilythepink (Jul 24, 2013)

38 pages long and well over 1000 likes.....but one doesn't like it?oh well....no accounting for taste.lol


----------



## Blackcats (Apr 13, 2013)

LB has been banned. 

I didn't read all this thread but it helps turn those frowns upside down. Funny stuff  

What happened?


----------



## cinnamontoast (Oct 24, 2010)

I think it is totally out of order for a member to red rep someone for something, not allow the person to comment on the rep because she won't accept messages except from friends then a mod to take sides. You are supposed to 'moderate'!


----------



## Blackcats (Apr 13, 2013)

cinnamontoast said:


> I think it is totally out of order for a member to red rep someone for something, not allow the person to comment on the rep because she won't accept messages except from friends then a mod to take sides. You are supposed to 'moderate'!


Cheryl has been banned too. Was just speaking to her.  I don't know what's happened as it seemed quiet.

I speak to Cherly outside here anyway so will catch her sometime

I know who you are on about Cinnamontoast as she does it with me too. She got baned the other day for being spiteful on a thread.

Why are these members allowed to stay on here. They contribute nothing.

Probably will get banned for this but totally unfair.  

Would like an answer please?


----------



## bearcub (Jul 19, 2011)

I was just about to reply to lostbear on a different thread only to discover she'd been banned  

It does make me wonder what on earth users like her and SL could have done to be banned, I always thought banning was reserved for trolls and people who use abusive language etc rather than valued users of the forum


----------



## staffgirl (May 1, 2013)

Lostbear banned?! Nooooooooooooo!!! Hope she's back very soon.


----------



## staffgirl (May 1, 2013)

I miss SL too......


----------



## cinnamontoast (Oct 24, 2010)

The recently unbanned one used to massively defend a known troll but doesn't like LB getting attention, clearly. She is allowed to red rep for spurious reasons, tho. 

Frankly, this thread has provided lots of light hearted entertainment recently on here, something which was sadly lacking. We should compare who contributes most to the forum, not who complains most to the mod team.


----------



## canuckjill (Jun 25, 2008)

Blackcats said:


> Cheryl has been banned too. Was just speaking to her.  I don't know what's happened as it seemed quiet.
> 
> I speak to Cherly outside here anyway so will catch her sometime
> 
> ...





bearcub said:


> I was just about to reply to lostbear on a different thread only to discover she'd been banned
> 
> It does make me wonder what on earth users like her and SL could have done to be banned, I always thought banning was reserved for trolls and people who use abusive language etc rather than valued users of the forum





cinnamontoast said:


> The recently unbanned one used to massively defend a known troll but doesn't like LB getting attention, clearly. She is allowed to red rep for spurious reasons, tho.


reasons for bans whether temp or perm are not up for discussion with members. If you have an issue with a Mods decision than Please message the forum administrator...anymore references to rep and this shall be closed


----------



## Blackcats (Apr 13, 2013)

Ban good members and let the ones who continuously cause problems and contribute nothing, they get to stay.

We say something and go against it and we get banned. Dictatorship. 

WORD OF ADVICE - If you don't like someone and don't care for what they say why pester them so much. Ignore.

Nobody is fooled.


----------



## Blackcats (Apr 13, 2013)

canuckjill said:


> reasons for bans whether temp or perm are not up for discussion with members. If you have an issue with a Mods decision than Please message the forum administrator...anymore references to rep and this shall be closed


Can you message me please Jill for Cheryl's ban as I just spoke to her and the message she got for her ban...she doesn't understand it.


----------



## Mulish (Feb 20, 2013)

Lets try and keep LB's thread open and on topic until her return. I've heard she is in fact in quarantine, where she will continue to be held until the verruca is finally vanquished. It's for the good of us all.

One day (hopefully soon) we shall all stop in our threads and cock our heads to the side. Hark, we shall say, what noise is that from over yonder?

_Tippy tap, tippity tap._

And then, like a northern phoenix rising from it's coal fire ashes, we shall see her tap dancing towards us, strumming her ukulele. Yay we shall all say as we ply her with ale and bourbon biccies in celebration.

Then, whilst she's distracted, all of our unwanted, incontinent and generally temperamentally 'iffy' pets can be shoved quickly through her cat flap and a boulder rolled in place. :thumbup:


----------



## Blackcats (Apr 13, 2013)

Until someone else gets the dreaded verruca...... Then we're all just screwed.

How can we stay safe....

1. No sharing shoes because you may get a Verucca and die
2. No sharing socks because you may get a Verucca and die
3. Stay away from swimming pools because you may get a Verucca and die.
4. No playing footsies because you may get a Verucca and die

Basically we all are fecked.

Okay, I can think of only one thing; foot inspections. Honestly I don't have a wart but if I get my feet out my peg basket will slowly be empty.


----------



## lilythepink (Jul 24, 2013)

Mulish said:


> Lets try and keep LB's thread open and on topic until her return. I've heard she is in fact in quarantine, where she will continue to be held until the verruca is finally vanquished. It's for the good of us all.
> 
> One day (hopefully soon) we shall all stop in our threads and cock our heads to the side. Hark, we shall say, what noise is that from over yonder?
> 
> ...


I will hold the gully to cut the singing hinny.....and we can all have bread for tea.lol


----------



## staffgirl (May 1, 2013)

Verrucas are viral. The interweb often has things that go viral. Precautions must be put in place otherwise we are all doomed. 

I have covered my keyboard in Germolene and clingfilm.


----------



## Blackcats (Apr 13, 2013)

staffgirl said:


> Verrucas are viral. The interweb often has things that go viral. Precautions must be put in place otherwise we are all doomed.
> 
> I have covered my keyboard in Germolene and clingfilm.


It won't protect you.

