# independent cat :( --- warning: Loooong story



## doclubz (Mar 7, 2012)

Hi all,
I'm a newbie here (thanx for all the welcome messages), I'd typed a loooong story the day I joined to explain my prob, but for some reason they said I couldn't post yet :rolleyes5: The gist of it was :

My husband and I decided to get a cat few months back. Both of us are dog people but we live in an apartment and we can't keep a dog inside  I have had a Persian before so I knew how to take care of a cat. My husband wanted a Bengal  I somehow managed to convince him it won't suit with our lifestyle and maybe a baby by next year  We decided we needed a cat with very good temperament and calm. *Most importantly, we wanted a cuddly companion*. He didn't want anything long haired so Persian was out  Then I saw an ad online.....this lady was giving away her Exotic Shorthair and I jumped.... We got him the same day  I had read up a lot during the searching period and knew the Exotics were exactly like the Persians, except with shorter coat. BUT.....

Our Charlie is anything but cuddly :rolleyes5 he doesn't even like being stroked :crying: He sleeps with us (my pillow, to be precise), but comes only after both of us have fallen asleep.... we tried bribing him to come to no avail. If I happen to wake up very early when he is still sleepy, I rub him on his head n neck n he purrs and loves it..... its like he is 2 different cats  He even hates being brushed, scratches us if we try to be affectionate :S But he follows me around everywhere.... comes and sits near me if I'm doing some work and is adorable like that. He even lets me clean his eyes without scratching (98% of the time )

I tend to leave him alone and have resigned to the fact that he is going to be like that, but my poor husband can't get it in his head.....he pulls Charlie close, hugs him, kisses his cheeks, says I love you and whatnot only to be scratched and bitten.... he has marks all over and I feel terrible for him......We keep his nails trimmed, but that will just mean it won't hurt us if he scratches. I want him to stop this.

He is just over 7months. Could it be that this breed takes more time to come into adulthood like the BSH? Would he be less manic with time? Also, I have read about Feliway diffuser a lot. Does it really help? Do you think it could help a little? Please help me, I'm going mad spending hours reading cat stuff online... I just want him to be a little calmer.

PS- Plz do not think that if he didn't change we would give him up.... we never could as we both love him to bits.....  Just hoping he would love us back.... I am attaching a pic I took on the morning of his 2nd day with us, as you can see, he loves my pillow. And the ginger smudges have almost disappeared now with 3-4 wipes everyday 

PS 2: I sometimes get a feeling he looks more like a BSH than a ESH. But his eyes have the watering problem my Persian had and I don't think BSH have that problem. His vet card says exotic too....But could you guys plz take a good look and tell me what you think. 
Another thing is, we don't really fancy the name Charlie for him..... we wanted something non- human and cute.... My Persian was Simba. Do you think we could change the name now? (He doesn't answer to Charlie).

Sorry, too many questions, but I co-owned Simba with my room mate at med-school who already had 2 Persians back home and knew what she was doing .... and Simba never gave us trouble, so I am quite useless when it comes to cat troubles


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## rose (Apr 29, 2009)

Dont know why you havent had any replies and I wont be much help!
Has he been neutered? If not that needs to be done and may help. It sounds like he wasnt socialised properly, you will need to take this very slowly to get him to trust you, let hime approach you instead of rushing him. Why was he let go by his owner, did she say he was a bit difficult? He does look like a BSH, cute.


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## PetloverJo (Nov 4, 2011)

Sorry I don't know the answer to your question, did the cat come with pedigree papers? Why was lady rehoming? Is he neutered? Maybe he'l just take time to come round, not all cats are lap cats, even raggies that are supposed to be lap cats aren't all lap cats. But I googled exotics I see they are a cross between persians and BSH and looking at some of the pics not all have sunken noses.


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## oggers86 (Nov 14, 2011)

Some cats are more cuddly than others. My 2 at the minute are very affectionate but they rarely sit on you, usually sitting with you when they arent galivanting around the neighbourhood  They dont sleep with us although Elsa on a few occassions has done. They tolerate being cuddled but thats probably because they know if they are patient they get put down quicker and can carry on doing what they were doing.

Growing up my cat I had used to sleep with me and was a kind of lap cat but not all the time. She still acts the same way but when I moved she went to sleep with my parents (she will not sleep alone) 

The other cat they have turned up as a nervous, bedraggled stray but he is the cuddliest cat I have ever known. You can hold him in whatever position you want and 9/10 he will just happily be held. You can take him to bed and cuddle him like a teddy bear and carry him like a baby. The downside is he has long hair and likes to sleep outside so he smells a bit sometimes. 

I have lived with 5 other cats in the past and they were all pretty much independent, the only one who wanted attention mostly was the cat I disliked as he smelled and dribbled all the time. 

I know how you feel, I really want a cuddly cat again and I miss cuddles but unless you adopt a cat who is already known for its cuddly temperement it is pretty much hit and miss.


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## welshjet (Mar 31, 2011)

Yep, we got one total lap cat in jet but lilly is miss indepwndant, only wants affection on her terms and its normally first thing in the morning for about 10 minutes and then thats it, so we just let her get on with it, lilly is coming upto 2 shortly, no fancy breeding but just a moggie albeit a cute one. 

