# Kitten not bonded - very upsetting!



## fxyzxxyz (Aug 24, 2012)

I'm new to this forum but have been browsing regularly.. I hope I can find some kind of help because I'm at the end of it!

A bit of history - I took in a kitten 6 weeks ago he was a little under 4 months from my friend who didn't want him any more. I fell in love with him the day I saw him - he was a beautiful affectionate lap cat who wanted nothing more than to snuggle onto my and my friend's lap and get a massage! I took him in the same day

... He came here and was nothing like he was there. In the 6 weeks I've had him he's only come to my lap voluntarily twice. He was at my friends for only 3 weeks! He's very unaffectionate and is always yowling and meowing to get out of the house and bites or moves away when majority of the time when we massage him! At hers, he was an indoor only cat and in fact he was confined to my friends room only which wasn't very big and he seemed to be doing very well! Here, he has a 2 storey house and he isn't contented! I've let him out a few times (bad mistake) and whilst he is usually good he has tried to 'befriend' the neighbourhood strays who wants nothing more than to get him out of their territory! What happened to the kitten I fell in love with?! 

Have I done something wrong? What could it possibly be? He eats regularly and gets plenty of love and attention - yes I understand he could have more stimulation in terms of toys and games and I've ordered a large scratching post from eBay which should be here soon.We play with him whenever we can ( we're a family of 7) but he just looks at me with these empty sad eyes like he hates me and wishes I would disappear! Its horribly upsetting that I feel he doesn't like me ---- :nonod:

This is such a long post I'm so glad if you've read it all! I really would appreciate some guidance so much! He's my first cat and tbh I feel like crap at the moment :crying:

Fxyzfxyz x


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## Alaskacat (Aug 2, 2010)

Hiya, I take it he is about a 5.5 month old unneutered boy now then? If that is the case he will compare very well with a 19 yr old male human. He is on the verge of becoming a man cat - especially if let out unneutered! 

for the first few weeks he would be unsettled, now I expect he is more interested in making girl cat aquaintances. I would ask your vet if he will neuter him now and keep him indoors. Feliway can help them settle, but I've never found it effective to be honest.

Oh and that look he gives you is normal cat disdain, they all do that from time to time. 

I hope that helps for starters, but others will give you other ideas i am sure,


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## Alaskacat (Aug 2, 2010)

Oh and welcome to the forum


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## Cloudygirl (Jan 9, 2011)

Is he neutered?


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## fxyzxxyz (Aug 24, 2012)

Alaskacat said:


> Hiya, I take it he is about a 5.5 month old unneutered boy now then? If that is the case he will compare very well with a 19 yr old male human. He is on the verge of becoming a man cat - especially if let out unneutered!
> 
> for the first few weeks he would be unsettled, now I expect he is more interested in making girl cat aquaintances. I would ask your vet if he will neuter him now and keep him indoors. Feliway can help them settle, but I've never found it effective to be honest.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your reply!  Yes he is 5.5 months and he was neutered a few days ago! 2 days ago in fact - he's still at the stage where his wounds are sore poor baby.. And yeah I've heard about Feliway but I was never too keen on trying something like that out I'd rather get to the root of the problem which is probably something regarding me 

Cat disdain? So I am reading it right - that he isn't too pleased to be in my company?


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## fxyzxxyz (Aug 24, 2012)

Cloudygirl said:


> Is he neutered?


Yes just 2 days ago


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## nightkitten (Jun 15, 2012)

I guess he is unsettled and stressed.

You explained that he (has he got a name?) was an indoor cat at your friends house and kept in her room only. So this cat is used to small rooms and quiet surroundings.

Now he has a 2 storey house and a family of 7. This is a big change for him.

I have no idea why he hasn't settled in within 6 weeks and I'm afraid I can't give any advice on how to tackle it.

But I guess someone will come along who will know what to do.