Verrucas are like water. The bastards get anywhere.

We may as well just kiss our sorry asses goodbye.


----------



## lilythepink (Jul 24, 2013)

even triffids have a weak spot....salt water for them. Verruccas are not immune, just need to find the weak spot too.


----------



## lilythepink (Jul 24, 2013)

staffgirl said:


> Verrucas are viral. The interweb often has things that go viral. Precautions must be put in place otherwise we are all doomed.
> 
> I have covered my keyboard in Germolene and clingfilm.


I thought you needed tin foil, not cling film????


----------



## Blackcats (Apr 13, 2013)

lilythepink said:


> even triffids have a weak spot....salt water for them. Verruccas are not immune, just need to find the weak spot too.


Oh, but they are. They're like rats immune to warfarin. They just cannot be stopped.

Well, there is only one thing we can do...










This is gunna suck big time. Gunna die and can't even have a drink. And where the heck does one go poopsie.


----------



## Mulish (Feb 20, 2013)

lilythepink said:


> I will hold the gully to cut the singing hinny.....and we can all have bread for tea.lol


Are you trying to serenade me? At a time like this? Don't you know we are all DOOMED!!!!! (if you didn't know that, see staffgirl's post, quoted below).



staffgirl said:


> Verrucas are viral. The interweb often has things that go viral. Precautions must be put in place otherwise we are all doomed.
> 
> I have covered my keyboard in Germolene and clingfilm.


Wise precautions indeed. I don't have any clingfilm so am using tinfoil instead which has the added benefit of stopping aliens from reading my emails.



Blackcats said:


> It won't protect you.
> 
> Verrucas are like water. The bastards get anywhere.
> 
> *We may as well just kiss our sorry asses goodbye*.


No! The key to stopping infection is to not let any part of your body touch any other part of your (or anybody else's) body. So don't kiss your ass, however sorry it may be. A friendly wave of solidarity from a distance of at least 3 feet is far more advisable.

This has been a PSA on behalf of the Verruca Vanquishing Party.


----------



## Mulish (Feb 20, 2013)

Blackcats said:


> Oh, but they are. They're like rats immune to warfarin. They just cannot be stopped.
> 
> Well, there is only one thing we can do...
> 
> ...


Judging from where that bloke's pointing, over there in the corner


----------



## Blackcats (Apr 13, 2013)

Mulish said:


> Judging from where that bloke's pointing, over there in the corner


Poop in front of everyone. (The Verruca may get in. It's gone airborne now, haven't you heard)

Good thing I'm a lady cos we all know we don't do that.


----------



## staffgirl (May 1, 2013)

lilythepink said:


> I thought you needed tin foil, not cling film????


Dammit! That's where I've been going wrong all these years then.....


----------



## delca1 (Oct 29, 2011)

I have a nice day out, pub lunch too and come back to chaos and bans. :frown2:



Blackcats said:


> It won't protect you.
> 
> Verrucas are like water. The bastards get anywhere.
> 
> *We may as well just kiss our sorry asses goodbye*.


You can get verrucas on there 
We are doomed for sure :


----------



## Blackcats (Apr 13, 2013)

delca1 said:


> I have a nice day out, pub lunch too and come back to chaos and bans. :frown2:
> 
> You can get verrucas on there
> We are doomed for sure :


Apparently you can get them anywhere.

-Peers down in horror-


----------



## delca1 (Oct 29, 2011)

Blackcats said:


> Apparently you can get them anywhere.
> 
> -Peers down in horror-


 Maybe they are anteater verrucas that have mutated


----------



## staffgirl (May 1, 2013)

itss harde to typpe weith ghermoolenme,. clingkfiiolm nand ttin foiul onm myu klweybioard.


----------



## Blackcats (Apr 13, 2013)

delca1 said:


> Maybe they are anteater verrucas that have mutated


Anteater Verrucas.

If they have mutated then we have a problem. 

I assume the Anteater is a more aggressive form of Verruca? Or is that just the name of it.

Cos personally I'd call it the Honeywart, named from the Honeybadger as that animal just don't feel fear and nothing has yet to beat it. Just watch the Honey Badger video. He don't care.


----------



## staffgirl (May 1, 2013)

Will this help too?









Have removed germolene, cling film and tin foil as it was too tricky.


----------



## cinnamontoast (Oct 24, 2010)

I only have sudocreme: will that be ok?! *Worries* I think I may cover my entire body in cling film and seal the gaps with Sellotape, I want to be completely unrecognisable in case verrucas can do facial recognition  Here I am in the Staffroom. I hope the kids won't laugh as I squeak round the room 










I have also taped up the dog flap and the cat flap (yes, I have both!) Will that be ok or should I also consider blocking the chimney and the letterbox? It's just I'm waiting for something I bought on eBay.


----------



## Blackcats (Apr 13, 2013)

BLOCK EVERYTHING OR YOU WILL DIE 

Say goodbye to the ebay item and to the Verruca who will try and get at you. Fight the little b****.


----------



## lilythepink (Jul 24, 2013)

don't forget to hide the jam and peanut butter


----------



## Mulish (Feb 20, 2013)

cinnamontoast said:


> I only have sudocreme: will that be ok?! *Worries* I think I may cover my entire body in cling film and seal the gaps with Sellotape, I want to be completely unrecognisable in case verrucas can do facial recognition  Here I am in the Staffroom. I hope the kids won't laugh as I squeak round the room
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I think it's been proved that the verruca is now airborne (possibly has it's own spitfire, I'm not sure ) Really, I think the only way to be completely safe is to hermetically seal yourself somewhere until the crisis is over, deliveries can wait. I think the PO hold packages for a couple of weeks, don't they?