With your husband, hes getting into his personal space and probably thats why he scratches, even out lap cat cannot tolerate us being up close to his face.


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## doclubz (Mar 7, 2012)

Thank you for your replies  
To Petlover and Rose: Yes he has been neutered. The lady didn't have pedigree papers, even though she told me she got him from a breeder (I found it strange too, but didn't care  ) She said she was rehoming 'coz she lived on a busy road and Charlie was always wanting to go out. She was very specific about us having safe garden area for him. She asked us not to let him out the 1st month, but once he is used to us, he may go out. Charlie has not shown any inclination to go out so far  

When I tried to hold him, he clutched on to her cardigan and wouldn't let go....She told us he has very sharp nails, and I casually remarked that we could get them clipped. And she gave me such a I WISH I HAD KNOWN THAT EARLIER kind of look..... 

I am beginning to get convinced that he is a BSH and ExoticSH cross.... But I don't mind...I just wanted a cat.....

BTW, I am allergic to cats LOL..... I gave my 1st Persian a bath every 2 weeks, so I was alright. We gave Charlie a bath when he came, I took anti - histamines the 1st few days and Voila!! no more allergies


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## doclubz (Mar 7, 2012)

welshjet said:


> Yep, we got one total lap cat in jet but lilly is miss indepwndant, only wants affection on her terms and its normally first thing in the morning for about 10 minutes and then thats it, so we just let her get on with it, lilly is coming upto 2 shortly, no fancy breeding but just a moggie albeit a cute one.
> *
> With your husband, hes getting into his personal space and probably thats why he scratches, even out lap cat cannot tolerate us being up close to his face.*


OKAAYYY!!! never thought about that.... I will have to have a chat with him about this... Poor guy  hehe

We were considering getting another cat from a rescue, a little older whose nature we could tell and who could be Charlie's playmate.... but I am worried that Charlie won't like it and might make the poor cat's life miserable.
Good for you that you have atleast one cuddly cat in Jet


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## doclubz (Mar 7, 2012)

oggers86 said:


> Some cats are more cuddly than others. My 2 at the minute are very affectionate but they rarely sit on you, usually sitting with you when they arent galivanting around the neighbourhood  They dont sleep with us although Elsa on a few occassions has done. They tolerate being cuddled but thats probably because they know if they are patient they get put down quicker and can carry on doing what they were doing.
> 
> Growing up my cat I had used to sleep with me and was a kind of lap cat but not all the time. She still acts the same way but when I moved she went to sleep with my parents (she will not sleep alone)
> 
> ...


Thanks for sharing your experience.... I guess I just have to get used to the fact that Charlie will never like cuddles....  You are so right about the hit n miss part.....


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## welshjet (Mar 31, 2011)

doclubz said:


> OKAAYYY!!! never thought about that.... I will have to have a chat with him about this... Poor guy  hehe
> 
> We were considering getting another cat from a rescue, a little older whose nature we could tell and who could be Charlie's playmate.... but I am worried that Charlie won't like it and might make the poor cat's life miserable.
> Good for you that you have atleast one cuddly cat in Jet


Your hubby will get used to it  jet loves to sleep in the crook of OH arm with his paws either side of his arm! Just let Charlie do things at his own pace, the only time we get really face to face contact with jet is when he sneezes in our ear to wale us up

As regards to another cat, the only thing id say is in our case, jet was well settled before we had lilly, and intros were done really slowly.

Ive heard feliaway is supposed to be pretty good but ive never had cause to use it - luckily enough but i know others have.

We had our two from local cp, they were called "trifle and astrid" hence the name change, it took a good while for them to know their names.

Charlie looks lovely by the way x


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## carly87 (Feb 11, 2011)

Ok, a couple of things. How long have you had him? Every cat will be a bit unsettled by a home move, some more than others, so this could be part of the problem.

Your husband is not helping matters by grabbing him and kissing him. Sounds like Charlie is frightened, and the best thing to do with a frightened cat is to let him come to you on his own terms. Be in the same room as him, yes, talk to him, yes, touch him but only if he comes near. Don't pick him up just yet, and don't do anything he's not happy with unless it's something necessary such as eye bathing.

I don't know that I'd be letting an exotic outside myself. If this lady got him from a breeder, could she tell you which one? It would be good to let the breeder know that you have her boy.

As for changing his name, I don't really see any problem with it particularly as he doesn't answer to it anyway.

Sorry this is short, but I only have a few minutes as I'm at work. If you want more specific advice, then please feel free to PM me or ask here. I'm always happy to give people a ring and talk things through if you think that would help too.


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## Treaclesmum (Sep 26, 2011)

Very cute cat!! But BSH do like their own space and not alot of handling. If you take things at his own pace, however, he should warm up to you very nicely! :thumbsup:


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## RabbitMonster (Mar 20, 2012)

Just wanted to put my own experience on here. 