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## Cloudygirl (Jan 9, 2011)

wait to see if he calms down a bit after neutering. They tend to be a bit more affectionate and less hormonal teenager when they have been done. Also keep him in for a bit longer at least until all his wounds have healed. I would consider longer though he's still only a baby really. 


You haven't done anything wrong. My one cat took 6ish months to properly settle down with me. My other one has only been really fussy since February of this year. I had them at the start of January 2011!! Mine barely came out of hiding for the first month. So it's taken me over a year to properly win him over.


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## MaineCooner (Jun 26, 2011)

Give him some time to get those tom cat hormones out of his system post-neutering and you might find he settles down very nicely.


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## fxyzxxyz (Aug 24, 2012)

nightkitten said:


> I guess he is unsettled and stressed.
> 
> You explained that he (has he got a name?) was an indoor cat at your friends house and kept in her room only. So this cat is used to small rooms and quiet surroundings.
> 
> ...


His name is Pillow  silly name I know my 5 year old sister named him since she was admant we never get him in the first place! Had to listen to her to make her agree haha

I'm not too sure how he lived previously - Including my house he's lived in 4 different houses in a very short period of time which I understand must not be nice for him. He was an angel and a half in his previous house though! My friend did complain he went through a period of depression for about 4 days where he just slept, looked out the window and didn't interact and respond and gave her painfully sad looks


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## fxyzxxyz (Aug 24, 2012)

Cloudygirl said:


> wait to see if he calms down a bit after neutering.
> 
> He might have a personality change.
> 
> You haven't done anything wrong. My one cat took 6ish months to properly settle down with me. My other one has only been really fussy since February of this year. I had them at the start of January 2011!! Mine barely came out of hiding for the first month. So it's taken me over a year to properly win him over.


Wow! Thats a very long time - what did you do during that time to bond with them?


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## Alaskacat (Aug 2, 2010)

> Cat disdain? So I am reading it right - that he isn't too pleased to be in my company?


No not at all!! I'm sure it is nothing at all to do with you. Cats give you that look if it is raining, if dinner is the wrong flavour and if they don't like the TV channel, it is easy to take it personnally but I'm really sure it is not about you.

As above, he has gone from a little space to a lot of space and probably hustle and bustle. In just one room he came to your friend for companionship and stimulation. In your house he has a lot of stimulation and in such a short time he has probably not got a routine settled. Also he has been introduced to the outside so his territory has grown again and probably seems very unsafe right now.

It's great he has been neutered and when the "king of the world" hormones calm down he will be a lot more like the cat you met I'm sure. You can help him also by not allowing him out - at least for a bit. so he can feel secure in your house. I would ensure he has a safe place to go to escape from cuddles and play - a place where no-one is allowed to touch him until he comes out of it, so he is interacting on his terms.

Please don't take it personnally, cats always make you feel it is your fault - that's why we call ourselves slaves. He chose you at your friends house so it bodes very well I think.


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## fxyzxxyz (Aug 24, 2012)

Alaskacat said:


> No not at all!! I'm sure it is nothing at all to do with you. Cats give you that look if it is raining, if dinner is the wrong flavour and if they don't like the TV channel, it is easy to take it personnally but I'm really sure it is not about you.
> 
> As above, he has gone from a little space to a lot of space and probably hustle and bustle. In just one room he came to your friend for companionship and stimulation. In your house he has a lot of stimulation and in such a short time he has probably not got a routine settled. Also he has been introduced to the outside so his territory has grown again and probably seems very unsafe right now.
> 
> ...


Do you think he's scared? Coz he loves resting in different places all the time - he likes running up and down the stairs, climbing curtains, going into the loft then sleeping on the living room sofa at night then transferring himself to my stomach in my bedroom, then on top of my brothers laptop! He's suddenly taken to enjoying lunch at the top of my bookshelf no clue why.. He seems like he enjoys the new hustle bustle!

And I will definitely be keeping him in now!