----------



## Hanwombat (Sep 5, 2013)

Come back lostbearrrrrr


----------



## cinnamontoast (Oct 24, 2010)

Mulish said:


> I think it's been proved that the verruca is now airborne (possibly has it's own spitfire, I'm not sure ) Really, I think the only way to be completely safe is to hermetically seal yourself somewhere until the crisis is over, deliveries can wait. I think the PO hold packages for a couple of weeks, don't they?


But, but, how will I know if the crisis is over? (And surely hermetically sealing myself in will result in quite swift suffocation and subsequently death?! I think you're trying to assassinate me, Mulish  *Points accusingly*. J'accuse!!)

Even if I were to have a phone in my hermetically sealed, super safe underground bunker, I fear the verruca would find a way of transmitting itself down the phone line  

This is me boffing the verruca if it finds me:


----------



## lilythepink (Jul 24, 2013)

cinnamontoast said:


> But, but, how will I know if the crisis is over? (And surely hermetically sealing myself in will result in quite swift suffocation and subsequently death?! I think you're trying to assassinate me, Mulish  *Points accusingly*. J'accuse!!)
> 
> Even if I were to have a phone in my hermetically sealed, super safe underground bunker, I fear the verruca would find a way of transmitting itself down the phone line


have you forgotten the life giving qualities of the jam and peanut butter already?

Fear not......let the jam and peanut butter do what they were sent here for.


----------



## cinnamontoast (Oct 24, 2010)

I have both, but I made the fatal error of purchasing seedless raspberry jam.  There's no excuse, I know, but I was distracted by the wonders of a squeezy Marmite jar  Perhaps I can capture the verruca in a tasty mix of both...?


----------



## lilythepink (Jul 24, 2013)

cinnamontoast said:


> I have both, but I made the fatal error of purchasing seedless raspberry jam.  There's no excuse, I know, but I was distracted by the wonders of a squeezy Marmite jar  Perhaps I can capture the verruca in a tasty mix of both...?


seedless raspberry jam....oh dear, you are doomed.......

unless,

you can find the seeds?


----------



## cinnamontoast (Oct 24, 2010)

*Wonders if fennel or sesame seeds are an adequate substitute*


----------



## Firedog (Oct 19, 2011)

I have a verruca but no anteater.....please don't send one here as I have a very small not much bigger than an ant sized puppy that might get sucked up.


----------



## staffgirl (May 1, 2013)

It's rhubarb and ginger jam you need. Unfortunately our 2 main experts are both in quarantine currently so we're going to have to fend for ourselves for a little while.

And just a word of warning - I heard that Dodgy Roger hasn't got any cases on at the moment, so he'll be all over us if we are refusing to house homeless verrucas once they've targeted us. Anyone know where we stand if they haven't actually moved in yet, but are in the vicinity? I fear this is going to be a complex legal issue. Is it like the DDA changes? Can anyone be held accountable and charged, regardless of whether they are the rightful place of residence, or just any poor sap who happened to be there at the time?


----------



## staffgirl (May 1, 2013)

Firedog said:


> I have a verruca but no anteater.....please don't send one here as I have a very small not much bigger than an ant sized puppy that might get sucked up.


That's a terrible thought! But it's given me an idea. Do you think an anteater might be able to hoover up the airborne verrucas as they transmit themselves wirelessly over the interweb and to our computers? Anyone know of any peer reviewed research into this and its efficacy?


----------



## Jonescat (Feb 5, 2012)

Purely anecdotal but imo they can hoover up anything, and everything. Bombay mix, backs of earrings and earwax all included.


----------



## staffgirl (May 1, 2013)

Jonescat said:


> Purely anecdotal but imo they can hoover up anything, and everything. Bombay mix, backs of earrings and earwax all included.


This is a crisis! Anecdotal will do.


----------



## Jonescat (Feb 5, 2012)

Good plan - but we have no anteaters.


----------



## staffgirl (May 1, 2013)

Jonescat said:


> Good plan - but we have no anteaters.


Good point! Dammit!


----------



## Mulish (Feb 20, 2013)

cinnamontoast said:


> But, but, how will I know if the crisis is over? (And surely hermetically sealing myself in will result in quite swift suffocation and subsequently death?! I think you're trying to assassinate me, Mulish  *Points accusingly*. J'accuse!!)
> 
> Even if I were to have a phone in my hermetically sealed, super safe underground bunker, I fear the verruca would find a way of transmitting itself down the phone line
> 
> This is me boffing the verruca if it finds me:


J'accuse moi? Non! J'accuse vous Cinnamoncroissant! See? I can talk foreign, too.

Oddly enough I'd always imagined LB's verruca as blowing raspberries at her.


cinnamontoast said:


> I have both, but I made the fatal error of purchasing seedless raspberry jam.  There's no excuse, I know, but I was distracted by the wonders of a squeezy Marmite jar  Perhaps I can capture the verruca in a tasty mix of both...?


I question your use of the adjective 'tasty' here.



Firedog said:


> I have a verruca but no anteater.....please don't send one here as I have a very small not much bigger than an ant sized puppy that might get sucked up.


So long as you keep your cat flaps* secured you should be okay.

_*Not a euphemism.**

**Probably._



staffgirl said:


> This is a crisis! Anecdotal will do.


In fact, anecdotal is preferable. Facts and research will just slow the panic down and who wants that? My whole Hermetical Sealage on the Move business idea is pretty much relying on it.

Anyone know if Dragon's Den are recruiting?


----------



## Jonescat (Feb 5, 2012)

cinnamontoast said:


> *Wonders if fennel or sesame seeds are an adequate substitute*


Try the sesame - tahini poultice perhaps?


----------



## Mulish (Feb 20, 2013)

Jonescat said:


> Try the sesame - tahini poultice perhaps?