When I got Molly, she wasn't affectionate AT ALL. She hated being picked up, she would only have a cuddle for five minutes a day, and would only do that sitting on the landing. This carried on for four months.

It took me going away for a month for her to become really affectionate, and now the terror won't leave me alone! It also took a lot of patience, and I thought the same as you, that Molly would never be affectionate, but it's amazing how a cat can suddenly change when you least expect it. I would just keep persevering, and don't rush him into anything, and he might surprise you!


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## Jiskefet (May 15, 2011)

There is one thing your husband has to learn:
A cat is not a dog. He is treating your cat like he would treat a dog.
A dog is a pack animal. He will tolerate being 'manhandled', and may even genuinely like it, as he is very eager to please the pack leader. A dog loves to show affection and being shown affection.
Now, some cats are a bit like dogs in that respect, but most cats will only allow it if it suits THEIR needs. A cat, like you said, is a very independent creature.

A cat owns the house, and he owns YOU. Your cat is king, and your husband, a mere servant, is presuming, he is taking undue liberties........
If you show a cat proper respect and treat and pamper him in the manner HE prefers, you will get in his good books soon enough. Try to adapt your needs to the character and the needs of the cat.

He is very young and boisterous, a teenager. Would you expect a human teenager to sit on your lap and allow himself to be kissed by daddy????
You didn't say if he has been castrated yet. This may also make him less agressive and more affectionate. 

If he ever gets ill, make sure your husband does as much of the caring and nursing as possible. Many cats get very affectionate after they have experienced the dedication of their slaves in their time of need. 

Some cats take longer than others to get cuddly, but if he is following you around and sleeping on your pillow, he is being affectionate, in his own way, on his own terms. Respect these terms, give him what attention he asks for when he asks for it without pushing your luck or acting like anything but the cat slave you are, and you will be rewarded in the end.

You will learn to read his signals and recognise his affection and appreciate them for the true signs of feline love they are, and he will learn what expressions of affection his human servants appreciate, and, if it serves his needs, act on that knowledge.

But make no mistake, you have been approved, you are considered good servants. His desire to be close to you proves that beyond doubt.


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## Paddypaws (May 4, 2010)

Can I add that bribery and corruption work wonders?
Try a feather wand toy, or Da Bird...cats go crazy for these. Have set play times each day when you or hubby get the favourite toy out, call Charlie telling him it is play time. Don't let him have the toy unless you are there to interract with him.
Find a treat that he loves ( Freeze dried treats such as Thrive are both healthy and popular with most cats) and again act in a similar way.
I agree completely with what Jiskefet has written above, but for us simple humans to _feel_ we are in charge for a few minutes is good for our ego! :thumbsup: It is very gratifying to be able to know that when you call 'playtime' or 'treat' Charlie will come running and interract with you. ( a long as it suits him! )


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## Treaclesmum (Sep 26, 2011)

My Treacle is going through the teenage rebel stage too, and if he doesn't want to do something he won't!! He had me running up and down the hall and kitchen last night playing catch when it was meant to be their bedtime....


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## Cookieandme (Dec 29, 2011)

My BSH Cookie has watery eyes, the vet nurse said the flat nose varieties can suffer a little.

She hates being picked up but will happily come an sit on my lap "when she wants to" like last night which was lovely  Otherwise she likes to sleep on the back of the sofa. She can be rebellious as well, she goes behind the TV and plays with the cables, she plays and breaks the chains on the vertical blinds. She is lovely though if a little naughty :thumbsup:

and I thought cats were supposed to find the most comfortable place to sit.


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## doclubz (Mar 7, 2012)

Thank you so much everyone for your advice and sharing your experiences..... they have given me hope  

He has been neutered, so that is definitely not the problem. And I realise he must not be happy with my hubby's behaviour as he is the one with the scratch marks while I am the one who spends the most time with him. 

I will talk to the lady I got him from and ask her if she could give me details of the breeder from whom she got him. That will also confirm what breed he actually is. 

Thanks a lot everyone, if anyone has any other advice, please do let me know


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## doclubz (Mar 7, 2012)

carly87 said:


> Ok, a couple of things. How long have you had him? Every cat will be a bit unsettled by a home move, some more than others, so this could be part of the problem.
> 
> Your husband is not helping matters by grabbing him and kissing him. Sounds like Charlie is frightened, and the best thing to do with a frightened cat is to let him come to you on his own terms. Be in the same room as him, yes, talk to him, yes, touch him but only if he comes near. Don't pick him up just yet, and don't do anything he's not happy with unless it's something necessary such as eye bathing.
> 
> ...


Hi Carly, sorry for replying so late, but the weather has been terrible in Newcastle and I think I've come down with something 

We got Charlie just over a month back, so that's not very long. I realise now that it was careless of me to not have insisted on the breeders details and papers when I got him :frown2: Will call her first thing in the morning.

He is very sweet when he is a little sleepy, loves being rubbed. At night, he sleeps with his face very close to mine or with his paws on my face sometimes...its so adorable. I am happy with those few moments of affection. And like Jiskefet mentioned, my husband does seem to think and treat him like a dog  Hopefully that will change after a few heart to heart chats


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