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## Cloudygirl (Jan 9, 2011)

fxyzxxyz said:


> Wow! Thats a very long time - what did you do during that time to bond with them?


first few weeks mine were incredibly shy. So they would hide constantly - to start with they were just in one room upstairs. I would spend time with them at night just sat near them - so I'd sit where they were and read.

Then after a couple of weeks I moved them downstairs into a couple of rooms so they'd see much more of me. They were still v shy though. I started coaxing them out with toys. They are both really playful and can't resist a ball and anything on a string.

If you want to be your cats best friend mines favourite toys are

Great deals on cat toys at zooplus: Cat Dangler Pole Bird with Genuine Feathers
Trixie Leather Waggler Cat Toy at zooplus
Cat Dangler Pole Feather Boa: Great Deals on Cat Toys at zooplus - I also had one a bit like this but stronger and it was from poundland and that was their absolute favourite but they've killed it now.

use things where you have to play with them so they associate the fun with you

Bobbins got used to me within 6 months and would come for cuddles but Boo was tolerating me but that's about it. He was fine and much better than he had been but I didn't think he would ever be really really affectionate until I had one night when I was really not feeling very well and I couldn't get up I was stuck on the floor because I had total jelly legs and he came and lay down next to me - and has been a big softie ever since. He comes for a cuddle every morning now and most nights. But I don't recommend getting ill to get your cat to like you  

I was just using it as an example because you've had him no time at all really. He's prob just not adjusted to living with you yet.


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## fxyzxxyz (Aug 24, 2012)

Cloudygirl said:


> first few weeks mine were incredibly shy. So they would hide constantly - to start with they were just in one room upstairs. I would spend time with them at night just sat near them - so I'd sit where they were and read.
> 
> Then after a couple of weeks I moved them downstairs into a couple of rooms so they'd see much more of me. They were still v shy though. I started coaxing them out with toys. They are both really playful and can't resist a ball and anything on a string.
> 
> ...


Ooh they seem like fans of the feathers! Had a quick look at some other toys and I love the interactive feeding toys! Especially the rolling ball! Must wait for student grant! 

What do you think of this? Pillow looks like he loves climbing and running about his few trips outside demonstrated this - 5ft 8in Cat Kitten Scratching Post Tree Sisal Climbing Excercise Activity Centre | eBay - Once again, waiting for student grant money!! Haha


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## Guest (Aug 24, 2012)

It may be that your big family is overwhelming. Have you a room of your own, or do you share? Have you tried getting into bed, getting him under the blankets, where it is nice and warm, and giving him gentle massage, and keep him there, for at least an hour, just warm and gentls, dark and safe. Don't force, so he scratches! Just lovely and calm. Also, see if you can find a cat food in the fresh meat section, made from fresh kangaroo, as most cats really love it. Then just hand feed it, a bit at a time, as a bonding thing. A family of 7 is probably a great shock.


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## fxyzxxyz (Aug 24, 2012)

househens said:


> It may be that your big family is overwhelming. Have you a room of your own, or do you share? Have you tried getting into bed, getting him under the blankets, where it is nice and warm, and giving him gentle massage, and keep him there, for at least an hour, just warm and gentls, dark and safe. Don't force, so he scratches! Just lovely and calm. Also, see if you can find a cat food in the fresh meat section, made from fresh kangaroo, as most cats really love it. Then just hand feed it, a bit at a time, as a bonding thing. A family of 7 is probably a great shock.


I've never really considered the big family a problem I don't know why.. He hasn't ever seemed to be distressed by it but then he hasn't meowed that to me 

I do have my own room and I have tried keeping him with me - this results only in him slumping down flat next to the door like he's the most pissed off soul ever and goes sleep - if I open the door even an inch he runs out! Hahaha


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## fxyzxxyz (Aug 24, 2012)

Thanks for all your responses guys it is so appreciated and I am taking it all in!