Waste tahini on a verruca? Hummus-t be kidding


----------



## Jonescat (Feb 5, 2012)

Verruca's not good enough eh? Ooh you'll be in trouble now.

(good pun though :thumbup1


----------



## Azriel391 (Mar 19, 2013)

Loving lurking this thread , god bless Tenna !!


----------



## cinnamontoast (Oct 24, 2010)

Mulish said:


> J'accuse moi? Non! J'accuse vous Cinnamoncroissant! See? I can talk foreign, too.


Oh Mon Dieu! You parlez bien le français, Monsieur! *Twirls Poirot-type moustache and points at murderer* 'Twas you, the one with a mule on her back and a beagle in her pocket!


----------



## Mulish (Feb 20, 2013)

cinnamontoast said:


> Oh Mon Dieu! You parlez bien le français, Monsieur! *Twirls Poirot-type moustache and points at murderer* 'Twas you, the one with a mule on her back and a beagle in her pocket!


That's no beagle, I'm just pleased to see you!

*Tips you a wink and sashays away as much as I'm able with a mule on my back*


----------



## lilythepink (Jul 24, 2013)

Thats no mule on your back though.....looks more like an anteater.


----------



## lilythepink (Jul 24, 2013)

lilythepink said:


> Thats no mule on your back though.....looks more like an anteater.


and I think its looking for the peanut butter......hide, quick.,


----------



## Mulish (Feb 20, 2013)

lilythepink said:


> Thats no mule on your back though.....looks more like an anteater.





lilythepink said:


> and I think its looking for the peanut butter......hide, quick.,


  

No - wait - this is good! We can tell Jonescat and Staffgirl where Mr Snuffles and Fluffy actually went. They didn't elope, they were hiding on my back the whole time!

Now the question is why didn't Sherlock find them? Probably distracted polishing his cheekbones :yesnod:


----------



## cinnamontoast (Oct 24, 2010)

lilythepink said:


> and I think its looking for the peanut butter......hide, quick.,


*Waves raspberry jam frantically*


----------



## Blackcats (Apr 13, 2013)

I honestly don't know what could be worse. A deadly Verucca, an anteater sharing your bed or this....










I'm suspicious that someone here may have this deadly verruca as nobody has yet to happily have their feet inspected. I'll go first shall I.










:devil: :devil:


----------



## Flamingoes (Dec 8, 2012)

Mulish said:


> *And then, like a northern phoenix rising from it's coal fire ashes, we shall see her tap dancing towards us, strumming her ukulele.* Yay we shall all say as we ply her with ale and bourbon biccies in celebration.


No matter how much I love her, if she comes back doing that she can s*d RIGHT back off :001_unsure:



Blackcats said:


> I honestly don't know what could be worse. A deadly Verucca, an anteater sharing your bed or this....
> 
> 
> 
> ...


You can go off people, you know :sneaky2:


----------



## Blackcats (Apr 13, 2013)

Flamingoes said:


> No matter how much I love her, if she comes back doing that she can s*d RIGHT back off :001_unsure:
> 
> You can go off people, you know :sneaky2:


Not going to offer to do me a pedicure then?

My nails need painting too. I'll give ya a peg and a grater for nothing.  :devil:


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## lilythepink (Jul 24, 2013)

the jam and peanut butter obviously did not work.

the anteater was more trouble than it was worth....and it really did smell....

so, we will now have to go into overload mode.....and use bubble gum. Not any old gum, oh no..


you gotta bazzooka that verrucca.


----------



## cinnamontoast (Oct 24, 2010)

Strawberry flavour?


----------



## cinnamontoast (Oct 24, 2010)

cinnamontoast said:


> Terrifying
> 
> 
> 
> ...


[youtube_browser]XcxKIJTb3Hg[/youtube_browser]


----------



## Jonescat (Feb 5, 2012)

Killerbunnies

Anyone up for a game?


----------



## Flamingoes (Dec 8, 2012)

Blackcats said:


> Not going to offer to do me a pedicure then?
> 
> My nails need painting too. I'll give ya a peg and a grater for nothing.  :devil:


Honestly?

I'd rather scoop my eyes out with a tea-spoon and eat them :nonod:


----------



## Blackcats (Apr 13, 2013)

Flamingoes said:


> Honestly?
> 
> I'd rather scoop my eyes out with a tea-spoon and eat them :nonod:


Flam, you've hurt my feelings.


----------



## Flamingoes (Dec 8, 2012)

Blackcats said:


> Flam, you've hurt my feelings.


Them's the breaks I'm afraid  x


----------



## Picklelily (Jan 2, 2013)

Wow I'm impressed it appears that the Pet forum Mods have found a verruca cure 

An unspecified term in isolation.

Does this mean in fact that Verruca's die of loneliness? Or that they are so infectious that I must follow the previous advice and cover my keyboard in Germolene and clingfilm.

I'm concerned and worried

Must I isolate myself to avoid the verruca plague or forever have pink flakey fingers covered in dried Germolene. 

Will I ever be able to shake hands again.


----------



## Blackcats (Apr 13, 2013)

Yes, I am afraid to announce that the Verruca is highly infectious and can lead to all sorts of problems. Even death...

DUN DUN DUN DUNNNN.

Lostbear has gone for now but will not be forgotten. Let's say a little pray for now. 

The isolation period will be over soon for her and she may come back with joy and happiness that the dreaded verruca has completely disappeared. Perhaps some nice tips can be given of how the isolation period cured the deadly verruca or perhaps they will not allow her to tell us such information and we will shall all be locked up forever...

For now, I advice you go by what Cinnamontoast said and take care. I hope to hear from you again and that all is good. It's a dangerous, dangerous thing at the moment. Please stay safe for all of us. 

We have lost many people at the moment. It's a warzone. 

A moment of silence for those we have lost and wishing them a speedy recovery.

And good riddance to those who could not be cured of the verruca so will be in isolation for ever. Mwahahahahhahahaha.


----------



## cinnamontoast (Oct 24, 2010)

However, DO NOT FOLLOW MULISH'S ADVICE. This is very important, or you will suffocate to death, quite frankly :yesnod: 

I find that Sudocreme is effective for most things. I can offer purple spray also, iodine based and at least looks pretty if nothing else. 

I feel that I must report an incident from last night. I felt a funny feeling in my foot. Fearing the worst (a verucca), I braced myself and got out the flashlight to inspect the area. Lo, I beheld not the dread verucca, but a dog (or possibly horse, I'm not about to DNA test it ) hair sticking into my foot. I pulled it, it snapped. I retrieved the tweezers, originally bought to remove ticks from the dogs, and having found it again after much searching, heartache and many adventures, pulled it out at great peril to myself. It was a couple of centimetres long!!  This is not the first time I've found such a thing sticking into me. I fear it is an attempt to poison me, a trap laid by goodness only knows who...*looks round furtively* I shall now protect my feet with the dread rubber sock!


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## Guest (Feb 22, 2014)

Blackcats said:


> Lostbear has gone for now but will not be forgotten. Let's say a little pray for now


----------



## Blackcats (Apr 13, 2013)

jon bda said:


>


OH MY GOD.

There's another messiah about somewhere.  :001_tt2:

Only the powerful, the almighty could do something so wonderful to a cup of coffee.

QUICK MY FOLLOWERS, SPREAD THE NEWS THAT OUR BELOVED JESUS HAS RISEN AGAIN.


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## Blackcats (Apr 13, 2013)

cinnamontoast said:


> However, DO NOT FOLLOW MULISH'S ADVICE. This is very important, or you will suffocate to death, quite frankly :yesnod:
> 
> I find that Sudocreme is effective for most things. I can offer purple spray also, iodine based and at least looks pretty if nothing else.
> 
> I feel that I must report an incident from last night. I felt a funny feeling in my foot. Fearing the worst (a verucca), I braced myself and got out the flashlight to inspect the area. Lo, I beheld not the dread verucca, but a dog (or possibly horse, I'm not about to DNA test it ) hair sticking into my foot. I pulled it, it snapped. I retrieved the tweezers, originally bought to remove ticks from the dogs, and having found it again after much searching, heartache and many adventures, pulled it out at great peril to myself. It was a couple of centimetres long!!  This is not the first time I've found such a thing sticking into me. I fear it is an attempt to poison me, a trap laid by goodness only knows who...*looks round furtively* I shall now protect my feet with the dread rubber sock!


Now sweetie I don't want to scare you, really I don't.

But but...

I believe you have come from a facility where some weird stuff has been going on. You need to be isolated now, away from the public eye for fear I may find myself saying what big teeth you have.

And by feck I don't wanna be eaten.

-Runs for the hills-

Maybe too much weed on my part. :devil:


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## lilythepink (Jul 24, 2013)

Blackcats said:


> OH MY GOD.
> 
> There's another messiah about somewhere.  :001_tt2:
> 
> ...


maybe....but his name is Brian and he isn't the messiah, he is a very naughty boy.


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## Blackcats (Apr 13, 2013)

lilythepink said:


> maybe....but his name is Brian and he isn't the messiah, he is a very naughty boy.


Brian, ey. Who iz dis Brian. I ain't never erd of im before.

Who created dis wonderful art of coffee.

You?

YOU ARE A GOD.


----------



## lilythepink (Jul 24, 2013)

Blackcats said:


> I honestly don't know what could be worse. A deadly Verucca, an anteater sharing your bed or this....
> 
> 
> 
> ...


ah told ya tae stop biting yer nails.......sheeshhhhhhhhhhhhh!


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## Blackcats (Apr 13, 2013)

lilythepink said:


> ah told ya tae stop biting yer nails.......sheeshhhhhhhhhhhhh!


Nothing better than sticking your toe in your mouth and chomping away. Keeps those critters at bay.

Once had a meal wiv a lovely young man. Problem waz iz that I could not help me self az felt de nail and had to do it.

Tid land in a ladies glass it did.

No more spitting me thinks.


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## lilythepink (Jul 24, 2013)

toe nail and tonic??


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## Blackcats (Apr 13, 2013)

lilythepink said:


> toe nail and tonic??


I said that but she didn't agree with me.

Thought I'd make a couple of quid on making such a cool drink up. Sadly, it was not meant to be.


----------



## cinnamontoast (Oct 24, 2010)

Blackcats said:


> Now sweetie I don't want to scare you, really I don't.
> 
> But but...
> 
> ...


I fear I may have the T virus and I will therefore go viral very soon  Are you part of the Umbrella Corporation?!  Is your name Alice?! (If so, I _really_ like your boots!)


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## Blackcats (Apr 13, 2013)

cinnamontoast said:


> I fear I may have the T virus and I will therefore go viral very soon  Are you part of the Umbrella Corporation?!


My name is Alice...


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## cinnamontoast (Oct 24, 2010)

Can I borrow your motorbike? I need to run away from a certain facility where lasers chop you into very small pieces and currently, I can only lurch


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## Blackcats (Apr 13, 2013)

cinnamontoast said:


> Can I borrow your motorbike? I need to run away from a certain facility where lasers chop you into very small pieces and currently, I can only lurch


ACCESS DENIED.

We sense the undead in our mist. No mother.... getting on my bike.

I personally don't want my arm used as a chew toy, ya know.