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## Cloudygirl (Jan 9, 2011)

I have one of these

Great Deals on Cat Trees at Zooplus: Cat Tree Olga

which i tie a toy on top of. Need to get a new toy incidentally at the weekend because they've just destroyed the toy 

one of these
Medium Cat Trees

mine absolutely adore that. Boo loves sleeping on the top in the sun and Bobs loves jumping in the top and coming out the den at the bottom for hours on end

got mine from this ebay seller and it was very good value
Cats | eBay - was sold as seconds but was like new

Dionysos Cat Tree: bargain prices at zooplus
one of these but the hammock lasted about a month then it took them months to send me a replacement hammock and that broke within 2 weeks so I've taken it off

I also have a different variation of this in pretty much every room
Jungle Scratching Pad - Love Pets

if you haven't guessed mine like to scratch!!


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## Treaclesmum (Sep 26, 2011)

Some cats do bond better than others - if something is bothering them (i.e. illness or discomfort, for example) then they may not realise it's not your fault!! Maybe there is some smell in your house that he doesn't like, that makes him uncomfortable as it reminds him of other cats?? Was there a previous cat in the house? It may be some other smell which is causing him anxiety and making him want to get out of the house.


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## chillminx (Nov 22, 2010)

He is only 5.5 months old and has had 4 different homes in that time!! Poor little mite, he has had a bad start in life and doesn't know where his home is or who he can trust! I sincerely hope and pray you plan to keep him and give him a *forever* home.

I know his bad start in life is not your fault, but it makes me so mad when irresponsible people treat a kitten like a plaything, not a sentient being, and just pass him on like a parcel when they are bored with him:mad2:

It may need a lot of work on your part to compensate for the damage that has been done to this little fellow's trust in humans. I very much hope you are up for the challenge?  

He will need you to be very patient with him and allow him to do things at his own pace, so he can rebuild his trust in people. Let him come to you for strokes when he wants them. Eventually he may sit on your lap when he feels more secure. Do not push him to do things. It may take a year before he feels settled. 

The secret to forming a good bond with him is lots of interactive playtime, with rod and wand type toys and little balls to chase. When he comes to you for attention, respond immediately, never ignore his approaches at this stage, or he will give up trying.

In a big household like yours he also needs a safe place to go when he chooses, where he can be quiet and snooze without any disturbance.


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## ameliajane (Mar 26, 2011)

As others have said - give him more time. Cats can be very sensitive and he's been through an awful lot.

My cat came from rescue and although he was quite laid-back it took over a year before i really felt he was begining to trust and bond with me. He was quite aloof to start with.

I did all the kinds of things Chillminx has suggested - there's some really excellent advice there.

Several years later and he's the friendliest, most people orientated cat imaginable, following me everywhere and constantly demanding attention and cuddles. He has become my best friend.

Hopefully your cat has a home for life now and you've both got plenty of time to get to know each other


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## DENISE R (Apr 16, 2012)

Hi, i sometimes feel a lot like you. My female kitten/cat Ruby is also quite unaffectionate. She doesnt come for a love or a fuss, often attacks me when i try to love her, doesnt like to be picked up and cuddled though she has little choice with my other half. we had her at Christmas when she was around 6 weeks old and obviously then she was very cuddly and for the first few months she would come and sit by or on me at night. Maybe when it gets colder at night she will start to cuddle up again LOL


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## Fluffymum (Apr 7, 2012)

I would just forget about it all for a while, just get on with your day and pretty much ignore him and give love if he comes to you, cats are different anyway and actually prefer lack of eye contact and attention when it's their terms, with this little
Man it probably applies even more so as he is still settling in plus had a big operation only a couple of days ago!! That a lot to take in.
Buy some catnip, try the feliway and provide lots of high up places but mostly let him get on with it and settle, let him be p***ed off for a while, cat do hold grudges for a time and it's a funny thing, he's probably annoyed that he was shifted to a new place and then had his bits taken out, don't take it personally and let him have his space, don't go to him
And let him come to you.

Funny creatures with such a stubborn nature it's a brilliant mix  stick
With it he'll be back to normal in no time x


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