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## cinnamontoast (Oct 24, 2010)

Come on!  I've been a bad, bad girl, but I promise I won't take a chunk outta you


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## Jonescat (Feb 5, 2012)

lilythepink said:


> the anteater was more trouble than it was worth....and it really did smell....


AH-HA so that was what was with all the bathing!

So Mulish has anteaters on her back? Must be after the ants in her pants I reckon. Well known fact that an anteater can not easily be distracted from its dinner.


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## Mulish (Feb 20, 2013)

I heard my name uttered three time and LO! I appear in the thread. I am not Jesus, nor Brian more like Candyman or Bloody Mary. Bloody Mulish you can call me, and I'm sure many do.

So the verrucas have now mutated into the T virus and are infecting people by firing hairs into their feet (bit like in Critters)? And yet, Cinnamoncroissant is *still* denying my highly effective Mobile Hermetical Sealing service as being the best bet for the human race's survival. It's just this sort of selfish "But I don't wanna suffocate!" thinking that lead to the demise of Raccoon City, y'know!

Don't say I didn't warn you all. Now I'm off to look for faces in my gingerbread latte. I'm hoping LB can continue to communicate via caffeinated beverages during her selfless isolation. We've had a lol, now I'm waiting on an OMG.


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## Jonescat (Feb 5, 2012)

Waiter, Waiter, there is a bear in my tea!


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## Mulish (Feb 20, 2013)

Jonescat said:


> Waiter, Waiter, there is a bear in my tea!


Does she seem lost? Is she flipping a map around and squinting?

Nice pic. Is it a Polar-oid?


----------



## Jonescat (Feb 5, 2012)

Defo squinting but otherwise treating it like a spa. Doing a lot of spinning round looking for the sun, pointing and muttering about not being in Kansas.


----------



## lilythepink (Jul 24, 2013)

Mulish said:


> Does she seem lost? Is she flipping a map around and squinting?
> 
> Nice pic. Is it a Polar-oid?


no, not polar oid at all.....its a fox..cool clear and minty


----------



## lilythepink (Jul 24, 2013)

Jonescat said:


> Waiter, Waiter, there is a bear in my tea!


where is Hanwombat when she is needed?????HAN!!!!!!!!!

your cat got stuck in jonescat cup of tea.........where is Io then?


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## lilythepink (Jul 24, 2013)

Jonescat said:


> Defo squinting but otherwise treating it like a spa. Doing a lot of spinning round looking for the sun, pointing and muttering about not being in Kansas.


are we off along the yellow brick road to see the wizzard and ask him what he can do with the mutating dreaded verucca virus?


----------



## lilythepink (Jul 24, 2013)

maybe....safety in numbers....we should all go in single file and not tread where weaker persons have trod already.


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## Picklelily (Jan 2, 2013)

cinnamontoast said:


> However, DO NOT FOLLOW MULISH'S ADVICE. This is very important, or you will suffocate to death, quite frankly :yesnod:
> 
> I find that Sudocreme is effective for most things. I can offer purple spray also, iodine based and at least looks pretty if nothing else.
> 
> I feel that I must report an incident from last night. I felt a funny feeling in my foot. Fearing the worst (a verucca), I braced myself and got out the flashlight to inspect the area. Lo, I beheld not the dread verucca, but a dog (or possibly horse, I'm not about to DNA test it ) hair sticking into my foot. I pulled it, it snapped. I retrieved the tweezers, originally bought to remove ticks from the dogs, and having found it again after much searching, heartache and many adventures, pulled it out at great peril to myself. It was a couple of centimetres long!!  This is not the first time I've found such a thing sticking into me. I fear it is an attempt to poison me, a trap laid by goodness only knows who...*looks round furtively* I shall now protect my feet with the dread rubber sock!


Since you are whinging about a hair in your foot, are spraying your feet purple you will hence forth be known as the blue footed booby.


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## Mulish (Feb 20, 2013)

Jonescat said:


> Defo squinting but otherwise treating it like a spa. Doing a lot of spinning round looking for the sun, *pointing and muttering about not being in Kansas.*


The band? Tell her to carry on my wayward son, there'll be peace when she is done. She should lay her weary head to rest and don't cry no more. (Don't worry about the double negative, it's official prog rock speak so she'll understand).



lilythepink said:


> no, not polar oid at all.....its a fox..cool clear and minty


I think you need your glaciers on - it's clearly a bear.


----------



## cinnamontoast (Oct 24, 2010)

Actually, I think she's ok in there: 









I am disappointed that hairs growing into my foot are not being taken seriously  It hurt a bit and took me at least five minutes to locate and remove the offending spike. Spike, I tell you! *Mutters discontentedly*

Anyway, I have the T virus and you lot don't, so yah boo sucks!


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## lilythepink (Jul 24, 2013)

not for sale at all by any chance???

name your price.lol


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## cinnamontoast (Oct 24, 2010)

What, my T virus? No, it's exclusive to me. *Lurches off*


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## slartibartfast (Dec 28, 2013)

If not T-virus, maybe some 2-4-5 trioxin?
"Brains! Brains! Fresh brains!..."


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## cinnamontoast (Oct 24, 2010)

Oddly, I am no longer lurching.  I fear I may have confused a minor injury  with the T virus. I'm glad to say that I can therefore borrow Blackcat's bike!! Yay!


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## Jonescat (Feb 5, 2012)

lilythepink said:


> are we off along the yellow brick road to see the wizzard and ask him what he can do with the mutating dreaded verucca virus?


Now that would be a bear of a different colour.....


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## Jonescat (Feb 5, 2012)

lilythepink said:


> maybe....safety in numbers....we should all go in single file and not tread where weaker persons have trod already.


Safe to say that none of us are very good at walking a straight line I think


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## lilythepink (Jul 24, 2013)

we all walk the line.

It will soon be time for the cherry blossom to show its head....so pretty, yet so deadly and no way of escaping it.

The anteaters use the cherry blossom to hide in, the rich fluffy flowers make perfect camouflage.


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## Picklelily (Jan 2, 2013)

cinnamontoast said:


> What, my T virus? No, it's exclusive to me. *Lurches off*


I'm sure you have spaniels and not lurchers "confused.com"

You have the T virus your cup must full, do we need to send you some healthy PG tips on life.


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## cheekyscrip (Feb 8, 2010)

I have one ear more than the other...
one is 35.9 other 36.9 C..


what happens between my ears?


(both are clean I asure you!)


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## staffgirl (May 1, 2013)

cheekyscrip said:


> I have one ear more than the other...
> one is 35.9 other 36.9 C..
> 
> what happens between my ears?
> ...


You are clearly dominant on one side of your brain. When in use it heats the ears up. My ears are always cold. Make of that what you will.


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## Mulish (Feb 20, 2013)

cinnamontoast said:


> Oddly, I am no longer lurching.  I fear I may have confused a minor injury  with the T virus. I'm glad to say that I can therefore borrow Blackcat's bike!! Yay!


It's easily done. I once spent a whole day convinced I'd been bitten by a radioactive spider. Turned out it was just the cotton from the hem of my blouse dropping down, not a sudden ability to shoot webs at all


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## Blackcats (Apr 13, 2013)

cheekyscrip said:


> I have one ear more than the other...
> one is 35.9 other 36.9 C..
> 
> what happens between my ears?
> ...


WELL.....

You clearly have lost all your senses because I don't believe a word of it.

I want to know why, if your ears are so clean, that anteater is taking great pleasure in licking behind them.

It clearly shows that your mother never taught you to wash behind your ears. You naughty girl.

It also tells me you are not watching out for these anteaters and clearly do not mind their sharp little teeth. Yes, haven't you heard.

THEY REALLY LIKE MEAT NOW. Long pig to be precise.

So I'd be careful with that anteater. Licking is one thing...

The rest....


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## cinnamontoast (Oct 24, 2010)

Mulish said:


> It's easily done. I once spent a whole day convinced I'd been bitten by a radioactive spider. Turned out it was just the cotton from the hem of my blouse dropping down, not a sudden ability to shoot webs at all


You must have been _very_ disappointed  I can offer pretend webs from the fancy dress shop and some quite realistic oversized plastic spiders with dangly bits. Want them?


----------



## slartibartfast (Dec 28, 2013)

cinnamontoast said:


> You must have been _very_ disappointed  I can offer pretend webs from the fancy dress shop and some quite realistic oversized plastic spiders with dangly bits. Want them?


Do you have some rubber chickens? Zombie chickens?


----------



## Picklelily (Jan 2, 2013)

slartibartfast said:


> Do you have some rubber chickens? Zombie chickens?


I think this thread is getting kinky :biggrin5:


----------



## Blackcats (Apr 13, 2013)

Picklelily said:


> I think this thread is getting kinky :biggrin5:


Nope, you just have a dirty mind. :biggrin5:


----------



## Blackcats (Apr 13, 2013)

cinnamontoast said:


> Oddly, I am no longer lurching.  I fear I may have confused a minor injury  with the T virus. I'm glad to say that I can therefore borrow Blackcat's bike!! Yay!


Hmmm, I don't know.

Possible infection of T Virus, weird hair on your foot...

What next?

Can I trust you.


----------



## cinnamontoast (Oct 24, 2010)

slartibartfast said:


> Do you have some rubber chickens? Zombie chickens?


I can check in the back for you. Flat ones or realistic ohmygodsomeoneslaughteredanactualchickendontshowthechildrenorviaanactualwindowdisplay one, mate?



Blackcats said:


> Hmmm, I don't know.
> 
> Possible infection of T Virus, weird hair on your foot...
> 
> ...


Yesh, of coursh you can. I only have a slight lisp remaining from my former lurching days. *Offended*


----------



## slartibartfast (Dec 28, 2013)

cinnamontoast said:


> I can check in the back for you. Flat ones or realistic ohmygodsomeoneslaughteredanactualchickendontshowthechildrenorviaanactualwindowdisplay one, mate?
> 
> Yesh, of coursh you can. I only have a slight lisp remaining from my former lurching days. *Offended*


Ohmygodsomeoneslaughteredanactualchickendontshowthechildrenorviaanactualwindowdisplay one! Or that green one from "Poultrygeist:Night Of The Chicken Dead" (my favourite movie). Or a Drakur : Bloodthirsty Killer Mutant Transylvanian Chicken (from planet Transylvania)...


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## lilythepink (Jul 24, 2013)

cinnamontoast said:


> You must have been _very_ disappointed  I can offer pretend webs from the fancy dress shop and some quite realistic oversized plastic spiders with dangly bits. Want them?


oh me me me me....yes please......I want them


----------



## Jonescat (Feb 5, 2012)

slartibartfast said:


> Ohmygodsomeoneslaughteredanactualchickendontshowthechildrenorviaanactualwindowdisplay one! Or that green one from "Poultrygeist:Night Of The Chicken Dead" (my favourite movie). Or a Drakur : Bloodthirsty Killer Mutant Transylvanian Chicken (from planet Transylvania)...


OK scared now. As everyone knows the only recourse to such things is raisins filled with sleeping powders. I am sewing them together as I type.


----------



## cinnamontoast (Oct 24, 2010)

lilythepink said:


> oh me me me me....yes please......I want them


Weirdo! 



Jonescat said:


> OK scared now. As everyone knows the only recourse to such things is raisins filled with sleeping powders. I am sewing them together as I type.


No, no, no! As everyone knows, you carefully split open raisins (pre-soaking helps) then put in sleeping powder then just squeeze back together. Thought we were on about chickens, not pheasants?


----------



## slartibartfast (Dec 28, 2013)

Drakurs don't eat raisins, they eat werewolves. And for zombie chickens you have to use alcohol.


----------



## Mulish (Feb 20, 2013)

cinnamontoast said:


> You must have been _very_ disappointed  I can offer pretend webs from the fancy dress shop and some quite realistic oversized plastic spiders with dangly bits. Want them?


That's terribly kind of you but I already have real spider's webs gracing the corners of all of my rooms due to my tragic and life threatening allergies to cleaning.


Picklelily said:


> I think this thread is getting kinky :biggrin5:


If you think the kinkiness is new, you clearly weren't paying enough attention earlier :ihih:


----------



## cinnamontoast (Oct 24, 2010)

Mulish said:


> That's terribly kind of you but I already have real spider's webs gracing the corners of all of my rooms due to my tragic and life threatening allergies to cleaning.


Alright, Miss Haversham, stop making everyone else jealous!


----------



## Jonescat (Feb 5, 2012)

You mean I have sewed 400 raisins shut for the wrong bird? :incazzato:


----------



## lilythepink (Jul 24, 2013)

"Call me captain Ahab.................."

I know the secrets of the deep, I know where the anteater spends his days.....

and poetry is the music that calms the savage beast

and if that fails, we have to chuck it a couple of humans.


----------



## slartibartfast (Dec 28, 2013)

lilythepink said:


> and poetry is the music that calms the savage beast


Try some Vogon poetry, beast will run screaming.


----------



## cinnamontoast (Oct 24, 2010)

Jonescat said:


> You mean I have sewed 400 raisins shut for the wrong bird? :incazzato:


I'm afraid so, my dear *Twirls moustache* However, you shall have pheasant aplenty. Just don't hang them in sight of some people from towns or there'll be an outcry 



lilythepink said:


> "Call me captain Ahab.................."
> 
> I know the secrets of the deep, I know where the anteater spends his days.....
> 
> ...


I can think of a couple of people we could volunteer.


----------



## slartibartfast (Dec 28, 2013)

cinnamontoast said:


> I can think of a couple of people we could volunteer.


I would volunteer my neighbors, but I'm too concerned about mental and physical health of the beast...


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

I am BACK hahahahahahaha

Thank you EVERYONE who has contributed to this thread - knowing that you have kept the verucca flying has kept me going through the long, lonely months (what? - a week? Surely it was longer than a week?)

I haven't had a chance to read them all, but have read enough to know that the Force is strong within you all, and trained you well I have (read that bit in a Yoda voice, otherwise it loses it's effectiveness).

It is such a comfort to know that if I am ever - er -_ encouraged to take a very long holiday_, I have left a legacy that will never be forgotten.

I am now going to have a little snoop about, open an "I'm back" thread, and then will come back and read this stuff properly - it looks FABULOUS!


----------



## Cheryl89 (Jun 24, 2013)

lostbear said:


> I am BACK hahahahahahaha
> 
> Thank you EVERYONE who has contributed to this thread - knowing that you have kept the verucca flying has kept me going through the long, lonely months (what? - a week? Surely it was longer than a week?)
> 
> ...


Welcome back honey; was a nice holiday we had ay lol xxx :crazy:


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Cheryl89 said:


> Welcome back honey; was a nice holiday we had ay lol xxx :crazy:


Certainly was - but now we have work to do!:wink::ihih::laugh:


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Blackcats said:


> WELL.....
> 
> You clearly have lost all your senses because I don't believe a word of it.
> 
> ...


Mmmmm - long pig - the other white meat . . .


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Jonescat said:


> Defo squinting but otherwise treating it like a spa. Doing a lot of spinning round looking for the sun, pointing and *muttering about not being in Kansas.*


Aunt Em - is that you?


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Blackcats said:


> OH MY GOD.
> 
> There's another messiah about somewhere.  :001_tt2:
> 
> ...


That's not Jesus - it's just a very naughty espresso.


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Have read nearly all of this now - am peeing myself laughing here. You lot are BRILLIANT! :thumbup:


----------



## Mulish (Feb 20, 2013)

lostbear said:


> Have read nearly all of this now - am peeing myself laughing here. You lot are BRILLIANT! :thumbup:


Aim it at your foot. That should ensure no more verrucas take up residence.


----------



## slartibartfast (Dec 28, 2013)

Zombie Verruca Self Defence Force:
"We will kill'em all! With fly killing device..."


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

slartibartfast said:


> View attachment 134294
> 
> Zombie Verruca Self Defence Force:
> "We will kill'em all! With fly killing device..."


Is there - is there an anteater in there . . . .?


----------



## Sleeping_Lion (Mar 19, 2009)

Mulish said:


> Aim it at your foot. That should ensure no more verrucas take up residence.


Wouldn't work, LB wears tena ladies and rubber knickers. Sometimes that's all she wears according to her neighbours


----------



## slartibartfast (Dec 28, 2013)

lostbear said:


> Is there - is there an anteater in there . . . .?


No anteaters, just a tiger in gas mask...


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

Sleeping_Lion said:


> Wouldn't work, LB wears tena ladies and rubber knickers. Sometimes that's all she wears according to her neighbours


Think of it as a bold fashion statement. That's what I said to the magistrate.


----------



## lostbear (May 29, 2013)

slartibartfast said:


> No anteaters, just a tiger in gas mask...


That's all right, then.

It's not peeing beetroot juice, I hope?


----------



## slartibartfast (Dec 28, 2013)

lostbear said:


> That's all right, then.
> 
> It's not peeing beetroot juice, I hope?


Only after beetroot moonshine...


----------

